All language subtitles for No Activity - 02x03 - Silent Night

Priority one. 1-5-1 in progress.

I repeat, 1-5-1
in progress.

We've got a code 7. I'm sending backup.

Car 72 responding.

We are heading south
along Tenement Avenue,

heading towards location.

Code 7. It's a priority 1.

Car 72, come in.

- Almost there.
- Nearly there, nearly there.

Use of deadly force is authorised.

- Straight through the lights.
- Yep, yep, yep.

Right, right, right.

Oh, God.

Left here. Left, left.
That's it. Left, left, left!

Where is he? Where is he?

Okay, I've got a visual on
the suspect, first floor.

Shh! Got a visual on the suspect.

Stokes, are you sure?

- I'm sure.
- We have the shot.

Take the shot.

Stokes, take the shot!

Pew! Pew!

- Head shot.
- Okay, end of drill.

- Yes!
- Yes.

- Nailed it.
- Whoo!

- How did we go?
- 17min 38sec response time.

- Not bad.
- Not bad.

Yeah, it's not great either.

Yeah, but we had all the
traffic at the Domain.

There was a Rock Eisteddfod on.

Lots of kids we had to try not to hit.

As long as you're happy with
it, that's the important thing.

- I'm happy with it.
- Me too.

- See you at the station.
- Thanks, boys. Thank you.

Good job.

There's a nice little pho
place around the corner.

- We just ate.
- Oh.

- And it's pronounced "fuh".
- What is?

Vietnamese soup. Is that
what you're talking about?

- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".

- There's a nice "fah" place...
- Nuh.

There's a nice "farh" place
around the corner.

- No.
- There's a nice "fah"...

- "Fuh".
- "Fah".

- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".

- Ask me.
- "Fah"?

Ask the whole thing.

- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No, no.

There's a nice "fah"
place around the corner.

- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No.

- There's a nice "fah"...
- No.

- Nice "furh"...
- Come on.

All right. Nice "furh"
place around the corner.

- Almost.
- Nice "furh" place.

- Almost.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.

- Again.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.

- Yeah?
- And it's "Cheap Tuesday".

- Okay, let's do it.
- All right.

Sync & corrections by susinz
resync by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com

Businessman Bernard Doolan
and his wife, Elizabeth,

have been reported
missing from their home.

We're currently investigating
the whereabouts of the Doolans.

At this stage, there is
a missing persons case.

But rest assured, we have some of
our finest detectives on the job.

This is such a waste of time.

I mean, they've... they
probably weren't even kidnapped.

Missing persons?

It's... ridiculous.

Even if they were kidnapped, as
if they're gonna walk back in here.

Bloody ridiculous.

I really should change
this profile picture.

Would you... would you try taking
a new profile pic for me, all right?

I'm just... This doe-eyed
hipster one thing doesn't...

I... I've ploughed that field.

Exhausted all the women in that market.

Did you just refer to
yourself as a hipster?

Yeah, it's just, like, the whole
little bad-boy thing going on there.

You mean your moustache? Is
that what you're talking about?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- THAT moustache?

- This one.
- That one?

Yeah. Don't touch it.

I don't see how that's hipster at
all. Why do you think it's hipster?

Well, it is, because I read
this funny thing the other day

about the 10 reasons you are a hipster.

- And number one...
- Yeah?

Number one is if you participate
in Movember all year round.

I do that.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- Do you?
- Yeah, it funny.

I've never known you to contribute
to research for testicular cancer.

Testicles? Why did you say that?

Because it's about donating money
to testicular cancer research.

- It's... it's not.
- Isn't it?

No, it's just about
growing a funny moustache

and wearing it around the office
and giving everyone a laugh.

Then you trim it down
towards the end of it.

See, this is the thing that kills me
about these fad charities.

- It's... it's...
- Did you say fag charities?

Sorry.

- Charities.
- Right.

Everybody forgets what the cause is

and it's just about
being zany in the office,

being a good ol' boy around the office.

It's about testicular cancer research.

Drop the zaniness,
just donate to AIDS research

because you're a decent person.

Yeah.

They've pretty much cured
that one, though, haven't they?

Pretty much not.

If I said to you "full-blown blah",
full-blown something,

what'd be the next word
you would think of?

- Full-blown...
- Dickhead.

- No. Full-blown...
- Fuck stick.

- No! Full-blown...
- Arse face.

- Full-blown AIDS!
- Right.

'Full-blown' doesn't go
with anything else.

There's three other things
I just thought of that go well.

I've never heard that
in the same phrase.

You'll hear them a bit more
from now on, I think.

Neddy
and that new bloke got the package?

Mate, safe and sound out west.

- Any heat?
- Nah, the cops are clueless.

- Just poking around the harbour.
- Okay.

