Original subtitles

- HI.

[bone cracks] AAH!

[audience groans]

[cheers and applause]

- YAY. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

IN HER DEFENSE, HE DID RUIN HER VAGINA.

[laughter]

I'M JUST GLAD THAT SOMEONE

STILL DISCIPLINES THEIR CHILDREN.

I PLAN ON SPANKING MY KIDS IN THE FACE

WHEN A COURT FINALLY PROVES THEY'RE MINE.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.

BUT THIS TIME, WAVE THEM LIKE YOU DO CARE...

BECAUSE THIS IS OUR SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EPISODE.

WHICH REALLY MEANS WE'RE JUST GONNA BE SHOWING

A FEW MORE DISGUSTING VIDEOS THAN NORMAL.

ARE YOU SCARED YET?

TODAY, WE GIVE THE NINTENDO 64 KID A WEB REDEMPTION,

I SHOW OTHER WAYS TO DO "FIRE IN THE HOLE" VIDEOS,

AND I'LL BE SHOWING YOU

THE MOST DISTURBING/SCARIEST THING

YOU'VE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION.

AND, NO, IT'S NOT FERGIE'S FACE IN HD.

AAH!

SO GROSS.

SPEAKING OF AWFUL BANDS,

I'M SURE THIS GUY'S THE LEADER SINGER OF ONE.

[audience groaning]

HIS OTHER COOL TRICK

IS GETTING PEOPLE LATTES.

THE UP SIDE TO DOING THIS TO YOUR TONGUE

IS YOU CAN GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP

IN HALF THE TIME.

ACCORDING TO AN OWL, WHOSE ROUGH ESTIMATE WAS THREE.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS ROUGH.

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE FUN TO LOOK AT.

AW!

SEE, I'M A PROUD OWNER OF A GAYISH LOOKING DOG,

BUT AT LEAST I DON'T TAKE IT TO THIS LEVEL.

- YOU SHOWING OFF YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES?

PIXIE, ARE YOU PRINCESS LEIA?

- NEXT YEAR, INSTEAD OF PUTTING US IN THESE COSTUMES,

HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE US TO THE POUND

AND GET US EUTHANIZED?

[audience groans and laughs]

- WICKET, ARE YOU DARTH VADER?

- ARE YOU GUYS THERE?

SEEMS LIKE THAT GUY [bleep] THE FORCE

RIGHT OUT OF PIXIE AND WICKET.

- DON'T GET MAD AT ME.

MOMMY'S THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THE COSTUMES.

- AND BY "MOMMY", HE MEANS "BOYFRIEND".

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR OUR PIC OF THE WEEK.

[singing off-key] * NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH

* NAH NAH NAH--

I'M DOING IT NOT COMPLETELY LIKE THE ORIGINAL

SO THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY AIR THAT ON TELEVISION.

BECAUSE THEY OWN * NAH NAH NAH NAH

SO I HAVE TO DO IT...

[off-key] * NAH NAH NAH NAH

LIKE I'M [bleep] TONE DEAF.

BUT I KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT.

BAT [bleep]!

audience: OH!

[laughter]

- DON'T GET EXCITED, LADIES.

HE'S FRUIT BAT.

LET'S GET 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST.

SOMEONE'S SUPER EXCITED FOR THE NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE.

PEEING WITH MORNING WOOD IS REALLY EASY

WHEN YOU HANG UPSIDE DOWN.

I FEEL BAD FOR ASIAN BATS.

[audience groans]

GREAT. A BAT THAT CAN GIVE YOU RABIES AND AN STD.

IT'S LIKE NICOLE RICHIE.

OH!

LOOKS LIKE ALL THE BLOOD HE'S SUCKED IS RUSHING TO HIS JUNK.

[drumbeat]

HMM. PERFECT TIMING.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT AN ANIMAL WITH A SLIGHTLY SMALLER PENIS?

IT'S JUST A SHEEP WITH A MASK ON IT, YOU IDIOT.

THEY'RE ALL SCARED.

