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[ROCK MUSIC].
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YEAH
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YEAH!
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HEY, HEY, HEY
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HEY, HEY, HEY
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HEY, HEY
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YEAH!
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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THANK YOU.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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YEAH!
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AUDIENCE: YEAH!
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OH, THAT'S A REAL AUDIENCE.
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THAT WAS SODAHEAD13,AND HE LIKES
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TO CRANK MUSIC AND CHUG SODA.
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SURE, HE MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD AT
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IT, BUT HE MORE THAN MAKES UP
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FOR IT WITH SHOWMANSHIP,SO BACK
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OFF, HATERS.
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YEAH!
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I START EACH AND EVERY DAY
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WATCHING A SODAHEAD CHUG VIDEO.
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YEAH!
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IT'S BETTER THAN A CUP OF BLACK
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COFFEE.
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YEAH!
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ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE SHOW.
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YEAH!
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TONIGHT, MISS TEEN SOUTH
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CAROLINA, SUCH AS, BEGS FOR A
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WEB REDEMPTION, SUCH AS.
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AND COMEDIAN/ACTOR DAVID
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KOECHNER STOPS BY.
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WITH HIS FIRST EPISODE OF THE
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FLOWER SHOP.
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AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE
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GREATEST CLIPS THIS WEEK ON THE
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WEB.
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GOD, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A
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CLIP SHOW.
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LET'S ROLL THE FIRST CLIP.
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AW, THIS WEEK BRET MICHAELS,
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STAR OF ROCK OF LOVE, MADE IT TO
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BROADWAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IS HE DEAD?
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HE CAN'T DIE.
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HE HASN'T FOUND LOVE YET.
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DON'T WORRY,
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HAD THAT SET KILLED YOU,
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IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE CLOSE TO THE
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MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT
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HAPPENED THIS WEEK.
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ANYBODY HEAR ABOUT HOW DAVID
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CARRADINE PASSED AWAY?
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[LAUGHTER]
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JUST LIKE MY GRANDFATHER--
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HANGING IN THE CLOSET IN BANGKOK
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WITH A BELT AROUND HIS NECK,
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PLEASURING HIMSELF.
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TOO SOON?
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SELF-DEFENSE, GUYS.
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IT'S VERY SERIOUS.
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KHAKIS, CHECK.
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BROWN BRAIDED BELT, CHECK.
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POLO SHIRT, CHECK.
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COMMUNITY THEATER CURTAIN,CHECK.
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OKAY, LET'S SHOOT THIS GAY
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THING.
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YOU WOULD STEP TO YOUR LEFT,
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REACHING BACK WITH YOUR RIGHT
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HAND, GRABBING TESTICLES, AND
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SQUEEZING.
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SWEEP THE TESTICLES.
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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
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NO, SENSEI.
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SWEEP THE TESTICLES.
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NO MERCY.
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[LAUGHS]
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GET HIM A BODY BAG,
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JOHNNY!
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[TAPPING SOUNDS]
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DO YOU HEAR THAT?
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I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK TO
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KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG.
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COME ON.
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NO!
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IT'S STEP, BALL CHANGE, BRUSH
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STEP.
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HEEL DIG, STEP.
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FROM THE TOP.
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AND PULL UP YOUR SOCK.
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I'D LOSE THE UMBRELLA IF YOU
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WANT PEOPLE AT DANCING WITH THE
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STARS TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET'S MOVE ON SO EVERYBODY
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DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH TWO HOURS
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OF SPORTSCENTER BEFORE THEY GO
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TO SLEEP TONIGHT.
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[GUN FIRING]
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TIME TO MAKE FUN OF YOU.
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LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN POST IN 20
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SECONDS.
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WEIRD, A LEFT-HANDED GUNMAN.
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YOU DON'T SEE MANY OF THOSE.
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I DIDN'T GO FAT.
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GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
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TYPE 2 DIABETES KILLS PEOPLE.
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TEN TO ONE, HE'S WEARING
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ELASTIC.
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HEY, WHO SHOT ME?
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MAYBE IT WAS THAT MOUNTAIN IN A
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WINDBREAKER.
