Original subtitles

RANGER: This is ridiculous, Rex.

In my day, you only got two physicals,

the day you were born and the day you join the army.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, you just wait until you get to be my age.

Doctors become obsessed with your prostate.

Every time you get a sniffle,

you're playing finger-in-the-butt roulette.

Finger-in-the... What? They can do that?

They can, and they do.

That's why I'm having my private M.D. handle our physicals.

Jewbot?

What does a machine know about the human body?

As long as he stays away from my butthole,

I don't care.

I'm sorry, Lex.

Birth control coverage does not extend to interns.

Oh, hi, Rex! I mean, eat one apple a day. Neh, neh, neh.

Hey, Lex, you're on the cover of another magazine.

"Lex-Sanity," wow! (CHUCKLES)

I guess you take down Dr. Devizo and people notice.

95% of Americans want to know

why I haven't joined the League yet.

Rex, you got a take on that?

Because Sergeant Agony has Congress convinced

it would look bad if I promote my own daughter.

That's not what Us Weekly thinks.

"Lex Lightning brings the thunder,

"thighs with a side of cottage cheese?"

What does that have to do with any...

Oh, come on. That's a bad picture.

That's celebrity in America, baby.

We've both got to get used to it now.

Everybody's talking about Blex.

What? This is ridiculous!

I am a serious superhero.

Dad, we have to get me on this team.

Go over Agony's head. Complain to Kid Victory.

I have. Many times.

He's working on it, Lex.

Ugh!

No licking yourself for 72 hours.

Not gonna happen!

Can you do 48?

No deal. 36?

Sure. Minutes. See you!

Fantastic. Rex?

(SIGHS) Let's get this over with.

All vital signs normal.

You're in acceptable shape.

I'll take that, Jewbot.

You're doing a stellar job. I want you to know that.

Oh, there is just one more thing.

W... Whatever do you mean?

I would not be doing my job...

Jewbot, you're scaring me.

...if I didn't check your prostate.

No!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIRRING)

(GROANS)

You want some Cooch?

(GASPS) Argh!

Don't get mad, get Brad!

(BEEPING)

(EAGLE SCREAMING)

I am sorry. I did not know my fingers came off.

In my defense, your grip was unexpected.

Well, your finger was cold.

I thought I was getting hollowed out by a popsicle.

I'm going to need that back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your voice down.

Next.

Well, Brad, since you refused to take any advice,

we'll wrap this up... Oh, my God, your penis is out.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just I've got a rash all over my wang.

Could have used the setup before the reveal.

My best guess, because I am not touching that thing,

is that it's an allergic reaction to cats.

Why would you say that?

There is feline hair everywhere.

Also, you are fuckin' a cat.

Cooch!

From now on, you must refrain from making love to her.

Or any other cats.

I'm sad you felt the need to add that.

I mean, I get it, but still...

Ugh! I'm tired of waiting for a place on this team.

My intern badge doesn't even get me into the sub-level gym.

Speaking of, can I borrow your badge?

Apparently, I've got some work to do on my thighs.

No can do. After the Devizo debacle,

these babies were synced to our DNA.

Plus, I like the terrain back there.

Helps me find my way in the dark. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

W... Wait, what?

Ivan Whiff?

Billionaire defense contractor Ivan Whiff,

but you were close. Sort of.

I'd give you a card,

but this thing doesn't have pockets yet.

I know you! You invented that blanket with the arm holes

you can wear to the grocery store.

What? No, I didn't. Where did you hear that?

I'm an inventor, private defense contractor

with fingers in a lot of pies,

but I spared a thumb for one more,

the superhero game.

I'm listening.

I'm not talking to you.

I saw what you did to Dr. Devizo, Lex.

I think you might be perfect for my team.

What team?

Again, I wasn't addressing you.

But since the entire world would like to know,

Whiff Worldwide built and maintains

America's nuclear arsenal,

but I'm not stopping there.

I'm putting together a privately funded team of heroes

that will make the League of Freedom look like

Ashton Kutcher's Two and a Half Men,

a pale but not unwatchable imitation.

That's very flattering,

but I'll have to think about it.

Very clear I wasn't talking to you.

Not that clear.

Mr. Whiff, I don't know what to say.

Say yes. Yes, yes, yes!

Okay, look, buddy, this is starting to get sad.

Think about it, Lex.

But don't take too long.

The future waits for no man.

I'm a man. Shut up!

(CLEARS THROAT) Lex, you know where to find me.

Guy talked my ear off!

Say, "Ahh."

I'll do that myself, thank you.

(GRUNTS)

That's harder than it looks.

Ranger, you seem agitated.

I don't appreciate your man-made hands

exploring my moist, God-given holes.

All right, talk to me.

(SIGHS) It's Gloria.

