Original subtitles

(piano music)

- [Reese Voice Over] Hang on, that's not right.

That's better.

I know what you're thinking, damn, that guy is hot!

Okay, maybe not.

You're probably thinking,

is he really gonna do voice over for this whole thing?

Maybe, I dunno yet, haven't decided,

but I think for now it'll be easier

for you to understand if I just tell you

instead of thinking up some

ultra complex way of visually doing it

like in all the hot shot movies.

So that guy in front of me he's,

(chiming music)

Actually. I'm gonna start a bit before this.

How cool was that star wipe?!

Get me Lucas on the blower!

I'm on my way to Hollywood!

Anyway that's me, my name's Kyle Reese.

I was named after a time traveller,

mum gave birth in the cinema

whilst watching a re-run

of some eighties thingy mc-film.

(trumpet music)

Ordinarily I'd cut to the cinema to show you what happened,

but I was a baby, I don't remember it.

Also I think women shit themselves whilst giving birth,

in which case I don't want to see myself

flopping out into a pile of my mum's chocolate loaf.

Oh wait, check this out.

Impressive, huh?

Yeah, well that's not mine.

That one is.

Not fantastic is it?

Well we haven't much dough

and Daddy dearest decided his twenty year old chica

was his family now,

So he buggered off.

Boo hoo, right?

But yeah, this is why I gotta find rent

to help out the old lady, and job hunting is hard!

- I'm hard working and eager

to learn the importance of social economic structure.

I'm a team player,

I can work hard in a group

and I want nothing more

than to become the best me I can be.

I am but just a mere mortal

looking for my place in this world,

looking for my chance to join this wonderful...

recruitment firm?

- [Reese Voice Over] So yes, I gotta find a job because

my mom's career as a freelance banjo maker

isn't the most financially stable.

Yes, I'm a slob, and haven't showered for...

nearly a week?

But now, I think it's time to feed my belly,

and hopefully get paid for it.

(whooshing transition)

Yeya, another star wipe!

Don't worry I won't all the time,

just love Star Wars.

Actually, come to think about it

there were no star wipes in Star Wars,

just random wipes.

I've made myself look like a bit like a tit now.

- [Chef] So why might you wish to join us boy?

- [Reese Voice Over] This is Chef.

I don't know him yet so I can't tell you what he's like

but I'm sure as the story unfolds,

you and I will find out together.

- Because under a head chef

such as yourself who is just an inspiration,

I can learn to fulfil my ultimate potential.

- [Chef] No, honestly.

- Um, because it's close to my house,

I can't drive yet so I have to ride my bicycle, and

I need to start paying rent

and I'm hungry.

- [Chef] Have you worked with cuisine before?

- Well I like eating!

(cereal crunching)

And I like to be creative, and experiment with food.

(pot sizzling)

So, you know, I thought it must be my destiny,

my fate of a career.

- [Chef] Alright, only because my last mug cried last night.

Two month trial period, basic mooler.

You look good, you have a full time mug.

Deal?

- Is this like a coffee mug

or are you using the word for another meaning,

like a metaphor?

- [Chef] Just so we're clear.

We're not friends.

- I welcome the honesty.

- Oh and you have to start now.

(boisterous jazz music)

- [Reese Voice Over] So now I'm pretty hungry,

I was gonna get a sandwich on the way home,

but oh well.

I love the breakfast sandwich.

You know the one at all the petrol stations

that's like filled with calories but is awesome,

like bacon, sausage, egg, and ketchup.

In a sandwich!

Immense.

I'm only just meeting this guy,

his name is--

- George.

- [Reese Voice Over] Right, his name's George!

- [Chef] We got a new fish.

- [Reese Voice Over] See how we're

discovering this stuff together?

- What do you want me to do with him?

- Show the mug around, fuckin' 'ell,

what more do you think I want you to do?

Stick 'im in the freezer?

- That's what you asked last time.

You gonna cause any problems?

- Try best not to?

Don't smoke.

- Good luck with that.

- So is the job hard then?

(George chuckling)

I'll take that as a yes.

- Right, so.

- Whoa whoa hey, gorgeous G-O out there son,

smell my fingers.

(sniffing)

Go on son.

