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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,030 [ROCK MUSIC]. 2 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:28,933 YEAH 3 00:00:29,133 --> 00:00:29,503 YEAH! 4 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:30,470 HEY, HEY, HEY 5 00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:31,467 HEY, HEY, HEY 6 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:36,170 HEY, HEY 7 00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:40,797 YEAH! 8 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,230 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 9 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:46,533 THANK YOU. 10 00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:47,533 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 11 00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:49,773 YEAH! 12 00:00:49,767 --> 00:00:52,167 AUDIENCE: YEAH! 13 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:55,697 OH, THAT'S A REAL AUDIENCE. 14 00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:57,230 THAT WAS SODAHEAD13,AND HE LIKES 15 00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:59,073 TO CRANK MUSIC AND CHUG SODA. 16 00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:04,227 SURE, HE MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD AT 17 00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:04,933 IT, BUT HE MORE THAN MAKES UP 18 00:01:04,933 --> 00:01:05,673 FOR IT WITH SHOWMANSHIP,SO BACK 19 00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,067 OFF, HATERS. 20 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:06,367 YEAH! 21 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:07,067 I START EACH AND EVERY DAY 22 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:07,727 WATCHING A SODAHEAD CHUG VIDEO. 23 00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:09,803 YEAH! 24 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:10,530 IT'S BETTER THAN A CUP OF BLACK 25 00:01:10,533 --> 00:01:10,873 COFFEE. 26 00:01:10,867 --> 00:01:11,967 YEAH! 27 00:01:11,967 --> 00:01:12,697 ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE SHOW. 28 00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,200 YEAH! 29 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,230 TONIGHT, MISS TEEN SOUTH 30 00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:19,503 CAROLINA, SUCH AS, BEGS FOR A 31 00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:21,670 WEB REDEMPTION, SUCH AS. 32 00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:22,427 AND COMEDIAN/ACTOR DAVID 33 00:01:22,433 --> 00:01:24,233 KOECHNER STOPS BY. 34 00:01:24,233 --> 00:01:24,933 WITH HIS FIRST EPISODE OF THE 35 00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:27,603 FLOWER SHOP. 36 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,230 AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE 37 00:01:28,233 --> 00:01:28,973 GREATEST CLIPS THIS WEEK ON THE 38 00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:29,867 WEB. 39 00:01:29,867 --> 00:01:30,627 GOD, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A 40 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,673 CLIP SHOW. 41 00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:37,667 LET'S ROLL THE FIRST CLIP. 42 00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,067 AW, THIS WEEK BRET MICHAELS, 43 00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:39,727 STAR OF ROCK OF LOVE, MADE IT TO 44 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:41,233 BROADWAY. 45 00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:42,973 [LAUGHTER] 46 00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:45,367 IS HE DEAD? 47 00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:46,897 HE CAN'T DIE. 48 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:50,230 HE HASN'T FOUND LOVE YET. 49 00:01:50,233 --> 00:01:52,073 DON'T WORRY, 50 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:53,067 HAD THAT SET KILLED YOU, 51 00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:54,067 IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE CLOSE TO THE 52 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:55,327 MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT 53 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:56,573 HAPPENED THIS WEEK. 54 00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:57,567 ANYBODY HEAR ABOUT HOW DAVID 55 00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:58,527 CARRADINE PASSED AWAY? 56 00:01:58,533 --> 00:02:01,473 [LAUGHTER] 57 00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:06,467 JUST LIKE MY GRANDFATHER-- 58 00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:07,197 HANGING IN THE CLOSET IN BANGKOK 59 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:07,870 WITH A BELT AROUND HIS NECK, 60 00:02:07,867 --> 00:02:08,467 PLEASURING HIMSELF. 61 00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:13,467 TOO SOON? 62 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,627 SELF-DEFENSE, GUYS. 63 00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:17,073 IT'S VERY SERIOUS. 64 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,067 KHAKIS, CHECK. 65 00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,427 BROWN BRAIDED BELT, CHECK. 66 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,133 POLO SHIRT, CHECK. 67 00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:23,503 COMMUNITY THEATER CURTAIN,CHECK. 68 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:24,170 OKAY, LET'S SHOOT THIS GAY 69 00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:26,627 THING. 70 00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:28,133 YOU WOULD STEP TO YOUR LEFT, 71 00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:31,273 REACHING BACK WITH YOUR RIGHT 72 00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:32,067 HAND, GRABBING TESTICLES, AND 73 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:35,097 SQUEEZING. 74 00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:38,070 SWEEP THE TESTICLES. 75 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,627 YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? 76 00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:42,533 NO, SENSEI. 77 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,603 SWEEP THE TESTICLES. 78 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:45,670 NO MERCY. 79 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,367 [LAUGHS] 80 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,567 GET HIM A BODY BAG, 81 00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:53,927 JOHNNY! 82 00:02:53,933 --> 00:02:54,603 [TAPPING SOUNDS] 83 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,470 DO YOU HEAR THAT? 84 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,167 I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK TO 85 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:57,927 KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG. 86 00:02:57,933 --> 00:03:00,473 COME ON. 87 00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,827 NO! 88 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:03,903 IT'S STEP, BALL CHANGE, BRUSH 89 00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,800 STEP. 90 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:06,630 HEEL DIG, STEP. 91 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,133 FROM THE TOP. 92 00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:10,303 AND PULL UP YOUR SOCK. 93 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:11,600 I'D LOSE THE UMBRELLA IF YOU 94 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,100 WANT PEOPLE AT DANCING WITH THE 95 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:15,770 STARS TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. 