As you don't know, because I rarely share

my personal life with appliances,

we're in the process of rebuilding our marriage.

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS) Gloria thinks we should have a child,

and because she froze her eggs in the '50s

and the future is a whispered nightmare,

that apparently entails me masturbating into a test tube.

Well, yes, science has made

great strides since the 1940s.

What is that?

A plastic cup for you to masturbate into.

Wha... I'm... I'm not...

I don't Charleston with my chubby

on the whim of a mechanical man.

What kind of godless machine are you?

Let it out, Ranger.

I am a robot. You can't hurt my feelings.

Medical advice from an unfeeling, dead-eyed automaton.

Okay, I felt the "dead-eyed" thing.

That one got through.

(CRYING) Brad, are you crying?

Oh! Scrap it when you're done, dude.

Cooch, wait.

I'm crying because I can't see you anymore.

Get some freaking glasses, dude.

No, I... I'm allergic to cats.

We have to break up.

That's it? We're done?

See ya?

One last time?

Yeah, what the hell?

Holy hell!

Are there vines growing out of it?

Oh! Ooh! Aw!

Psst. Jewbot, I still haven't passed that finger.

Should I be worried?

Hmm, the finger is sterile, so there is...

No, no! Stop moving your fingers, please.

Oh, I still have control over my appendage.

I will keep that in mind.

(GRUMBLES) Please do.

Hey, Dad. Hi, honey. (LAUGHING)

I don't have anything in my butt.

Did anyone ask?

Anyway, you know what's really weird?

Ivan Whiff was just here.

Whiff? Ha! I've told him a hundred times

there's no room for wannabes on this team.

Actually, he's starting his own team,

and he wants me to join.

Oh, he's just trying to get back at me

for rejecting his application to the League.

Or maybe he thinks I'm being wasted grabbing coffee

and taking Cooch's jorts to the cleaners.

Jorts? Jean shorts.

It's really hard on me that I know that.

Now, honey, Kid Victory assures me he's working on every...

(PIANO PLAYING)

Ah! Jewbot!

Are you playing the goddamn piano?

JEWBOT: Sorry!

Lex, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Ah, oh, where'd you go?

WHIFF: That's 31 minutes!

Pizza's free!

Oh, Lex, it's you.

Does the offer still stand?

Well, I should hope so. They guaranteed that it would be here.

Uh, the offer to join your team.

Ah, yes.

Come in. I'd offer you pizza, but obviously...

LEX: Got it.

Where the fuck is that guy?

You've made the right call, Lex.

I think you'll be happy on my team.

You'll want for nothing, except maybe pizza.

45 minutes? (CLEARS THROAT)

I hope making you this custom uniform wasn't too forward.

Wow, what is this fabric?

A special blend of Indonesian satin

and rhinoceros foreskin.

How many foreskins?

If you care enough to ask, you probably don't want to know.

By the way, has that pizza shown up yet?

No. Fuckers!

(CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES)

So, Lex, you ready to suit up for Team Whiff?

Well, I haven't said yes yet,

but as long as I'm not responsible for pressing your jorts,

I'm all ears.

I'm a billionaire. I dispose of my jorts after one use.

That is... That's impressive.

(GLASS BREAKS)

I'm here. I found your unlisted address.

Consider your first test passed.

This was not a test!

By the way, who's throwing away

all the perfectly good jorts?

Were you following me?

I guess I'm a little jealous.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Listen, Whiff isn't my type.

Not of him, of you!

Make me an offer. I can work around your budget.

Oh, please leave!

Wait, I think I hear a telephone.

Ring, ring! (WHIRRING)

Oh, hallelujah on high.

Just watch. Hyah! Hyah!

Sorry I'm late. I... Ah!

(CRYING)

You! Get out of my sight!

Hey, honey, you should go.

You're right.

Mind if I grab a few jorts on my way out?

Now!

Jewbot, I don't appreciate you making appointments through my wife.

I thought I made my feelings quite clear.

You may stop worrying, Ranger.

I have devised a way to make you comfortable while under my care.

Holy Mother of God!

I have fabricated an epidermis

that makes me indistinguishable

from the average human being.

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Brad.

Jewbot said you might not live through the night

and I better say bye to you.

So, bye. See ya.

No! Wait! Cooch, come back!

What?

Yeah, dude. Nice phone.

Pick up the phone.

Cooch, just because I can't touch you anymore

doesn't mean we can't, uh, you know...

Oh, phone-bone?

Yeah, like, tell me your dirtiest fantasies.

You sure about that, dude?

Please, for us.

Okay, here goes.

I want to pack your nostrils with pretzels 'cause you ain't gonna need those...

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

And then I'm gonna take things inside of you and things inside of me...

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Oh.

And that would be a pretty little dick bow, wouldn't it?

Brad, what are you staring at, dude?

