Original subtitles

[TURKEY SOUNDS] [CLAPPING]

>> STAND DOWN TURKEYS.

STAND DOWN.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

>> TODAY WE HAVE TOMMY CHONG IN

THE WEED VERSE SALVIA RACE.

THE DIZZY DUNK GUY GETS A WEB

RAW SEM SHUN, AND I LAY DOWN THE

ULTIMATE POPCORN CHALLENGE.

ALL RIGHT TURKEYS.

AFTER THIS SPEECH THE TURKEYS

IMMEDIATELY INVADED POLAND.

THEY WERE TRYING TO CREATE A

MASTER TURKEY RACE.

A TURKEY WITH ALL WHITE MEAT.

THAT SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

I'VE ACTUALLY PLAYED THERE.

IT'S A NICE VENUE.

HOW YOU TURKEYS DOING TONIGHT.

AM I RIGHT?

>> HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WITH A

LOT OF DARK MEAT WALK LIKE THIS,

AND TURKEYS WITH WHITE MEAT WALK

LIKE THIS.

YOU GUYS ARE GOBBING THIS UP.

LAST WEEK I SAW A TURKEY IN A

SUPERMARKET SO FAR PAST ITS EX

OPERATION DATE ASHTIN KUTCHER

MARRIED HER.

>> I ALWAYS HAVE TO WEAR BLUE.

I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE

THE SHOW.

CAN SOMEBODY TO CHECK IF MY GIMP

IS DOING MY LAUNDRY?

GOOD.

HE'S NOT MUCH OF A TALKER.

TAKE A LOOK.

I'M WRINKLE FREE.

BY THE WAY OUR SAFE BOARD IS

FEBREE

FEBREEZE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART

ABOUT HAVING A ROOMMATE IS.

THEY USE ALL YOUR PEANUT BUTTER.

JUDGE GROSS.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE MR. PEANUT

NUTTED ON HIS FACE.

I LIKE IT WITH CELERY.

>> MAYBE HE HAD A LOT OF GUM IN

HIS HAIR.

WHAT'S NEXT.

>> GOAL!

GOAL!

GOAL!

GOAL!

GOAL, GOAL, GOAL, GOAL!

GOAL!

GOAL!

GOAL!

>> I'M SORRY.

YOU WANT TO FEEL BAD FOR A GUY

IN A WIFE BEATER CAPRI PANTS

THAT WAS WHIPPING A HORSE.

TONIGHT YOU'RE ALL IN FOR A REAL

TREAT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY IS IT GAY?

>> IS IT GAY?

>> NO.

HE IS A HERO.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE HAS TO DO TO

KEEP US SAFE.

NEXT.

IS IT GAY?

NO.

THIS GAME IS GETTING EASIER AND

EASIER.

WHAT IF THEY'RE BROTHERS.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY

TIME ME AND MY BROTHER TONGUE

KISSED, IN THE MORNING, HE WOULD

COME DOWN FROM HIS BUNK BED,

MORNING MISSED YOU.

WHAT'S NEXT.

>> THAT'S JAKE GYLLANHALL

WEARING A WHITE STEED.

WEARING A VERY DEEP V.

NOTHING GAY ABOUT THAT.

>> IS IT GAY?

>> NO.

THIS IS NOT GAY.

IT'S MERELY ADULT FILM STARS

ACTING IN A MOVIE.

WHAT IF THIS MOVIE HAD STARRED

KEVIN SPACEY.

MORGAN FREEMAN.

TYLER PERRY.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK THEY'RE GAY.

THEY HAVE INCREDIBLE RANGE.

>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE GETTING

AWARDS.

THIS GAME IS STUPID.

I QUIT.

>> WHOA!

NOW, THAT WAS GAY.

>> STOP LAUGHING HE COULD HAVE

DISLOCATED --

>> YOU COMBINE IT WITH GUT --

>> LET'S SEE WHO LOST THE TOUR

DE FRANCE IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPING]

>> BEFORE WE PLAY IT NOTICE THE

CHILD SIZE HELMET AND THE

LAVENDAR T-SHIRT LIP BRACELET.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LET'S THE DOUBLE XL GAMES BEGIN.

