Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,170
- [laughing]
2
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,930
- YEAH?
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
3
00:00:11,967 --> 00:00:13,667
COME ON. YEAH?
4
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:14,870
- NO, LET ME GO, PLEASE!
5
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,700
- WE'RE GONNA DO IT.
COME ON.
6
00:00:16,733 --> 00:00:17,803
- I PROMISE.
7
00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:23,627
[cheers and applause]
8
00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:24,967
- THANK YOU.
9
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,270
THAT'S WHY I STOPPED TAKING
BATHS AT THE GYM.
10
00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:28,830
[laughter]
11
00:00:28,867 --> 00:00:30,367
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
12
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,100
OHH, THAT VIDEO MADE ME
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE
13
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,603
FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES.
14
00:00:35,633 --> 00:00:36,973
ALL I KEPT THINKING WAS,
15
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,330
MAN, THESE GUYS' WIVES
ARE GONNA GIVE THEM SO MUCH CRAP
16
00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:41,467
WHEN THEY SEE THIS.
17
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,070
HIS MOUTH IS SAYING NO,
OVER AND OVER,
18
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:48,130
YET HIS CHISELED ABS
ARE SCREAMING YES.
19
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:52,067
IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES
UNTIL SOMEONE GETS A BONER.
20
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:55,630
THAT'S WHAT MY GRANDMA
ALWAYS SAID.
21
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,097
WE HAVE A PRETTY SWELL
SHOW TODAY.
22
00:00:57,133 --> 00:00:58,703
TONIGHT, WE GIVE
THE TRAMPLED CHEERLEADER
23
00:00:58,733 --> 00:00:59,903
A WEB REDEMPTION.
24
00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,267
WE FIND OUT IF THIS
IS REAL OR FAKE.
25
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:04,870
AND I'LL BE ANSWERING YOUR
CELEBRITY TWITTER QUESTIONS.
26
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:06,330
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED
27
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,567
BY CHECKING IN ON A SAFARI.
28
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,700
[man speaking
foreign language]
29
00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,603
- AAH!
[laughing]
30
00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,933
[group speaking
foreign language]
31
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,700
[laughter and groans]
32
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:27,567
- UGH, WHAT'S MORE ANNOYING:
33
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,330
MONKEYS HAVING SEX
ON YOUR CAR,
34
00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:30,827
OR LISTENING TO YOUR WIFE
AND HER FRIENDS
35
00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:33,627
CACKLE IN YOUR EAR?
36
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:36,197
TWO-PUMP CHIMP.
37
00:01:36,233 --> 00:01:38,703
DO YOU NEED MORE PROOF THAT
WE'VE DESCENDED FROM MONKEYS?
38
00:01:38,733 --> 00:01:43,073
AFTER HE FINISHES,
HE IMMEDIATELY TAKES A NAP.
39
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:44,897
[sighs]
40
00:01:44,933 --> 00:01:47,173
TALK ABOUT YOUR ROUGH RIDER.
HE'S HITTING IT BAREBACK.
41
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,270
THAT'S RISKY.
42
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,500
I DON'T MEAN TO STEREOTYPE,
43
00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:55,203
BUT SHE LOOKS
LIKE SHE HAS AIDS.
44
00:01:55,233 --> 00:01:57,273
SHE DOES.
45
00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:00,500
THAT ASS WAS INFECTED.
46
00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:03,173
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A QUESTION
WE'VE ALL ASKED OURSELVES.
47
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,130
HOW MANY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS
DOES IT TAKE
48
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,667
TO MAKE YOUR CAR DO THIS?
49
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,630
[loud metallic banging]
50
00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:16,667
[Southern accent]
YEAH, GET IT! YEAH!
51
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:21,700
OH, MAN, EVEN THEIR CARS
JUMP HIGHER.
52
00:02:21,733 --> 00:02:25,903
I THINK
THAT TRANSFORMER'S RETARDED.
53
00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:27,833
REBUILDING YOUR CAR
IS SO MUCH MORE FUN
54
00:02:27,867 --> 00:02:29,827
THAN REBUILDING
YOUR COMMUNITY.
55
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,070
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
THERE IS A PRACTICAL REASON
56
00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:37,697
TO INSTALL HYDRAULICS.
57
00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:41,073
MONKEYS DO NOT
HAVE SEX ON MY CAR.
58
00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,497
[monkey screeches]
59
00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:45,903
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY.
60
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:49,733
[monkey screeching]
61
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:50,967
[laughing]
62
00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:53,527
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
I WAS HALF CHOLO.
63
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:55,067
ELBOWS OUT.
