Original subtitles

[ROCK MUSIC].

YEAH

YEAH!

HEY, HEY, HEY

HEY, HEY, HEY

HEY, HEY

YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

YEAH!

AUDIENCE: YEAH!

OH, THAT'S A REAL AUDIENCE.

THAT WAS SODAHEAD13,AND HE LIKES

TO CRANK MUSIC AND CHUG SODA.

SURE, HE MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD AT

IT, BUT HE MORE THAN MAKES UP

FOR IT WITH SHOWMANSHIP,SO BACK

OFF, HATERS.

YEAH!

I START EACH AND EVERY DAY

WATCHING A SODAHEAD CHUG VIDEO.

YEAH!

IT'S BETTER THAN A CUP OF BLACK

COFFEE.

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE SHOW.

YEAH!

TONIGHT, MISS TEEN SOUTH

CAROLINA, SUCH AS, BEGS FOR A

WEB REDEMPTION, SUCH AS.

AND COMEDIAN/ACTOR DAVID

KOECHNER STOPS BY.

WITH HIS FIRST EPISODE OF THE

FLOWER SHOP.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE

GREATEST CLIPS THIS WEEK ON THE

WEB.

GOD, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A

CLIP SHOW.

LET'S ROLL THE FIRST CLIP.

AW, THIS WEEK BRET MICHAELS,

STAR OF ROCK OF LOVE, MADE IT TO

BROADWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

IS HE DEAD?

HE CAN'T DIE.

HE HASN'T FOUND LOVE YET.

DON'T WORRY,

HAD THAT SET KILLED YOU,

IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE CLOSE TO THE

MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT

HAPPENED THIS WEEK.

ANYBODY HEAR ABOUT HOW DAVID

CARRADINE PASSED AWAY?

[LAUGHTER]

JUST LIKE MY GRANDFATHER--

HANGING IN THE CLOSET IN BANGKOK

WITH A BELT AROUND HIS NECK,

PLEASURING HIMSELF.

TOO SOON?

SELF-DEFENSE, GUYS.

IT'S VERY SERIOUS.

KHAKIS, CHECK.

BROWN BRAIDED BELT, CHECK.

POLO SHIRT, CHECK.

COMMUNITY THEATER CURTAIN,CHECK.

OKAY, LET'S SHOOT THIS GAY

THING.

YOU WOULD STEP TO YOUR LEFT,

REACHING BACK WITH YOUR RIGHT

HAND, GRABBING TESTICLES, AND

SQUEEZING.

SWEEP THE TESTICLES.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

NO, SENSEI.

SWEEP THE TESTICLES.

NO MERCY.

[LAUGHS]

GET HIM A BODY BAG,

JOHNNY!

[TAPPING SOUNDS]

DO YOU HEAR THAT?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK TO

KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG.

COME ON.

NO!

IT'S STEP, BALL CHANGE, BRUSH

STEP.

HEEL DIG, STEP.

FROM THE TOP.

AND PULL UP YOUR SOCK.

I'D LOSE THE UMBRELLA IF YOU

WANT PEOPLE AT DANCING WITH THE

STARS TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S MOVE ON SO EVERYBODY

DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH TWO HOURS

OF SPORTSCENTER BEFORE THEY GO

TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

[GUN FIRING]

TIME TO MAKE FUN OF YOU.

LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN POST IN 20

SECONDS.

WEIRD, A LEFT-HANDED GUNMAN.

YOU DON'T SEE MANY OF THOSE.

I DIDN'T GO FAT.

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

TYPE 2 DIABETES KILLS PEOPLE.

TEN TO ONE, HE'S WEARING

ELASTIC.

HEY, WHO SHOT ME?

MAYBE IT WAS THAT MOUNTAIN IN A

WINDBREAKER.

GOOD THING HE'S WEARING EAR

PROTECTION.

I'M SURE HE'LL LIVE LONG ENOUGH

FOR THAT TO MATTER.

EVERYONE DOWN, THERE'S A BEAR

WITH A GUN.

[LAUGHTER]

GUNS ARE GREAT.

BUT GUNS IN BIKINIS, SEXY.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S DISTURBING ABOUT

THIS PHOTO?

NOTHING.

THIS GUY IS FREAKING AWESOME.

RELOAD.

PUT 20 SECONDS BACK ON THE

CLOCK.

IS THAT A FAKE TAN BETWEEN HIS

LEGS OR IS THAT A RASH?

"I DON'T WANT TO SMILE.

JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, MOM."

NICE EYEBROW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DUDE IN

1-A.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT GUNS LIKE

I AIN'T GOT NONE.

WHAT YOU THINK, I SOLD THEM ALL?

"PLEASE STOP POINTING THAT GUN

AT ME," SAID HIS JUNK.

[LAUGHTER]

JUDGES, I THINK I GOT THAT ONE

IN.

I'M OUT OF TIME.

OH, A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M SURE THIS WILL GO GREAT.

[ENGINE REVVING]

GUYS, THAT WAS ACTUALLY HER

EXIT.

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, WE

RESEARCHED IT.

THAT COUPLE'S NO LONGER

TOGETHER.

YEAH, WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS

WEEK'S VIDEO BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPING]

IMAGINE YOU'RE THIS GAL, DATING

THE COOLEST DUDE IN TOWN.

HE PICKS YOU UP FOR THE BIG DAY

DATE.

YOU GRASP HIS COTTON-POLY BLEND

WOLF T-SHIRT.

YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THOSE LIGHT

BEERS BY THE RIVER LATER.

HOPE HE REMEMBERS HIS PROMISE--

NO MORE WHEELIES.

[ENGINE REVVING]

PAUSE IT.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

OFTEN IT'S HARD TO TELL IN A

RELATIONSHIP WHEN THINGS BEGIN

TO SOUR.

BUT FOR THEM, IT'S EXACTLY AT

THIS MOMENT.

IF YOU BACK IT UP, YEAH, AT THIS

POINT, IT WAS GOING GREAT.

IN FACT, THAT MORNING SHE TOLD

HER FRIENDS SHE THINKS RICHIE

MIGHT POP THE QUESTION AT THE

RIVER LATER.

BUT HERE, UH-UH, NOT SO MUCH.

SOME DOUBTS CREPT IN.

IS HE THE RIGHT MAN?

AM I READY?

BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR HER.

THE LETTING GO PART, WHAT IS

THAT THINKING?

LIKE, HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW WHEN

YOU'RE THE PASSENGER IN THIS

SITUATION.

THIS WHEELIE IS PRETTY SCARY.

THERE'S A CHANCE HE DOESN'T PULL

THIS OFF, A CHANCE.

HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW IF YOU LET

GO.

"I WILL AT THE VERY LEAST BE IN

A LOT OF PAIN, "AND I CERTAINLY

WON'T BE GETTING DRUNK AT THE

RIVER LATER TONIGHT."

ANOTHER REASON THIS RELATIONSHIP

WAS DOOMED, RICHIE NEVER EVEN

SLOWED DOWN.

NO, HE KEPT RIGHT ON GOING.

HE KNOWS WHAT'S BACK THERE-- A

MINIMUM OF FIVE HOURS IN THE

EMERGENCY ROOM TRYING TO

CONVINCE HER THAT SHE'S EVEN

SEXIER WITHOUT A CHIN.

SO INSTEAD, HE MADE A

SPLIT-SECOND DECISION TO GAS IT

TO HIS BUDDY'S PLACE TO UPLOAD

THIS VIDEO FOR THE WORLD TO SEE,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU,

RICHIE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MISS

TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA.

I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.

AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN

OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS.

AND I BELIEVE THEIR EDUCATION,

LIKE, SUCH AS IN SOUTH AFRICA

AND THE IRAQ, EVERYWHERE, LIKE,

SUCH AS, AND I BELIEVE THAT THE

SHOULD-- OUR EDUCATION OVER

HERE, IN THE U.S., SHOULD HELP

THE U.S.-- OR SHOULD HELP SOUTH

AFRICA.

IT SHOULD HELP THE IRAQ AND THE

ASIAN COUNTRIES, SO WE WILL BE

ABLE TO BUILD UP OUR FUTURE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SOUTH

CAROLINA.

THAT SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME.

OKAY, HARD TO WATCH WITH VOLUME.

BUT LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO SOUND

INTELLIGENT WITH VASELINE ON

YOUR TEETH.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR MISS TEEN

SOUTH CAROLINA, YOU DON'T GET A

SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST

IMPRESSION.

AS OF TODAY, OVER 50 MILLION

PEOPLE WATCHED HER HAVE A

FULL-ON BRAIN SHART,

WHICH MEANS, STATISTICALLY, TEN

MILLION OF THOSE PEOPLE DIDN'T

KNOW THE ANSWER EITHER.

