Original subtitles

>> A KITCHEN MATCH.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

[CLAPPING]

>> THANK YOU.

OKAY KIDS WE DON'T PROMOTE

SMOKING BUT NOBODY WANTS THIS

GUY TO QUIT.

HE'S GOT A GIFT SO SUCK IT TRUTH

CAMPAIGN.

SMOKING JUST GOT COOL AGAIN.

>> WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

THE SHOW THAT WARNS A VERY

UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALL WITH MY

PARENTS EVERY THURSDAY AT

10:31.

WE HATE YOUR SHOW.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR

REAL NAME.

>> TODAY, JACK MCBRAYER STOPS BY

AND GETS REALLY ANGRY, THE

BALLOON GUY RECEIVES A HEARTFELT

WEB REDEMPTION, AND IF THERE'S

TIME, WE HAVE SOME WHITE GIRLS

DOING BILL COSBY IMPRESSIONS.

>> THIS WEEK LEBRON JAMES IS

BEING ACCUSED OF THE ULTIMATE

CRIME: NO, NOT GETTING HIS

MOGWAY WET.

BUT BEING DUNKED ON BY A KID WHO

ATTENDED HIS OWN BASKETBALL

CAMP.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SEE IT

BECAUSE NIKE AND LEBRON

CONFISCATED THE TAPE SO IT

WOULDN'T EMBARRASS LEBRON.

AND NIKE, AS LONG AS YOU'RE

TRYING TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE

EMBARRASSING TAPE HOW ABOUT YOU

BURY THAT 4-2 BEAT DOWN ORLANDO

GAVE HIM IN THE PLAYOFFS.

I'M NOT SURPRISED I'VE PLAYED

LEBRON BEFORE, AND HE'S A

HORRIBLE SPORT.

YOU JUST DON'T POUND AWAY.

THAT'S BEGINNER.

ALWAYS PICKS THE PINK HIPPO.

HE'S GOT A KNACK FOR BALLS.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GO TO TARGET TO

BUY ME A NEW GAME.

AND THEY MIGHT WANT TO CALL

AHEAD, THEY ONLY HAD 30 LEFT

WHEN I BOUGHT MINE TWO DAYS AGO

TO FILM THIS BIT.

MY MOM WAS LIKE WAS THAT REALLY

LEBRON.

THEIR HANDS DO LOOK ALIKE.

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

AN OLD LADY ON A MOTORCYCLE.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

[YELLI

[YELLING]

IF YOU GUESSED THAT SHE WOULD

WRECK INTO AND EVEN OLDER LADY

IN A WHEELCHAIR, YOU'RE DOING

GREAT.

GRANDMA'S FINE.

THAT'S THE GREAT PART ABOUT

HITTING SOMEONE THAT'S ALREADY

PARALYZED.

JUST DON'T COUNT ON THAT $5

BIRTHDAY CHECK THIS YEAR.

>> CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

NEXT?

NOT EVEN NOSTRADAMUS COULD

PREDICT THIS VIDEO WOULD END

WITH INCEST.

>> HEY CAPTAIN APPROPRIATE, NOW

IS NOT THE TIME TO [BLEEP] YOUR

MOTHER-IN-LAW.

WE'RE NOT EVEN FINISHED.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

IT'S A MIRACLE, THAT'S RIGHT,

GRANDMA CAN STAND!

TURNS OUT SHE WASN'T PARALYZED.

NOPE, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE FROM

THE SOUTH, SHE'S JUST FAT AND

LAZY.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

>> SEND YOUR HATE MAIL TO ME IF

YOU CAN FIGURE HOW TO WORK THE

INTERNET.

KAUFMAN IS ALIVE.

>> I LOVE BESTIALITY AS MUCH AS

THE NEXT GUY, BUT DON'T ASK ME

TO CUDDLE AFTERWARD, WHICH IS

WHY I FIND THE PIC OF THE WEEK

SO DISTURBING.

