Original subtitles

Triumph: THE "JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW" WAS TAPED IN FRONT

OF NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, IF HE WORKED AT CHIPOTLE.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

♪ YA-DA, DA-DA-DA HERE IS TRIUMPH ♪

♪ HE'S BA-BA-DEE WITH THE JACK AND DOG ♪

HEY!

♪ YA-DA, DA-DA-DE-DOO-BE-DO ♪

ALL RIGHT, THEN GET THIS --

DELIVERY GUY SAYS HE'S NEVER SEEN JACK ON TV.

[ CHUCKLES ]

RIGHT.

AND JOEY CAN QUALIFY FOR A HOME LOAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, MALTIN, I'M RAISING YOU 200.

HE'S GOT TO BE BLUFFING.

CALL IT AND FIND OUT, BITCHES.

I THINK HE MEANS IT.

I'M OUT.

I FOLD.

OKEYDOKEY, THEN.

TOO BAD.

[ LAUGHS ] MORE FOR ME.

YES.

AND, FYI...

OHH! OHH!

DAMN IT! COME ON, TRIUMPH. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THAT'S THE BEST POKER FACE I'VE SEEN

SINCE RICHARD ROEPER TOLD ME HE NEVER SHOWERED WITH MY WIFE.

WILL YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO KEEP IT DOWN, ASS BREATH?

I'M TRYING TO WATCH "SHERLOCK" IN THERE.

OOH, "SHERLOCK" IN THERE!

TELL ME -- IS THIS THE EPISODE

WHERE HE FINDS THE MISSING CASHEWS

IN THE FOLDS OF YOUR NECK?

WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE MORE TO DO IN A DAY

THAN SIT ON THE FRONT PORCH GOOGLING MYSELF

AND TOSSING MY OWN SALAD.

HEY!

[ Laughing ] LEAVE JOEY OUT OF THIS!

NOT THAT JOEY ISN'T A CHILLING REMINDER OF THE CAPRICE OF FATE,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU, TRIUMPH.

HEY, HEY, LISTEN,

I'D HAVE PLENTY TO DO IF JACK WOULD MAKE US FAMOUS AGAIN.

HE JUST NEEDS TO GET HIS FACE OUT THERE.

[ SNAPS FINGERS ] WHAT ABOUT THE --

THE REALITY SHOW THAT I'M DOING NEXT MONTH?WHAT'S THAT?

[ Chuckling ] OH, IT'S REALLY GOOD.

IT'S CALLED "THE VEAL WORLD."

EVERY SEASON, THEY GET A GROUP OF FORMERLY FAMOUS GUYS

THAT LIVE TOGETHER,

AND THEY'RE CONFINED IN 3x4 BOXES.

AND THEY'RE FED NOTHING BUT MILK AND ANTIBIOTICS.

IT'S PRETTY COOL.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING ONE THING?

YOU MEAN WHO THAT GUY IS OVER THERE? NO.

NO, THAT'S -- THAT'S TAY ZONDAY, FORMER INTERNET SENSATION.

I MEAN THAT YOU'LL NEVER GET JACK ON ANY REALITY SHOW

WITHOUT JUNE'S BLESSING.

WELL, DON'T WORRY. I GOT THIS.

OH, JU-U-U-NE!

COULD YOU PLEASE COME INTO THE PARLOR FOR A MOMENT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, COYOTE CHOW?

[ LAUGHS ]

"COYOTE CHOW" -- THE WIT ON THIS WOMAN.

[ SIGHS ]

NO, MY ELEGANT, FERMENTING BUTTERCUP,

I SIMPLY WANTED TO GET YOUR QUICK OKAY

ON JACK APPEARING

IN A HARMLESS REALITY -- NO.

THE [BLEEP] DO YOU MEAN "NO"?!

NO.

I GOT JACK OUT OF SHOW BUSINESS

SO HE COULD HAVE A HEALTHY, CHRISTIAN LIFE...

