Original subtitles

Triumph: "THE JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW" IS TAPED IN FRONT

OF A GUY WHO CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE WITH HIS MOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

* YADUM, DA DA DUM, HERE COMES TRIUMPH *

* GET AP A DEE WITH THE JACK AND DUM, HEY! *

* YA-DA, YA-BE-DOO-BE-DOO

OKAY, BUT ARE WE ALMOST DONE?

BECAUSE I KIND OF HAVE TO CHECK JUNE'S LAUNDRY.

YEAH, YEAH. NOT YET, OKAY? WIKIPEDIA'S MORE IMPORTANT.

THIS GUY GETS ALL MY COMMERCIAL GIGS. HE'S GOT TO PAY.

NOW, READ BACK THE LAST CHANGES. "DENIS LEARY..."

"DENIS COLIN LEARY, BEST KNOWN AS 'THE LEATHERY LESBIAN,'

IS A VAGINA-FLAVORED COMEDIAN AND AUTHOR."

CHANGE "AUTHOR" TO, UH... "ZOO-ANIMAL FLASHER."

"...AND ZOO-ANIMAL FLASHER.

"HE IS BEST KNOWN FOR HIS GROUNDBREAKING HBO SPECIAL

ENTITLED 'THE BEST OF LOUIS C.K. AND BILL HICKS'."

PERFECT. NOW GO TO "AWARDS."

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ] OOH. OOH, OOH, OOH.

YES? HELLO?

TRIUMPH, IT'S ABE.

ARE YOU EDITING DENIS LEARY'S WIKIPEDIA PAGE?

ABE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S -- IT'S PROBABLY

SOME WAYWARD YOUTH WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

BECAUSE HIS DISCARDED FORESKIN OF AN AGENT

THINKS THAT DENIS LEARY IS HIS ONLY CLIENT!

FINE, FINE, FINE.

LISTEN, LISTEN. I THINK SOMETHING DID COME UP.

SOMEONE ASKED ABOUT YOU A FEW WEEKS AGO HERE,

SOME -- SOME COMPANY IN IRKUTSK, SIBERIA.

APPARENTLY, YOUR SHOW'S PRETTY BIG OUT THERE.

WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

THEY WANTED YOU AND YOUR FRIEND JACK, TOO.

AND ANYWAY, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO ALL THE WAY TO SIBERIA.

NOT FOR 20 GRAND.

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT. IT'S BEEN GREAT TALKING TO YOU, ABE.

YEAH. OKAY, BUT LOOK. HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET JACK TO DO IT?

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT!

MMM.

ANOTHER EXCELLENT VEGAN CASSEROLE, JUNE.

WELL, JACK, I JUST HOPE THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO HEAR

THE HAUNTING SOUND OF COWS BEING KILLED.

OH, JACK ALREADY KNOWS THOSE HAUNTING SOUNDS

FROM THE TIME HE WALKED IN

ON YOU AND BRIAN DENNEHY HAVING SEX BEHIND THE SET.

SO, JACK,

UH, SPEAKING OF HEALTH HAZARDS, IS EVERYTHING OKAY AT WORK?

IS THE BOSS STILL RUNNING YOU RAGGED?

MAKING YOU HAND OUT THOSE FOLDED MAPS?

OH, NO. ACTUALLY, THOSE JUST SIT ON A DESK.

IT'S UP TO THE VISITORS TO TAKE ONE.

SO, IT'S OUT OF YOUR CONTROL?

THAT MUST MAKE YOU FEEL AS POWERLESS AS JUNE'S BLADDER.

WHAT ARE YOU RANTING ABOUT, DR. SANJAY POOPTA?

PLEASE! HIS SKIN IS A SICKLY PINK.

HIS PULSE IS EERILY STEADY.

[ SHUDDERS ] CLASSIC STRESS FEVER.

OH, NO. B-BUT I FEEL GOOD.

REALLY? DO YOU FEEL LIKE ANY PARTICULAR AMOUNT OF MONEY?

I MEAN, I GUESS I FEEL LIKE...

