Original subtitles

"THE JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW"

IS FILMED IN FRONT OF THE CAST OF "THE BIG LEBOWSKI."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HIS GARBAGE BAG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

* YA-DA, DA-DA-DA, HERE COMES TRIUMPH *

* HE'S GOING TO BE IN THE HOTTEST BOOK, HEY! *

* DA-DA-DEE-DO-DEE-DA-DA

* DA-DA-DEE-DO-DEE-DO

SO, JUNE,

YOU MEAN THEY REALLY MAKE COFFEE FROM BEANS THAT CATS POOP OUT?

THOSE CATS ARE CALLED "CIVETS," DEAR.

AND, YES, THEY'RE LOCKED IN TINY, FILTHY LIVING QUARTERS,

LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL OR A HOUSEKEEPER.

UGH.

THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO PROTEST.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SURE DO.

THAT'S WHY I ALSO MADE A SIGN.

[ CHUCKLES ] SEE?

JACKIE, DEAR, THE LAST TIME I BROUGHT YOU TO A PROTEST,

YOU STARTED A TICKLE FIGHT. [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, THEN, I KNOW ANOTHER WAY I CAN HELP.

AHH.

COFFEE BREAK.

NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU USUALLY ONLY MAKE THAT FACE

WHEN SOMEONE'S TRYING TO EXPLAIN KWANZAA.

OH, LOOK AT THIS!

OH, FINE, GOOD.

SO, WHAT'S ROSA SHARTS PROTESTING TODAY?

SLIGHTLY COLD ROOMS?

FONT SIZES BELOW 72?

CAN IT, SHIT SACK.

I'M VERY -- I'M VERY BUSY.

[ CHUCKLES ] SHE REALLY IS.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO TRY MY HOMEMADE COFFEE.

WELL, SURELY, YOU'LL GIVE IT A TRY, HUH, PAL?

OH, OF COURSE I WILL.

A TRUE FRIEND SUPPORTS YOU IN EVERY ENDEAVOR.

[ SPITTING ]

[ PANTING ]

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

NOW I KNOW WHAT A PICTURE OF JUNE NAKED TASTES LIKE.

COME ON, NOW, JUNE HAS NEVER POSED NAKED.

HER LINGERIE SPREAD IN AARP MAGAZINE WAS VERY TASTEFUL.

COME ON. I CAN'T MAKE SIGNS. I CAN'T MAKE COFFEE.

SURELY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT, RIGHT, JUNIE?

OF COURSE THERE IS.

OH, WAIT. DO YOU NEED AN AMBULANCE, OR, UH --

OR AM I NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING?

YOU'RE A VERY SOUND SLEEPER.

BYE!

[ SIGHS ] WELL, AND IT SOUNDED LIKE FUN.

THEY'RE PROTESTING THIS COFFEE MADE

FROM BEANS THAT HAVE, UH, PASSED THROUGH THESE CATS.

MIXING POOP AND COFFEE?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHO WOULD DO THAT TO POOP?

TELL THAT TO THE FOLKS DOWN AT THE ORGANIC MARKET.

THEY'RE BUYING IT FOR $300 A POUND.

[ CHA-CHING! ]

OH, BOY. I DON'T LIKE THAT LOOK.

I KNOW. IT KIND OF ITCHES.

HERE, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

WHEW.

YOU GOT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT MONEY.

THANK YOU. OH, SO MUCH BETTER.

* BA-DA-BOO-PA-BEE-BA

OKAY, KITTY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER.

TIME TO MAKE THE COFFEE.

AND TO GET RICH QUICK...

COME ON. EAT UP.

WHAT'S WRONG?

TOO GOOD FOR COFFEE BEANS AND OFF-BRAND LAXATIVES?

THIS IS ALL SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S EATEN

SINCE 1993.

FINE. BE THAT WAY.

I'LL JUST FIND SOMETHING DUMBER, MORE COMPLACENT,

SOMETHING THAT WILL EAT ANYTHING PUT IN FRONT OF HIM.

MMM, MMM.

PLEASE DON'T TELL JUNE I'M EATING CANDY.

SHE SAYS IT'S FOR SAD PEOPLE AND PEDOPHILES.

[ CHA-CHING! ]

* BEE-BOO-BEE-BOP-BOO

OKAY, AND YOU'RE SURE THAT'S THE LAST OF BEANS YOU ATE?

YEAH, PLUS THERE WAS A MARBLE I SWALLOWED WHEN I WAS 9.

[ STOMACH GURGLES ]

UGH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T FORGET YOUR BEAN-PICKING GLOVES!

