Original subtitles

BLACK SATURN: Hello, little piggy. (WHIMPERING)

Going to the market? (BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh.

BLACK SATURN: Oink, oink. (GASPING)

How's my favorite porker?

Saturn, please. Stop calling me that.

What are you going to do?

Wee, wee, wee all the way home?

Okay, I'm leaving.

No, no, no. Come back.

I'm just having some fun. You have the stuff?

You know, all of my other clients come to the shop.

Dear God, they're glorious.

Damn right, they're glorious.

I don't make shit rocket shoes.

Not so fast.

Your check bounced.

Your check bounced. No way. My mom deposits 50 large into my account every week.

No way. My mom deposits 50 large into my account every week.

I'll write you another one.

What are you, 70?

No more checks. I want cash.

Fine. But don't come crying to me if you get mugged

carrying around 3 bucks

and my Blockbuster membership card?

and my Blockbuster membership card? A Blockbuster... Geez.

A Blockbuster... Geez.

Call me when you get your allowance, dipshit.

No.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You want some Cooch?

(GASPS) Ugh.

Don't get mad, get Brad.

TITANIUM REX: This is ri-goddamn-diculous.

TITANIUM REX: This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Our utility bills are killing us.

Our utility bills are killing us.

I thought I was clear

about the five-minute shower rule, people.

Minutes? I thought you said hours.

I've been leaving the water running

just to make quota.

This electric bill is brutal, Jewbot.

Do you have to charge to full power every night?

Only if you want to access all of my essential functions,

like this laugh track.

(BEEPS) (LAUGH TRACK PLAYS)

Yeah, I could cut back.

Made something special for you, Cooch.

Mouse pancakes? You think I'm five years old?

Mouse pancakes? You think I'm five years old? Oh, wait, I guess in people years, I am.

Oh, wait, I guess in people years, I am.

I did not hear that.

Whelp, I'm off to yoga.

Oh, well. Namaste, fuck-face.

She's, uh, really warming up to me.

You need a lift?

Oh, thanks. That's very sweet of you,

but I can, um, fly, so I'm good.

Cool, yeah. I'll drive you. You'll owe me a solid.

Jewbot, buddy, hey, my GPS is on the fritz.

Could you navigate?

That seems like a great use of a $3 billion automaton.

Okay, there's no reason the cable bill should be kissing four digits.

Who ordered Spanky Doodle Handy?

Innocent mistake.

I thought it was a boxing picture.

Still, quite inspirational.

I am shutting it down.

No more cable. Beg pardon?

Relax, Ranger. We've got Cableverse.

It's nearly impossible to cancel.

I think I can handle a cable company sales rep.

Not without Ma Bell.

(CLATTERING)

(BEEPING)

Goddamn this foul future.

Turn left in 300 feet.

Or don't. Whatever.

Still kind of trying to figure out what I'm doing in the car.

Cool, yeah. One day, maybe you could return the favor.

Okay, we just passed the yoga studio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll turn around.

Right after we make a quick stop.

Blammo.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Looks like we're all alone.

Bone on the table?

Uh... Actually, I was thinking we should talk?

Son of a bitch.

We need to communicate. You can't even look me

in the eye for more than three seconds.

I'm a cat, dude.

Eye contact is a sign of aggression.

But I want to know the real Cooch.

Okay. I... Like to bone.

Game over. Let's bone.

Fine. But afterwards, we're gonna talk. Hard.

Oh, you're still on hold? Well, I'd give up.

You know, life's too short.

You know, I'm not being general. You're old.

There's a box of Playboys in the attic. You can ha... (PHONE RINGS)

Hi.

Nice to meet you too, Rajesh.

Well, yes, you can.

I... I'm, I'm calling to cancel my service.

Oh, that's great.

He's just got to get the authorization from his manager.

Thanks for the update.

Oh, no, I didn't realize I'd been a customer for 20 years.

A loyalty offer?

Well, that... Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

No, no, no. "Pretty sweet" is not the same as "Yes".

I did not say yes, Rajesh.

(DIAL TONE) Rajesh!

That fast-talking son of a bitch just sold me a platinum package.

Cheers for the red, white and blue.

(MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Porn in the U.S.A. ♪

They want to play hardball?

They want to play hardball? Well, I'm cutting the goddamn cord.

