Original subtitles

(birds chirping)

- Dave.

- [Dave] Awesome.

- How do?

- Do well.

How do? - Well do.

You seen chef?

- Not for them couple of days.

- Oh.

We done then?

- Yeah, dude.

Just got to go change and we can go do something.

- What do you wanna do?

- Go to Rome?

- We're not fucking going to fucking Rome!

- But then we can say, "When in Rome."

- Idiot.

- I always wanted to see the leaning tower of pizza.

Do you reckon it gets mouldy?

I mean, it's a whole lot of pizza

and it's been there some long time.

What it is, mama?

- Mm, it's Glastonbury this weekend, isn't it.

Do you wanna break in?

- Nah, that's for them people who like the mud.

- Oh, you pussy!

Did I tell you what happened last year?

(laughs)

Right, so we're off the back end of it, right?

And we're driving home.

Gorpy, you remember Gorpy, right?

Yeah you do, he used to work in the kitchen.

He got fingered up the bum by chef

for overcooking the salmon.

- [Dave] You mean, Corby?

- Yeah.

That's what I said, Gorby.

- You said Gorpy.

- I know what I fucking said.

- You said Gorpy.

- Gorpy, Gor,

it's not like it's a fucking common name, is it?

It's not Trev or John or something.

How could I forget a name like Gor?

Anyway, we gotta get back, right?

He's knackered, but as you know,

I can't drive for shit so he has to, right?

And we're ploughing down the M4,

'cause I gotta get back for work.

But you know chef doesn't like it

when I bring the classs-A's in, right?

So we gotta finish off the leftovers.

I turn round to Gorpy, and I says,

"Hey, mate, rack up two fat slugs

"right here on the dashboard."

He looks happy, so I does it.

Right, obviously he has the chang 'cause he's driving.

That means I get to take a little trip to Keterine.

Whack on the radio, the best of Glastonbury.

There I am fuckin' giving it inside the car, you know?

Really going for it, primal scream, banging out.

And then, Gorpy, donut,

he starts slowing down, like in the middle of the M4,

slows the car right down to a halt and he turns to me

and he says, "Can't drive that way.

"Motorway's too narrow."

Motorways too?

There's three lanes of fucking traffic flying past

at 70 miles an hour, I turns round, I'm like,

"Gorpy, what the fuck are you doing?"

And he just looks off into the distance.

At nothing.

And he rubs his hands and he says,

"Alligators."

And I sees it.

He's got a right fucking polo round his nostril, right?

It's crystallised, only the way the kettle does.

It dawns on me, we've had the wrong fucking lines,

haven't we, I've had the gack and he's had the wonk!

(laughs) And next thing I know,

I'm there in the middle of the motorway at a standstill

trying to get him to invest all his money

in a property portfolio in Weston Supermare

'cause I've heard it's the new Brighton.

(laughing)

- So, what's your point.

- Well, I'm not sure.

Glastonbury,

it's fun.

- It's cool.

I remember Corby.

He's the one Sal slapped for touching her bit on the side

as she walked past. - That's the one and only.

(laughs) Oh, do you know what we could do?

Finally finish solving the mystery.

- That would snatch our entire afternoon

in them things, huh?

- What else are we gonna do?

- True dat.

- Looks like I

am gonna have to go and get the book, aren't I?

We're gonna do it properly this time, right?

No fucking around.

We're gonna solve this mystery once and for all.

- Solving it will give me nothing but pleasure enough.

What it is, mama?

Slap my fro right on!

- I'll be back.

In like a minute or, yeah.

(footsteps clattering)

- Oh?

All right, babes?

- Girl.

- What time is it?

- Ah,

12, I think. - Oh (sniffles).

You been working? - I have.

- Do you wanna go and get some lunch

or go for a walk?

Maybe we could ah?

- Mm.

- You know, one of these days

you're gonna have to grow up.

- What do you mean by that?

- Well, you've had the same job since you were 14.

You text me at midnight to come over

and sort out your hoes.

And well, sleep in a laundry room.