[ HUMMING ]

...AWAY FROM TURD-GOBBLING SCUMBAGS LIKE YOU.

BUT TELL HER WHO'S ON THE SHOW, JOEY.

WELL, UH, JOE FRANCIS IS ON THE SHOW.

THAT'S THE FOUNDER OF "GIRLS GONE WILD."

DONALD STERLING.LEGENDARY RACIST --

THIS MAN IS THE MARTIN LUTHER KING OF RACISTS.

I WOULD NEVER LET MY JACKY AROUND TRASH LIKE THAT,

ESPECIALLY DONALD STERLING.

IN FAIRNESS, THE MAN DID CAUSE A GREAT DEAL

OF CHOCOLATE RAIN.

WHAT'S "UNFAMOUS AMOS" TALKING ABOUT?

BLACK TEARS, MADAME.

OKAY, MOVING ON...

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD OF STERLING

UNTIL HE GOT FAMOUS FOR RACISM!

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

UH-OH, UH, I-I KNOW THAT LOOK, TRIUMPH.

[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE HAS THAT LOOK ALL THE TIME.

NO, JOEY, THAT'S THE LOOK HE GETS

WHEN HE WANTS TO SECRETLY TAPE SOMEONE

SAYING SOMETHING RACIST.

OH.

♪ BA-BA-BOO-BA-BE-BA

OH, YES! OH, YES!

IT'S JUST THINGS HAVE BEEN SO SLOW THERE,

I'M WORRIED THEY'RE GONNA START CUTTING STAFF.

OH, YES! OH, YES!

WAIT. "YES!" I COULD BE FIRED?

WHAT?

NO, THAT WAS A HUMP "YES."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT WORK ALL THE TIME.

CAN WE CUDDLE?

CUDDLE? REALLY, PAL?

USUALLY WHEN YOU'RE DONE,

YOU JUST THROW A DOLLAR AT ME AND GO TO BED.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOT TONIGHT.

COMFORTABLE?

WELL, YEAH,

BUT WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THAT HOT DOG IN MY FACE LIKE THAT?

OH, JUST TO RELAX YOU.

[ FEEDBACK ]

ALL RIGHT.

NOW TALK TO ME, JACK.

TALK TO ME.

HAS ANYTHING ELSE BEEN BOTHERING YOU --

YOU KNOW, ANY PROBLEMS WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE

OR A RACE OF PEOPLE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, MY BACK IS STILL ACTING UP.

AND NOW DR. LEWIS SAYS I NEED TO GET AN MRI,

BUT I HATE THOSE THINGS.YEAH, UH-HUH.

UH, YEAH, WELL, THAT'S BAD. MRIs ARE A BUMMER.

UM. UM, WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER

SHARING AN MRI WITH SOMEONE...

LIKE TIM DUNCAN?

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, FROM THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS?

WELL, I DON'T THINK WE COULD BOTH FIT IN AN MRI.

WHY? BECAUSE HIS PENIS IS TOO BIG?

WHAT?

YOU'RE SAYING THAT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU

TO SHARE AN MRI WITH AN NBA LEGEND

BECAUSE ALL BLACK MEN HAVE GIANT PENISES?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING THIS, JACK MLICKI,

STAR OF "TRIUMPH'S BOY"!

DID WE GET IT?

YES, TRIUMPH, YES.

WE JUST RECORDED SOMEBODY WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY.

THIS IS FOR JACK.

AT WHAT COST, TRIUMPH?

IF WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE GENE HACKMAN 1974 FILM...

OH, DEAR GOD...."THE CONVERSATION" BY FRANCIS COPPOLA --

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

LISTEN, LEONARD, HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU OWE ME

FROM THAT POKER GAME?!

40 GRAND.

THEN SAVE YOUR BREATH FOR YOUR JUDI DENCH BLOW-UP DOLL

AND HAND OVER THE TAPE!

OKAY, I JUST HAVE TO GET THIS TO THE PAPARAZZI AND TMZ.