64
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,500
IF YOU GIVE THE TEACHER
IN THIS NEXT VIDEO AN APPLE,
65
00:03:01,533 --> 00:03:03,833
CHANCES ARE,
HE'LL MAKE A BONG OUT OF IT.
66
00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:05,527
- * BUM BUM
BUM BUM BUM *
67
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:08,897
BOSTON'S A GREAT CITY.
68
00:03:08,933 --> 00:03:13,233
I LOVE TO GO TO OLD CHURCHES.
69
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:15,667
GOD, I'M HAVING...
70
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:19,070
MAJOR MEMORY LOSSES TODAY.
71
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:20,867
GRAB THIS ONE.
72
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,900
OKAY...
73
00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:24,833
[ooga horn]
74
00:03:24,867 --> 00:03:27,297
- I BET THAT'S WHERE DRE
GOT HIS DOCTORATE.
75
00:03:30,533 --> 00:03:31,833
THE CLIP'S FUNNY
IF YOU'RE STONED,
76
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,527
EVEN FUNNIER IF YOUR PARENTS
PAID FOR COLLEGE.
77
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,497
ACTUALLY, IT'S PROBABLY
ONE OF THE HARDER CLASSES
78
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,303
AT ARIZONA STATE.
79
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,733
THERE'S TWO RULES
TO HIS CLASS:
80
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:42,067
BE ON TIME
AND BE COOL, BRO.
81
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,197
BE COOL.
82
00:03:43,233 --> 00:03:44,803
I ACTUALLY AUDITED THAT CLASS.
83
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:45,833
- BUT...
84
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,427
BOSTON'S A GREAT CITY.
85
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:57,467
- IS THAT GONNA BE
ON THE TEST?
86
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:01,270
- UM, UH...
BLAH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH.
87
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:04,570
- DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING, MAN?
88
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,870
[laughing]
89
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:10,100
- I LOVE TO GO
TO OLD CHURCHES.
90
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:12,073
- WEIRD.
91
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,397
- CURSE WORDS.
92
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,473
YOU READY FOR CURSE WORDS?
93
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,930
- [bleep], YEAH!
94
00:04:16,967 --> 00:04:19,297
REMEMBER, KIDS.
95
00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:22,773
WEED IS AGAINST THE LAW.
96
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,500
BUT GETTING PISS DRUNK
AND WALKING INTO A 7-11
97
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:28,133
IS COMPLETELY LEGAL.
98
00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:33,073
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
OHH.
99
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:36,127
IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN
DAVID HASSELHOFF GETS DRUNK
100
00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:39,197
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW
NO ONE'S AT RISK
101
00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:42,303
BECAUSE KITT
CAN DRIVE HIMSELF.
102
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:45,173
ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT
20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK
103
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,400
AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS
WE CAN POST.
104
00:04:48,433 --> 00:04:50,833
OBVIOUSLY, HE HAS A HISTORY
OF BAD DECISIONS,
105
00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:53,727
STARTING WITH HIS PONY TAIL.
106
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:57,897
A COUPLE APPLETINIS
DOES THE EXACT SAME THING TO ME.
107
00:04:57,933 --> 00:04:59,233
HE'S NOT THAT DRUNK.
108
00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:03,427
HE JUST WALKED RIGHT PAST THOSE
GAS STATION HOT DOGS.
109
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:06,167
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GETTING
HIS ASS KICKED BY A GHOST.
110
00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:10,433
PATRICK SWAYZE.
111
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:11,767
[audience groans]
112
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,170
NO, NO, BUT PATRICK SWAYZE
FROM ROADHOUSE.
113
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,130
[laughter]
114
00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:17,327
MAYBE HE GOT A FLU SHOT
115
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:18,627
AND HIS BODY'S
REACTING BADLY TO IT.
116
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:20,167
[drumbeat]
117
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,230
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT VIDEO?
GO TO YOUTUBE.
118
00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:22,497
CHECK IT OUT.
119
00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:25,073
DYSTONIA? UGH.
HOT CHICK? THANKS.
120
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,730
GUESS WHO'S NEVER GETTING
A FLU SHOT AGAIN.
121
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:29,927
ME! OR ANYONE I DATE.
122
00:05:29,967 --> 00:05:32,767
WALK BACKWARDS.
123
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,070
I'M SORRY, HOLD ON.
124
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,367
WE HAVE TO INTERRUPT TOSH.0
125
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,530
FOR SOME BREAKING NEWS
FROM CANADA.
126
00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:38,827
LET'S GO LIVE.
127
00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:40,867
- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOT
MY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,
128
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,630
AND HERE THEY COME
DOWN THE HILL.