You've got no ambition, no goals in life,

you don't wanna achieve anything.

You are every kind of beige.

- What's your point?

- If you delux, you'd be natural calico.

- Listen, I was kicked out when I was 13.

- Blah blah blah!

Kicked out at 13, I've heard it all before, boo-hoo.

Sort yourself out.

- I will prove you wrong.

- Sandra.

- Sandra, I will prove you wrong.

- Two months.

Two months I've been sleeping with him

and he doesn't know my name.

(scoffs) I've gotta get a new dick.

Still fresh.

- You can't be here.

- Come home, David.

You don't even call anymore.

Your mother's racking her brain with worry.

- I told you, I don't belong at home no mo.

Slap my fro right on!

(gasps)

- Is this Dave?

We have raised you better than this.

You have a doctorate and two Masters, David.

- But I wanna cook.

I told you this, dad.

You never understood, you never listen.

This is what I want.

- And you get what you want out of life being here?

- Yes. - By smoking cannabis

and working in a sweat box?

- You should be happy that I'm doing my own thing,

being my own man.

Just because you wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer

or some twat that sat behind a desk

just selling and buying stocks,

doesn't mean that's the life I wanted.

- Well, forgive me for wanting the best for my son.

- This is the life I chose.

I created this myself.

Without a silver spoon hanging out my mouth.

- By creating this persona, this caricature?

This Dave?

- I don't take life too seriously.

I don't see what we all should.

If I get hit by a bus tomorrow--

- Don't say that!

What the hell is wrong with you?

- I've been promoted, dad.

I'm now in the sauces and the meats.

They see a lot in me.

And the sous chef, he helps me out a lot.

I'm on a progression.

- Okay.

Okay.

Well, you know where we are.

You're allowed to come and say hello.

- [Dave] Thank you.

(footsteps clattering)

(children squealing)

- I found it.

- She still up there?

- Maybe. (shudders)

Here it is.

Ten years of uncertainty.

- Research the mystery of a lifetime.

What it is, mama?

Lay down right in front of us.

(mystical instrumental music)

- [Awesome] Did you know that ducks belong

to the bird family Anatidae?

Which also includes swans and geese.

There are members of this family worldwide

in every continent with the exception of Antarctica.

Some species, such as the mallard,

can be found throughout the world.

Whereas others have a much more narrow regional spread.

- Did you know a baby duck be called some duckling?

And some adult male be called some drake?

What it is, mama?

And that old female duck be called some hen or some duck.

A group of duck can be called some raft

team a paddlin'.

Generic terms like, bird, chicken, flock,

also apply to ducks.

- Did you know, ducks are highly waterproof?

As a result of an intricate feather structure

and a waxy coating applied to each feather

while it's preenin'.

They're so waterproof, in fact,

they can dive deep underwater

and their downy underlayer of feathers

will stay completely dry.

The uropygial gland, located near the base of the tail,

produces this waxy coating that covers the feathers so well

and it can be found on many types of bird.

- Did you know, it be some mad that some ducks

quacks won't echo?

This gots to be conclusively disapproved

through different scientific acoustic tests.

- [Awesome] We've been reading the same webpage.

- [Dave] Mm.

- Alright, let's proper think about this.

Let's get real, right?

Ducks can walk and swim.

So if the fight's taking place in or around water,

a ducks gonna win.

- Ah, so you're rapping about variables in this scenario?

- It's like that time that Gorpy and I wondered

how long it would take to melt a block of cheese.

- Ah, 'cause realising too many factos right?

Microwave, oven, barbecue, how big of the block of cheese.

What it is, mama?

Feta, cheddar, et cetera. - Exactly.

- Think we gots in way in over our heads over this.

- You're not wrong.

Where is the fight?

Are we on land, are we in the water?

Are we in the middle of a fucking volcano

surrounded by unicorns only eating Pringles?

All sorts.

- [Dave] It's got to be mutual ground.

- [Together] Sand.

- So, sand it is.

- You know, this be kinda pointless,

us tryin' to work it out.

We can't do the math for this kind of equation.