96 00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:17,227 ALL RIGHT. 97 00:03:17,233 --> 00:03:18,773 LET'S MOVE ON SO EVERYBODY 98 00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:22,167 DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH TWO HOURS 99 00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:22,897 OF SPORTSCENTER BEFORE THEY GO 100 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,070 TO SLEEP TONIGHT. 101 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:26,327 [GUN FIRING] 102 00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:29,203 TIME TO MAKE FUN OF YOU. 103 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,770 LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY 104 00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:32,427 COMMENTS WE CAN POST IN 20 105 00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:34,173 SECONDS. 106 00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,527 WEIRD, A LEFT-HANDED GUNMAN. 107 00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:37,273 YOU DON'T SEE MANY OF THOSE. 108 00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,067 I DIDN'T GO FAT. 109 00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:41,127 GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE. 110 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,833 TYPE 2 DIABETES KILLS PEOPLE. 111 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:43,473 TEN TO ONE, HE'S WEARING 112 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:44,827 ELASTIC. 113 00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,203 HEY, WHO SHOT ME? 114 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:46,930 MAYBE IT WAS THAT MOUNTAIN IN A 115 00:03:46,933 --> 00:03:48,273 WINDBREAKER. 116 00:03:48,267 --> 00:03:48,927 GOOD THING HE'S WEARING EAR 117 00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:49,973 PROTECTION. 118 00:03:49,967 --> 00:03:50,697 I'M SURE HE'LL LIVE LONG ENOUGH 119 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,400 FOR THAT TO MATTER. 120 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,100 EVERYONE DOWN, THERE'S A BEAR 121 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,900 WITH A GUN. 122 00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:58,670 [LAUGHTER] 123 00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,597 GUNS ARE GREAT. 124 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,330 BUT GUNS IN BIKINIS, SEXY. 125 00:04:03,333 --> 00:04:04,133 [AUDIENCE GROANING] 126 00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:05,533 YEAH, YEAH. 127 00:04:05,533 --> 00:04:06,273 YOU KNOW WHAT'S DISTURBING ABOUT 128 00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:06,667 THIS PHOTO? 129 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:10,067 NOTHING. 130 00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:11,127 THIS GUY IS FREAKING AWESOME. 131 00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,673 RELOAD. 132 00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:13,327 PUT 20 SECONDS BACK ON THE 133 00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,573 CLOCK. 134 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,827 IS THAT A FAKE TAN BETWEEN HIS 135 00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:19,773 LEGS OR IS THAT A RASH? 136 00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:20,727 "I DON'T WANT TO SMILE. 137 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:23,703 JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, MOM." 138 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,670 NICE EYEBROW. 139 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:26,397 MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DUDE IN 140 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,300 1-A. 141 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,070 YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT GUNS LIKE 142 00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,567 I AIN'T GOT NONE. 143 00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:32,827 WHAT YOU THINK, I SOLD THEM ALL? 144 00:04:32,833 --> 00:04:35,733 "PLEASE STOP POINTING THAT GUN 145 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:36,303 AT ME," SAID HIS JUNK. 146 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:42,330 [LAUGHTER] 147 00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:43,073 JUDGES, I THINK I GOT THAT ONE 148 00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:43,397 IN. 149 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,930 I'M OUT OF TIME. 150 00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:46,173 OH, A MOTORCYCLE. 151 00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,227 I'M SURE THIS WILL GO GREAT. 152 00:04:47,233 --> 00:04:53,633 [ENGINE REVVING] 153 00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:54,703 GUYS, THAT WAS ACTUALLY HER 154 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,400 EXIT. 155 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,170 INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, WE 156 00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,097 RESEARCHED IT. 157 00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:58,730 THAT COUPLE'S NO LONGER 158 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,973 TOGETHER. 159 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,327 YEAH, WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS 160 00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:10,573 WEEK'S VIDEO BREAKDOWN. 161 00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:10,927 [CLAPPING] 162 00:05:10,933 --> 00:05:11,673 IMAGINE YOU'RE THIS GAL, DATING 163 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:12,297 THE COOLEST DUDE IN TOWN. 164 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,070 HE PICKS YOU UP FOR THE BIG DAY 165 00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:14,767 DATE. 166 00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:15,667 YOU GRASP HIS COTTON-POLY BLEND 167 00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:16,597 WOLF T-SHIRT. 168 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,070 YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THOSE LIGHT 169 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,467 BEERS BY THE RIVER LATER. 170 00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:20,827 HOPE HE REMEMBERS HIS PROMISE-- 171 00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:24,703 NO MORE WHEELIES. 172 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:25,170 [ENGINE REVVING] 173 00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,067 PAUSE IT. 174 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:29,567 [AUDIENCE GROANING] 175 00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:30,497 OFTEN IT'S HARD TO TELL IN A 176 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:31,230 RELATIONSHIP WHEN THINGS BEGIN 177 00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:34,173 TO SOUR. 178 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,097 BUT FOR THEM, IT'S EXACTLY AT 179 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,670 THIS MOMENT. 180 00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:41,097 IF YOU BACK IT UP, YEAH, AT THIS 181 00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:41,730 POINT, IT WAS GOING GREAT. 182 00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:42,473 IN FACT, THAT MORNING SHE TOLD 183 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:46,197 HER FRIENDS SHE THINKS RICHIE 184 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:46,930 MIGHT POP THE QUESTION AT THE 185 00:05:46,933 --> 00:05:47,703 RIVER LATER. 