129
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:45,597
IT LOOKS LIKE RUBEN IS IN
THE LEAD, AND HERE COMES AL--
130
00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:48,403
[audience groans]
131
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:50,173
- OHH, I'D WATCH NASCAR
132
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,970
IF THE ANNOUNCERS WOULD
CALL IT FROM THE TRACK.
133
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,967
LET'S LEARN HOW A SLED ALMOST
TURNED THIS DAN RATHER WANNABE
134
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:58,527
INTO A SNOW ANGEL
IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
135
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,667
[cheers and applause]
136
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:05,070
OH! POOR ROB LETH.
137
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:06,500
JUST A YOUNG CANADIAN REPORTER
138
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,733
WEARING A GIANT
GOOSE DOWN PARKA.
139
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,467
THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF DANGEROUS
ASSIGNMENT HE COULD GET--
140
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,770
THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN,
141
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,600
THE DRUG CARTELS
IN MEXICO,
142
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:17,733
FIGURING OUT WHAT THAT CRAP IS
ON SEAL'S FACE.
143
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:19,067
[laughter and groans]
144
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,230
BUT INSTEAD,
HE DOES A PUFF PIECE
145
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:22,797
ABOUT AN INNER TUBE RACE.
146
00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:26,503
WHY? BECAUSE THE PUBLIC
HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.
147
00:06:26,533 --> 00:06:28,673
- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOT
MY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,
148
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,670
AND HERE THEY COME
DOWN THE HILL.
149
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:33,330
- STARTS OUT LIKE ANY OTHER
NEWS DAY IN CANADA--
150
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:36,127
SLOW.
151
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,227
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
HOW ROB'S
152
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:38,927
GONNA USE
HIS TRUSTY STOPWATCH
153
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:41,167
WITH MITTENS ON.
154
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,900
- IT LOOKS LIKE RUBEN
IS IN THE LEAD,
155
00:06:42,933 --> 00:06:43,973
AND HERE COMES AL--
156
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:46,467
- RUBEN IS CLOSING IN QUICK.
157
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:49,270
MOVE, BITCH.
GET OUT THE WAY.
158
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:52,970
GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH.
GET OUT THE WAY.
159
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:55,667
THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT FAKE
KOBE BRYANT COMMERCIAL.
160
00:06:57,433 --> 00:06:58,833
OH, MAN.
161
00:06:58,867 --> 00:07:02,567
HEY, KOBE, NEXT TIME,
TRY IT OVER A BUS.
162
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,570
THAT'S PULLING AN RV.
163
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,700
THAT'S CONNECTED
TO A WOOD CHIPPER.
164
00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:10,773
[laughter and applause]
165
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,370
ALL RIGHT, BACK TO THE VIDEO.
166
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,230
OH! HE DROPS THE STOPWATCH.
167
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:16,967
OH, NO, NOW WE'RE
NEVER GONNA FIND OUT
168
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:19,527
IF RUBEN
HAS THE COURSE RECORD.
169
00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:21,897
BUT HE DID PULL OFF
THE BACKSIDE RODEO FLIP.
170
00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:24,103
GOOD THING THEY HAVE
FREE HEALTH CARE IN CANADA.
171
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:26,433
SHOW IT AGAIN.
172
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:27,797
UNH!
173
00:07:27,833 --> 00:07:30,573
AT LEAST THE FLIP PUT ROB'S HOOD
ON HIS HEAD FOR HIM.
174
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,370
IT'S PROBABLY
HIS DEAD MOTHER SAYING,
175
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,770
"BUNDLE UP, SON.
I STILL LOVE YOU."
176
00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:39,967
THOSE WERE BUTTERFLY KISSES.
177
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,267
ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME,
178
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:43,600
JUST IN CASE ROB IS WATCHING
FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR.
179
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,103
CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.
180
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,073
ANDERSON COOPER'S
BEEN SEARCHING HIS WHOLE CAREER
181
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:52,727
FOR A STORY WHERE GETS
NAILED BY A YOUNG MAN.
182
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,597
WAS THAT BELOW THE WAIST?
183
00:07:54,633 --> 00:07:56,173
- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
184
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,970
- WRONG, THAT
WAS A GREAT IDEA.
185
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:02,927
- AT RIVERSIDE PARK,
ROB LETH, GLOBAL NEWS.
186
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:04,297
- AND, LIKE
ANY TRUE PROFESSIONAL,
187
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,073
ROB MANAGED TO FIGHT THROUGH
THE INTERNAL BLEEDING
188
00:08:06,067 --> 00:08:07,497
LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN OFF,
189
00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:09,773
AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
190
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,100
[cheers and applause]
191
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,773
COMING UP, WE GIVE
THE TRAMPLED CHEERLEADER
192
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,230
A WEB REDEMPTION.
