All language subtitles for SuperMansion.S02E07_English

-(distant sirens blaring)

-(clattering)
-(gasps)

-Who are you?

-(camera shutter clicking)

-(screams)

-Commissioner Gomez,
you got my message.

-That if I didn't come,
you were gonna jump off
the roof?

Yeah, I got it.
And as I'm sure you know,

I'm required by law
to check on your well-being.

-It was a ruse.
I needed to talk.

-I fucking knew it! Jesus.

-Well, I had to get
your attention!
You don't return my calls!

But don't worry.
Phones about to become obsolete.

I want you to have this.

It's a Saturn Signal.

When you need me,
you just flip this switch
and I'll be on my way.

-Where do you plug this in?
The city's not payin' for this.

-Shh, shh, shh! There's more
important things to discuss.
-(insects buzzing)

I heard another retired model
was kidnapped last night.

I'm offering my services
to bring in this... (spitting)
Silver Bush Bandit.

-We are not callin' him that.
-It'll stick.

-Regardless, I'm not interested
in the League's help.

-Oh, you didn't hear.
I've gone solo.

-Yeah, finally fired you, huh?
-I quit! (spits)

You want me to hit the streets?
(spitting) Rattle some cages?

-(bat screeches)
-Aah, I think the bugs
are starting to attract birds!

-Aah! Birds my ass!
That was a bat!
Turn this fucking thing off!

The bats are attracting
larger birds of prey!
-(screeching)

-Son of a bitch!
-Don't worry, Gomez.

Consider this case closed.
The Silver Bush Bandit

is as good as-- No, no!
Oh, no! Aah! Holy hell!

-(theme music playing)

-(grunting)

-(screeches)

-Robobot:
Breakfast is served.

-All right! The canned stuff!
What's the occasion?

-You remember that heartworm
medication you refused to take?

-(crunches)
-Hey, something's
crunchy in here!

-Checkmate.
-It's for your
own good, Cooch.

If you'd have been
more responsible...
(crunches) Oh, God damn it!

I don't need Lipitor!

-Says you. See ya!

-What are you
lookin' at, Ranger?

-My soon-to-be ex-wife,
Gloria's Facebook page.

-Bad idea. I tell my viewers
to avoid Facebook at all costs
after a breakup.

Oh, my word!
-Exactly. Gloria has used
the divorce as a chance

to explore something
she calls her "fetishes."

Pretty sure it's a made-up word.

-Why are you torturing yourself?

-Well, Gloria has refused
to sign the divorce papers.

Technically,
I'm still a married man.
So if I was to date a woman--

say a black woman,
just picking any race
out of a hat here--

I would be committing adultery!

-If that's the case, there's
no rush in sortin' it out.

Get my meaning?
-Not even going to try!

I've tracked her location
to something called Flesh Fest.

And I now know more
about human anatomy
than a battlefield MD.

-Well, I mediate situations
like this on my show
all the time.

And with Zenith
still grounded

in the God's Realm,
my weekend is free.

-Oh, Portia, I could never--
Okay, let's get you packed,
and I'll book our room.

One king-sized bed should do it.

-Saturn! What are
you doin' here?

That food is
for League members only.

I'm not here for the food!
Though I am absolutely
eating this.

I'm here to pick up
my new sidekick-slash-
personal assistant.

-I'm not sure about the tights,
but my quads sure as shit are!

-Courtney!
-Not anymore!
To me, my Ringler!

-Uhh! Uhh! Hah!

-Link the rings!
Where's Portia?

-I wanna show her
that she's datin'
a superhero now,

so she won't need
to talk to Ranger anymore.

-She went to Flesh Fest,
with Ranger.

-Oh, that-- that-- that's great.

-Social time's over!
The Ringler's on the clock.

My clock.
Unless the League's interested

in hiring us
on a freelance basis?

-Saturn, you don't have
to do this.

You are free to return
at any time.

-I'm not gonna work
for anyone who doesn't
respect me, Rex.

-Fine. Saturn, I respe--

I respe-- I... resp--

You're free to return
at any time.

-You might not know it,
but you need me a lot more
than I need you.

Oh! Rex, can you help me
pick this shit up?