Who's gonna notice that we're missing?

I have no idea, Elizabeth.

Someone from your office.

Fiona or Marcus, one of them.

- They'll... they'll clue in.
- No.

It wouldn't be someone from my office

because I work from home half the time,

I have several offices.

I think it would probably be, er,
Claudia when she comes on Thursday.

But we're never there.
We're never there on Thursday.

No, she'll notice
when she doesn't get paid, darling.

She's auto-paid, darling.

No, there's got to be someone else.

Um, er...

Oh, Grace!

- Who's Grace?
- Grace is my best friend.

- Grace is your best friend?
- My best friend.

Darling, I have never heard you
mention the name Grace

in the entire time I have known you.

Excuse me! Grace, I met her at
French cooking class last year.

- Oh, that woman.
- December.

- Grace.
- Oh, yes. The melted hobbit.

That's disgusting.

- Darling, she has...
- That is absolutely disgusting.

The worst work done on her face.

Darling, there's no need to lash out

because you don't have a best friend
and I do.

- I don't have a best friend?
- No, darling, you don't.

Really? Well, that is going to be
news to Elliot Gough.

Elliot Gough?

Yes, darling.

Elliot Gough, my best friend.

When was the last time
you saw Elliot Gough?

It doesn't matter how often
I see him, Elizabeth.

The point is he's my best friend.

Oh, really? He's your best friend?

Tell me, how many children does he have?

Oh! We're gonna do a quiz now, are we?

- He has three children, darling.
- And what are their names, darling?

Test me on the names.

You are... beyond...

William, Kate and Jack.

Oh, Jack? Jack?

- Yes, his youngest.
- Oh.

- Adorable little thing.
- Really?

So Elliot Gough has a son named Jack?

Yes.

So his name is Jack Gough, "Jack Off"?

- Oh...
- That's his name?

I'm sure they don't say it like that.

I think we can agree it won't be
Elliot Gough or his son, "Jack Off".

I'm not best friends
with his children, darling!

That would be weird.

If I was keeping track of the
children's names of all my friends...

"Ooh, what's your children's names?
What's your children's..."

"What's... Oh, what's his name?"

- You haven't spoken...
- I don't know his children's names!

- I don't need to know...
- to Elliot Gough since 1995!

What his children's names are for him...

Keep it quiet down there!

God, now they're angry.

- What did you do that for?
- You started it.

Yeah, keep it down!

Neddy, when do you reckon
the boss is gonna call me?

I don't know, mate.

That's what we're waiting for.

So when he calls, we're gonna
do the ransom call then, right?

- After he calls and lets us know?
- Mate, we don't do the ransom call.

What do you mean we
don't do the ransom call?

We don't do the ransom call.

We're the kidnappers,
we've done the kidnapping,

someone else does the ransom call.

- Who does the ransom call?
- I don't know.

I'm not the ransom call
guy, otherwise I'd know.

I'm the kidnapping guy.

I'm a really good ransom caller
as well, man. I'm really good.

Do you want to hear it?

- No.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll do it, you don't have to listen.

Why not just don't do it
and I won't have to listen?

Hello. Yes, I am the kidnapper.

I have your people
here. I will kill them.

You make a move. Ball
is on your court. Ta-ta.

What the fuck is with
that Indian accent?

Mate, that's it. That's
the logic of it all, right?

- Ta-ta?
- Like the English, colonial English.

Ta-ta. Right?

They're gonna know.

They're gonna not expect
it to be a Subcontinent guy.

They're gonna expect it to be a
white guy, right, doing an accent.

So, like, they're not
gonna think it's me.

They're gonna look at
me and they're gonna go,

"That guy doesn't sound Indian
or Sri Lankan. That guy..."

No, they're not. They're
gonna go, "It's an Indian guy."

They'll look at you, go,
"A fucking Indian guy."

Racist.

They don't give a
fuck if they're racist.

They'll go, "Here's an Indian
guy on the fucking phone."

"Here's an Indian guy
standing in front of me.

- "It's a fucking Indian guy."
- They're not gonna think it's me.

They'll go, "Mate, he
wouldn't be dumb enough"

"to put on an Indian
accent as an Indian."

You know what else? I'm
not Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.

So they've already fucked that up.

They'll be looking around going,
"Hmm, who would be stupid enough"

"to put on an Indian accent?"

A white bloke.

Thinking ahead.

Forward planning.

How would you do it?
You're gonna do a call. How?

I wouldn't do it.

- Yeah, but if you had to.
- I don't have to.

But just imagine!

I wouldn't do a stupid
fucking Indian accent!

Right, then, how would you do it?

It's not even intimidating.
You do an intimidating accent.

Come on, just show me
how you would do it.

How would you scare me?
How would you intimidate me?

Give me the fucking... I'm
gonna fucking do it now!

