Original subtitles

[APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

STOP!

DO YOU THINK HE'S BEING TICKLED

BY THE GHOST OF MICHAEL JACKSON?

[LAUGHTER]

>> THIS IS "TOSH.O"!

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> NEED SOME LIKE DRAMATIC PULL

BACK THERE.

TODAY, ANDY DICK STOPS BY FOR

WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVEN HOURS.

WE FINALLY TAKE CARE OF CHRIS

CROCKER, THE LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE

GUY.

AND A SPECIAL APPEARANCE FROM A

COP AND TWO GIRLS.

I KNOW.

LAST WEEK WE WERE OFF.

AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

I WAS NOT DEAD.

I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH JEFF

GOLDBLUM AND HARRISON FORD.

IT DOES SEEM LIKE A LOT OF

CELEBRITIES HAVE BEEN DROPPING

DEAD BUT NOT EVERYBODY HAS

PASSED AWAY.

HERE'S SOME CELEBRITIES STILL

ALIVE.

KURT LODER.

REALLY!

WOW!

HAILEY JOEL OSMENT.

I KNOW.

SEEMS LIKE HIS STILL GROWING UP

AWKWARDLY IN FRONT OF OUR EYES.

GOOD OLD HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN IS

WITH US.

AND THE MICRO MACHINE GUY.

AND I REGRET TO INFORM YOU, FRED

DURST IS STILL ALIVE.

NO ONE WILL RECOGNIZE YOU UNLESS

YOU TURN YOUR HAT AROUND.

HE PUTS HIS PITCHER ON A TWITTER

ACCOUNT IN MEMORY OF MICHAEL

JACKSON.

WHEN I THINK OF HOW MANY

CHILDREN HE HAS TOUCHED WITH HIS

MUSIC.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SORRY.

IT'S JUST SO UNEXPECTED THAT HE

DIED.

I MEAN, I SAW HIM TWO WEEKS AGO

JOGGING.

HE LOOKED REALLY GOOD.

I REMEMBER SAYING TO JEFF

GOLDBLUM, IF I LOOK LIKE THAT AT

50 --

[LAUGHTER]

>> TOO SOON?

NOT LIKE I'M DOING JOKES ABOUT

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND FROM DAVE AND

BUSTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ANYONE?

SOMEONE CLOSE TO MICHAEL JACKSON

WAS IN THE INTERNET NEWS THIS

WEEK.

GARY COLEMAN.

YEAH.

I KNOW GARY COLEMAN IS NOT

EMANUEL LEWIS, BUT IT'S CLOSE.

HIS WIFE IS ARRESTED FROM

BEATING HIM UP.

SHE GOT FRUSTRATED WHEN SHE

COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT GARY

WAS TALKING ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO TO CHURCH.

>> LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN

HITTING THE BLOOD OF CHRIST

PRETTY HARD.

LET'S HOW MANY COMMENTS WE CAN

POST IN 20 SECONDS.

JUST ANOTHER SUNDAY AT THE

CRYSTAL METHODIST CHURCH.

IT'S LIKE GOD IS TASERING THEM

WITH LOVE.

SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID

PICTURE.

SCIENTOLOGY IS THE CRAZY

RELIGION.

TRY FALLING ASLEEP IN THIS

CHURCH.

EVERYONE LOOK AT STACY.

SHE'S IN THE ZONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE KNEW THERE

WAS SCOUTS IN THE CROWD.

DID THE PASTOR SKIP BY US?

THAT'S A RECORD, BY THE WAY.

EIGHT COMMENTS.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S CRANK IT UP A NOTCH WITH A

NEW SEGMENT CALLED "ASIANS DOING

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPRESSIONS."

>> GRAB A FREE WRENCH CHICKEN.

HUNT IT DOWN WITH A KNIFE.

>> KNIFE UNDER THE PILLOW,

WAITING IN THE SHOWER.

>> OH, OH.

>> THAT'S SPOT ON.

GOOD FOR YOU.

>> THE ONE AND ONLY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE A STICKLER,

BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT LAST GUY

WAS ASIAN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WE GO TO THE FAVORITE'S NEW

GAME SHOW, "IS IT RACIST?"

>> LOOK AT THE CAM, MAN.

YOU SEE BENJAMIN, FRANKLIN.

THEM AIN'T NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

>> IT'S NOT EASY, IS IT?

IT MIGHT BE RACIST BUT MAYBE

WE'RE RACIST FOR ASKING THIS.

IN ANY CASE, WATCHING THIS

INSPIRED ME TO MAKE A RESPONSE

VIDEO.

>> YOU'LL NOTICE CORPORATE

CHECKING ACCOUNTS, HAVE A ROTH

IRA, DIVERSIIED STOCK

PORTFOLIOS.

