Original subtitles

[bleep]!

OH, [bleep]!

[crying]

- YOU ALL RIGHT?

[laughter]

[applause]

- AW, THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

I AM YOUR HOST DANIEL DWIGHT TOSH.

HEH. YOU ALL RIGHT?

[laughter]

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU

FOR MAKING US LAST WEEK'S NUMBER 12 SHOW IN OUR TIME SLOT

ON CABLE, IN THE KEY DEMO, MALES 18 TO 19.

THAT'S A BIG DEAL. THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU. WE EARNED IT.

UH, COMING UP,

THE CRYING GIANTS FAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION,

A DAVID LETTERMAN-INSPIRED FLASH MOB--

WHAT'S A FLASH MOB?

UH, AND STRIPPERS HIT THE POLE AND THE GROUND.

[audience groans]

NOW CAN I SEE THAT OPENING VIDEO ONE MORE TIME?

AND I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE RAISED BY A SINGLE PARENT.

[laughter]

[bleep]!

OH, [bleep]!

[crying]

- SHUT UP. YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

[laughter]

IS THERE ANY SWEETER SOUND

THAN THE BLOODCURDLING SCREAM OF A CHILD?

I WONDER IF LANCE HAS A BRACELET FOR THIS.

[laughter]

RIDING OFF A TRUCK DOESN'T SEEM THAT HARD,

BUT I DECIDED TO TEST IT MYSELF

WITH THE HELP OF MY CHILDHOOD HERO,

THE STAR OF THE MOVIE RAD,

THE 1986 BMX CULT CLASSIC, CRU JONES HIMSELF,

MR. BILL ALLEN.

AND YES, WE ARE RECREATING A SCENE

FROM THE MOVIE, WORD FOR WORD.

- IF YOU LEAD WITH YOUR HEAD,

YOUR BODY WILL JUST FOLLOW NATURALLY.

- REALLY?

- BESIDES, IF YOU DO MAKE IT

AND THOSE MATTRESSES ARE THERE,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA WIPE OUT ANYWAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

- NO GUTS, NO GLORY.

- [exhales]

LUKE, TAKE THE MATTRESSES OUT.

- IT'S YOUR BUTT, PAL.

- WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

['80s upbeat music]

- THIS IS STUPID.

[applause]

- AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

[laughter]

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF MR. BILL ALLEN,

DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL.

AS LONG AS I HAVE A TV SHOW, CRU JONES HAS A HOME.

[laughter]

I LOVE YOU, CRU.

I SWEAR, LIKE, IF HE WAS HANGING FROM A CLIFF

AND I WAS HOLDING HIM WITH ONE ARM

AND I WAS HOLDING MY GIRLFRIEND WITH THE OTHER

AND I HAD ENOUGH STRENGTH TO SAVE THEM BOTH,

I WOULD LET GO OF MY GIRLFRIEND

JUST SO I COULD MAKE SURE

THAT I REALLY HAD A GOOD GRIP ON BILL.

[laughter]

THIS CALLS FOR SOME MUSIC.

- I'M GONNA SING FIVE OCTAVES ON THE PIANO.

- HE'S SELF-TAUGHT.

[single note on piano]

- [sings low note off-key]

[single note on piano]

[sings low note off-key]

- HE'S OFF TO A BAD START. IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER.

[single note on piano]

- [sings higher note off-key]

- I WAS WRONG.

- [sings higher note off-key]

- I THINK HE'S HAVING A STROKE.

- [sings high note off-key]

[single note on piano]

[sings high note off-key]

- NAILED IT.

- [sings high note off-key]

- [imitates his high note]

[laughter]

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT'S GUESSING THE PIANO'S OUT OF KEY?

[laughter]

BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ANGEL.

LIKE A YOUNG CHARLOTTE CHURCH.

A YOUNG CHARLOTTE CHURCH WITH HUGE, HAIRY BALLS.

[laughter]

[sighs]

I THINK IT'S TIME

WE BRING A LITTLE INTERNATIONAL FLAVOR TO THE SHOW.

[wind blowing]

[laughter]

- YEAH, IT'S THE LIGHTER SIDE OF TERRORISM.

[laughter]

OKAY, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME.

THEY ARE CLEARLY PROFESSIONALS

AND THEY ARE DOING THIS FOR A MOVIE

AND IT'S CLEARLY DONE ON A CLOSED COURSE.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE TOOK CARE OF THAT,

PLEASE SEND US YOUR VIDEOS.

NO, I'M--[laughs] THAT'S A JOKE. DON'T.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE

HOW MANY FUNNY/SLIGHTLY RACIST COMMENTS

WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

[exhales]

HOW MUCH OIL DO THEY HAVE?

[laughter]

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY USED MAGIC CARPETS.

[laughter]

THEY'RE GETTING MORE CREATIVE WITH THEIR SUICIDES.

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE A TEAM-BUILDING EXERCISE FOR OPEC.

TRUST ME, IF YOU ATE FALAFEL AND FLATBREAD EVERY DAY,

YOU'D TAKE MORE CHANCES TOO.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL, THIS [bleep] NEVER HAPPENED UNDER SADDAM.

[laughter]

DO YOU MISS SADDAM? I DON'T.

I THINK WE DID THE RIGHT THING,

BUT I THINK INVADING ORIGINALLY WAS PROBABLY--

NEVER MIND.

THIS ISN'T THE PLACE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW

A MUSCULAR POLISH CHICK HAS BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN?

THIS MAKES ME HARD.

I MEAN, THAT LOOKS HARD.

[laughter]

DON'T ASK FOR THE DEEP-TISSUE HAND [bleep].

[laughter]

OH.

[laughter]

- TA-DAH!

[laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, GREAT. NOW UNROLL IT.

I'M [bleep] STARVING.

[laughs]

SPEAKING OF FOREIGN COUNTRIES,

LET'S HEAD TO THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA.

- THIS IS THE DOGS!

THIS IS STANFORD, BABY!

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT FOR THE DOGS!

IT REALLY SHINES WHEN THE WHITE IS ON THE FACE!

SPURRIER, YOU THINK VISORS ARE COOL?

[laughter]

- AAH.

IF ANYONE KNOWS COOL,

IT'S THIS SERIAL-KILLER-IN-TRAINING

RIGHT HERE.

LET'S ALL AGREE NOT TO LOOK BEHIND HIS DORM ROOM WALLS.

[laughter]

[laughs] ALL RIGHT.

I'D LISTEN TO HIM, BECAUSE I SAW HIM

BRING A DEAD DEER BACK TO LIFE.

I'M TELLING YOU, WE SHOULD KILL ALL THE REDHEADS.

THEY ARE A DANGEROUS BREED.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THESE CREEPY VIDEOS.

I WANT TO WATCH CHILDREN.

[audience aws]

- [chattering indistinctly]

[audience ohs]

- OH, OH, OH! YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO THE BORDER.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DRIVING

A GAS-GUZZLING SUV, YOU PRICK.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK

AND ASSESS THE DAMAGE IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

- THIS FAMILY HAS THE WORST LAWN ON THE BLOCK.

DAD CLEARLY ISN'T BRINGING HIS WORK HOME WITH HIM.

[laughter]

THE MOST SURPRISING PART OF THIS VIDEO

IS THAT THE WHOLE VILLAGE OF SANTA POCO

WASN'T IN THE CAR WITH HIM.

NOTICE HIS SISTER SHOVING HIM.

THAT'S JUST PROOF THAT 100% OF CAR ACCIDENTS

ARE CAUSED BY WOMEN.

[laughter]

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED THEY'D HAVE TO PUSH-START THEIR TOYS?

WATCH ENRIQUE REALIZE HIS BRAKES HAVE BEEN CUT.

HE PANICS, TRIES TO STOP THE CAR FLINTSTONE-STYLE,

BUT HE'S PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN.

NOW ALL HE CAN DO IS HOLD ON

AND KEEP HER POINTING DOWNHILL.

OH! EITHER HIS ALIGNMENT IS OFF

OR THAT'S THE SIDE OF THE CAR HE STASHED THE COCAINE ON.

EITHER WAY, POWER WHEELS CAN'T HANDLE TURNS

AT THAT HIGH SPEED.

EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE JEEPS ARE DANGEROUSLY TOP-HEAVY.

MAYBE HE'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.

NOT A CHANCE.

HE FAILS TO PULL OFF THE TOKYO DRIFT.

YOU GOTTA TURN INTO THE SKID.

COME ON!

OH, MAN, SOMEONE'S GONNA NEED A SIESTA.

[laughter]

I JUST HOPE NOBODY WAS HURT,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE.

[audience groans]

BECAUSE HE'S A CHILD.

[laughter]

AND HERE'S A LESSON FOR ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE.

WEAR A HELMET, EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE LIKE, "COOL KIDS DON'T WEAR 'EM."

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT CLUMSY.

[laughter]

I'M JUST GLAD HIS MOM DID THE RIGHT THING

AND KEPT THE CAMERA ROLLING,

AND FOR THAT, WE SAY GRACIAS.

[laughter]

[applause]

COMING UP,

WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS FAN A WEB REDEMPTION,

BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR CRAIGSLIST POST OF THE WEEK.

[laughter]

[applause]

IN THE NFL,

AND WE [bleep] DIDN'T PROVE IT THAT DAY,

AND NOW WE'RE OUT OF IT COMPLETELY.

I WANTED ANOTHER SUPER BOWL TROPHY.

WE'RE NOT GONNA GET IT THIS YEAR,

EVEN THOUGH WE DESERVED IT.

THIS TEAM IS MY LIFE!

THIS TEAM IS WHY I LIVE!

- [bleep] YOU!

I GET THE [bleep]! [bleep]!

- [bleep].

- SHUT THE [bleep] UP, YOU MOTHER[bleep]!

IT'S A [bleep] GAME!

[bleep]!

[laughter]

- YOU THINK HE BANGED THOSE CHICKS?

[laughter]

HEY, PLAXICO BURRESS DIDN'T EVEN CRY,

AND HE SHOT HIMSELF.

SUPPOSEDLY HE'S UPSET

BECAUSE THE NEW YORK GIANTS LOST IN THE PLAYOFFS LAST YEAR,

BUT I'M GONNA GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

AND HOPE THAT HE JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE HAS MAN-BOOB CANCER.

THE LAST TIME I CRIED OVER FOOTBALL

IS WHEN TOM BRADY GOT HURT,

AND THOSE WERE TEARS OF JOY.

HA HA HA, YOUR COACH IS A CHEATER,

YOUR RINGS ARE A LIE, YOU BACKUP FROM MICHIGAN.

YEAH, I SAID IT.

I'M A DOLPHINS FAN, AND EVERY TIME WE LOSE,

WHICH IS A LOT, THANKS TO THE WILDCAT...

[laughter]

I DON'T CRY.

I SAVE MY TEARS FOR IMPORTANT THINGS,

I SAVE MY TEARS FOR IMPORTANT THINGS, LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN ON MY CARDIGAN.

LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN ON MY CARDIGAN.

[laughter]

FOOTBALL IS THE MANLIEST PROFESSION IN THE WORLD,

EXCEPT FOR BOXING, RUGBY, BULLFIGHTING,

MILITARY SERVICE, ARM WRESTLING,

ICE ROAD TRUCKING, LAW ENFORCEMENT,

FIREFIGHTING, COMPETITIVE EATING,

NINJAS, OR BEING THE LEAD SINGER OF THE GOO GOO DOLLS.

LOOK, YOU'RE NOT A LOSER BECAUSE YOU DRESS UP

IN SHOULDER PADS WITH SPIKES ON THEM.

YOU'RE A LOSER BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE RAIDERS.

[laughter]

TEAMS NEED REAL FANS WHO WILL PAY FOR SEASON TICKETS,

YELL THEIR DRUNKEN ASSES OFF DURING THE GAME

TO GET A COUPLE CHEAP FALSE START PENALTIES.

JUST WATCH THE GAME LIKE A GROWN-UP.

CRYING GIANTS FAN'S ONLY REAL CRIME

WAS THAT HE CARED TOO MUCH,

SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A SHOULDER TO CRY ON

WITH THE HOPES THAT HE'D LEARN TO NUT UP OR SHUT UP

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

HAVE A SEAT. - THANK YOU, SIR.