186 00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:48,400 BUT HERE, UH-UH, NOT SO MUCH. 187 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,630 SOME DOUBTS CREPT IN. 188 00:05:49,633 --> 00:05:50,703 IS HE THE RIGHT MAN? 189 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:51,930 AM I READY? 190 00:05:51,933 --> 00:05:53,073 BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR HER. 191 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:54,497 THE LETTING GO PART, WHAT IS 192 00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:55,570 THAT THINKING? 193 00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:56,567 LIKE, HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW WHEN 194 00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:57,267 YOU'RE THE PASSENGER IN THIS 195 00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:57,767 SITUATION. 196 00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,427 THIS WHEELIE IS PRETTY SCARY. 197 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:00,633 THERE'S A CHANCE HE DOESN'T PULL 198 00:06:00,633 --> 00:06:02,073 THIS OFF, A CHANCE. 199 00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:02,767 HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW IF YOU LET 200 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:07,827 GO. 201 00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:10,533 "I WILL AT THE VERY LEAST BE IN 202 00:06:10,533 --> 00:06:11,273 A LOT OF PAIN, "AND I CERTAINLY 203 00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:12,327 WON'T BE GETTING DRUNK AT THE 204 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:14,073 RIVER LATER TONIGHT." 205 00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:15,297 ANOTHER REASON THIS RELATIONSHIP 206 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:16,070 WAS DOOMED, RICHIE NEVER EVEN 207 00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,927 SLOWED DOWN. 208 00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:21,273 NO, HE KEPT RIGHT ON GOING. 209 00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:22,067 HE KNOWS WHAT'S BACK THERE-- A 210 00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:24,967 MINIMUM OF FIVE HOURS IN THE 211 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:25,597 EMERGENCY ROOM TRYING TO 212 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,300 CONVINCE HER THAT SHE'S EVEN 213 00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:29,070 SEXIER WITHOUT A CHIN. 214 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:29,867 SO INSTEAD, HE MADE A 215 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,427 SPLIT-SECOND DECISION TO GAS IT 216 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:33,903 TO HIS BUDDY'S PLACE TO UPLOAD 217 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,400 THIS VIDEO FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, 218 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,070 AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU, 219 00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,627 RICHIE. 220 00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,273 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MISS 221 00:06:39,267 --> 00:06:55,197 TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA. 222 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,200 I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S. 223 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,730 AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO 224 00:06:57,733 --> 00:06:58,533 BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN 225 00:06:58,533 --> 00:06:59,373 OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS. 226 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:00,667 AND I BELIEVE THEIR EDUCATION, 227 00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:07,367 LIKE, SUCH AS IN SOUTH AFRICA 228 00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:08,127 AND THE IRAQ, EVERYWHERE, LIKE, 229 00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:09,173 SUCH AS, AND I BELIEVE THAT THE 230 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,527 SHOULD-- OUR EDUCATION OVER 231 00:07:10,533 --> 00:07:11,873 HERE, IN THE U.S., SHOULD HELP 232 00:07:11,867 --> 00:07:12,597 THE U.S.-- OR SHOULD HELP SOUTH 233 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,370 AFRICA. 234 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,567 IT SHOULD HELP THE IRAQ AND THE 235 00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:18,327 ASIAN COUNTRIES, SO WE WILL BE 236 00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:20,703 ABLE TO BUILD UP OUR FUTURE. 237 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:21,370 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SOUTH 238 00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:24,467 CAROLINA. 239 00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:27,797 THAT SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME. 240 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,300 OKAY, HARD TO WATCH WITH VOLUME. 241 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:31,200 BUT LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO SOUND 242 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:31,900 INTELLIGENT WITH VASELINE ON 243 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,400 YOUR TEETH. 244 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:35,070 UNFORTUNATELY FOR MISS TEEN 245 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:38,067 SOUTH CAROLINA, YOU DON'T GET A 246 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:38,697 SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST 247 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:39,300 IMPRESSION. 248 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,630 AS OF TODAY, OVER 50 MILLION 249 00:07:41,633 --> 00:07:42,533 PEOPLE WATCHED HER HAVE A 250 00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:45,433 FULL-ON BRAIN SHART, 251 00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:46,733 WHICH MEANS, STATISTICALLY, TEN 252 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:47,473 MILLION OF THOSE PEOPLE DIDN'T 253 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,897 KNOW THE ANSWER EITHER. 254 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,870 MARIO LOPEZ DIDN'T KNOW THE 255 00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:52,727 ANSWER, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP HIM 256 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:53,473 FROM SMIRKING NEXT TO HER IN HIS 257 00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:56,067 OPEN-NECK BLOUSE. 258 00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:57,227 CLOSE UP THAT [BLEEP] SHIRT, 259 00:07:57,233 --> 00:07:59,373 VALDERRAMA. 260 00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,667 IT'S DISTRACTING. 261 00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:03,527 GOD USUALLY DON'T LIKE TO DEAL 262 00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:04,473 WITH BOTH HANDS. 263 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:05,197 DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS GUY IS SO 264 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,370 SMART? 265 00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:07,067 BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED LIKE 266 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:09,697 THIS GUY. 267 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:12,330 BUT HEY, IF YOU'RE DROP-DEAD 268 00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,073 GORGEOUS, EMBRACE IT; THAT'S 269 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:13,597 YOUR THING. 