Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER]

**

[APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

I'M YOUR GUEST HOST, DANIEL

TOSH.

TODAY THE BACKYARD WRESTLER

STOPS BY FOR THE MOST INTENSE

WEB REDEMPTION EVER.

I INTRODUCE A BRAND NEW FETISH

AT ADULTCON.

AND OLD LEE READS MILEY CYRUS

TWEETS.

ALRIGHT.

NOW I WANT TO SAY THIS UPFRONT.

I FOUND THAT FIRST VIDEO VERY

UPSETTING.

MAY I PLEASE SEE IT AGAIN?

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> CALM DOWN.

THEY'RE FOREIGNERS.

TURNS OUT THIS WAS A BROTHER AND

SISTER WHO WERE REENACTING A

SCENE FROM A PORTUGUESE MOVIE

AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHED

IT, INCLUDING MY FRIEND ANDRE,

WHO CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK IT

WAS FUNNY.

>> AH, GOOD!

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> I WISH WE WOULD HAVE GOT IT

ON THE FIRST TAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER

TAKE WERE I SLAPPED HIM SO HARD

HE FORGOT HIS LINE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AH, GOOD!

[LAUGHTER]

>> DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR HIM.

HE MADE $267 FOR THAT AND A

MULE.

[BLEEP]

>> OKAY.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

LET'S NOT TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.

[BLEEP]

>> YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR

OPINION.

[BLEEP]

>> NO, [BLEEP] YOU.

THIS IS A [BLEEP] FAMILY SHOW.

SPEAKING OF FAMILIES, IT'S TIME

FOR THE PIC OF THE WEEK.

THIS IS A PHOTO OF TWO PEOPLE

THAT DECIDED TO CHRISTEN THE NEW

DALLAS FOOTBALL STADIUM BY

MAKING A BABY ON THE BATHROOM

FLOOR.

LET'S SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE

CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

LOOKS LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON IS

GETTING BACK AT SOMEONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE HE PUT DOWN ONE OF THOSE

PROTECTIVE SEAT COVERS FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

I GET IT, HE'S THE STAR IN THE

CRAPPER WHILE ROMO TAKES A

[BLEEP] ON THE FIELD.

THAT'S NOT THE REAL MICHAEL

IRVIN.

I DON'T SEE ANY COCAINE AND

MICHAEL NEVER LINES UP IN THE

SLOT.

[LAUGHTER]

THE COUPLE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE

THEY WERE CAPTURED BY THE

MASSIVE COWBOY'S STADIUM HUMP

CAM.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, CAUSE MOST STADIUMS HAVE A

KISS CAM, BUT EVERYTHING'S

BIGGER IN TEXAS, SO THEY HAVE

THE HUMP CAM.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS THAT, 1080I?

THAT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

GOOGLE "YOUNG ASIAN GIRL PLAYS

HIDE-AND-SEEK."

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

HERE I COME.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ACCORDING TO MY UNCLE, THE

ASIANS HE LOOKED FOR IN 'NAM,

NOT THIS EASY TO FIND.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO PLAY.

I'M IT.

>> ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO

MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI,

READY OR NOT, HERE I COME.

>> LING-LING.

WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?

LING-LING!

LING-LING, WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?

LING-LING!

THERE YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE A GOOD HIDER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THANK GOODNESS I FOUND HER

BECAUSE DADDY NEEDS A NEW PAIR

OF SHOES AND GOOD HELP IS HARD

TO FIND FOR UNDER FIVE CENTS A

DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ALRIGHT.

THAT'S OKAY.

I'M GOING TO WIN YOU BACK

BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME.

IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.

>> IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.

>> THAT'S A PEPSI.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS

HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES

AND PEOPLE WHO STAND ON GLASS

TABLES SHOULDN'T BE CHUNKY.

[LAUGHTER]

BESIDES, IKEA WARNS THEIR TABLES

ARE NOT MEANT FOR PERCOLATING.

IT SAYS IT RIGHT ON THE BOX.

IT SAYS, "DO NOT PERCOLATE."

BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GET UP

THERE AND START PERCOLATING.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER]

GET A REBOUND.

NOT ONE PERSON CRASHED THE

BOARDS.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

LET'S RESET THE SHOT CLOCK AND

TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THIS KID

DUNKED HIMSELF IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

**

[APPLAUSE]

YOU NEVER SEE RICH PEOPLE WITH

TRAMPOLINES.

IT'S LIKE AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.