-These photographs...
Where did you get these?

-Doin' a little pro bono work
for the SCPD.

Commissioner Gomez
is in over his head, again.

-The Silver Bush Files?
-Missing models,
all in their 60s.

-So bush as in their-- Oh, God!

Ha! You get it.

-These photographs
were all taken by
the same photographer.

One Mel Gurman.

-I can't find anything
on this guy.

-Well, no. You wouldn't.

Mel Gurman was
a fashion photographer
in the 1970s.

His renowned Gurman Girls
were considered the world's
first supermodels.

-(flashbulbs popping)
- Nina, Greta, and Jan
took the fashion world by storm,

when their every orifice
wasn't getting stormed
by the insatiable Gurman.

Life magazine's words,
not mine.

His lovers referred to Gurman
as superhuman in bed.

His catchphrase,
"Feel the Gurm,"

was a reference
to his potato-shaped penis.

-Life 's features editor
really took the day off
on that one,

-Titanium Rex: He'd leave
his lovers a diamond-stitched
kerchief to clean up with,

custom-made for him
by Frank Flava,

the best goddamned
kerchief maker in the '70s.

-A lot of competition there?

-Oh, you'd be surprised.

Gurman also wore
a sequined glove
on one hand,

ostensibly to protect
his shutter finger.

-And now his models
are missing.

I'd like to ask this guy
a few questions.

-(beeps)
-You're out of luck.
According to public records,

Gurman died
in a fire in 1979.

The body... was never found.

-Sounds suspicious.
-That's why I said it that way.

-Where did this Gurman fellow
like to hang his hat?

-Gurman practically
lived in the trendiest club
in Storm City, Studio 69.

-69, the number of the feast.

-Yeah, you did!
-I'll need an address.

-69 North Benton Way,
but that was 40 years ago.

-Leave the thinking to me.
-Club 69, here we come!
(howls)

-Hmm. Rex?
Did you ever wear glasses?

-Wha! Why do you ask?

-No... reason.

-Ahh, it sounds suspicious.

-Yeah, that's why
I said it that way.

-Dear God! It's like we walked
right into Satan's boudoir!

Have these people
no shame?

-Sexual fantasy
can be very healthy, Ranger.

It's nothin' to be ashamed of.

-Hey?
-Aah!

-American Ranger,
can I get a picture?
-Aah!

I can't be seen in this
public bacchanal!

I need a disguise!

Ah, this will do.

-Ranger, do you know
what that is?

-It's a mask that covers
my entire face and body.

That's why I said,
"Ah, this will do."

-You want a leash
for your dominatrix?

-Absolutely.
-A what now?

-69 North Benton Way.
Yeah, this is the place.

-Trudcuckers?
The burger joint?

Those assholes!
It's just like Robobot
and Rex to send me

on a wild goose chase!

I bet they're trying
to solve this case themselves.

Come on, Ringler!

-My, oh my. Hm.
(chuckles)

-Taking a trip
down memory lane, Rex?

Or should I say,
Mel... Gurman?

You're Mel Gurman.

-No! I-- Well-- Yes, I was.

But I left him behind
long ago.

Seeing those photos, though,
made me wonder if he ever
left me?

-Gonna-- Gonna need you
to give me just a hair more
than that.

-Oh, it was the 1970s.
Every superhero had
a secret identity.

You'd put on a pair of glasses
and part your hair differently,

and no one would recognize you.

It was a real eye-opener
to the stupidity of man.

After a while,
I grew to hate Gurman.

I faked his death in a fire
and never looked back,

until today.

-We have to tell the police.

-No! Gurman is dead!

I swore I'd never
pick up a camera again.

If I take a photo,
I may never stop.

Black Saturn:
Hey, dick! That address
you gave me

is a Trudcuckers!

What are you guys
doing in here?

-Uh...
-Hey, I know this photo.

When I was younger,
this was in heavy rotation
in the old spank bank.

Wait, is this a Gurman?

Yes! This is
the final Gurman Girl.

As far as we know,
she hasn't been kidnapped.

-If we--
-Find her identity,
we might get to her

before Gurman does.

-Eh, maybe we shouldn't
put all our eggs
in that basket.