193
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:17,597
BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR URBAN
DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY.
194
00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:37,133
[cheers and applause]
195
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,697
[audience groans]
196
00:08:38,733 --> 00:08:40,073
[scattered laughter]
197
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,827
- IT'S NOT FUNNY.
198
00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,667
SHE'S GONNA BE OUT
FOUR TO SIX WEEKS
199
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,470
WITH A BROKEN SPIRIT.
200
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,370
READY? OKAY!
201
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,430
CHEERLEADERS ACCOUNT
FOR OVER 60%
202
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,797
OF ALL FEMALE HIGH SCHOOL
SPORTS INJURIES.
203
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,073
TRUE STAT.
204
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:59,267
IT ALSO IS RESPONSIBLE
FOR OVER 85%
205
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,830
OF ALL HIGH SCHOOL
PREGNANCIES.
206
00:09:01,867 --> 00:09:04,227
MADE UP STAT.
207
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,667
I'M ALL FOR GIRLS
SLUTTING UP ON THE SIDELINES,
208
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,130
BUT THESE DAYS,
THERE'S ONLY ONE LADY
209
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:10,067
I WANT TO SEE IN A SKIMPY OUTFIT
ON THE FIELD.
210
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,130
* DA DA DUN,
DA DA DUN *
211
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,297
THE TRUTH IS CHEERLEADING
IS PRETTY MUCH
212
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:17,773
ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING.
213
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,500
AND THAT'S TEACHING GIRLS
WITH SMALL BOOBS
214
00:09:19,533 --> 00:09:23,903
HOW TO MAKE UP FOR IT
BY BEING REALLY FLEXIBLE.
215
00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:25,873
DO WE NEED CHEERLEADERS?
216
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,770
IS ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT
THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO CHEER?
217
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,070
I KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR.
218
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,900
THAT'S WHY I TEASE THE LINE
DOWN TO THREE
219
00:09:31,933 --> 00:09:34,203
AN PUT A GRAND
ON INDY TO COVER.
220
00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:37,133
AND STOP YELLING AT THE PLAYERS
TO BE AGGRESSIVE.
221
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:39,227
"BE-BE AGGRESSIVE."
222
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:40,867
I'M PRETTY SURE THE COACH
PASSED ALONG
223
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:44,370
THAT LITTLE STRATEGIC NUGGET
BACK IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
224
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,630
YOU'RE THERE TO LOOK HOT
DURING TIME OUTS.
225
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:47,697
UNLESS YOU'RE A BASE.
226
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:48,973
THEN YOU NEED
TO BE THICK ENOUGH
227
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:51,167
TO HOLD UP
THE HOT CHEERLEADERS
228
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,500
SO WE CAN SEE THEM BETTER
AND PRETEND YOU'RE NOT THERE.
229
00:09:55,533 --> 00:09:57,673
SURE, CHEERLEADERS
CAN BE ANNOYING,
230
00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:00,270
BUT NO ONE DESERVES TO GET
TRAMPED BY A FOOTBALL TEAM,
231
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,600
EXCEPT MAYBE THIS GUY.
232
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,500
OHH...THERE'S
ONLY ONE OCTOBER,
233
00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:07,973
AND, THANKS TO YOUR
INCESSANT PROMOS,
234
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,870
MINE WAS RUINED.
235
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,500
BUT CALI THE CHEERLEADER
DOESN'T HAVE
236
00:10:11,533 --> 00:10:13,703
AN UNWATCHABLE TALK SHOW
THAT FEELS LIKE A STREET PARTY
237
00:10:13,733 --> 00:10:16,473
IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.
238
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,530
SO WE INVITED HER TO JOIN
THE TOSH.0 SQUAD
239
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:20,927
FOR ANOTHER CHANCE
TO WORK IT--
240
00:10:20,967 --> 00:10:22,327
HEY, HEY, YEAH, WORK IT--
241
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,127
IN THIS WEEK'S
WEB REDEMPTION.
242
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,127
[cheers and applause]
243
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,027
- CALI.
244
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:30,697
OH, HO HO!
245
00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:33,203
RUN THROUGH.
246
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,473
- AAH!
247
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,130
- TELL ME ABOUT
THAT INFAMOUS NIGHT.
248
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:39,597
- UH, IT WAS HOMECOMING NIGHT.
249
00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:42,573
AND OUR CHEER TEAM
WAS HOLDING UP THE BANNER
250
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,830
FOR THE RUN THROUGH.
