Original subtitles

-Babe, we've been dating three months now, and I know it's early, but, well...

(chuckles) look up in the sky.

-Is that a plane? What's it say?

It's flying right in front of the sun.

-That's why I told you to bring sunglasses, Tina.

I wasn't just being a dick.

-Oh, my dear, sweet Christ.

-Is that a "yes"? -(people screaming)

-Shut the fuck up! Look! -(heavy footsteps)

-No, by the way.

-Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is he doing in there? Oh.

Oh, no. God-- God damn it! -(dials)

-I don't see any curly fries on that tray, Blue Menace!

I don't see any curly fries at all!

I would've come in and done it myself, but someone had to watch Blazar.

Did you just take a drink of my Jamocha Shake?

Yeah. I know it's good, motherfucker! That's why I ordered it.

That's it. I'm coming in. -(screeching)

-(heavy footsteps) -(ominous music playing)

-(screeches, chittering)

-No, I know, I know the chicken's good,

but if I'm at Arby's, I'm getting the roast beef.

Oh, shit. Where's Blazar?

-Man: We've decrypted the signal emanating

from the UFO we call "Asteros."

-Why are we calling it "Asteros"?

-(beeps) -I am Asteros,

and I shall be called Asteros.

-Yeah, gotcha.

-I have come for my herald, Blazar.

You will bring him to me or be destroyed.

-Blazar was one of the villains that escaped the League of Freedom's mansion.

They could be our only hope of finding him.

-The fate of the world is in the hands of the League?

Hope NASA sells condoms in the bathrooms, boys,

'cause we's about to get fucked.

-(theme music playing)

-(screeches)

-(groans) Anyone seen my multivitamins?

-Are you talking about the gummy candies I found on the fridge?

-How I choose to get my vitamins

is my business. Have you seen 'em?

-I gave them to Courtney and Saturn.

They needed movie candy.

I wasn't about to let them buy food at a theater

that's still showing "Jack Reacher: Never Go Back."

-(sighs) -Portia, if you'd let me take you to the movies,

we'd purchase our licorice from the top shelf,

first class all the way. I'm talking horehound soda,

Choward's Lemon Mints, the works.

-Courtney and I are very happy. Thank you.

-That was stupid.

-Still mulling over what the Black Saturn from the future told you?

-(sighs) Yeah. Saturn's older self

seemed to think keeping him on the team was a dangerous mistake,

and I have to admit, he is a liability.

-We can get you more vitamins, Rex.

-It's not about my gummies!

Saturn's a wild card.

I can't count the times he's put the team in danger, but I have to--

oh! Agony, you know we have a goddamn doorbell!

-Oh, do you, Rex? Well, I got a goddamn space god

looking to put his foot up planet Earth's ass.

-Are you drunk?

-Any of you motherfuckers been outside?

-(ominous music playing)

-Dang! That thing is bigger than King Leprechaun!

-And unlike whatever thing you just made up, Asteros is real.

We have 12 hours to produce Blazar,

or this thing gonna destroy the world,

so I need your help tracking him down.

-Oh, well, you see, Blazar-- we had to, uh--

-Are you in a production of "Chicago"? -What?

-That's an awful lot of tap dancing, Rex!

What did you do to Blazar?

-Blazar? I nailed him with an EVO-RAY.

He's a space monkey now. Up high!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we talking about?

There's only one thing that matters right now.

-Jack Reacher is back! -That movie's still in the theaters?

-Let's get back on track here.

Saturn, we'll need that EVO-RAY to fix Blazar.

-(hesitantly) Oh, yeah.

-Didn't you drop that in the pool?

-No! Fuck you, Courtney! It's in my room. I'll go find it.

-Yeah, probably can't rely on the EVO-RAY.

-I got that. Unfortunately, I've also got an intergalactic space god

who wants Blazar at precise coordinates in 12 hours.

-Give me those coordinates.

I defeated Blazar in hand-to-hand combat.

For all we know, that makes me Earth's champion.

-Pretty big leap.

-I will talk to Asteros... alone.

-(binoculars whir)

-Well, this is the dumbest thing I have ever been a part of,

and I was once in a hip-hop dance crew called

"Foxy Papa and the Popping Lock Jocks

with Sock Knocker, the Big Booty Rocker."

-Seems like too many words.

-You don't think I know that now?

I was Lock Jock Number Four.

-If Saturn turning Blazar into a monkey

ends up destroying the world,

then future Black Saturn was right.

-(sighs) -(heavy footstep)

-(ominous music playing)

-Where is my herald?

Where is Blazar?

-Well, who's he looking for, Harold or Blazar?

-Well, wish me luck.

-Saturn on radio: Not so fast. I got this, Rex.

-(motorcycle revving)

-Blazar. He did it!

(laughs) He pulled it off!

-(slowed) Don't tell.