Well, I'm cutting the goddamn cord.

(GRUNTS)

Why do you hate me? (CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, Rajesh. Nice of you... (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, how'd you know that I...

Doesn't negate the contract?

Well, I'd still like to cancel...

Well, I'd still like to cancel... (LINE CLICKS) God damn it. He hung up.

(LINE CLICKS) God damn it. He hung up.

Tell it to someone who isn't nursing a case of red, white and blue balls.

Whew! Dang.

Shit, man. (PANTING)

So, what are you thinking about?

Damn, thought you'd forget

about that "Talk about our feelings" bullshit.

Cooch, I don't want to wind up like my parents,

sitting on the couch watching television.

I think Pootie Tang might be on Crackle.

Well, shit. Can't pass that up.

Here we are. This won't take a minute.

Yeah, you guys can come with me. I insist.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, Saturn, just, like, quick little question.

What are we doing here?

What are we doing here? Just keep your mouth shut and follow my lead.

Just keep your mouth shut and follow my lead.

Oh, God, close the door. Quickly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aren't you going to invite me in?

Don't do it. He can't come inside if we don't ask him.

That's vampires.

Fine. (GROANS)

Come on in... Son.

Saturn, you grew up in this palace?

Don't be a hater.

I'm still just Saty from the block.

Oh, son, I wish you'd told us you were coming.

So you could change the alarm code

and get me arrested like the last time?

Yes, that is why I wish that.

I see you're still running around in that horrid little costume.

I'm a dark avenger on a legitimate super team.

Yes, your government job.

Yes, your government job. (BOTH SHUDDER) I have my own bootleg Mexican action figure,

(BOTH SHUDDER) I have my own bootleg Mexican action figure,

Saturno Negro, and my own robot manservant.

Come again? Good God!

You're never giving us grandkids, are you?

You're never giving us grandkids, are you? Actually, Mom, I have some big news.

Actually, Mom, I have some big news.

I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend.

I'm sorry. Uh, come again?

(WHISPERS) Saturn, you want me to pretend I'm your girlfriend?

You owe me for taking you to yoga.

You never took me to yoga!

Son, whatever scam you're running, we don't have time today.

Dudley's nanny, Veruschka, didn't show up

and we have to find a replacement

or make him a sandwich, or whatever nannies do.

I'm sorry, who's Dudley?

My stupid little brother.

The golden child.

Hi, big brother.

(GROANS) Hello, Dudley.

Oh, he's so cute!

Dudley, tell your brother's friend what you want to be when you grow up.

A doctor, a lawyer and president.

Oh, an adult! Well, that makes one of you.

(YELLING) Get out of here, Dudley!

I have to talk to Mom and Dad.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

Oh, great. Now what do we do?

Perhaps someone should comfort him.

His nanny is sick.

We'll just have to let him cry until he passes out.

Mind if the unfeeling robot takes a crack?

Eh, oh...

Dudley, would you like a hug?

What is "hug"?

Okay, guys...

We're very busy. Very busy.

Mmm.

Robot man, will you be my best friend?

Oh, we'd be happy to pay you.

That won't be necessary.

That won't be necessary. I'm on a quest to understand humankind.

I'm on a quest to understand humankind.

The chance to touch this child is payment enough.

That came out weird.

The '70s were a real heyday for fans of untamed pubic hair.

Oh, no, you listen to me, Rajesh.

I will not be tricked into another upgrade. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Well... Okay.

I'm... I'm... I'm glad we understand each other.

I guess I can come down to the branch office.

Are you sure you can't just do it over the... Hello? (DIAL TONE)

Done! Uh-huh.

I've just got to go down to the branch office and seal the deal.

Did he give you an address?

Oh. No.

Good luck with all that, Rex.

Well, I'll just be here learning about Miss July 1994's favorite movies.

Oh, she likes NeverEnding Story, Steel Magnolias,

and my erection is gone.

I'm not letting this happen.

All alone again.

Wanna talk, or... Oh.

(YOWLING AND MOANING)

So, with rocket shoes I can expand

my crime-fighting territory, look awesome,

and take the Black Saturn brand straight into the cosmos.

(CHUCKLES) Not literally, 'cause you can't breathe in space.

True. But even at a few thousand feet,

you would need a pressurized suit.

I don't remember asking your opinion, Dudley.