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GOOD THING HE'S WEARING EAR
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PROTECTION.
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I'M SURE HE'LL LIVE LONG ENOUGH
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FOR THAT TO MATTER.
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EVERYONE DOWN, THERE'S A BEAR
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WITH A GUN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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GUNS ARE GREAT.
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BUT GUNS IN BIKINIS, SEXY.
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[AUDIENCE GROANING]
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YEAH, YEAH.
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YOU KNOW WHAT'S DISTURBING ABOUT
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THIS PHOTO?
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NOTHING.
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THIS GUY IS FREAKING AWESOME.
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RELOAD.
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PUT 20 SECONDS BACK ON THE
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CLOCK.
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IS THAT A FAKE TAN BETWEEN HIS
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LEGS OR IS THAT A RASH?
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"I DON'T WANT TO SMILE.
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JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, MOM."
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NICE EYEBROW.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DUDE IN
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1-A.
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YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT GUNS LIKE
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I AIN'T GOT NONE.
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WHAT YOU THINK, I SOLD THEM ALL?
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"PLEASE STOP POINTING THAT GUN
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AT ME," SAID HIS JUNK.
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[LAUGHTER]
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JUDGES, I THINK I GOT THAT ONE
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IN.
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I'M OUT OF TIME.
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OH, A MOTORCYCLE.
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I'M SURE THIS WILL GO GREAT.
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[ENGINE REVVING]
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GUYS, THAT WAS ACTUALLY HER
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EXIT.
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INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, WE
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RESEARCHED IT.
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THAT COUPLE'S NO LONGER
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TOGETHER.
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YEAH, WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS
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WEEK'S VIDEO BREAKDOWN.
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[CLAPPING]
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IMAGINE YOU'RE THIS GAL, DATING
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THE COOLEST DUDE IN TOWN.
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HE PICKS YOU UP FOR THE BIG DAY
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DATE.
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YOU GRASP HIS COTTON-POLY BLEND
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WOLF T-SHIRT.
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YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THOSE LIGHT
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BEERS BY THE RIVER LATER.
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HOPE HE REMEMBERS HIS PROMISE--
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NO MORE WHEELIES.
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[ENGINE REVVING]
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PAUSE IT.
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[AUDIENCE GROANING]
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OFTEN IT'S HARD TO TELL IN A
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RELATIONSHIP WHEN THINGS BEGIN
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TO SOUR.
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BUT FOR THEM, IT'S EXACTLY AT
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THIS MOMENT.
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IF YOU BACK IT UP, YEAH, AT THIS
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POINT, IT WAS GOING GREAT.
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IN FACT, THAT MORNING SHE TOLD
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HER FRIENDS SHE THINKS RICHIE
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MIGHT POP THE QUESTION AT THE
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RIVER LATER.
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BUT HERE, UH-UH, NOT SO MUCH.
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SOME DOUBTS CREPT IN.
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IS HE THE RIGHT MAN?
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AM I READY?
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BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR HER.
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THE LETTING GO PART, WHAT IS
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THAT THINKING?
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LIKE, HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW WHEN
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YOU'RE THE PASSENGER IN THIS
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SITUATION.
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THIS WHEELIE IS PRETTY SCARY.
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THERE'S A CHANCE HE DOESN'T PULL
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THIS OFF, A CHANCE.
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HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW IF YOU LET
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GO.
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"I WILL AT THE VERY LEAST BE IN
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A LOT OF PAIN, "AND I CERTAINLY
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WON'T BE GETTING DRUNK AT THE
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RIVER LATER TONIGHT."
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ANOTHER REASON THIS RELATIONSHIP
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WAS DOOMED, RICHIE NEVER EVEN
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SLOWED DOWN.
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NO, HE KEPT RIGHT ON GOING.
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HE KNOWS WHAT'S BACK THERE-- A
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MINIMUM OF FIVE HOURS IN THE
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EMERGENCY ROOM TRYING TO
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CONVINCE HER THAT SHE'S EVEN
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SEXIER WITHOUT A CHIN.