251
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:44,927
THERE WASN'T ANY HOLES.
252
00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:46,467
LIKE, USUALLY,
WHEN YOU MAKE A SIGN,
253
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,470
YOU LIKE RIP HOLES IN IT
AND STUFF,
254
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,500
SO THAT WHEN
THEY RUN THROUGH,
255
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:49,773
IT'S EASIER, LIKE,
TO BREAK.
256
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:50,970
- GOT IT.
AND IT WAS NOT?
257
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,330
- SO IT RIPS EASIER.
NO, AND SO--
258
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:53,967
- SO WERE YOU PERFORATING
AT THE LAST MINUTE?
259
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,230
- I WAS PERFORATING
AT THE LAST MINUTE, YES.
260
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:57,497
- THAT SEEMS LIKE
AN AWFUL IDEA.
261
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:59,103
YOU DO KNOW
THAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS
262
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:03,133
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
263
00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:04,427
- SO THEY HAD NO CLUE
YOU WERE THERE.
264
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:05,627
- BUT THEY WEREN'T
SUPPOSED TO COME OUT YET.
265
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:08,067
THEY WERE--THEY WERE
PREMATURE ON THEIR--
266
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,327
- TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL KIDS.
267
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:10,397
- RIGHT.
268
00:11:10,433 --> 00:11:11,573
[both laughing]
269
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:12,930
- WAS THE DANCE THAT NIGHT?
270
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:14,327
- IT WAS THE NEXT NIGHT.
271
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:15,727
- DID YOU HAVE SEX?
272
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:18,067
- [laughs] I'M NOT GONNA
ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
273
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:20,070
- I DID NOT HAVE SEX.
- YOU DIDN'T?
274
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,570
- BECAUSE I SIGNED A PAPER
275
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,630
PROMISING MY COMMUNITY
276
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,327
THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE SEX.
277
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:28,797
BUT I HAD MY LAWYER PUT
A REVISION IN THE CONTRACT
278
00:11:28,833 --> 00:11:30,703
THAT I COULD
[bleep] BLAST SOMEONE.
279
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:31,733
- OH, MY GOD.
280
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,367
- HUH?
281
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,900
- DID YOU EVER GO
TO THE INNER CITY
282
00:11:34,933 --> 00:11:37,103
TO STEAL CHEERS
FROM THE BLACK SCHOOLS?
283
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:40,573
- [laughing]
284
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,670
WE WERE THE BLACK SCHOOL.
285
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,970
- OHH!
286
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,067
YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES
287
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,200
THAT WERE DOING
ALL THE SLUTTY STUFF
288
00:11:46,233 --> 00:11:47,633
AND SHAKING YOUR ASSES.
289
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:48,797
- DUH.
290
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,903
- WHAT DID CHEERLEADING
TEACH YOU ABOUT LIFE?
291
00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:55,473
- NOTHIN'.
292
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:58,827
- ALL RIGHT, LET ME FINISH
PAINTING THIS AWFUL THING,
293
00:11:58,867 --> 00:12:00,167
AND WE'LL GET OUT
ON THE FIELD.
294
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,730
GET YOU PROPERLY TRAINED
295
00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:04,597
TO RELIVE
THAT MAGICAL MOMENT.
296
00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:06,333
[blows whistle]
297
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:08,767
HE-HEY!
HOW ARE YOU?
298
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,300
WE GOTTA WORK
ON YOUR ABILITY
299
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:11,703
TO DODGE PEOPLE
300
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:13,333
AND MAYBE PUT
A HURTIN' ON THEM.
301
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,227
STEP TO THE SIDE, TAKE 'EM DOWN
LIKE THAT--CLOTHESLINE.
302
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:16,327
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT?
303
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:17,497
THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.
304
00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:18,803
BOOT TO FACE.
305
00:12:18,833 --> 00:12:20,073
OKAY, THAT'S HOGAN'S.
306
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,200
COME ON, CALI!
COME ON, CALI!
307
00:12:22,233 --> 00:12:24,203
COME ON!
308
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:26,273
LET'S GO, SALLY.
- I DON'T...
309
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,870
- REALLY?
310
00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:29,830
[whistle blows]
TWO.
311
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,867
[whistle blows]
THREE.
312
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,600
WORK ON VISUALIZATION.
313
00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,903
- I'M GONNA VISUALIZE.
314
00:12:35,933 --> 00:12:39,073
- VISUALIZE YOURSELF
NOT GETTING TRAMPLED.
315
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:41,530
CAN YOU DO THIS WITH GUM?
316
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,897
- [laughing] PROBABLY.