MARIO LOPEZ DIDN'T KNOW THE

ANSWER, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP HIM

FROM SMIRKING NEXT TO HER IN HIS

OPEN-NECK BLOUSE.

CLOSE UP THAT [BLEEP] SHIRT,

VALDERRAMA.

IT'S DISTRACTING.

GOD USUALLY DON'T LIKE TO DEAL

WITH BOTH HANDS.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS GUY IS SO

SMART?

BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED LIKE

THIS GUY.

BUT HEY, IF YOU'RE DROP-DEAD

GORGEOUS, EMBRACE IT; THAT'S

YOUR THING.

WHAT ARE WE DOING ASKING YOU

QUESTIONS ANYWAY?

IF YOU CAN DO ONE THING RIGHT,

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

IF YOU CAN SING, IT'S OKAY IF

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IT'S OKAY

JUST TO SIT AND GIGGLE AND BE

GRATEFUL THAT AT LEAST YOU CAN

PUT THOUGHTS INTO A COHERENT

SENTENCE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE

CAN'T.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS MEAN.

I'M SORRY.

I USUALLY TRY TO SAVE THE LOW

BLOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD

AT ANYTHING AT ALL.

BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOUR

BUDDIES SAY THEY WOULDN'T DATE

HER BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SMART

ENOUGH, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING

TO TELL YOU IS THEY'RE GAY.

YOU WERE ROBBED.

LISTEN, MAYBE SHE JUST RAN OUT

OF TIME.

SO WE FIXED IT.

WE GAVE MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA

FIVE MORE MINUTES TO ONCE AGAIN

MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION IN THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

CAITIE.

HOO!

HELLO.

HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M SO GOOD.

SHH.

THIS IS RIGHT.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

NO, NO, NO, I SAY THAT TO MYSELF

EVERY DAY.

LAUREN CAITLIN UPTON, WHAT

SHOULD I CALL YOU?

CAITIE.

MISS SOUTH CAROLINA.

COME ON AND RAISE UP.

NOW TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

HAVE YOU EVER SANG THAT SONG?

OH, [BLEEP].

PEOPLE DON'T HIGH FIVE ANYMORE?

GOT IT.

CAITIE, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL

OUTFIT.

BUT I WAS HOPING THAT YOU

WOULDN'T MIND WEARING THE DRESS.

WHAT DRESS?

FROM THE PAGEANT.

HUH?

THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.

OKAY, IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD

DO TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD?

SO I HAVE TO ASK YOU, CAITIE,

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED UP THERE?

I MEAN, I WAS JUST HAVING AN

OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE, AND IT

WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

IT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.

EXCEPT FOR YOURS, 50 MILLION

PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED.

HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR LIFE HAS

BEEN AFFECTED BY THAT VIDEO CLIP

ON THE INTERNET?

IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD

EVER HAPPEN TO ME.

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PURSUE MY

MODELING CAREER.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I TRAVEL THE WORLD.

I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A

BETTER LIFE.

DIG IN.

I AM, I'M DOING IT.

YOU DIG IN.

I CAN'T EAT.

I'LL NEVER GET BACK INTO THIS

DRESS.

IT'S DELICIOUS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF YOU

WHEN THEY SAW THAT CLIP ONLINE.

AND WHAT I SAY TO THEM IS, "I'D

LIKE TO SEE YOU "STAND IN FRONT

OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON

NATIONAL TELEVISION, NEXT TO

SLATER."

AND I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO

SAY, "I'VE MADE MISTAKES WITH

MARIO, SURE."

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.

THIS IS ME ON A BANANA BOAT WITH

MARIO LOPEZ.

NEVER MIND THE RICK ASTLEY

HAIRCUT.

I'M ON A BANANA BOAT WITH

SLATER.

I MUST HAVE SAID THAT A THOUSAND

TIMES THAT DAY.

THIS RIGHT HERE IS ONE OF THE

BIGGEST REGRETS OF MY LIFE...

BESIDES THE ABORTION.

[LAUGHS]

OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

BUT PLEASE DON'T, DON'T RUN.

I'D HATE TO CHASE YOU.

OKAY, CAITIE, LISTEN, THE WORLD

WANTS TO KNOW.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT?

I THINK SO.

OKAY, THEN GIVE ME YOUR GUM.

DO NOT [BLEEP] THIS UP.

RECENT POLLS HAVE SHOWN 1/5 OF

AMERICANS CAN'T LOCATE THE U.S.