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SO INSTEAD, HE MADE A
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SPLIT-SECOND DECISION TO GAS IT
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TO HIS BUDDY'S PLACE TO UPLOAD
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THIS VIDEO FOR THE WORLD TO SEE,
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AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU,
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RICHIE.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MISS
221
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TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA.
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I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.
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AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO
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BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN
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OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS.
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AND I BELIEVE THEIR EDUCATION,
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LIKE, SUCH AS IN SOUTH AFRICA
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AND THE IRAQ, EVERYWHERE, LIKE,
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SUCH AS, AND I BELIEVE THAT THE
230
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,527
SHOULD-- OUR EDUCATION OVER
231
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HERE, IN THE U.S., SHOULD HELP
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THE U.S.-- OR SHOULD HELP SOUTH
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AFRICA.
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IT SHOULD HELP THE IRAQ AND THE
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ASIAN COUNTRIES, SO WE WILL BE
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ABLE TO BUILD UP OUR FUTURE.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SOUTH
238
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CAROLINA.
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THAT SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME.
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OKAY, HARD TO WATCH WITH VOLUME.
241
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BUT LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO SOUND
242
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INTELLIGENT WITH VASELINE ON
243
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YOUR TEETH.
244
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UNFORTUNATELY FOR MISS TEEN
245
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SOUTH CAROLINA, YOU DON'T GET A
246
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SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST
247
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IMPRESSION.
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AS OF TODAY, OVER 50 MILLION
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PEOPLE WATCHED HER HAVE A
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FULL-ON BRAIN SHART,
251
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WHICH MEANS, STATISTICALLY, TEN
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MILLION OF THOSE PEOPLE DIDN'T
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KNOW THE ANSWER EITHER.
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MARIO LOPEZ DIDN'T KNOW THE
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00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:52,727
ANSWER, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP HIM
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FROM SMIRKING NEXT TO HER IN HIS
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OPEN-NECK BLOUSE.
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CLOSE UP THAT [BLEEP] SHIRT,
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VALDERRAMA.
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IT'S DISTRACTING.
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GOD USUALLY DON'T LIKE TO DEAL
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WITH BOTH HANDS.
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DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS GUY IS SO
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SMART?
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BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED LIKE
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THIS GUY.
267
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:12,330
BUT HEY, IF YOU'RE DROP-DEAD
268
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,073
GORGEOUS, EMBRACE IT; THAT'S
269
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:13,597
YOUR THING.
270
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,300
WHAT ARE WE DOING ASKING YOU
271
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:18,300
QUESTIONS ANYWAY?
272
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,070
IF YOU CAN DO ONE THING RIGHT,
273
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,427
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
274
00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:22,233
IF YOU CAN SING, IT'S OKAY IF
275
00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,673
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE ACTOR.
276
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:25,667
AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
277
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,067
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IT'S OKAY
278
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:28,897
JUST TO SIT AND GIGGLE AND BE
279
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:30,900
GRATEFUL THAT AT LEAST YOU CAN
280
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,300
PUT THOUGHTS INTO A COHERENT
281
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:33,070
SENTENCE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE
282
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:36,327
CAN'T.
283
00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:37,073
ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS MEAN.
284
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,867
I'M SORRY.
285
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:41,597
I USUALLY TRY TO SAVE THE LOW
286
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,330
BLOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD
287
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:44,733
AT ANYTHING AT ALL.
288
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,773
BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOUR
289
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,127
BUDDIES SAY THEY WOULDN'T DATE
290
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,473
HER BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SMART
291
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:49,867
ENOUGH, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING
292
00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:52,297
TO TELL YOU IS THEY'RE GAY.
293
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:56,470
YOU WERE ROBBED.
294
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:57,197
LISTEN, MAYBE SHE JUST RAN OUT
295
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:57,930
OF TIME.
296
00:08:57,933 --> 00:09:00,603
SO WE FIXED IT.
297
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,230
WE GAVE MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA
298
00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:03,633
FIVE MORE MINUTES TO ONCE AGAIN
299
00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:04,403
MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION IN THIS
300
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:10,900
WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
301
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:12,600
CAITIE.
302
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,330
HOO!
303
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,203
HELLO.
304
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,130
HEY.
305
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,103
HOW ARE YOU?
