Original subtitles

MAN: You've now arrived at prison level.

Please remove all metal from pockets and rectum.

Okay.

GROANER: Warden's coming.

Rex, a word.

I'm having a hard time finding out what I'm officially charged with.

Tell it to the judge, Menace.

Well, you know, that's sort of my point.

I was looking over my papers and on the trial date, it says NA.

I can't even get a phone call.

I have cats!

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Oh, fuck the fish!

I've got a saltwater tank, Rex. Let me call my sister, please.

Titanium Rex.

COMPUTER: Identity verified.

All right, let's do this.

Titanium Rex. You brought me a gift?

I did.

Subtopian scotch.

That is your preference, right, Dr. Devizo?

I drink it on occasion.

Ah, yes. The occasion of your impossible escape.

From every prison that's ever held me.

One year to the day from my incarceration.

You've never been held by the League of Freedom before.

Your League isn't what it used to be, eh?

A pink drug addict? The American idiot.

An oversized pussy.

And your nebbish robot.

You forgot about Black Saturn.

Oh, I mentioned the pussy.

This pathetic team you've assembled

is your greatest weakness, Rex.

I'm as good as free.

We'll see about that.

You're not going to leave without pouring me a drink, are you?

I want you to see what you'll be missing when you don't escape.

In fact, I doubt you'll even make it out of that chair.

Holy shit!

While you're spoiling me,

be a dear and bring me the final "Hunger Games" book.

The prison library is abysmal.

(SIGHS) It's gonna be on hell of a day.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(WHIRRING)

(GROANS)

You want some Cooch?

(GASPS) Argh!

Don't get mad. Get Brad!

(CRASHING)

(BEEPING)

(EAGLE SCREAMING)

All right, team, listen up.

Midnight is the one year anniversary

of Dr. Devizo's capture,

and you all know what that means.

We going to Red Lobster?

No. It means he's going to try to escape in the next 24 hours,

and we are going to stop him.

And then Red Lobster?

Actually, that would be nice. Cool.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING) (GROANS)

Looks like the vultures are already circling.

Sergeant Agony,

no one's held Devizo for more than a year.

Do you honestly believe the League will be the first?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Where'd you get that?

I'm almost positive this will be a national embarrassment

and more proof that the League is a bloated tick

on America's ass!

Did that an... Did that answer your question?

As much as I hate Devizo's crimes,

I have to respect his intelligence.

He called you a pussy.

What? Well, fuck him!

Fuck him right in the eye!

Everyone keep their cool.

Brad, Cooch. Devizo might have help on the inside.

I want you to toss every prisoner's cell.

Toss their salads? Like eat their buttholes?

Toss their jail cells. Jesus.

Saturn, I need you to... March down to Devizo's cell and call him a pussy.

No. I want you outside, staking out our perimeter.

Now, Jewbot, I need you to man the prison's access point.

No one gets in or out without League credentials.

Oh, I guess I'm gona need some of those if you want me to help. (CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Which, from your expression, I can tell you do not.

You're still an intern, Lex.

I want you to inventory the supply room.

If Devizo's got his hands on so much as a plastic fork, I want to know about it.

Excuse me, you want me counting things? (CHUCKLES)

You've got a walking calculator right here.

A walking calculator with feelings.

Ranger, I'm going to need you to...

Sorry, Rex. Because of your infidelity with my wife,

Gloria has given me 24 hours to have intercourse with another woman.

Apparently, a 2011 movie,

and no one else ever, called it a "Hall Pass."

Ranger, keeping Devizo on lockdown is our top priority.

Sorry, Rex. Not that I don't want to help the man that intercoursed my wife

for how many years was it?

I'd rather not say.

You'd rather not say.

Well, I'd rather not, not make use of this little baby.

You printed one out?

I've been learning Photoshop.

Now I'm off to find a suitable young woman.

Don't call me. Because I'll be having...

Intercourse? Intercourse!

(LAUGHS)

The chances of that ending well

.0000000000001%.

Ranger will come around.

I've got a job to do.

Look alive, motherfuckers.

This cell's getting tossed!

Well, let's get this over with.

What the hell are you doing?

What? You guys have never done a body cavity search before?

Not on the clock.

Well, it's part of the process. Go on. Take a look around.

Holy shit!

Quite the pooquet.

Damn, dude. Clean as a whistle.

Brad, come look at this dude's turd wallet.

Magnificent.

Spread 'em.

Thank Snorfle, you saved me!

I've been in there for 13 bleepblaps.

BRAD: Got something?

Uh... Nope.

