Original subtitles

(uptempo music)

- All right?

- Yeah.

Good.

- Good.

(horn honks)

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- Is he seriously here again, Cass?

I mean, what the fuck?

Doesn't he ever bother you at home?

- All the time.

I mean, why do you think I stay here a lot?

(horn honks)

- 'Cause you hate your family and you can't

be asked if you're going home?

- Well, yeah, there's that,

but at least here I can pretend I'm working.

- You're not working today?

- Nope.

- Fuck.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Means you're gonna bother me all day, doesn't it?

- No.

'Course I won't.

(horn honking)

Ah, fucking hell.

Oh, you little prick.

He wants to honk that horn at me again, does he, right?

How many times, how many times have I told you?

You're gonna get me fired.

You hear that, fired!

- Hey shorty, how's it going?

- Why are you here?

- Well, I spoke to your mums.

She says come and pick you up.

- Oh yeah?

What else she saying?

- She made a fruitcake.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- With raisins?

- With raisins.

- Typical, she knows I fucking hate raisins.

- All I know is she said, "Oh, I haven't seen her

in about a month, go and pick her up."

- Yeah, well, I just worked late last night is all,

and there was a spare room free.

- Oh, you should have told me.

I'd have come over.

- Have you come all this way to tell me that?

- Oh, look.

I don't wanna be fighting all the time, woman.

(breathing heavily)

- Look, you know how much I want to get into

dog talking school.

You know how much it means to me.

Why are you fighting it?

- 'Cause then if you get accepted,

you'll move to London, isn't it?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I hate London.

It's full of smelly people and people

who know what they want.

And if you're here, I can be making out with you and things.

- Well, that's all very romantic and everything

but we've only been dating for like, four months.

I mean, it's hardly something to get too caught up by.

Plus, look at this.

You can go out.

Hit up some chicks, make them do all kinds

of chicken broth to you and things.

Not like little old me who just stays here

all the time and works here all the time.

It's the most boring person in the world.

Oh, come on.

You need crazy, yeah?

Yeah, sometime to be like, hey let's go to France

and you're like, no I don't wanna do France

and then they're like, no, no,

we should definitely go to France

and then when you ask why they're all like,

oh, I dunno, should we like adventure and things?

Do you hear what I'm saying?

- I can't work out if you're asking me to go to France

or breaking up with me.

- You got all of that from that?

- I gotta decode everything you say, woman.

- Oh, well that's nice of you, yeah.

Just insult me but then tell you still wanna be together.

- This is crazy.

- Crazy?

No, no, no.

Did you not just hear a word I said?

Yeah, I'm sane.

You see, I am going to dog talking school.

Not France, I am going to London, not Paris.

I don't need all this shit that you bring up on my doorstep.

- Fine!

- Fine!

You piece of shit, fuck. - Right.

Yeah!

Oh, I should've slammed that from the inside, really.

That was silly.

- What happened?

- Another argument.

- Well done.

- Thanks.

I think it's over.

- Did you even like him in the first place?

- Eh, not particularly.

I mean, I think I just liked having him around.

- Like a labrador.

- Precisely.

He's a labrador.

- Hi, do you know if they found my replacement yet?

My cousin Tina's looking for a job.

- Afraid not, sorry.

- Thanks.

- Uh, are we not looking for staff?

I'm sure we were.

- I'm not having another hen in this hound.

We rule this place.

We're the dressing.

- What?

- You heard me.

- No, you're gonna have to explain on that one.

- Well, I mean, it's like...

Okay, so imagine this restaurant as huge plate of salad.

- (chuckles) What? Never filling? Boring? Green?

- Shut up a sec.

- Perfect on the side of something else.

- Cass!

Well, you've got chef who's the leaves.

George is the croutons.

- Oh, love a crouton.

- Captain and Dave are the seasoning.

- Why aren't we the seasoning?

- Ugh, shut up.

The new caprise is the fancy garnish you take off

before you eat it.

Because, let's face it, what's the point?

- Mm, valid.

- Leaving me and you as the salad dressing.

We're the reason people eat the salad.

We're the reason the salad tastes so damn good.

(chuckles)

- What, and you can't have more than two people

as the salad dressing?

- Of course you can, don't be crazy.

- Hm.

Hang on, wait up!

- Did you not get the hint when I left the conversation

and came into a quiet room that I needed time to study?

- Do you think I've made a mistake?

- Cass, seriously.

I have the politics exam in three days.

- Yeah, you're right, you're right.

I should give this whole separation type thing a go.

You know, he might enjoy it.

He might move on.

- You said you dumped him.

- Yeah. Yeah, I did.

- So, why would you see how things go?

Surely this is it, move on and shit.

- Mh, yeah you're right.

Whatcha doing?

