Original subtitles

- [laughing]

- YEAH? THERE YOU HAVE IT.

COME ON. YEAH?

- NO, LET ME GO, PLEASE!

- WE'RE GONNA DO IT. COME ON.

- I PROMISE.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S WHY I STOPPED TAKING BATHS AT THE GYM.

[laughter]

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

OHH, THAT VIDEO MADE ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES.

ALL I KEPT THINKING WAS,

MAN, THESE GUYS' WIVES ARE GONNA GIVE THEM SO MUCH CRAP

WHEN THEY SEE THIS.

HIS MOUTH IS SAYING NO, OVER AND OVER,

YET HIS CHISELED ABS ARE SCREAMING YES.

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE GETS A BONER.

THAT'S WHAT MY GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID.

WE HAVE A PRETTY SWELL SHOW TODAY.

TONIGHT, WE GIVE THE TRAMPLED CHEERLEADER

A WEB REDEMPTION.

WE FIND OUT IF THIS IS REAL OR FAKE.

AND I'LL BE ANSWERING YOUR CELEBRITY TWITTER QUESTIONS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED

BY CHECKING IN ON A SAFARI.

[man speaking foreign language]

- AAH! [laughing]

[group speaking foreign language]

[laughter and groans]

- UGH, WHAT'S MORE ANNOYING:

MONKEYS HAVING SEX ON YOUR CAR,

OR LISTENING TO YOUR WIFE AND HER FRIENDS

CACKLE IN YOUR EAR?

TWO-PUMP CHIMP.

DO YOU NEED MORE PROOF THAT WE'VE DESCENDED FROM MONKEYS?

AFTER HE FINISHES, HE IMMEDIATELY TAKES A NAP.

[sighs]

TALK ABOUT YOUR ROUGH RIDER. HE'S HITTING IT BAREBACK.

THAT'S RISKY.

I DON'T MEAN TO STEREOTYPE,

BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS AIDS.

SHE DOES.

THAT ASS WAS INFECTED.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A QUESTION WE'VE ALL ASKED OURSELVES.

HOW MANY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS DOES IT TAKE

TO MAKE YOUR CAR DO THIS?

[loud metallic banging]

[Southern accent] YEAH, GET IT! YEAH!

OH, MAN, EVEN THEIR CARS JUMP HIGHER.

I THINK THAT TRANSFORMER'S RETARDED.

REBUILDING YOUR CAR IS SO MUCH MORE FUN

THAN REBUILDING YOUR COMMUNITY.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THERE IS A PRACTICAL REASON

TO INSTALL HYDRAULICS.

MONKEYS DO NOT HAVE SEX ON MY CAR.

[monkey screeches]

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY.

[monkey screeching]

[laughing]

I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS HALF CHOLO.

ELBOWS OUT.

IF YOU GIVE THE TEACHER IN THIS NEXT VIDEO AN APPLE,

CHANCES ARE, HE'LL MAKE A BONG OUT OF IT.

- * BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM *

BOSTON'S A GREAT CITY.

I LOVE TO GO TO OLD CHURCHES.

GOD, I'M HAVING...

MAJOR MEMORY LOSSES TODAY.

GRAB THIS ONE.

OKAY...

[ooga horn]

- I BET THAT'S WHERE DRE GOT HIS DOCTORATE.

THE CLIP'S FUNNY IF YOU'RE STONED,

EVEN FUNNIER IF YOUR PARENTS PAID FOR COLLEGE.

ACTUALLY, IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDER CLASSES

AT ARIZONA STATE.

THERE'S TWO RULES TO HIS CLASS:

BE ON TIME AND BE COOL, BRO.

BE COOL.

I ACTUALLY AUDITED THAT CLASS.

- BUT...

BOSTON'S A GREAT CITY.

- IS THAT GONNA BE ON THE TEST?

- UM, UH... BLAH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH.

- DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, MAN?

[laughing]

- I LOVE TO GO TO OLD CHURCHES.

- WEIRD.

- CURSE WORDS.

YOU READY FOR CURSE WORDS?

- [bleep], YEAH!

REMEMBER, KIDS.

WEED IS AGAINST THE LAW.

BUT GETTING PISS DRUNK AND WALKING INTO A 7-11

IS COMPLETELY LEGAL.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? OHH.

IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN DAVID HASSELHOFF GETS DRUNK

BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW NO ONE'S AT RISK

BECAUSE KITT CAN DRIVE HIMSELF.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST.

OBVIOUSLY, HE HAS A HISTORY OF BAD DECISIONS,

STARTING WITH HIS PONY TAIL.

