Original subtitles

MEOW.

MEOW.

[CLAPPING]

>> I WON'T LET HIM SLEEP IN MY

BED.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0, THE SINGLE

GREATEST HALF HOUR OF YOUR LIFE.

BELIEVE IT!

TODAY'S SHOW IS WONDERFUL.

TODAY TERRELL OWENS MAKES

AMENDS.

SCARLETT TUMBLES HER WAY TO A

WEB REDEMPTION.

AND HEIDI AND SPENCER ANNOY ME.

BUT FIRST, PEREZ HILTON VERSUS

THE BLACKED EYED PEAS.

APPARENTLY A FIGHT BROKE OUT

THIS WEEK BETWEEN WILL I AM AND

PEREZ.

THIS IS WHAT PEREZ SAID THAT

STARTED THE FIGHT.

THAT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE THING

THAT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO HEAR.

>> WHOA!

>> HELLO POT, MEET KETTLE.

THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE

WORST THING YOU CAN CALL A BLACK

RAPPER.

THAT'S WHY I (BLEEP) YOUR BITCH

YOU FAT (BLEEP).

THAT SOUNDS A LOT WORSE.

IF THAT'S ALL MICHAEL RICHARDS

HAD SAID HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE

IN HIDING.

WILL RESPONDED HARSHLY ON HIS

VLOG.

WAY TO BE GANGSTA.

I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN

RAPPERS WOULD ACT LIKE MEN AND

JUST SHOOT SOMEBODY.

NOW IT'S LIKE A SEMI COLON WINK.

BANG BANG.

LET'S GET TO SOME SERIOUS

INTERNET NEWS.

FREE JACK YATES.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS?

GET INVOLVED.

THIS CASE IS VERY NEAR TO MY

HEART.

THIS YOUNG MAN HAS BEEN

IMPRISONED FOR 6 MONTHS FOR

ILLEGALLY POSTING THE LOVE GURU

ONLINE.

WHERE IT WAS DOWNLOADED OVER

85,000 TIMES.

THEY SAY HAD THAT NOT HAPPENED,

THE FILM COULD HAVE BEEN A BOX

OFFICE SMASH.

OKAY, LET'S ALL SLOW DOWN.

THIS CLIP HAS 14 MILLION VIEWS

ONLINE.

20 ARE FROM ME.

>> THE POINT PEOPLE WILL WATCH

CRAP AS LONG AS IT'S FREE.

I WAS IN THIS MOVIE AND I

WOULDN'T PAY TO SEE IT.

THEN MY MOM GOT A JOB.

>> YEAH.

SOMEONE HAS GOT RANGE.

I HOPE EVERYONE IS ENJOYING

THEIR SUMMER.

MAKE SURE YOU GO OUTSIDE AND GET

SOME EXERCISE.

I DON'T WANT TO.

LET'S SEE HOW MANY JOKES WE CAN

MAKE IN 20 SECONDS.

HUH, YOU MEAN THAT RESERVOIR AT

THE END OF THE SLIP AND SLIDE

WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONTAIN HIM?

AT LEAST HE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING

AT THE END.

STAY CALM, JUST KEEP HIM WET.

WE NEED BUCKETS!

LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL PHELPS IS

STILL SMOKING POT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A JUMBO JET

LAND ON AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.

LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, I'M

IMPRESSED.

HE WENT REALLY FAR FOR ONLY

TAKING TWO SLOW STEPS BEFORE THE

SLIDE.

PERFECT TIMING.

EVIL BABY, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING

AT?

DING DING DING, BE THERE.

TELL YOUR PARENTS NOT TO WORRY,

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOUR KIDS ARE

SLOW BECAUSE THEY LIKE DANE

COOK.

THAT'S A PHASE AND MOST KIDS

GROW OUT OF IT BY AROUND MIDDLE

SCHOOL.

OUT ON YOU!

THAT'S OUT ON YOU!

THAT'S CALLED A FLIP THROW IN.

IT'S FOR DOUCHEBAGS WHOSE ARMS

ARE SO WEAK THAT THEY HAVE TO

UTILIZE ALL OF THEIR LEG

STRENGTH TO THROW A 15-OUNCE

SOCCER BALL.

I KNOW IT HURTS BUDDY, BUT YOU

JUST FOUND OUT WHAT THE REST OF

US ALREADY KNOW SOCCER IS

STUPID.

(NOW GO PLAY REAL FOOTBALL)

"SOCCER'S THE MOST POPULAR SPORT

ON THE PLANET.".

YEAH I KNOW, THANKS TO THIRD

WORLD COUNTRIES.