They're gonna fucking die!
I'll fucking kill them!

Mate, if I got that call, I'd be scared.

But I wouldn't know
what I was scared about.

- Anything turn up?
- Negative.

Yes, I'm on the phone to him now, Lachy.

He's my boyfriend and you're my son.

I'm not taking sides.

Hang on. Just hang on a minute.

It's Lachy on the other phone.

He's... he's denying it.

So I... I don't know.
It's just a mystery.

I... Well, hey, you can...

You're both just gonna have
to wait until I get home

if you can't sort it out yourselves.

Beau and Lachy again?

Yeah.

Just standard World War III.

- Oh, standard.
- Yeah.

Well, this time Beau thinks Lachy
has done a turd in his work boot.

- So...
- Okay.

There's obviously a turd in there.

Lachy knows nothing about it.

Beau thinks it's
definitely Lachy's done it.

And we don't even know
if it's a human turd.

It could be a dog turd.

We've had one good week

in the two months he's been
living with us, I reckon.

You know, we had the incident with
the sticky stuff in the toolbox

and then the hair in the sandwich.

- The pubic hair?
- We don't know it was pubic hair.

Okay, yeah. Sorry, that's right.

- They just can't get along.
- Yeah.

Now I'm just caught
between Beau, my beau Beau,

you know, Lachy, and
the turd in the boot.

You could always just
take a bit down to the lab

and find out whose it is.

Oh, what? So I'll knock off
tonight and then go home.

And, you know, instead
of, like, just, you know,

putting the bag down and having
a glass of wine or something and...

No, no, no!

I'll go to the work boot,
get a bit of the turd out,

put it in a Ziploc bag
and run it down to the lab.

That's... that sounds like
a top night, that does.

That's a brilliant idea.

Well, it was just an idea.

Yeah. Would...

It would probably put a bit of closure

on the mystery, though, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

And they do owe me a favour,
those boys at the lab.

Can you hang on a minute?

Yeah, have you still got it?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't touch it. Just leave it.

Maybe we should just
do my profile picture,

you know, and get my gun.

- Oh, okay.
- All right.

Maybe I should, um...
Could I fire off a round?

- You reckon you could capture that?
- We're not gonna do that.

- Maybe a...
- Just hold it up.

You know, "The Deer Hunter" thing.

Yeah, what does he say
when the guy's slapping him?

"Dickidy tie! Dickidy tie!"

- "Dick in a tie?"
- No.

- Is that what you want to put?
- Er, "Titty mau! Titty mau!"

- "Titty mau"?
- Forget it.

You know, put it up in
front, like, James Bond style.

- Like that, eh?
- Close to your face.

Just a profile, profile. Sean Connery.

Lick it, lick it. Lick
the whole length of it.

- Lick the full shaft of it.
- No. I don't like...

- Okay, lose the gun.
- All right.

All right, let's just
go with the same idea.

You're a desperate...
you're a desperado.

You know, you're on the run
from the law. You're desperate.

You'll do anything.

You'll do anything.
You're desperate for...

You're desperate to find something.

You're hungry and you're begging.

You're a desperate...
desperate older man.

You're a desperate old
man begging for love.

You're a desperate old man
and you're begging love,

pathetically throwing yourself
on the mercy of some...

- Errr!
- Poor woman who is just...

Why would I do this? This is not
the image that I was going for.

I think that's it. That's good actually.

- I'm not gonna use that.
- No, that's it.

- Go back to the hipster one.
- No, this is much better.

- Why?
- Because it's you.

That's actually honest.

- That's not me.
- Yes, it is.

That's not me.

You don't recognise it, but it is you.

And that'll attract the women
you'll be most comfortable with.

- Which is not a bad idea.
- No, that's a good idea.

To find the perfect match.

You know, you might
not get a lot of hits.

- But the ones you get...
- Will matter.

- Will be ready to accept you...
- They'll stick.

- For what you are.
- All right.

This.

God, these things are so soft.

My mum's booties.

Wait.

What are they doing,
like, in this ransom house?

Like, did you bring them with you?

It's my mum's house.

This is your mum's house?

Yeah. Whose did you think it was?

I dunno. It feels like
some kind of ransom house.

Ransom house? How do
you get a ransom house?

Go up to a friend, say,
"Can we kidnap some people"

"and put 'em down in your house?"

Where's your mum?

Mum's gone.

Gee, sorry to hear that,
mate. When did she pass?

Hey?

When did your mum pass away?

Oh, she's not dead.

She's in a home.

Hardest thing I ever had to do.

The mind goes, doesn't it?

Oh, no, Mum's perfectly fine.

That... that made it harder.

Body? Like, she's in a wheelchair?

Like, arthritis? Just...

No, she's a health nut.

Still walks to work.

