Original subtitles

I'll grab the food Marjorie made us. You start the car.

We'll be on the lake before the team even wakes up.

JEWBOT: Good morning! Jewbot!

(STAMMERS) What are you doing up?

As I do not technically require sleep,

I arrive for breakfast at 3:45 every morning.

And wait.

Wow, that's... Depressing for some reason.

Where are you two going?

Where are you two going? Rex and I are going on a fishing-and-camping trip, like old times.

Rex and I are going on a fishing-and-camping trip, like old times.

Get back to nature.

So, you just sit here every morning?

Just... God, why does that bum me out?

I would like to accompany you.

No way! (STAMMERS)

You go camping to unplug.

We're not even bringing phones!

I could cut off the connection to my cloud-based servers.

I will lose 95% of my processing power,

but I won't "bum you out" with my infinite knowledge.

That sounds dangerous.

You're right.

I will just sit here quietly for the next 36 hours.

And wait.

Oh, dear God, it's so sad.

All right, fine! You can come.

(SIGHS) Guess I'll go clear up some space in the Winnebago. (DOOR OPENS)

Can't believe we closed that club down!

Maybe we should sleep now.

Not that I'm not having a blast

with my much younger girlf...

Whoa! (SHRIEKS)

What the hell is going on here?

Oh! Uh, Lex and I were out... Fighting crime.

Uh, the villain had a foam machine! He was called, uh, The Foamer!

The Foamer, huh?

Lex, help me out, here! Um...

Dad. Hey, Dad, look over here. Hey, have you done that thing yet?

(SOFTLY) Have you told Ranger about you and Gloria yet?

(SOFTLY) Have you told Ranger about you and Gloria yet? Lex, you don't just come out and tell a man you've been banging his wife

Lex, you don't just come out and tell a man you've been banging his wife

while he was trapped in a time tunnel.

You have to butter him up, and that is why I planned this camping trip.

You're going camping? Oh, shit!

I want to go!

No! No, it's just me and Ranger.

I am going. And Jewbot.

What's all the ruckus?

What's all the ruckus? They're going camping without us!

They're going camping without us!

Aw, that's not fair!

None of you like camping! Not one of you!

Sorry, Rex. We got that FOMO.

Fear Of Missing Out?

(ALL PLEADING)

All right, fine! You can all come!

God damn it! Every Tom, Dick and Whatever.

I'll just go fuck myself.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You want some Cooch?

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

Don't get mad. Get Brad.

Where the hell are we?

You told me you had the route planned out.

When I went into the time tunnel,

there were, like, three roads!

(GROANS) I forgot how awful maps are.

Why don't I have my phone?

What's with all the trees?

Man, I'm a house cat! I'm not cut out for the wild!

I'm sure it's not that wild.

Jewbot, are there any animals we should worry about in these parts?

I... I don't know.

It appears severing myself from the server has made me a... Not smart... Thing.

Shit, what are these?

Hey, Rex, any chance we could make a pit stop?

The RV has a toilet.

Yeah, not anymore.

God damn it. Hold on.

(EXCLAIMING IN PANIC) Coming through! (GROANS)

BRAD: We've got about three seconds, people!

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Ain't seen a map in a long time.

We're unplugged, all right?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Well, well, well.

Looks like we got a smarty-pants metal man.

Where you going, metal man?

I do not know. Shut up!

I apologize. My intelligence has left me.

Being smart is for pussies.

When I see a smart person, I just... (GRUNTS)

Yeah, I broke my hand. It's broken.

Interesting. You wallow in your ignorance,

replacing intelligence with aggression and cruelty.

Damn right we do! (LAUGHING)

I think the woods sound romantic, Saturn.

Actually, it might be a good place for us to take things to the next level.

Are you nuts? Do you know what Rex would do to me

if he found out I'm dating his daughter?

Why are you so scared of him?

Hey, sweetheart. You look tired.

How about sitting down on my face for a while? (LAUGHING)

What did you just say to my daughter?

(SCREAMS)

Beee-yoop.

Okay. Everybody back in the 'Bago.

I may or may not have just committed a felony.