>> AT FIRST WE JUST HAD HIS EYES

BLOCKED.

BUT THEN THE HORSE CALLED AND

WAS LIKE, "HEY MAN, CAN YOU DO

ME A SOLID?"

LET'S SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE

CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

SADLY I DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA

EVEN BE CLOSE TO ENOUGH TIME.

I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO

DRINK.

CAN I RIDE YOU HOME?

DUDE, DAVE'S GIRLFRIEND IS A

TOTAL WHORE.

BEFORE YOU CLIMAX, I'D LOVE IT

IF YOU COULD YELL, "AND DOWN THE

STRETCH THEY COME."

LOOKS LIKE SARAH JESSICA PARKER

HAS BEEN CHEATING ON MATTHEW

BRODERICK.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A HORSE.

THIS IS FAR DOWN THE LIST, BUT

DOES THAT HORSE LOOK TOO YOUNG

TO YOU?

THE JUDGES WON'T COUNT THAT ONE.

I DIDN'T GET IT IN TIME.

>> IT'S NOT OFTEN AT A FUNERAL

THAT THE PEOPLE IN THE CROWD

WANT TO TRADE PLACES WITH THE

GUY IN THE CASKET.

* AMAZING GRACE *

* IT IS *

* OH

*

I GUESS THAT'S THE JACKSON

BROTHER JOE DIDN'T BEAT HARD

ENOUGH.

DON'T WORRY, HE FINISHES UP

SUPER STRONG.

*

*

WHOP, WHOP.

WHERE'S SANDMAN SIMS WHEN YOU

NEED HIM?

WHOP, WHOP.

I DON'T GET WHAT WHOP, WHOP IS.

YOU NEED A BLACK FRIENDS.

SOMETIMES I DON'T SLEEP AFTER

SNL.

>> OKAY, WHO'S READY FOR A LEAP

OF FAITH?

* [LAUGHING]

YOU SCREW UP LIKE THAT IN CHINA

AND THEY EXECUTE YOU ON THE

SPOT.

SHE'S COMPLETELY FINE, BY THE

WAY.

SHE TWITCHES A LOT.

SHE GOT RIGHT BACK UP ON THAT

WI

SWING.

GYMNASTICS IS A COMPLICATED

SPORT TO JUDGE, SO LET'S MAKE

SOME DEDUCTIONS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

ALRIGHT, LET'S SWING.

>> WHO ISN'T JAZZED UP ABOUT

VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL.

RIGHT NOW BECCA'S THINKING,

"SOMEONE'S AMPED UP.

WE'VE NEVER DONE FOUR BIG SWINGS

BEFORE THE LAUNCH."

BUT BETWEEN SCOTT AND JESUS

THERE'S NO WAY I'M COMING UP

SHORT.

WE ARE THE BRANCHES.

WHOA, THAT'S PRETTY HIGH.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO GOD.

JUST WAIT, IN 2 SECONDS YOU'RE

GONNA MEET HIM.

COMING IN HOT!

LOOK AT THE PEOPLE KNEELING NEXT

TO THE MAT.

THIS WOMAN ON THE END SEES IT

COMING, LET'S SEE WHAT SHE DOES.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO ONE ARM

IT?

PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT, MANNY

RAMIREZ

NICE HEIGHT ON THE BOUNCE,

THOUGH.

ENOUGH HANG TIME TO BECOME AN

ATHIEST.

>> YOU KNOW WHO'S FEELING PRETTY

SMUG RIGHT NOW.

THE SALES PERSON THAT TOLD THEM

THEY WOULD DEFINITELY NEED TWO

SAFETY MATS.

BUT THE CHURCH COULD ONLY AFFORD

ONE.

WE'RE NONPROFIT.

AND THERE GOES HER SCRUNCHIE!

SOME LUCKY FAN IS GOING HOME

WITH A SOUVENIR.