[ COFFEE MAKER BEEPS ]

OH, JUNE!

OH.

MORE OF JACK'S COFFEE?

OH, DEAR.

COME ON. DRINK, DRINK.

IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO HIM.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD, I MEAN REALLY GOOD!

ARE YOU SURE THAT JACK MADE THIS?

YES.

WHO KNEW HE HAD IT IN HIM?

[ RIM SHOT ]

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

MORE BEANS.

[ SPITTING ]

UGH, YOU TURNED JACKIE INTO A GOSH-DARN CIVET.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

YOU HAVE A GOD-GIVEN TALENT HERE.

OH, I GOT TO SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD.

EH, SLOW DOWN, STARBUTTS.

LOOK, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE

THIS APPEALS TO OUR TARGET AUDIENCE --

PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES WHO LOVE COFFEE

AND CAN'T RESIST OVERPRICED, GIMMICKY BULLSHIT.

WE NEED TO TEST IT ON --

UH, COME WITH ME WHILE I FINISH THIS SENTENCE.

...HIPSTERS.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CIVET COFFEE?

OH, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS?

YES. WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

THIS HAS PASSED THROUGH THE INTESTINES

OF A FORMER CHILD STAR.

OH. [ LAUGHS ] EVEN BETTER.

SO THAT IT HAS THE SPECIAL KIND OF BITTERNESS

THAT ONLY CHILD STARS CAN CONJURE UP.

IT'S RICH, LIKE YOUR PARENTS,

AND DARK, LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU PUSHED OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH.

YOU KNOW, TIME WAS IF YOU WANTED TO EXPERIENCE

THE INSIDE OF A CHILD ACTOR, YOU NEEDED A NEVERLAND RANCH.

NOT ANYMORE. [ LAUGHS ]

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, DOING ALL RIGHT.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT. I CAN SEE YOU'RE PRETTY BUSY RIGHT NOW --

WRITING THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE, RIGHT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, I GOT A COUPLE MINUTES.

SERIOUSLY, HOW'S THE SCREENPLAY COMING?

IT'S TOUGH. IT'S COMING ALONG, THOUGH.

YEAH, LISTEN, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THE ENDING,

BUT YOU GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS AND GET A JOB AT TARGET.

WHERE DID YOU SAY IT COMES FROM?

TAKE ANOTHER SIP. HIS ASSHOLE.

MM.

WOW.

RIGHT? IT'S NOT BAD. YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

TELL US THE SCREENPLAY. NO, I WANT TO HEAR IT.

YES, PLEASE. TELL US. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S, UH -- IT'S A RITE-OF-PASSAGE STORY

ABOUT A KID AND A FATHER. OOH, RITE OF PASSAGE.

SURE. THEY'RE IN AMERICA.

THE DAD HAS TO GET DEPORTED.

MM-HMM. HE HAS TO GO BACK TO SWEDEN.

MM-HMM. AND THE KID IS VERY YOUNG.

HE'S GROWING UP, AND HE -- HE... AH.

HE BECOMES A WRITER. OH.

AND HE'S VERY INTERESTED IN WRITING ABOUT SWEDEN.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIS FATHER'S THERE.

SO HE TAKES A BOAT RIDE TO GO OVER THERE.

AND ON THE BOAT RIDE, HE MEETS A PROSTITUTE

WHO -- WHO MAKES HIM A MAN. MM-HMM.

AND WHEN HE GETS TO SWEDEN, HE MEETS HIS FATHER,

BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S HIS FATHER,

AND THE FATHERS A WRITER, TOO.

SO, THEY START WRITING TOGETHER

AND TOURING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER.

[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]

IT... IT'S THAT BAD?

NO, IT WASN'T. THAT BAD?

DO I HAVE TO START OVER? NO, NO. DON'T.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE COFFEE?

I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE, PLEASE.

I LIKE YOU. YOU'RE A TRUE INDIVIDUAL.

YOU THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.

THEN YOU GO BACK INSIDE THE BOX TO SLEEP.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

SO, THAT'S GOOD. WE LIKE THE COFFEE.

JACK, WE'RE IN. YEAH.

OH, THIS IS GREAT NEWS, LADIES.

I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT...

AS YOU APPRECIATE MY OUTPUT.

[ LAUGHS ]

NICE. SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?

* YA-DEE-LEE-DO

Triumph: OKAY.

AND YOUR ORDER OF ONE LARGE DARK, STEAMING CUP OF JACK

COMES TO $19.93.

WOULD THAT BE CASH OR YOUR FATHER'S CREDIT CARD?