306
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,500
I'M SO GOOD.
307
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,370
SHH.
308
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,297
THIS IS RIGHT.
309
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,370
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
310
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:26,367
THANK YOU.
311
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:29,067
NO, NO, NO, I SAY THAT TO MYSELF
312
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:29,797
EVERY DAY.
313
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,470
LAUREN CAITLIN UPTON, WHAT
314
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:30,967
SHOULD I CALL YOU?
315
00:09:30,967 --> 00:09:31,297
CAITIE.
316
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:36,900
MISS SOUTH CAROLINA.
317
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:37,500
COME ON AND RAISE UP.
318
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:38,170
NOW TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
319
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:38,867
HAVE YOU EVER SANG THAT SONG?
320
00:09:38,867 --> 00:09:41,897
OH, [BLEEP].
321
00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:42,630
PEOPLE DON'T HIGH FIVE ANYMORE?
322
00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:45,073
GOT IT.
323
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,727
CAITIE, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL
324
00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,273
OUTFIT.
325
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:51,227
BUT I WAS HOPING THAT YOU
326
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:52,073
WOULDN'T MIND WEARING THE DRESS.
327
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,197
WHAT DRESS?
328
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,900
FROM THE PAGEANT.
329
00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:56,370
HUH?
330
00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:59,297
THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.
331
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,970
OKAY, IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD
332
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,727
DO TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD?
333
00:10:04,733 --> 00:10:06,703
SO I HAVE TO ASK YOU, CAITIE,
334
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:11,100
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED UP THERE?
335
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,470
I MEAN, I WAS JUST HAVING AN
336
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:14,267
OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE, AND IT
337
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:14,827
WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.
338
00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:16,303
IT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.
339
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:19,200
EXCEPT FOR YOURS, 50 MILLION
340
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:24,200
PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED.
341
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:24,970
HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR LIFE HAS
342
00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:25,697
BEEN AFFECTED BY THAT VIDEO CLIP
343
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:28,170
ON THE INTERNET?
344
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:31,697
IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD
345
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:32,370
EVER HAPPEN TO ME.
346
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,097
I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PURSUE MY
347
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,670
MODELING CAREER.
348
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:34,467
I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
349
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,497
I TRAVEL THE WORLD.
350
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,170
I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A
351
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:37,797
BETTER LIFE.
352
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,000
DIG IN.
353
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:39,830
I AM, I'M DOING IT.
354
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:41,433
YOU DIG IN.
355
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:43,103
I CAN'T EAT.
356
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:43,800
I'LL NEVER GET BACK INTO THIS
357
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,070
DRESS.
358
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:47,167
IT'S DELICIOUS.
359
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:50,127
A LOT OF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF YOU
360
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:53,673
WHEN THEY SAW THAT CLIP ONLINE.
361
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:54,627
AND WHAT I SAY TO THEM IS, "I'D
362
00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:55,373
LIKE TO SEE YOU "STAND IN FRONT
363
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,267
OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON
364
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:57,027
NATIONAL TELEVISION, NEXT TO
365
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,703
SLATER."
366
00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,700
AND I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO
367
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,700
SAY, "I'VE MADE MISTAKES WITH
368
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,870
MARIO, SURE."
369
00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:05,727
LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.
370
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:06,473
THIS IS ME ON A BANANA BOAT WITH
371
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,067
MARIO LOPEZ.
372
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:08,667
NEVER MIND THE RICK ASTLEY
373
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:11,427
HAIRCUT.
374
00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,073
I'M ON A BANANA BOAT WITH
375
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,167
SLATER.
376
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,197
I MUST HAVE SAID THAT A THOUSAND
377
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,230
TIMES THAT DAY.
378
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:16,933
THIS RIGHT HERE IS ONE OF THE
379
00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:19,173
BIGGEST REGRETS OF MY LIFE...
380
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,067
BESIDES THE ABORTION.
381
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,797
[LAUGHS]
382
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,170
OKAY.
383
00:11:22,167 --> 00:11:23,297
NO, NO, NO, NO.
384
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,100
BUT PLEASE DON'T, DON'T RUN.
385
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,400
I'D HATE TO CHASE YOU.