A MILLION BUCKS. A MILLION BUCKS?

HOW DID YOU KNOW? [ GASPS ]

YOU'RE ALREADY IN STAGE TWO.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

THIS IS BAD. I'VE GOT TO RELAX, BUT QUICK.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE. YOU NEED TO TAKE A VACATION.

SOMEPLACE QUIET AND TROPICAL.

BUT WHERE?

WAIT, OF COURSE.

THE MOST RELAXING PLACE ON EARTH -- IRKUTSK, RUSSIA.

IRKUTSK.

OH, BEACHES, WATERSLIDES, THE CITY OF MIAMI.

OH! RUSSIA SOUNDS PERFECT.

OH, I'M GONNA DO SOME SERIOUS RELAXING.

OH, YES. UP TOP.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] OOH, BOY.

IRKUTSK IS A LOT COLDER THAN IT LOOKS IN POORLY LABELED FLIERS.

OH, NO. IT'S GREAT.

I THINK THE WHOLE CELSIUS- AND-FAHRENHEIT-CONVERSION THING

IS JUST THROWING YOU OFF. OH.

OH, WELL, LET'S CHECK INTO THE HOTEL SO I CAN HIT THE SLIDES.

OH, WE ARE TOTES GOING TO CHECK OUT THE HOTEL

AND MAJOR BEACH-BUNNY ACTION.

BUT -- BUT FIRST, THERE'S THIS OTHER COOL PLACE

THAT OFFERS MAJOR CHILLAXION.

* BE-BOP-BOO

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HUH. IS THIS REALLY THE IRKUTSK HARD ROCK?

UH...YEAH, SURE, SURE.

UH, I ONLY SEE A PICTURE OF PHIL COLLINS.

DOBRI-DIN, JACK AND TRIUMPH.

OH.

MY NAME IS VICTOR KOVACHENKO.

OH, HELLO. [ CHUCKLES ]

HEY.

IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE THE...

[ SNIFFING ]

...THE STARS OF "TRIUMPH'S BOY" HERE WITH US.

LIKE EVERYONE IN IRKUTSK,

I HAVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE 300 TIMES.

WHAT?

TRIUMPH, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

YOU KNOW HOW THEY FILMED OUR SHOW ON LOW-QUALITY TAPE

THAT GAVE ALL THE EDITORS MERCURY POISONING?

WELL, THAT'S ALL SIBERIAN VIDEO MACHINES CAN HANDLE.

ISN'T IT GREAT? WE'RE STILL BIG STARS HERE.

NOW WE ARE SO PROUD

THAT YOU ARE MAKING A TELEVISION COMMERCIAL FOR US.

A COMMERCIAL? I'M SORRY, BUT NO.

SHOW BUSINESS IS LIKE AN ABOVEGROUND POOL.

I CAN'T GET INTO IT WITHOUT GETTING HURT.

BUT, UH... BUT JEW DOG SAID ON PHONE --

JACK, COME ON. THESE PEOPLE LOVE US.

WELL, MAYBE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY WELL-EARNED VACATION?

DON'T WORRY, JACK. I CAN TAKE YOUR HALF OF THE FEE.

THAT WAY, IT'S NOT EVEN TECHNICALLY WORK.

Triumph: * YA BA DA BOO BA BEE BA

DEYSTVIYE! STRAS-TROI-CHA, IRKUTSK.

YOU WATCHED ME GROW UP ON TV.

BUT EVERY MORNING, I FILL UP...

ON PASHKOV HORSE BACON.

HORSE BACON?

THAT'S RIGHT, JACK.

PASHKOV -- SAY NE-E-E-IGH TO AN EMPTY STOMACH.

PASHKOV HORSE BACON --

NOW WITH ADDED HORMONE TO MAKE HORSE GIGANTIC.

VYREZAT! TRIUMPH, JACK, THAT WAS SUPERB. [ SMOOCHES ]

ARE WE DONE HERE? CAN I PLEASE GO TO THE BEACH NOW?

THE WHAT? OH, RIGHT. THE LIES. FORGET THAT.