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

WHEW.

OH, WOW.

LOOK AT THIS CROWD HERE FOR MY COFFEE!

OH, YES, JACK.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE EVEN STARTING TO ATTRACT CONTEMPTIBLE, HIP CELEBRITIES.

LOOK.

[ JACK GASPS ] AAH!

OH, WOW. IT'S EZRA KOENIG FROM VAMPIRE WEEKEND.

WE ACTUALLY MET BEFORE

AT THE 2011 "MEN WHO LOOK LIKE BOYS" CONVENTION.

HERE. TAKE THIS. ON THE HOUSE.

FOR YOU.

WHOA. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

I JUST RECOMMENDED YOUR COFFEE TO MY ENTIRE FAN BASE.

FANTASTIC. I HOPE YOUR MOTHER AND THE DUDE SHE WOKE UP WITH

WILL VISIT SOON.

THAT WAS UNNECESSARILY CRUEL.

WRITE A FRUITY SONG ABOUT IT.

[ SQUEALS ]

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THE GUY WHO SANG...

A BUNCH OF SONGS THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD PROBABLY LIKE

LIKES SOMETHING THAT I MADE.

[ SQUEALS ] [ LAUGHS ]

IT JUST MAKES MY HEART FLUTTER!

AND IT'S NOT STOPPING.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

NEAT.

YOU NO-GOOD NUT GUZZLER.

OH! UH, JUNE.

UH, HOW DID YOU FIND THIS PLACE?

THERE'S NOT AN AQUA-AEROBICS CLASS WITHIN MILES OF HERE.

YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, WELL, I-I JUST THOUGHT THIS PLACE SHOULD START

REFLECTING MY PERSONALITY AS MUCH AS THE DRINKS DO.

UH, JERSEY JIMMY AND THE PARAMUS PARROTS?

JERSEY'S LEADING JIMMY BUFFETT COVER BAND?

GET YOUR FLAIR HAIRS, FOLKS!

[ LAUGHS ] JACK, PLEASE, STOP.

PLEASE. YOU'RE DISTURBING THEM.

HERE. BUY TWO OF THESE, GET ONE FREE PUMPKIN-SPICE LATTE.

JACK, THAT'S NOT EVEN ON THE MENU!

[ GRUNTS ] I'M WORKING ON IT!

[ COUGHING ]

NO, JACK. OH, NO.

I THINK YOUR BIRD-FACED FRIEND IS LOSING THE CUSTOMERS.

YEAH.

WAIT, WAIT!

EVERYBODY...

IT'S IRONIC.

HE'S BEING IRONIC!

[ LAUGHS ]

HE HAS CONTEMPT FOR WHAT HE APPEARS TO LIKE.

YES, COME.

JIMMY BUFFETT, YES.

[ SIGHS ] COME ON IN, EVERYBODY!

GOSH, YOUR SOULS LOOK SO GOOD TODAY.

[ HEART BEATING LOUDLY ]

[ SQUEALING ]

JACK, IS THAT YOUR HEART? ARE YOU OKAY?

WHAT?! I AM MORE THAN OKAY!

THANKS TO THIS COFFEE, I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I MATTER TO PEOPLE,

LIKE AN ASTRONAUT OR A MISSING WHITE TEENAGER.

[ HEARTBEAT STOPS ]

I CAN'T TELL IF I'M HAVING A SEIZURE,

OR IF I AM HAVING A SEIZURE AND LOVING IT!

UGH.

OH, JACKIE! OH!

IS ANYONE A DOCTOR?

DOES ANYONE HAVE A JOB?

GET OVER HERE. COME ON UP HERE. NOW! NOW!

* BA-BA-DA-DUM

JACKAHOLICS, YOUR HERO HAS RETURNED!

JACKAHOLICS...

TRIUMPH, IT'S SO NICE

THAT YOU'RE SERVING COFFEE TO ALL THESE DEAF PEOPLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

JACK, I, UH, DIDN'T EXPECT YOU BACK SO SOON.

UH, ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T NEED, UH, SOME MORE TIME OFF?

OH, NO WAY. IT TOOK FOUR WEEKS AT A ZEN RETREAT,

BUT I MADE A BIG DISCOVERY.

JUST BECAUSE A BALD ASIAN MAN IN A ROBE INVITES YOU TO STAY,

THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT A ZEN RETREAT.

ANYWAY, I AM BACK AND READY TO WORK.

OKAY, UH...

WH-WHOA.

Ezra: SOMEONE'S IN HERE.

DID YOU REPLACE ME?

NO!