270 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,300 WHAT ARE WE DOING ASKING YOU 271 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:18,300 QUESTIONS ANYWAY? 272 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,070 IF YOU CAN DO ONE THING RIGHT, 273 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,427 THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 274 00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:22,233 IF YOU CAN SING, IT'S OKAY IF 275 00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,673 YOU'RE A TERRIBLE ACTOR. 276 00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:25,667 AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT 277 00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,067 YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IT'S OKAY 278 00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:28,897 JUST TO SIT AND GIGGLE AND BE 279 00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:30,900 GRATEFUL THAT AT LEAST YOU CAN 280 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,300 PUT THOUGHTS INTO A COHERENT 281 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:33,070 SENTENCE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE 282 00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:36,327 CAN'T. 283 00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:37,073 ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS MEAN. 284 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,867 I'M SORRY. 285 00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:41,597 I USUALLY TRY TO SAVE THE LOW 286 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,330 BLOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD 287 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:44,733 AT ANYTHING AT ALL. 288 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,773 BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOUR 289 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,127 BUDDIES SAY THEY WOULDN'T DATE 290 00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,473 HER BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SMART 291 00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:49,867 ENOUGH, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING 292 00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:52,297 TO TELL YOU IS THEY'RE GAY. 293 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:56,470 YOU WERE ROBBED. 294 00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:57,197 LISTEN, MAYBE SHE JUST RAN OUT 295 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:57,930 OF TIME. 296 00:08:57,933 --> 00:09:00,603 SO WE FIXED IT. 297 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,230 WE GAVE MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA 298 00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:03,633 FIVE MORE MINUTES TO ONCE AGAIN 299 00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:04,403 MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION IN THIS 300 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:10,900 WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 301 00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:12,600 CAITIE. 302 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,330 HOO! 303 00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,203 HELLO. 304 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,130 HEY. 305 00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,103 HOW ARE YOU? 306 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,500 I'M SO GOOD. 307 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,370 SHH. 308 00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,297 THIS IS RIGHT. 309 00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,370 YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. 310 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:26,367 THANK YOU. 311 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:29,067 NO, NO, NO, I SAY THAT TO MYSELF 312 00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:29,797 EVERY DAY. 313 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,470 LAUREN CAITLIN UPTON, WHAT 314 00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:30,967 SHOULD I CALL YOU? 315 00:09:30,967 --> 00:09:31,297 CAITIE. 316 00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:36,900 MISS SOUTH CAROLINA. 317 00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:37,500 COME ON AND RAISE UP. 318 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:38,170 NOW TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. 319 00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:38,867 HAVE YOU EVER SANG THAT SONG? 320 00:09:38,867 --> 00:09:41,897 OH, [BLEEP]. 321 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:42,630 PEOPLE DON'T HIGH FIVE ANYMORE? 322 00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:45,073 GOT IT. 323 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,727 CAITIE, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL 324 00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,273 OUTFIT. 325 00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:51,227 BUT I WAS HOPING THAT YOU 326 00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:52,073 WOULDN'T MIND WEARING THE DRESS. 327 00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,197 WHAT DRESS? 328 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,900 FROM THE PAGEANT. 329 00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:56,370 HUH? 330 00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:59,297 THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD. 331 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,970 OKAY, IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD 332 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,727 DO TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD? 333 00:10:04,733 --> 00:10:06,703 SO I HAVE TO ASK YOU, CAITIE, 334 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:11,100 WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED UP THERE? 335 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,470 I MEAN, I WAS JUST HAVING AN 336 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:14,267 OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE, AND IT 337 00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:14,827 WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE. 338 00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:16,303 IT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY. 339 00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:19,200 EXCEPT FOR YOURS, 50 MILLION 340 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:24,200 PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED. 341 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:24,970 HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR LIFE HAS 342 00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:25,697 BEEN AFFECTED BY THAT VIDEO CLIP 343 00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:28,170 ON THE INTERNET? 344 00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:31,697 IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD 345 00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:32,370 EVER HAPPEN TO ME. 346 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,097 I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PURSUE MY 347 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,670 MODELING CAREER. 348 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:34,467 I LIVE IN NEW YORK. 349 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,497 I TRAVEL THE WORLD. 