ZDRAVSTVUJTYE, IRKUTSK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALAN THICKE. ALAN THICKE. [ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ]

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALAN THICKE DOING HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN SIBERIA?

IS THAT WHERE YOU CAREER GOES TO WARM UP?

WATCH YOUR MOUTH. THIS IS STAR OF "GROWING PAIN."

WE LOVE IT. SHOW ALSO RECORDED ON LOW-GRADE TAPE.

I SEE YOU NEEDED CUE CARDS. [ CHUCKLES ]

WITH PASHKOV HORSE BACON,

THE ONLY GROWING PAINS YOU'LL HAVE ARE IN YOUR TASTE BUDS.

LAUGH IT UP... TELEVISION'S OTHER CREEPY DAD.

OF COURSE, UNLIKE COSBY,

YOU DIDN'T NEED PILLS TO MAKE WOMEN FALL ASLEEP.

ANYWAY, SCREW IT.

WE'RE GETTING PAID EITHER WAY, JACK.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

EXCUSE ME.

I MUST UNFORTUNATELY TELL YOU THERE IS A PROBLEM.

THIS IS OUR CLIENT, ELENA EKALAKAVARAKOVA...

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] ...A.K.A. THE HORSE-MEAT QUEEN.

[ IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING, TROTTING ]

CLIENT IS CONCERNED ABOUT BOTH YOUR COMMERCIALS.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] YES.

SHE CLEARLY BELIEVES THAT AUDIENCE WOULD BE DISTURBED...

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] ...BY THE GROWN-UP FACE OF JACK...

[GROANING]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

...AND ALAN'S VERY VISIBLE ERECTION.

I WORK HOW I WORK.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

OF COURSE.

CLIENT FEELS THAT THERE IS A SOLUTION FOR THIS.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

SHE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BRING YOUR SUPPORTING CAST MEMBERS.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] AND WHOEVER BRINGS

THE MOST FORMER CAST MEMBERS BY THURSDAY...

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

...GETS COMMERCIAL...

[SPEAKS RUSSIAN] ...AND GETS PAID.

OH, JINGY, JINGY, OOH.

[ GRUNTING ]

WALLET.

YEAH, JOANNA KERNS, PLEASE.

HEY, JOANNA. [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, IT'S YOUR OLD JASON SEAVER TOY HERE.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S ALAN. ALAN THICKE. YEAH, THAT -- YEAH.

LISTEN, I'M, UH, DOING A COMMERCIAL IN SIBERIA...

AND WONDERING IF, UH, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN ME HERE, HUH?

HUH? [ CHUCKLES ] HUH?

OH, GOOD. DYNAMITE. YES. EXCELLENT.

WELL, I'LL HAVE MY AGENT CALL YOUR AGENT WITH THE DEETS.

OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I GOT A HEAD START.

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.

THAT'S ME, GET IT? YOU'RE A DOG.

BUT YOU'RE A CANADIAN.

HEY, AT LEAST I DON'T HIT UP MY SON'S GROUPIES

FOR A PLACE TO SLEEP!

ALL RIGHT. STILL TIME TO HIT THAT WATERPARK.

THIS HIDE HAS GOT TO SLIDE.

OKAY. I GOT YOUR HAT COVERED. DON'T WORRY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

OKAY, THINK. THINK.

[ SIGHS ]

NEED TO BOOK "TRIUMPH'S BOY" CAST MEMBERS.

BUT WHO?

[ SIGHS ] SOVIET ALMANAC OF "TRIUMPH'S BOY."

OKAY. THE SHERIFF. NO.

CRAPPED IN HIS SHOES WAY TOO MANY TIMES.

UH, FAT KID NEXT DOOR.

NO. TALKED HIS GIRLFRIEND INTO DUMPING HIM FOR JUDGE REINHOLD.

JUDGE REINHOLD.

NO. INDIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS HERPES.

AAH! THIS IS TORTURE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

TORTURE.

RUSS, MY OLD TRAINER.