IF THEY THINK THIS IS THE WORST PART OF THE DAY,

WAIT'LL THEY GET TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

audience: AW!

- I KNOW. THEY'RE ALL TERRIFIED.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING BILL MAHER CHASE GIRLS AT A CLUB.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S NEXT? A HIDDEN CAMERA SHOW?

OKAY, THIS SHOULD BE BORING.

audience: OH!

- YES!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE,

YOU ASS[bleep].

WE'RE GONNA FILL IN THE BLANKS

SO WHEN HE WAKES UP WE CAN EXPLAIN TO HIM

WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

HIDDEN CAMERA SHOWS ARE AWFUL.

BUT WHEN A PRANK GOES REALLY WRONG,

IT SUDDENLY BECOME WATCHABLE.

THIS IS IN BELGIUM, WHICH OF COURSE

IS KNOWN FOR THEIR WAFFLES AND BLACK BELTS.

HERE WE HAVE A GUY ATTEMPTING

THE OLD "NET OVER A TOTAL STRANGER'S HEAD AT THE MALL

THEN RUNNING THROUGH A CROWD OF NINJAS" GAG.

IT'S A CLASSIC.

WHAT HE FORGOT TO REALIZE IS THAT SPRINTING THROUGH A MALL

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL.

HE'S AT THE 30, THE 20-- DECAPITATED.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

audience: OH!

- OH! WHY COULDN'T HAVE THIS BEEN DAX SHEPARD?

I WANTED TO DO A B.J. NOVAK REFERENCE THERE,

BUT NOBODY CARES WHO HE IS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT AGAIN IN SLO-MO.

audience: OH!

- THIS IS A LESSON TO ALL YOU DOUCHE BAGS

AND IMPROV TROOPS.

TAKE YOUR COMEDY GOLD TO THE OUTLET MALLS

WHERE IT'S JUST FAT POOR PEOPLE WADDLING AROUND.

THANK GOODNESS THE MANAGER OF CINNABON CAME RUNNING OVER.

TO POINT OUT THAT THERE'S TWO GUYS

WEARING THE SAME GAY MIME SHIRT.

ALSO, YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

AFTER MY FACE HAS BEEN VIOLATED?

WHEN MY ATTACKER GENTLY RUBS MY BACK...

AND WHISPERS IN MY EAR THAT I DESERVE THIS.

LUCKY FOR US, EUROPEAN COPYRIGHT LAWS

ARE PRETTY, PRETTY...

PRETTY LENIENT.

WHICH MEANS GEMS LIKE THIS END UP ON THE INTERNET,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

COMING UP, WE GIVE

THE NINTENDO 64 KID A WEB REDEMPTION.

BUT FIRST, HERE'S THE CUTEST VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN.

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION, TURN THE VOLUME UP,

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE AT THE END, ONE OF THOSE CATS

MAKES A SLIGHTLY RACIST REMARK.

[tranquil music]

*

- RARGH!

- NINTENDO 64!

OH, MY GOD!

- THANK YOU, SANTA! - OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[screaming]

- I THINK THEY'RE EXCITED.

- YES! - OH, YES!

- YES! YES! - YES! YES!

- YES! YES! YES! - YES! YES! YES! YES!

- I HAVEN'T BEEN THAT EXCITED

SINCE THE TIME PETER, STEWIE AND I

WENT TRICK OR TREATING AT CHRISTOPHER REEVE'S HOUSE.

[laughter]

NO CUTAWAY? UGH.

THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH FUNNIER IF I WAS A CARTOON.

HEY, I DON'T BLAME THIS KID FOR GETTING EXCITED.

THAT'S NINTENDO EFFING 64.

YOU EVER PLAY GOLDENEYE?

WELL, IF YOU DID, YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

IT MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

RIGHT AFTER YOM KIPPUR.

DID I SAY THAT RIGHT?

SOME PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

LIKE, OH, IT'S TOO COMMERCIAL,

OR JESUS WASN'T REALLY BORN ON DECEMBER 25.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP!