I GOT A VERTBRAID.

>> A STANDING OVATION?

AND PAN BACK TO SCOTT PETERSON,

STILL ON THE SWING SCOUTING THE

CROWD FOR A NEW LIFE MATE, AND

PRAYING NO ONE WAS FILMING.

BUT LUCKY FOR US, SOME

CHURCH-GOER DID, AND THEY HAD

THE DECENCY TO PUT IT ON THE

INTERNET, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK

YOU.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILL

MONROE, THE BALLOON GUY!

BUT FIRST, IF YOU HAVE ANY

QUESTIONS, REMEMBER, THE

INTERNET HAS ALL THE ANSWERS.

LIKE GOD.

>> IF A VAGINA ISN'T USED CAN IT

HEAL UP AND CLOSE?

>> NO.

>> WHY WON'T MY PARAKEET EAT MY

DIARRHEA.

>> IS IT BECAUSE OF MY DIET.

WHY ARE YOU FEEDING YOUR

PARAKEET DIARRHEA.

>> THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION I

WHOA!

>> DARN IT.

IT'S NOT COOPERATING.

I'M BECOMING TRAPPED IN THE

BALLOON.

I HATE THIS.

[GRUNTI

[GRUNTING]

>> I HATE THIS.

>> THAT GUY LIVES IN A STUDIO

APARTMENT?

WITH TALENT LIKE THAT? THAT'S

GOTTA BE A POOL HOUSE.

THERE ARE STRANGER HOBBIES OUT

THERE.

>> JESSICA SIMPSON, FOR EXAMPLE,

IS WAY INTO COMPETITIVE EATING.

THAT'S HER CHOICE.

DON'T THROW STONES.

WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHAT'S

PRODUCTIVE AND WHAT'S NOT

ANYWAY?

YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOW.

YOU'RE NOT OFF TO A GREAT START,

ARE YOU.

SO HOW ABOUT WE STOP ASKING WHY

AND START ASKING WHY NOT,

BECAUSE THE FACT IS: WE WANT

BILL IN THAT BALLOON, WE NEED

HIM IN THAT BALLOON!

SO WE TRIED TO GET HIM IN, AND

MORE IMPORTANTLY BACK OUT OF

HIS BALLOON IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

>> SURPRISE.

BILL.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> DID YOU COME BY HOT AIR

BALLOON.

WERE YOU WAITING FOR THAT ONE?

>> BOOM.

>> HOW DID YOU GET INVOLVED WITH

BALLOONS?

>> WELL, IT STARTED WITH THIS

ARTICLE IN NATIONAL INQUIRER,

THIS GENTLEMAN THIS PERSON

GETTING INTO A HUGE INFLATED

BALLOON.

THE ONLY THING HE'S THIN.

AND HE POPPED THEM AS HE GETS

OUT.

>> RIGHT, AND YOU DECIDED --

>> DECIDED FOR GOING IN AND THEN

GETTING OUT WITHOUT POPPING

THEM.

>> AND YOU FAILED.

>> I FAILED A FEW TIMES, YES.

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER

ON FAMILY MATTERS?

>> REALLY I CAN TELL IT AIN'T

URKEL I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE

CHARACTER IN THAT SHOW.

>> YOU WOULD BE MY FAVORITE

PERSON ON THIS PLANET.

HANDS DOWN.

>> DOWN THE HATCH?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BILL.

>> IT DOESN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT

BUT MY VOICE IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE

A CHIPMUNK.

>> BILL, ARE YOU READY?

>> YES.

>> OKAY.

LET'S GO SUIT UP.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING

TO BRING YOUR OWN BALLOON.

>> I GOT IT.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INSIDE

THIS?

>> NO.

>> SAVE THAT FOR LATER.

>> LET'S CRANK THIS THING UP.

>> HEY.

>> IS THAT ENOUGH?

>> IT SHOULD BE.

>> HOLD ON.