-Nope. Gurman's the guy.
Unfortunately, this little minx

always wore a Mardi Gras mask.

She'll be impossible
to identify.

-Pulling up public records
on Jan Carlisle.

Changed her name
to Jancy Jones in 1979.

Married Cartwright
Cliff Wheelihan in '83.

So we're looking for...
-Jancy Wheeler.

-Mom?

-(vomiting)
-Well, it looks like
Saturn's spank bank

just went bust.

-Oh-- Saturn!
Jesus, you broke
into my office. Thank God.

-I'm glad to see
you're finally coming around.

-No, see now, I'm within
my legal rights to shoot you.

-Ooh, wait! I know
where the Silver Bush Bandit
is gonna strike next!

-You found the last
Gurman Girl?

-I did. And I paid a hefty price
for that knowledge.

-Look, if you tell me
who she is, then, uh...

-Deal. Ringler? Gomez
is my sidekick now.

Your services
are no longer needed.

-Aww!
-What? No! What I meant
was, I won't shoot you!

What is her name?
-Uh, Jancy! Jancy Wheelihan.

-Wait, wait, wait.
Jancy Wheelihan,
the socialite?

-Yes. Let's not get
into who she's related to.

-Jancy Wheelihan.
I had this poster above my bed
in high school.

Used to give it a tug
to that little sex bomb
day and night.

-Gross! Who would do something
like that, not me, that's
for sure.

Where are you going?

-To the Wheelihan estate,
my friends.

She might know something,
or she may be in danger.

-Looks like I'm back! Huh?

Yeah, I'm back.

-And since the chance
of Black Saturn catching
the perp are exactly zero,

we thought it would be safer
if we kept an eye on you.

-Well, I do have to admit
these kidnappings have me
on edge.

Especially with Cliff
and Dudley at a father-son
horse-choking event.

-(slurping)
-How did Saturn never know

that his mother
was a supermodel?

-I thought it might
scar him to know the truth.

Especially after I found
my poster in his jack shack.

-Oh, hey, dicks.
Come on, come on,
where are they?

-What are you looking for, CJ?

-Ssh! Ssh! Commissioner Gomez
is on his way, and I can't risk
him seeing a photo of me.

-Oh, we don't keep
those out, honey.

But I have been looking
for an excuse

to do some spring cleaning.
Oh, here we go.

-My baby book!

-Goodbye.
-Whoa!

-So what's this all about?

-I didn't want Gomez to know
you're my mom.

-Oh! W-- Well,
should we go ahead
and make it official?

-Bunsen? Will you bring up
the paperwork we had you prepare

when CJ told us
he was dropping out
of high school to detail cars?

-What? You can make, like,
$100 a car,

150 if you can
sell them on the rims.

-(slurping) That's right,
Jeremy, you've been a good boy.
You may eat.

-Gloria!
-Excuse me?

-Put that leash down
and come here this instant!
We need to talk.

-I-- I don't know
where you come from,
but at Flesh Fest,

we expect our gimps
to speak only when spoken to.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Ranger! What are you
doing here?

-I came to remind you that
until you sign these papers,

you are still a married woman!

-Oh, did I not sign those?

-Maybe I can help.
Portia Jones, host
of A Talk in the Clouds.

-I don't watch much
daytime TV,

what with still
having the use
of my legs and all.

Okay. Back on track?
Some people put off
signing divorce papers

as a form of denial,
but by talking about it--

-Or by signing the damn thing
right this instant...

-Same old macho Ranger,
bossin' me around.

Things don't work like that
in this world.

If you wanna
be the top, you have to prove
you can bottom first.

-I can't understand
what she's saying.
This is where you come in.

-You know, I have 2.3 million
weekly viewers, to revisit
an earlier point.

-I've seen your show.
I force Jeremy to watch it

while I beat the bottoms
of his feet.

-What'd you say to me?

-(grunting)

-You steppin'?
-Name the time and the place!

-Oh, okay. You free, uh...
right fucking now?

-Gimp-off!
-A what now?

-Gomez: Well, thank you
for agreein' to answer
a few questions, Mrs. Wheelihan.

And, uh, before we begin,
let me say that I am
a big fan of your work.