Say something, Brad!

(GAGS)

Here, we generate the launch codes

for our nation's Whiff-branded nuclear arsenal.

I have the encryption key around here.

I'm so sorry. I'm having trouble thinking.

My blood sugar's dropped on account...

That there's no pizza? Got it.

Look, let's just cut to the chase.

Are you in or out? She's out!

Dad, what are you doing?

You don't want to be on this guy's team, Lex.

He's a dilettante.

Well, some of us had to work for our powers, Rex.

I wasn't born with a Subtopian spoon in my mouth.

You're missing the point, Dad.

Whiff actually has a spot for me on his team.

Okay, I get it.

Come home with me and we'll figure something out.

You mean, besides calling Kid Victory, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course, of course.

Because... I've already called him.

O.M. God.

You never called, did you?

You're not even fighting Agony.

Lex, it's dangerous work. You're just not ready.

You're protecting me, like some little girl.

You are my little girl.

Listen to Us Weekly.

These aren't the thighs of a girl.

Not the thighs of a girl at all.

No one talks about my daughter's thighs!

(GRUNTS)

You're going down, Ivan.

(SHRIEKS)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING) There's nothing in my butt!

I didn't ask.

All right, I think everything is in order.

No, Gloria, it's against nature.

I'm not doing it.

Uh-huh, okay.

I see.

I'm doing it.

Excellent. I will give you privacy.

Where do I set the cup?

You hold it. No can do.

I'm what they call a two-hander.

Who is "they"? Oh, this is ridiculous anyway.

No, Ranger, wait. We can work this out.

How? Are you gonna hold the cup for me?

Oh. I suppose.

Why don't you check your joke-ometer, Jewbot? I was kidding.

I am your doctor.

An unthinking machine.

I can't come up with a reason not to.

Unfortunately.

We doing this or what?

I'm... I'm trying to get in the mood.

What was it with all the pretzels again?

I'll explain it again. Oh, God.

I want to pack your nostrils with pretzels

'cause you ain't gonna need those. Then...

Oh, God. (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

If we're doing this, let's do it.

I am ready.

I thought you might need a visual.

May your aim be true, brave soldier.

(GROANS)

RANGER: Come on. You can do this, Ranger.

You rubbed one out in a fox hole surrounded by wounded men.

You can do this! (ZIP OPENS)

(GRUNTING)

Ha-ha! (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

Your powers were impressive once, Rex,

but technology is nipping at your heels.

(GROANS)

Say hello to my diamond-woven nano-net.

I'm sure you'll find yourself quite helpless.

Son of a bitch!

Those things cost $300,000!

You couldn't have just gently stepped out of it? Ah!

I always said you weren't cut out for this, Whiff.

Now, open wide.

(WHIMPERING)

Dad, stop. What? But I...

I've made my decision.

I want to be a part of a team that's gonna lift me up,

not hold me back.

Lex, don't do this.

I just need some time to get comfortable with the idea.

Several weeks you've been sitting on this.

Oh, come on. I just found out I have a daughter.

It's hard for me to imagine sending you into combat.

Well, you won't have to, Dad.

I'm going with Whiff.

Are these the team tryouts?

Ugh! Leave!

Some kind of waitlist I can jump on?

Go! I've been training.

Don't care! Lex, can I be on the team?

Not my decision. Rex, any strings you could pull?

What? Whiff, going once...

Why? ...going twice...

Fuck off. Ready to go?

Yep. Oh, not me?

Screw that guy. The League of Freedom's where it's at.

I'm still a member, right?

Yeah, I'm still a member.

Whiff Worldwide is proud to announce

the date of an exciting announcement.

Tomorrow, we will live stream the details

of a new direction for Whiff Worldwide.

REPORTER 1: Does this have anything to do with your superhero patents?

REPORTER 2: Is Lex Lightning involved?

Uh, I think fans of Lex will want to tune in to the live stream, yes.

(CHUCKLES) But that's all I can say.

REPORTER 3: Over here, over here!

Well, I hope she's happy.

You do? I hope she's miserable with that butt baby Whiff!

We both have to respect her decision.

He is a butt baby though, right?

Totally!

Well, I guess if you love something,

you just have to let it go and see if you...

Are you wearing jorts?

Uh, that a problem?

All done.

I will freeze this sample until you and Gloria decide what you...

What... Ranger.

What have I done?

Excuse me?

A symbol of America just cranking it into a jar

in the name of science.

Welcome to the future.

And goodbye to my soul.

Wait, after what we shared, I...

Shared? I don't know what you think happened in here, Jewbot.

Ranger, I am your friend... Technology is your friend.

Friend? What? My friend?

Technology dropped bombs on me in the war,

trapped me in a time tunnel for 70 years,

and not 15 minutes ago,

technology eye-fucked me while I wrapped off a batch.