YOU SPEND ALL DAY IN A MUD HUT

SWATTING FLIES AND I GUARANTEE

THE IDEA OF KICKING A BALL ON A

HUGE GRASS FIELD WILL SOUND LIKE

THE GREATEST PASTIME EVER.

BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY

PLACE

THE FLIP THROW IS EFFECTIVE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW I BOWL.

STILL BROKE 100 AND A WALL.

THAT WAS A 15 POUND BALL.

YOU EVER GET STUCK NEXT TO THIS

PERSON ON A PLANE?

OH!

WELCOME TO THE BILE-HIGH CLUB.

FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE,

WE'VE HAD PUKING IN 4 STRAIGHT

SHOWS.

I'VE CLEARED A SPOT FOR MY EMMY.

NOW, LET'S SIFT THROUGH THE

MESS, CHUNK BY CHUNK, IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

>> OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART

TOO.

OKAY, PLAY THIS DISGUSTING

VIDEO.

STOP.

OKAY, STARTS OUT AWFUL.

"THIS SUCKS.

I HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, AND I'M

BARFING INTO A BREAD BAG, STOP,

WHILE MY TALLER, THINNER,

PRETTIER FRIEND KAREN WINCES AT

ME IN HER HALTER TOP.

THIS IS THE WORST MOMENT OF MY

LIFE.

AT LEAST I GOT IT ALL IN THE

BAG."

TOWER, THIS IS GHOST RIDER,

REQUESTING PUKE BY.

NEGATIVE GHOST RIDER, THE BARF

BAG IS FULL.

I REPEAT, THE BARF BAG IS FULL.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT NOTICED

IT'S GOING UNDER HER GLASSES?

AND HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT HER

KICKING.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S TRYING TO TREAD

VOMIT.

"I'M COVERED IN MY OWN THROW UP.

HERE'S AN IDEA, MAYBE NEXT TIME

WE'LL JUST RENT THOSE

PADDLE-BOATS LIKE I WANTED TO."

OR THOSE TRICYCLE PADDLE BOATS.

GREAT SHAKE IT OFF.

JUST SHAKE IT OFF.

AND PILE

AND PILOTS, NEXT TIME THERE'S A

YOUNG GIRL HEAVING, MAYBE YOU

CAN POSTPONE THAT STALLING

BARREL ROLL MANEUVER.

BUT LUCKILY FOR US, MAVERICK AND

GOOSE HAD THEIR DATE RAPE CAM ON

AND PUT IT UP ON THE INTERNET

FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, AND FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU.

OKAY, LET'S BRING HER DOWN!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

SCARLETT TAKES A TUMBLE, BUT

FIRST

YOU THINK ALL OF THE GREAT

WEBSITE NAMES ARE TAKEN?

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

HERE'S JUST A SAMPLE OF SOME

UNCLAIMED DOMAIN NAMES THAT ARE

AVAILABLE NOW.

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO HURRY!

TAKE THAT A FROM JOHN AND KATE.

JESUS CHRYSLER.

REAL DOLL LOVE AFFAIRS.

>> JELLY TUGS.COM.

OH!

>> AT LEAST SHE WASN'T ON THE

IRONING BOARD.

CHRIS ROCK SAID, "THE ONLY JOB A

FATHER HAS IS TO KEEP THEIR

DAUGHTERS OFF THE POLE.".

GUESS HE FORGOT ABOUT THE TABLE.

SURE, MAYBE IT'S FUNNY WHEN

SCARLET TAKES HER TUMBLE, BUT

DOES SHE REALLY DESERVE TO BE

TEASED FOR TRYING TO MAKE A

CHARMING VIDEO?

NO!

OK, MAYBE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHO REALLY NEEDS

TO TAKE A TUMBLE?

THESE LADIES:

ONLY I WISH THEY'D FALL OFF A

MOUNTAIN.

LIKE, THE BIGGEST MOUNTAIN EVER.

ANYWAY WHERE WAS I.

OH YEAH, SCARLETT.

HEY, AT LEAST SHE ISN'T HUMPING

THE FURNITURE.

DID SHE NEED TO SING UP ON THAT

COFFEE TABLE?

NO.

DID SHE NEED TO HANG TEN ON THE

EDGE?

GOOD LORD, NO.

BUT SHE DID IT ANYWAY.

WHY?

BECAUSE LIKE ANY TRUE ARTIST,

SHE'S A RISK-TAKER!

OBVIOUSLY, I HAD TO MEET UP THE

GIRL WHO REFUSED TO STAY DOWN.

SO LET'S SEE IF SCARLETT HAS

WHAT IT TAKES TO GET HER GROOVE

BACK IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING].

>> AND PAGE ALSO KNOWN AS

SCARLETT.

>> IT WAS THE FIRST NAME THAT

POPPED IN MY HEAD.