CHRISTMAS RULES.

MY FAVORITE MEMORIES AREN'T OF THINGS I GOT.

MINE ARE OF WATCHING MY SISTER HAVE MELTDOWNS

OVER THINGS SHE DIDN'T GET.

GREATEST PRESENT I EVER RECEIVED--A GO-KART.

WHY IS MY HAT BACKWARDS?

FRED DURST PHASE.

[laughter]

I DIDN'T GO CRAZY WHEN I GOT IT, EITHER.

I CELEBRATED THE RIGHT WAY

BY DESTROYING MY DAD'S YARD DOING DONUTS.

THINGS WOULD BE TERRIBLE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

FOR ONE, MY FRIEND NATHAN WOULDN'T WORK.

AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR TIM ALLEN.

WE'D BE DEPRIVED OF CLASSIC BEN AFFLECK MOVIES

LIKE SURVIVING CHRISTMAS AND REINDEER GAMES,

WHICH TO THIS DAY

IS A TRADITION IN THE TOSH HOUSEHOLD.

THERE'D BE NO MISTLETOE, WHICH IS THE ONLY PLANT

THAT LEGALLY ALLOWS YOU TO MOUTH-RAPE YOUR COWORKER

AT THE OFFICE PARTY.

THAT IS A FACT.

POOR PEOPLE LOVE CHRISTMAS. IT DISTRACTS THEM.

IT'S THE ONE TIME OF THE YEAR

THEY CAN GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.

LOOK AT THIS KID.

HE'S JUST SITTING AROUND IN HIS FOOTIE PAJAMAS

AND SUDDENLY HE'S HANDED

THE GREATEST 64-BIT CONSOLE EVER MADE.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT AMERICA.

COOL [bleep] JUST DROPS IN YOUR LAP FOR NO REASON.

LIKE THE NOBEL PEACE PRICE.

[audience groans, laughs and applauds]

BESIDES, THE ONLY REASON

PARENTS BUY THEIR KIDS VIDEO GAMES

IS SO THEY'LL GO TO THEIR ROOM FOR THE NEXT SIX YEARS.

THERE'S A WAY TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU RECEIVE GIFTS,

AND THIS ISN'T IT.

THAT'S WHY WE BROUGHT THE NINTENDO 64 KID OUT

TO FACE HIS GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

- KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

ALL RIGHT, OPEN YOUR EYES.

- OH! - AH!

IT'S FAKE CHRISTMAS!

- HOW OLD ARE YOU? - 20.

- HOW OLD WERE YOU IN THAT VIDEO?

- I WAS SEVEN. - SEVEN! OH!

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE JOY YOU HAD THAT MORNING

TO ONE OF YOUR JEWISH FRIENDS?

- I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ANSWER THAT.

- [laughs]

I MEAN, THEY WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE THAT.

BMW BOUGHT THAT VIDEO?

- YEAH.

GOT A CALL ALL OF A SUDDEN, AND IT WAS LIKE

BMW WANTED THIS VIDEO.

- HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU?

- A GOOD AMOUNT.

- OVER 5,000? - YEAH.

- OVER 10,000? - YEAH.

- OVER 20,000? - OH, YEAH.

- HOLY [bleep].

DID YOU GET OVER $50,000 FOR THAT COMMERCIAL?

- NO, THAT WAS IT.

- HAVE YOU INVESTED YOUR MONEY?

- NO. - NO. GOOD.

YOU'RE YOUNG. YOU'LL MAKE MORE.

WHO PUT THE VIDEO ONLINE?

- I PUT IT ON MY WEB SITE. - UH-HUH.

- AND THEN SOMEONE SAW IT ON THERE AND PUT IT ON YOUTUBE.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO ONLINE

AND READ THE COMMENTS PEOPLE POSTED UNDER YOUR VIDEO?

- I THINK I STOPPED

AFTER THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT RAILING MY SISTER.

- [raucous laughter]

OH!

YEAH, THAT'S ALWAYS A TOUGH ONE TO HANDLE.