YOU CAN SEE I SET UP A TRUST

FUND FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.

AND I DON'T WEAR ANY JEWELRY.

I HAVE BEEN AGAINST DIAMONDS

EVER SINCE THE U.N. RESOLUTION

IN 2000.

I DIGRESS.

THIS IS CALLED A COLLEGE DEGREE.

AND THIS IN MY WALLET IS MADE

FROM FOAM LEATHER.

NOTICE I HAVE TWO CREDIT CARDS.

ONE FOR CORPORATE EXPENSES AND

ONE FOR INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.

BE CAREFUL, TOO MANY CREDIT

CARDS WILL RUIN YOUR CREDIT

SCORE.

I HAVE $47.

THAT'S USED FOR TIPPING.

TIPPING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN

SOMEONE PROVIDES YOU WITH A

SERVICE.

LIKE AT A RESTAURANT OR A HOTEL.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M TOLD THAT

PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF CHANGE

AND CARRY TONS OF CASH TEND TO

BE THE WORST TIPPERS.

THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

>> IS IT RACIST?

YOU CAN VOTE.

GO TO OUR WEBSITE,

comedycentral.com/tosh.o/WHITES

RULE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T THINK THAT'S OUR REAL

ADDRESS.

MOVING ON.

SUMMER IS IN FULL SWING.

READY FOR THE ALL-STAR BREAK FOR

BASEBALL?

SOMETHING TELLS ME CINCINNATI'S

MAYOR MALLORY DIDN'T GET THE

NOTE.

>> READY FOR A READY.

>> OH, SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE A

DAD.

NICE THROW, SWING STATE.

LET'S USE AN INSTANT REPLAY TO

EXAMINE THIS TOSS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

OH, MAYOR MALLORY, HAD TO BE

FIRED UP.

SUN OUT, STADIUM PACKED.

NO RACE RIOTS IN THE DOWNTOWN

AREA.

HE WAS LIVING OUT A BOYHOOD

DREAM.

HE COCKS BACK, TAKES A STEP,

SNEAKS IN A SECOND STEP JUST TO

MAKE SURE THERE'S NO POWER

BEHIND HIS THROW.

FOR THE MATHELETES, THE MOUND IS

60 FEET, SIX INCHES AWAY.

HE GOT IN FRONT OF THE MOUND.

AFTER TWO STEPS, NO MORE THAN 50

FEET FROM HOME PLATE.

THAT'S WHAT WE IN THE THROWING

BUSINESS CALL NOT THAT FAR.

HERE'S THE WINDUP.

AT THIS POINT HE'S THINKING THE

BALL IS STILL IN MY HANDS.

I'M SURE I SHOULD HAVE LET GO BY

NOW.

AS LONG AS I DON'T RELEASE MY

GRIP, I CAN TRY IT AGAIN.

[BLEEP].

TOO LATE.

A LITTLE OFF COURSE.

MAYBE I PUT SPIN AND IT WILL

BREAK RIGHT.

200 FEET OUTSIDE.

AWESOME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE MAYOR OF

CLEVELAND WAS THINKING AFTER

THAT?

IF THAT'S ME, I'M THINKING IT'S

A GOOD TIME TO INVADE

CINCINNATI.

WHAT'S THIS?

FOR DIRTINESS, THE UMPIRE

EJECTED THE MAYOR FROM A GAME

THAT HE'S NOT REALLY PLAYING IN.

AND I ASSUME THAT'S THE SAME UMP

THAT TOSSED THIS VIDEO ONLINE

FOR OUR ENJOYMENT.

GOOD LOOKING OUT, BLUE!

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ONE VIDEO I HAVE ALWAYS

WANTED TO PUT ON THIS SHOW.

IT'S ONE OF THE INTERNET'S MOST

POPULAR VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.

BUT IT'S VILE CONTENT MAKES

AIRING IT IMPOSSIBLE.

SO LET'S DO THE NEXT BEST THING.

LET'S RECORD THE BIGGEST EVER

REACTION VIDEO TO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

STUDIO AUDIENCE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO

MAKE YOUR TELEVISION DEBUT

REACTING TO TWO GIRLS, ONE COP.

[APPLAUSE]

**

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

CHRIS CROCKER.

>> AND IS THERE ANYBODY OUT

THERE MAKING FUN OF BRITNEY?

AFTER ALL SHE'S BEEN THERE.

ALL YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS

READERS AND MAKING MONEY OFF OF

HER.

SHE'S A HUMAN!

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

>> SOMEONE IS MENSTRUATING.

CHRIS CROCKER HAS OTHER VIDEOS

AND THEY'RE AWFUL.

SEQUELS ALWAYS SUCK.

IT'S LIKE SMOKING CRACK.

THE FIRST TIME IT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

MAYBE EVEN MARRY WHITNEY

HOUSTON.