REMEMBER WHAT SCIENCE TELLS AN

OBJECT IN MOTION TENDS TO STAY

IN MOTION.

THAT'S ESPECIALLY TRUE FOR FAT

OBJEC

OBJECTS.

HE HITS THE MOLEHILL AND HE IS

UP THERE.

AT THIS POINT HE'S THINKING I'M

NOT GOING TO LIE THIS IS GOING

WELL.

IF THERE'S ENOUGH TIME IN THE

AIR I MAY TRY FOR A TAIL WHIP OR

A SUPERMAN SEAT GRAB OR A RODEO

FLIP.

AND BACK DOWN TO EARTH.

TECHNICALLY HIS BACK WHEEL NEVER

LEFT THE GROUND.

THAT'S NOT A JUMP.

IT'S A WHEELY IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

HE COMPLETELY EATS.

DIRT HAS ZERO CARBS.

>> HARD TO TELL EXACTLY WHAT HE

HEARD.

HE'S CLUTCHING EVERYTHING.

FIVE SECONDS AGO HE WAS ABOUT TO

KISS THE SUN.

NOW HE'S RDSING AROUND IN POISON

IVY.

>> THOSE MAN BOOTS DOUBLE HIS

AIR BAGS AND HIS BUDDY KEEPS THE

CAMERA THROUGH THE PAIN AND FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

DIZZY DUNK GUY WEB RAW SEM SHUN.

>> HOT POCKETS.

SIMILAR TERMS.

MEXICAN WAFFLES.

TRUNK TACO.

>> IT'S SLIPPERY.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

GO AROUND THE BACK.

1, 2, 3.

ON THE GROUND.

OH MY GOD!

[LAUGHING]

>> HEY.

BEATS WATCHING A WNBA GAME.

>> DID YOU REALLY NEED TO MAKE

THE DUNK HARDER?

WHEN YOU'RE WHITE AND ON THE

BASKETBALL COURT YOU'RE ALREADY

HANDICAPPED.

A LESSON FOR ALL THE KIDS AT

HOME.

PABST BLUE-RIBBON IS NOT A

ATHLETIC ENHANCER.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE HAS NO PLACE IN

THEATRE ICKS UNLESS YOU'RE

AWESOME.

YOU EVER WATCH A COMPETITION

THAT'S NOT DOMINATED BY JUNKIES.

ATHLETES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MEAT

HEADS.

DON'T TAKE THE FUN OUT OF THE

GAME BY BEING A GOODIE 2 SHOES.

YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME.

CHASE SOME CHEERLEADER TAIL

BEFORE GETTING IN THE RUNNING

BACK.

THAT'S THE WHITE RUNNING BACK.

>> DRINKING IS A WAY TO BOND

WITH YOUR TEAMMATES AND MINGLE

WITH THE FANS AND TRY TO FORGET

THE FACT YOU'RE A COMPLETE

DISAPPOINTMENT.

THE WORLD OF SPORTS IS A HAVEN

FOR DRUG TAKING MORONS.

>> I SAY FINE YOU CAN'T BE

EXPECTED TO THROW DOWN ONE DOWN

ON THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

GREATNESS TAKES PRACTICE.

WE'VE BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN TO

TRY TO DRINK AND DRIVE THE LANE

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> HOW IS IT GOING, PAUL?

>> GOOD.

>> SO GLAD TO MEET YOU.

GLAD TO MEET YOU TOO.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THAT DUNK.

>> BASICALLY IT WAS US GUYS

CHALLENGING EACH OTHER IN A

CONTEST.

>> YOU DOWNED A BEER.

WHAT WAS YOUR EXACT MENTAL

STATE.

>> WE HAD BEEN DOING THE DUNK

CONTEST ALL DAY.

THIS WAS THE LAST ONE.

AND THIS WAS MY GRAND ATTEMPT.

MY GOAL IS TO CHUG THIS BEER, DO

A BACK FLIP, AND DO A 360 SPIN.