She walks to work?

Well, yeah.

I've got her car, so she has to.

Got, like, a little... little
job? Canteen or something?

No, she's full-time.

How old is she?

57.

She's in a home and she's 57?

Well, there's never a good time.

Well, think about it.

You think you want to put your mum

through this kind of
traumatic experience

when she's lost her marbles?

She won't even know
what the fuck's going on.

This way, you can actually sit down

and have a reasonable
conversation about it,

go, "Mum, you're going in the home."

So does she like it?
She's having a good time?

Well, none of them like it.

I don't know how to say this, but I
don't think she should be in a home.

We all make sacrifices, mate.

I've got to look after the house.

Got to look after her car.

That's life.

Car 72, please report.

- Car 72, please report.
- Yeah, nah, that's April.

- I'll take that.
- It doesn't...

Car 72, come in.

April, this is Detective
Stokes here, not Hendy.

So no need for concern.

I know things got a bit weird
between you there, so it's okay,

if you have any future correspondence
you can deal directly with me.

Er, er... this... this is Hendy.

Car 72. No activity.

Thank you. Copy that.

Oh, Jesus.

- What's going on there?
- Oh, it's just... it's awkward.

Oh, sounds awkward.

What... what happened?

April and I had a little
misfire, as you remember.

After that, we got back in touch,

kind of started seeing each
other, really casual, right?

And my car was in the
shop and he'd just texted,

and I remembered he had the
four-wheel drive, and so...

She goes,
"Hey, my family's got a coast house.

- "Wanna come away for the weekend?"
- "So I can have a lift."

So I can get a lift, totally.

We get there, right,
on the Friday night,

whole family's there.

Ooh.

Anyway, the next morning we went
for a swim in this creek nearby.

And we get there, we all take
our clothes off, jump in.

- We're just splashing around...
- What, just nude?

- having a nice time.
- The whole family, nude?

Yeah.

- Completely nude.
- Oh, God!

- Middle of the day?
- Mate, it was bright summer.

Bri... Like, there was no shade.
Everything was in HD.

- I just couldn't...
- Ohhh!

It was like, "Oh, God!"

So it was, like, a nudie area?

No, it wasn't a nudist area.

This other family nearby

sees what's going on,
pack up their stuff, leave.

And then we started
the water Olympics that we do,

which is so fun, we got, like, um...

- That's in the nude too?
- Yeah. It's all in the nude.

And they're all like, "Come on, Hendy!"

"Take your swimmers off!
Come on! It's fun!"

- No!
- No.

The dad comes up behind me,
completely dacks me

and smacks me on the arse.

- Ooh!
- It was hysterical.

Fuck, it was funny.
But he got right into it.

And then, you know, you have
handstand competitions, tunnel ball.

We're up on the bank playing tunnel
ball, Granddad's right in front of me.

- You're at the back.
- Oh, God!

Just looking right up the tunnel.

We all took turns
looking at each other's bits.

- It was abuse.
- Hmm.

We got, like, piggyback wrestling,
and I'm on my dad's shoulders

and Mum's on Hendy's shoulders.

- Oh, what was that like?
- Like a sodden taco.

Ohh.

We're all getting along,
and then I start to notice

that Hendy's just, like,
staring at something.

And I follow his eye line.

He's staring at my dad's dick.

Staring at your dad's dick?

Staring at my dad's dick.

At some point there we're playing
Marco Polo. "Marco! Polo!"

I'm like, "Fuck this.
I'm out of here." I leave.

- Fair enough.
- Back to the house.

"Meet you later, weird family."

Anyway, later, in the bedroom,
I sat him down.

I was like, "Can we just talk about
the elephant in the room here?"

And she's like, "Hey, Hendy,
I know today was a bit weird."

- Yes.
- "Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit weird."

"Thanks for saying so, April."
And she goes...

"Look, I know my dad's dick's
bigger than your dick"

"and it doesn't matter to me."

- Oh.
- Oh? Oh?

Yeah, now I understand
why it was so weird now.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That her dad's dick's bigger.
- No!

- That's weird.
- No, that's not the poi...

Did you hear everything
that I just said?

They were nude and forcing me
to be nude, and all the...

That's the weird thing.

But it was... bigger?

- He's not circumcised.
- Oh.

Interesting.

I didn't ask for that point
of, um, detail, but all the same...

The point is she's got
a weird family, she's the weird one.

This isn't about me or my dick.

And it actually just kind of
ruined the weekend.

After that, it was like,
"What's happened to him?"

- Like he just... shut down.
- Hmm.

I can understand why things are tense.

- But was it bigger?
- No further comment.

All right, all right.
Not even a little...

No.

Let's leave it at that.

- How about his balls?
- Lower.

- Yeah?
- They were lower.

- You'd see that.
- I did.