IT'S JUST NOT AN UPSCALE PIECE

OF LAWN FURNITURE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, AT LEAST THEY SPRUNG FOR

THE SAFETY NET.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

WELL, HERE'S ONE THING: THESE

KIDS COULD START DOUBLE-BOUNCING

THE [BLEEP] OUT OF EACH OTHER.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHAT A DOUBLE BOUNCE IS, IT'S

THE TRAMPOLINE EQUIVALENT OF A

SPEEDBALL.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS, IT'S WHAT

KILLED JOHN BELUSHI.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHO JOHN BELUSHI IS, HE'S JIM

BELUSHI'S BROTHER.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHO JIM IS, HE'S THE GUY FROM

"ACCORDING TO JIM."

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T

WATCH "ACCORDING TO JIM,"

CONGRATULATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WOW IS HE UP THERE.

SOMEBODY JUST CAUGHT FIRE NBA

JAM STYLE.

[LAUGHTER]

SAVOR THE MOMENT, SCOTTY SKILES,

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TO TURN SOUR.

THAT'S A TECHNICAL FOUL.

GET OFF THE RIM.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

SUCK IT, VINCE CARTER.

DANGLING BY YOUR ELBOW, DOESN'T

SEEM LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HMM.

IT HURTS TO HEAR.

THIS IS WHERE HE AND HIS TORN

ACL COULD LEARN A LESSON FROM

SASCHA.

JUST DISTRIBUTE THE BALL, SET

SOME SCREENS, AND DRAW DEFENDERS

OUT OF THE LANE SO REAL PLAYERS

CAN PUT ON THE SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHY IS HE CRYING LIKE NANCY

KERRIGAN?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE WHITE.

YOU DON'T GET TO DUNK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I HATE TO POINT THIS OUT,

BUT THE BLACK GUY'S RUNNING

AWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?

NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM

A BLACK GUY STANDING OVER A

CRYING WHITE KID.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, AT LEAST THE CAMERA GUY WAS

ABLE TO STOP LAUGHING LONG

ENOUGH TO PUT THIS SPORTSCENTER

HIGHLIGHT ONLINE, AND FOR THAT,

WE THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

BACKYARD WRESTLER'S WEB

REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, IN HONOR

OF MILEY CYRUS TRAGICALLY

DELETING HER TWITTER ACCOUNT,

HERE'S OLD LEE READING SOME OF

HER FINAL TWEETS.

>> NIGHT WILL FOLLOW DAY, SURE

AS THE SUN AND MOON.

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH

YOU.

JUST FOLD YOUR HANDS AND PRAY

AND I AM BESIDE YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

REGARDING MY LAST TWEET.

YES, IT WAS ABOUT A BOY.

THE ONE WHO NEVER LETS ME DOWN.

THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES ME

SMILE.

MY PAPPY.

[APPLAUSE]

>> OLD, SCHOOL, BABY.

THAT'S GOT TO BE PAIN.

HE WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME OUT

THERE.

>> IT'S HARDCORE MAT.

>> I'M GOING PARTYING WITH THIS

MAN LATER.

ME AN THIS GUY.

WE'RE GETTING -- WITH HOOKERS.

THERE HE GOES.

MY GOD!

>> OH MY.

I HOPE THEY WERE STILL ABLE TO

GO OUT AND [BLEEP] HOOKERS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT URINE

SOAKED MATTRESS PROVIDED ENOUGH

CUSHION.

HAD IT BEEN A TEMPUR-PEDIC, HE

COULD'VE PULLED THAT MOVE OFF

AND NOT SPILLED HIS GLASS OF

WINE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT

WRESTLING'S FAKE.

FAKE MY ASS.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SERGEANT

SLAUGHTER'S NOT A REAL SERGEANT?

[LAUGHTER]

MR. PERFECT'S NOT REALLY

PERFECT?

RAVISHING RICK RUDE ISN'T

RAVISHING?

BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW HE

IS.

THERE'S NOT A WOMAN IN THE WORLD

THAT WOULDN'T LOVE TO GET

PLUCKED OUT OF THE AUDIENCE AND

BE FRENCHED BY THIS GUY.

I LOVE WRESTLING AND NOT THAT

HORRIBLE OLYMPICS [BLEEP].

REAL WRESTLING.

IT'S ABOUT SHOWMANSHIP AND

TIGHTS.

IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH JUST TO BE

A GREAT TECHNICIAN.

IF IT WERE, THEN ARN ANDERSON

WOULD BE THE MOST FAMOUS

WRESTLER IN THE WORLD.

YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ARN ANDERSON.

I'M CALLING YOU OUT, ARN

ANDERSON!

ON THE OTHER HAND, LOOK AT THE

HULKSTER.

HE GOT A MILLION HULKAMANIACS TO

TRAIN, SAY THEIR PRAYERS, AND

EAT THEIR VITAMINS.