- Well, I took the day off to study

and I brought my shit here because mom's

precious little monster is screaming the place down.

So, I kind of need some peace and quiet.

- Ah.

What are you studying?

- Politics.

Like I said about a minute ago.

- Huh, do you want a hand?

- No.

- Okay, bye.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

(ringing continues)

Hello?

Oh, fuck.

(ringing continues)

Hello?

- Hi, is this Cassandra?

- It is, who's this?

- I'm calling from Pain in the Ass UPI Claims.

How are you today?

- How am I feeling?

Well, I'm actually quite stressed out at the moment.

You see, I've been dating this guy for a few months right?

But, he's been a bit of a dick.

Keeps just turning up and being all needy.

You see, I'm waiting to hear back from Deedar.

It's this dog talking school up in London,

but this boy is so adamant that I'm not gonna get in

and that I've got to stay here in nowhere land

and never fulfil my dreams.

It's like yeah, what the fuck?

I mean, what do you think?

- Well, I - Cause at the end of the day,

If he doesn't understand, then he doesn't understand.

It's just like, why doesn't he get it?

You know, I let him train and work hard

as a tree surgeon didn't I?

I accepted that he was into medicine.

Why can't he do the same for me?

(sighs) and what's worse is I really think I fancy him.

Well, duh. Of course I do.

Otherwise I wouldn't be dating him, would I?

He is well fit which is so frustrating.

If I didn't think he was fit then I be in a relationship

where I don't even fancy the other guy.

I mean, what do they even call that?

- Marriage.

- Exactly.

And I'm not married.

So therefore, ergo, do to do,

I've got to break up with him.

Unless I already have.

Oh my God, I think I've broken up with him.

So yeah, that's good.

Yeah, no, I'm happy about that.

I've just got to move on.

- So, have you had any--

- And I know what your thinking, yeah.

Now that I'm single it gives that Reed

or whatever his name is a shot.

But, I think I need to be on my own for a bit.

I need to really find myself.

Figure out what I want from life, you know?

Otherwise, I'm just searching and searching

for something that doesn't even exist.

I mean, what do you recon?

(dial tone)

Hello?

Hello?

Ugh, rude bastard.

- Cassandra, I'm sorry.

- Bug off.

- I can change.

Fine.

Well you're giving up on all of this.

- What is with all the noise?

- Well, he's officially gone now.

- Thank fuck for that.

He's a fucking idiot and you're an idiot.

It's best that you don't breed.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- But, how am I gonna move on now?

- Right, okay.

If this will end it once and for all,

then I know what we can do.

- Yeah, go on.

- Grab all the shit you've got of his.

- What, my box?

(rap music plays)

(gun fires)

(breathing heavily)

- The gun was a bit excessive.

- Yeah, I don't even know what came over me.

- Where'd you get a gun from?

- I'm not entirely sure.

Huh.

- You do realise we've got to tidy up this shit now, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, that sucks.

- Oh my God, Corby's in this photo.

Remember Corby?

- (laughs) Yes, didn't he get fired for grabbing your bum?

- Yes.

Yes he did.

After I slapped him.

- Yeah, and then he went out with that Sandra.

Ugh, she got thin so quick.

I always wanted her diet.

- She was anorexic.

- Oh.

Fuck this.

So, come on.

What's your plan for the rest of the day?

- Well I'm going back to studying.

So, you could do whatever the fuck you want.

- Huh.

- I saw chef's dog roaming before.

- Yeah?

- Maybe you should-- - Talk to each other.

You know, we can at least try and talk to each other.

Okay, so I've got to do what the books tell me.

I've got to stay calm, collected, and annunciate

every word.

Okay? Okay.

(takes a deep breath)

My name is Cassandra.

What is your name?

(dog panting)

What is your name?

What...is...your name?

What is your name?

Oh my fucking God.

He won't even tell me his name.

- That's okay, I was finished studying anyways.

- I mean, I don't understand.

I've done everything that the book told me to do.

I remained focused, I kept calm, equalised my ears,

and he still won't tell me his fucking name.

- Yeah, but you know his name, it's Max.

- Yeah, but I know that you know my name,

but if you asked me I'd still tell you.

- But he's a dog, Cass.

They do things differently.

- What, so you think I should find a dog

that knows I don't know their name and then they tell me?

- Yeah, or ask Max a question he doesn't know

you know the answer to.

- Ah. Interesting.

- Now, can you go?

- Hopefully, at school they'll teach me how to

ask questions that they know I know, you know?

- Whatever gets you to leave the room.

- Okay, bye!

Ugh, fucking hell, look who's back!

- Oh, don't mind us.

Yeah, we're just here for the old wetting of the whistle

then we'll be going.

- Well, that was quick.

- Well, you know me. (chuckles)

- Yeah, quick.