HE'S PROBABLY ON BETTER TERMS WITH THESE GUYS THAN I AM.

LONG DISTANCE HERE IS PROBABLY REASONABLE.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

HOWDY-DO.

RUSS, IT'S TRIUMPH.

THE HELL DO YOU WANT, YOU LITTLE PUD-SUCKER?

YEAH. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SQUARE DANCE, GOMER.

I NEED YOU TO ROUND UP THE OLD GANG FOR A COMMERCIAL

IN IRKUTSK, SIBERIA. HELP YOU?

AFTER YOU CONVINCED THAT DALMATIAN

THAT I WAS THE FATHER OF HER CHILD?

YOU NEVER CONSENTED TO A DNA TEST!

I'LL GIVE YOU 200 BUCKS AND A KLONOPIN

FOR EVERY ONE YOU CAN GET.

I'M ON IT.

HEY, KIRK.

KIRK CAMERON, YEAH.

HEY. ALAN THICKE CALLING YOU HERE.

YEAH, I'M DOING A-A-AN AD HERE, COMMERCIAL

IN SIBERIA FOR HORSE BACON.

AND, UH, THEY'RE WONDERING IF MAYBE WE COULD GET THE WHOLE CAST OF "GROWING PAINS" HERE.

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HORSE BACON. YEAH. WELL, HEY, HEY, HEY.

ALL OF THE PROCEEDS WILL GO TO CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES.

YEAH.

AND, UH...

ALL OF THE HORSES THEY SLAUGHTERED ARE GAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YEP.

HEATHEN GAY HORSES, YEAH.

WHAT? HEY. OKAY.

DIAL TONE. GOT IT.

[ GROANS ]

HEY, THERE. UH, IS THERE A SHUTTLE TO THE WATERPARK?

[ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ]

UM, "THE SPLASHTASTIC

SLIP-AND-DRIP WILD-WATER TRIP FUN PLUNGE."

[ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ]

Oh, okay.

OH, EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

UH, "SPLASHTASTIC SLIP-AND-DRIP WILD-WATER TRIP FUN PLUNGE."

[ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ] "30 MINUTES FROM MIAMI.

WILD, WET FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY."

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THIS WATERPARK IS?

HI. I'M SO SORRY.

UH, I'M LOOKING FOR MOUNT SPILLIMANJARO.

THE PEOPLE AT THE HOTEL DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

OH, I'M SORRY. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE MUMBLING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

GRACIAS.

GRACIAS.

HEY!

UH, YOU'RE A LOCAL. YOU CAN HELP ME.

I'M TRYING TO GET TO THE WATER SLIDES.

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

DO YOU HAVE A CONCUSSION?

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

WELL, HELLO. HELLO. UH, I AM ON VACATION.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND FUN?

WATER SLIDE. [ SHUDDERING ]

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

WATER SLIDE.

[ IMITATES WATER SPLASHING ] WATER. THE WATERPARK.

WATER.

PSH.

WATER.

PSH, PSH, PSH, PSH!

YEAH. I-I GET IT. I GET IT.

I'M A TOURIST, AND ALL THE LOCALS

WANT TO KEEP THE WATERPARK A BIG SECRET.

I DON'T KNOW WHY. I WAS GONNA SPEND MONEY THERE,

AND -- AND JUST ENJOY A RARE V-VACATION.

I'VE EARNED THIS VACATION. I HAVE EARNED A VACATION!

[ BONE CRUNCHES ]

GOOD DAY.

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

[ SHUDDERS ]

SUFFERIN' SOMALIANS.

JACK, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?

AAH! AH, SHOOT.

FIRST, NO WATER SLIDE, NOW THIS.

OH, PROBABLY WHY I CAN'T FEEL ANY OF MY TOES OR PENISES.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, GUYS.

[ CHUCKLES ] JACK. REMEMBER ME?

OF COURSE. YOU'RE TRIUMPH'S OLD TRAINER.

OH, YOU COULD GET HIM TO DO THE CUTEST LITTLE HEAD TILT

WITH JUST A PINCH OF THE TESTICLES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S WHEN TRAINERS WERE TRAINERS.

NOW [SNAPS FINGERS] LOOK WHO I ROUNDED UP.

YOU GOT ME.

YAY!

BUT HERE'S DANNY,

THAT LITTLE FELLA WHO STOOD IN FOR JACK.

HEYA, GUYS.

THIS IS IT? COME ON.

DON'T WORRY. I GOT MORE.

HEY! COME HERE.

THE DELL DUDE.

Triumph: WHAT?

THE DELL DUDE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR SHOW!

HE WAS AVAILABLE.

OF COURSE HE'S AVAILABLE! HE'S THE DELL DUDE!

WE'RE SO SCREWED.

WELL, THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY WE CAN GET JUNE TO COME HELP US.

RIGHT, TRIUMPH?

I'VE GOT IT.

[ DING! ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

STUPID RUSSIAN IDEA BULBS.

[ GROWLS ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]

THIS IS JUNE.

[ IMITATING STATIC ] JUNE! HELP!

ME AND JACK...KIDNAPPED...

BY RUSSIAN MOBSTERS... GRAVE DANGER...

JACK ALREADY LOST HIS ARM.

DEFINITELY NOT... MY FAULT.

BY WHO?

I SAID...RUSSIANS.

NO, THE NAME OF THE ORGANIZATION.

I DON'T KNOW.

SATAN'S DICK RING. LIKE MY BAND.

WHAT?

NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA CALL IT --

SATAN'S DICK RING?

THEY SOUND AWFUL.

FINE. WHATEVER.

[ IMITATING STATIC ] COME ALONE...

FULL MAKEUP... CAMERA READY.

[ Dial tone ] [ KEYPAD BEEPS ]

OH, NO. MY POOR JACKIE.

Triumph: * BOO BA-BEE-BA

JUNE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE HOURS AGO!

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD HELP IF WE CUT OFF THE OTHER ARM?

I CAN'T PROVE IT WOULDN'T, SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY TRY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

OH, THERE SHE IS!

JUNE, COME IN. THE DOOR'S BROKEN.

OH.

IT'S NOT JUNE, EVERYBODY.

IT'S JUST A TRICK-OR-TREATER IN A MELTED ROBIN THICKE MASK.

SO, WHAT'S UP? COME TO GLOAT?

NO, NO. QUITE THE CONTRARY.

IN FACT, NONE OF MY CAST MEMBERS SHOWED UP.

BUT I SAW YOU TALKING TO TV'S JOANNA KERNS.

AH, DECEPTION. ALL OF IT.

NAH, JOANNA HASN'T RETURNED MY CALLS

SINCE SHE FOUND ME SECRETLY LIVING IN HER ATTIC.

WAIT A MINUTE.

ALAN, ARE YOU WILLING TO WORK WITH US

AND TO DO SOMETHING THAT, UP TO THIS POINT,

YOU'VE ONLY DONE IN PRIVATE?

[ Chuckling ] OH.

YOU MEAN BOP IT TO MY OWN PLAYGIRL CENTERFOLD?

UH, NO.

SOMETHING THAT YOU ACTUALLY MIGHT BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

[ INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]

Triumph: * YA BA-DA-BOO BA-BE-BA

MR. TRIUMPH, WE ARE CONCERNED.

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

I GOT ALL THESE "TRIUMPH'S BOY" MAINSTAYS HERE FOR YOU.

THERE'S -- I GOT ME AND JACK,

AND, LOOK, UH, HERE'S RUSS, THE OLD TRAINER,

AND, UH, DOWN THERE'S DANNY, THE GUY WHO STOOD IN FOR JACK,

AND, UH, THERE'S, UH, JACK'S TV MOM, JUNE.

HELLO.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S ROLL. LET'S ROLL.

YOU ARE SHORT MORE THAN A FEW CAST MEMBERS.

YOU ARE SHORT A PART OF JACK.

[ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ]

"IF HE WAS LIVING HERE,

WE'D HAVE HIM EXECUTED AS A USELESS MONSTER."