Let's move! (BRAD GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Ah, fresh mountain air.

Rex, we bunking together just like the old days?

Ranger, I wouldn't share a tent with anyone else.

The longer you wait to tell him, the more it's going to hurt.

I know, but look at him. He's so happy.

(WHISTLING AND LAUGHING)

(WHISTLING AND LAUGHING) Hello, American friend!

Hello, American friend!

He deserves to know.

I'll tell him when the time is right.

(TREES CREAKING) Oh. What? Did you see it?

Is that wind or is that something bad?

Yeah, I swear to God that branch...

What's that branch doing? Put... Put your branch down, branch.

Uh, Cooch, are you okay?

There's too much going on out here, man!

You take a house cat out in the woods, and we can go feral!

You take a house cat out in the woods, and we can go feral! And we don't want that.

And we don't want that.

Hey, uh, what does "feral" mean?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) I don't know, and I'm proud of that, asshole.

What is with you?

I don't know. And I'm proud of that... Asshole.

(HESITANTLY) Okay.

Come on, Saturn. What's the worst that could happen?

He could put my face through an F150! You saw that, right?

Ugh, I need something to settle my nerves. Bunsen!

Your drink, sir.

Oh, thank you, Bunsen.

Is there anything else, sir?

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Wait, where did he come from?

Wait, where did he come from?

Ah, I guess this tent comes with a personal butler.

Didn't realize it until I heard what sounded like

someone suffocating under several layers of rubber.

Where was he?

Suffocating under several layers of rubber.

Suffocating under several layers of rubber. BUNSEN: I'm fine now, sir!

BUNSEN: I'm fine now, sir!

Little chattier than I'd like, but what are you gonna do?

What was that? Oh, shit! Man, that tree...

Did that tree... Did you see that tree move?

You gonna rotate that wiener, Bunsen?

(GROANS) Of course, sir.

(SLURPING)

(SPITS) Leg cramp!

(SCREAMS) Oh! I'm quite all right, sir.

Oh, no one's asking? All right, then.

Any y'all mind if I throw this possum on the fire? (FLIES BUZZING)

Some dipshit left it on the side of the road.

Maybe disconnecting from your server was a bad idea.

Maybe... (MOCKINGLY BABBLES)

Yeah, that's great.

Can someone tell a story or something?

Can someone tell a story or something? Ooh, ooh! I've got one.

Ooh, ooh! I've got one.

This is the tale of the man who couldn't tell the truth.

(LAUGHING) Sounds fun!

A man who let his dong lead him around like it was possessed.

Well, that took a dark turn.

One day, the soul-less man decided

he'd go dick-spelunking into a cave that wasn't his.

Sounds like a terrible man. Barely a man at all.

(STAMMERS) How about if I tell a story?

It's about a nosy young woman

who couldn't keep out of other people's business.

Sounds more like a parable.

I like my story better.

I think we're being generous calling any of these stories.

May I?

WWII,

a foxhole deep in the armpit of France.

Doesn't matter where. All of Europe is a shit hole.

The German panzers were closing in on our position.

We had dead. We had wounded.

We all knew we were going to die.

Just as the tanks crested the hill above us,

a figure appeared in the sky.

I saw a hand reaching down for me.

I saw a hand reaching down for me. It was the hand of the best man I've ever known.

It was the hand of the best man I've ever known.

It was the hand of the best man I've ever known. Jesus!

Jesus!

Titanium Rex.

He saved us all.

And I swore an oath that day. An oath of loyalty

to a man I can trust with my life.

To Titanium Rex.

Ranger, there's something I have to tell you...

Tomorrow, on our fishing trip.

There goes the finest man I've ever...

Cooch, what in the hell is going on with you?

What you looking at, G.I. Joe?

What you looking at, G.I. Joe? You're completely unkempt! Stop looking at me like that.

You're completely unkempt! Stop looking at me like that.

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) What you want to do, Cleb?

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) What you want to do, Cleb? Oh, I got something real sweet planned for these heroes.

Oh, I got something real sweet planned for these heroes.

Yeah, but what, exactly, though?

You'll know soon enough.

Give us a hint?