THEY COULD BE WASHING THEIR HA--

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. [ SIGHS ]

HIS PICTURE IS ON MY LOGO!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FORMER CHILD ACTOR.

YES, BUT I NEVER TECHNICALLY WENT THROUGH PUBERTY.

EXCUSE ME. APATOW ROYALTY COMING THROUGH.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

UH-HUH. OH, MY GOODNESS.

EZRA! EZRA! LOOK!

LOOK!

EZRA, LOOK.

IT'S PAUL RUDD -- EVERY COMEDY MOVIE'S FOURTH PHONE CALL.

NO, LOOK, YOU GOT TO TELL THEM

I'M PART OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE NOW.

IF THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT MOVIE, I WANT $20 MILLION

AND A RESEARCH LIBRARY BUILT IN MY NAME.

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT KIND. I GOT TO GO.

PAUL RUDD.

YOU'RE FADING WELL.

YOU GUYS GOT PAUL RUDD?

WELL, COME ON. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS MOVIES?

HE'S NATURALLY DRAWN TO SHIT.

UH, I'LL TAKE TWO AMERIKOENIGS -- ONE FOR ME

AND ONE FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE'S FAVORITE BABYSITTER.

I'LL HAVE A LARGE.

I DON'T KNOW. OUR LARGE IS PRETTY BIG.

CAN SOMEONE HELP YOU CARRY IT?

I ASSURE YOU, I CAN CARRY IT. OKAY, OKAY.

I-I JUST FIGURED SINCE YOU CAN'T CARRY A FILM,

A 12-OUNCE COFFEE MIGHT BE A PROBLEM.

I KID. I KID.

UH, HONESTLY, HONESTLY, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU HERE.

IN FACT, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN

NOW THAT CHRIS PRATT EXISTS.

YOUR BARBS DON'T HURT ME.

I STOPPED BEING SELF-AWARE IN 2012.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME A COFFEE AND FIND ME A SEAT?

I'M EXHAUSTED FROM CARRYING MY WALLET ALL DAY.

NO PROBLEM. YOU WANT TO SIT, BIG GUY?

NO PROBLEM. HERE.

HEY, GUYS! CHARLIE KAUFMAN IS ACROSS THE STREET,

AND HE'S HAVING TROUBLE THINKING OF SCREENPLAY IDEAS.

THERE YOU GO. GO AHEAD.

GO RIGHT THERE.

SO, I GUESS THIS IS REALLY THE END FOR ME.

HEY, LOOK.

[ SIGHS ] I KNOW YOU'RE BLUE

THAT PEOPLE LIKE KOENIG'S BUTT BEANS BETTER THAN YOURS.

SO I GOT YOU A GIFT.

A MARBLE?

NOT JUST ANY MARBLE --

THE ONE YOU FOUND IN YOUR SHIT.

FROM THE FIRST TIME I ATE THE BEANS?

YEAH. MY VIRGIN BATCH.

AWW, TRIUMPH. I GUESS I DON'T NEED A SHOP FULL OF FANS,

AS LONG AS I HAVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

EXCUSE ME. I-I'M SORRY.

MY -- MY YACHT EAR IS ACTING UP,

SO I MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD CORRECTLY,

BUT DID YOU SAY THAT MARBLE HAS BEEN PASSED?

Triumph: UH, NO, UH...

PASSED IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE ON "DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS."

UH...

THIS MARBLE -- THIS MARBLE HAS BEEN POOPED. POOPED.

I'LL GIVE YOU $500 FOR IT.

WHAT?!

ARE YOU MAD?

CLEARLY, YOU'RE NOT WEALTHY ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND,

BUT ALL REALLY RICH PEOPLE KNOW

THAT ANY ITEM BECOMES INFINITELY MORE VALUABLE

ONCE IT'S BEEN PASSED THROUGH THE INTESTINE.

EVERYTHING? NOT JUST COFFEE BEANS?

EVERYTHING.

IN FACT, EACH ITEM OF CLOTHING THAT I GAVE THIS BABYSITTER

TO TALK HER INTO GETTING AN ABORTION

WAS SWALLOWED AND DEFECATED BY MOROCCAN ARTISANS.

MOROCCAN ARTISANS?

MY GOODNESS.

THIS FABRIC ON THIS.

MY GOODNESS.

SUCH QUALITY.

AND IF INNARDS COULD DO THIS TO THE CLOTHES --

BUT, TRIUMPH, THAT MARBLE WAS A GIFT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SORRY, RUDD, BUT SOME THINGS ARE WORTH MORE THAN MONEY.

WHAT IF I SWALLOWED IT?