DO YOU--DO YOU TELL PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY THAT'S--

- NO. I USUALLY DON'T TELL PEOPLE AT ALL.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- I WONDER IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY GET LAID

OFF OF A REACTION YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE SEVEN YEARS OLD.

- THAT'D BE TIGHT.

- [laughs] THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

OKAY, OUR ORIGINAL WEB REDEMPTION IDEA

WAS TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN.

- HUH?

- YOU KNOW, JUST RECEIVE A GIFT

LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN AND SAY, "THANK YOU."

BUT OUR GOAL NOW IS JUST TO TEACH YOU

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

AND THAT'S IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE.

BUT FIRST, WE ARE GONNA BREAK FOR LUNCH.

- OOH, AND THIS IS-- - HERE'S YOUR LUNCH, DANIEL.

- THANK YOU, RACHEL. WHAT DID I GET?

IT'S A TURKEY SANDWICH!

AAH! IT'S A TURKEY SANDWICH!

YES! YES! YES!

HEY, BUDDY. - HEY.

- MY FRIEND BRANDON HAS SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- HERE, I GOT YOU SOME-- - GOD, YOU STINK!

SORRY. LOOK!

- WHAT THE [bleep] AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS?

- YOU COULD SELL IT FOR CRACK.

- SELL IT. - LET'S BE QUITE HONEST.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, BRANDON. UGH!

- THAT FELT GOOD. - OF COURSE IT FELT GOOD.

- COME OVER HERE.

WE'VE HAD A GREAT DAY.

YOU'VE LEARNED SOME PERSPECTIVE.

YOU LEARNED THE VALUE OF GIVING AND NOT RECEIVING.

SO AS A SHOW, WE WENT OUT AND GOT YOU A GIFT

FOR TOSH.0 TO YOU.

YOU EXCITED?

- I'M REALLY EXCITED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.

- OKAY, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YES.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S OPEN UP YOUR GIFT.

[mystical music]

- NINTENDO 64!

OH, MY GOD!

- ENJOY YOUR BRAND-NEW...

- ARE YOU [bleep]? WHAT?

- SEA-DOO! - AAH!

OOOHHH, MY GOD!

- YEAH, GET UP ON THERE. ENJOY IT. IT'S YOURS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

- OH, MY GOD! - WE'RE LIKE OPRAH.

- THIS IS AWESOME. - HOW'D WE DO?

- YOU--YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- RECEIVE A GIFT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN.

SAY THANK YOU. SAY THANK YOU.

[slowed down] SAY THANK YOU.

IT'S A PRETTY BIG LETDOWN, I'LL ADMIT.

UH...

[applause]

- DID WE REALLY GIVE BRANDON A WAVERUNNER?

WELL, LISTEN TO MY ASSISTANT'S VOICE MAIL.

- PLAY YOUR SAVED MESSAGES, PRESS 8.

[beep] - UM, HEY, RACHEL.

IT'S BRANDON AGAIN. THE N64 KID.

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS NOW

AND I STILL HAVEN'T RECEIVED THAT WAVERUNNER.

UH, GIVE ME A CALL BACK. MY NUMBER IS 561-[bleep]-68.

UH, OKAY. THANKS. BYE.

- HEY, BRANDON, PLEASE STOP CALLING.

TECHNICALLY, THAT IS HARASSMENT.

AND, NO, YOU'RE NOT GETTING A WAVERUNNER.

YOU FORGOT TO SAY THANK YOU.

THOSE WERE THE RULES, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

BESIDES, WAVERUNNERS ARE DANGEROUS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GROSSEST THING

YOU'VE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION.

BUT BEFORE WE GO, IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK,

AND THIS IS A HALLOWEEN CLASSIC.

- ARE YOU GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING?

- NO, PROBABLY-- - RARGH!

- UH, JUST ONE MORE THING. WHAT DID YOU GUYS WANT?