Maybe just the direction you're heading?

Okay, I haven't come up with nothing yet! Happy?

Are we gonna need these shotguns?

Uh... Yeah, totally!

Giddy-up.

Morning, Rex!

(YAWNS) Yeah.

I can't wait to go fishing.

I think we should discuss something first.

Gloria told me you put your rod in her trunk.

No worries. I grabbed it before we left!

(MUTTERS) Oh, thank Christ.

Have you seen my wife's box?

Oh, there it is!

Gloria tells me you're a big fan of the bum tickler.

Can't argue with you there.

Can't argue with you there. The fish go crazy for this thing!

The fish go crazy for this thing!

You know, Rex, you're wasting an awful lot of coffee.

(WHISTLING)

(MUTTERS) Dear God, this is going to suck!

(GROANING)

Nothing like a good night's sleep and fresh mountain...

(SCREAMS) Good morning.

Is it? What happened to you?

I had to sleep on the ground last night.

(LAUGHING) You didn't bring a tent?

Well, kind of assumed I'd be sleeping in yours.

Come on. You know what would happen if we slept in the same tent.

No, I don't. Why don't you tell me?

Or better yet, show me?

Have you lost your freaking mind?

Keep your voice down! He has supersonic hearing.

Why, yes, it is nice having a platonic relationship with you, Lex!

Why, yes, it is nice having a platonic relationship with you, Lex! Come on!

Come on!

Don't you want to...

Okay, okay, fine.

But we got to get you cleaned up first.

Bunsen! See what you can do with this.

I'm not a magician, but I'll do my best.

Oh. Okay.

Well, no denying it now.

I'm going feral. Son of a bitch.

I don't know. I kind of like it.

Oh, really?

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Those claws are like X-ACTO blades!

Just... Just sit over there, please!

Well, well, well. What do we got here?

Uh, Brad and Cooch.

You wear an awful lot of pink for a tough guy.

Something you want to tell me?

Uh, that's my skin.

Whoa, whoa! Are you hitting on me?

Dude, you are really not helping right now.

I'll help you. Shut your dumb face!

Line starts here. Take a ticket.

Uh, Cooch, let's go for a hike.

I don't know what the hell to make of that.

Pretty sure that means I don't like it.

Ahh! This is what I fought for, Rex.

This is what it's all about.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

Well, there's no easy way for me to say this.

God, I don't even know how to begin.

I can't get it up for Gloria anymore!

Whoa! Father Time has taken that woman

Whoa! Father Time has taken that woman to the cleaners and forgot to pick her up.

to the cleaners and forgot to pick her up.

I'll honor the vows I made, of course,

but sometimes I wish

she had found someone else and moved on.

Oh, really? Then we could separate,

and I could be happy, totally guilt-free.

Well, I never looked at it that way.

I would just want to know he was a good guy,

someone who knew how to treat her right,

someone I could trust.

Well, this is... Whoo!

(CHUCKLES AND CLEARS THROAT)

I have some good news for you.

What do you mean?

(TITANIUM REX SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(AMERICAN RANGER WAILING)

Tadah! (CHUCKLES)

That Bunsen's pretty good.

Might need to unwrap him from the tent a couple times a year.

Will you be fornicating in the tent, sir?

We're good, thanks.

(WHISPERS) Let's go someplace private.

Ooh. What, like, in the woods with the bugs? Blah!

I promise

that's the last thing you'll be thinking about.

Are you... Oh, shit.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Are you sure this is a good idea? I'm hearing the call of the wild, man!

I'm hearing the call of the wild, man!

Cooch, nature isn't scary.

It's beautiful. It's peaceful.

♪ The woods, they are a symphony ♪

(BOAR GROWLING) (SCREAMS)

Cooch! Hand me another bird!

(GROWLING) BRAD: Cooch?

(SHRIEKS) (WHIMPERS)

Whoa. That was close.

Glad you were here. (SNARLING)

Cooch? (DISTORTED) I can't stop it!

Run! (SHOUTS) Help!

I knew it! It's a goddamn chupacabra.

CLEB: Well, look who it is. (GUN COCKS)

Our pretty little metal man.