Frankly, I wish technology had never been invented!

(SCREAMING) Ow!

(GROANING)

Ranger, your appendix is about to burst.

A simple surgery would keep you from dying,

but since you do not believe in technology,

I will gather the leeches.

This seems awfully goddamn convenient, Jewbot.

Yeah, well, regardless. (GRUMBLING)

Honey, I don't think you're getting on the team.

Ivan sort of thinks you're an idiot and hates you.

That's not why I'm here.

I just wanted you to know that I've had a hard time with you being gone.

I... I miss you, too.

I've had to pleasure myself quite a bit.

I've been gone for two hours.

I was thinking of you.

I mean, you were in the rotation.

Son of a bitch!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Agony. What's he doing here?

I've got to thank you, Agony.

If you hadn't kept Lex off the League,

I never could have lured her to my team.

And with the public on her side,

you'll snag Rex's contract next term, and that'll be it.

The end of the League of Freedom!

O.M. God!

To the new age of the privatized superhero team.

Pfft, I'll drink to anything.

So, what are we thinking? Strip club?

The forecast for Spearmint Rhino is 100% rain.

You know what I'm saying? Unless that pizza's here.

Oh, dude, don't ask.

Well, hell, Brad, if we can't phone-bone,

I mean, how do we make this work?

I don't know.

If we stay together, you could kill me.

Well, what can we do?

Die, I guess.

(GRUNTS)

You called it from the beginning.

I can't kick the Cooch.

I love you.

Cool! I'll get the pretzels!

No pretzels!

I got to get around to taking some photos.

Well, well, well.

Look who's taking a trip down memory lane.

What the hell are you doing here, Agony?

Thought you might want to watch

a little streaming content.

Uh, it's entitled The End of the League.

Settle, settle, settle, please.

Welcome.

I'm excited you're all here to help me usher in

the future of super heroics.

You're not thinking of going out there, are you, Lex?

If that butt baby launches his super team,

it's bye-bye, League of Freedom.

The League of Freedom,

a once-glorious institution plagued with decrepitude and mismanagement.

I wrote that line. Pretty proud of it.

But what if I told you there was another way?

A super team based on efficiency and technology?

A super team anchored by someone

who actually knows how to get things done?

And for once, I'm not talking about myself.

(GRUNTING)

Let me introduce you to the first member of Team Whiff.

Black Saturn?

Did you just make me a member of your team?

No! Fine, then get ready for an ass-kicking.

Oh, dear God.

(GRUNTS)

Do you understand that?

(MUMBLES) Sorry.

There must've been a ring in my ear.

Oh, that was terrible. Let's do this.

Ah!

Wait! (LAUGHS) Good idea, Lex.

You end him.

Lex?

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Uh, check, testing.

Thank you all for coming.

I'd like to make an announcement of my own.

The League of Freedom is my family,

and I will be remaining with them...

As an intern. Yes!

(GRUNTS) I will show myself out.

Where are you going, Agony?

I was watching that.

Aren't you gonna say goodbye... Ah! (ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Jewbot, for the love of God, quit this shit.

Lex, you saved the League.

Keep your metal hands off of

my warm-blooded organs, you demon!

It would be so easy.

A few extra drops of morphine and...

Oh, hello. I saved Ranger.

Ranger, buddy, get up.

Oh, wha... Huh? I'm alive?

Oh, thank you, blue-eyed patriarchal God.

Perhaps science had something to do with it?

Jewbot, I owe you an apology.

Whether you have blood or motor oil

running through your veins,

a friend's a friend.

I'll always remember this.

Okay, can you explain why my penis looks like chewed up hamburger?

Perhaps your three-hour masturbation session?

You know, my above-average dong is red, too,

and I've been rubbing them out left and right.

Ah! I'm itching inside and out. I'm dying!

Well, it appears in her thriftiness,

Marjorie acquired a new lotion from Big Lots.

"Contains peanut, mango and shrimp."

That's every allergen in the book.

I've been rubbing that stuff all over my body.

So you ain't allergic to me.

Ooh! Let's bone!

Everyone done? Good.

'Cause I have something to say to my daughter.

Now, Lex, I know I have been overprotective,

but if you're still willing,

I'd like to offer you a position on this team.

Is everyone cool with this?

Hell no. I made a snap decision about you,

and I stand by it.

Okay. All right, is everyone except Cooch cool with this?

Lex, one DNA-synced League membership card.

(GASPS) I didn't think this day would ever come.

Yeah. That must've been a hard four weeks.

There is one anomaly in your DNA I'd like to go over.

Some of your peptide chains appear to be insectoid in... What is that?

Oh, nuclear command codes I stole from Whiff.

What would you do with those?

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Silly, they're not for me.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

They're for Dr. Devizo.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)