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[LAUGHTER]
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**
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[APPLAUSE]
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>> THANK YOU.
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OKAY.
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THANK YOU.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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I'M YOUR GUEST HOST, DANIEL
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TOSH.
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TODAY THE BACKYARD WRESTLER
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STOPS BY FOR THE MOST INTENSE
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WEB REDEMPTION EVER.
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I INTRODUCE A BRAND NEW FETISH
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AT ADULTCON.
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AND OLD LEE READS MILEY CYRUS
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TWEETS.
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ALRIGHT.
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NOW I WANT TO SAY THIS UPFRONT.
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I FOUND THAT FIRST VIDEO VERY
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UPSETTING.
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MAY I PLEASE SEE IT AGAIN?
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[LAUGHTER]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> CALM DOWN.
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THEY'RE FOREIGNERS.
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TURNS OUT THIS WAS A BROTHER AND
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SISTER WHO WERE REENACTING A
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SCENE FROM A PORTUGUESE MOVIE
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AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHED
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IT, INCLUDING MY FRIEND ANDRE,
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WHO CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK IT
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WAS FUNNY.
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>> AH, GOOD!
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[APPLAUSE]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> I WISH WE WOULD HAVE GOT IT
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ON THE FIRST TAKE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER
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TAKE WERE I SLAPPED HIM SO HARD
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HE FORGOT HIS LINE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> AH, GOOD!
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR HIM.
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HE MADE $267 FOR THAT AND A
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MULE.
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[BLEEP]
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>> OKAY.
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IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
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LET'S NOT TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.
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[BLEEP]
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>> YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR
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OPINION.
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[BLEEP]
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>> NO, [BLEEP] YOU.
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THIS IS A [BLEEP] FAMILY SHOW.
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SPEAKING OF FAMILIES, IT'S TIME
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FOR THE PIC OF THE WEEK.
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THIS IS A PHOTO OF TWO PEOPLE
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THAT DECIDED TO CHRISTEN THE NEW
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DALLAS FOOTBALL STADIUM BY
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MAKING A BABY ON THE BATHROOM
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FLOOR.
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LET'S SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE
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CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.
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LOOKS LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON IS
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GETTING BACK AT SOMEONE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I HOPE HE PUT DOWN ONE OF THOSE
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PROTECTIVE SEAT COVERS FIRST.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I GET IT, HE'S THE STAR IN THE
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CRAPPER WHILE ROMO TAKES A
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[BLEEP] ON THE FIELD.
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THAT'S NOT THE REAL MICHAEL
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IRVIN.
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I DON'T SEE ANY COCAINE AND
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MICHAEL NEVER LINES UP IN THE
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SLOT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THE COUPLE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE
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THEY WERE CAPTURED BY THE
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MASSIVE COWBOY'S STADIUM HUMP
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CAM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SEE, CAUSE MOST STADIUMS HAVE A
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KISS CAM, BUT EVERYTHING'S
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BIGGER IN TEXAS, SO THEY HAVE
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THE HUMP CAM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHAT IS THAT, 1080I?
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THAT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT.
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LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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GOOGLE "YOUNG ASIAN GIRL PLAYS
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HIDE-AND-SEEK."
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>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
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HERE I COME.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> ACCORDING TO MY UNCLE, THE
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ASIANS HE LOOKED FOR IN 'NAM,
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NOT THIS EASY TO FIND.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I WANT TO PLAY.
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I'M IT.
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>> ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO
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MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI,
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READY OR NOT, HERE I COME.
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>> LING-LING.
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WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?
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LING-LING!
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LING-LING, WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?
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LING-LING!
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THERE YOU ARE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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YOU'RE A GOOD HIDER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THANK GOODNESS I FOUND HER
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BECAUSE DADDY NEEDS A NEW PAIR
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OF SHOES AND GOOD HELP IS HARD
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TO FIND FOR UNDER FIVE CENTS A
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DAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT'S ALRIGHT.
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THAT'S OKAY.
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I'M GOING TO WIN YOU BACK
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BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME.
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IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.
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>> IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.
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>> THAT'S A PEPSI.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS
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HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES
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AND PEOPLE WHO STAND ON GLASS
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TABLES SHOULDN'T BE CHUNKY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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BESIDES, IKEA WARNS THEIR TABLES
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ARE NOT MEANT FOR PERCOLATING.
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IT SAYS IT RIGHT ON THE BOX.
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IT SAYS, "DO NOT PERCOLATE."
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BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GET UP
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THERE AND START PERCOLATING.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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GET A REBOUND.
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NOT ONE PERSON CRASHED THE
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BOARDS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT.
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LET'S RESET THE SHOT CLOCK AND
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TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THIS KID
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DUNKED HIMSELF IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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**
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[APPLAUSE]
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YOU NEVER SEE RICH PEOPLE WITH
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TRAMPOLINES.
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IT'S LIKE AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.
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IT'S JUST NOT AN UPSCALE PIECE
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OF LAWN FURNITURE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HEY, AT LEAST THEY SPRUNG FOR
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THE SAFETY NET.
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WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
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WELL, HERE'S ONE THING: THESE
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KIDS COULD START DOUBLE-BOUNCING
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THE [BLEEP] OUT OF EACH OTHER.
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW
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WHAT A DOUBLE BOUNCE IS, IT'S
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THE TRAMPOLINE EQUIVALENT OF A
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SPEEDBALL.
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW
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WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS, IT'S WHAT
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KILLED JOHN BELUSHI.
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[LAUGHTER]
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW
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WHO JOHN BELUSHI IS, HE'S JIM
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BELUSHI'S BROTHER.
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW
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WHO JIM IS, HE'S THE GUY FROM
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"ACCORDING TO JIM."
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T
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WATCH "ACCORDING TO JIM,"
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CONGRATULATIONS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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OH, WOW IS HE UP THERE.
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SOMEBODY JUST CAUGHT FIRE NBA
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JAM STYLE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SAVOR THE MOMENT, SCOTTY SKILES,
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'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TO TURN SOUR.
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THAT'S A TECHNICAL FOUL.
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GET OFF THE RIM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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YEAH.
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SUCK IT, VINCE CARTER.
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DANGLING BY YOUR ELBOW, DOESN'T
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SEEM LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL
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ANYMORE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> HMM.
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IT HURTS TO HEAR.
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THIS IS WHERE HE AND HIS TORN
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ACL COULD LEARN A LESSON FROM
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SASCHA.
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JUST DISTRIBUTE THE BALL, SET
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SOME SCREENS, AND DRAW DEFENDERS
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OUT OF THE LANE SO REAL PLAYERS
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CAN PUT ON THE SHOW.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AND WHY IS HE CRYING LIKE NANCY
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KERRIGAN?
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[LAUGHTER]
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YOU'RE WHITE.
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YOU DON'T GET TO DUNK.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AND I HATE TO POINT THIS OUT,
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BUT THE BLACK GUY'S RUNNING
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AWAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[APPLAUSE]
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AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?
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NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM
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A BLACK GUY STANDING OVER A
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CRYING WHITE KID.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AH, AT LEAST THE CAMERA GUY WAS
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ABLE TO STOP LAUGHING LONG
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ENOUGH TO PUT THIS SPORTSCENTER
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HIGHLIGHT ONLINE, AND FOR THAT,
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WE THANK YOU.
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[APPLAUSE]
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
239
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BACKYARD WRESTLER'S WEB
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REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, IN HONOR
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OF MILEY CYRUS TRAGICALLY
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DELETING HER TWITTER ACCOUNT,
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HERE'S OLD LEE READING SOME OF
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HER FINAL TWEETS.
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>> NIGHT WILL FOLLOW DAY, SURE
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AS THE SUN AND MOON.
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REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH
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YOU.
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JUST FOLD YOUR HANDS AND PRAY
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AND I AM BESIDE YOU.
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[LAUGHTER]
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REGARDING MY LAST TWEET.
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YES, IT WAS ABOUT A BOY.
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THE ONE WHO NEVER LETS ME DOWN.
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THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES ME
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SMILE.
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MY PAPPY.
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[APPLAUSE]
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>> OLD, SCHOOL, BABY.
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THAT'S GOT TO BE PAIN.
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HE WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME OUT
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THERE.
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>> IT'S HARDCORE MAT.
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>> I'M GOING PARTYING WITH THIS
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MAN LATER.
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ME AN THIS GUY.
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WE'RE GETTING -- WITH HOOKERS.
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THERE HE GOES.
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MY GOD!
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>> OH MY.
271
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:49,097
I HOPE THEY WERE STILL ABLE TO
272
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,870
GO OUT AND [BLEEP] HOOKERS.
273
00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:54,927
[LAUGHTER]
274
00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:55,903
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT URINE
275
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:56,670
SOAKED MATTRESS PROVIDED ENOUGH
276
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:58,697
CUSHION.
277
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:02,430
HAD IT BEEN A TEMPUR-PEDIC, HE
278
00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:03,173
COULD'VE PULLED THAT MOVE OFF
279
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:03,867
AND NOT SPILLED HIS GLASS OF
280
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:04,367
WINE.
281
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:05,767
[LAUGHTER]
282
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:06,927
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT
283
00:09:06,933 --> 00:09:08,873
WRESTLING'S FAKE.
284
00:09:08,867 --> 00:09:09,527
FAKE MY ASS.
285
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:10,233
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SERGEANT
286
00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:11,373
SLAUGHTER'S NOT A REAL SERGEANT?
287
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:12,697
[LAUGHTER]
288
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,330
MR. PERFECT'S NOT REALLY
289
00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:14,073
PERFECT?
290
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:14,667
RAVISHING RICK RUDE ISN'T
291
00:09:14,667 --> 00:09:16,067
RAVISHING?
292
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:16,727
BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW HE
293
00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:19,403
IS.
294
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,130
THERE'S NOT A WOMAN IN THE WORLD
295
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,433
THAT WOULDN'T LOVE TO GET
296
00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:22,173
PLUCKED OUT OF THE AUDIENCE AND
297
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:23,597
BE FRENCHED BY THIS GUY.
298
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,630
I LOVE WRESTLING AND NOT THAT
299
00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:26,073
HORRIBLE OLYMPICS [BLEEP].
300
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,797
REAL WRESTLING.
301
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,630
IT'S ABOUT SHOWMANSHIP AND
302
00:09:29,633 --> 00:09:31,073
TIGHTS.
303
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:32,067
IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH JUST TO BE
304
00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:33,127
A GREAT TECHNICIAN.
305
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:34,103
IF IT WERE, THEN ARN ANDERSON
306
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:34,730
WOULD BE THE MOST FAMOUS
307
00:09:34,733 --> 00:09:35,333
WRESTLER IN THE WORLD.
308
00:09:35,333 --> 00:09:35,873
YEAH.
309
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:36,327
THAT'S RIGHT.
310
00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:38,333
ARN ANDERSON.
311
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:38,973
I'M CALLING YOU OUT, ARN
312
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,067
ANDERSON!
313
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:41,797
ON THE OTHER HAND, LOOK AT THE
314
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,330
HULKSTER.
315
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,103
HE GOT A MILLION HULKAMANIACS TO
316
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:45,830
TRAIN, SAY THEIR PRAYERS, AND
317
00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:46,633
EAT THEIR VITAMINS.
318
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:47,403
THEY DIDN'T DO IT BECAUSE OF HIS
319
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,300
LEG DROP.
320
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,930
THEY DID IT BECAUSE HULK
321
00:09:52,933 --> 00:09:53,673
LISTENED TO HIS AUDIENCE, MOSTLY
322
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:54,967
BY DOING THIS.
323
00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:58,227
[LAUGHTER]
324
00:09:58,233 --> 00:09:59,073
UNFORTUNATELY, THE HULKSTER GAVE
325
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,797
US BROOKE HOGAN.
326
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,970
AND WHILE I'M NOT SURE WHAT
327
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:03,927
GENDER SHE IS, I THINK IT'S TIME
328
00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:07,173
HOGAN MADE A DECISION.
329
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:08,827
POINT IS, PRO WRESTLING INSPIRES
330
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:11,673
PEOPLE TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS.
331
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,167
SO WE CUT THE GRASS, IGNORED THE
332
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,267
LAWYERS AND FLEW THE BACKYARD
333
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:16,427
WRESTLING KID OUT TO THE TOSH.0
334
00:10:16,433 --> 00:10:17,673
YARD, TO SEE IF HE WAS UP FOR
335
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:18,397
THE REMATCH IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
336
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,000
REDEMPTION.
337
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:28,330
[APPLAUSE]
338
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:31,073
>> WHOA!
339
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:33,097
>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
340
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,470
WRESTLING?
341
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:34,667
>> PROBABLY ABOUT TWO YEARS.
342
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:35,967
>> DID YOU REALLY GET HURT IN.
343
00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:37,997
>> A LITTLE BIT.
344
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,500
>> DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?
345
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,630
>> NO, NO HOSPITAL.
346
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:43,233
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT FOR
347
00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:44,133
NECK INJURIES.
348
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,703
IS WRESTLING A FAKE?
349
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:47,530
>> I CAN'T ANSWER THAT.
350
00:10:47,533 --> 00:10:48,703
>> YOUR MOVE WAS REAL?
351
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,400
>> YEAH.
352
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,270
THAT IS AN ACTUAL MOVE AND TAKES
353
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:52,997
LOTS OF PRACTICE.
354
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,030
>> DID YOU PRACTICE IT?
355
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:54,673
>> NO.
356
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:55,927
THAT WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.
357
00:10:55,933 --> 00:10:57,233
>> FIRST ATTEMPT?
358
00:10:57,233 --> 00:10:57,773
>> YEAH.
359
00:10:57,767 --> 00:11:00,667
>> HAVE YOU DONE THAT MOVE SINCE
360
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:01,267
THAT DAY?
361
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,197
>> I HAVE NOT.
362
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,430
>> BEFORE YOUR MATCH, WE NEED TO
363
00:11:03,433 --> 00:11:04,573
FOCUS ON TRAINING.
364
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:06,427
>> ALL RIGHT.
365
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:06,873
LET'S DO IT.
366
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:11,527
>> DONE.
367
00:11:11,533 --> 00:11:13,073
>> OH!
368
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:13,497
>> BREATHE IN.
369
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:13,830
>> YEAH.
370
00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:15,173
[LAUGHTER]
371
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:17,967
[APPLAUSE]
372
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:19,167
>> FIRST THING I'M GOING TO SHOW
373
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,597
YOU IS A SLAP.
374
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,130
I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU HIKE THIS
375
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,373
AND FLIP YOU OVER.
376
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:24,767
BODY SLAM.
377
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,067
>> BODY SLAM?
378
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:27,067
>> THIS IS THE ONE EVERYBODY
379
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:29,397
LIKES TO DO.
380
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,330
>> OKAY.
381
00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:32,433
COME IN.
382
00:11:32,433 --> 00:11:33,073
>> WHOA!
383
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,367
>> PUT MY MIC DOWN.
384
00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:35,297
>> REMEMBER THAT MOVE?
385
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:36,270
>> OH, YEAH.
386
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:37,267
>> I REMEMBER THAT MOVE.
387
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,627
LET'S GO OVER THAT.
388
00:11:38,633 --> 00:11:40,073
>> I'LL SHOW YOU.
389
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:44,067
DO YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM?
390
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:44,927
>> WHOA!
391
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:45,233
ARGH.
392
00:11:45,233 --> 00:11:46,333
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
393
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,873
>> YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE
394
00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:49,567
WRESTLER WAS?
395
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,467
>> RAVISHING RICK RUDE.
396
00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:52,367
>> THERE IT IS.
397
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:54,827
LET'S ALL DO IT.
398
00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:57,233
LET'S GO TOGETHER.
399
00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:59,673
SCORPIO SAYS SO MUCH.
400
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:01,367
>> GOOD LUCK.
401
00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:03,127
>> ALL RIGHT.
402
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,403
OH!
403
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,070
>> HI, THIS IS DANIEL TOSH
404
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:10,067
REPORTING LIVE.
405
00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,067
READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT?
406
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,197
>> HECK YEAH.
407
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,330
READY, GO.
408
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:16,273
BACK TO YOU, BRODY STEPHENS.
409
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,697
>> THANK YOU.
410
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,200
BRODY STEPHENS REPORTING TO YOU
411
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,130
LIVE FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW.
412
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:23,903
IN THE RED CORNER, THE PARTY
413
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,100
STARTER WEBBER.