386
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,130
OKAY, CAITIE, LISTEN, THE WORLD
387
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:28,633
WANTS TO KNOW.
388
00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:29,403
ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER
389
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,130
SHOT?
390
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:32,773
I THINK SO.
391
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:38,127
OKAY, THEN GIVE ME YOUR GUM.
392
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:43,433
DO NOT [BLEEP] THIS UP.
393
00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:44,703
RECENT POLLS HAVE SHOWN 1/5 OF
394
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:45,600
AMERICANS CAN'T LOCATE THE U.S.
395
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,230
ON A WORLD MAP.
396
00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:57,133
WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
397
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,873
I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.
398
00:11:58,867 --> 00:11:59,897
AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO
399
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,370
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN
400
00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:03,897
OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS AND--
401
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:09,330
[THUD]
402
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:11,203
SORRY, MY BAD.
403
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:11,970
I DON'T KNOW.
404
00:12:11,967 --> 00:12:12,597
THANK YOU, SOUTH CAROLINA.
405
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:12,970
GAME OVER.
406
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:13,697
MISS TEEN USA.
407
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:19,900
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
408
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:20,500
OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
409
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,230
ENJOY YOUR MOMENT.
410
00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:24,403
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
411
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,400
NAILED IT.
412
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,500
HA, AMERICA!
413
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,430
OH, YOU LOVE TO SEE SOMEONE
414
00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:30,733
FAIL.
415
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,403
HOW 'BOUT WHEN SOMEBODY'S A
416
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,870
WINNER?
417
00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,297
IT'S A BEAUTY PAGEANT, AMERICA.
418
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,870
NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP] WHAT'S
419
00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:37,727
GOING ON UP HERE.
420
00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:39,233
OH, MY GOODNESS.
421
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:39,733
LOOK AT HER BUTT.
422
00:12:39,733 --> 00:12:44,773
WOW.
423
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:45,497
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID
424
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,930
KOECHNER.
425
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,933
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
426
00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:51,633
MALE ANNOUNCER: AND NOW IT'S
427
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,073
TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.
428
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:54,727
I'M GONNA SCARE MY COUSIN WITH
429
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:58,803
THIS.
430
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,570
AHH!
431
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,327
OHH.
432
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:02,073
OH, MY GOD.
433
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:04,367
[BLEEP], MY GOD.
434
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,897
OHH!
435
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:06,700
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING
436
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,430
TO [BLEEP] SCARE ME, YOU PIECE
437
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:08,303
OF [BLEEP].
438
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,700
ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE
439
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,970
PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO
440
00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:36,927
YOU BY BURGER KING.
441
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:37,973
[AIR HORN SOUNDS]
442
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,867
[ORCHESTRAL FANFARE]
443
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:40,667
NOW THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A VIRAL
444
00:13:40,667 --> 00:13:41,967
VIDEO-- SHORT AND SWEET.
445
00:13:41,967 --> 00:13:43,397
AND NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FOR
446
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,230
NATHAN, WHO ON TAKE SEVEN
447
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:44,973
STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT SPINE
448
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:47,467
TINGLES.
449
00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:48,627
THAT'S HOW YOU EXPLOIT A LITTLE
450
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:53,533
PERSON, CARLOS.
451
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,073
I MEAN NED.
452
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,567
RIGHT.
453
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:00,167
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
454
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:02,067
PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN/ACTOR
455
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:02,927
DAVID KOECHNER.
456
00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:03,873
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
457
00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:06,327
DAVID.
458
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,303
OH. HEY.
459
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,870
HOW ARE YOU, DANNY?
460
00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:11,467
I'M GOOD.
461
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,627
DID I WAKE YOU?
462
00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:14,133
OH, I'M SORRY.
463
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:14,733
I WAS ASLEEP, WASN'T I?
464
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,673
I'M SORRY.
465
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:18,397
I CAME IN HERE TO DO THE CHAT,
466
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,800
AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP.
467
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,730
YOUR BROTHER'S IN TOWN WITH HIS
468
00:14:23,733 --> 00:14:24,333
KIDS, AND I CAN'T SLEEP
469
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:25,133
ANYWHERE.