OKAY? WAIT HERE.

TRIUMPH, I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY!

OH, RIGHT. OKAY. I'M ON IT.

DAMN IT, I WAS ON "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT"

FOR 30 YEARS!

THAT'S ALL I GOT!

HOW YOU GUYS DOING?

MY NAME'S PINKY.

I'M A PAPARAZZI, JUST LIKE YOU.

CAN I TAKE YOUR PICTURE?

KA-CHOONK. KA-CHINK.

KA-CHUNK.

WHAT? SOMETHING'S HAPPENING?

Man: HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS?

GOOD QUESTION -- REGULAR MIKE WALLACE HERE.

TELL ME THIS --

WHEN YOU SEE A CELEBRITY COMING OUT OF A RESTAURANT,

HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THOSE QUESTIONS?

DO YOU PREPARE THEM AHEAD OF TIME,

OR DO THEY JUST COME OUT NATURALLY

AS A RESULT OF SOME PRIOR HEAD TRAUMA?

NO, IT'S ALL ABOUT, LIKE, BEING --

LIKE, KNOWING WHO'S WHO AND KNOWING ABOUT FOR THEM

THAT ARE COMING OUT OF THE RESTAURANTS

AND BEING PATIENT.

RIGHT.

SO IT'S THE HEAD TRAUMA.

WHO WAS THAT?

SHE WAS A LADY FROM ONE OF THE TV SHOWS.

HE GOT A LADY FROM ONE OF THE TV SHOWS.

HOLY SHIT.

YOU ARE GOOD, MAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER A SHOW CALLED "TRIUMPH'S BOY"?

MM-HMM. YOU DO?!

OF COURSE YOU DO.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE KID IN IT? MM-HMM.

JACK. EXACTLY.

JACK MLICKI. JACK MLICKI.

YOU REMEMBER. YEP.

YOU'LL LISTEN TO THIS RACISM.

YOU'RE GONNA GET IT TO TMZ.

NO, THIS IS -- IT SUCKS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

IT SUCKS.

NO, NO, BECAUSE OF THE PENIS SIZE --

LISTEN TO MY OUTRAGE.

♪ JUST GOT TO FIND MORE SCUM, SCUMMY PAPARAZZI ♪

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

OKAY. SCUM.

WHERE IS THE SCUM?

HERE, SCUMMY, SCUMMY.

♪ SCUM-DE-DUM-DE-DUM

♪ WHERE IS THE SCUM?

WAIT A MINUTE!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ PANTING ]

OH, YES. WOW.

HELLO. WHAT'S UP? HOW ARE YOU?

PAPARAZZI, YES? YES.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE FAMOUS ONES, RIGHT? YEAH.

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT BRITNEY SPEARS RAN OVER?

MY FOOT WAS, YES.

OHH, MAN. SO, WHAT'S MORE PAINFUL --

HAVING YOUR FOOT RUN OVER BY BRITNEY SPEARS

OR TAKING A GOOD, HARD, LONG LOOK AT YOUR LIFE?

OH. [ CHUCKLES ] BOTH.

WHOSE LIVES ARE WE INVADING THE PRIVACY OF TODAY?

WE'RE -- WE'RE JUST WAITING.

WE'RE WAITING FOR V. STIVIANO.

WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'M NOT.

NO, SERIOUSLY? THE DONALD STERLING BITCH?

THIS IS WHERE SHE LIVES?RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S HER CAR, TOO -- THE FERRARI --

HER FERRARI.THAT'S HER FERRARI.

SHE HAS A FERRARI. A FERRARI.

ALL FROM THE RACISM.[ Chuckling ] PRETTY MUCH.

OKAY, SO, WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR HER TO COME OUT --

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS?

JUST WAITING FOR HER TO COME OUT AND...

THAT IS SO COOL, MAN.

AND WHEN -- THEN, WHAT HAPPENS?