-Holy... -Shh...!

-That's Saturn! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

If Asteros is anything like Homey--

and I very much suspect he is-- he's not gonna play that!

-(speaks alien language)

-(hesitantly) Hakuna matata.

Look, when I'm down here, you got to talk to me in human.

-(groans) Blazar, my chosen one,

have you prepared the Earthlings for my coming?

-Not quite yet. Waiting for the perfect time

to start, you know, preparing people.

-You've said nothing about my coming?

-Yeah. I've dropped a few choice hints.

Humans call that foreshadowing.

It's very effective. Just ask Lee Child.

-Is Lee Child also a god?

-Uh, he invented Jack Reacher, so, to many people, yeah.

-Hmm. Your points make sense, Blazar.

When do you think I should arrive?

-How 'bout I call you?

-(ominous music plays)

-That works for me.

Thank you, chosen one. I will leave you.

-(heavy footsteps) -It actually worked! Holy sh--

-Ah-heh-hem!

-(annoyed) What? -You snapped at me pretty hard back there.

-(whispers) What are you doing? -I'm not saying I deserve

an apology, but it couldn't hurt.

-(suspenseful music plays)

-Mm, guilty.

-(all sigh) -Big of you to admit it. You may go.

-(screeching) -Saturn: Uh...

-What the hell? Blazar?

-(laser hums) -No, no, no, no!

-Deception!

-I've been made! Take the shot! Repeat, take the shot!

-Ain't no shot to take, motherfucker!

-Unh-unh. -To me, my Blazar!

Your deception has damned your world.

Prepare to meet your destruction.

Prepare to meet the World Thrasher!

-(ominous music plays)

-Okay. Now Saturn doomed us all.

-Well, I called that.

-(electronic humming)

-Good God. What is Asteros building?

-That, we presume, is the World Thrasher.

If our calculations are correct,

it has the power to consume our planet many times over.

-How long do we have?

-A day, maybe two. -Well, do you know for sure?

'Cause I was about to pull the trigger

on a Flintstones leather jacket on eBay,

and I need to know if I should get next-day shipping.

-Get it. -Luckily, we have a plan.

A nuclear payload delivered to the heart of the device just might bring it down.

-Ah, ah, ah, ah. You don't even have to ask.

The League of Freedom is at your service.

-Oh, uh, we actually have an army

of highly trained astronauts at our disposal.

-(sighs) -But I suppose

it is a suicide mission. You're in.

-Whoo-hoo! -Yes!

-I can't wait. I'm gonna pack

six months of grueling astronaut training into 12 hours.

-I wish I could help, Rex,

but Zenith is in trouble with her mother in the gods' realm.

I can't transform into her until they've got it all sorted out.

-What's that I hear? This impressive woman needs something to do?

Well, you're working with me-- Mission Control.

-I'll help where I can, Mr...

-It's Sergeant... Agony. (smooches)

-(mutters) This son of a bitch-- -Let the games begin.

-(over speaker) This will test your g-force tolerance.

-I'm gonna save you some time. Infinite.

-We'll start you off at a low 1.1g.

-(puking)

-We just need to make sure you're not gonna lock

the pod bay doors with your team trapped in space.

-Wow. Kubrick really did a number

on my people's reputation.

-(screeching)

-We'll need to sedate the cat for air travel.

Saturn, you're next. -(puking)

-(bubbling)

-I'm here. You can hold my hand if you get nervous, girl.

-(growls) -(bubbling rapidly)

-I can fly, I have superhuman strength,

and, yes, that pleasant smell is my natural body odor. Are we done here?

-Almost. We just need a semen sample.

-Okay. Where do I-- -I have to watch.

-Hey! Get outta here!

Security! He doesn't work here.

-(heroic music playing)

-(puking)

-Saturn, what the hell are you doing here?

You can't even do the damn slow-mo hero walk

without throwing up. You're grounded.

-Rex! -Agony is right, Saturn.

This mission is too important.

We can't have any liabilities.

Where do you get off-- oh, God! I gotta get to the bathroom!

(puking) -(sighs) Shall we?

-You sit right here, Ms. Jones.

I want you here in case of any problems.

I've seen you handle one or two on your show. You know what I'm saying?

-Oh, you watch?

-I am a fan, yes, of the host especially.

-That is my seat, actually.

-(whispering) Motherfucker, are you blind? I'm working here.

-Robobot: Remember, once I interface

with the shuttle's control computer,

my body will be rendered lifeless for the duration of the flight.

Oh, nobody cares. Well, fuck it then. We are go for launch!

(whirs down)

-How are the sedatives working, Cooch?

-I'm feeling all good, Rex, all, all good indeed.

-Rex: Maybe you shouldn't hold onto those pills yourself.

So, is there a countdown or--

-Man on P.A.: Launch is go.

-(rockets blasting) -Holy shit!