A COUPLE APPLETINIS DOES THE EXACT SAME THING TO ME.

HE'S NOT THAT DRUNK.

HE JUST WALKED RIGHT PAST THOSE GAS STATION HOT DOGS.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GETTING HIS ASS KICKED BY A GHOST.

PATRICK SWAYZE.

[audience groans]

NO, NO, BUT PATRICK SWAYZE FROM ROADHOUSE.

[laughter]

MAYBE HE GOT A FLU SHOT

AND HIS BODY'S REACTING BADLY TO IT.

[drumbeat]

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT VIDEO? GO TO YOUTUBE.

CHECK IT OUT.

DYSTONIA? UGH. HOT CHICK? THANKS.

GUESS WHO'S NEVER GETTING A FLU SHOT AGAIN.

ME! OR ANYONE I DATE.

WALK BACKWARDS.

I'M SORRY, HOLD ON.

WE HAVE TO INTERRUPT TOSH.0

FOR SOME BREAKING NEWS FROM CANADA.

LET'S GO LIVE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOT MY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,

AND HERE THEY COME DOWN THE HILL.

IT LOOKS LIKE RUBEN IS IN THE LEAD, AND HERE COMES AL--

[audience groans]

- OHH, I'D WATCH NASCAR

IF THE ANNOUNCERS WOULD CALL IT FROM THE TRACK.

LET'S LEARN HOW A SLED ALMOST TURNED THIS DAN RATHER WANNABE

INTO A SNOW ANGEL IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

OH! POOR ROB LETH.

JUST A YOUNG CANADIAN REPORTER

WEARING A GIANT GOOSE DOWN PARKA.

THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENT HE COULD GET--

THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN,

THE DRUG CARTELS IN MEXICO,

FIGURING OUT WHAT THAT CRAP IS ON SEAL'S FACE.

[laughter and groans]

BUT INSTEAD, HE DOES A PUFF PIECE

ABOUT AN INNER TUBE RACE.

WHY? BECAUSE THE PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOT MY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,

AND HERE THEY COME DOWN THE HILL.

- STARTS OUT LIKE ANY OTHER NEWS DAY IN CANADA--

SLOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW ROB'S

GONNA USE HIS TRUSTY STOPWATCH

WITH MITTENS ON.

- IT LOOKS LIKE RUBEN IS IN THE LEAD,

AND HERE COMES AL--

- RUBEN IS CLOSING IN QUICK.

MOVE, BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY.

GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT FAKE KOBE BRYANT COMMERCIAL.

OH, MAN.

HEY, KOBE, NEXT TIME, TRY IT OVER A BUS.

THAT'S PULLING AN RV.

THAT'S CONNECTED TO A WOOD CHIPPER.

[laughter and applause]

ALL RIGHT, BACK TO THE VIDEO.

OH! HE DROPS THE STOPWATCH.

OH, NO, NOW WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND OUT

IF RUBEN HAS THE COURSE RECORD.

BUT HE DID PULL OFF THE BACKSIDE RODEO FLIP.

GOOD THING THEY HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE IN CANADA.

SHOW IT AGAIN.

UNH!

AT LEAST THE FLIP PUT ROB'S HOOD ON HIS HEAD FOR HIM.

IT'S PROBABLY HIS DEAD MOTHER SAYING,

"BUNDLE UP, SON. I STILL LOVE YOU."

THOSE WERE BUTTERFLY KISSES.

ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME,

JUST IN CASE ROB IS WATCHING FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

ANDERSON COOPER'S BEEN SEARCHING HIS WHOLE CAREER

FOR A STORY WHERE GETS NAILED BY A YOUNG MAN.

WAS THAT BELOW THE WAIST?

- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

- WRONG, THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA.

- AT RIVERSIDE PARK, ROB LETH, GLOBAL NEWS.

- AND, LIKE ANY TRUE PROFESSIONAL,

ROB MANAGED TO FIGHT THROUGH THE INTERNAL BLEEDING

LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN OFF,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

COMING UP, WE GIVE THE TRAMPLED CHEERLEADER

A WEB REDEMPTION.

BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR URBAN DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY.

[cheers and applause]

[audience groans]

[scattered laughter]

- IT'S NOT FUNNY.

SHE'S GONNA BE OUT FOUR TO SIX WEEKS

WITH A BROKEN SPIRIT.

READY? OKAY!

CHEERLEADERS ACCOUNT FOR OVER 60%

OF ALL FEMALE HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS INJURIES.

TRUE STAT.

IT ALSO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OVER 85%

OF ALL HIGH SCHOOL PREGNANCIES.

MADE UP STAT.