There's gonna be someone
who's gonna notice

or someone who's gonna, um...

- Silly how hard this is.
- Yeah, a little...

- Um, er... er...
- Oh.

No, no, no. I've got it.

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.

It's... it's, um...

- You don't have it.
- I do, I do.

- I've got it.
- Do you have it or not?

- Because otherwise I'll say one.
- Just give me a minute.

Just give me a second.

Um, it would be, um...

My brother, I haven't spoken to for...

God, years.

Er... Mmm.

It's moments like these you wish
you had parents who were alive.

- Um...
- My mother IS alive.

Well, I know she's technically alive.

But she's certainly not someone
who's going to notice us missing.

I mean, she wouldn't notice
if her teeth were missing, darling.

Okay, you know, Bernie, please.

Who else? Um...

I've got it, I've got it. Of cou...

- Who?
- The kidnappers.

The kidnappers. They have to get
their money, their ransom.

They will contact someone
and make demands

and that person will then realise
and we will be set free.

Darling, I think you solved it.

Wait, who will the kidnappers contact?

- That's it.
- Oh, no, wait.

Can I do it?

- Come on, please, please.
- Go on, go on.

Great!

- Hey, boss.
- You've done it?

Yeah, it's done. It's totally done.

Yeah. Right.

Downstairs. Downstairs.
They're both tied up.

And, um, safe and sound.
They're not going anywhere.

They?

The husband and the wife.
They're both tied up.

What the fuck you saying?

You got them both?

Yeah, yeah. I got 'em both.
Got 'em both, right here.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Who the hell is gonna pay
the fucking ransom?

- N...
- Hey? Oh, Jesus fucking...

Yeah, right. No, I thought...

You don't get paid to fucking think!

What?

He said to get one.

One?

He... he said... he said, "They?"

And I was like, "Yeah,
the husband and wife."

And, like, that's what...
He said, "Not they. Just the wife."

But when he told me when he...
to do this job,

like, he was, like, "Go get her."

But then when he wanted
both of us to do it,

I was like, "Obviously, you're gonna
get one and I'm gonna get the other."

But then, like, right now,
he's saying to me,

you know, he's meant to pay the ransom.

So, like, how's he gonna pay the
ransom when he's down there and...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

No, look, look. Neddy, I'm sorry.

I didn't realise. I just...

They don't sound happy.

No, no, no. This isn't good.

Doolans now missing 36 hours.

Car 72 maintaining surveillance.

Oh, Jesus, listen to this.

"An intoxicated Burrows, who earlier
in the day was man of the match

"in the victory that sent his
team to next week's grand final,

"was celebrating at a team-mate's house

"when he performed acts
of a sexual nature

"with an array of tropical fish,

"including neon tetras, angelfish,
clown fish and fire eels"?!

Oh, Jesus, that doesn't sound good.

Oh, apparently there's a video.
Do you wanna watch the video?

No, I don't want to watch
the video, alright?

Come on, mate, you love this stuff.

Well, maybe I'm just a bit
too old for this stuff now.

Maybe, you know, I'm a little
more discerning in my taste.

I'm not interested in trash.

Oh.

Alright.

Car 72, please report.

Uh, car 72, no activity.

No activity at all?

Yep.

Not even in the glove box?

- Better check the glove box.
- I'm not gonna open the glove box.

I don't know what this is
about, but you'd better check.

- Just check the glove box.
- Alright.

- Whoa-whoa.
- Oh-hooo!

- Hey!
- Happy birthday!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Stokes ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Stokesy ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
- Thank you.

- Hip-hip. Hooray!
- Hooray!

- Hip-hip. Hooray! Hip-hip. Hooray!
- Hooray! Hooray!

- Speech.
- Oh, you know...

- Speech.
- Thanks, guys.

- I thought you'd forgotten.
- Did he get the cake?

Oh, yeah, there's a cake.
There's cake. Get it.

- Look at that.
- He's got it.

- Got a little cherry on top.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Carol, it's very nice.
Oh, I've popped your cherry, Carol.

Oh, oh, no, I didn't.

Anyway, look, let me just say
48 years ago in Maitland,

I was a little over...

- 48? I thought you said he was 50.
- I thought he was 50.

- You're not 50?
- No, I'm 48.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry, I thought 50.

Sorry.

- Well, I, you know, appreciate...
- No, no, no, no.

No speech for 48, mate. Let's
just get back to work.

Keep the airwaves clear.

Car 72, no activity.

You wanna watch this Burrows video now?

Oh, absolutely.

Onya, mate.

- Meat-heads, look at them.
- Meat-heads.

- Time and time again.
- Yep.

- Is the boss okay?
- Yeah, he's fine, mate.

He sounded pissed off, mate.

He's pissed off but he'll call us back.