BEFORE THAT, WHITNEY GETS TOO

SKINNY AND NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR

THE FOLLOW UP TO "MY

PREROGATIVE."

THE POINT IS, NOTHING IS EVER AS

GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL.

REMEMBER DAVID AS DENNIS?

THIS KID IS UNBEARABLE WHEN HE'S

SOBER.

SORRY, DAD.

DAVID IS ONLY FUNNY WHEN HIS

HIGH OUT OF HIS MIND.

WHAT ABOUT THE NUMA NUMA GUY'S

FOLLOW UP VIDEO?

ENOUGH.

I'M SICK OF IT.

TWO SECONDS IN AND I'M OVER IT.

AND THIS GUY SOLD OUT WORSE THAN

THE BLACK EYED PEACE.

IS IT'S POSSIBLE FOR LIGHTNING

TO STRIKE TWICE ON THE INTERNET?

DID ALL CHRIS' TEARS DRY UP?

WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE

TO GET THAT GOAL IN THIS WEEK'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> CHRIS.

>> HI.

>> TINA.

>> TEEN WHATEVER.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> SO YOU'RE STRAIGHT?

LISTEN, WE HAVE A GREAT PLACE TO

DO AN INTERVIEW.

I SET IT UP.

I THINK IT WILL MAKE US BOTH

FEEL VERY MUCH AT HOME.

>> IN PRIVATE.

>> VERY PRIVATE.

KIND OF LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY.

>> GIRL'S NIGHT.

>> TELL ME HOW YOUR LIFE CHANGED

AFTER THAT VIDEO.

>> ONE MORNING I GRABBED MY WEB

CAMERA AS I ALWAYS DO WHEN I'M

MAD.

I FILMED IT IN FRONT OF MY

WINDOW WITH THE CURTAINS.

>> AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT

YOU FILMED IT UNDER YOUR

CURTAINS?

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE --

>> WHAT THE -- AM I DOING WITH

THIS -- SHEET?

YOU THINK BRITNEY WANTS TO BE

LEFT ALONE?

>> NO.

>> SO IT WAS JUST IN THE MOMENT?

IT WASN'T FAKE THOUGH?

>> NO, IT WASN'T.

>> DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE --

>> I HAVE LEUKEMIA PUBES.

THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HEIDI

AND SPENCER?

>> SHE'S A ROLE MODEL OF MINE.

SHE'S THE --

>> MAYBE A LITTLE MORE MASCULINE

OR INTIMIDATING WHEN YOU'RE

TELLING SOMEONE TO LEAVE PEOPLE

ALONE, SWITCH IT UP.

>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

>> LIKE THAT?

>> NO.

THAT'S TERRIFYING.

I INVITED OVER A FAMOUS

PAPARAZZO.

FACE YOUR DEMONS.

TALK TO THEM.

THIS PERSON IS FAMOUS FOR NOT

LEAVING BRITNEY ALONE.

COME ON IN.

DANO IS THE ONE THAT TOOK THE

PICTURE WHEN BRITNEY WAS

FREAKING OUT WITH THE UMBRELLA.

>> OKAY.

HE'S THE ONE THAT I EXPOSED WHEN

SHE WAS GOING THROUGH A HARD

TIME.

>> YES.

>> I'M SO EXCITED.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO

TELL HIM?

>> NOT MUCH I WANT TO TELL HIM

BUT A LOT I WANT TO DO TO HIM.

>> OKAY.

NOT IN MY HAPPY TENT.

DANO, DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO TAKE

ANYMORE PHOTOS OF BRITNEY?

>> NO.

>> LEAVE HER ALONE.

RIGHT NOW.

>> THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> THAT'S OKAY.

THAT'S GOOD FOR MY SHOW.

I NEED THE PUBLICITY.

IT'S BEEN A SLOW START.

OKAY.

NEED TO FIND SOMEONE NEW.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME WARDROBE.

>> A SHIRT?

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU MIND PUTTING THAT BACK

ON?

>> I DON'T MIND.

I'M GOING TO NEED THIS.

I'M GOING TO NEED SOME PRIVACY.

>> OKAY.

>> WHY?

>> WELL, THE WORLD WANTS TO

KNOW.

CHRIS, YOU READY TO GIVE ANOTHER

SHOT?

>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

PLEASE!

LEAVE HER ALONE.

>> WE KNOW WHO AMERICA NEEDS TO

LEAVE ALONE NOW.

>> LEAVE HER ALONE RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO --

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

WHAT YOU HAVE ALL WATCHED IS THE

FIRST TELEVISED ENOUGH FILM.

LIKE MOST INTERNET SNUFF VIDEOS

YOU THINK IT WAS REAL.

IT WAS FAKE.