HEY, YOU KNOW,

YOU WRITE SONGS THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD LIKE.

$10,000.

$10,000?!

HERE YOU GO.

EAT IT, POOP IT, COME BACK.

TRIUMPH! SORRY, MAN.

ME AND THAT SICKLY EUROPEAN PRINCE HAVE A FORTUNE TO MAKE.

* DO-DOODLEY-A-BAP-OH

HI.

YOU'VE ENJOYED OUR COFFEE THAT HAS COME OUT OF EZRA KOENIG.

NOW WE INVITE YOU TO ENJOY MORE.

ACTION FIGURES, NOVELTY KEY CHAINS,

GIFT CARDS, AND THIS ONE SPORK.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

AND VISIT OUR USED-CAR LOT, TOO.

Triumph: WHEN IS AN ECONOMY CAR NOT AN ECONOMY CAR?

WHEN IT HAS BEEN PASSED, PIECE BY PIECE,

THROUGH THE BUTT LIPS OF AN ENDANGERED AFRICAN ELEPHANT.

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]

THE 1995 BUICK CENTURY --

LUXURY JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW SMELL.

* DO-DOODLEY-A-BAP-OH

I'M SORRY, CUBA GOODING JR., BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

EZRA KOENIG JUST DOESN'T HAVE TIME

TO SWALLOW EVERY COPY OF "SNOW DOGS."

YOU!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, THIS NOTE THAT JACK LEFT.

"I REALIZE I'M WORTHLESS,

SO I'VE GONE TO DO THE ONLY THING I KNOW WILL CHANGE THAT."

OH, NO!

HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO HIMSELF.

OH, GOOD LORD.

HE'S GOING TO WATCH

AN ORIGINAL SHOW ON AMAZON PRIME.

NO! BUT ALMOST AS BAD.

JACK!

DON'T DO IT! STOP!

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]

JACK!

JACK, NO. PLEASE.

JACK, DON'T DO IT.

WHY NOT? I'M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING.

NOBODY WANTS ME.

I'M AS WORTHLESS AS UN-POOPED BUICK.

BUT IF I PASS THROUGH THIS ELEPHANT,

AT LEAST I'LL BE WORTH SOMETHING.

JACK, LISTEN TO ME.

I KNOW IT WAS GREAT WHEN EVERYBODY LOVED YOUR COFFEE,

BUT YOU GOT SO FOCUSED ON THE CRAP INSIDE YOU,

THAT YOU FORGOT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT --

THE CRAP INSIDE YOU.

NOW, THAT IS CONFUSINGLY PHRASED.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

NOW, COME ON DOWN.

AND LET ME GET A BIG WHIFF OF MY FAVORITE CRAP.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] AAH!

NO!

NO!

NO-O-O-O!

GET ME OUT OF HERE! OH, MY.

DON'T WORRY, JACK. DON'T WORRY.

I'VE KEPT THIS ON ME

EVER SINCE THE COURT SAID I COULDN'T LEGALLY CARRY MACE.

IT'S JUNE'S LINGERIE SHOOT FROM AARP MAGAZINE.

HERE IT IS, ELEPHANT! LOOK AT THAT!

[ ELEPHANT RETCHES ]

YES! YES!

YOU SAVED ME.

WELL, ME AND JUNE'S MUFFIN TOPS.

NOW LET'S GO WIPE YOU OFF WITH JUNE'S GOOD TOWELS, BUDDY.

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]

[ ELEPHANT FARTS, TRUMPETS ]

[ SIGHS ]

I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.

AND ONCE I FIND A BLUE WHALE, I'LL FEEL LIKE A BILLION.

BRUCE, DAFFODIL, LET'S ROLL.

[ SHOES SQUISHING ]

I'M NOT UPSET. I-I-I'M NOT JEALOUS.

OH, WELL, ME, NEITHER. [ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY, I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THE ELEPHANT.

* BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DA, OH

* BOP-BA-DEE

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

I -- NOT GOOD.

FIRST PERSON WHO HASN'T LIKED IT.

NO, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

YOU TWEE, INSUFFERABLE FUCK.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW GOOD COFFEE

IF IT WAS FUNNELED STRAIGHT INTO YOUR ASSHOLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M SORRY IT DOESN'T HAVE A PIXIE CUT

AND YOUR DICK IN ITS MOUTH.

HOPE NEXT TIME YOU'RE RIDING YOUR FIXIE AROUND THE RESERVOIR,

A TRUCK HITS YOU,

YOU STUPID FUCKING MUMFORD SON OF A BITCH.

[ LAUGHS ]