-Oh, please.
I find it all embarrassing now.

-I need to know everything
about Mel Gurman.

-Well, our relationship
was mostly sexual.

-Objection!

(clears throat)
Sorry, sorry.

-Oh, what can I say?
Gurman was insatiable.

-Oh, no.
-Gurman bounced from Gurman Girl

to Gurman Girl so often

that we were collectively known
as the Gurman-poline.
-Okay!

-(chuckles)
-They said all that
relentless pounding

gave him a condition
called "balanitis."

-Uh, uh, uh, I hear
that's a temporary condition.

-All I know is
that he had a potato dick,

and no man has been able
to satisfy me since.

-Maybe we do move on.

-This one time, I woke up
next to a koi pond,

which our host
was sure was full of fish
the night before.

He never did find out
where they went.

But the Gurman girls knew.

-Oh, God! (vomits)

-Mrs. Wheelihan, we're
puttin' you under 24-hour
police protection.

-You're sweet.
-Look, I hate to ask you this,

but can I, uh, get a, picture
with you, you know,

to-- to show the guys
back at the precinct?

-Of course.
Cooch, would you
do the honors?

-Wait! I can't-- Mnh!

-Easy, buddy.

-So where's the picture
come out of?

-You're holding it--
-(flash pops)

-Did I do that?
-Oh, turn it around, dear.

-No. Cooch, if-- if-- if you--
-Hold it together, Rex.

-"F-stop"?

-Just put it on automatic.

-Nah, I'm just gonna crank 'em
all up as high as they go.

-Give me that camera!

Head down! Eyes up!
Watch the double chin.

Gomez! Shoulders back!
Who's got the coke?
Work for it, baby!

Come on, clamp down!
Blow me a kiss
with your soul!

-Rex?
-I am not Rex!

My name is Mel Gurman!

-Mel Gurman?

-You? (vomiting)

-Hands in the air,
potato dick!

-Oh, Rex.
-Wha-- What--
What are you doing?

-Mel Gurman,
you are under arrest.

-I can't believe
I didn't see it.
Rex was Gurman all along!

I make a really
ass detective!

-It wasn't all bad.
I went through menopause
five years ago.

But one shoot with Gurman,
and I'll be God damned
if I'm not ovulating.

-Mom! Stop talking!

-Fine. I'll go upstairs.
I need to change my underwear,
take a bath,

and maybe get Bunsen
to bring up some koi.

-Damn, dude,
your mom is a straight-up freak.

Ringler, not now!
We just found out
the leader of the League

is a kidnapping sex pervert.

-You don't honestly believe
Rex is responsible
for those kidnappings?

-You saw what happened
with that camera.

That was some real
Me, Myself & Irene shit
back there.

-Great, so either Rex
is a psychopath who had sex
with my mom,

or he's being framed
and she's still in danger.

-Double back real quick.
Rex had sex with your mom
in both those scenarios,

but if option "B" is true--
-(Jancy screaming)

-All:
Jancy!

-Mommy? Mom?

Mom!

-Look! Whoever took her
left a calling card.

And oh, my God,
that is a shit ton of koi.

-(onlookers cheering)

-You know how this works.

First sub to use
their safe word loses.

-Got it!

-And don't worry
about your reputation.

Healthy adults
in touch with their feelings

don't watch your dreck.

-Talk to me like you--
She done lost her doggone mind
talkin' to me like that. Ooh!

-So what's the play here?
You pull your punches
and I put on a show?

-Oh, that not gonna
win this bitch.
-Portia, I don't feel heard.

You're scaring me. Owwww!

-Mm.

-(laughs) It tickles!
-Beat that, bitch!

-(shrieking) Aah!

-Ooh!

-Oh, no, no, no! Aah!

-Oh, she means business.

So do I.

Portia, Portia! We need
to huddle on this one!

I have some grave concerns.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Ho, ho, ho!

-Ooh!

Pumpernickel!

-Oh, you pussy!
-(onlookers cheering)

-Ha!

-Woooo!

-I don't know how you did it,
but you turned my Ranger
into a prize gimp!

Out of curiosity,
what was his safe word?