- I'm alright, ta.

- Nice little jailbait last night,

she was gushing out all over my sheets.

I had to wash 'em twice!

- Oh, your mum must be so proud.

- Eh!

Right little snatch weren't it, hah!

- What's the matter kid?

- A bit graphic.

Don't really like swearin'.

- You'll get used to the tang talk, come on.

(big band music)

Oi, turn that shit off.

Reese, this is Captain Awesome,

and Dave.

- 'Ey, how's you doin?

I'm Dave, I'm the sauce chef,

which means I'm in charge of all the cookin' the meats,

and most the sauces.

It's bad to meet 'cha, please don't fuck shit.

You fuck shit, and I'm gonna spend a long time tryin'

to kill your ass.

- Yes, I'm good thanks.

- Hey!

- Ignore him, he's some mental from random-akistan.

We reckon he's killed at least seven people,

and that's just in this country.

His name's somethin' we can't pronounce

so we just call him Tom.

- Awesome.

- Yeah?

- No, didn't mean you.

- Prick.

- What are these?

- Oh, nice innit?

- You gonna shag it or something?

- No, but look.

(Awesome blubbering)

Practise makes perfect, innit?

- [Reese] Surely that can't be sanitary?

(farting noise)

(Captain Awesome moaning)

- You're not sanitary.

- Excellent.

- [Reese Voice Over] Right, so I've entered

into bizzaro world.

One's looking like he's gonna kill me,

one has no name,

and the other speaks as though he's still in the seventies.

And I'm still desperate for a breakfast sandwich!

I can't be arsed with this place,

it's proper toilet.

(sultry music)

- You right guys?

Hi.

Okay.

Bit weird.

So, anyway.

- [Reese Voice Over] Yep. Handled that well.

- Yeah good luck.

I'll batter my dick, stick it in the fryer,

and serve it to you with chips if that happens.

- Who is she?

- Cassandra, she's some hot shot dog talker or some shit,

I dunno.

Right, do you wanna get a jacket on

and start peeling some shit or some shit?

We got about two hours till we start serving a bunch

so you know what I mean?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

(whooshing wipe)

(peeler clicking)

(meat smacking)

- What's up big man?

You want some?

I'm sorry, what?

I can't hear you player!

- Cap?

What's this for?

Big sauce,

need a lamb one for tonight don't we.

Chef loves his lamb sauce.

Plus these slices go with it on the side dun it.

- 10 small tings.

- That's risky, there aren't.

- What's this?

- Who'd you rather fight, right?

One cow sized duck, or 10 duck sized cows?

With knives.

Something to think about.

- Reese, grab a bottle of port from the basement?

- Yeah, okay, where's that?

- It's hardly gonna be on the roof, is it?

- Could just said the cellar.

That's a lot of booze.

- They're not that big on stealing here though.

- No, sorry, I didn't mean I was...

What's with the crossword book?

- It's like, why the hell is he moaning?

I mean this is my life, you know?

The thing that I've wanted since I was like 10.

I mean what is so difficult to understand,

that this is all I think about?

- I'm trying to find a

bottle of port.

- I know, I know, I should just not give a shit,

but it's just infuriating.

I mean you try to explain to someone

that something's a possibility

and they don't even care.

I haven't even gotten into dog talking school yet,

surely this is a conversation we should be havin'

at a later date, y'know, once accepted?

I reckon you're right though,

I need to just not worry about it and just

let it go and all that.

Second to the left.

Oh, so you are able to talk then?

- I know you don't know me, but y'know,

you need to talk to somebody then--

- It just relaxes me.

Y'know I can really zone out, you know?

- What's that?

- The crossword book of course.

Don't even worry about it,

because I'm gonna take your advice

and just not give a shit.

- Okay, just uh, exit on the port side, then shall I?

- [Reese Voice Over] Yeah, okay, that joke was awful.

(snazzy jazz music)

And so what if I want to punch above my weight.

Right, it's time for me to make Chef proud

of my awesome cooking skills.

Gonna be pouring this port like a pro!

Also where is everyone?

Do we have some sort of break time

that no one told me about?

You know, I wonder if Cassandra's the kind of person

who would enjoy skipping with me with John Barnes masks on?