Fish have got a 3-second
memory anyway, you know?

And what's to say the
eel didn't enjoy that?

Look how he's got hold
of its head like that.

- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

Come on!

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Okay, the eel did not enjoy that.
- No, it didn't.

Oooh.

Animal!

- Ohhh.
- God, why would you even... Ah!

Two become one.

- How does it not, um...
- They don't have teeth.

- Oh, don't they?
- No, just clamp on with their gums.

- Like that. Mmm.
- Oh, gummy eel.

- It's kinda perfect in that sense.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, he's getting slammed on Twitter.

#FeelTheEel.

#PaedoEel.

- Was it a young eel?
- No, I think it's just a joke.

- #SexualEeling. That's good.
- That's clever.

That's... I mean, that's
the beginning of the end,

that trial by social media.

You know, it used to be that the
police would hand down punishment.

We would enforce the law, you know?

Now it's just all in the hands

of a whole lot of dickheads
with smartphones.

Totally.

- Why would he do that?
- Well, he's got to, mate.

- He's... he's got to do that?
- It's a team bonding thing, mate.

How's that bonding?

- Alright, imagine this, alright?
- Alright.

You and I here, we're fucking
a cow, right, you and me.

- A cow around here? A cow?
- It's hypothetical, mate.

Can we use something
else instead of a cow?

- A fucking sheep?
- No, no, no.

- Okay, you pick a fucking animal.
- Alright, flamingo.

Great, it's a flamingo. Right?
Happy with that?

- Pink, female, awesome.
- Right? Okay, you and me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
are you doing, mate?

- We're fucking the flamingo, mate.
- Here?

I've got this end, you
get that end, okay?

Fucking a little flamingo, right?

No, you're giving it to him too. It's
not just me. It's a group exercise.

- I've got to fuck the flamingo?
- Okay, here we go.

Hey, hey, flamingo, here
you go, want some of this?

- Hey, guess what we're doing.
- Uh...

What are we doing? Buddy?

- Hey, fucking a flamingo, mate. Yeah?
- Yep.

Yeah, getting right on there.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Yeah, fuck that flamingo!

- Shit.
- Fuck it, mate! Stuff it all up!

Oh, fuck it! Fuck it!
Fuck that fucking flamingo.

Hey, brother, look! Look! Hah!
Fucking a flamingo, yeah?!

We're fucking a flamingo! Fuck it!
Yeah, oh, you fucking...

- Yeah, you fucking prick.
- Oh, shit.

- Right?
- Yep.

- Got it?
- Got it.

- Because we just...
- We've got a bond, mate.

We fucked a flamingo.
We crossed that line.

We crossed the line.

We've broke down the
barriers of society.

We crossed the line that everyone
else in the world deems uncrossable.

- Right.
- Right?

Yeah, 'cause you know I fucked a
flamingo so now you've got it on me.

- We've got a secret on each other.
- It's not a fucking blackmail thing.

- Isn't it?
- It's a bond thing.

It's like a philosophical thing.
Okay, look at it this way, right?

No-one else in the world
fucks flamingos, right?

Everyone else in the world
is looking at you, going,

"You filthy pig-fucking
flamingo-fucker," right?

I'm copping it, I'm fucking
walking down the street,

"Hey, there's that fucking
flamingo-fucker!"

- Right?
- Yeah.

You and I come back
together at training?

"Fuck, oh, fuck, what a tough day.
Tough fucking day."

"Did you get all that
flamingo fucking stuff?"

- Yeah, yeah.
- "Fuck, me too. Fuck."

"Brother, you and I together
against the world, mate."

Whistle goes. Peew-wit!
Fucking kick-off.

They've gotta fucking do it, mate.

Bonding, right?

Can't win games if you don't bond.

Looking for
an update on Bandicoot.

Yeah. What, the yoghurt? Oh, it
could be off but give it a sniff.

Well, you can eat it if you want.

Alright, try to wait
up, will you? Alright, ciao.

Funny, she is.

- This one of your Tinder girls?
- Yes, my latest conquest. Linda.

- Is she at your house?
- Yeah.

- Are you serious?
- Absolutely serious.

I haven't heard about this one.

I was just waiting until
things, you know,

firmed up a little bit
before I spilled the beans.

- They sound pretty firm.
- Well...

- Let's hear it.
- Okay.

Well, we, uh... I took her out
on this fantastic date, right?

And then out of nowhere, right,
and this never happens to me,

she just drops the question and says,
"I wanna come back to your house."

- Really? From zero to 100?
- Yeah. Let's get amongst it.

We go running up through
the city streets

like we're racing to get home.

She knew all these little back streets.
It was amazing.

The whole way she's just,
like, chattering on,

like, one minute it's the government
and then it's conspiracy theories.