470
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:26,573
QUIET!
471
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:27,897
DAVE--
472
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,630
I'M DOING A TV SHOW!
473
00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:30,373
HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE
474
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:30,897
IDEA FOR--
475
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:31,770
I'M SORRY, WHAT IS IT?
476
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:32,497
HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA
477
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,200
FOR DOING THESE FLOWER SHOP
478
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,270
VIDEOS?
479
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:39,567
OH, IT'S JUST, UH-- THEY'RE
480
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:40,467
BASED IN REALITY, SO IT'S KIND
481
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,627
OF A REALITY-BASED COMEDY
482
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,403
ROUTINE FROM ACTUAL EVENTS
483
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:48,070
OF MY LIFE.
484
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:50,067
WELL, THEY'RE VERY FUNNY.
485
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:51,067
THANK YOU, DAVID.
486
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:53,367
LET'S ROLL THE CLIP.
487
00:14:53,367 --> 00:14:57,797
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
488
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,470
HI.
489
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,627
HI.
490
00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:04,973
HOW ARE YOU?
491
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:07,867
- WELL. YOU?
492
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:13,367
- GOOD.
493
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,067
I'D LIKE A BOUQUET
494
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:15,727
OF RED ROSES FOR MY WIFE,
495
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:16,403
AND I WOULD LIKE THE CARD--
496
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:16,930
OH, IS THERE A CARD?
497
00:15:16,933 --> 00:15:23,433
OH, SURE.
498
00:15:23,433 --> 00:15:24,173
YEAH, I'D LIKE
499
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,067
THE CARD TO READ,
500
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,227
"[BLEEP] YOU
501
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:28,903
AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY."
502
00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:29,400
WAIT, OH, I KNOW.
503
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,600
DO THIS.
504
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,930
NEW CARD--RIGHT.
505
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,833
WRITE, "[BLEEP] YOU."
506
00:15:37,833 --> 00:15:42,233
- OKAY.
507
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,133
AND THEN
508
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:45,473
IN ANOTHER CARD,
509
00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:46,567
IT'LL BE JUST BEHIND
510
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,797
THAT CARD IN THE ENVELOPE,
511
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,700
AND IT'LL SAY...
512
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,270
[CLEARS THROAT]
513
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,767
"AND [BLEEP] YOUR FAMILY."
514
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:54,327
- SO WHEN SHE GETS IT,
515
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:56,073
SHE OPENS IT UP LIKE,
516
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:56,767
"[BLEEP] YOU."
517
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,467
OOH!
518
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,127
AND THEN SHE SEES
519
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,673
THE NEXT ONE--BA-BOOM.
520
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:01,127
"AND [BLEEP]
521
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,633
YOUR FAMILY TOO."
522
00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:03,573
AND THEN THE FLOWERS
523
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:04,967
WILL BE LIKE,
524
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:05,827
OH, I THOUGHT
525
00:16:05,833 --> 00:16:07,233
THEY WERE SOMETHING GOOD,
526
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,073
BUT IT'S KIND OF LIKE
527
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,627
THE THIRD "[BLEEP] YOU"
528
00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:11,603
'CAUSE THEN SHE REALIZES,
529
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,070
OH, THESE ARE
530
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:14,567
SARCASTIC FLOWERS.
531
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,327
I'M JUST KIDDING.
532
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:16,703
I'M JUST--PUT THOSE AWAY.
533
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,170
THROW THOSE AWAY.
534
00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:19,797
WRITE, UM, UM,
535
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,170
"TO MY LOVING WIFE.
536
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,197
"I'M SO HAPPY
537
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,770
THAT YOUR FAMILY
538
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,167
"IS VISITING
539
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:26,497
FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
540
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,200
LOVE, DAVID."
541
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,230
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAVID.
542
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:31,633
[APPLAUSE]
543
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:32,673
AND KEEP CHECKING IN
544
00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:34,567
AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0
545
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:36,897
WHERE WE'LL BE RELEASING
546
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:37,530
NEW EPISODES OF
547
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,973
THE FLOWER SHOP
548
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:41,497
DIRECTLY TO OUR WEBSITE.