THEN WE TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER WHEN SHE WALKS OUT.

ASK HER...ASK HER IF SHE WANTS A PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN.

ASK HER IF SHE WANTS A PHOTOGRAPH.

SURE. SOUNDS GOOD.

HEY, BITCH! NO, NO, NO, NO.

GET THE [BLEEP] OUT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS GUY'S GOT OTHER PEOPLE TO SCARE!

NICE HOUSE!

BEFORE BUYING IT,

HOW BIG A DEPOSIT DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE IN THE FACE?!

NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY.WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, YOU DON'T YELL STUFF LIKE THAT OUT. COME ON, NOW.

OH, OKAY. I'M DOING IT WRONG?

YEAH, I THINK SO.

THIS IS GOOD. I THINK SO.

SO, A PAPARAZZI IS TEACHING ME ABOUT BASIC HUMAN ETHICS.

YEAH, EXACTLY.[ Laughing ] THAT'S GOOD.

THE PAPARAZZI IS APPROACHING, AND V. STIVIANO IS OUT.

SHE VALUES HER PRIVACY,

BUT IS UNDER STRICT DOCTOR'S ORDERS

TO LOWER HER ROOF.

WILL HE GET A PICTURE?

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CAPTURE A LEGLESS TORTOISE.

SHE'S TRYING TO SPEED AWAY, BUT FERRARIS ONLY GO SO FAST.

AND THERE SHE GOES!

I WANT TO WARN YOU -- WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR

IS INCREDIBLY VILE

AND REPRESENTS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMANITY.

OKAY.

SO IT MIGHT GIVE YOU AN ERECTION.

[ CHUCKLES ] LET'S HEAR IT.

LISTEN.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT'S NOT MARKETABLE. IT'S NOT SHOCKING.

IT'S NOT -- [ SCOFFS ]

WE LIVE IN QUITE A JADED SOCIETY.

THIS IS SAD.

FINE, FINE.

NO PROBLEM.NO HARD FEELINGS.

GODSPEED.

AND -- AND WHEN YOU GO TO HELL,

I HOPE THAT YOU GET THE FIRST UP-SKIRT SHOT OF SATAN.

I REALLY DO.

ALL RIGHT.

[ GRUNTS ]

NO!

NOOOO!

NOOOO!

HEY, TRIUMPH! TRIUMPH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?[ GASPING ]

OH, IT WAS TERRIBLE.

I HAD A NIGHTMARE.

I WAS NAKED.

OH, WELL, EVERYONE'S HAD THAT NIGHTMARE.

BUT SO WAS MICHAEL CHIKLIS.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

WOULD IT HELP YOU GET BACK TO SLEEP

IF WE TRIED YOUR WHITE-NOISE MACHINE?

LET'S SEE.

[ WATER SPLASHES ]WATER BOWL.

NOT TONIGHT.

UH, BABBLING URINAL.

[ LIQUID BABBLING ]

STILL CAN'T SLEEP.

OH.

HOW ABOUT JOHN LEGUIZAMO ONE-MAN SHOW?

John: HEY, ANTHONY,

WHY YOU NO COME AROUND HERE NO MORE?

I SEE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME, PAPI.

ANY OTHER NIGHT, I'D BE OUT COLD.

BUT ONLY YOUR VOICE WILL DO IT.

READ ME A BEDTIME STORY.

OH, A BEDTIME STORY?

SURE.

OH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, "THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN."

YES, IT'S A CLASSIC.

SO READ IT NICE AND LOUD.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

THOSE SHOCKING WORDS, OF COURSE, FROM JACK MLICKI,

FORMER CHILD STAR.

SO UPSETTING TO HEAR THAT WORD, EVEN WHEN IT IS BLEEPED.

AND SPEAKING FOR MYSELF, EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT WORD

IN SECRETLY RECORDED CONVERSATIONS

THAT WE ARE LEAKING, I JUST GET SICK.

LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN.

THERE HE IS!