Anyway, we're back at my house, right?

And she's like... She looks
beautiful, you know, windswept.

And she's got this little autumn
leaf just tucked into her hair here.

And I just kind of pulled it out

and kissed it and let
it fall to the ground.

- Yeah?
- She laughed.

And I'm going in and we're just
about to... just about to kiss...

And she goes, "Whoa! I
wanna take this slow."

So, anyway, we, um... we go to bed,

no touching or anything because
that's how she wanted to play it,

wake up in the morning
and have breakfast.

And that was five days ago.

- And she's still there?
- Yeah, still there.

- And you still haven't done anything?
- No, not yet.

But like the... It's... Like, the
atmosphere is fecund in the room.

- You can smell it.
- Right.

Let me ask you this.

- Has she left the house?
- No.

Pretty much just holes up in my room.

- Good appetite or...?
- Well, you know, it's not too bad.

She doesn't leave anything on her plate.

Right.

- She loves soup.
- Does she?

Does she ever change clothes?
Many outfits, or...?

She hasn't been home so, you know,
she only came in the one outfit.

- She mainly just wears my shirts.
- Ha-hah.

She looks great.

- How does she smell?
- Normal.

How did she smell on the first night?

I can't recall.

I don't quite know
how to say this to you,

but... it sounds a bit to me like
you've taken in a homeless woman.

No.

Think about it, she doesn't leave
because she's got nowhere else to go.

She's got a fridge full
of food, daytime TV.

She's wearing your stuff.

You said this never happens.
Of course it never happens.

There's a reason for it. Back
streets, you didn't know the way.

She had leaves in her hair!

But I met her on
Tinder, she had a phone.

Yeah, she's homeless,
she's not phoneless.

Prepaid plan, 10 bucks a month,
five nights accommodation.

- That's not a bad deal.
- Oh, shit!

Come to think of it, she's always
commenting on how soft my bed is.

- How soft YOUR bed is?
- Yes.

- The one I bought with you?
- Mmm.

Mate, there's one thing firmer
than that mattress, and that is...

- Concrete.
- Probably what she's used to.

Oh, shit!

- She sleep on the floor?
- Yes, all the time.

- Checkmate.
- Oh, God.

- I'm having an anxiety attack.
- It's alright. Hey, it's alright.

Hey, hey, hey, Stokes, Stokes.

- What?
- Here's what we're gonna do.

Tonight after the shift,
I'll come back with you,

I'll take care of it for you,
I'll get her out of there.

Maybe on the weekend we'll
get a new mattress for you too.

Yeah.

Surveillance pushing further east.

- Copy that. Um, travelling.
- Affirmative.

Darling.

What now?

I just want to say, if they
get sexual, just... look away.

Don't put yourself through
it, okay? Just look away.

It's not going to get sexual, darling.

I don't think it's that type of thing.

- But, okay, yep.
- I don't want you to get upset.

And if it ends up getting sexual...

In the unlikely event that it
gets sexual, I will look away.

And likewise.

Likewise?

Likewise, if it gets sexual with me,

then I'd probably prefer
you to look away as well.

What's so funny about that?

Really, darling, I don't think
there's any threat of that.

- I think you're safe.
- Oh, really?

Why? Is that because I'm
disgusting? That's really lovely.

That's... that's great. Thanks, darling.

Darling, I'm just saying
I think you're safe.

- I think you're gonna be okay.
- Because you know them?

You know their preferences, you know
what they're into, do you, darling?

Darling, I think if
I was a betting woman,

I would be betting on
me rather than you, okay?

Okay, Elizabeth, uh, no
offence, but I'm gonna say it.

This is a little bit homophobic,
what you're saying now.

- I am the furthest from homophobic.
- I was gonna go with narrow-minded.

I don't know, I don't know. It's 2016.

- I know what year it is, darling.
- Elizabeth, I'm work...

Stephen from work just went
to New York and married a man.

What has that got to do...

What it's got to do with it is that
the world is a different place now

and anything can happen, and
for you to jump to a conclusion

that there are two straight men in
that room who wanna have sex with you

is a conclusion that is very
1950s, that's all I'm saying.

19... Really, darling?
Darling, I hope they come.

Get your head out of the last century.

I hope they come down

and they give you what you
want, darling, I really do.

- And I will not look away.
- Good.

- I will be absolutely present.
- Neither will I.

- Great.
- Enjoy. Have fun.

- Kidnappers! Kidnappers!
- Oh! Can you please... Stop it.

- Excuse me!
- Stop it.

- Elizabeth, shut up.
- Bernie wants to ask you something!

- Oh, I don't want to ask anything!
- He does!

- I don't!
- Keep it down!

- That's fine.
- That's your last warning!

Can you shut up, please?

Unidentified vehicle on nearby
street. Probably nothing.