Oh, I've heard enough.

Oh, I've heard enough. Cliff, get the checkbook, will you?

Cliff, get the checkbook, will you?

Was it 50 large you wanted?

"Pay to the order of no fucking way

"in the amount of over my dead body"?

We're done bankrolling your buffoonish lifestyle, son.

We're done bankrolling your buffoonish lifestyle, son. So, that's it? I'm cut off?

So, that's it? I'm cut off?

You want an allowance, earn it. How?

We have a multinational corporation.

You can have a respectable gig at Optacorp, GNN Telecom, Wiener Bat.

Wiener Bat? With the stupid uniforms?

Only losers work there.

Son, if you want your allowance,

you have to prove you can work a full day at a real job.

I respect your opinion, but I have one thing to say in my defense.

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Hey, buddy.

Oh, oh, hey, Lex.

Uh... I'm just playing Fallout 4.

It's totally kickass. (LAUGHS AND SOBS)

Saturn, I can tell you're crying.

So? It's Fallout 4.

I've waited years for this game, and it's beautiful.

I used the character creator to make a guy,

and I'm gonna love him and take care of him

and give him whatever he wants.

Don't worry, son.

Don't worry, son. I'll never make you feel stupid

I'll never make you feel stupid

or choose Dudley over you.

Saturn, I totally get it.

Parents really suck sometimes.

Oh, how would you know? Rex is a cool dad!

No, not him. My mom.

She's... Not very nice,

but I still try to please her.

And even when our parents are assholes,

we still want their love.

(SOBBING)

Oh, come on, don't cry. Please?

I... I'm not I'm not crying.

I, um... I... I... I'm laughing at...

At the the absurdity of life.

At the the absurdity of life. (LAUGHS AND SOBS)

(LAUGHS AND SOBS)

Saturn.

(GUNSHOTS) Oh, hey. Looks like your guy's in trouble.

Let me help him out.

Oh, my gosh, I just blew that up.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, shoot. Saturn?

(SOBBING)

Whoa. (THUDDING AND CRASHING)

(GROANING)

How can I earn my parents' money... Love?

I meant love.

Just show me a sign.

Holy shit. There it is.

Thanks for the ice cream, robot man. (CHUCKLES)

Dudley, why were you so adamant we go through this alley?

Dudley, why were you so adamant we go through this alley? You lost or something, ese?

You lost or something, ese?

This is Hector's alley.

(GUNS COCK)

Initiating defense protocol.

(BEEPS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(GUN CLICKS) (SCREAMS)

Dudley, are you all right?

I've got a message for Hector. (GUN COCKS)

Dudley, we don't play with guns. Oh, my God.

Wait, do you know these men?

Wait, do you know these men? I maybe kind of pissed them off

I maybe kind of pissed them off

I maybe kind of pissed them off by selling some "high-grade shit" on their turf.

by selling some "high-grade shit" on their turf.

Where on Earth did you get drugs?

I stole 'em from Optacorp.

My dad owns it.

My dad owns it. Dudley, that's illegal.

Dudley, that's illegal.

What is "illegal"?

Oh, cut the shit, Dudley.

Privet, Dudley.

The fuck?

(SCREAMS) (CRACKLING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Batter up.

Could I offer you a fried cheese wedge to finish you off?

No. I mean, to go with your wiener.

Screw you, buddy. I have a thyroid condition.

No, wrap it up. I'll take it, but, you know,

you know, watch it.

Saturn, quit scaring the customers.

The lemonade needs jumping.

Jump, motherfucker, Jump.

(SCREAMING) Stop hitting me, dude.

Look at you. I'm impressed.

I know. I look tee-ight.

I think it's awesome you're showing your parents

I think it's awesome you're showing your parents you can be a responsible employee.

you can be a responsible employee.

Thanks, Lex. Hey, you want a free wiener?

I can't figure out the register,

so I'm just giving them away.

But, but, but... That's it. You're fired.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, nice try.

I'm the boss's son.

Then go stink up another one of his companies.

Fine. I... I will.

Let's go, Lex.

Actually, I was just taking this skirt back to the Gap, so...

Well, a... After that, then.

Well, Rajesh put up a good fight,

but after 15 hours and one Freedom of Information Act request, we found it.

Oh, yay...