ON A WORLD MAP.

WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.

AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN

OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS AND--

[THUD]

SORRY, MY BAD.

I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU, SOUTH CAROLINA.

GAME OVER.

MISS TEEN USA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

ENJOY YOUR MOMENT.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

NAILED IT.

HA, AMERICA!

OH, YOU LOVE TO SEE SOMEONE

FAIL.

HOW 'BOUT WHEN SOMEBODY'S A

WINNER?

IT'S A BEAUTY PAGEANT, AMERICA.

NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP] WHAT'S

GOING ON UP HERE.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

LOOK AT HER BUTT.

WOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID

KOECHNER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MALE ANNOUNCER: AND NOW IT'S

TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.

I'M GONNA SCARE MY COUSIN WITH

THIS.

AHH!

OHH.

OH, MY GOD.

[BLEEP], MY GOD.

OHH!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING

TO [BLEEP] SCARE ME, YOU PIECE

OF [BLEEP].

ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE

PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO

YOU BY BURGER KING.

[AIR HORN SOUNDS]

[ORCHESTRAL FANFARE]

NOW THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A VIRAL

VIDEO-- SHORT AND SWEET.

AND NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FOR

NATHAN, WHO ON TAKE SEVEN

STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT SPINE

TINGLES.

THAT'S HOW YOU EXPLOIT A LITTLE

PERSON, CARLOS.

I MEAN NED.

RIGHT.

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN/ACTOR

DAVID KOECHNER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAVID.

OH. HEY.

HOW ARE YOU, DANNY?

I'M GOOD.

DID I WAKE YOU?

OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS ASLEEP, WASN'T I?

I'M SORRY.

I CAME IN HERE TO DO THE CHAT,

AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP.

YOUR BROTHER'S IN TOWN WITH HIS

KIDS, AND I CAN'T SLEEP

ANYWHERE.

QUIET!

DAVE--

I'M DOING A TV SHOW!

HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE

IDEA FOR--

I'M SORRY, WHAT IS IT?

HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA

FOR DOING THESE FLOWER SHOP

VIDEOS?

OH, IT'S JUST, UH-- THEY'RE

BASED IN REALITY, SO IT'S KIND

OF A REALITY-BASED COMEDY

ROUTINE FROM ACTUAL EVENTS

OF MY LIFE.

WELL, THEY'RE VERY FUNNY.

THANK YOU, DAVID.

LET'S ROLL THE CLIP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

- WELL. YOU?

- GOOD.

I'D LIKE A BOUQUET

OF RED ROSES FOR MY WIFE,

AND I WOULD LIKE THE CARD--

OH, IS THERE A CARD?

OH, SURE.

YEAH, I'D LIKE

THE CARD TO READ,

"[BLEEP] YOU

AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY."

WAIT, OH, I KNOW.

DO THIS.

NEW CARD--RIGHT.

WRITE, "[BLEEP] YOU."

- OKAY.

AND THEN

IN ANOTHER CARD,

IT'LL BE JUST BEHIND

THAT CARD IN THE ENVELOPE,

AND IT'LL SAY...

[CLEARS THROAT]

"AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY."

- SO WHEN SHE GETS IT,

SHE OPENS IT UP LIKE,

"[BLEEP] YOU."

OOH!

AND THEN SHE SEES

THE NEXT ONE--BA-BOOM.

"AND [BLEEP]

YOUR FAMILY TOO."

AND THEN THE FLOWERS

WILL BE LIKE,

OH, I THOUGHT

THEY WERE SOMETHING GOOD,

BUT IT'S KIND OF LIKE

THE THIRD "[BLEEP] YOU"

'CAUSE THEN SHE REALIZES,

OH, THESE ARE

SARCASTIC FLOWERS.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M JUST--PUT THOSE AWAY.

THROW THOSE AWAY.

WRITE, UM, UM,

"TO MY LOVING WIFE.

"I'M SO HAPPY

THAT YOUR FAMILY

"IS VISITING

FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

LOVE, DAVID."

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAVID.

[APPLAUSE]

AND KEEP CHECKING IN

AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0

WHERE WE'LL BE RELEASING

NEW EPISODES OF

THE FLOWER SHOP

DIRECTLY TO OUR WEBSITE.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,

UPLOAD YOUR OWN ORIGINAL VIDEOS

FOR A CHANCE TO BE

OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

- YOU, UH--YOU LIKE

THAT DRINK I GOT YOU?

- YEAH.