350 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,170 I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A 351 00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:37,797 BETTER LIFE. 352 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,000 DIG IN. 353 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:39,830 I AM, I'M DOING IT. 354 00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:41,433 YOU DIG IN. 355 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:43,103 I CAN'T EAT. 356 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:43,800 I'LL NEVER GET BACK INTO THIS 357 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,070 DRESS. 358 00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:47,167 IT'S DELICIOUS. 359 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:50,127 A LOT OF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF YOU 360 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:53,673 WHEN THEY SAW THAT CLIP ONLINE. 361 00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:54,627 AND WHAT I SAY TO THEM IS, "I'D 362 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:55,373 LIKE TO SEE YOU "STAND IN FRONT 363 00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,267 OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON 364 00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:57,027 NATIONAL TELEVISION, NEXT TO 365 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,703 SLATER." 366 00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,700 AND I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO 367 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,700 SAY, "I'VE MADE MISTAKES WITH 368 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,870 MARIO, SURE." 369 00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:05,727 LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. 370 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:06,473 THIS IS ME ON A BANANA BOAT WITH 371 00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,067 MARIO LOPEZ. 372 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:08,667 NEVER MIND THE RICK ASTLEY 373 00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:11,427 HAIRCUT. 374 00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,073 I'M ON A BANANA BOAT WITH 375 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,167 SLATER. 376 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,197 I MUST HAVE SAID THAT A THOUSAND 377 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,230 TIMES THAT DAY. 378 00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:16,933 THIS RIGHT HERE IS ONE OF THE 379 00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:19,173 BIGGEST REGRETS OF MY LIFE... 380 00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,067 BESIDES THE ABORTION. 381 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,797 [LAUGHS] 382 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,170 OKAY. 383 00:11:22,167 --> 00:11:23,297 NO, NO, NO, NO. 384 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,100 BUT PLEASE DON'T, DON'T RUN. 385 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,400 I'D HATE TO CHASE YOU. 386 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,130 OKAY, CAITIE, LISTEN, THE WORLD 387 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:28,633 WANTS TO KNOW. 388 00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:29,403 ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER 389 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,130 SHOT? 390 00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:32,773 I THINK SO. 391 00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:38,127 OKAY, THEN GIVE ME YOUR GUM. 392 00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:43,433 DO NOT [BLEEP] THIS UP. 393 00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:44,703 RECENT POLLS HAVE SHOWN 1/5 OF 394 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:45,600 AMERICANS CAN'T LOCATE THE U.S. 395 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,230 ON A WORLD MAP. 396 00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:57,133 WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS? 397 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,873 I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S. 398 00:11:58,867 --> 00:11:59,897 AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO 399 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,370 BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN 400 00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:03,897 OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS AND-- 401 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:09,330 [THUD] 402 00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:11,203 SORRY, MY BAD. 403 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:11,970 I DON'T KNOW. 404 00:12:11,967 --> 00:12:12,597 THANK YOU, SOUTH CAROLINA. 405 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:12,970 GAME OVER. 406 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:13,697 MISS TEEN USA. 407 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:19,900 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 408 00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:20,500 OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE. 409 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,230 ENJOY YOUR MOMENT. 410 00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:24,403 THIS IS INCREDIBLE. 411 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,400 NAILED IT. 412 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,500 HA, AMERICA! 413 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,430 OH, YOU LOVE TO SEE SOMEONE 414 00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:30,733 FAIL. 415 00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,403 HOW 'BOUT WHEN SOMEBODY'S A 416 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,870 WINNER? 417 00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,297 IT'S A BEAUTY PAGEANT, AMERICA. 418 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,870 NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP] WHAT'S 419 00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:37,727 GOING ON UP HERE. 420 00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:39,233 OH, MY GOODNESS. 421 00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:39,733 LOOK AT HER BUTT. 422 00:12:39,733 --> 00:12:44,773 WOW. 423 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:45,497 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID 424 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,930 KOECHNER. 425 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,933 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 426 00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:51,633 MALE ANNOUNCER: AND NOW IT'S 427 00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,073 TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK. 428 00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:54,727 I'M GONNA SCARE MY COUSIN WITH 429 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:58,803 THIS. 430 00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,570 AHH! 431 00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,327 OHH. 432 00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:02,073 OH, MY GOD. 433 00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:04,367 [BLEEP], MY GOD. 434 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,897 OHH! 435 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:06,700 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING 436 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,430 TO [BLEEP] SCARE ME, YOU PIECE 437 00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:08,303 OF [BLEEP]. 