OKAY, BILL, THE WORLD WANTS TO

KNOW ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT

ANOTHER SHOT.

YOU NEED TO GET IN AND OUT

SUCCESSFULLY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, GOOD LUCK.

BILL, IT'S FAIR TO SAY THIS IS

THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

>> SLOWLY BUT SURELY.

>> YOU'RE WORKING OVER THE JUMP.

>> OH MAN.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> THERE'S A HOLE IN IT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT OF

ONE.

>> NO, I THINK YOU JUST KEEP

GOING DOWN.

>> OKAY.

>> I'LL LET YOU KNOW ONE THING.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> IT MAY POP.

>> WHOA!

>> HANG ON.

>> I GOT ONE FOOT IN

>> TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> AND I NEED TO BRING THE OTHER

FOOT IN.

>> STAY IN THERE, BILL.

>> I'M GOING TO GET CHANGED AND

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> I'M READY.

>> I CAN'T MOVE AROUND

>> BILL, DON'T ROLL OFF.

DON'T GO TOO FAR.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE

CLOWNING?

>> THE WORLD WANTS YOU OUT.

PUSH, PUSH.

>> IS IT CUTTING OFF

CIRCULATION?

>>

>> HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.

BILL, OH, YOU'RE SO CLOSE.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY.

>> BUSH.

BU

PUSH.

WE WANT YOU TO COME INTO THE

WORLD NATURALLY.

>> HERE COMES ANOTHER

CONTRACTION.

BREATHE.

BREATHE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO LOSE YOU.

>> OH BILL!

OH BILL!

OH BILL!

YES!

OH!

THAT'S A BOY.

IT'S A BOY!

THIS IS SO GOOD.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I

DELIVER A 55-YEAR-OLD MAN IT

NEVER GETS OLD.

>> I HAD A GOOD TIME BUDDY.

>> TRAVEL SAFELY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> BYE, BILL.

>> EVERY TIME THERE'S A RAINBOW

I'LL KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

AN ENTIRE PIECE ON BALLOONS AND

NOT ONE CONDOM JOKE.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JACK

MCBRAYER.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE

PRANK OF THE WEEK.

>> THIS IS THE AIR BAG WE'RE

GOING TO PUT INSIDE A COUCH.

A WE'RE GOING TO SIT HERE, AND

HOPEFULLY BLOW IT OUT.

>> OH!

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]!

>> AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE

WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURR

I FRIEND NATHAN WE'RE GOING TO

SEE IF WE CAN GET HIM INSIDE A

BALLOON.

>> PUT IT IN THERE.

>> NATHAN.

HE DID IT.

CAMERA.

NATHAN.

>> I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD.

>> GET ON MY SHOULDERS.

>> TURN AROUND.

>> HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> I CAN SMELL YOUR BALLS.

>> HELP ME GET IT OFF.

>> IT'S HOT IN THERE.

>> THAT'S FINE.

LET'S GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

>> THAT'S FINE.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

HE DIED.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE, NATHAN.

TICKETS TO HIS MEMORIAL ARE

AVAILABLE ON OUR WEBSITE.

I HEAR MINI KISS IS PERFORMING.

I COULDN'T RESIST.

LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE

WELCOME JACK MCBRAYER.

JACK

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US?

>> WELL, THIS PIECE WAS DONE BY

ME AND SOME BUDDIES OF MINE AND

IT WAS JUST A LITTLE OLD THING

WE THOUGHT WE'D TRY OUT.

>> WELL THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY.

>> I LOVE YOU?

I LOVE YOU.

>> AND NOW JACK MCBRAYER IS VERY

ANGRY, AND VERY FAR AWAY.

>> THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING.

>> I SWEAR TO GOD.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AHH!

>> THANKS FOR LETTING ME GET

THAT OFF MY CHEST.

THANK YOU TO JACK AND THE PEOPLE

AT FUNNY OR DIE.