Do whatever you have to do!

-All right, all right, all right.

-(heroic music playing)

-All systems are go. -Escape velocity reached.

-Are either of you engineers or qualified to make those statements in any way?

-Robobot on speakers: Artificial gravity engaged.

Everyone that's not me is free to walk around.

You'd know why I can't move if you'd been listening to me earlier.

-Look at it. America looming large over the rest of the world.

Ah, and-- and there's the rest of the world,

a-- a tiny blue marble in a vast darkness,

uh, lots of black darkness.

-Ranger, are you all right? -Does it matter if I'm all right, Rex?

Does the blackness care if I'm all right?

Time for a nice long think.

-That's probably going to be a thing.

Robobot, how are we doing?

-Robobot on speaker: All systems normal,

although we appear to be using more oxygen than planned.

-That's weird. (retching)

-Saturn! What the hell are you doing here?

-Don't worry. My stomach is completely empty.

(retching) There's nothing left to throw up.

-Robobot on speaker: Rex, we're closing in on Asteros.

-(energy humming)

-That's a big bowl, 1 million tons.

I'd do whatever the hell I want.

I can respect that.

Maybe we talk it out over a quesadilla,

watch the cheese stretch.

-(retching) Don't talk about food!

-The giant man is building a weapon of ultimate destruction.

The universe is a seed populated by gods and monsters.

I need to use the restroom!

-Let's gear up, people.

-Babe? -I-- I told you to stay in the gift shop, baby.

-Well, I got a stomachache. I think I had too much astronaut food.

-You mean dehydrated ice cream? That is not food.

-Looks like we've got a real Anthony Bourdain here.

We take pride in our cuisine! -(babbling)

It ain't worth it, dawg. It ain't worth it.

-There's Earth right there. Nothing has changed.

You're just really high up.

-Free will is an illusion.

The universe is an atom, and you're a subatomic particle.

-(rattled) S-Shut up. I'm American Ranger.

I-- I have a name and a family!

-Who will die and waste away, just like you.

-Stop it! Get out of my head!

-You are nothing but a joke the universe played on itself.

-Shut up! -(groans)

-(cracking) -Uh-oh.

-(alarm blaring) -(clanging)

-Robobot: Pressure loss in the cargo hold.

-What the-- whoa!

What the hell did you do?

-(mutters) Punched the bastard in the face, son of a bitch.

-Robobot: Oxygen level falling. Cooch, what are you doing?

-You gotta find that balance where helping yourself helps everyone else.

-Robobot: Yeah, cool. But still, what are you doing? Whoa!

-(grunts) -Robobot: Not my ideal fix.

-What the hell happened in here? -Wouldn't stop talking.

Wouldn't stop talking. Wouldn't leave me alone.

I-- I had to strike him! -Space madness. (retches)

Not everyone is cut out for this. (retching)

-Agony on radio: What happened up there?

Your oxygen levels have dropped to half!

-No. (laughs) Everything is fine.

Uh, we're approaching the drop zone now. Rex out. -(static)

-You have to trust Rex, Agony. He knows what he's doing.

-I knew you were too fine to be smart.

-(emphatically) I've watched Titanium Rex save the world three times.

-Okay. I will take back the comment regarding your intelligence,

but my comment about you being a fine woman stands.

-Oh. Does it? -Holy shit!

The sexual tension is palpable!

-Yeah, this ice cream is that good.

-Sorry. It's for your own goo-- (retching)

your own-- your own-- your own good.

-Robobot: Rex, we have a problem. -(beeping)

-Ah, ah, ah. I don't wanna hear about anything

other than delivering this nuclear payload

to that giant pain in my ass out there.

-Robobot: No. Rex, we've lost half our oxygen,

and with Black Saturn onboard, I-- -Spit it out!

-Robobot: There's not enough air for the return trip home.

You have to decide between the mission and the lives of your team.

-Do they know? -Robobot: Not yet.

-(sighs)

Once I'm out, turn the ship around and take the team home.

-But you won't survive. -That's an order.

-That looks like a big dude with big plans.

Funny thing is, sometimes the biggest dudes

have little dudes in 'em. Question is, can you find 'em?

-Do you have any of those pills left?

I wanted to give some to Ra-- (retching)

to Rang-- to Rang--

to Ranger. No!

-(alarm blaring) -Robobot: Saturn, he's torn out my control module. Help!

-What are you doing, Ranger? (retching)

-For years, I looked to the big man upstairs for answers,

but the only big men I see are out there, and I have questions.

-No! (retching) Robobot, where is Rex?

-I'm not supposed to tell you that. -Where is Rex?

-(beeping)

-Computer voice: Bomb armed.

-Oh, I wish I could see

that space god's stupid face when this thing blows.

-Are you talking about me?

Are you calling my face stupid?

-Asteros, you didn't think I'd let you destroy my planet, did you?