AND THE SPINNING AND THE

SPINNI

SPINNING.

>> BY THE WAY YOU ALMOST MADE

THE SHOT.

>> I KNOW.

IT ALMOST WENT IN.

IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

>> I DID WIN THE DUNK CONTEST.

>> WITH THAT ONE.

>> I HAD DONE ONE EARLIER WHERE

I DUNKED OFF THE HOOD OF A

MOVING CAR.

I HAD A GOOD LEAD.

I WANTED TO NAIL IT HOME WITH A

STRONG DUNK THAT I DIDN'T THINK

ANY OF MY JEWISH FRIENDS THAT

ARE 5'8" COULD DO.

I LIKE THE CAR ONE.

KIDS IF YOU CAN BEAT THAT PLEASE

SEND US YOUR TAPE.

>> HOW MANY SPINS DID YOU DO.

>> 10 SPINS.

I KIND OF LOST COUNT.

>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA.

YOU DID LITTER THAT BEER CAN,

AND THEN YOU FELL INTO THE TRASH

CAN.

DO YOU SEE THAT?

>> QUICK ACTING KARMA.

>> VERY QUICK ACTING.

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE

BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL-TIME.

>> I WAS A BIG FAN OF DAVID

ROBINSON.

>> THE ADMIRAL.

>> YEAH.

>> I HATED FLAT TOPS.

THAT'S WHY I HATED STVE HARVEY.

WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE DRUNK OF

ALL-TI

ALL-TIME.

>> NORM FROM CHEERS.

>> MINE IS MY DAD.

>> HOW HAS THIS CHANGED YOUR

LIFE?

>> I DON'T DO DIZZY DUNK SPINS

ANYMORE.

DO YOU THINK KOBE BRYANT RAPED

THAT CHICK?

>> UM?

>> IT'S IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?

>> YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH --

>> LET ME MAKE SURE THIS IS

OKAY.

>> UH-OH.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

>> HERE WE GO.

THAT WAS GOOD.

SO YOU CAN SPIN WITHOUT FALLING.

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE ON YOUR

GAME.

ONCE YOU GET A FEW BEERS IN YOU

--

>> I GUESS THAT WOULD BE MORE

REALISTIC.

>> YOU'VE GOT YOUR BEER, AND

YOUR BAT.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> I'M READY.

LET'S CHUG.

>> GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.

10 ROTATIONS.

COME ON, KEEP THE HEAD DOWN.

>> I'LL BE HONEST I HAVEN'T BEEN

COUNTING.

OKAY.

GET ON THE BOARD.

COME ON.

PERFECT.

LET'S GO.

YOU GOT TO GO FOR TWO.

>> ARE YOU IN?

>> YES.

8 SECONDS ON THE BALL.

>> YEAH.

RIDE THAT BULL.

ALL RIGHT.

PAUL COME ON, THIS WAY.

LET'S GO LET'S GO!

COME ON.

PAUL, WATCH OUT FOR THE PEOPLE

PLAYING JENGA.

WATCH OUT FOR MY GRANDMA'S URN.

>> GO THIS WAY.

AND I FORGOT TO MENTION YOU HAVE

TO DUNK OVER DENNIS RODMAN.

>> MY LITTLE BROTHER.

>> THANK YOU, DENNIS.

>> I APPRECIATE IT.

THAT'S COOL.

>> IT WAS ALL BALLS.

FOR $5,000 DENNIS RODMAN WILL

COME TO YOUR PLACE FOR ABOUT 4

MINUTES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOMMY

CHONG.

[CLAPPING.]

>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK

OF THE WEEK.

>> GET OUT.

WHAT?

>> I DON'T CARE.

>> I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, LIKE

CHILI SAUCE.

[BLEEP]

>> THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE

WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURGER

KING.

HAVE IT YOUR WAY, LATE AT NIGHT.

THIS IS THE POPCORN CATCHER.

*

*

[LAUGHING]

*

*

>> SO IMPRESSIVE.

MY ORIGINAL IDEA WAS TRYING TO

USE CADBURY CREAM EGGS.