438 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,700 ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE 439 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,970 PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO 440 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:36,927 YOU BY BURGER KING. 441 00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:37,973 [AIR HORN SOUNDS] 442 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,867 [ORCHESTRAL FANFARE] 443 00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:40,667 NOW THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A VIRAL 444 00:13:40,667 --> 00:13:41,967 VIDEO-- SHORT AND SWEET. 445 00:13:41,967 --> 00:13:43,397 AND NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FOR 446 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,230 NATHAN, WHO ON TAKE SEVEN 447 00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:44,973 STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT SPINE 448 00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:47,467 TINGLES. 449 00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:48,627 THAT'S HOW YOU EXPLOIT A LITTLE 450 00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:53,533 PERSON, CARLOS. 451 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,073 I MEAN NED. 452 00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,567 RIGHT. 453 00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:00,167 OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 454 00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:02,067 PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN/ACTOR 455 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:02,927 DAVID KOECHNER. 456 00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:03,873 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 457 00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:06,327 DAVID. 458 00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,303 OH. HEY. 459 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,870 HOW ARE YOU, DANNY? 460 00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:11,467 I'M GOOD. 461 00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,627 DID I WAKE YOU? 462 00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:14,133 OH, I'M SORRY. 463 00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:14,733 I WAS ASLEEP, WASN'T I? 464 00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,673 I'M SORRY. 465 00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:18,397 I CAME IN HERE TO DO THE CHAT, 466 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,800 AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP. 467 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,730 YOUR BROTHER'S IN TOWN WITH HIS 468 00:14:23,733 --> 00:14:24,333 KIDS, AND I CAN'T SLEEP 469 00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:25,133 ANYWHERE. 470 00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:26,573 QUIET! 471 00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:27,897 DAVE-- 472 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,630 I'M DOING A TV SHOW! 473 00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:30,373 HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE 474 00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:30,897 IDEA FOR-- 475 00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:31,770 I'M SORRY, WHAT IS IT? 476 00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:32,497 HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA 477 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,200 FOR DOING THESE FLOWER SHOP 478 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,270 VIDEOS? 479 00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:39,567 OH, IT'S JUST, UH-- THEY'RE 480 00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:40,467 BASED IN REALITY, SO IT'S KIND 481 00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,627 OF A REALITY-BASED COMEDY 482 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,403 ROUTINE FROM ACTUAL EVENTS 483 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:48,070 OF MY LIFE. 484 00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:50,067 WELL, THEY'RE VERY FUNNY. 485 00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:51,067 THANK YOU, DAVID. 486 00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:53,367 LET'S ROLL THE CLIP. 487 00:14:53,367 --> 00:14:57,797 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 488 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,470 HI. 489 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,627 HI. 490 00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:04,973 HOW ARE YOU? 491 00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:07,867 - WELL. YOU? 492 00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:13,367 - GOOD. 493 00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,067 I'D LIKE A BOUQUET 494 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:15,727 OF RED ROSES FOR MY WIFE, 495 00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:16,403 AND I WOULD LIKE THE CARD-- 496 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:16,930 OH, IS THERE A CARD? 497 00:15:16,933 --> 00:15:23,433 OH, SURE. 498 00:15:23,433 --> 00:15:24,173 YEAH, I'D LIKE 499 00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,067 THE CARD TO READ, 500 00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,227 "[BLEEP] YOU 501 00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:28,903 AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY." 502 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:29,400 WAIT, OH, I KNOW. 503 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,600 DO THIS. 504 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,930 NEW CARD--RIGHT. 505 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,833 WRITE, "[BLEEP] YOU." 506 00:15:37,833 --> 00:15:42,233 - OKAY. 507 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,133 AND THEN 508 00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:45,473 IN ANOTHER CARD, 509 00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:46,567 IT'LL BE JUST BEHIND 510 00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,797 THAT CARD IN THE ENVELOPE, 511 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,700 AND IT'LL SAY... 512 00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,270 [CLEARS THROAT] 513 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,767 "AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY." 514 00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:54,327 - SO WHEN SHE GETS IT, 515 00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:56,073 SHE OPENS IT UP LIKE, 516 00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:56,767 "[BLEEP] YOU." 517 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,467 OOH! 518 00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,127 AND THEN SHE SEES 519 00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,673 THE NEXT ONE--BA-BOOM. 520 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:01,127 "AND [BLEEP] 521 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,633 YOUR FAMILY TOO." 522 00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:03,573 AND THEN THE FLOWERS 523 00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:04,967 WILL BE LIKE, 524 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:05,827 OH, I THOUGHT 525 00:16:05,833 --> 00:16:07,233 THEY WERE SOMETHING GOOD, 526 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,073 BUT IT'S KIND OF LIKE 527 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,627 THE THIRD "[BLEEP] YOU" 528 00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:11,603 'CAUSE THEN SHE REALIZES, 529 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,070 OH, THESE ARE 530 00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:14,567 SARCASTIC FLOWERS. 