I'M ALL FOR GIRLS SLUTTING UP ON THE SIDELINES,

BUT THESE DAYS, THERE'S ONLY ONE LADY

I WANT TO SEE IN A SKIMPY OUTFIT ON THE FIELD.

* DA DA DUN, DA DA DUN *

THE TRUTH IS CHEERLEADING IS PRETTY MUCH

ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING.

AND THAT'S TEACHING GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS

HOW TO MAKE UP FOR IT BY BEING REALLY FLEXIBLE.

DO WE NEED CHEERLEADERS?

IS ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO CHEER?

I KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR.

THAT'S WHY I TEASE THE LINE DOWN TO THREE

AN PUT A GRAND ON INDY TO COVER.

AND STOP YELLING AT THE PLAYERS TO BE AGGRESSIVE.

"BE-BE AGGRESSIVE."

I'M PRETTY SURE THE COACH PASSED ALONG

THAT LITTLE STRATEGIC NUGGET BACK IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

YOU'RE THERE TO LOOK HOT DURING TIME OUTS.

UNLESS YOU'RE A BASE.

THEN YOU NEED TO BE THICK ENOUGH

TO HOLD UP THE HOT CHEERLEADERS

SO WE CAN SEE THEM BETTER AND PRETEND YOU'RE NOT THERE.

SURE, CHEERLEADERS CAN BE ANNOYING,

BUT NO ONE DESERVES TO GET TRAMPED BY A FOOTBALL TEAM,

EXCEPT MAYBE THIS GUY.

OHH...THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER,

AND, THANKS TO YOUR INCESSANT PROMOS,

MINE WAS RUINED.

BUT CALI THE CHEERLEADER DOESN'T HAVE

AN UNWATCHABLE TALK SHOW THAT FEELS LIKE A STREET PARTY

IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

SO WE INVITED HER TO JOIN THE TOSH.0 SQUAD

FOR ANOTHER CHANCE TO WORK IT--

HEY, HEY, YEAH, WORK IT--

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

- CALI.

OH, HO HO!

RUN THROUGH.

- AAH!

- TELL ME ABOUT THAT INFAMOUS NIGHT.

- UH, IT WAS HOMECOMING NIGHT.

AND OUR CHEER TEAM WAS HOLDING UP THE BANNER

FOR THE RUN THROUGH.

THERE WASN'T ANY HOLES.

LIKE, USUALLY, WHEN YOU MAKE A SIGN,

YOU LIKE RIP HOLES IN IT AND STUFF,

SO THAT WHEN THEY RUN THROUGH,

IT'S EASIER, LIKE, TO BREAK.

- GOT IT. AND IT WAS NOT?

- SO IT RIPS EASIER. NO, AND SO--

- SO WERE YOU PERFORATING AT THE LAST MINUTE?

- I WAS PERFORATING AT THE LAST MINUTE, YES.

- THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL IDEA.

YOU DO KNOW THAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS

- YEAH. - YEAH.

- SO THEY HAD NO CLUE YOU WERE THERE.

- BUT THEY WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO COME OUT YET.

THEY WERE--THEY WERE PREMATURE ON THEIR--

- TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL KIDS.

- RIGHT.

[both laughing]

- WAS THE DANCE THAT NIGHT?

- IT WAS THE NEXT NIGHT.

- DID YOU HAVE SEX?

- [laughs] I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

- I DID NOT HAVE SEX. - YOU DIDN'T?

- BECAUSE I SIGNED A PAPER

PROMISING MY COMMUNITY

THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE SEX.

BUT I HAD MY LAWYER PUT A REVISION IN THE CONTRACT

THAT I COULD [bleep] BLAST SOMEONE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- HUH?

- DID YOU EVER GO TO THE INNER CITY

TO STEAL CHEERS FROM THE BLACK SCHOOLS?

- [laughing]

WE WERE THE BLACK SCHOOL.

- OHH!

YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES

THAT WERE DOING ALL THE SLUTTY STUFF

AND SHAKING YOUR ASSES.

- DUH.

- WHAT DID CHEERLEADING TEACH YOU ABOUT LIFE?

- NOTHIN'.

- ALL RIGHT, LET ME FINISH PAINTING THIS AWFUL THING,

AND WE'LL GET OUT ON THE FIELD.

GET YOU PROPERLY TRAINED

TO RELIVE THAT MAGICAL MOMENT.

[blows whistle]

HE-HEY! HOW ARE YOU?

WE GOTTA WORK ON YOUR ABILITY

TO DODGE PEOPLE

AND MAYBE PUT A HURTIN' ON THEM.