414
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,370
OUT OF THE BLUE CORNER, FROM
415
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:37,427
PARTS UNKNOWN, PROBABLY MEXICO,
416
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:38,203
PUNT
417
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:38,970
PUNT
418
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:39,427
PUNTITO DIABLO.
419
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:40,073
>> YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
420
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:42,067
THAT'S A WARNING, DIABLO.
421
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:43,527
LET'S GET IT ON!
422
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:47,073
>> WE'RE UNDERWAY.
423
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,297
THEY'RE WRESTLING.
424
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,330
PUNTITO IN THE ROPES.
425
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:54,073
HE GETS AN AX HANDLE IN THE JAW.
426
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:56,267
HE ACTUALLY GOT AIR.
427
00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:59,597
THERE'S A CHAIR IN THE RING.
428
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:03,270
OH, MY GOSH, THE REFEREE IS OUT
429
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:03,567
COLD.
430
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:05,227
WE NEED AN ICE PACK.
431
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:08,173
A SHOT TO THE FACE ON THE LITTLE
432
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:08,427
GUY.
433
00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:10,073
HE'S STUNNED.
434
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,227
LEE PICKS HIM UP FOR A HUGE
435
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:12,533
SLAM.
436
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,503
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
437
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:18,530
LEE IS ATTEMPTING TO DO A SECOND
438
00:13:18,533 --> 00:13:19,073
MOVE.
439
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,267
PEOPLE, THIS CONTINUE ONLY END
440
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,327
IN DISASTER.
441
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:24,333
I WISH I COULD TELL HIM TO STOP
442
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:28,503
IT, PLEASE.
443
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:35,500
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.
444
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,600
>> LEE GOES IN FOR THE PIN,
445
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:46,370
HOOKS A LEG.
446
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,397
IT'S OVER.
447
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,130
LEE WINS!
448
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:49,803
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR
449
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:50,230
BACK YARD?
450
00:13:50,233 --> 00:13:51,333
WE MAKE CHAMPIONS IN HIS BACK
451
00:13:51,333 --> 00:13:51,633
YARD.
452
00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:54,533
[APPLAUSE]
453
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:55,273
>> FYI, I'M STILL WEARING THE
454
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,627
SINGLET.
455
00:13:56,633 --> 00:13:58,133
[LAUGHTER]
456
00:13:58,133 --> 00:13:59,773
IT FEELS RIGHT.
457
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:01,197
[LAUGHTER]
458
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,600
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR
459
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,070
BRAND NEW FETISH, BUT FIRST,
460
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:05,797
HERE'S YOUR TOSH.0 TOILET BASED
461
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:14,500
PRANK OF THE WEEK.
462
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:14,870
[KNOCKING]
463
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:15,427
>> WHAT DO YOU NEED?
464
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:19,403
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
465
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,870
>> I'M -- [BLEEP].
466
00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:24,397
>> THIS ONE IS COLD.
467
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:24,770
[LAUGHTER]
468
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:34,867
[APPLAUSE]
469
00:14:34,867 --> 00:14:36,367
[LAUGHTER]
470
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:38,497
[APPLAUSE]
471
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:39,200
>> DON'T LAUGH.
472
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,900
THAT'S HOW 2PAC WAS KILLED.
473
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,630
[LAUGHTER]
474
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:44,933
EVERYONE KNOWS DROPPING A MENTOS
475
00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:46,273
INTO DIET COKE TURNS THE BOTTLE
476
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:50,397
INTO A NERD-SEEKING MISSILE, BUT
477
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,930
WHAT IF YOU WERE TO CHUG TWO
478
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:57,573
LITERS AND EAT A MENTOS?
479
00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:02,567
[LAUGHTER]
480
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:07,167
>> OOH!
481
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:13,927
>> DANIEL, IT'S NOT GOING TO
482
00:15:13,933 --> 00:15:14,233
WORK.
483
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:31,933
[LAUGHTER]
484
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:42,333
[LAUGHTER]
485
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,573
>> IT'S REALLY WEIRD THAT SHE
486
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,497
DIDN'T STEP OUT OF THE WAY.
487
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,400
[LAUGHTER]
488
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,270
ALRIGHT.
489
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:51,567
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
490
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:54,227
>> AA, OEW.
491
00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:54,973
YOU SEE SOMEONE CLEANING THEIR
492
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:57,067
EAR WITH A Q-TIP.