THEY DIDN'T DO IT BECAUSE OF HIS

LEG DROP.

THEY DID IT BECAUSE HULK

LISTENED TO HIS AUDIENCE, MOSTLY

BY DOING THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

UNFORTUNATELY, THE HULKSTER GAVE

US BROOKE HOGAN.

AND WHILE I'M NOT SURE WHAT

GENDER SHE IS, I THINK IT'S TIME

HOGAN MADE A DECISION.

POINT IS, PRO WRESTLING INSPIRES

PEOPLE TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS.

SO WE CUT THE GRASS, IGNORED THE

LAWYERS AND FLEW THE BACKYARD

WRESTLING KID OUT TO THE TOSH.0

YARD, TO SEE IF HE WAS UP FOR

THE REMATCH IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> WHOA!

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

WRESTLING?

>> PROBABLY ABOUT TWO YEARS.

>> DID YOU REALLY GET HURT IN.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

>> NO, NO HOSPITAL.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT FOR

NECK INJURIES.

IS WRESTLING A FAKE?

>> I CAN'T ANSWER THAT.

>> YOUR MOVE WAS REAL?

>> YEAH.

THAT IS AN ACTUAL MOVE AND TAKES

LOTS OF PRACTICE.

>> DID YOU PRACTICE IT?

>> NO.

THAT WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

>> FIRST ATTEMPT?

>> YEAH.

>> HAVE YOU DONE THAT MOVE SINCE

THAT DAY?

>> I HAVE NOT.

>> BEFORE YOUR MATCH, WE NEED TO

FOCUS ON TRAINING.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO IT.

>> DONE.

>> OH!

>> BREATHE IN.

>> YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> FIRST THING I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU IS A SLAP.

I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU HIKE THIS

AND FLIP YOU OVER.

BODY SLAM.

>> BODY SLAM?

>> THIS IS THE ONE EVERYBODY

LIKES TO DO.

>> OKAY.

COME IN.

>> WHOA!

>> PUT MY MIC DOWN.

>> REMEMBER THAT MOVE?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> I REMEMBER THAT MOVE.

LET'S GO OVER THAT.

>> I'LL SHOW YOU.

DO YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM?

>> WHOA!

ARGH.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE

WRESTLER WAS?

>> RAVISHING RICK RUDE.

>> THERE IT IS.

LET'S ALL DO IT.

LET'S GO TOGETHER.

SCORPIO SAYS SO MUCH.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OH!

>> HI, THIS IS DANIEL TOSH

REPORTING LIVE.

READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT?

>> HECK YEAH.

READY, GO.

BACK TO YOU, BRODY STEPHENS.

>> THANK YOU.

BRODY STEPHENS REPORTING TO YOU

LIVE FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

IN THE RED CORNER, THE PARTY

STARTER WEBBER.

OUT OF THE BLUE CORNER, FROM

PARTS UNKNOWN, PROBABLY MEXICO,

PUNT

PUNT

PUNTITO DIABLO.

>> YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

THAT'S A WARNING, DIABLO.

LET'S GET IT ON!

>> WE'RE UNDERWAY.

THEY'RE WRESTLING.

PUNTITO IN THE ROPES.

HE GETS AN AX HANDLE IN THE JAW.

HE ACTUALLY GOT AIR.

THERE'S A CHAIR IN THE RING.

OH, MY GOSH, THE REFEREE IS OUT

COLD.

WE NEED AN ICE PACK.

A SHOT TO THE FACE ON THE LITTLE

GUY.

HE'S STUNNED.

LEE PICKS HIM UP FOR A HUGE

SLAM.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

LEE IS ATTEMPTING TO DO A SECOND

MOVE.

PEOPLE, THIS CONTINUE ONLY END

IN DISASTER.

I WISH I COULD TELL HIM TO STOP

IT, PLEASE.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

>> LEE GOES IN FOR THE PIN,

HOOKS A LEG.

IT'S OVER.

LEE WINS!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR

BACK YARD?

WE MAKE CHAMPIONS IN HIS BACK

YARD.

[APPLAUSE]

>> FYI, I'M STILL WEARING THE

SINGLET.

[LAUGHTER]

IT FEELS RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR

BRAND NEW FETISH, BUT FIRST,

HERE'S YOUR TOSH.0 TOILET BASED

PRANK OF THE WEEK.

[KNOCKING]

>> WHAT DO YOU NEED?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M -- [BLEEP].

>> THIS ONE IS COLD.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> DON'T LAUGH.

THAT'S HOW 2PAC WAS KILLED.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYONE KNOWS DROPPING A MENTOS

INTO DIET COKE TURNS THE BOTTLE

INTO A NERD-SEEKING MISSILE, BUT

WHAT IF YOU WERE TO CHUG TWO

LITERS AND EAT A MENTOS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> OOH!