531 00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,327 I'M JUST KIDDING. 532 00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:16,703 I'M JUST--PUT THOSE AWAY. 533 00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,170 THROW THOSE AWAY. 534 00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:19,797 WRITE, UM, UM, 535 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,170 "TO MY LOVING WIFE. 536 00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,197 "I'M SO HAPPY 537 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,770 THAT YOUR FAMILY 538 00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,167 "IS VISITING 539 00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:26,497 FOR THE HOLIDAYS. 540 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,200 LOVE, DAVID." 541 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,230 - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAVID. 542 00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:31,633 [APPLAUSE] 543 00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:32,673 AND KEEP CHECKING IN 544 00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:34,567 AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 545 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:36,897 WHERE WE'LL BE RELEASING 546 00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:37,530 NEW EPISODES OF 547 00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,973 THE FLOWER SHOP 548 00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:41,497 DIRECTLY TO OUR WEBSITE. 549 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,400 AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, 550 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,670 UPLOAD YOUR OWN ORIGINAL VIDEOS 551 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:44,167 FOR A CHANCE TO BE 552 00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,567 OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK. 553 00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,227 HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER. 554 00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:49,133 - YOU, UH--YOU LIKE 555 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,373 THAT DRINK I GOT YOU? 556 00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:50,967 - YEAH. 557 00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:52,497 IT'S GOOD. 558 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:53,070 - ENJOYING IT, 559 00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,267 YOUR BEVERAGE? 560 00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:54,827 - YEAH, MAN, 561 00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:56,273 IT'S A GOOD BEVERAGE. 562 00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,067 - ALL RIGHT. 563 00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,727 SO, UH--SO YOU LIKE 564 00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,933 DRINKING PISS? 565 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,703 - YEAH. 566 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,270 YEAH. 567 00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,967 - IT'S GOOD PISS? 568 00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:07,327 - UH-HUH. 569 00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,373 IT'S REALLY GOOD PISS. 570 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:09,867 - YEAH. 571 00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:10,427 YOU KNOW WHOSE PISS 572 00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:11,703 THAT IS? 573 00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,570 - NO. WHOSE? 574 00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:14,227 - RUDY. 575 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,673 - RUDY WHO? 576 00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:16,167 - RUDY. 577 00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,697 - RUDY, THE DOG, RUDY? 578 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,430 OH, MY GOD, DUDE. 579 00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:19,973 I CAN'T BELIEVE-- 580 00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,197 OH, [BLEEP]! 581 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,330 UGH! 582 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,173 OH! 583 00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:27,727 [LAUGHTER] 584 00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:28,273 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 585 00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:31,467 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 586 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,097 I'M EATING [BLEEP] 587 00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,070 SO I CAN GET 588 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:35,497 THE DOG PISS TASTE 589 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,070 OUT OF MY MOUTH, MAN. 590 00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:37,567 - DUDE, DUDE, 591 00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:38,797 THAT'S DOG [BLEEP]. 592 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:39,570 - WHAT? 593 00:17:39,567 --> 00:18:21,627 OH! 594 00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:22,303 [BRUSH WHIRRING] 595 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:22,930 [SULTRY MUSIC] 596 00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:23,573 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 597 00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:24,667 WOW. 598 00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:25,397 I NEVER THOUGHT BRUSHING YOUR 599 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,070 TEETH COULD BE SO DIRTY. 600 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:26,527 AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, 601 00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:27,303 WE PREMIERED LAST WEEK, AND THE 602 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:27,930 REVIEWS HAVE BEEN GLOWING. 603 00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:28,303 LIKE THIS. 604 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:28,930 "TOSH.0 WAS BETTER THAN I 605 00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,873 EXPECTED." 606 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:33,667 THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A WEB JUNK. 607 00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:38,797 TURNED TO BE A PRETTY GOOD SOUP 608 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,870 TAKEOFF 609 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:40,497 THAT'S FROM WICKEDNEMESIS, 610 00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:41,130 WHO USUALLY ISN'T SO KIND, 611 00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:41,573 SO THANK YOU. 612 00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,727 THIS ONE'S FROM ANOTHER BIG 613 00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:45,073 PUBLICATION. 