- OH, I'M GLAD YOU COULD COME OVER.

- NO PROBLEM. - IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A GIANTS FAN?

- I'VE BEEN A GIANTS FAN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

- [bleep] MERRICK HILL, LAWRENCE TAYLOR,

ELI MANNING, THE DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS.

- OH. YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.

- [laughs] - NO. LET'S GO.

YOU SEE, MY DIGNITY MEANS NOTHING

WHEN IT COMES TO THE GIANTS, SO I'M GONNA SAY

KILL THE CHEERLEADERS. - YES!

- MARRY ELI MANNING, AND [bleep] LAWRENCE TAYLOR.

- YOU'RE A FAN. YOU'RE A TRUE FAN.

THAT'S THE ONLY ANSWER.

HOW LONG AFTER THE GAME WAS THIS VIDEO SHOT?

- OH, BOY, THIS WAS A FULL NIGHT AFTERWARDS.

- THIS WAS THE NEXT DAY? - THE NEXT NIGHT.

- OH, THAT IS CRAZY. - YEAH.

- SEE, I WAS HOPING THIS WAS MINUTES AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER.

- NO, I HAD TO DRIVE FROM THE BRONX,

FIVE HOURS UPSTATE, GET TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE--

- TO BREAK DOWN.

WOULD YOU RATHER GO UNDEFEATED THIS YEAR

AND WIN THE SUPER BOWL OR CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN?

- WHAT, ME PERSONALLY CATCH HIM?

- NO. - OH. UM...

- OSAMA GETS CAUGHT.

- UNDEFEATED AT THE SUPER BOWL.

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

- WE'LL CATCH OSAMA NEXT YEAR?

- YEAH, WE'LL GET HIM NEXT YEAR.

- OUR GOAL TODAY, THOUGH,

IS TO PREPARE YOU FOR A PRESS CONFERENCE.

- OKAY.

- BEFORE WE, UH,

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF.

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE,

GIVE YOU SOME PROPER PERSPECTIVE.

- SOUNDS GOOD. - BRIAN, COME ON IN HERE.

BRIAN, ROBERT.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.

- HOW MANY, UH, HOW MANY WINS YOU GET LAST SEASON?

WE HAD ZERO. WE HAD ZERO.

YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS?

- YEAH. - YEAH, WE HAD ZERO WINS.

ZERO.

WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE ANY SUPER BOWL WINS?

- THREE. - YEAH, WE HAVE ZERO.

ZERO. YEAH. - ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - GOOD JOB.

- THANK YOU.

- STOP CRYING, WUSSY. - I WILL.

- SCOTT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH LAST YEAR?

- YEAH, YEAH, I HAD A PRETTY BAD YEAR LAST YEAR ALSO.

YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER.

- WOW. - YEAH. YEAH, SO...

- ALL RIGHT, ROB, BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE,

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD VIDEO FOR YOU TO WATCH.

- HEY, ROB, OTTIS ANDERSON HERE.

WHEN YOU CRY, IT MAKES THE WHOLE TEAM LOOK BAD,

SO STOP BEING SUCH A [bleep] AND MAN UP.

- IT SEEMS LIKE GOOD ADVICE TO ME.

- ME TOO.

- OKAY, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE.

- OKAY.

- THEY'RE GONNA BE ASKING A LOT OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.

I WANT YOU TO BE RELAXED, I WANT YOU TO BE PASSIONATE,

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE EMOTIONAL.

- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM. - YOU CAN DO THIS.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- LET'S GO. - LET'S DO THIS.

- LET'S DO IT.

[overlapping chatter]

- HEY, ROB, I WAS WONDERING HOW YOU PLAN ON COMMEMORATING

THE GIANTS CHOKING IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN THIS YEAR?

- NEXT QUESTION.

- TECHNICALLY, THE PATRIOTS WERE A MUCH BETTER TEAM IN 2008,

EVEN THOUGH THE GIANTS WON THE SUPER BOWL.

HOW DO YOU RESPOND?

- THAT'S A GREAT SPORTS QUESTION.