>> DANIEL, IT'S NOT GOING TO

WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S REALLY WEIRD THAT SHE

DIDN'T STEP OUT OF THE WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

>> AA, OEW.

YOU SEE SOMEONE CLEANING THEIR

EAR WITH A Q-TIP.

I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

LOTS, AND LOTS OF MONEY.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN

WATCHING SOMEONE SCRAPE WAX OUT

OF THEIR EARS.

THERE'S ALL KINDS OF FETISHES

OUT THERE.

THERE'S FOOT FETISHES, TICKLE

FETISHES, BUT NO ONE HAS

CORNERED THE MARKET ON Q-TIP,

UNTIL NOW.

I WENT TO ADULTCON, LA'S SECOND

LARGEST PORN CONVENTION, TO

CLEAN SOME EARS.

>> HI.

WE'RE HERE AT ADULTCON.

LIKE MOST OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS,

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

Q-TIPPING?

>> CLEANING YOUR EARS?

>> YEAH.

IT'S MY NEW FETISH.

>> DO YOU USE Q-TIPS?

>> YEAH.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

>> DUSTING YOUR COMPUTER.

>> I'M A WATCHER.

>> HOW MANY Q-TIPS DO YOU THINK

YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR EAR?

>> MAYBE FIVE.

>> THAT SOUNDS SO SEXY.

THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON THE

PLANET HAS TO BE THE FOOD COURT

AT ADULTCON.

WHO COMES HERE FOR THE -- FOOD

COURT?

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE].

>> WELL, NOT WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING.

>> HOW DID THAT FEEL?

>> I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

>> IT WAS A ONE-TIME DEAL.

>> I'LL TAKE THAT.

PASS THAT ON TO YOU.

>> IS THIS LIKE A DNA SAMPLE?

>> YES.

WE'RE SERVING A WARRANT FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

I'VE INTRODUCED Q-TIPPING TO THE

WORLD.

HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR IT.

I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND TAKE A

BATH IN PURELL AND KEROSENE AND

THEN I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> GREAT.

NOW ALL OF MY Q-TIPS HAVE AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT AT LEAST I GOT SOME GREAT

IDEAS FOR MY NEW WEBSITE,

QTIPPING.COM.

>> CHECK OUT QTIPPING.COM.

WE HAVE DOUBLE PENETRATION

QTIPS, EAR TO MOUTH AND OF

COURSE, LUBE COTTON.

>> GO TO OUR WEBSITE

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO

SUBMIT ANYTHING Q-TIP RELATED.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD

YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO

BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS

GOODNEIGHBORSTUFF.COM.

>> OH!

>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I'M SORRY.

>> GUYS --

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON

THERE, DUDE.

>> WE WERE TRYING TO HAVE FUN.

SORRY.

>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO CHECK ON MY

E-MAILS BUT THIS CAME UP.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, OF COURSE, MAN.

OH!

>> WHAT IS THIS, LIKE FUNGI

SOMETHING?

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S WEIRD.

>> OH!

>> HEY, MAN IF YOU -- ARE YOU

GAME?

>> I'M GAME.

YOU KNOW THAT.

>> WHO ARE THESE GUYS, MAN?

>> THIS IS AWFUL.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

IF YOU COULD TELL ME.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?

WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> THANKS GUYS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

"KROD MANDOON AND THE FLAMING

SWORD OF FIRE."

[APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BACK.

THAT ENERGY IS AUTHENTIC.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEK I SHOWED YOU MY

INAPPROPRIATE MACHO MAN RANDY

SAVAGE IMPRESSIONS AND ASKED YOU

TO SEND IN SOME OF YOUR OWN.

WELL, HERE'S OUR FAVORITE.

>> I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF

PRESSURE.

>> THIS GUY IS GOING TO FEEL IT

IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT WHEN

THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE DOES

IT.

OH, YEAH!

>> OH YEAH!

BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK

WHEN WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS

FAN A WEB REDEMPTION.

[INAUDIBLE]

>> THIS IS WHY YOU STOP NURSING

YOUR KIDS AFTER SIX MONTHS.

[LAUGHTER]

BEFORE WE GO, A MESSAGE TO YOU

GAMERS OUT THERE.

PLAYING THE WII IS NOT EXERCISE.

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY DROP

THE PRICE, IT'S STILL NOT GOING

TO OFFSET THE MEDICAL BILLS OR

THE ELECTRONICS YOU DESTROY

WHILE PLAYING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH!

[LAUGHTER]

>> OOH!

[LAUGHTER]

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOODNIGHT!