Original subtitles

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- PLEASE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OBNOXIOUS.

EASY, TOBEY MAGUIRE.

IT WAS JUST A MOVIE.

I'D BE MORE IMPRESSED IF IT

DIDN'T LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN A

BALLET CLASS.

BUT KEEP TRYING.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COMEDY CENTRAL'S DIRTY LITTLE

SECRET.

TODAY WE GIVE THE SKATEBOARD

GIRL A WEB REDEMPTION.

YOUR POPCORN RESPONSE VIDEOS ARE

IN.

AND NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN TOSH.0

FOOTAGE.

AS OPPOSED TO THE NEXT HALF

HOUR, WHICH IS ALSO

NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT HOW

THAT GUY ON THE WALL'S DOING.

- [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

WE CAN DO ANYTHING WITH A

COMPUTER.

BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT UP TO

CODE.

YOU NEED A STUD EVERY 16 INCHES.

THAT'S JUST SHODDY WORKMANSHIP.

TECHNICALLY, YOU CAN GO EVERY 24

INCHES, BUT THAT WON'T GET

PERMITTED.

I LEARNED THAT ON RENOVATION

REALITIES...

IN HD.

WHICH BOTHERS ME THAT COMEDY

CENTRAL ISN'T IN HD IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

LET'S GO, TIME WARNER.

I WANT MY NEIGHBOR TO SEE ALL MY

PORES.

ALL RIGHT, THE NEXT VIDEO'S A

GREAT EXAMPLE OF WHY CROWD

SURFING IS FOR EVERYONE.

[CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

I DON'T WANT TO.

I FEEL HANDICAPPED HERE.

BUT LET'S SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS

WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

TECHNICALLY, THAT'S CROWD

SKATING.

DON'T DROP HIM.

HIS ARMS STILL WORK.

I MISS BEACH BALLS.

TREAT HIM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND

STEAL THE RIMS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S SO

WORRIED.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GONNA GET

RE-PARALYZED.

GREAT TURNOUT.

STANDING ROOM ONLY.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

THIS GUY PUTS THE ROLL IN ROCK

AND ROLL.

OKAY.

BEFORE WE PLAY THIS NEXT CLIP, I

HAVE TO TALK TO A CERTAIN FEW

PEOPLE AT HOME.

WE SHOW A LOT OF PEOPLE DOING

STUPID, DANGEROUS THINGS.

DON'T DO THEM.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

WE DON'T DO THEM USUALLY.

WE JUST FIND THEM, WATCH THEM,

AND LAUGH AT THEM.

GOT IT?

DON'T BE A TOOL.

AGAIN, DO NOT DO THIS.

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "GUESS WHAT

HAPPENS NEXT?"

ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE AN ASIAN KID

WEARING SKINNY JEANS SITTING IN

A VULNERABLE POSITION.

I LOVE IT SO FAR.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

IF YOU GUESSED THAT HE WAS GOING

TO POUR LIQUID ALL OVER HIS

CROTCH, THEN YOU'RE DOING BETTER

THAN ME.

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

[BLEEP]

I THOUGHT ASIANS WERE BRIGHT.

DID YOU GUESS THAT THE LIQUID

WAS LIGHTER FLUID AND HE WOULD

SET HIS JUNK AFLAME?

WELL, THEN YOU'RE TWO FOR TWO.

AND GUESSING WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

SHOULD BE A BREEZE.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU GUESSED HIS THREE FRIENDS

WERE GONNA USE HIS CROTCH TO

SHOOT THEIR FILM, STOMP THE

NARD, THEN YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE A

WIZARD.

BUT THE JOKE'S ON THEM.

BECAUSE BEFORE HE LIT HIS NUTS

ON FIRE, HE FILLED THEM WITH

POOP.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY "GUESS

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

BY THE WAY, DO NOT DO THAT AT

HOME.

DON'T DO IT.

DON'T DO IT.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU LOVE EXTREME

SPORTS AND YOU LOVE BABIES, THEN

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A TRIP

TO INDIA.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

OKAY, I'M TOLD THEY DO THIS FOR

GOOD LUCK.

AND DON'T WORRY, THE KIDS LOVE

IT.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE TEARS OF JOY.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?

IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THEIR FOOD.

UGH, YOU CAN'T GET THAT SMELL

OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES.

IT'S THE CURRY.

IT DOESN'T LOOK THAT SCARY.

OH, YOU PEOPLE ARE [BLEEP]

CRAZY!

THE FALL WAS KIND OF FUN.

IT'S THE SHAKING I HAVE A

PROBLEM WITH.

YOU CAN'T SHAKE CHILDREN, UNLESS

THEY'RE CRYING AND SITTING

BEHIND ME ON A PLANE.