323, 324, 325...

Who buys Shank Energy Drink?

Shank me! Huh?

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

No, not the Donkey Punch.

Toss me one of those Date Grapes.

(GULPS)

Ahhh!

Aren't you supposed to be outside?

Perimeter duty? I don't think so.

No one calls me a pussy and gets away with it.

I'm taking the dance right to Devizo's lab.

That sounds awesome. Can I help?

Sorry, Lex. It took me three cans of Shank to come up with this plan.

It's a little extreme for an intern.

Now watch out because I am Shanked.

(EXCLAIMS)

Wait! How many cans did you...

(GROWLS)

Oh, it stings so bad.

Oh dear. This getup is going to be catnip to the ladies.

Where are you going?

Some bordello?

American Ranger doesn't pay for it, sister.

I'm going to find a nice watering hole

and see if the moves I used to land you still work.

You're going to step on a land mine

and let them nurse you back to health?

Maybe I'll play it by ear.

Ranger, I love you.

I... I love you too, Gloria.

But I stand for truth and justice.

You boned my friend, so I have to camshaft a 22 year old.

It's just the way it works.

Back again, Rex?

Let's see you escape while I'm three feet away.

Maybe I already have, Rex.

Maybe I'm just a figment.

Ow! Son of a bitch!

There's no bluffing your way out of this cage, Devizo.

Let me break it down for you.

The cell doors can only be opened from the outside,

by a League member.

REX: And then there's the matter of the laser grid, deactivated by voice commands.

And if you get through that,

this whole wing goes into lockdown

to the tune of two 225 ton spring-loaded blast doors.

But you won't have to worry about any of that.

Because first, you'll have to get past me.

Oh, Rex. I have as many tools as I could ever need.

I have the League of Freedom, and I have you.

And I'm not going anywhere.

But whatever will we talk about?

Well, that's your problem.

I brought a book.

You monster.

Cinna's okay, right?

Rex? Rex?

DR. DEVIZO: Rex?

Jewbot. I'm ready.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Sorry, I thought I sent you a text.

Droid.

Oh, just leave it on.

It didn't go through, my bad. Anyway,

you're going to process me as a prisoner,

so I can bury my foot in Dr. Devizo's taint.

The hardened criminals of Gen Pop will eat you alive.

That's why I'm leaving Black Saturn behind.

Say hello

to Mange.

What are you saying?

Mange. Come again?

Mange.

Mange!

Will you just process me?

Is that wise?

Do it. I am inmate 4976.

Aka, Mange... All right.

Oh, wait! Take it easy, dude!

My arm! Welcome to Candyland, bitch.

Oh, wait!

Yeah, new blood! New blood!

Tear him a new one, Quiplash!

Nice mask.

Does it protect your face?

Yes, yes it does.

Your quips suck. Mine do... I mean, yours do!

Oh! Ah!

(STUTTERING) Ah! Oh, my God!

Ah! No! Oh! What is that?

Maybe we should have a safe word.

Good idea. The safe word will be...

(STATIC CRACKLES)

Jewbot, that's not... That's not a word!

Sweet dreams, scumbag.

(GIBBERING)

Jewbot, come back!

GROANER: He's not going to help you.

No one is.

Thank God, it's you! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy!

Do I know you? (STAMMERS) What? Ye... Of course, yes.

We did the banana puppy job together.

I don't remember that.

Well, I was banging nitrous pretty hard there for a five year period.

Well, stick with me and I'll show you the ropes.

Nothing? This usually kills with new guys.

Yeah, you're not ready to laugh.

Hey, is Blazer still cranking it over there?

I'm afraid so.

Yeah, we're just going to let him finish.

Ugh! When the hell did the "Hunger Games" start?

It... Don't tell me anything.

What? She chose Peeta?

I can't do this anymore.

It's starting to feel like I'm punishing myself.

Ugh. You never did appreciate art.

Maybe, but I never actively assaulted it either.

I mean, for Christ's sake, Devizo,

little black squares?

Do they know, Rex?

What are you talking about?

Your team. Do they know what I used to be?

That you were once a member of the League?

Helping us fight crime with the gadgets you built,

until that wasn't enough for you.

You wanted to level the planet and build a new world from scratch!

My design sense is unparalleled.

It only makes sense that I be allowed a greater canvas.

That's the worst use of a canvas than these stupid black squares.

You never could appreciate what was right under your nose!

Is that why you left?

I didn't pat you on the head enough?

Hold on. Hold... Hold on. What?

I've got to use the bathroom. I'm going to have a...