CAN WE HAVE A MAN READ THAT

SO WE CAN ACTUALLY TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?

- YOU LOST TO THE EAGLES AT HOME.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN A--

THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION.

- UH, IF TIKI AND RONDE BARBER ARE IDENTICAL TWINS,

HOW COME TIKI'S THE ONLY ONE WHO SUCKS [bleep]?

- WHAT TYPE OF WOOD

DO YOU THINK TOM KAUFMAN'S TEETH ARE MADE FROM?

- DO YOU WATCH GAMES AT HOME, ALONE,

OR ALONE AT THE BAR?

- DAVE AND MEGAN ALMOST RHYMES WITH [bleep].

- [bleep]! YOU ARE JUST A FAT, STUPID [bleep]!

- CLASSICO, YOU [bleep] ASSICO.

- NOW THAT GAMES ARE IN HD, IS IT EASIER TO MASTURBATE?

- WHY CAN'T YOU GROW A REAL BEARD?

- BILL SIMMS' KID IS A [bleep]! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM PLAY?

- HOW BIG IS YOUR [bleep]?

- IF YOU HAD ONE NIGHT WITH TOM COLLINS,

SPIT OR SWALLOW?

- TWO PART QUESTION.

ELI MANNING SUCKS ASS AND GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

[slow speed] GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

- STOP THAT. [bleep] YOU, MAN.

YES. FALSE. NO. YOU ARE. YES. NO.

ABSOLUTELY. SWALLOW. YOU'RE A BITCH.

I THINK IT'S FALSE. [bleep] YOU. NO COMMENT.

I LIKE HIM. NEXT QUESTION.

HONESTLY, [bleep] ALL YOU GUYS.

- NO MORE QUESTIONS.

MY CLIENT HAS PROVEN THAT HE'S NO LONGER A SISSY.

WE'VE GOT A GAME TO GO TO.

- GO, GIANTS!

GIANTS! - LET'S GO, BABY!

- GUESS WHAT WE'RE GRILLING TODAY?

SOME BALD EAGLES!

THAT'S SOME GOOD BALD EAGLE!

IT'S NOT DONE! RAW CHICKEN'S BAD FOR YOU!

[laughter]

AH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,

BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR TOSH.O PRANK OF THE WEEK.

- I'M GONNA TEACH MY AUNT

THAT SHE NEEDS TO START LOCKING HER DOOR.

GOT YOUR BASIC JASON MASK RIGHT HERE.

LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.

[musical ringtone]

- HELLO.

[banging]

- WHAT? NO! HEY!

[screaming]

HELP!

[screaming]

- [indistinct]

- [screaming]

- IT'S A MASK.

- [screams]

YOU ALMOST SCARED ME TO DEATH, DOUGLAS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA TELL YOUR MOTHER ON YOU!

[laughter]

[applause]

- AND NOW...

[rock music]

*

- HEY, GUYS. - [screaming]

- OH, MY GOODNESS, STEREOTYPES ARE SO FUNNY.

A LITTLE BEHIND-THE-SCENES INFO FOR YOU.

UH, TO BECOME SKINHEADS FOR THAT VIDEO,

I PERSONALLY SHAVED THE HEADS OF MY ENTIRE STAFF.

I ENJOYED IT.

- GO, GO! GO, GO!

- FLASH MOBS ARE WHEN LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE

ASSEMBLE IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING,

LIKE DANCE MC HAMMER.

ALL RIGHT, STOP.

- HAMMER TIME!

[laughter]

- I CAN REALLY DO IT.

JUST DON'T PAN DOWN.

UH, I THOUGHT I'D CREATE A FLASH MOB OF MY OWN

IN HONOR OF DAVID LETTERMAN,

SINCE HE'S BEEN IN THE NEWS SO MUCH LATELY.

HE USED TO DO A BIT TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE

IN SPIDER MAN SUITS HE COULD FIT INTO A JAMBA JUICE.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND, LET'S SEE...

GELATO IS MILK-BASED

AND ICE CREAM IS A CUSTARD-BASED MIX

BETWEEN CREAM AND EGG YOLKS.

[laughter]

I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

UH, THAT GIRL SEEMED YOUNG.