IT'S GOOD.

- ENJOYING IT,

YOUR BEVERAGE?

- YEAH, MAN,

IT'S A GOOD BEVERAGE.

- ALL RIGHT.

SO, UH--SO YOU LIKE

DRINKING PISS?

- YEAH.

YEAH.

- IT'S GOOD PISS?

- UH-HUH.

IT'S REALLY GOOD PISS.

- YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHOSE PISS

THAT IS?

- NO. WHOSE?

- RUDY.

- RUDY WHO?

- RUDY.

- RUDY, THE DOG, RUDY?

OH, MY GOD, DUDE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE--

OH, [BLEEP]!

UGH!

OH!

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M EATING [BLEEP]

SO I CAN GET

THE DOG PISS TASTE

OUT OF MY MOUTH, MAN.

- DUDE, DUDE,

THAT'S DOG [BLEEP].

- WHAT?

OH!

[BRUSH WHIRRING]

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

WOW.

I NEVER THOUGHT BRUSHING YOUR

TEETH COULD BE SO DIRTY.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,

WE PREMIERED LAST WEEK, AND THE

REVIEWS HAVE BEEN GLOWING.

LIKE THIS.

"TOSH.0 WAS BETTER THAN I

EXPECTED."

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A WEB JUNK.

TURNED TO BE A PRETTY GOOD SOUP

TAKEOFF

THAT'S FROM WICKEDNEMESIS,

WHO USUALLY ISN'T SO KIND,

SO THANK YOU.

THIS ONE'S FROM ANOTHER BIG

PUBLICATION.

YOUR SHOW THE COOLEST RUN.

"GRANTED I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO.

YOURS IS THE BEST ONE OF THOSE

TWO."

IT'S NICE TO BE NUMBER ONE.

AND I SAVED

THE BEST FOR LAST.

"CINNAMON PLUS CRACKER

PLUS SALVIA PLUS WHATEVER,

"THE BEST MINUTE ON TV.

THE REST WAS DON'T WANT

TO BE SUCKING YOUR [BLEEP]."

PRETTY GOOD.

CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE.

ALL RIGHT,

THAT'S A BIT TOO FAR, CBURNS.

BUT LET'S NOT POP THE CORK

ON THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

JUST YET.

ALL THOSE REVIEWS

ARE FROM TWITTER,

SO CONSIDER THE SOURCE,

ESPECIALLY SINCE

OVER 2 MILLION PEOPLE

FIND IT NECESSARY

TO FOLLOW ASHTON KUTCHER.

UGH.

YEAH, WE GET IT.

YOUR LIFE IS SO INTERESTING.

THAT'S WHY WE AT TOSH.0

WOULD LIKE

TO OFFICIALLY LAUNCH

THE UNFOLLOW CAMPAIGN.

AND THIS WEEK,

IT'S YOU, ASHTON.

FOR EVERY ONE MILLION PEOPLE

THAT WE GET

TO UNFOLLOW ASHTON,

WE AT TOSH.0

WILL SEND A CHILD TO COLLEGE.

COMMUNITY.

I MEAN, REALLY.

IF HE CAN GET

2 MILLION FOLLOWERS

JUST BE EXPLOITING DEMI

IN HER GRANNY PANTIES--

[AUDIENCE GROANS, CHUCKLES]

THAT'S A GRANNY

IN GRANNY PANTIES.

THAT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT.

THAT'S MORE LIKE

DEMI'S UNDERWEAR.

SO SHOWING DEMI IS THE KEY.

GOT IT.

THEN SHOWING A PICTURE OF HER

BACK IN THE '80S

SHOULD REALLY HELP

OUR SHOW'S FOLLOWING.

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

OH, YES.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT SHEDS TWICE A YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE.

I KEEP WAITING FOR A CAMERA CREW

TO COME RUNNING

OUT OF HER PUBES

TO TELL ME I'M ON PUNK'D.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I KNOW YOU AT HOME

CAN'T SEE ANYTHING,

BUT THE STUDIO'S RESPONSE

SHOULD TELL YOU

THERE'S A REASON

THIS IS COMPLETELY BLURRED.

AND I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED

THAT WE HAVE ENOUGH BLUR.

IT'S HUGE.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE PHOTO--

AND I WARN YOU,

YOU DON'T--

GO TO

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK

WHEN THE PUKE KID COMES BY.

WHO'S HE?

[CHUCKLES]

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

HE'S GONNA PUKE.

GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.