>> I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

>> IT HURT BUT I DIDN'T HURT

ANYTHING.

I JUST BRUISED THE BACK OF MY

LEG.

>> AND SINGING AND DO YOU ENJOY

SINGING.

>> YES.

>> YOU USED THE WORD BALANCE.

>> I REMEMBER THAT.

>> HOW DID PEOPLE IN HIGH SCHOOL

RESPONSIBLE.

>> EVERY NOW AND THEN SOMEONE IS

NOT REALLY COOL.

>> KIDS ARE SO MEAN.

>> AND WHEN THEY WOULD DO

SOMETHING STUPID.

AND THEY WOULD BE NOT AS STUPID

AS STANDING AS A TABLE.

>> I DON'T THINK STANDING ON A

TABLE WAS THE STUPID PART.

>> I WOULD SAY WALKING TO THE

VERY EDGE OF THE TABLE

>> I FORGOT WHERE I WAS FOR A

SPLIT SECOND AND IT JUST ALL

HAPPENED.

>> PAIGE, SCARLET ARE YOU READY

TO BEGIN YOUR TRAINING.

>> AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE.

>> WHY DO WE FALL.

>> BECAUSE.

>> WHY DO WE FALL.

SO WE CAN GET BACK UP

>> I BROUGHT IN 3 TIME OLYMPIC

COACH.

>> YOU HELP HER WITH HER

BALANCE.

I'M GOING TO FIND A MUSIC

PRODUCER.

>> OKAY.

>> OCCASIONALLY SHE LIKES TO

HEAR YOU CAN DO IT.

>> OKAY.

YOU CAN DO IT.

>> KEEP YOUR BALANCE FORWARD,

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU CAN DO IT.

>> PAIGE YOU ARE COMING ALONG

WONDERFULLY.

THIS IS TIM.

TIM IS A HOLLYWOOD COMPOSER.

>> HE IS GOING TO PERFECT THE

SONG.

ALL RIGHT TIM GO GET STONED OR

WHATEVER.

>> WELL, PAIGE THE WORLDS EVERY

WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

>> I'M READY.

>> I'M NERVOUS.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

GIVE A WARM ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR SCARLETT.

* BACK WHEN WE WERE YOUNG WE

BOUGHT A NEW HOME *

* I WOULD HAVE GIVEN MY LIFE FOR

YOU *

* CAN I BEAR TO GIVE MY HEART TO

NEED TO PART *

* I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK, STILL

I CAN'T BUT THINK OF YOU *

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS,

YES.

THAT SONG IS AVAILABLE TO

DOWNLOAD ON OUR WEBSITE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TERRELL

OWENS.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING [.

>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK

OF THE WEEK.

>> YOU LIKE THAT?

AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

WELCOME BACK.

A LITTLE LATER YOU'LL SEE A NEW

VIDEO MADE TERRELL OWENS, BUT

FIRST I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO

SIT DOWN WITH SPENCER AND HEIDI,

HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST COUPLE.

AND BY HOTTEST, I MEAN MOST

ANNOYING.

WE'RE HERE WITH REALITY STARS

HEIDI AND SPENCER.

>> IT MUST BE HARD BEING THAT

STUPID.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE?

AND SHE MANAGES HERSELF.

I'M LIKE HER SECRETARY.

>> I HATE YOU.

>> I WOULD LOVE TO BASH BOTH OF

YOU IN THE FACE WITH A

PILLOWCASE FULL OF DOORKNOBS.

>> SPENCER, WHO IS AT THIS POINT

DOESN'T THINK YOU TWO SHOULD BE

BURIED ALIVE.

>> PROBABLY JUST US.

>> HEIDI YOU'VE HAD YOUR BOOBS,

FACE AND CHIN REDONE.

>> IT'S LIKE ON THIRD OF YOUR

YEARLY SALARY.

>> DID ONE OF YOU PEE YOUR

PANTS.

>> MAYBE.

MAYBE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

>> WE SHOULD FIGURE THAT OUT.

>> HEIDI, SPAEN SIR THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR

BUSY SCHEDULES.

THAT'S HARD TO EVEN SAY.

GOODNIGHT.FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR BU

SCHEDULES.

THAT'S HARD TO EVEN SAY.

GOODNIGHT.MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YO

BUSY SCHEDULES.

THAT'S HARD TO EVEN SAY.

GOODNIGHT.

I HAVE TO DO THIS.

OUR LAWYERS WANT ME TO MENTION,

THAT WAS NOT A REAL INTERVIEW

AND HEIDI HAS NOT HAD A CHIN

JOB YET.

LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE

WELCOME TERRELL OWENS.

TERRELL.

>> CAN YOU HEAR ME.

>> YEAH I CAN HEAR YOU.