Okay, okay, we can do this.

Well, go on, I'm listening.

You know what? I'm going to wait.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Sir, by your apparel, I assume you're the young woman's father.

Now, I'm a straight shooter,

so I want you to know if I take your daughter out, there could be intercourse.

This is my girlfriend, you tool.

A swing and a miss.

Oh, my gosh, your face.

I recognize you.

You're American Ranger.

Yes, and you must be a rodeo clown.

Oh, my God. My dad loves you.

Fantastic. Let's give him a call.

I'd like permission to buy you a drink.

Oh, my gosh. I'm laughing.

You're funny. My name's Mary.

Mary. A little exotic.

Oh, I love your fedora.

Touching a man's hat?

Good God, woman. Miss Manners would break your thumb.

Two PBRs. Thank you.

That's a lot of ink. Were you in the service?

I've waited tables.

Oh, boy. You want this, Ranger.

Bottoms up.

I fought for my country. I'm not going to drink Rudolph Pabst Swill!

Now, I'm sure you've heard that you should never pick up the soap,

but that's only half the battle.

You get soap in your eye as well.

Let's just say your hand will find three hard dicks

before you find your washcloth.

Uh, I'm more of a bath guy.

Back in the shower. Towels off.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

Ah! You could lasso a calf with that thing.

You know it's more of a burden than you think.

Really? No it's freaking awesome, man.

Look at it! No, no!

Keep it away from me!

Ahhh! Dammit, I can't see!

Can someone hand me a washcloth?

No! Don't!

And then we had to use that boy's body as a flotilla, and eventually as sustenance.

You get used to the sight, but the smell...

The smell stays with you.

So to answer your question that, Mary, is the craziest thing I've ever done.

Wow, I thought I had you beat with

my roommate and her boyfriend.

I'm not quite sure how to broach this, but...

Do you have any interest in having intercourse with me?

My apartment's down the street.

I think my roommate's gone.

Not that, that matters apparently.

Oh, come on. You left the League

to pursue your twisted fantasies about rebooting the world.

No, Rex.

I left the League when I found out you were sleeping with my wife.

What? No, I didn't

think you knew about that.

Oh yes, I knew about that.

A case of subterranean super herpes is hard to explain away.

I've got that cleared up by the way.

Oh, thank you. I was very concerned.

I never knew how much hate was inside of me until my love left.

You created this darkness, Rex.

It was an honest mistake.

And American Ranger?

Was that a mistake as well?

How did... And how is he taking your betrayal, Rex?

DR. DEVIZO: Is he flirting with his dark side?

Acting selfish to hurt the ones that hurt him?

Ranger.

If you let him go down my path,

what kind of evil will he find?

But you can't leave me.

Your friend's not that important.

Is he?

Ah! Jewbot?

Do not take your eyes off him.

Where are you going?

To save my friend.

(LAUGHING)

We're wasting our time. I want to see Devizo now.

Well, relax, dude. Don't freaking touch me!

(SIGHS) I've had enough male contact for a long, long time.

When this place gets me down, I crank out some sets.

I'm not sure I can lift this. I'll spot you.

Are you going to stand like that?

And away we go.

Oh, come on. I can see your dick.

Hey, there, buddy. We all been talking about you.

Oh, cool. What's the word?

(SCREAMS)

Nobody never heard of a villain named Mange.

Now, you listen here. Mange is under my protection.

Oh, God. It's touching my face.

Don't get involved, Groaner. This is bigger than you.

Nothing is bigger than him.

You tell Devizo that if he wants Mange, he has to come through me.

I can smell it!

That won't be necessary.

It's staring at me!

Won't be necessary? What does that mean?

What does it want?

Devizo wants to see him.

Hey, you hear that, buddy?

Get your dick out of my face!

(KISSING NOISES)

Okay, is that your tongue, for God's sake?

I'm sorry. Mary, please stop.

What's the matter? You seem a million miles away.

I have an admission to make to you.

I have no plans to ask for your hand in marriage.

This is simply a posterior telephone call.

Yeah. No, I know.

It's retribution intercourse.

Oh, okay.

To get back at my wife.

A 100% on board.

Okay, I guess everything is above board.

Let the intercourse begin.

An eye for an eye.

(MARY MOANING)

Stop it, Ranger.

Rex, what are you doing here?

I'm stopping you from making a mistake we'll all regret.

I'm not that bad. Oh, my God.

Have you been talking to Dave?

I'm sorry, Rex. Gloria broke my heart.

Gloria thought you were gone, Ranger.

We both did.