MAKE SURE YOU GO TO

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 AND

UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF

THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES TO

US FROM MIKE POLK WHO MADE A

TOURISM VIDEO FOR HIS HOME TOWN

OF CLEVELAND.

THAT'S WHERE MY MOM IS FROM.

>> FUN TIMES IN CLEVELAND AGAIN.

IN CLEVELAND.

COME ON DOWN TO CLEVELAND TOWN

UNDER CONSTRUCTION SINCE 1868.

SEE A RIVER THAT CATCHES ON

FIRE.

IT'S SO POLLUTED THAT OUR FISH

HAVE AIDS.

>> THIS GUY HAS AT LEAST 2

DUI'S.

LOOKS LIKE A SCOOBY-DOO GHOST

TOWN.

BUY A HOUSE FOR THE PRICE OF A

VCR.

WE'RE SO RETARDED WE THINK THIS

IS ART.

AT LEAST WE'RE NOT DETROIT.

WE'RE NOT DETROIT!

>> YOU'VE BEEN PONED DETROIT.

THANKS, GUYS.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

I'M WITH BUSEY.

I JUST LOVE THOSE BEAT.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

WATCHING.

NOW, IF EACH VIEWER COULD JUST

GET 1,000 MORE PEOPLE A WEEK TO

WATCH WE SHOULDN'T GET

CANCELED.

IT'S A VERY SMALL PRICE.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH OUR NEXT

SHOW WHEN WE GIVE...

JOSH REINWALD A WEB REDEMPTION

FOR THE WORLD'S WORST BEST MAN

SPEECH.

THAT'S NEVER THE TIME TO BRING

UP ABORTION.

THAT'S WHAT HE DID.

HARLAN WILLIAMS WILL ALSO BE

WITH US.

AND ALSO, MAKE SURE YOU GO TO

OUR WEBSITE

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO SEE

ALL OF OUR VIDEOS AND BLOGS.

>> LAST WEEK WE ASKED YOU TO GO

TO OUR WEBSITE TO TELL ME IF MY

RESPONSE VIDEO WAS RACIST.

THE RESULTS ARE IN, NO IT WAS

NOT, BUT ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO

COMMENTED ON IT, ARE.

SERIOUSLY GO READ THE COMMENTS.

PEOPLE ARE FEARLESS WHEN NO ONE

SEES YOU.

SPEAKING OF RACIST, LAST WEEK WE

SHOWED YOU ASIANS DOING

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

IMPRESSIONS, AND WE ACCIDENTALLY

PUT THE SAME GUY IN IT MULTIPLE

TIMES.

BUT IN OUR DEFENSE, TO A ROUND

EYE, YOU DO LOOK SIMILAR.

AS A HONKY, I CAN SAY ROUND EYE,

I THINK.

WE MIGHT PAUSE AND EDIT THAT

OUT.

I LEAVE YOU WITH A LOVELY MASHUP

OF WHITE GIRLS DOING BILL COSBY

IMPRESSIONS.

>> I'M BILL COSBY.

>> THE PUDDING.

WHAT YOU GOT TO DO WITH IF YOU

PUT THE PUDDING IN THE SPOON IN

YOUR MOUTH AND TWIRL IT OUT AND

SPIT IT RUDY.

AND CAMILLE.

I'M BILL COSBY.

[LAUGHI

[LAUGHING].

>> SHE HAS GOT A GIFT.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

>> WHAT'S IN YOUR CASE?

>> ONE A COSTUME.

>> I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU

WOULD HAVE OPENED IT FROM THE

OTHER END.

>> WORKOUT PANTS.

EXTRA LARGE WHITE T-SHIRT AND

ALSO A PAIR OF SOCKS.

>> PAIR OF SOCKS.

>> WE'LL HIDE THE UNDERWEAR.

>> THAT'S FINE.

>> WHY IS THAT THE BALLOON

OUTFIT?