-That's the thing!
I didn't give him one!
-You bitch!

I love it!
Where do I sign?

-(flashbulbs popping)

-Book him, boys. We caught
the Silver Bush Bandit.

-This is the sloppiest
police work I have ever seen!

You have nothing on me!

-No, but I got Mel Gurman
dead to rights!

It wasn't enough to kidnap
the attractive elderly women
of this city,

you had to leave
a memento behind.

-The kerchief?
But those were custom-made.

When I faked Gurman's death,
every last one

of those kerchiefs
went up in flames.

-That means--
-These kerchiefs were
made recently.

And the only man working
in this particular crosshatch
weave is one...

-(beeps)
-...Frank Flava.
Husband of Rita Flava.

Rita Flava?
That's one of the Gurman girls.

We need to ask
this Frank some questions.

-(beeps)
It shouldn't be hard
to find him.

He sold his house
last year to build
a kerchief factory.

(beeps)
Below the Trudcuckers
at 69 North Benton Way.

-So it really is there.
I was right! Suck it, Rex!

Suck on this dick!

-Your mother
is in horrific peril.
Might wanna tamp that town.

-Come on, let's move!
Trudcuckers has kickass burgers!

-Okay, we're missing the point
left and right here.

-Hello. Wake up, my dear.

-Frank Flava?

You're the guy
that made Mel Gurman's
jack rags.

-They were kerchiefs!

-Frank! You're my husband!
I thought we were happy.

-Oh, yes. We were.
Except whenever anyone
mentioned the name

Mel Gurman.

Then your eyes would practically
roll back into your head,

as you regaled anyone
who would listen to your
torrid sexploits.

I was supposed to take that
lying down?

-What are you going to do?

-After you are all dead
and it's pinned on him,

Mel Gurman will only be known

as a perverted murderer
with a root-shaped penis.

-It was a potato.

-A potato is a root!

Now I've gotten the Gurman Girls
back together

for one last shoot,
and it's gonna be hot!

-Hey!
-Sorry I didn't have time
to ring the doorbell!

-I'm calling the police-- aah!
-No, you're not!

-Great work, Ringler!
Robobot, how do we
get downstairs?

-Guess I'll use my scanner,
since your sidekick
just inflicted

massive head trauma
on the one man
who could tell us.

-(beeping)

-Got it! This way!

-I knew it! Damn it, I'm good!

Hope you like
suckin' dick, Rex!

-Hey, you know what?
Let's take it easy
on the dick-sucking stuff.

-Smoke!

-Oh, shit.

-That's it, girls.
I am feelin' the heat.

-Gurman was much better
at this part, too.

-Well, then, how about
I just kill you all? Happy?

-Mom! Mom!

Yay!

-Saturn, that was amazing!

-You-- You really thought so?

-The League of Freedom?

-They're the least
of your worries.

Because you're about to feel
the Gurm... an Girls.

-(grunting and groaning)

-Aahhh!

-Ooh!

-Damn, Saturn!
Your mom kicks ass!

-Must be where I get it from!

-Well, I guess that's it.
-We are no longer
husband and wife.

-Why didn't you
sign them before?

-I guess I wasn't ready
to be out of your life.

But seeing you
with your girlfriend
has put me at ease.

-Oh, she's not my--
-Shhh. Goodbye, Ranger.

-Goodbye... Gloria.

-Well, Saturn, you cleared
my name.

I never thought I'd say this,
but I couldn't have done it
without you.

-I can't shake that hand
if it's been inside my mom.

-Then you cannot
shake this hand.

And you know what?
I respect that.

And I respect you.

-Bring it in, pal!
-J-- Just watch
the mom hand, please.

-Oh, right. Sorry.

-Storm City PD would like
to humbly apologize

to Titanium Rex

for this
unfortunate misunderstanding.

And while Black Saturn
undoubtably remains a tool,

Titanium Rex remains
a beacon of hope

for all our citizens.

-Oh, Rex. It's so easy
for you, isn't it?

Always staying one step ahead
of your past.

Maybe it's time I gave your past
a little boost.

Maybe it's time they see
who you really are.

-(theme music playing)

-(monkey chitters)
-Stupid monkey!