>> DID YOU BUY THAT SUIT OFF THE

RACK.

IT IS WONDERFUL.

>> THANK YOU

>> WHY DID YOU PRERECORD ALL

YOUR APOLOGIES.

>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD

IDEA

>> WE'RE EXCITED TO HAVE YOU ON

OUR SHOW.

>> THANK YOU.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> HOW YOU GUYS DOING.

IT'S GOING TO BE A BUSY SEASON.

I FIGURED I'D GET ALL MY FUTURE

APOLOGIES OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT

NOW.

LET'S BEGIN.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO MY

TEAMMATES AND MY COACH FOR THE

EXCESSIVE CELEBRATIONS.

I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT

GETS EXCITED.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR

THE JOE BUCK SHOW.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE FOR

THAT SHOW.

>> I KNOW I'M REALLY AWESOME,

AND I MAKE AWESOME PLAYS BUT IN

THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS, YOU

GOT TO SHOW OTHER PEOPLE.

>> SORRY ABOUT WINDOWS VISTA.

NOT THE OPERATING SYSTEM I

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

>> I'M SORRY FOR THE STOCK, AND

HOUSING MARKET.

>> I'M SORRY FOR THAT TOUCHDOWN

DANCE WHERE I HAD SEX WITH YOUR

GIRLFRIEND.

THAT WAS REALLY RUDE.

>> LADY IN RED AND IT FELT LIKE

BARF AND I TRIED TO BLAME IT ON

THE COUPLE NEXT TO US.

GUESS WHAT.

IT WAS ME, AND I APOLOGIZE.

>> GIVE ME THE BALL.

I'M ALWAYS ON THE BALL.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

THANK YOU T.O.

TO SEE EVEN MORE APOLOGIES THAT

DIDN'T MAKE IT TO OUR SHOW GO TO

COMEDY CENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, BRUSH

YOUR HAIR AND DON'T FORGET YOUR

STINKY UNDERWEAR.

UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF

THE WEEK.

THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES TO

US FROM TURKEYNECK.NET

GROSS MOM.

ONCE A MONTH.

YES, SWEETIE.

>> EVERY MONTH?

>> YES, SWEETIE BUT THAT IS THE

PRIVILEGE OF BEING A WOMAN.

WHEN YOU'RE READY TO YOU CAN

HAVE A BABY.

>> I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

EVERY MONTH YOU GET AN ABORTION.

>> COME HERE.

THEY'RE CALLING ME SHERYL.

>> I LOVE THAT.

THANKS GUYS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

SHORTIES WATCHING SHORTIES.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH OUR NEXT

SHOW WHEN WE GIVE CHRIS CROCKER

SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.

AND ALSO, MAKE SURE YOU GO TO

OUR WEBSITE

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 WHERE

WE HAVE A NEW DAVID KOECHNER

FLOWER SHOP VIDEO, MORE TO

APOLOGIES AND MORE UNCUT HEIDI &

SPENCER FOOTAGE.

OKAY, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR

AGAIN WHEN WE CELEBRATE OUR

COUNTRY'S INDEPENDENCE SO WE'VE

MADE A MASH UP OF SOME OF THE

INTERNET'S MOST MEMORABLE

NATIONAL ANTHEMS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA.

* OH SAY CAN YOU SEE *

* BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT *

* AS THE LANDS GLEAM IT WAS *

* THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT *

* OH THE LAND OF THE FREE *

* SO GALLANTLY SLEEPING *

* AND THE ROCKETS RED GLARE *

* AND THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR

*

* THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE

*

* OH SAY THAT STAR-SPANGLED

BANNER YEAH WAVING *

* FOR THE LAND OF THE FREE *

* AND THE BRAVE *

PLAY BALL!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

>> LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL PHELPS IS

STILL SMOKE POT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A JUMBO JET

LAND AN AIRCRAFT.

WHEN I MEANT TO SAY BEFORE THE

STUPID TIME RAN OUT IT'S LIKE I

DON'T CARE I WILL GET THIS JOKE

OUT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A JUMBO JET

LAND AN AIRCRAFT.

NO, BACK IT UP.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A JUMBO JET

LAND ON AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.

I KNOW.

OKAY.

OUT OF TIME.

HAD YOU EVER PUT SOME THINGS ON

THAT COFFEE TABLE BEFORE.

>> NO.

LOOK, IT, I'M GOING TO DIE.

>> I NOTICED THERE WAS SOME

IRONING THAT NEEDED TO BE

ATTENDED NEXT TO THE TABLE.

DID YOU EVER GET AROUND TO DOING

THAT.

>> YES.

I DID.

>> THAT'S THE ONE THING I

NOTICED.

ON THE LEFT THERE WAS AN IRONING

BOARD.