That would be the dream.

So naturally, I'm having a bit of a fantasy.

(chiming transition)

(birds chirping)

- What the fuck is this shit?

- Port?

- How do you spell port?

- I just--

- Failure!

I need not see your face you fuckin' idiot!

(distorted) I chose you

piss off!

You insolent

young

shepard!

You have no place here!

Disappear!

I need not see your face, ever again!

You hear me?

You are no longer required here!

Disappear!

I need not to see your face,

you facking.

(Reese growling)

- What's up kid?

- Chef kicked me out.

- What happened?

- He acted like I killed someone!

- Go on.

- I should have killed someone.

(Reese screaming)

(knife slicing)

- You want my advice just get back in there.

It's Saturday night, and he needs someone on the salads.

He's alright once you get to know him,

he's just, got a few problems.

(dubstep music)

Shit.

- [Chef] Order and away!

Two panchettas followed by two medium rare ribeye,

hold hollandaise, au jus sauce instead!

Where might that kid be?

- [George] You sent him outside.

- Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

Can you make some salads please?

Put it in a bowl, take some dressing,

use a side plate, place on top,

bring it to me.

Understood?

- Aye aye sir!

- Get on with it!

- [Sal] Table four said it was too dry.

- Oh, why must I waste my time with these heathens!

I fear that my greatness has been challenged!

Tell them to fuck off.

(classy piano music)

- The chef apologises sincerely,

and hopes that this is gonna be more to your satisfaction.

Can I get you anything else?

More wine, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah no what's the world today.

(glasses shattering)

(men yelling)

- [Cass] Thank you!

Thank you,

we're here all night.

- [Chef] Dave, I wanted that chicken

(dubstep music)

at some point today!

All I got here is a headache!

- [Dave] Sorry Chef!

- [Chef] Boy! Asparagus salad I called 10 minutes ago.

What are you doing back there?

- Cap I need two of those steak vaginas now!

On order and away.

Four chicken soups, three goats cheese salads,

followed by three fillet medium rare one rare.

Three stuffed chicken breast, one thai salad,

and a partridge in a pear tree!

- Oui chef!

- Reese!

- Uh, oui chef!

- You guys got a dust pan and brush in here?

- Uh, suck my dick bitch!

(men laughing)

- Forgot my tweezers.

Tom do have you got a dustpan brush?

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Not quite what I asked for.

- Reese how many more times?

Asparagus fucking salad!

Move away from there you're wasting my time you cretin.

- Yes, but oh my God...

I can't see you tonight.

Look, if I see you, then I wanna stay.

Oh come on, you know I could pick you up.

I'm at work.

Yes, and look,

look we'll talk about this later.

Yes!

Yeah alright.

(Reese exhales)

What's tickled your tiger?

- You gave me red wine for the lamb sauce.

(Cassandra wincing)

- Oh, that couldn't have gone down well.

- Nope.

Is it really this hard?

All I can hear is screaming, I messed up once,

and I feel like crap.

- You need to take some of your own advice,

and just not give a shit.

Plus, if you think about it, the more you mess up

the more you just won't care.

Its like this time I got a goldfish, right,

and it died.

So I just kept gettin' more and more fish

but they all just kept dying.

I had no idea why until I found out

you meant to feed them every day as opposed to every week.

I was like sorry!

Y'know the pet shop fella didn't tell me

so how I am I supposed to know?

And, this was before the internet,

so I could hardly look it up on there.

Then my sister's all like, oh you should've asked me!

I was like sorry, I didn't realise my seven year old sister

knew more about it than I did.

Turns out she did in the end though.

You should have seen that tank, it was grim.

But apparently, you can get these fish

that like clean the tank themselves.

They like eatin' the mildew or something on the sides,

it's amazing.

Never did get one of those in the end though.

Probably should've now I think of it.

You see?

It's all just hindsight at the end of the day.

- Insightful.

- I'm here to help!

- [Reese Voice Over] Should've just

gone to the petrol station for that sandwich.

- What you doin' in here?

- Uh, Chef sent me to--

- You're hidin'.

- No.

- My first day, I spilt truffle oil

all over the floor.

Truffle oil is expensive.

The point is, he'll only have a go if you let 'im.