493
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:57,767
I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE
494
00:15:57,767 --> 00:16:00,197
LOTS, AND LOTS OF MONEY.
495
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,300
THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN
496
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:02,070
WATCHING SOMEONE SCRAPE WAX OUT
497
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:03,867
OF THEIR EARS.
498
00:16:03,867 --> 00:16:04,597
THERE'S ALL KINDS OF FETISHES
499
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,830
OUT THERE.
500
00:16:05,833 --> 00:16:07,803
THERE'S FOOT FETISHES, TICKLE
501
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,730
FETISHES, BUT NO ONE HAS
502
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:09,973
CORNERED THE MARKET ON Q-TIP,
503
00:16:09,967 --> 00:16:13,497
UNTIL NOW.
504
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:16,230
I WENT TO ADULTCON, LA'S SECOND
505
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:16,903
LARGEST PORN CONVENTION, TO
506
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,700
CLEAN SOME EARS.
507
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:21,730
>> HI.
508
00:16:21,733 --> 00:16:24,273
WE'RE HERE AT ADULTCON.
509
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,267
LIKE MOST OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS,
510
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:27,827
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER.
511
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:30,233
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF
512
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:30,603
Q-TIPPING?
513
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,730
>> CLEANING YOUR EARS?
514
00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:33,603
>> YEAH.
515
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,100
IT'S MY NEW FETISH.
516
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,870
>> DO YOU USE Q-TIPS?
517
00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:38,367
>> YEAH.
518
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:39,167
WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
519
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:40,427
>> DUSTING YOUR COMPUTER.
520
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,733
>> I'M A WATCHER.
521
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:45,203
>> HOW MANY Q-TIPS DO YOU THINK
522
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,070
YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR EAR?
523
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,367
>> MAYBE FIVE.
524
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:50,897
>> THAT SOUNDS SO SEXY.
525
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,170
THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON THE
526
00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:55,067
PLANET HAS TO BE THE FOOD COURT
527
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,197
AT ADULTCON.
528
00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:01,800
WHO COMES HERE FOR THE -- FOOD
529
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,870
COURT?
530
00:17:04,867 --> 00:17:05,597
[FOREIGN LANGUAGE].
531
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,230
>> WELL, NOT WHAT YOU'RE
532
00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:07,603
THINKING.
533
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,200
>> HOW DID THAT FEEL?
534
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,670
>> I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
535
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:15,397
>> IT WAS A ONE-TIME DEAL.
536
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,500
>> I'LL TAKE THAT.
537
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,400
PASS THAT ON TO YOU.
538
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,570
>> IS THIS LIKE A DNA SAMPLE?
539
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:20,127
>> YES.
540
00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:22,703
WE'RE SERVING A WARRANT FOR YOU.
541
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:23,100
ALL RIGHT.
542
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,230
I'VE INTRODUCED Q-TIPPING TO THE
543
00:17:25,233 --> 00:17:25,573
WORLD.
544
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,927
HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR IT.
545
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:28,733
I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND TAKE A
546
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:30,803
BATH IN PURELL AND KEROSENE AND
547
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,630
THEN I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.
548
00:17:32,633 --> 00:17:33,203
[LAUGHTER]
549
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,700
[APPLAUSE]
550
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:38,530
>> GREAT.
551
00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:39,573
NOW ALL OF MY Q-TIPS HAVE AIDS.
552
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:41,597
[LAUGHTER]
553
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:42,400
BUT AT LEAST I GOT SOME GREAT
554
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,830
IDEAS FOR MY NEW WEBSITE,
555
00:17:43,833 --> 00:17:49,833
QTIPPING.COM.
556
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:54,303
>> CHECK OUT QTIPPING.COM.
557
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:58,370
WE HAVE DOUBLE PENETRATION
558
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,567
QTIPS, EAR TO MOUTH AND OF
559
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:09,697
COURSE, LUBE COTTON.
560
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:10,270
>> GO TO OUR WEBSITE
561
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:10,927
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO
562
00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:11,673
SUBMIT ANYTHING Q-TIP RELATED.
563
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:12,397
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD
564
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,130
YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO
565
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:13,903
BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.