DOG'S BEST FRIEND!

HIDE ME.

JUNE!

YOU BETTER HELP HIM -- REALLY, RIGHT NOW.

[ SNIFFS ]

JUNE, HELP ME!

JACKY, WHAT'S HAPPENED?

OH, EVERYWHERE I GO, PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME A RACIST.

I'M COVERED WITH EGGS AND SPIT.

I FEEL LIKE A BREAKFAST SANDWICH AT ROY ROGERS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT THROUGH INSEMINATING A BISON.

[ Laughing ] DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS IS GREAT, JACK.

YOU'RE BACK IN THE GAME.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU DO HERE?

Shh, shh, shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Shhhhh!

IT'S ALMOST ON. TURN IT UP.

THE USE OF THE N-WORD IS NOTHING TO BE EXCUSED.

NO ONE SHOULD USE THE N-WORD.

WELL SAID, REVEREND.

AND I WANT TO BE THE FIRST CO-STAR FROM "TRIUMPH'S BOY,"

AVAILABLE ON VHS AT AMAZON FROM T&Y MEDIA,

A 95% POSITIVE SELLER,

TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE HURTFUL COMMENTS

OF MY FORMER FRIEND.

ALL OF US HAVE SAID THINGS THAT WE REGRET.

THAT'S RIGHT, AL, LIKE WHEN YOU ASKED

FOR YOUR LIPOSUCTION PUMP TO BE SET TO "TREE FROG."

NO, I KID. I KID. YOU LOOK GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOWN TO -- 160,

150 VIEWERS?

I CONDEMN HIS WORDS BECAUSE OF THE CULTURE IT CREATES.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, REVEREND.

WASN'T ALL THIS STUFF HE SAID FROM A BOOK?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE IT THERE.

THANK YOU BOTH FOR YOUR TIME TONIGHT.

YOUR POLL RESULTS AND MY THOUGHTS ARE NEXT.

CAN'T WAIT.

♪ DE-DE-DO-DO-DE

[ DIALING ]

[ Ringing ]MAN: Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling the Oprah Winfrey Network.

How can I help you?

YES, THANK YOU.

I HAVE AN INCREDIBLE GUEST FOR OPRAH.

YOU -- HIS NAME IS JACK MLICKI FROM "TRIUMPH'S BOY."

HE SAID HE'S -- HE'S READY TO APOLOGIZE

AND GET OPRAH'S OFFICIAL BLESSING.

YOU KNOW, HE'LL COME ON THE SHOW,

AND, UH, OPRAH WILL, YOU KNOW, OFFER SALVATION

AND ANOINT HIM,

AND HE'LL BE ANOINTED IN OPRAH WATER.

HELLO?

Yes, sir.

Yes, uh, unfortunately,

due to our security and legal policy,

the Oprah Winfrey Network does not accept or receive

any unsolicited submissions.

WHAT IF YOU TOLD HER I WAS A HAM SANDWICH?

WITH EXTRA MAYONNAISE?

Yes, unfortunately, sir,

I would not be able to comment on that.

ALL RIGHT.

I'VE GOT A DIET COKE, TOO.

HELLO?

Yes, sir.

FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO COMMEND YOU FOR NOT HANGING UP YET.

[ LAUGHS ]

Let me put you on hold for one second.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.

OKAY.

WHAT? WHAT?

SO WE GOT NOs FROM "ELLEN," "THE VIEW," "THE TALK,"

"STEVE HARVEY," "CHARLIE ROSE."

"CHARLIE ROSE"?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

APPARENTLY, THEY THINK THE STORY IS FADING.

YESTERDAY, A SECURITY CAMERA CAUGHT KEVIN SPACEY

PICKING HIS NOSE AT A CHIPOTLE.

GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE.

HEY. EASY WITH THIS.

THIS IS WHAT THE OLD MEDICINE BALL

GRABBED THE PHONE FROM ME FOR?