(YELLS)

How could you? With my wife?

How could you? With my wife? You asked me to take care of her.

You asked me to take care of her.

Like give her a ride to church!

Not two tickets to Pound Town!

You were dead for all I knew.

Oh, when you found out I was alive, you stopped.

Yeah, uh...

Son of a bitch!

Ooh! Uh! Ranger, please, you've got to forgive me.

I'm your best friend.

Former best friend.

(GASPS) You wouldn't!

Watch me.

No! Ranger, come back!

I get it you're mad.

How can you get it?

How would you possibly know... (MOANING)

How would you possibly know... (MOANING) (SCREAMS) Huh? Ranger?

(SCREAMS) Huh? Ranger?

Saturn! Dad?

Lex! (SCREAMS)

I'm fucking out of here!

I'll kill him! Rip him apart!

Get off of me! Holy shit! (GROWLING)

What the hell is wrong with you?

Dad, stop it! You're acting crazy. Calm down.

You... Okay. Y... You... You're right. You're right.

You... Okay. Y... You... You're right. You're right. Saturn! Cooch!

Saturn! Cooch!

They're gonna get lost out there.

If we split up, we can find them before the sun goes down.

Ranger, I need you to... Not this time, Rex.

What? What do you mean?

What? What do you mean? I once swore an oath to a man I trusted with my life,

I once swore an oath to a man I trusted with my life,

a man who believed in honor, friendship, loyalty.

You... I don't even know who you are.

I am no longer a member of the League of Freedom.

"Let's tell Ranger about the decades-long affair I had with his wife!"

Bravo! Great idea, Lex.

I have a lot to catch up on.

Right up here's where I saw that chupacabra, clear as day.

Cool. We'll find her there, metal man. We got your back.

Why do we have his back, Cleb?

Because, dumbass, that chupacabra hangs out

with that silver-haired cape monkey

that put my head through my truck.

What you gonna do with that boy when you find him, Cleb?

Why you always put me on the spot?

It would just be nice to know where we're going with this.

You know I can't think under pressure! God damn it!

Bingo, lingo, dingo. Not far now.

BLACK SATURN: I'm a man without a team.

My heart betrayed me, and now Rex wants me dead.

My heart betrayed me, and now Rex wants me dead. Which is bullshit, because I didn't even finish.

Which is bullshit, because I didn't even finish.

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS) I navigate urban jungles with ease.

I navigate urban jungles with ease.

I'll eat this up with a spoon.

(CHITTERING)

Is that squirrel laughing at my dick?

Ho ho. Oh, yeah? Well, let's see what you got!

Holy shit. Alvin is packing.

Right, Dad, I did it on purpose.

You're totally right. That was my plan all along.

You're totally right. That was my plan all along. Infiltrate the League and weaken them from the inside

Infiltrate the League and weaken them from the inside

by making my dad own up to his own mistakes!

I'm gonna need you two to shut up for a minute.

Daddy's got to go to work.

Hey, Brad, buddy, what... What's all that?

The tools of my trade.

A highly-organized combination of chemicals

that will allow my brain to see higher realms

of order and meaning.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. You're gonna do drugs.

Yeah, pretty much.

I don't mean to interrupt your session,

but is this, like, the best use of your time?

Cooch's ego has disappeared into an ancient place.

I've got to talk to nature. I've got to...

Oh, shit! Here I go!

(DISTORTED) Brad!

(BABBLING)

I'm really glad I brought you all along.

(GRUNTS) There. At least I'll have a shred of dignity.

Oh! Damn it!

How do you keep your wang from popping out of these things?

(SQUIRRELS CHITTERING)

(SQUIRRELS CHITTERING) Oh! Ah! Stop laughing at my dick!

Oh! Ah! Stop laughing at my dick!

(COOCH GROWLING) Huh?

Easy, girl. It's me, Black Saturn. Everything is...

Son of a bitch! Get back in there and stay!

(DISTORTED SHOUTING)

(BRAD BABBLING)

(BABBLING) Ruh?

What the hell is going on here?

Wh... Where am I?

"I" has no meaning here.