THEN SHAKE HIM TILL HE SLEEPS.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

- OH, WALLY.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

[LAUGHS]

NO, NO.

- GOOD BOY.

GOOD BOY.

GOOD BOY.

HEY, AT LEAST IT WASN'T A BLACK

LAB.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

WHAT?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD SHOW UP ON

HER OUTFIT MORE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NOT WHAT CESAR MILLAN

MEANS BY CALM SUBMISSIVE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CRIME

OF PASSION THRUST BY THRUST IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME HERE, BOY.

OH, YOU GOT TO ADMIRE HIS

CONFIDENCE.

GRAMS IS PLAYING HARD TO GET,

BUT HE TRIES TO GIVE IT TO HER

STANDING UP ANYWAY.

WALLY ISN'T MUCH FOR FOREPLAY.

GEEZ, LET HER PULL DOWN HER

DEPENDS FIRST.

AND DOWN GOES NANA...

IN THE ABSOLUTE WORST POSITION.

I TAUGHT HIM THAT ONE.

IT'S CALLED "WARMING UP THE

OVEN".

HE'S GONNA MAKE HIS FRIENDS

SMELL THAT PAW FOR THE NEXT

COUPLE OF WEEKS.

IT'S BEEN 27 YEARS SINCE MEE-MAW

TOOK A LOVER, BUT SHE HASN'T

LOST A STEP.

IT'S LIKE RIDING A BIKE, FROM

BEHIND.

AND LOOK AT GERTRUDE LAUGHING IT

UP.

DIRTY, DIRTY TRAMP.

SHE LOVES TO WATCH.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S

HITTING THAT GOLDEN GIRL RAW.

SHE'S LUCKY.

THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL DOG.

AND SUCH A GENTLEMAN.

FINDING A PARTNER WHO LIKES TO

CUDDLE IS RARE.

SOMEONE FETCH GRANNY A

CIGARETTE.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GIVE A

MILK-BONE TO THE BESTIALITY FAN

WHO KEPT THE CAMERA ROLLING

THROUGH THE ENTIRE RAPE SESSION

AND POSTED IT ONLINE.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

SKATEBOARD GIRL'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

BUT FIRST HERE'S WHY THE SECOND

AMENDMENT IS SO MOTHER[BLEEP]

SWEET.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- HERE WE GO.

- [INDISTINCT]

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- GO.

- [BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

- GO, BAILEY, GO.

GO, BAILEY, GO.

YOU CAN DO IT.

DON'T FALL.

DON'T FALL.

[AUDIENCE OHHS]

- SHE SAID DON'T FALL.

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING AT ALL.

SHE'LL BE FINE.

YOU CAN STILL BE A SUCCESS WITH

A BUSTED FACE.

JUST ASK JULIA STILES.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

A LITTLE TIP, YOU SHOULDN'T

SKATEBOARD WITH FLIP-FLOPS.

YOU ALSO SHOULDN'T SKATEBOARD

WHEN YOU SUCK AT SKATEBOARDING.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO POINT OUT

THAT SHE DIDN'T FALL BECAUSE

SHE'S A GIRL.

WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING MEN CAN

DO, EXCEPT MATH, CHESS, RUNNING,

JUMPING, LIFTING STUFF, FIXING

THINGS, MAKING MONEY, HOCKEY,

SURFING, DRIVING, MAKING

DECISIONS, BEING TALL, TAKING

OUT THE GARBAGE, TIPPING,

FISHING, BEING FUNNY ON PURPOSE,

REAPING A MAP, LISTENING TO GOOD

BANDS, WRITING, RUNNING THE

COUNTRY, INVENTING ANYTHING

IMPORTANT, OR BEING FUN TO HANG

OUT WITH.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE

WOMEN.

I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD DRINK

FROM A SEPARATE WATER FOUNTAIN.

OKAY, ACTUALLY WOMEN MAY BE EVEN

BETTER THAN MEN, BUT WE'LL NEVER

REALLY KNOW SINCE THEY'RE

SWINGING AT BIGGER BALLS,

PLAYING FROM CLOSER TEES, DOING

PUSH-UPS FROM THEIR KNEES,

TAKING HALF THE BEATLE'S MONEY.

BITCHES, PLEASE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

BUT ONE THING WE CAN ALL AGREE

ON IS THAT WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF

AMAZING THINGS.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

- YEAH!

- SO WHEN I SAW BAILEY FAIL TO

BREAK THROUGH HER OWN PERSONAL

GLASS CEILING, I BROUGHT HER OUT

TO L.A.

TO GET HER BACK ON THAT BOARD IN

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BAILEY!

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I'M COMING!

OH!

[BLEEP] BITCH.

SORRY I'M LATE.

I HEELIED HERE.