IN THREE MINUTES,

WE'RE GONNA GET THE TRUTH

AS TO WHETHER TAMAURUS IS THE FATHER OF SHAKAKWA'S BABY.

[ AUDIENCE OHHs ]

BUT FIRST, WE HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH TRIUMPH NADLER AND THE REVILED JACK MLICKI.

[ AUDIENCE BOOING ]

JUST BE THANKFUL

THAT JUNIE APPARENTLY MASSAGED MR. POVICH'S PROSTATE

AT THE DAYTIME EMMY AWARDS AFTER PARTY

ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

UH, THANK YOU, MAURY.

OH, WHAT A GREAT CROWD.

YOU PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SO ENTHUSIASTIC.

Shakakwa: "YOU PEOPLE"?

LIKE WE TALK BACK AT THE MOVIE SCREEN?

THE HELL? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

HUH? WE LOUSY TIPPERS, TOO?

THIS MOTHER [BLEEP] TRYING TO SAY

WE DON'T LEAVE NOTHING ON THE MOTHER [BLEEP] TABLE.ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. NOW -- NOW -- NOW --NO, GET OFF ME.

GET OFF ME.NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. NOW -- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

TRIUMPH, ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES.

HAS HE ALWAYS BEEN A HATEFUL BIGOT?

OH, I WOULDN'T CALL HIM HATEFUL, AS FAR AS MASTERS GO.

WAIT. DID HE JUST CALL HIM "MASTERS"?

[ AUDIENCE OOHs ]NO, NO, NO, NO.

HE WAS QUITE FRIENDLY.

HE'D SAY, "GOOD BOY," AND RUB MY HEAD!

MAN, DON'T COME OVER HERE, MAN. I'LL SLAP YOU!WHAT?! THAT IS RACIST!

[ CHANTING "RACIST" ]

[ ALL CHANTING "RACIST" ]

WOW.

THIS MAURY GUY'S GOOD. I BET HE HAS US BACK.

TRIUMPH, I DO NOT THINK THIS IS WORKING.

[ CHANTING CONTINUES ]

OW! NOW, I AM QUITE SURE THIS ISN'T WORKING.

YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS JAM RIGHT NOW!

ALL RIGHT, OKAY. HOLD ON.

I GOT TO THINK.

IF ONLY I COULD FREEZE TIME.

[ CHANTING STOPS ]

WHOA. WHAT -- WHAT HAPPENED?

THAT ACTUALLY WORKED?

SALUTATIONS, GENTLEMEN.

WOW. WHO'S THAT?

I THINK IT'S ALBERT EINSTEIN

OR BARBARA WALTERS BEFORE HAIR AND MAKEUP.

PROFESSIONALLY, MY NAME IS MARK TWAIN.

OH, FROM THE N-WORD BOOK.

I CAME BEARING ADVICE FOR YOUNG JACK.

OH, YES, PLEASE.

THE TIMID MAN YEARNS FOR FULL VALUE

AND DEMANDS A TENTH.

THE BOLD MAN STRIKES FOR DOUBLE AND COMPROMISES ON PAR.

DOES THE BOLD MAN EVER USE AN EYEBROW TRIMMER?

TRIUMPH.

SERIOUSLY, WE WANT ADVICE FROM THIS GUY?

HEY, DOC BROWN,

SET YOUR FLUX CAPACITOR TO "SHOWER."

CAN I GET MY ADVICE OUT, PLEASE?

YES, TRIUMPH, PLEASE.

LET THE NICE OLD BAG LADY SPEAK.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

TWEET OUT A PICTURE OF YOUR DICK.

IT'LL CHANGE THE CONVERSATION,

GET PEOPLE TO THINK YOU'RE INSANE,

WHICH IS BETTER THAN RACIST.

NO WAY! ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHAT? THAT WAS THE FIRST INTELLIGENT THING HE SAID.

NO. I SAID NO.

MY PRIVATES ARE PRIVATE.

ALL RIGHT, FANCY PANTS.

