Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(vacuum motor humming)

(phone ringing)

(speaking foreign language)

- Hey! - Eh.

- Fuckin' hell Thomas why'd you leave that fucking hoover

there for?

(speaking foreign language)

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Enough.

No I did not hit her.

I did not hit her,

I did not.

Oh hi Tom.

Are you gonna do any fucking work old boy?

The birds,

the bees,

it brings 'em to her knees.

To suck on my D.

The grass.

Oy oy, what have we here?

Some youth must have dropped their spud gun.

Crikey it feels real.

Fucking looks real too.

Don't know that shit.

Oh a gardener loves a bit of bush.

Dirty bush.

Clean bush.

Love the bush, get right into the bush.

(laughing)

I crack myself up.

Stray bit of bush.

(suspenseful music)

Gardner do this, gardener do that.

Clean this, clean that.

Sweep up this.

Fuckin' had enough of it.

Where's that chef?

I'm fuckin' hungry, want some food.

Sandwich maybe.

I got the baps.

(laughing)

(speaking foreign language)

What are you talking about Thomas?

Eh?

It's a Casio, I know yeah.

Get off.

Hey.

He actually chopped it off.

(laughing)

Hey!

It was just a tickle, more like a scratch actually.

Come on big boy, get around here and show me what you got.

(laughing)

You pussy.

(laughing)

Come on big boy, I'm waiting for ya.

I ain't got all day.

Huh?

Hello?

Hello?

Here he is.

Get in here.

Yeah fucking come on.

I can take some more.

Yeah come around here.

Nice and close, nice and close.

Go on then, chop it off, I dare you.

(snapping)

Oy, oy is that all you've got?

Hey you're tearing me apart.

(laughing)

Oy come on pussy-o.

Come back around here.

I've still got a couple of limbs you can lop off.

(laughing)

Come on big boy, let me see ya.

You're tearing me apart Tom.

Ah fucking hell.

Hey, it's just a fucking flesh wound.

A fucking tickle.

Come on big boy,

yeah fuck him.

Fucking kill, you nasty fucking bastard.

It's nothing.

Maybe tickles a little bit.

(dramatic music)

(dog growling)

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

Smells like that bird.

Hi Thomas.

Hey I was only joking about the magic horse, I'm sorry.

Oh god it's stuck in the crows there's so much in here.

It's gonna come out in a minute.

Come on.

(siren wails)

Oh yeah, just a little bit more.

Come on you're nearly there.

Oy, Thomas, have you seen the,

well hello there little fella what have we here?

(speaking foreign language)

He's some sort of lady bird or something?

Some sort of magical shagger or something, oh get right in

there son.

Hey, hey, on your head.

There you go see you later.

(laughing)

- Hello?

Hello.

Oh hello, are you open?

Hello.

Oh thank you.

I have a job interview with, hang on,

George?

Is George here?

Oh you're George, oh wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah I'm Lazo, I'm here about the waitress position.

You told me to come in today for a chat.

Is that okay?

Oh, oh not for me thank you.

I've just got back from a lovely trip in the French Alps,

couldn't possibly sip on anymore wine.

Did you ask me if I wanted wine?

Sorry I can't remember.

Could I just have a water please?

You do do water, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay can I have a water please?

Sorry I'm nervous, I've not had a job interview

for awhile now.

'Cause I've been skiing.

Relax.

I'm really good at carrying food.

I'm organised, I'm reliable, I'm friendly, I'm funny.

Customers will like me.

I'm really quick at serving drinks and food.

I can waitress, I've got waitressing experience.

People will like me.

I'm really good and quick at carrying food.

I can carry three plates at a time.

I've got bar experience as well.

I'm chatty,

I'm bubbly,

I turn up on time.

I can do extra shifts.

I'm organised, reliable, friendly, chatty, funny,

and.

- In what moon did thou fall

and grace me with here ever growing bright light,

height,

sight,

might,

kite?

Without grace,

there cannot be mace,

haste,

or wall paper paste.

You feel me through the walls,

the stalls,

the pigeon does

nothing but calls.

(mocking pigeon calls)

Are you the grass,

the fallen soldiers,

the bench?

Or are you looking to dance?

- What?

- Does my poetry not make you think,

"Wow, this guys both handsome, good looking and beautiful."?

- Both?

You said three things.

- And modest?

- I'm just waiting for George.

- Yeah I'm the gardener.

- Well done.

- Thanks, yeah yeah yeah.

I used to be the cleaner but now I'm the gardener.

I think in the next couple years, you know what I've been

offered?

- Head chef?

- No.

No no no no no.

Way better than that.

Glass bottle recycler.

Magical.

- So George, he's in charge right?

- Oh no, no no no no no.

George is sleeping, he had a late one last night.

- Are you George?

(laughing)

- Do I look like George?

- No.

- Well I could be if you wanted me to be.

Oh look out.

(shouting in foreign language)

Hey alright, alright.

Oh whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey off me all's fair game in love and warfare.

Come on big boy.

Come on.

If you want some I'm gonna give it to ya.

Are you ready for it?

I'll fucking chop you up.

(yelling)

The chick was begging for it, she wanted me to fucking smack

her in the toilet.

She said "Oh give it to me Gardner.".

See you later mate, you joke.

- Cala-maka-dula-doo.

(speaking foreign language)

- Dushka-Talamanka.

(beeping)

Dushka

Talamanka.

- Dushka-Talamanka.

Selfish sins.

No!

(beeping)

(explosion)

(panting)

- Aye chubbly order, what are you up to?

What are you looking at?

The birds or something?

(laughing)

- Dushka-Talamanka.

- Yeah yeah yeah whatever eh?

Look I'm gonna tell you about this bird.

She was like, oh she was well up for it and then the next

minute I know she reckons I've smashed her up or something.

It's awful.

After you big guy.

(upbeat music)

- Good thing I've got my arm around you.

Okay alright, let me see that magical horse.

- It's a fucking unicorn you fucking idiot.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

(upbeat music)