614 00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:48,167 YOUR SHOW THE COOLEST RUN. 615 00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:48,867 "GRANTED I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO. 616 00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:49,597 YOURS IS THE BEST ONE OF THOSE 617 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,570 TWO." 618 00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:52,267 IT'S NICE TO BE NUMBER ONE. 619 00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:52,967 AND I SAVED 620 00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:54,467 THE BEST FOR LAST. 621 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,067 "CINNAMON PLUS CRACKER 622 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,097 PLUS SALVIA PLUS WHATEVER, 623 00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,870 "THE BEST MINUTE ON TV. 624 00:18:58,867 --> 00:18:59,797 THE REST WAS DON'T WANT 625 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,600 TO BE SUCKING YOUR [BLEEP]." 626 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,770 PRETTY GOOD. 627 00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:08,567 CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE. 628 00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:09,397 ALL RIGHT, 629 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,100 THAT'S A BIT TOO FAR, CBURNS. 630 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,070 BUT LET'S NOT POP THE CORK 631 00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:13,627 ON THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE 632 00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:15,533 JUST YET. 633 00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:16,073 ALL THOSE REVIEWS 634 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,497 ARE FROM TWITTER, 635 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,070 SO CONSIDER THE SOURCE, 636 00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:19,497 ESPECIALLY SINCE 637 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,200 OVER 2 MILLION PEOPLE 638 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:21,800 FIND IT NECESSARY 639 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,070 TO FOLLOW ASHTON KUTCHER. 640 00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,697 UGH. 641 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:25,470 YEAH, WE GET IT. 642 00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:26,597 YOUR LIFE IS SO INTERESTING. 643 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,200 THAT'S WHY WE AT TOSH.0 644 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:28,730 WOULD LIKE 645 00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:30,873 TO OFFICIALLY LAUNCH 646 00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,297 THE UNFOLLOW CAMPAIGN. 647 00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:33,870 AND THIS WEEK, 648 00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,127 IT'S YOU, ASHTON. 649 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,703 FOR EVERY ONE MILLION PEOPLE 650 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:37,100 THAT WE GET 651 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,630 TO UNFOLLOW ASHTON, 652 00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:39,203 WE AT TOSH.0 653 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,500 WILL SEND A CHILD TO COLLEGE. 654 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:41,970 COMMUNITY. 655 00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,767 I MEAN, REALLY. 656 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:44,497 IF HE CAN GET 657 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:45,870 2 MILLION FOLLOWERS 658 00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:46,827 JUST BE EXPLOITING DEMI 659 00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:49,073 IN HER GRANNY PANTIES-- 660 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,697 [AUDIENCE GROANS, CHUCKLES] 661 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:51,400 THAT'S A GRANNY 662 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,730 IN GRANNY PANTIES. 663 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,673 THAT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT. 664 00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:55,127 THAT'S MORE LIKE 665 00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:56,603 DEMI'S UNDERWEAR. 666 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,500 SO SHOWING DEMI IS THE KEY. 667 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,070 GOT IT. 668 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,367 THEN SHOWING A PICTURE OF HER 669 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,897 BACK IN THE '80S 670 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:02,930 SHOULD REALLY HELP 671 00:20:02,933 --> 00:20:04,273 OUR SHOW'S FOLLOWING. 672 00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:05,797 [AUDIENCE OOHS] 673 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,570 OH, YES. 674 00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:09,627 I KNOW, I KNOW. 675 00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:11,403 IT SHEDS TWICE A YEAR. 676 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,530 [LAUGHTER] 677 00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:26,903 PLEASE. 678 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:27,630 I KEEP WAITING FOR A CAMERA CREW 679 00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:28,103 TO COME RUNNING 680 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,330 OUT OF HER PUBES 681 00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:30,873 TO TELL ME I'M ON PUNK'D. 682 00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:37,567 [LAUGHTER] 683 00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:38,167 NOW, I KNOW YOU AT HOME 684 00:20:38,167 --> 00:20:39,227 CAN'T SEE ANYTHING, 685 00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:39,873 BUT THE STUDIO'S RESPONSE 686 00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:40,797 SHOULD TELL YOU 687 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:41,270 THERE'S A REASON 688 00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:42,427 THIS IS COMPLETELY BLURRED. 689 00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:43,033 AND I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED 690 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:43,903 THAT WE HAVE ENOUGH BLUR. 691 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,430 IT'S HUGE. 692 00:20:45,433 --> 00:20:47,003 IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE PHOTO-- 693 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,070 AND I WARN YOU, 694 00:20:48,067 --> 00:20:49,397 YOU DON'T-- 695 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,130 GO TO 696 00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,503 COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0. 697 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,200 MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK 698 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,670 WHEN THE PUKE KID COMES BY. 699 00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:54,127 WHO'S HE? 700 00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,273 [CHUCKLES] 701 00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:56,927 I DON'T KNOW. 702 00:20:56,933 --> 00:20:58,403 I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT, 703 00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,100 BUT I'M PRETTY SURE 704 00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,630 HE'S GONNA PUKE. 705 00:21:00,633 --> 00:21:01,603 GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS. 706 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,370 I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 707 00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:06,227 YEAH! 708 00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:09,403 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 709 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:09,870 THANK YOU. 42324

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