(DOOR RATTLES) What?

Argh. Hello?

Rajesh. Open up.

Haha. Looks like I've been porn again.

(GRUNTS) God damn it.

What the hell?

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

No, Rex. Let it go.

You can't win this game.

Rajesh, you son of a bitch.

I ought to... (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What? You've got great news?

Exciting upgrade offer to go fuck myself?

I will find you, Rajesh.

If I have to scour the planet, I will find you, Rajesh!

(GRUNTING)

You know what you need, Rex? (SHUSHING) You hear that?

MULTIPLE VOICES: Hello, this is Rajesh. I spoke with my manager and...

RAJESH: Hello, this is Rajesh.

I spoke with my manager... (SCREAMS) There you are!

What are you doing? Who are you?

Don't you play coy with me, Rajesh.

Don't you play coy with me, Rajesh. I'm very sorry, sir, but I've never spoken to you in my life.

I'm very sorry, sir, but I've never spoken to you in my life.

MULTIPLE VOICES: Hi, it's Rajesh. My name is Rajesh.

Hello, this is Rajesh. My name is Rajesh.

No!

Cooch, come on. We need to communicate.

Shut up. I'm watching this.

Uh, the TV is still busted.

Nah, man. The show in my head.

Well, now I missed the ending. Shit.

That's it. Cooch, tell me what's in your head.

We can talk about that.

Mmm... Okay.

Jingle sound, pega-corn, bloop-blop-bleep-blanky...

Wait, what's a taco? Get out of my head, pie man.

Stop, Cooch. Just stop.

MAN: Dudley, Dudley, Dudley.

Did you really think you could

steal my best girl and get away with it?

Dudley, sex trafficking?

Whoa. I'm not pimping. It's just an illegal sweatshop thing.

A good seamstress is at a big premium right now.

Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

Plus, he encroached on my gunrunning operation.

God damn it, Dudley.

Initiating distress signal. (BEEPING)

This is Jewbot two-niner calling for backup.

Hey, dude, I thought of something we can talk about.

I was thinking that... ALARM: Emergency.

League member requesting backup from any available teammates.

Emergency.

Nope, it's gone. God damn it.

Rajesh. Show yourself, you silky-voiced cipher. (SCREAMS)

Where is my Rajesh? Are you my Rajesh? Are you?

Please hit me. I need to feel something.

BLACK SATURN: Hi, this is Rajesh,

and I have an exciting promotion for you.

You can get... Saturn?

Oh, hey, guys.

W... Wait... What are you doing here?

I'm just doing a little telemarketing to prove I'm a man.

My dad owns Cableverse.

My dad owns Cableverse. (CHUCKLES) Oh, holy shit. You can cancel my cable.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, holy shit. You can cancel my cable.

Oh, uh, I really don't think I should.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, come on.

It's your dad's company. You can do whatever you want.

Oh, sure. (SCOFFS) My dad totally listens to me.

And respects me.

Oh, who am I kidding?

My dad thinks I'm a total knob.

If I cancel the cable, he'll cut me off in a heartbeat.

If I cancel the cable, he'll cut me off in a heartbeat. Saturn, you're an adult... According to the law.

Saturn, you're an adult... According to the law.

It is time you stood up for yourself and made your own decisions.

But he's my dad.

I am your leader.

You're right, Rex. I... (GUN COCKS)

AMERICAN RANGER: Don't do it.

If you cancel that cable, I've got nothing left.

No premium double dog, no furry gang-bang...

I'm not beating my meat to a Steel Magnolias-loving centerfold from 1994.

I'm better than that.

Give me the gun. Huh?

Give me the gun. Huh? Shoot me. End this dark charade. Hey, get off of me. No.

Shoot me. End this dark charade. Hey, get off of me. No.

Saturn, do it.

I... I...

Push the button.

BLACK SATURN: I... I... (SHATTERING)

No.

Hey, Dad, can Dudley do this?

What?

(RINGING AND SIRENS WAILING) No.

You did the right thing, Saturn.

But at what cost?

Sir, one of your Cableverse employees terminated a customer's service.

I see.

Bring him to me.

Psst. Robot man, get us out of here.

We will need a distraction.

You said I'd get piece of your pie, Dudley.

Well, I'm hungry now.

Give me Eastside, the port, and toss in Michigan,

and we call it a day.