317
00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:45,133
- [sighs]
318
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:47,067
WHAT'S THE FIVE-SECOND
RULE ON THAT?
319
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,067
LET'S GO.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
320
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,100
LET'S GO,
LET'S GET CHANGED.
321
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:51,133
A LITTLE HUSTLE OUT OF YOU.
322
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,197
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TRAMPLED
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
323
00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:55,273
OKAY, CALI,
THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,
324
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,670
ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?
325
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:58,330
- I'M READY.
326
00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:00,127
- YAY!
- OKAY.
327
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:05,727
ALL RIGHT.
328
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,497
- OH, WAIT!
- WAIT, CALI!
329
00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:10,533
[sound slowed]
NOOOO!
330
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:14,197
[crowd cheering]
331
00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:17,203
[suspenseful music]
332
00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:24,803
*
333
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:31,573
[sound slowed]
CALI, NOOO!
334
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,100
NOOOO!
335
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:42,403
[cheers and applause]
336
00:13:42,433 --> 00:13:45,133
IT DIDN'T EVEN FEEL CLOSE,
DID IT?
337
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:46,697
BY THE WAY,
WE LOST THAT GAME,
338
00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:48,673
BUT IT WASN'T
BECAUSE OF OUR CHEERING.
339
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,530
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BECAUSE
WE ONLY HAD ENOUGH MONEY
340
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,927
TO DRESS SIX PLAYERS.
341
00:13:52,967 --> 00:13:55,727
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP US
FROM CELEBRATING.
342
00:14:17,233 --> 00:14:19,103
[laughter and applause]
343
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,633
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
344
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:23,127
BUT FIRST, HERE'S
YOUR PRANK OF THE WEEK,
345
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,927
WHICH I'M TOLD
NOW HAS A NEW SPONSOR.
346
00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:29,797
THIS SHOW IS A CASH COW,
EXECUTIVES AT COMEDY CENTRAL
347
00:14:29,833 --> 00:14:31,233
THAT ARE STILL ON THE FENCE
ABOUT PICKING US UP
348
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,367
FOR A SEASON TWO.
349
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,070
male announcer: AND NOW IT'S
TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.
350
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:45,700
- THAT REALLY HURT.
351
00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:47,833
AAH! [bleep]!
352
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:49,067
JESS!
353
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,297
announcer: AND THAT WAS
THE PRANK OF THE WEEK,
354
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,133
BROUGHT TO YOU BY HTC.
355
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,297
YOU DON'T NEED TO GET A PHONE.
356
00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:54,873
YOU NEED A PHONE
THAT GETS YOU.
357
00:14:57,233 --> 00:15:00,603
- [woman speaking German]
358
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:06,500
[audience laughing]
359
00:15:13,233 --> 00:15:14,533
- SAY WHAT YOU WILL,
360
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:17,067
BUT THOSE GUYS KNOW
HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
361
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:19,200
THEY LOVE
RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES.
362
00:15:19,233 --> 00:15:22,333
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED
TO CLEAR OUT POLAND.
363
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:26,897
SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE ROOM
TO PLAY FRISBEE.
364
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:29,073
ALL RIGHT, AND NOW IT'S TIME
365
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,497
FOR REAL OR FAKE!
366
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,173
[laughter]
367
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,070
THAT'S WHERE WE TAKE
A VIDEO FROM THE INTERNET
368
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,797
AND TELL YOU IF WHAT HAPPENS
IN IT IS REAL...
369
00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:40,333
audience: OR FAKE!
370
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:43,067
- THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU DIP-[bleep].
371
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,630
IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
372
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,427
LET'S LOOK
AT TODAY'S CONTENDER.
373
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:49,667
[water bubbling]
374
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,700
- UNH! OH!
375
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:54,073
- HOLY [bleep]!
376
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:56,527
[audience groaning]
377
00:15:56,567 --> 00:15:57,967
[Daniel chuckles]
378
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,797
- THIS ISN'T REAL.
379
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:04,373
WE ALL KNOW WOMEN
DON'T POO.
380
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,930
BUT I HAVE A LONGER VERSION
381
00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:08,667
THAT WILL PROVIDE EVERYONE
WITH ALL THE ANSWERS.
382
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,700
- HOLY [bleep]!
383
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,967
- OH. WHERE'S EVERYBODY
HEADED?
384
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,227
OH, MY GOODNESS!
385
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:21,797
OH, YEAH, THAT'S HOT.
386
00:16:21,833 --> 00:16:23,173
HOT!
387
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,570
OH, GOOD ONE.
IT'S FAKE.
388
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,100
O'BRIEN, GET IN HERE.