HI, BAILEY.

- HI.

- THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.

- NO PROBLEM.

- YOUR FACE IS A LOT PRETTIER

THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

- THANKS.

- AND YOU HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH.

- YEAH.

- USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE FALL TO

THEIR FACE, THEIR FIRST INSTINCT

IS TO PUT THEIR HANDS DOWN.

AND YOU WENT FOR MORE OF A

NESTEA PLUNGE.

- I PLAY VOLLEYBALL, SO I'M--I

PLAY--

I FALL ALL THE TIME.

- YOU'RE USED TO DIVING.

- I DIVE, YEAH.

- HAVE YOU SKATEBOARDED SINCE?

- EASY ANSWER, NO.

- THAT WAS YOUR LAST RIDE?

- YEAH.

- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE EXCITING.

WHAT A BETTER TIME THAN ON

TELEVISION WITH ZERO PRESSURE?

WHO UPLOADED THAT VIDEO?

- EITHER ALEX OR TAYLOR.

- ARE YOU THINKING OF PRESSING

CHARGES?

- NO.

THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, SO, I MEAN--

IT GOT ME HERE.

- YEAH, YOU'VE MADE IT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT YOUR

WEB REDEMPTION SHOULD BE?

INSTEAD OF SKATEBOARDING, IT WAS

I GIVE YOU A COUPLE HUNDRED

DOLLARS AND TELL YOU TO GO TO A

MALL LIKE A NORMAL 17-YEAR-OLD

GIRL.

- [CHUCKLES]

- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE CLEARLY

DRESSED FOR THIS, AND I THINK

IT'S TIME WE GET YOU ON A

SKATEBOARD.

OKAY, BAILEY, THIS IS PART OF

YOUR TRAINING.

FIRST, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOSE

YOUR ORIGINAL BOARD.

I APPRECIATE YOU BRINGING IT OUT

HERE, BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET

KILLED ON THAT THING.

THIS OUTFIT ACTUALLY DOES FEEL

GOOD FOR SKATEBOARDING.

THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT

SKATEBOARDING'S ABOUT.

WHOA.

A LITTLE SPEED WOBBLE THERE.

[LAUGHS]

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.

THREE HOURS ON HERE IS THE

APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF CARDIO.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, KEEP IT GOING.

MY FRIEND, CHRIS FAIRBANKS,

GREAT COMEDIAN ALSO THINKS HE'S

A GREAT SKATEBOARDER.

I'M GONNA HAVE HIM TRY TO OLLIE

KICKFLIP ON THIS AT A HIGH

SPEED.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ALMOST MADE IT.

- WALK IT OFF.

- BAILEY, I WANT YOU TO MEET

LYN-Z, THREE-TIME GOLD X

CHAMPION.

- HI.

- VERT SKATER.

I NEED, LYN-Z, YOU JUST TO GIVE

HER SOME ADVICE FOR BOMBING A

BIG HILL.

- KEEP YOUR WEIGHT REALLY

CENTERED AND JUST STAY REALLY

SOLID.

- I THINK, BAILEY--

I THINK--

OH, YOU'RE IN GREAT HANDS.

THIS IS GONNA BE FLAWLESS.

WELCOME TO DEVIL'S BACKBONE.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

[LAUGHS]

NO, I'M KIDDING.

IT'D BE AWESOME IF YOU WENT FOR

IT THOUGH.

OKAY, BAILEY, I THINK THIS IS A

MORE MANAGEABLE HILL FOR YOU.

- I THINK SO.

- ARE YOU NERVOUS?

- YEAH, A LITTLE.

- WELL, WE HAVE YOUR FATHER

HERE.

HE'S WAITING AT THE FINISH LINE.

GIVE HIM A WAVE.

- HEY, DAD.

- YEAH.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN

HAPPEN?

- I DON'T THINK ANYTHING COULD.

- WELL, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT?

- I THINK SO.

- YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

I KNOW IT.

GIVE YOU A LITTLE PUSH.

- OKAY.

WHEE.

- SKATEBOARDING.

LOOK AT HER GO.

OUI, OUI, PARIS.

THE GREAT WALL.

THE BIG APPLE, YA [BLEEP].

- WOW, THIS IS SO COOL.

- FRISCO.

- WHOO!

OH, MY GOD!

- THE TOUR DE FRANCE.

PETER GALLAGHER'S EYEBROW.

- JUST STAY CENTERED.

YEAH!

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

THANK YOU.

- KATIE COURIC'S COLON.

- BAILEY, GO TO YOUR FATHER.

GO TO YOUR FATHER.

GO TO YOUR [BLEEP] FATHER.

- CATCH ME, CATCH ME.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

WHOO!

- GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.

- YEAH.