It's cool, bro. - Bro we can't even spell math

let alone make two plus two equals five.

- I think we need to Jimmy this way up to the world.

- Well, you know what we could do?

Open it up to the world.

What?

(toilet flushes)

(sighs)

- Don't put your shoes on the bed.

- What? - It's cool, bro.

This isn't some barn.

The rules be, we can use the damn room,

but no shoes on the bed. - Yeah, but--

- No yeah buts.

This isn't some awesome fucking playground, bro.

Have some decorum, bro!

- Alright.

Alright, who made you queen of the laundry?

- Respect a man's bed, and the man will respect you.

- Mm, yeah.

Okay.

We're live,

I think.

- How can you tell?

- Well, that red flashing dot

might be a bit of a giveaway (laughs).

Hello!

I'm Captain Awesome, this is Dave.

And we have got a decision to make.

- So, a bit like that fucking pointless Brexit game

that David fucking Cameron played last year,

we are gonna put this to a public vote.

Except for this is more important, right?

So, I hope there's a few of you watching.

Right, I hope any of you are watching.

I'm not actually sure if it's working at all.

- Get on with it. - Okay.

Okay, so,

the question is:

Who'd you rather fight?

Ten duck-sized cows,

or one cow-sized duck?

- [Dave] But first, we need to decide on

who would win the fight between ten duck-sized cows

and one cow-sized duck.

- Right, and to make this more interesting,

the little cows have knives, right?

Okay, so,

over to you, go on.

Oh.

Hey, here we go.

"Even without knives, ducks have beaks.

"Cows have nothing to fight with,

"so of course the duck would win."

Good point, good point, Bigdickplayer99.

- But them cows do got knives, though.

So you gots to imagine the knives would cut the beaks.

- Yeah.

It's all good stuff, though, guys.

All good stuff, keep it coming, keep it coming.

Right.

"Ten duck-sized cows would win,

"as there's more of dem

"so they could all surround the cow-sized duck

"and headbutt it continuously till he's dead."

That's a very interesting comment there,

Zachdavisandthegazel17.

- That's some blip point, Awesome.

But you gots to imagine that the damn duck

would swipe its beak and brush off the cows easily.

- Yep yep. - Mm, sorry there.

- Alright, well, we'll be back with you soon.

Right after Dave and I have nipped off

to go and get some food.

Thanks very much.

- What you doing?

We only got two messages.

- That was knackering, isn't it?

- Mm hmm. - Bit of grub?

- Let's go. - Yeah.

Right.

Are you Barry Chuckhold. - Nope.

- Whole Chuckhold? - Nope.

- Broom? - Nope.

- Rod hole? - No.

- Emu?

- [Dave] Nope.

- Orville?

- [Dave] Nope.

- [Awesome] Badger up far in wood?

- Right.

- They're leaving.

- Yeah, I know, I do have eyes.

- Ready? - Set.

- Cook!

- Go!

You dick.

- Ooh!

(lock jangling)

You see it?

- [Driver] No, you?

- No, you.

Oh, did you?

Shit, it's not here.

Blast!

(sighs) Hello, it's us.

Yeah, we can't retrieve the item.

Yeah, will do.

- Well, they want us to bring him in?

- Just get some answers out of him.

- Answers?

They don't want us to, you know,

rough him up a bit or?

- I guess we could if that's what you want.

- (sighs) Well, you know,

I'm in a bit of a roughy-uppy mood, you know?

- Isn't that sweet.

Come on then.

- Do you wanna hear a joke, right?

- Hello no.

- No no no, listen to this:

This bloke gets back from the pub,

his wife's there in the front room,

suitcase fully packed, he's like,

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

She says, "Vegas.

"I've heard you can get 400 bucks out there

just for giving a blowie.

Well, I might aw well get paid

for what I do to you for free!"

He runs upstairs, comes back down with his suitcase.

She's like, "Where do you think you're going?"

He goes, "I'm coming with you.

"I wanna see how you survive on 800 bucks a year."

(laughs) - Real funny, bro.

- [Awesome] Ah, cheers, mate.