389
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,373
IT'S FAKE.
IT'S NOT REAL.
390
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,100
IT'S HOT, THOUGH.
WHEW! REAL HOT.
391
00:16:32,133 --> 00:16:35,333
WHOO, MAN. OH.
392
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:37,267
AH! OH!
393
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,430
[laughing]
394
00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:42,467
- STOP! STOP!
I'M REALLY GONNA [bleep].
395
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,530
I'M GONNA [bleep]!
- OH! OH!
396
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:47,227
[audience groans
and laughs]
397
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:49,827
- MY BAD.
398
00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:54,567
- WAS THAT THE LEAD SINGER
OF RADIOHEAD?
399
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,100
THOM YORKE, WHO KIND OF
LOOKS LIKE HIM?
400
00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,503
IF YOU WERE BLOWN AWAY
401
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:01,303
BY THOSE SPECIAL EFFECTS
FROM THE BIT,
402
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:03,503
YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
WE STOLE THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER
403
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:06,633
FROM JAMES CAMERON'S AVATAR.
404
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,767
MONEY WELL SPENT.
[chuckles]
405
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,630
IF YOU HAVE A FUNNY VIDEO,
GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0
406
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:14,967
AND UPLOAD IT FOR A CHANCE
407
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,567
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO
OF THE WEEK.
408
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,300
THIS WEEK'S WINNER
IS DUTCH WEST ON ATOM.COM.
409
00:17:20,333 --> 00:17:22,633
[woman making announcement
over P.A.]
410
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,867
- WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM?
411
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:27,200
- I THROW UP WHEN I GO
INTO DETAIL ABOUT ANYTHING.
412
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:29,133
- WHEN DID THIS BEGIN?
413
00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,827
- UM, I GUESS
IT REALLY STARTED--UGH!
414
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,867
[audience groans and laughs]
415
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:35,130
- THANKS, GUYS.
416
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,597
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE KID NOTORIOUS.
417
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,297
[cheers and applause]
418
00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:47,433
- WELCOME BACK.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR PAJAMAS ON?
419
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,627
I DO!
420
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:52,167
SINCE I'M IN SHOW BIZ,
421
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,530
AND I KNOW VIRTUALLY
EVERY CELEBRITY--
422
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:56,967
BILL ALLEN?
YEAH, HE'S IN MY CELL PHONE.
423
00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:59,097
I ASKED YOU TO SEND ME
TWITTER QUESTIONS
424
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,333
ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE,
425
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,267
AND NOW I'M GONNA
ANSWER THEM.
426
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,100
HOPEFULLY WHEN TWITTER'S DEAD
IN A MONTH OR TWO
427
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,903
WE WON'T HAVE TO DO
THIS SEGMENT ANYMORE.
428
00:18:05,933 --> 00:18:08,303
[audience laughs]
429
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,573
ALL RIGHT, THIS QUESTION
I GOT A LOT OF VARIATIONS OF.
430
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,430
"DOES LADY GAGA ACTUALLY HAVE
A DISCOSTICK, I.E: PENIS?"
431
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:18,097
I ACTUALLY ASKED HER,
432
00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:19,473
BUT I COULDN'T TELL
IF SHE WAS LYING
433
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,970
BECAUSE SHE HAS A GREAT
P-P-P-POKER FACE.
434
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:24,967
[laughs]
SHE'S--WELL--
435
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,197
ALL RIGHT.
436
00:18:26,233 --> 00:18:27,833
"HOW DOES
A NOT SO FUNNY DOUCHE
437
00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,227
GET HIS OWN SHOW
ON COMEDY CENTRAL?"
438
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:31,867
OKAY, THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.
439
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:34,800
DEMETRI MARTIN IS
A WONDERFUL PERSON.
440
00:18:34,833 --> 00:18:36,903
I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU
IMPLYING THAT.
441
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:38,973
[laughter and applause]
442
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,667
"IF YOU WERE LOOKED UP
IN A ROOM
443
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,530
"WITH BOB SAGET AND HITLER
444
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:44,427
"AND YOU HAD A GUN
WITH ONE BULLET,
445
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,067
WHO WOULD YOU SHOOT?"
446
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,430
OKAY, THAT IS NOT EASY.
447
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,827
I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE
HITLER'S HEAD
448
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:50,097
AND PUT IT NEXT TO SAGET'S,
449
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:52,073
PULL THE TRIGGER,
KILLING HITLER FIRST.
450
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,800
HOPEFULLY THE BULLET HAS
ENOUGH SPEED
451
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,503
TO ALSO KILL BOB SAGET.