IS THAT SARAH PALIN'S DAUGHTER?

[laughs]

THE ONE THAT HAS CHILDREN ALREADY

AND IS OF AGE?

OH! THERE ARE SOME NBC PAGES WITH HUGE JACKETS ON.

WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE?

OH, THERE'S A GIRL FROM DEAL OR NO DEAL,

THE GRUNGE EDITION.

WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE? OH, IS THAT GRINDER GIRL?

OH, I'M GLAD HE GAVE IT TO HER.

[laughter]

SHE ALWAYS LOOKS SLUTTY, YOU KNOW?

IS THAT MY MOTHER?

[laughter]

THAT IS WEIRD BECAUSE SHE ONLY WENT TO ONE TAPING,

AND SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED LENO.

ALL RIGHT, 28. THAT'S NOT BAD.

UH...

[laughter]

TOBY MAGUIRE? [laughs]

I GUESS THAT'S A STEP UP FROM MAKING OUT WITH KIRSTEN DUNST.

[audience ohs]

I DON'T--I DON'T LIKE HER LITTLE TEETH.

ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S 28 WOMEN AND ONE SUPERHERO.

THAT'S NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE.

HE'S BEEN ON TELEVISION FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

BILL ALLEN HAD SEX WITH OVER 30 PEOPLE BEFORE LUNCH.

YEAH, THAT'S RAD.

[laughter]

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S NOT EVERYONE

DAVID LETTERMAN HAD SEX WITH,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE CRAIG FERGUSON IN THERE.

YEAH, AND I'M POSITIVE

HE HAD TO [bleep] SOMEBODY TO GET THAT JOB.

[laughter]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE

TO GET ON THIS SHOW.

JUST GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.O

AND UPLOAD YOUR CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS MARK AND ANDY FROM FUNNY OR DIE.

- MR. MATHESON, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE.

THIS BOX MAY BE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEM.

IF YOU PUSH THIS BUTTON, TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN.

ONE, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,

WHO YOU DON'T KNOW, WILL DIE.

- OKAY. - AND TWO--

[laughter]

- OH! OH!

PLEASE BE CAMERON DIAZ.

THANKS, GUYS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH MORE LEWIS BLACK'S THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

[applause]

[applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

[laughter]

WHO'S THE CREEPY ONE NOW?

UH, BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

WHEN WE GIVE THE NINTENDO 64 KID A WEB REDEMPTION.

- NINTENDO 64!

OH, MY GOD!

- THANK YOU!

- OH, MY GOD!

- OH, IT'S GREAT TO KNOW SOMEBODY HAD A GOOD CHILDHOOD.

[laughs] DAD, I LOVE YOU.

[laughter]

MESSAGE TO THE AMATEUR STRIPPERS WATCHING AT HOME,

YOU DON'T JUST START OUT ON THE MAIN STAGE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN BUY A POLE FOR YOUR HOUSE

DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BE HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM IT.

[rock music]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

*

[audience ohs]

*

[audience ohs]

*

[audience ohs]

*

[audience ohs]

- OUCH!

[both arguing]

- [laughs] WHORES.

[laughter]

HEY, REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW.

THAT'S ALWAYS FUN.

AND MAKE SURE YOU COME SEE ME DO STAND-UP LIVE,

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BLACK OUT TOSH.O

IN YOUR LOCAL AREA.

YEAH.

THE NFL ISN'T THE ONLY ONE HURTING.

UH, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

FOR OUR BIG HALLOWEEN SHOW.

IT'S GONNA BE VERY SCARY.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.

[applause]

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

THAT STRAHAN WAS LET GO

JUST BECAUSE ELI'S [bleep] KEPT GETTING STUCK IN HIS GAP?

- [laughs] OH, WOW, THAT IS JUST--

- WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING A GAME ON SUNDAY

AND YOU SEE ELI MANNING AND YOU IMAGINE, UH,

THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF HIS PENIS,

IN INCHES, HOW BIG DO YOU THINK IT REALLY IS?

- TAKE YOURS AND MULTIPLY THAT BY TEN

AND THEN ADD 200.

- THAT IS, UH, THAT'S CLEARLY AN EXAGGERATION.