-I really didn't have a strong opinion about you one way or the other.

Look, I'm not on a first-name basis with all seven billion of you.

-Well, the name's Titanium Rex, and I'm about to personally ru--

-Can you just-- can you hold that thought?

There's a weird dude floating towards my face.

-Oh, shit.

-Who dares approach the all-powerful Asteros?

Have you ever heard of personal space?

-What does it all mean? W-why are we here?

-It is not for humans to know the knowledge contained within the gods.

-Within the gods? Loud and clear.

-Oblivion is your only esca-- are you flying into my mouth?

-The answers-- they're inside you! They must be!

-We had a good run, didn't we?

Okay. You're talking to yourself.

You're obviously stalling. Let's just do this.

-Saturn: No! -Saturn, what are you doing?

-Saving your a-- (retching)

-(bomb clattering) -No, you idiot!

I have to detonate that by hand!

-Uh, no, you don't... (retching) because I brought... the remote.

-Saturn, for once in your life-- -(retching)

-(clattering)

-Dear God. You've killed the world.

-(grunts) Where am I?

Heaven? Hell? Oh!

-(man speaking in distance)

-Is that you, God? It's me, American Ranger.

If you're really God, you'll know my real name. That's the first test.

-Why are you all still here?

I was trying to save your lives! Where's Ranger?

-Some men want money, some power.

Some just want answers.

And where great men have gone before,

well, you could do a lot worse than follow.

-(engines roar)

-Rex: Cooch!

-Dear God.

-(screeches)

-What is it, son? No!

-You're Asteros? You're just a withered old man.

-No. I'm a withered old man who built a god.

-Completely whiffed the math on that one.

-Hyah! -(screams)

-Fear not. If there is a God, you will meet him soon.

Or her. Could be a her. -(screeching)

-What the hell is going on here?

-Looks like we've got a "Wizard of Oz" situation, everybody.

-Hey, don't worry about me, guys.

I'll reconnect my AI to my body myself.

Oh, my God. I chose a terrible time to create a distraction.

-(whirring) -Now the punishment for turning a Strocare herald

into a monkey will be known across the universe.

-(humming, crackling)

-Turn that thing off, or you'll find your throat under this boot.

-Your threats don't scare me.

I'm a galactic warlord, like my son.

-Well, I beat your son half to death with his own space bike.

-Is that true? -(screeches)

-That bike was a birthday present!

(shouts, grunting)

-(screeches) -Help me! Help!

-How do we... (retches) stop this thing?

-It's a fine line, the one between the driver and the driven,

a man and his tools.

Sometimes, that line needs to be crossed...

hard.

-No! You've just delayed the inevitable. The last--

-Aah! -Nap time, mother-- (retches)

-Look at that, another pill.

-Cooch, that isn't a pill!

That's a nuclear device that could be triggered at any moment.

-Dorito, "Dorata," man.

Dorito, "Dorata."

-(chomps)

-No! -Oh, shit!

-There's no way their shuttle was clear when that blast went off. I'm-- I'm sorry.

-What's that? -Man: Zoom in, now!

-(punches) -(shatters)

-No one has ever called them "Doratas"!

And that was definitely a nuke!

-That's right. I knew that all along.

-Oh, you did? Oh, well, I guess it all worked out. Thank you.

-Just kidding. See ya.

-(groaning)

-I want to thank the fine folks at NASA

for entrusting the League of Freedom

to get the job done. -(cheering)

-We did it, baby!

-What the hell are you doing? Get your damn hands off me!

-Wow. Saving the world doesn't get you what it used to.

-Well, maybe she's just a little tired,

not that I'd know anything about that.

You sweet on her? -I'm afraid I am.

-Well, then, may the best man win.

-Uh, what?

-Penny for your thoughts, Rex? -(sighs) It's nothing.

-Yeah. Well, fuck it, then. I'm not gonna haggle. -Wait.

I'm just... thinking about Saturn.

For a moment there, I thought he destroyed the world,

and I'd let it happen. -Because you didn't heed his future self's warning?

-What warning? -Oh, uh, nothing, Saturn.

-Rex, I'll explain it gently.

The future version of yourself told Rex that you're an idiot,

will always be an idiot, and your presence on the team is a danger to everyone.

He recommended that we kick you off the team as soon as humanly possible.

-And you believed him? -Saturn, I--

-Maybe I-- (retches)

Last one, I swear. Maybe I don't wanna be on your stupid team.

(sobbing) -Saturn, stop. That's not what I meant!

-Ain't that just the way it works?

The things we keep inside have a way of getting out.

-(Blazar screaming) -Hey, there goes that monkey thing.

I'd forgotten about that.

Anyway, I forgot what I was going to say.

I forgot what I was going to say.

-(theme music playing)

-(monkey chitters) -Stupid monkey!

(laughs)