549
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,400
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
550
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,670
UPLOAD YOUR OWN ORIGINAL VIDEOS
551
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:44,167
FOR A CHANCE TO BE
552
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,567
OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.
553
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,227
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
554
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:49,133
- YOU, UH--YOU LIKE
555
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,373
THAT DRINK I GOT YOU?
556
00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:50,967
- YEAH.
557
00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:52,497
IT'S GOOD.
558
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:53,070
- ENJOYING IT,
559
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,267
YOUR BEVERAGE?
560
00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:54,827
- YEAH, MAN,
561
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:56,273
IT'S A GOOD BEVERAGE.
562
00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,067
- ALL RIGHT.
563
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,727
SO, UH--SO YOU LIKE
564
00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,933
DRINKING PISS?
565
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,703
- YEAH.
566
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,270
YEAH.
567
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,967
- IT'S GOOD PISS?
568
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:07,327
- UH-HUH.
569
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,373
IT'S REALLY GOOD PISS.
570
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:09,867
- YEAH.
571
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:10,427
YOU KNOW WHOSE PISS
572
00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:11,703
THAT IS?
573
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,570
- NO. WHOSE?
574
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:14,227
- RUDY.
575
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,673
- RUDY WHO?
576
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:16,167
- RUDY.
577
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,697
- RUDY, THE DOG, RUDY?
578
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,430
OH, MY GOD, DUDE.
579
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:19,973
I CAN'T BELIEVE--
580
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,197
OH, [BLEEP]!
581
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,330
UGH!
582
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,173
OH!
583
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:27,727
[LAUGHTER]
584
00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:28,273
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
585
00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:31,467
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
586
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,097
I'M EATING [BLEEP]
587
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,070
SO I CAN GET
588
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:35,497
THE DOG PISS TASTE
589
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,070
OUT OF MY MOUTH, MAN.
590
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:37,567
- DUDE, DUDE,
591
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:38,797
THAT'S DOG [BLEEP].
592
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:39,570
- WHAT?
593
00:17:39,567 --> 00:18:21,627
OH!
594
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:22,303
[BRUSH WHIRRING]
595
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:22,930
[SULTRY MUSIC]
596
00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:23,573
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
597
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:24,667
WOW.
598
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:25,397
I NEVER THOUGHT BRUSHING YOUR
599
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,070
TEETH COULD BE SO DIRTY.
600
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:26,527
AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,
601
00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:27,303
WE PREMIERED LAST WEEK, AND THE
602
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:27,930
REVIEWS HAVE BEEN GLOWING.
603
00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:28,303
LIKE THIS.
604
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:28,930
"TOSH.0 WAS BETTER THAN I
605
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,873
EXPECTED."
606
00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:33,667
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A WEB JUNK.
607
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:38,797
TURNED TO BE A PRETTY GOOD SOUP
608
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,870
TAKEOFF
609
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:40,497
THAT'S FROM WICKEDNEMESIS,
610
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:41,130
WHO USUALLY ISN'T SO KIND,
611
00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:41,573
SO THANK YOU.
612
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,727
THIS ONE'S FROM ANOTHER BIG
613
00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:45,073
PUBLICATION.
614
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:48,167
YOUR SHOW THE COOLEST RUN.
615
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:48,867
"GRANTED I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO.
616
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:49,597
YOURS IS THE BEST ONE OF THOSE
617
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,570
TWO."
618
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:52,267
IT'S NICE TO BE NUMBER ONE.
619
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:52,967
AND I SAVED
620
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:54,467
THE BEST FOR LAST.
621
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,067
"CINNAMON PLUS CRACKER
622
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,097
PLUS SALVIA PLUS WHATEVER,
623
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,870
"THE BEST MINUTE ON TV.
624
00:18:58,867 --> 00:18:59,797
THE REST WAS DON'T WANT
625
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,600
TO BE SUCKING YOUR [BLEEP]."
626
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,770
PRETTY GOOD.
627
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:08,567
CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE.
628
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:09,397
ALL RIGHT,
629
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,100
THAT'S A BIT TOO FAR, CBURNS.