CHRIS IS A GOOD SPORT.

HE'S STANDING OVER THERE.

CHRIS?

[APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.

TAKE A BOW.

OR A CURTSEY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDY

DICK.

>> AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE

PRANK OF THE WEEK.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER?

[BLEEP].

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE

WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURGER

>> HELLO, PHOENIX ONLINE

UNIVERSITY CLASS OF '09

GRADUATES.

I WAS HONORED TO DELIVER YOUR

COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

WHEN I LOOK OUT INTO THIS WEB

CAM, I'M REMINDED THAT EVERYBODY

GOT HERE IN THEIR OWN WAY FOR

SOME SAFARI.

FOR OTHERS, FIRE FOX.

FOR A SELECT FEW IMMIGRANTS,

HAND ME DOWN COMMUTERS, IT WAS

NETSCAPE.

ALL WITH ONE GOAL IN MIND.

ALL TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU DO

HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE WITHOUT

TELLING THEM FROM WHERE.

I REMEMBER WHEN GRADUATED FROM A

REAL COLLEGE.

IT WAS IN A ROOM WITH REAL

PEOPLE AND MY FAMILY WASN'T

EMBARRASSED.

DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE DEGREE

YOU PRINTED.

TACK IT UP ON YOUR CUBICAL WALL

AND LOL WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF

IT.

BEFORE MY COMPUTER CRASHES, I'D

LIKE TO APPLAUD THE 16% OF YOU

THAT MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRE

WALL.

UPDATE THE FACEBOOK STATUS TO

COLLEGE GRADUATE.

CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES!

[APPLAUSE]

>> MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL DO TRUCK

DRIVING SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT.

LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE

WELCOME ANDY DICK.

ANDY?

>> I GIVE YOU THE 10.

HELLO.

I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M WELL.

HEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE AN OLD

AUDITION TAPE OF YOURS FROM

"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2" THAT

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY?

YEAH?

>> NO, NO.

NO.

I SENT SOMETHING CALLED "40

MINUTES WITH ANDY."

DON'T PLAY THE OTHER THING

THAT -- I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT

LEAKED OUT THERE.

>> YOU WALKED IT INTO MY OFFICE.

>> IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M LIKE THIS --

>> IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF

HITLER, WHICH I'M SURE ISN'T IN

THE MOVIE.

HERE'S ANDY DICK'S AUDITION TAPE

FOR "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2."

>> DO YOU THINK I HAVE -- I CAN

DO THIS PART.

>> IT'S LIKE -- HONESTLY.

OKAY.

ANDY DICK, FOR HITLER IN "NIGHT

AT THE MUSEUM 2."

I ALMOST SAID NIGHT AT THE

JEWSY.

DON'T FILM RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO SAY INAPPROPRIATE AND

TOO SOON.

TOO SOON WITH THE WHOLE LITTLER

AND THE JEWS.

I LIKE JEWS.

I'M JUST -- MY AGENT IS JEWISH,

MY CLEANING LADY IS JEWISH.

STOP.

I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT

GOING TO DO SOME OF THESE LINES

LIKE THIS ONE HERE.

WHAT REASON?

I'LL GIVE YOU SEVEN MILLION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND THEN THIS ONE.

WHEN I CAN'T FIND SOMETHING, I

ALWAYS CHECK THE ATTIC.

[BLEEP].

>> WHO IS THE CAPTAIN?

>> DONNA.

>> THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M

DOING HERE.

>> YOU GO AND I'LL GO AFTER YOU.

>> I NEED TWO MINUTES.

>> YEAH.

>> GIVE ME A HILE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU.

>> TO SEE MORE OF THE AUDITION,

GO TO ADAM.COM.

AND GO TO

comedycentral.com/tosh.o TO

UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A

CHANCE TO BE THE VIEWER OF THE

WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES

FROM ACTIONPAL.COM.

>> HOW MUCH IS IT?

>> $14.

>> THAT'S HIGH, RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> GET SOME IN YOUR FACE.

[BLEEP].

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE BATTLE

BOTS.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

WATCHING.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE NEXT

SHOW WHEN WE GIVE THE BALLOON

GUY A WEB REDEMPTION.

>> IT'S FAIR TO SAY THIS IS THE

GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

>> I MADE A FRIEND FOR LIFE.

MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR WEBSITE,

TOO, WHERE WE HAVE OUR FINAL

FLOWER SHOP VIDEO.

AND NOW FOR THE MOST UNFORTUNATE

DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK.

IT GOES TO THE SCHAEFFLER GROUP

AND THEIR WEBSITE, FAG.COM.

THEY MAKE BALL BEARINGS.

THEY WERE FOUNDED IN 1905.

MAKE SURE YOU LOCK UP FAG.COM.

GOOD CALL.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.