STEP TO THE SIDE, TAKE 'EM DOWN LIKE THAT--CLOTHESLINE.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.

BOOT TO FACE.

OKAY, THAT'S HOGAN'S.

COME ON, CALI! COME ON, CALI!

COME ON!

LET'S GO, SALLY. - I DON'T...

- REALLY?

[whistle blows] TWO.

[whistle blows] THREE.

WORK ON VISUALIZATION.

- I'M GONNA VISUALIZE.

- VISUALIZE YOURSELF NOT GETTING TRAMPLED.

CAN YOU DO THIS WITH GUM?

- [laughing] PROBABLY.

- [sighs]

WHAT'S THE FIVE-SECOND RULE ON THAT?

LET'S GO. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GO, LET'S GET CHANGED.

A LITTLE HUSTLE OUT OF YOU.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TRAMPLED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OKAY, CALI, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY.

- YAY! - OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

- OH, WAIT! - WAIT, CALI!

[sound slowed] NOOOO!

[crowd cheering]

[suspenseful music]

*

[sound slowed] CALI, NOOO!

NOOOO!

[cheers and applause]

IT DIDN'T EVEN FEEL CLOSE, DID IT?

BY THE WAY, WE LOST THAT GAME,

BUT IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF OUR CHEERING.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD ENOUGH MONEY

TO DRESS SIX PLAYERS.

BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP US FROM CELEBRATING.

[laughter and applause]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR PRANK OF THE WEEK,

WHICH I'M TOLD NOW HAS A NEW SPONSOR.

THIS SHOW IS A CASH COW, EXECUTIVES AT COMEDY CENTRAL

THAT ARE STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT PICKING US UP

FOR A SEASON TWO.

male announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.

- THAT REALLY HURT.

AAH! [bleep]!

JESS!

announcer: AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE WEEK,

BROUGHT TO YOU BY HTC.

YOU DON'T NEED TO GET A PHONE.

YOU NEED A PHONE THAT GETS YOU.

- [woman speaking German]

[audience laughing]

- SAY WHAT YOU WILL,

BUT THOSE GUYS KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THEY LOVE RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED TO CLEAR OUT POLAND.

SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE ROOM TO PLAY FRISBEE.

ALL RIGHT, AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR REAL OR FAKE!

[laughter]

THAT'S WHERE WE TAKE A VIDEO FROM THE INTERNET

AND TELL YOU IF WHAT HAPPENS IN IT IS REAL...

audience: OR FAKE!

- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DIP-[bleep].

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

LET'S LOOK AT TODAY'S CONTENDER.

[water bubbling]

- UNH! OH!

- HOLY [bleep]!

[audience groaning]

[Daniel chuckles]

- THIS ISN'T REAL.

WE ALL KNOW WOMEN DON'T POO.

BUT I HAVE A LONGER VERSION

THAT WILL PROVIDE EVERYONE WITH ALL THE ANSWERS.

- HOLY [bleep]!

- OH. WHERE'S EVERYBODY HEADED?

OH, MY GOODNESS!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S HOT.

HOT!

OH, GOOD ONE. IT'S FAKE.

O'BRIEN, GET IN HERE.

IT'S FAKE. IT'S NOT REAL.

IT'S HOT, THOUGH. WHEW! REAL HOT.

WHOO, MAN. OH.

AH! OH!

[laughing]

- STOP! STOP! I'M REALLY GONNA [bleep].

I'M GONNA [bleep]! - OH! OH!

[audience groans and laughs]

- MY BAD.

- WAS THAT THE LEAD SINGER OF RADIOHEAD?

THOM YORKE, WHO KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HIM?

IF YOU WERE BLOWN AWAY

BY THOSE SPECIAL EFFECTS FROM THE BIT,

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW WE STOLE THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER

FROM JAMES CAMERON'S AVATAR.

MONEY WELL SPENT. [chuckles]

IF YOU HAVE A FUNNY VIDEO, GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0

AND UPLOAD IT FOR A CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS DUTCH WEST ON ATOM.COM.

[woman making announcement over P.A.]

- WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

- I THROW UP WHEN I GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT ANYTHING.

- WHEN DID THIS BEGIN?

- UM, I GUESS IT REALLY STARTED--UGH!

[audience groans and laughs]

- THANKS, GUYS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KID NOTORIOUS.

[cheers and applause]

- WELCOME BACK. DO YOU HAVE YOUR PAJAMAS ON?

I DO!

SINCE I'M IN SHOW BIZ,

AND I KNOW VIRTUALLY EVERY CELEBRITY--

BILL ALLEN? YEAH, HE'S IN MY CELL PHONE.