THIS IS SIMPLY NOT GOING TO WORK.

RELAX, RUSSKI. I GOT THIS.

[ TWINKLE! ]

[ SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN ] WE HAVE COMMERCIAL.

YES. WE'RE GOOD.

Director: OKAY. [ SPEAKS RUSSIAN ]

PLACES, EVERYONE!

SAY, "NEIGH!" TO AN EMPTY STOMACH

WITH PASHKOV HORSE BACON.

AND GROW STRONG TO ENDURE LIFE'S BRUTAL INDIFFERENCE.

AND BE SURE TO TRY

PASHKOV'S NEW INNOCENT PUPPY BACON.

OH.

WHAT? I'M COOL WITH IT.

PERFECT.

NOW, EVERYBODY NOT ALLERGIC TO RADIATION,

DIG INTO THE BACON.

[ EXPLOSION ]

Jack: OH!

FREEZE, SATAN'S DICK RING! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.

THEY'RE HERE, JUST LIKE THE OLD LADY SAID THEY WERE.

OLD LADY? KEEP ROLLING. DON'T STOP.

UH, NO. IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE WORKING WITH THE RUSSIANS.

OH, THEY'RE DOUBLE AGENTS.

WHA-- WHAT DO WE DO WITH THEM?

THROW A GRENADE?

COULDN'T HURT.

AAH!

IT'S OKAY.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS A RUSSIAN GRENADE.

LIGHTS? CAMERAS? I KNEW IT.

AAH!

YOU TOOK MY JACKIE

ALL THE WAY TO SIBERIA

TO MAKE A FUCKING COMMERCIAL?

HOLD ON.

TWO ALAN THICKES?

I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR DICK OUT THROUGH --

NOOOOO!

BY NOW, WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE RUSSIAN KIDNAPPING CRISIS

THAT TURNED OUT TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN A PATHETIC HOAX --

VIRAL MARKETING

FOR A CRITICALLY REVILED PASADENA THRASH-METAL BAND

AND PASHKOV FOODS,

THE MAKERS OF A LESSER BRAND OF SIBERIAN HORSE BACON.

THE STUNT WAS APPARENTLY MASTERMINDED

BY PURPORTED ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST JUNE GREGORY

SEEN HERE IN A STILL

RECOVERED FROM A RUSSIAN VIDEO CAMERA.

HERE TO DEFEND HERSELF VIA SATELLITE,

WE HAVE JUNE GREGORY.

WELCOME, JUNE.

THANK YOU, MS. MADDOW.

NOW, WHAT'S A VEGAN

AND ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST LIKE YOURSELF DOING

ADVERTISING DISCOUNT HORSE BACON,

MUCH LESS EATING IT?

RACHEL, DEAR,

I'VE SAID IT ONCE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

THAT BACON WAS PROPELLED INTO MY MOUTH

BY AN EXPLODING GRENADE.

AND NOW I'VE GOT AN ARM JUST LIKE A KEN DOLL.

I SEE.

Triumph: SHE'S GOT HIM WELL TRAINED.

DOESN'T SHE, LARRY?

WHO'S KIDDING WHO?

THIS WOMAN IS INSATIABLE.

SHE'S HAD MORE RUSSIAN HORSE MEAT INSIDE HER

THAN CATHERINE THE GREAT.

WILL YOU SHUT UP? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

HEY! SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING, LARRY?

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN ACHIEVE ORGASM.

PURPORTED ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST JUNE GREGORY... IT'S SAD, BUT --

HELP! HELP! ...STRANGLING A DOG ON LIVE TELEVISION...

LARRY! DO SOMETHING! ...IN CALLOW PURSUIT OF A SEX THRILL.

LARRY! I AM CERTAINLY NOT BUYING THAT WOMAN'S STORY.

COMING UP, COMEDIAN DENIS LEARY.

DOES HE COLLECT POL POT MEMORABILIA

AND FLASH ZOO ANIMALS?

SO SAYS WIKIPEDIA.

BACK IN A MOMENT.