All you gotta do, is be fast,

and give him shit when he asks for it.

No one's expecting you to be the best chef in the world,

you've only just started mate!

You'll impress him by getting back in there

and being a man.

This is the army, this is war.

He asks you to leave, he's testin' you.

You stay, and get the job done.

Just man the fuck up,

you want Cassandra right?

Just prove to her you ain't no lay about,

bed ridden, action figure playing dickhead.

Eh?

(mellow music)

(cicadas and birds chirping)

- [Chef] Grab the pea shoots, back fridge second shelf.

- [Reese Voice Over] I guess all you have to do

is get on with your job.

You mess up, you mess up.

Just get on with it.

Starting to understand this malarky.

- Come on boy we can't wait all night,

and chop them up.

You know, with a knife, not a spoon.

- Why'd I chop it with a spoon?

- Because your stupidity overwhelms me.

- Awesome.

- Yeah?

Yeah they're only little.

- Nice one boy.

- But they got knives.

- Nah, that's stupid, they're cool.

You should be able to keep kickin' the ten duck sized cows,

but one cow sized duck.

Slap my fro, ducks are stupid.

- True, true.

- [Awesome] I met a nice guy the other day,

we went to this rave basically,

they were doin' a rave,

- Hey! - at a nursery.

- Sorry!

- [Awe] Obviously the nursery was closed, but they did it.

We broke into it - Nursery yeah?

- [Awesome] in the evening, yeah, it was nice.

- [ Dave] Okay.

- [Awesome] He was quite sweet this guy,

he said he'd come to Denver.

- [Dave] There better be some good stuff.

- [Awesome] Yeah.

- [Dave] I don't want none of that

cracky lacky packy packy baby.

- [Awesome] It's like a fine way to do it, so yeah.

You alright for that, as a pack a couple gamblin' for that,

Yeah man. - Yeah,

totally down for that my brother.

- Ten strikes and I'm dead then?

- [Awesome] Alright, he's not coming back.

Should we just call it?

- [Dave] Yeah let's go man.

- [Awesome] Let's go, alright.

- Alright. - I'm done with this.

- Careful, I think you're his type.

- [Reese] Actually--

- You're welcome.

- We're stopping for a beer.

- Yeah!

(whooshing transition)

- Beautiful hair Dave.

- It snatched some long time

to shape this beautiful masterpiece.

But what it is, ooh!

Mama, I'm glad ya' likes it.

- Still alive?

- [Reese] Yeah, just about.

- So, are you drinking

or are you just here to admire me all night.

- [Reese Voice Over] Dammit, she knows.

- Uh, pint of cider please.

- Cultural appropriation!

- What do you mean?

- Well you don't see me drinking a Virgin Mary, do you?

- [Reese] You know what.

- [George] Alright Cap watch your edge.

- [Awe] I was thinking about doing

a little bit of a change-up.

I wanna swap the chips for um, turnips.

- Sorry about earlier.

- [Awesome] That's something that we could do.

Turnip chips.

- [George] Yeah like, so you'd like chop them up,

you've only eaten like sweet potatoes fries,

so it's no use to make...

- So are you coming back then?

- Yeah!

I'm not a quitter.

- In at nine?

- Seems that way.

How do I find out my days off?

(people laughing)

I don't get it.

- You don't really get any.

- [Reese] What do you mean?

- Yup.

You'll get a day off if you're on the brink of dying,

you can't lift your limbs or you're in another country.

- I look forward to it.

Right, see you tomorrow then.

- Do want to try like, wumps and see.

- Bye.

- See you later tiger.

- [Reese Voice Over] So I guess that

went okay in the end, right?

Managed to shake this lazy lifestyle.

Yeah that's the point of this story,

did you not get that?

Maybe I should have said something at the beginning,

or put something in that suggested it.

Ah well, live and learn,

but hopefully you'll understand

that at the end of this six piece magical saga,

you'll see that through it all I can finally say,

well you're just gonna have to find that out.

Right, I'm gonna head to the petrol station

on the way home, finally get that sandwich.

- Oh fuck.

(whooshing transition)

- [Reese Voice Over] Yeah, star wipe!

Everyone loves a star wipe.

(jazz music)