BUT GOOD LUCK TRYING TO FIND

THOSE IN THE SUMMER.

YOU CAN STOCK UP IN THE SPRING.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER

SEND IT TO OUR WEBSITE.

>> NOW LIVE VIA WEB CAM IS TOMMY

CHONG.

DOING FINE.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> FINE.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT AWAY BUT

I NEED YOU TO TELL THE KIDS AT

HOME THEY SHOULDN'T DO DRUGS.

>> TELL THEM WHAT?

>> TELL THEM NOT TO DO DRUGS.

>> WHY?

>> IT'S A LEGAL THING.

>> LISTEN KIDS, IF YOU WANT TO

DO DRUGS REPLACE THEM.

>> NO.

WHAT TOMMY IS TRYING TO SAY IS

DON'T DO DRUGS.

ENJOY THE VIDEO.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

BATTLE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING

FOR.

WEED VERSUS SALVIA.

TODAY WE HAVE THE PRINCE OF THE

NEW SCHOOL, SALVIA ERIC VERSUS

TOMMY CHONG.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE A

TOKE.

RUN THROUGH THE TIRES.

THE FIRST ONE THROUGH BUYS A

LUNCH.

>> ON YOUR MARK, GET SET.

[GUNSHOT]

*

*

*

*

[LAUGHING]

[BLEEP]

>> OH.

[CLAPPING]

>> DUDE!

THIS IS A GOOD VISUAL AID WHY

YOU SHOULD NEVER DO DRUGS.

RIGHT HERE.

>> MR. HAT, I HAVE TO GO TO

SPACE TODAY.

>> I KNOW YOU DO.

>> THANKS, TOMMY AND ERIC, AND

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

WEBSITE,

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

>> THIS WEEK'S VIDEO COMES FROM

JOHN ALRICH.

*

*

>> HOW YOU DOING?

>> THANKS, JOHN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE.

THAT'S MY BUSH.

[CLAPPING]

>> WELCOME BACK.

LAST WEEK WE POSTED ON OUR

WEBSITE AN ORIGINAL PAINTING

THAT WAS CREATED FOR US, AND WE

HAD YOU INTERPRET IT.

HERE'S SOME OF MY COMMENTS.

PENSKE THINKS THAT THE PAINTING

IS AN IMPRESSION ANIES

PARTICULAR WORK.

TOGETHER DANIEL AND THE

PRESIDENT MUST TRAVEL SIDE FREE

OF PRECONCEPTIONS DOWN THE

STREAM OF IDEOLOGY.

DONNIE THINKS YOU AND OBAMA HAVE

BECOME GAY DINGOES.

SO YOU MUST LEAVE THE U.S., AND

SAIL THE MARY, MARY.

IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT.

NICK HOW MUCH I LIKE IT -- UNION

CORN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT MEANS.

IT TURNS ME ON.

NATE, CHARLIE FOUND CANDY

MOUNTAIN.

CHARLIE FOUND CANDY MOUNTAIN.

>> CHARLIE, FOUND CANDY

MOUNTAIN.

CHARLIE FOUND CANDY MOUNTAIN.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

HEAD OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER.

>> HE DID ANOTHER PAINTING OF

ME.

THAT IS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE ON

eBAY.

127 RIGHT NOW, WORTH NOW.

>> HERE'S OUR LAST VIDEO OF REH

DOG.

KEEP THEM COMING.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

WATCHING.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK

WHEN WE GIVE THE SKATEBOARD GIRL

A WEB REDEMPTION.

YOU CAN DO IT!

>> DON'T FALL.

DON'T FALL.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO BUY

HER SHOES.

AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

WEBSITE.

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO

SUBMIT YOUR POPCORN CHALLENGES.

GOODNIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

BEFORE WE LEAVE I HAVE TO MAKE

58 CONSECUTIVE 3-POINTERS.

THAT'S JUST A LITTLE PART OF MY

OCD.

IT'S GOING TO BE A WHILE.

MY RECORD IS 3.

WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE ALL

NIGHT.

ONE.

2.

YES, I CALLED GLASS.

GOT TO START OVER.