- UM, ONE, TWO, THREE.

men: FIRE IN THE HOLE! - FIRE IN THE--

[audience chuckles]

- LIKE HER $7-AN-HOUR JOB ISN'T PUNISHMENT ENOUGH.

THAT WAS THE "FIRE IN THE HOLE" PRANK.

PRANK, BEING A DICK. IT'S A GRAY AREA ONLINE.

BASICALLY, IT'S WHEN PEOPLE GO TO A DRIVE-THRU RESTAURANT,

AND AS SOON AS THEY GET THEIR ORDER,

THEY TOSS IT BACK IN THE WINDOW AND SCREAM,

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

THEY'RE PRETTY POPULAR.

SO I DECIDED TO SEE IF I COULD FIND OTHER PLACES

TO DO "FIRE IN THE HOLE."

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

- ALL RIGHT, SIR, YOU HAVE A NICE DAY

AND DRIVE SAFE.

- THANK YOU. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

KEEP IT CLOSE.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

OH, MAN, FOR THROWING THAT TICKET IN THE COP'S FACE,

I GOT A MANDATORY COURT APPEARANCE IN POUND TOWN.

[audience laughs]

'CAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE A STRIPPER.

POUND TOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET SERIOUS FOR A SECOND.

ZIT POPPING HAS BEEN A TREND ON GOOGLE.

IT'S GOTTEN SO POPULAR THAT TYRA BANKS

TOOK SOME TIME OFF FROM BEING UNTALENTED

TO DISCUSS IT ON HER SHOW.

WELL, THAT INSPIRED ME TO TAKE SOME ACTION.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GUYS HAD A GLIMPSE

OF ALL THE HORRIBLE [bleep] WE HAVE TO SIFT THROUGH

TO FIND FUNNY INTERNET VIDEOS.

SO GET YOUR BARF BAGS READY.

YOUR REACTIONS ARE ABOUT TO FILMED

WATCHING A SEGMENT CALLED "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

[audience chucking]

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S A DUDE WITH A CYST ON HIS BACK

AND A CHICK HOVERING OVER HIM WITH AN X-ACTO KNIFE

AND BAND-AIDS ON HER FINGERS.

SO I ASSUME SHE'S A LICENSED DERMATOLOGIST.

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- OH! AAH!

[audience groaning]

OH, MY GOD!

OH...MY...

- SO IF YOU GUESSED

SHE WOULD USE A KNIFE TO SLICE AN ESCAPE ROUTE

FOR ALL THE SHOULDER CHEESE,

YOU'RE OFF TO A GOOD START.

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- IT'S THE WORST SMELL I THINK I'VE EVER SMELLED

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

audience: OH!

- OH! UGH!

- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

ANOTHER TABLESPOON OF PUS.

AND IF YOU GUESSED THAT THE SMELL

WOULD BE RANCID ENOUGH TO ALMOST MAKE HER PUKE

ON HIS BACK, GOOD WORK!

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

- OH, MY GOD! [audience groans]

- YEAH, A LOT MORE PUS.

THE REAL THING YOU SHOULD BE WONDERING IS

HOW THE HELL THEY LET ME PUT THIS ON TELEVISION.

- OH! - THERE'S MORE COMING OUT.

- YOU WANT TO GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

NO? TOO BAD.

- UGH!

- YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! IT'S LIKE A BRAIN!

- OH!

YOU KNOW HOW IT'S FUN TO LOOK AT CLOUDS

AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHAPES YOU SEE IN THEM?

I LIKE TO PLAY THAT WITH THIS GUY'S PUS.

SHE SEES A BRAIN.

I SEE A BABY ARMADILLO.

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

ALSO, MAYBE A PAPER TOWEL

ISN'T THE BEST THING TO USE HERE.

INSTEAD, I'D RECOMMEND A SHAMWOW.

NOW STOP DRY HEAVING AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

- OH, IT SMELLS SO BAD.

GOD, I WISH I WOULD'VE BOUGHT GLOVES.

audience: OH!

- TALK ABOUT YOUR SIXTH SENSE STYLE TWIST ENDING.