A little too quick.

- Ha Ha, funny.

Anyways, this is-- - Dizzy, I'm Dizzy.

- Oh, is that your actual name is that?

- Yeah, I just told you that.

- This is Dizzy.

- So, your point is?

- That we are here for a drink.

- Oh, no shit Sherlock, you're in a pub.

- Yeah, well you know what I drink so chop chop.

- We don't serve WKD Blues.

- I'll have a Guinness.

- How about one of our new bitters?

- Yeah, fine whatever.

- Oh, I love your coat by the way.

Where'd you get it?

- Oh, Portabella Market.

- No way?

- Yeah, it wasn't expensive either.

- Oh my God, when are you next going?

- Well, I was thinking about going next Saturday actually.

Do you want to come?

- Yes! I need some new threads.

- Oh, come on!

- What?

- You're supposed to hate her.

- We both know what you're trying to do.

At least I get a free drink out of it

and now a new market scavenging buddy.

- Ugh.

- So, come on, where did you two lovebirds meet?

- Well, she saw me down at the shops and was like,

"Oh, he's so fit, definitely having some of that action."

She was like, "He's so hot I can't even control myself."

- Where does anyone meet these days?

- Tinder.

- Ah, she was like, "Aye, I want a slice of that salami."

- Sadly, although it seems to be filled with--

- Dickheads?

- Obviously.

- Yeah, I feel your pain.

- Oh, he says he's a lawyer but I'm guessing he's lying.

- Oh, she was like, "Yeah" and then I was like,

"Yeah, and you want the pepperoni too, eh?"

- No, no, not a lawyer.

But he is in medicine.

- Oh, I'm guessing tree surgeon?

- Correct.

- And then I was like...

- Do you know what, what are you even talking about?

- Oh, for cocks sake Cass, why aren't you jealous?

- Am I supposed to be?

- Yes, we had four months together of wicked beu time

and now you're acting like you just don't care?

- Right, listen, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I though I liked you.

I thought you were fit and I thought I liked you

but it turns out that I just liked having you around.

- Oh, like a labrador?

- Yes, exactly.

- Oh, come on, you like me.

- Do you know what, believe what you want.

- Sal, Sal, tell her she liked me.

- I seriously don't care, I just came in for some water.

- Thank you.

- Come on, tell her our time together was magical.

It was like being in Disneyland.

- Oh my God, will you just go and eat a dick?

- What?

- Stop being so moan-y?

Why do people have to talk about their feelings

all the time?

Moan about this, moan about that.

I'm worries, I'm anxious, I'm sensitive, I'm scared,

grow a fucking pair of fucking balls.

Stop being so addicted to social media,

stop crying every time you don't get 1,000 likes,

stop looking at models thinking that could be you,

grow the fuck up and get on with life.

Dude, she doesn't like you.

She never did.

Yes, you're fit but the only reason she went out with you

is because she was bored.

When really all she could've done was taken

chef's dog for a walk because that's all you are mate.

A fucking labrador.

- What, laradors?

- And Cass, stop wondering if you've made a mistake or not.

You didn't.

Stop worrying about being lonely, move on.

You're hopefully going to London in the new year

so focus on that.

There's gonna be loads of new and exciting people

you can be mental to.

Don't be scared, embrace the change.

Jesus Christ, why are people such little bitches these days?

- Right, well after that clear revelation.

Oh, I'll call you about Saturday.

- Yeah, just call the Pub phone.

- No, no, no, no, no, we're staying.

- You're an idiot.

- Do you see what you've done now, yeah?

- Yeah, fine, we're going.

- Oh yeah, because you definitely made that decision

didn't you?

- Dizzy? Dizzy?

- (mocking voice) Dizzy! Dizzy!

Shit.

Ugh!

What's tickled your tiger?

- Cass, I'm trying to tell you I love you,

you're like a sister to me, but I'm trying to study.

Believe it or not I don't want to be here

for the rest of my life and I want to get in first at uni.

When I came in for some moral support,

you still ranted on about the same shit as earlier.

We did the cleanse, cleansed your soul.

Let it be dead.

- Oh my God, you're right.

You're right, I've been a shit friend to you.

Look, don't worry,

I am gonna be there for you like you were for me.

- Please let me do this.

- Okay.

(rhythmic tapping)

- What the fuck?

- What?

- You're being annoying.

- In a cute way, no?

- No, not in a cute way!

In an annoying, irritating, I'm gonna stab you

in the eye with this highlighter annoying.

- Oh my God, that is annoying.

I'm sorry, alright, I'm sorry.

(sighs)

Have you ever thought about having sex with a giraffe?

- Get the fuck out!

- Alright, alright, just calm down.

Calm down, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Now, come on, you should be studying.

(upbeat music plays)