Original subtitles

Every family has a good egg and a bad egg.

It can be hard to tell which is which.

Sometimes, you have to eat both to find out.

Who wants eggs? Me.

Okay, ladies, today is a day that will live in infamy.

[ Sighs ]

My older sister, Barbra, is coming to visit.

Barbra? Isn't she in jail?

Was in jail.

I didn't know you had a sister.

Only by blood. I identify as an only child.

Every time my sister comes to visit,

she makes my life a nightmare.

Well, I, for one, can't wait to hate her.

Nothing brings women closer together than a common enemy.

Hey, there, little sis.

Barbra, how did you get in here?

I changed all the locks.

I always carry my own knob.

Oh, I'm Barbra, but you can call me Babs.

Both: I'm Debra, but you can call me Dabs.

Barbra, why are you here?

Why are any of us here, man?

Other than to love.

That's my chair.

You can stand, right?

Yes. I love standing.

I don't know if you remember, but I actually won best stander.

I'll go get the trophy.

Ooh, I think Debby needs a chill pill.

Am I right?

[ Whispers ] This whole place is bugged.

[ Laughs ] I'm not scared of her.

You know she wet the bed until she was 43?

Wait, how old is Debra?

You know, Debra took a chicken nugget to prom.

[ Laughter ]

Both: Chicken kisser, chicken kisser.

Well, did you guys know that Barbra went to jail for arson?

Yeah, Arson was my ex, and I burned his house down.

Cool.

Did he die? Was he nice?

Why don't I tell you all about it

over a hot, steaming mug of beer and a cup of cold corn?

Uh, they can't. We're actually really busy eating eggs,

and it's gonna take all day so...

[ Whining ] Please let us go.

[ Whining ] We've been so good.

What are you, their mother?

No. I'm their neighbor.

Come on, Dabs.

♪♪

♪♪

Barbra.

♪♪

Hey!

Hey, everybody, Barbra's back!

All: Barbra!

Did you miss us, Barbra?

How could I not miss that?

Everybody, give a nice, warm welcome to my new friends,

Debra and Debra.

All: Deb, Deb, Debra!

Oh, play nice, boys.

This is their first rodeo.

Let's get our girls some shots, eh?

What'll it be? Whiskey, tequila,

rabies, Gardasil?

[ Both gasp ]

Both: Gardasil!

Stick with me, ladies.

The only rule is there are no rules.

And cash only.

Follow me.

You haven't seen fun until you've seen darts.

All: Yeah!

Welcome to the circus.

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Both vocalizing ]

♪ Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra ♪

Understudies, it's your lucky day.

You're on in 5.

[ Both gasp ]

Thank you, 5! Thank you, 5!

I think it's time I told you the real reason

why I brought you here.

I want you to be part of my crew.

But we already have a crew.

We're Debras. We don't take that lightly.

Why be a Debra when you could be a Barbra?

When you put it like that, I'm in.

Me too. How do we join?

It's easy. Come with me.

Oh, sorry.

[ Giggles ]

And acting.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay, ladies, today is a horrible day.

My older sister, Barbra, is coming to visit.

Ew, Barbara. She makes me sick.

You are objectively better than her.

I want her dead and in the ground.

Thank you for this beautiful brunch.

I'm excited to do whatever you want today.

Good.

Mmm.

Scene.

Oh, you were brilliant back there.

I really believed you were at brunch.

I've been meaning to ask. Did your boyfriend get his PhD?

This isn't working.

You're just agreeing with everything that I say.

We're just working with the material you provided.

We are more than happy to improvise.

Look at this. I'm a cat.

Oh, my God.

It's not about the script, which is perfect.

I'm perfect.

It's about the authenticity of the characters,

and I realize now the only people

that could pretend to be my friends are my friends.

You're dismissed.

Oh, this is actually perfect.

I have a big audition at 4:00.

Oh, I'll drive you.

Oh, you're the best, thank you so much.

Can we take the freeway?Yeah, absolutely.

I can tell they're really hurting.

They're really good actors,

and I'm really good at writing, directing, and producing.

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

I don't understand.

What could a convicted felon possibly want

from the Lemoncurd Treasure Museum?

I will tell you.

Your first and final task is to steal

the Lemoncurd Declaration of Independence.

Steal it?

But it's the most heavily guarded artifact

in all of Lemoncurd.

It's from when Lemoncurd seceded from the whole world.

Plus, it's illegal.

What if we get caught?

Do you want to be a Barbra or not?

♪♪

Oh, my God. There it is.

But how are we ever going to get to it

without tripping the alarm?

♪♪

What about this?

♪♪

Oh. I thought that sign was a joke.

♪♪

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

♪♪

-Barbra. Barbra. -Barbra. Barbra.

Barbra, we did it. We committed the crime.

Can we be Barbras now?

Nice work, ladies.

[ Sirens wailing ]Wait.

Barbra, why are you running away from the police?

Come back. You're my best friend!

You're under arrest.

No, no, you're not being nice!

Where is she? Where is Barbra?

She's long gone.

What did she do with my Debras?

You mean the Barbras.

They're in the slammer.

I knew something like this would happen.

Everything Barbra touches goes to jail.

[ Shivers ]

I'm freezing.

I'm shivering. It's so cold.

Jail is hell.

We should probably just die here.

[ Coughs ]

This is all Barbra's fault.

We should have never left Debra.

[ Doorbell rings ]You got that right.

Both: [ Gasp ] Debra!

You came back for us!

I had no choice. Your understudies were horrible.

And brunch wasn't the same without you.

Let's get you out of here.

How did you get past the guard?

If somebody would have told me I'd lose my virginity today,

I would have worn different pants.

Now, let's go get my backstabbing sister.

I know just where to find her.

Barbra, stop right there!

It's too late.

I've got the Declaration and the fastest mode

of transportation known to man at my disposal.

You'll never catch me.

Why do you always come back and try to ruin my life?

Because you're a control freak

who thinks she's better than everybody else.

And I'm the one thing you could never control.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

You're under arrest. Oh?

You better say oink 'cause the pigs are here

to take you to the pen, you stinky, pink bitch.

How dare you utter my birth name

in front of my best friends?

Her name is Stinky Pink Bitch?

No wonder she smells like shit.

Both: She's a stinky pink bitch who smells like shit.

[ Laughs ] Take her away!

Forget the pig stuff.

We're taking you to fish jail.

Aaah!

-Whoo! Yeah! -Yes! Yeah!

Now, who wants to eat the Declaration of Independence?

Way ahead of you.

Now, that's amore.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