Here, spirits commune directly,

beings of pure light.

Kind of looks like a Dave & Buster's.

I can kind of see that.

Seriously, what the hell is going on here? (BOTH GRUNTING)

So, I went feral? How do I get back?

Rearrange the letters in the word "feral,"

and you get "fear."

What about that "L"?

The "L" stands for...

Lalala... "Let go."

You just made that up!

Let go of your fear. That's the point.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Except that god damn "L"! Keeping my eye on you, "L."

Forget about the "L"!

You're safe. You can trust me.

I... I know. Holy shit.

Where am I?

Brad, you did it!

(LAUGHS) You're a genius!

(BABBLING) Oh, my God.

(REDNECKS LAUGHING)

Rednecks? Oh, we're screwed, Cooch.

I know you look up to me, but I'm almost useless without my gear.

Well, too bad for them. I'm back.

(GUN COCKS) Oh, they got guns?

Okay, let's get them hands up. Way up.

"Hey, Rex, you just lost your best friend.

"Oh, you need a cherry for that shit sundae?

"Your daughter is fucking a moron!"

That's it! Everything that's happened this weekend has been your fault!

And I like Saturn! I like him!

Why can't you just be a supportive father?

Well, it's not as if I had a lot of time to prepare,

seeing as you just showed up on my doorstep unannounced!

(GASPS)

(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, look, a tree. I'm just gonna look at it for a minute.

(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, look, a tree. I'm just gonna look at it for a minute. Lex, no, I... Oh!

Lex, no, I... Oh!

Excellent work, Rex. You did it again.

LEX: (SCREAMS) Dad, come quick!

Lex!

Lex! Don't move, Dad.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the silver-haired so-and-so

that ruined my favorite truck and my favorite face.

Apparently, not enough.

Careful. Billy and Sid got the DTs...

In their trigger fingers. (CHUCKLING)

Just let me cover up my wang!

Now we gonna settle this once and for all.

Any other day, I would shove that shotgun right up your ass

and then tie it in a knot!

But following my impulses doesn't seem to be working out too good for my team.

You let my friends go and you... (TAPPING AND RUSTLING)

Jewbot, you stop that right now!

(LAUGHS) Look at that thing.

You let my friends go, and you do with me what you will.

Deal!

Oh, right. I'm bulletproof. Sorry about that.

Okay. Then I want you to um...

To punch yourself in the face!

Uh, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) Here goes.

(GRUNTS) (REDNECKS LAUGH)

Yeah, that's right! Now pull your pants down.

(UNLOCKS BELT) (GASPS)

Taking a weird turn, Cleb.

Now, take that shiny fist of yours

and shove it up your ass.

Here goes nothing.

Cleb! (GRUNTING)

You know what your problem is, son?

You know what your problem is, son? You're worried about your kicks

You're worried about your kicks

when you should be worried about your friends.

What? Cocka-doodle-doo, motherfucker!

Ranger, you came back!

It takes a big man to stick his own fist up his butthole for his team.

Now, I don't know if I can be your friend, you son of a bitch,

but I'm proud to call you my leader.

You didn't actually touch your butthole with your... Just checking.

Everyone okay? Nothing hurt but my digni...

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Bunsen?

Sir. (LAUGHING)

Bunsen! (SCREAMS)

Will there be anything else, sir?

That'll do, Bunsen. That'll do.

(GRUNTS) (ROARS)

Let's get the hell out of here.

(GRUNTING) (MOANING)

(PURRING) (IN NORMAL VOICE) Everyone, I am reconnected to the cloud.

I am ready for civilized conversation again.

(BABBLING)

Or I will put my headphones on.

Psst! Ranger. So, uh... We cool?

Absolutely not. No.

COOCH: Chill out, dude. It's not like he banged your mom.

You didn't sleep with my mother, did you, Rex?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You know, I think that's our turn up here.

Rex.

(YELLING) Rex?

(ECHOING) Rex!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Next week on Bunsen: Backwoods Butler...

Dinner is served, motherfucker!

(MEN GRUNTING)

ANNOUNCER: Bunsen! He's kicking butler.