That sounds like a fair deal.

That sounds like a fair deal. Let's shake on it and...

Let's shake on it and...

(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

My Russian is not great.

My Russian is not great. Did you just tell him to fuck himself?

Did you just tell him to fuck himself?

I would never!

I told him I banged his mom.

If that's true, I will have a long conversation with my mother.

But for now, say good-bye to your precious nanny.

Veruschka!

Dah. Fine, Vitaly.

You can have it all.

No, Dudley. We've worked too hard.

We didn't spill blood from Donetsk to Los Angeles

just to have this shitbag take it from us.

You're right, Veruschka.

No deal, Vitaly.

Very well.

(GUN COCKS) Dasvidaniya, Veruschka.

(CRASHING) Where's the bash?

Nyet. The League of...

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING) (FIRING)

That is quite a nanny.

Come on.

(GRUNTING)

Well, I've really made a difference in that boy's life.

(VERUSHKA GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Damn, I hate Russian criminals. They're dog people.

Cooch, that's the first personal,

kind of racist thing you've ever shared with me.

Shit. I guess it is!

You eyeballing me?

Oh, oh, right, right. Sign of aggression. Sorry.

(MEOWING)

Not the best time for that, but... (GROANS)

Sure.

The Cableverse employee who went rogue, sir.

Hey, let go of him.

You? You canceled one of our customers?

It's called initiative, Dad.

Or were you looking for a yes-man?

The job pays $8 an hour.

I was looking for a yes-man, obviously.

Well, Black Saturn is his own man, Father.

But since I worked a full day,

I would like to get that allowance.

Fine. Go get your rocket shoes

Fine. Go get your rocket shoes or take your fake girlfriend to dinner or...

or take your fake girlfriend to dinner or...

Or whatever else you do to embarrass our good family name.

Ugh. You're wrong about your son.

He's a hard worker and a great guy,

and I am not a fake girlfriend.

I'mma show you how much we love each other with our mouths.

Mmm.

That is the fakest kiss...

Oh. She just grabbed his junk!

Well, he finally bagged one.

Well, he finally bagged one. I have to admit, I'm impressed.

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Mmm. Are you serious, Lex?

I don't need your pity.

All I ever wanted was your love.

And this is certainly not that.

Oh! Oh! Oh, God. Oh!

Hah. Come on, not-fake girlfriend.

I'm taking you home.

I'm taking you home. We're making it a Blockbuster night.

We're making it a Blockbuster night.

If you can find a Blockbuster, sure.

So, we going to third base tonight?

I might let you bunt into first. Why not?

Thanks for looking after me today, Robot man.

I owe you big time.

I'd rather not you be indebted to me, or me to you,

or really engage in a transaction of any kind.

Can I get a hug before you go?

Can I get a hug before you go? I don't see why not...

I don't see why not...

If you tell anyone about this, I'll tear your head off

and melt it into a doorknob.

What is Dudley?

Great job getting the cable cut.

Great job getting the cable cut. This is... Really fun.

This is... Really fun.

Well, we could talk.

Get to know each other.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

How's Ranger holding up?

How's Ranger holding up? Oh, (CHUCKLES) I think he'll be just fine.

Oh, (CHUCKLES) I think he'll be just fine.

Holy McCrackles!

BLACK SATURN: Pretty sweet kicks, right?

Nice, son. Where'd you get the money though?

BLACK SATURN: Oh, I kind of photo-deposited the check.

BLACK SATURN: Oh, I kind of photo-deposited the check. And this is certainly not that.

And this is certainly not that.

A photo deposit. That is... Interesting.

Well, kinda defeats the whole taking-a-stand thing, but...

Yeah, cool. Hey, I got you a little something.

Aww. (GIGGLES)

That's so thoughtful.

Oh, wow. Rocket shoes.

For girls. That's why they're pink.

You know I can fly, right?

Oh, looks like we're having our first fight. Peace.

(GRUNTING)

And you're dating Saturn.

Okay. BLACK SATURN: Whoo-hoo. Yeah. Awesome.

Okay. BLACK SATURN: Whoo-hoo. Yeah. Awesome. Dudley, bath time, lapochka.

Dudley, bath time, lapochka.

Bol'shoe spacibo, Veruschka.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Oh, my beautiful boy.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)