566
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:17,730
THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS
567
00:18:17,733 --> 00:18:23,303
GOODNEIGHBORSTUFF.COM.
568
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,130
>> OH!
569
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:28,103
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
570
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:28,800
I'M SORRY.
571
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,530
>> GUYS --
572
00:18:30,533 --> 00:18:31,073
>> YEAH.
573
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:32,727
>> THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON
574
00:18:32,733 --> 00:18:33,173
THERE, DUDE.
575
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:35,427
>> WE WERE TRYING TO HAVE FUN.
576
00:18:35,433 --> 00:18:35,773
SORRY.
577
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:37,797
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
578
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,900
I WAS SUPPOSED TO CHECK ON MY
579
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,070
E-MAILS BUT THIS CAME UP.
580
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:43,567
>> REALLY?
581
00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:47,067
>> YEAH, OF COURSE, MAN.
582
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:47,397
OH!
583
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,670
>> WHAT IS THIS, LIKE FUNGI
584
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:51,467
SOMETHING?
585
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:52,827
>> YEAH.
586
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:55,973
>> THAT'S WEIRD.
587
00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:56,767
>> OH!
588
00:18:56,767 --> 00:19:00,897
>> HEY, MAN IF YOU -- ARE YOU
589
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:01,230
GAME?
590
00:19:01,233 --> 00:19:02,103
>> I'M GAME.
591
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:02,830
YOU KNOW THAT.
592
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:04,933
>> WHO ARE THESE GUYS, MAN?
593
00:19:04,933 --> 00:19:05,673
>> THIS IS AWFUL.
594
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,527
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?
595
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:08,473
IF YOU COULD TELL ME.
596
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:12,227
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?
597
00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:12,533
WHAT?
598
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:13,273
[LAUGHTER]
599
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:14,527
>> THANKS GUYS.
600
00:19:14,533 --> 00:19:15,433
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
601
00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:16,173
"KROD MANDOON AND THE FLAMING
602
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:22,797
SWORD OF FIRE."
603
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:28,100
[APPLAUSE]
604
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:31,800
>> WELCOME BACK.
605
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,370
THAT ENERGY IS AUTHENTIC.
606
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,097
[LAUGHTER]
607
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,770
LAST WEEK I SHOWED YOU MY
608
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,597
INAPPROPRIATE MACHO MAN RANDY
609
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,400
SAVAGE IMPRESSIONS AND ASKED YOU
610
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,530
TO SEND IN SOME OF YOUR OWN.
611
00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:46,673
WELL, HERE'S OUR FAVORITE.
612
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:48,427
>> I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF
613
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:52,473
PRESSURE.
614
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,267
>> THIS GUY IS GOING TO FEEL IT
615
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:56,067
IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT WHEN
616
00:19:56,067 --> 00:20:00,567
THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE DOES
617
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:00,827
IT.
618
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:01,203
OH, YEAH!
619
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,730
>> OH YEAH!
620
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:05,433
BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK
621
00:20:05,433 --> 00:20:06,173
WHEN WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS
622
00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:18,997
FAN A WEB REDEMPTION.
623
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:19,400
[INAUDIBLE]
624
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:20,130
>> THIS IS WHY YOU STOP NURSING
625
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:20,803
YOUR KIDS AFTER SIX MONTHS.
626
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:21,500
[LAUGHTER]
627
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:22,230
BEFORE WE GO, A MESSAGE TO YOU
628
00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:24,033
GAMERS OUT THERE.
629
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:26,973
PLAYING THE WII IS NOT EXERCISE.
630
00:20:26,967 --> 00:20:28,467
AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY DROP
631
00:20:28,467 --> 00:20:30,297
THE PRICE, IT'S STILL NOT GOING
632
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:31,270
TO OFFSET THE MEDICAL BILLS OR
633
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:31,927
THE ELECTRONICS YOU DESTROY
634
00:20:31,933 --> 00:20:33,473
WHILE PLAYING IT.
635
00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:40,127
[LAUGHTER]
636
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:45,973
>> OH!
637
00:20:52,833 --> 00:21:05,103
[LAUGHTER]
638
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:05,430
>> OOH!
639
00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:06,603
[LAUGHTER]
640
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,130
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
641
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:09,173
GOODNIGHT!
38238
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