- YAY!

YAY.

YAY.

- DAN.

- OH, SORRY.

- REDEEMED.

DO YOU EVER WONDER HOW WE PICK

PEOPLE FOR OUR WEB REDEMPTIONS?

IT'S USUALLY THE PEOPLE THAT SAY

YES.

NOW HERE'S OUR WEB REDEMPTION'S

MOST WANTED LIST.

- STOP IT! STOP IT!

[GUNSHOT]

- SHOOTS IT, AND BOOM GOES THE

DYNAMITE.

- EW!

- [GROANING]

- LED TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH.

[GAGS]

[BLEEP]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

- DON'T JUST BE SORRY.

THINK FOR ONE [BLEEP] SECOND.

[HONKING SOUND]

- AHH!

- HE'S A [BLEEP]!

HE'S A [BLEEP]!

- OH, WOW.

FOR THE RECORD, I THINK

TOURETTE'S GUY IS DEAD.

BUT IF YOU CAN HELP US WITH

ANYBODY ELSE, I'D LOVE IT.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT NEEDS A

WEB REDEMPTION, HAVE THEM

CONTACT US AT

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 AND

WE'LL GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE.

OR IN HIS CASE, A FOURTH CHANCE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR

POPCORN RESPONSE VIDEOS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MALE ANNOUNCER:

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK

OF THE WEEK.

- AH!

- [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] WHOA.

- [LAUGHS]

ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE

PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO

YOU BY BURGER KING.

- EVERYTHING LOOKS COOLER.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME CHECK MY

EMAILS - THROUGH A MOTHER[BLEEP]

FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME BREW A CUP

OF GREEN TEA WITH PEPPERMINT.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME HANG A

T-SHIRT.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME PUT ON LIP

BALM.

- THROUGH A MOTHER[BLEEP]

FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME USE HAND

SANITIZER TO PROTECT ME FROM

GERMS.

- THROUGH A MOTHER[BLEEP]

FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME REFILL A

STAPLER.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME EAT CEREAL

WITH 1% MILK.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YOU'RE WATCHING ME READ AN

OP-ED PIECE BY THOMAS FRIEDMAN.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- EVERYTHING'S COOLER.

- THROUGH A FISHEYE LENS.

- YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING.

FOR REAL?

YOU GOTTA GET A HYPE MAN.

HEY, GO TO OUR WEBSITE AND

UPLOAD YOUR OWN FISHEYE VIDEOS.

I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH THOSE,

AMERICA, AND CANADA, A WEEK

LATER.

AND SPEAKING OF HOMEWORK, LAST

WEEK WE DEBUTED MY POPCORN

CHALLENGE VIDEO, AND I ASKED YOU

TO MAKE YOUR OWN.

WELL, WE GOT A LOT OF

SUBMISSIONS.

AND I LEARNED THAT OUR FANS ARE

SEVEN.

HERE'S SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS.

- THIS IS THE POPCORN CHALLENGE.

[TECHNO MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

- YES!

- YES!

YES!

- OH, MY GOD, WE DID IT!

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

YES!

- OH, COME ON.

ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE

BEFORE.

THANKS, AND KEEP THE VIDEOS

COMING.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

WEBSITE COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0

AND UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF

THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES TO

US FROM ADAMBOBROW.COM.

- WHOO!

YEAH!

WHOO!

YES!

YES!

- OH, MY GOD.

- YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE?

[GRUNTING]

WHOO! WHOO!

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- OH, I SMELL A RALLY.

THANKS, ADAM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

WEEKENDS AT THE D.L.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- OH.

WELCOME BACK, MEAT SPINNERS.

MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR WEBSITE

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO KEEP

UP WITH OUR BLOG AND SEND US

YOUR VIDEOS.

PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND

CHECK MY TOUR SCHEDULE.

AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL

BEEN WAITING FOR, SOME

NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE.

ENJOY.

[SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

DID YOU ORDER A CODE

RED?

WHY DID THAT NOT MAKE AIR?

OH.

IF YOU CAN GUESS WHAT WE WERE

LOOKING AT, WE WILL PUT YOU ON

TELEVISION.

HEY, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE'VE

REACHED A MILESTONE.

WE ARE NEARING THE END OF

EPISODE NUMBER TEN.

SO THANK YOU TO EVERYONE, BUT

MAINLY THE EXECUTIVES AT COMEDY

CENTRAL, BECAUSE THEY HAVE

ORDERED MORE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, I KNOW.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

OKAY.

SO I THOUGHT WE'D CELEBRATE BY

TAKING A LOOK BACK AT THE

GREATEST MOMENTS FROM THE SHOW

SO FAR.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT, YOU GUYS.

I APPRECIATE IT.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]