WHO COULD'VE POSSIBLY FORESEEN THAT STILL MORE PUS AND BLOOD

WOULD COME OUT OF THERE LIKE SOFT SERVE FROYO.

BUT THAT'S HOW WE PLAY "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

AND TODAY, I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY, WE ALL LOST.

[applause and laughter]

OKAY, GUYS, IF YOU HAVE A GIANT CYST,

SEND 'EM TO COMEDY CENTRAL-- NO, I'M KIDDING.

IF YOU HAVE A GIANT CYST, GO SEE A DOCTOR.

IF YOU HAVE A FUNNY VIDEO, GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL/TOSH.0

AND UPLOAD IT FOR A CHANCE

TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS GENIUS CAMP.

- WHOA, WHOA. YOU HEAR THAT?

- SOUNDS LIKE A VOICE.

- YOU CAMPING IN THERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YEAH. - YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE...

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU.

- HEY, WHERE'S YOUR RAIN COVER?

- YEAH, THAT DOES SOUND LIKE ME.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE THE TENT?

- YO, IS THAT ME?

- YEAH, IT'S ME.

- YO, ME, HEY, WHAT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR?

- BLUE. - OH, MAN, THAT IS ME.

- OH, MAN, THIS IS WEIRD.

- THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.

- NOT THAT WEIRD.

- THANKS, GUYS.

AND NOW THE MOST UNFORTUNATE DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK.

THIS TIME, OUR WINNER IS AN INDUSTRIAL WEB SITE

FOR AN OIL EXTRACTING COMPANY,

AND THEIR ADDRESS IS BJSERVICES.COM.

[audience laughs] ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.

THE COMPANY WAS FOUNDED BY A GUY NAMED BYRON JACKSON--B.J.

AND IF YOU CAN BEAT HIS PRICES,

HE'LL GO DOWN ON YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF THE GRAHAM NORTON EFFECT.

[applause]

- HEY, GUYS, WELCOME BACK.

I WAS JUST IN POUND TOWN.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, SPEAKING OF GAY, ROLLER-BLADING...

IS A LOT LIKE HOCKEY.

IT'S ONLY INTERESTING TO WATCH WHEN SOMEBODY GETS HURTS.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND,

THIS NEXT CLIP SHOULD BE REALLY FASCINATING.

- OH! [audience groans]

[audience groans]

[woman shrieks]

[audience groaning]

[laughter]

- [bleep]!

[laughter continues]

- KNOCK IT OFF, YOU GIRL.

THE OTHER GUY FELL OFF A CHURCH.

[audience laughing]

BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

WHEN THE TRAMPLED CHEERLEADER GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

[crowd cheering]

[audience groans]

- [laughing] SHE DIED!

NO. THAT'S JUST POOR TACKLING.

REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO THAT WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW.

AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY TOUR SCHEDULE

TO SEE WHEN I'LL BE PERFORMING NEAR YOUR HOUSE.

AND GO TO OUR WEB SITE TO SEE EXTENDED INTERVIEWS

FROM OUR WEB REDEMPTIONS.

AND ALSO TAKE MY SCREAMING HEAD

AND PUT IT IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES.

YEAH. HAPPY HALLOWEEN. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[cheers and applause]

- I'M GONNA SHOW YOU IT TRULY IS BETTER TO GIVE

THAN TO RECEIVE.

ESPECIALLY IN PRISON.

I WOULD CERTAINLY RATHER GIVE.

I THINK SO.

PART OF ME THINKS THAT I WOULDN'T IN PRISON

JUST BECAUSE OF THE FACT

THAT I WOULD MENTALLY HAVE TO GET AROUSED

FOR THAT SITUATION,

WHERE THE OTHER ONE, I CAN JUST CRY.

- AND TAKE IT. - RIGHT.

- YEAH.

- MAYBE IT IS BETTER TO RECEIVE IN PRISON.

- I THINK IT'D BE OVER FASTER.

- YOU DON'T KNOW ME. - OH.