And yes, we were drawn into an affair,

but that's only because we saw you in each other.

Right, Gloria?

Oh, hello.

Honey, I know I look like Father Time rode me hard, put me away wet.

And you still look like you did on our wedding day.

But if you go through with this,

I'll know the man I married is dead.

And we might as well get a divorce.

You know what you always said about divorce right, buddy?

It's call me bullshit!

Call me bullshit, that's right. Yeah, call me bullshit.

We've got a long way to go to fix this, Ranger.

Let's get started.

Sticking it out when a marriage should be pronounced

dead on arrival is the American way.

Let's do it.

Right after I stomp three kinds of shit out of this little hussy.

Whoa! Don't go there! Let me go!

We're just three hours away from Dr. Devizo's

inevitable escape.

Are you Team Devizo? Or Team Freedom?

Devizo! (CHEERS)

MAN ON TV: And our polling shows that is a common sentiment.

Hey, Cooch, does Rex still have eyes on Devizo?

What? He's not even there?

But what if he... No! I'm coming down there.

Your artwork appears to be binary in nature.

Why, you're the first one to notice.

You know it's a puzzle? Too complicated for most.

Hmm, interesting.

A scrambler virus? No, no, no, no, no.

JEWBOT: (STAMMERING) Cooch!

I'm coming, Jewbot!

JEWBOT: Help! Cooch!

Identity verified.

(STUTTERING) The door's open! The door... Do... Door!

Hey, who's scuffing me?

Someone who knows a hyper evolved cat is still just a cat.

You're on your own now.

Black Saturn.

COMPUTER: Identity verified.

What was that?

Mind your own goddamn business!

Devizo, time to see who the real pussy is.

Uh... This would be less confusing if you weren't holding a cat.

A bad guy in the cell block? It's a jailbreak!

No, it's just me! Oh no!

(SATURN GROANING)

Black Saturn.

Identity verified.

(COOCH GRUNTING) Wait, it's me.

Whoa, hey! Let go of me, dude!

COOCH: What are you doing? I'm going to fuck you up!

Cooch! You son of a bitch.

(YELLING)

Hold up, Brad. Hold up.

(PRISONERS CHEERING)

PRISONERS: Hooray! Hooray!

Is everything okay... Oh!

Oh, crap.

Now we know we'll fight for each other, Ranger.

Yes, and that a woman in her 80s

has no business fighting a woman in her 20s.

That was ugly.

Rex, look! What the hell?

Devizo.

Ugh! Get off me!

MAN ON TV: Dr. Devizo has done it again, viewers.

Punking the League of Freedom

and holding intern Lex Lightening hostage.

I'm too close, aren't I? Let me just... Sorry.

Kip, you are not helping.

Let her go, Devizo.

Ah, Rex. So glad you could join us

for the last moments of your daughter's life.

I'm so sorry, Lex. This is all my fault.

(GROANS) Lex.

Just as you once stole the most important person in my life, Rex,

I will now steal yours.

Any last words, darling?

Saturn, Donkey Punch me!

What kind of sick shit are you guys into?

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) (LEX GRUNTS)

No one

calls my boyfriend a pussy,

but me!

MAN ON TV: If you're just joining us, the League of Freedom

was bailed out on national television by their intern.

That's like if Monica Lewinsky killed Osama bin Laden.

What year is it, Jim? Enough with the Lewinsky shit.

That's the last time Devizo calls me a pussy.

Ow! Clock out, Lex. That hurt!

Good as new.

Well, well, well, looks like your daughter made good, Rex.

I don't remember inviting you in, Agony.

I don't remember not caring. Oh wait. Yes, I do.

What do you want? Everyone's talking about Lex.

Having her as a full member would go a long way

in restoring America's faith in the League.

And that's exactly why I petitioned Congress

to forbid you from taking on new members.

Boom! Got the letter right here.

What is this? Give me that.

Oh...

I know you're not getting a membership in the League, Lex,

but I want you to know that I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, I hear your cell mate mysteriously disappeared.

Oh, we're... We're still doing this?

I want you to know, he's going to be okay.

Oh, Jesus. Fucking embarrassing.

I have it on good authority that he's very thankful for everything that you...

I know you're Mange, Saturn.

Uh... (STAMMERS)

SATURN: I'll never forget you!

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Dear Rex, surely you realize that Dr. Devizo

does not fail this spectacularly

without intention and only in the name of something larger.

Will you figure out what it is in time?

Could you stop me even if you do?

(GASPS) The last page! Torn out! Who?

(SCOFFS) Who's the pussy now?