452
00:18:55,533 --> 00:19:00,303
IF NOT KILL HIM, AT LEAST
ALTER HIS PERSONALITY GREATLY.
453
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,770
HEH HEH HEH!
454
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,530
BY SLEEPING,
DO YOU MEAN POUND TOWN?
455
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:11,767
ALEC IS UNGETTABLE.
AGREED.
456
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,170
STEPHEN'S A JESUS FREAK.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
457
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,370
DANIEL...
I'M NO CHUBBY CHASER.
458
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,600
THAT LEAVES US WITH BILLY.
YES, BILLY.
459
00:19:20,633 --> 00:19:22,973
YOU WERE SO FANTASTIC
IN SLIVER.
460
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,897
YOU IN THE BED
IS LIKE WATCHING A CHEETAH
461
00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:29,073
PREY ON SOMETHING
LESS THAN A CHEETAH.
462
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,227
[audience laughs]
463
00:19:31,267 --> 00:19:36,097
OH! MY AD LIB SKILLS
ARE SHARP TONIGHT, BOYS.
464
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,367
WELL, ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN
ENCINO MAN
465
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,300
KNOWS HE GETS
A LIFETIME PASS.
466
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:45,773
IS THAT--THAT IS
THE GREATEST MOVE EVER.
467
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,400
OH, MAN, HOLY COW!
468
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:51,073
DID YOU KNOW THEY'RE RUNNING
THE VAPOR IN REVERSE?
469
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,570
OH! PAM IS
A SAD, SAD MONSTER
470
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,500
AT THIS STAGE OF HER LIFE.
471
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:02,633
THAT BEING SAID, I'D MOTORBOAT
THE [bleep] OUT OF THEM.
472
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,727
[laughter and applause]
473
00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:09,627
HO HO HO HO!
474
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,897
IS THAT YOU, ARN ANDERSON?
475
00:20:11,933 --> 00:20:15,133
THE FOUR HORSEMEN
HAVE FALLEN, MY FRIEND.
476
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:17,067
OH.
477
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,070
AM I STILL WEARING THIS?
478
00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:22,300
OH. IT'S SO UGLY!
479
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,573
[applause]
I KNOW!
480
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,500
I'M SURPRISED IT DOESN'T
HAVE MITTENS ATTACHED.
481
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:34,333
WE NEED MORE MONEY.
482
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,097
BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK
FOR OUR SEASON FINALE
483
00:20:37,133 --> 00:20:39,433
WHEN WE GIVE WEB REDEMPTIONS
TO MICHAEL RICHARDS
484
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:40,967
AND THE STAR WARS KID.
485
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,630
PLUS BARD PITT AND DAVID BECKHAM
LIVE ON THIS STAGE.
486
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:47,367
LINEUP SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
487
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,070
REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME
ON TWITTER
488
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,870
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
DURING THE SHOW.
489
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:53,030
AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT
MY TOUR SCHEDULE.
490
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:55,327
GO TO OUR WEB SITE
TO SEE EXTENDED INTERVIEWS
491
00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:56,667
FROM OUR WEB REDEMPTIONS
492
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,570
AND FOLLOW OUR DAILY BLOG.
493
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,670
THANKS, EVERYBODY
FOR MAKING JEFF DUNHAM
494
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,830
COMEDY CENTRAL'S
NUMBER ONE SHOW.
495
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:04,797
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
496
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,833
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com
497
00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:15,203
- TEACH YOU A CHEER?
- SURE.
498
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:17,073
- OKAY. WHICH ONE
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
499
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,697
- GIVE ME ONE--
GIVE ME ONE--
500
00:21:18,733 --> 00:21:19,933
DID YOU EVER DO
THE COOKIE MONSTER?
501
00:21:19,967 --> 00:21:21,667
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
502
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,070
- * THE COOKIE MONSTER SAYS
503
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:24,727
* THAT THE TROJANS ARE
504
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,927
[deep voice]
* THE GREAT BIG COOKIES
505
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:27,197
* AT THE TOP OF THE JAR
506
00:21:27,233 --> 00:21:28,903
* THE COOKIE MONSTER SAYS
507
00:21:28,933 --> 00:21:30,703
* THAT THE COUGARS ARE
508
00:21:30,733 --> 00:21:31,873
[high-pitched voice]
* THE ITTY BITTY CRUMBS
509
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:33,970
* AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE JAR, WHOO *
510
00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:35,867
- NO, BUT I WISH
WE WOULD'VE KNOWN THAT.
511
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:38,230
I LIKE THAT ONE.
- DID YOU DO U-G-L-Y?
512
00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:41,897
- [laughing] NO!
- NO?
35829
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.