THERE'S ONE OTHER OPTION.

[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ CHANTING "RACIST" ]

[ AUDIENCE BOOING ]

ALL RIGHT, STOP, STOP, STOP! STOP!

[ CHANTING, BOOING STOP ]STOP YOUR BOOING!

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

I DID NOT USE THAT TERRIBLE WORD BECAUSE I MEANT IT.

I SAID IT BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD BRING ME HERE,

TO "THE MR. MAURY POVICH SHOW."

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, I AM IN LOVE WITH SHAKAKWA.

OH, NO, NO. NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, JACK, I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

I MEAN, SHAKAKWA HAS BEEN DISAPPOINTED,

LITERALLY, BY HUNDREDS OF MEN.

YOU ARE THE LIGHT IN MY EYE, MISS SHAKAKWA.

I-I LOVE YOU.

MAY I KISS YOU, MISS SHAKAKWA?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO.

YOU SEE THAT?NO, NO, NO. WAIT.

THAT'S SOME GENTLEMEN [BLEEP] RIGHT THERE.PUT A RING ON IT, HO.

OH, YOU WANT THAT [BLEEP]?PUT A RING ON IT, HO.

COME HERE.GO GET THAT [BLEEP]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OKAY, WATCH HER DUSTY-ASS WEAVE, MAN.

WATCH THAT [BLEEP] WATCH IT.

[ AUDIENCE CHEERS ]

DO YOU SEE NOW?

NOW, IF I WAS A RACIST,

WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?NOW -- NOW -- NOW --

NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW...PUT A RING ON IT, PLAYER.

WAIT A -- WAIT A -- WAIT A MINUTE.PUT A RING ON IT.

NOW, JACK. JACK. YEAH.

IF YOU LOVE HER, WHAT HE IS SAYING IS...

BACK THAT [BLEEP] ON UP.

UHH.

IT'S WHAT TWAIN WOULD'VE WANTED.

MISS SHAKAKWA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

OOH.

YES, I WILL, WHITE [BLEEP]

WHOO! WHOO-HOO! COME HERE.

WHOO-HOO! WHOO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]WHOO! WHOO!

GO PUT YOUR [BLEEP] SHIRT BACK ON!

HA! WHOO!

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] AIN'T MY BABY, HO!

I GOT A MOTHER [BLEEP] WHITE MAN.AIN'T MY BABY, HO!

EVERY THIS [BLEEP] IN THE [BLEEP] [BLEEP] HOUSE.

PUT THIS SHIT IN THE MICROWAVE, HO!

YOU GET OUT OF MY FACE.[BLEEP] YOU!

FEED THE BABY, BITCH.GO FEED THAT SHIT.

WHO YOU TALKING TO?

SO, YOU'RE TELLING ME, FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS,

I CAN DRINK ALL THE MILK AND ANTIBIOTICS I WANT?

[ Chuckling ] YEAH, IT'S GREAT.

UNLESS WE VOTE YOU OFF.

YOU CAN VOTE?

[ SIGHS ]

I SWEAR I MEANT WELL, JACK.

I ONLY WANTED TO GET FAMOUS

FROM YOU BEING FAMOUS FOR RACISM.

I KNOW, BUDDY, AND IT'S NOT ALL BAD.

I LIKE SHARING FEEDING DUTIES WITH SHAKAKWA.

YEAH, SHAKAKWA'S GOT HER HANDS FULL.

♪ BA-DA, BA-DA, BA-DA

♪ UNH, BA, BA-DE

UH, WHAT ABOUT NEXT MONTH? I'M DOING A REALITY SHOW.

WHAT IS IT?

[ Chuckling ] OH, IT'S -- IT'S CALLED "THE VEAL WORLD."

IT'S A GROUP OF FO-- SON OF A BITCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOLY SHIT. COME ON, FATONE.

YOU HAVE FEWER LINES THAN YOU DID IN 'NSYNC.

NO SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]