630
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,070
BUT LET'S NOT POP THE CORK
631
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:13,627
ON THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE
632
00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:15,533
JUST YET.
633
00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:16,073
ALL THOSE REVIEWS
634
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,497
ARE FROM TWITTER,
635
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,070
SO CONSIDER THE SOURCE,
636
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:19,497
ESPECIALLY SINCE
637
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,200
OVER 2 MILLION PEOPLE
638
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:21,800
FIND IT NECESSARY
639
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,070
TO FOLLOW ASHTON KUTCHER.
640
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,697
UGH.
641
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:25,470
YEAH, WE GET IT.
642
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:26,597
YOUR LIFE IS SO INTERESTING.
643
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,200
THAT'S WHY WE AT TOSH.0
644
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:28,730
WOULD LIKE
645
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:30,873
TO OFFICIALLY LAUNCH
646
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,297
THE UNFOLLOW CAMPAIGN.
647
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:33,870
AND THIS WEEK,
648
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,127
IT'S YOU, ASHTON.
649
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,703
FOR EVERY ONE MILLION PEOPLE
650
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:37,100
THAT WE GET
651
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,630
TO UNFOLLOW ASHTON,
652
00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:39,203
WE AT TOSH.0
653
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,500
WILL SEND A CHILD TO COLLEGE.
654
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:41,970
COMMUNITY.
655
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,767
I MEAN, REALLY.
656
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:44,497
IF HE CAN GET
657
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:45,870
2 MILLION FOLLOWERS
658
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:46,827
JUST BE EXPLOITING DEMI
659
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:49,073
IN HER GRANNY PANTIES--
660
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,697
[AUDIENCE GROANS, CHUCKLES]
661
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:51,400
THAT'S A GRANNY
662
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,730
IN GRANNY PANTIES.
663
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,673
THAT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT.
664
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:55,127
THAT'S MORE LIKE
665
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:56,603
DEMI'S UNDERWEAR.
666
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,500
SO SHOWING DEMI IS THE KEY.
667
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,070
GOT IT.
668
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,367
THEN SHOWING A PICTURE OF HER
669
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,897
BACK IN THE '80S
670
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:02,930
SHOULD REALLY HELP
671
00:20:02,933 --> 00:20:04,273
OUR SHOW'S FOLLOWING.
672
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:05,797
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
673
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,570
OH, YES.
674
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:09,627
I KNOW, I KNOW.
675
00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:11,403
IT SHEDS TWICE A YEAR.
676
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,530
[LAUGHTER]
677
00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:26,903
PLEASE.
678
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:27,630
I KEEP WAITING FOR A CAMERA CREW
679
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:28,103
TO COME RUNNING
680
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,330
OUT OF HER PUBES
681
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:30,873
TO TELL ME I'M ON PUNK'D.
682
00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:37,567
[LAUGHTER]
683
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:38,167
NOW, I KNOW YOU AT HOME
684
00:20:38,167 --> 00:20:39,227
CAN'T SEE ANYTHING,
685
00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:39,873
BUT THE STUDIO'S RESPONSE
686
00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:40,797
SHOULD TELL YOU
687
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:41,270
THERE'S A REASON
688
00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:42,427
THIS IS COMPLETELY BLURRED.
689
00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:43,033
AND I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED
690
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:43,903
THAT WE HAVE ENOUGH BLUR.
691
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,430
IT'S HUGE.
692
00:20:45,433 --> 00:20:47,003
IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE PHOTO--
693
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,070
AND I WARN YOU,
694
00:20:48,067 --> 00:20:49,397
YOU DON'T--
695
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,130
GO TO
696
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,503
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.
697
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,200
MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK
698
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,670
WHEN THE PUKE KID COMES BY.
699
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:54,127
WHO'S HE?
700
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,273
[CHUCKLES]
701
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:56,927
I DON'T KNOW.
702
00:20:56,933 --> 00:20:58,403
I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT,
703
00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,100
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
704
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,630
HE'S GONNA PUKE.
705
00:21:00,633 --> 00:21:01,603
GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.
706
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,370
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
707
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:06,227
YEAH!
708
00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:09,403
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
709
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:09,870
THANK YOU.
42324
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