I ASKED YOU TO SEND ME TWITTER QUESTIONS

ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE,

AND NOW I'M GONNA ANSWER THEM.

HOPEFULLY WHEN TWITTER'S DEAD IN A MONTH OR TWO

WE WON'T HAVE TO DO THIS SEGMENT ANYMORE.

[audience laughs]

ALL RIGHT, THIS QUESTION I GOT A LOT OF VARIATIONS OF.

"DOES LADY GAGA ACTUALLY HAVE A DISCOSTICK, I.E: PENIS?"

I ACTUALLY ASKED HER,

BUT I COULDN'T TELL IF SHE WAS LYING

BECAUSE SHE HAS A GREAT P-P-P-POKER FACE.

[laughs] SHE'S--WELL--

ALL RIGHT.

"HOW DOES A NOT SO FUNNY DOUCHE

GET HIS OWN SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL?"

OKAY, THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS A WONDERFUL PERSON.

I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU IMPLYING THAT.

[laughter and applause]

"IF YOU WERE LOOKED UP IN A ROOM

"WITH BOB SAGET AND HITLER

"AND YOU HAD A GUN WITH ONE BULLET,

WHO WOULD YOU SHOOT?"

OKAY, THAT IS NOT EASY.

I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE HITLER'S HEAD

AND PUT IT NEXT TO SAGET'S,

PULL THE TRIGGER, KILLING HITLER FIRST.

HOPEFULLY THE BULLET HAS ENOUGH SPEED

TO ALSO KILL BOB SAGET.

IF NOT KILL HIM, AT LEAST ALTER HIS PERSONALITY GREATLY.

HEH HEH HEH!

BY SLEEPING, DO YOU MEAN POUND TOWN?

ALEC IS UNGETTABLE. AGREED.

STEPHEN'S A JESUS FREAK. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

DANIEL... I'M NO CHUBBY CHASER.

THAT LEAVES US WITH BILLY. YES, BILLY.

YOU WERE SO FANTASTIC IN SLIVER.

YOU IN THE BED IS LIKE WATCHING A CHEETAH

PREY ON SOMETHING LESS THAN A CHEETAH.

[audience laughs]

OH! MY AD LIB SKILLS ARE SHARP TONIGHT, BOYS.

WELL, ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN ENCINO MAN

KNOWS HE GETS A LIFETIME PASS.

IS THAT--THAT IS THE GREATEST MOVE EVER.

OH, MAN, HOLY COW!

DID YOU KNOW THEY'RE RUNNING THE VAPOR IN REVERSE?

OH! PAM IS A SAD, SAD MONSTER

AT THIS STAGE OF HER LIFE.

THAT BEING SAID, I'D MOTORBOAT THE [bleep] OUT OF THEM.

[laughter and applause]

HO HO HO HO!

IS THAT YOU, ARN ANDERSON?

THE FOUR HORSEMEN HAVE FALLEN, MY FRIEND.

OH.

AM I STILL WEARING THIS?

OH. IT'S SO UGLY!

[applause] I KNOW!

I'M SURPRISED IT DOESN'T HAVE MITTENS ATTACHED.

WE NEED MORE MONEY.

BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR OUR SEASON FINALE

WHEN WE GIVE WEB REDEMPTIONS TO MICHAEL RICHARDS

AND THE STAR WARS KID.

PLUS BARD PITT AND DAVID BECKHAM LIVE ON THIS STAGE.

LINEUP SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW.

AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY TOUR SCHEDULE.

GO TO OUR WEB SITE TO SEE EXTENDED INTERVIEWS

FROM OUR WEB REDEMPTIONS

AND FOLLOW OUR DAILY BLOG.

THANKS, EVERYBODY FOR MAKING JEFF DUNHAM

COMEDY CENTRAL'S NUMBER ONE SHOW.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- TEACH YOU A CHEER? - SURE.

- OKAY. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

- GIVE ME ONE-- GIVE ME ONE--

DID YOU EVER DO THE COOKIE MONSTER?

- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- * THE COOKIE MONSTER SAYS

* THAT THE TROJANS ARE

[deep voice] * THE GREAT BIG COOKIES

* AT THE TOP OF THE JAR

* THE COOKIE MONSTER SAYS

* THAT THE COUGARS ARE

[high-pitched voice] * THE ITTY BITTY CRUMBS

* AT THE BOTTOM OF THE JAR, WHOO *

- NO, BUT I WISH WE WOULD'VE KNOWN THAT.

I LIKE THAT ONE. - DID YOU DO U-G-L-Y?

- [laughing] NO! - NO?