- [Dave] Real funny.

- Hey, what are you doing, mate?

(groaning)

- Oh, man!

My favourite oranges.

(groaning)

Damn!

The shoes on the bed, bro! - Yeah, alright alright!

What the hell?

- Where did you get this book?

- I found it.

- Where did you get it?

- You're spitting on me.

- Where did you get it?

- I've had it for ten years.

- Where?

- Found it round the back of some rubble

near an old blown up nuclear reactor.

- Damn, guys, we just want to find out who would win.

- Yeah, we know, we saw your internet post.

You can't spread this online without us finding out.

- And who is us?

- MI-10.

- Isn't it five?

- Yeah, I swear James Bond was six.

- Yeah, man. - And so what happened

to seven, eight, nine? - Those other numbers.

- Yeah?

Well, we're 10, okay?

So, that's double the amount of secret shit we know!

- (groans) Just control your saliva!

- This book has been government property

for the past three billion years.

Where is this reactor?

- Billion?

People didn't exist three billion years ago.

I don't think so, no way.

- Look, this is very important.

Life and/or death important.

- So, this is for real?

- What do you mean?

- No way?

There's no way there's ten duck-sized cows

and a cow-sized duck.

- We're not at liberty do divulge

that information at this time.

- Holy shit! - Slap my fro.

- I think it's time to go before further information

is revealed. - What about them?

- They're no ones.

They're not gonna say anything.

- Hey!

We are not no ones.

We are Captain Awesome and Dave.

And we will find the truth.

Without you, without the book.

We'll conduct our own investigations

and we will tell the world.

Whoa whoa!

I mean, we'll just keep it to ourselves!

- [Driver] See you later, kids.

- [Dave] Yeah, bye.

- Laters. - Love to the family.

- Well, that was eventful.

- At least they didn't kill us, huh?

- True that.

Oh, shit!

- What?

- Yeah, I might have left the rest of that

in the book.

- Oh, dammit!

How'd you leave it in the scribblin'?

Right on.

- Fuck.

We're gonna have to go get that, aren't we?

- Hey, guys!

You wanna hear some joke?

- Yeah, sure.

- Hey hey, that's the spirit.

Come on come on come on, here we go.

Here we go here we go.

Alright, so a husband comes back to the plantation

to find his wife in the living room

with a suitcase packed to, shit,

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

The husband says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas.

"I heard you can earn some 400 bucks

"for some blow job there and I figured, shit,

"I might as well earn the dough

"to what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment.

Goes upstairs, comes back down with a suitcase packed, shit.

"Where the hell do you think you going?" The mom says.

"I'm going with you.

"I wanna find out how you survive on $800 some year."

(laughing)

Slap my fro right on.

Yeah, that's right. (laughing)

- Thanks, now we can drive with happy thoughts.

- Hey, no problem.

Do come again.

- Oh, no, hey, I hear the food here is fantastic so.

- Hey, have the chicken with chorizo, it's exquisite.

- [Driver] Okay.

- Good luck with your future endeavours.

- [Dave] You too, my man.

- That's good, that's really good.

(laughing)

- Do you think Theresa May smokes week?

- (laughs) Mate, for sure she smokes that shit.

She's been Chonging it since birth.

Though, she was tugging on the umbilical cord, blazing up.

You know, the reason that Hillary didn't win the US, right?

Because people didn't like the idea

of her, Merkel, and May, sitting around,

toking on the cherry.

- For real? - For certain for real.

Do you know, the world is actually run by one person, yeah?

And no one knows who it is.

You know the Wizard of Oz was written about that?

- No way. - Yes way, Dave.

Yes way.

You don't think we're like,

underachievers, do you?

- No.

Shit, we're proper waiting for the right time.

It's what it is.

- We will solve that mystery.

- I know.

- We will achieve something great.

- I know.

- We will be kings.

- Alright.

- Oh, baby, imagine us.

- It would be cute.

- Up there in our throne room.

Giant beach chairs like,

Game of Thrones but it'd be like a big dope leaf, yeah?

(laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)