Stand-by, we'll call you back.

- Why is it being filmed, you know?
- Yeah.

And where's the team-mate saying,

"Hey, Jarred," you know, "get
your dick out of the eel"?

I don't... It's just...

- It's Beau's.
- The stool in the boot?

- It's Beau's poo.
- How can that be?

Wow.

- Maybe he's trying to set Lachy up.
- Maybe.

Beau does do his business, you
know, number twos with the door open.

- Is that a clue?
- I don't know.

I-I don't think so. I think it's very
refreshing, I think it's very open.

You know, he's got nothing to
hide, doesn't need to shut the door.

Sure. Sure.

Maybe it was Lachy, though.

Maybe he somehow, I don't
know, got Beau's... waste

and put it in the boot.

Oh, okay, so you're saying
that Lachy, my son...

Yeah.

has somehow managed to, I don't know...

he made a contraption
that's captured Beau's poo

or, what, he's gone in there
and fished it out himself

and he's put it in the boot,

all the while knowing that I will
probably take a sample of that,

run it down to the lab, find
that it actually is Beau's poo,

and then I'll be thinking,
"Beau is trying to set Lachy up"?

That... that's what you think happened?

Sorry, yeah. It was...
it was just a theory.

Now that I've said that out loud...

I am thinking that that is
possibly what's happened,

and I've got Lachy's
name ringing in my ears.

Yeah.

I mean, if he submitted that
as a project at school...

I mean, I'm not condoning it,
but what I'm saying is a lot of...

Yeah, it's clever, yeah.

He's clever.

In breaking news,

the eel at the centre of the
Burrows sex scandal has died.

Stay with us now for a
Robert Palmer double play.

Needed to know that.

- Not a surprise.
- Fail, eh?

- So where we you...
- Oh, here we go.

when Robert Palmer died?

Robert Palmer's dead?

- What, you didn't know?
- No!

Oh, I'm sorry. You okay?

- When did this happen?
- Like, ages ago. Over a decade. 2003.

- You're kidding?!
- I'm not kidding.

- Robert Palmer, the singer?
- Dead. The singer.

- 'Addicted to Love'. 'Heavy Nova'.
- 'Simply Irresistible'.

- Definitely dead?
- Dead. Paris.

- How did he die?
- Heart attack.

- Paris?
- Dead. Deceased.

- How did I not know that?
- I don't know.

Hang on.

Uh, car 72. Come in, over.

Car 72, copy that. Carol here.

Um, Robert Palmer, do you
think he's alive or dead?

Alive.

Apparently he's not.
Apparently he's dead.

April, did you know that
Robert Palmer's dead?

Nuh.

It was a great album, though, wasn't it?

- Oh, yeah, good film clips.
- Oh, hot.

'Simply Irresistible',
that's one of my favourites.

- Oh, yes!
- Just did myself some serious damage.

- Did you?
- I did.

You know, I remember at 2 minutes
15, that was a highlight for me.

- Oh, that was the moment for you?
- Yeah, it's, uh...

- Did you pause it?
- Mmmm.

And sometimes to mix it
up, I'd also stop at 3:43.

That was another highlight, just...

You know the way
they're... I just love that.

- They were just...
- Bored, thinking, "I hate you."

- Yeah, sort of vague contempt.
- Yeah.

Not that they know who you are.

Listless nothingness, like
the shark eyes, just dead.

- You like that, don't you?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You've got that now. Do that.

That's it, that's just like them.

But, mmm, that kind of
stuff really turns me on.

I just wanted to crack it and make
it smile, make them want me a bit,

but, you know, they didn't... they
didn't... they didn't reciprocate.

- You've got a type, don't you?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

- Vehicle's rego cleared.
- Copy. Out.

Do you like being a kidnapper, eh?

You've done this before, haven't you?

I've done a lot of stuff, yeah.

- What did you do before kidnapping?
- Bit of standover work.

Security at a brothel.

- You worked at a brothel?
- Yeah.

Did you get to, like,
you know, touch 'em?

- Of course you do. You got to.
- Really?

If you don't touch
them, you offend them.

Why?

That's their job, that's what
they do. They get touched.

You go around not touching them,

they'd feel a bit weird, like,
not good enough or something.

- Were any of them, like, hot?
- Oh, yeah.

Julia Roberts 'Pretty Woman' hot?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

I mean, not all of them are hot but...

Well, there was one that wasn't
hot at all, 70-year-old Nancy.

I mean, some blokes are into that
kind of stuff. I'm not into it.

But I tell you what,
she changed my life.

I was in a... I was in a
loveless marriage for a long time.

- Yeah.
- You know?

Lost the spark, we didn't
touch each other anymore.

And Nancy took me in one day...

She said, "Look, I've
got thousands of tricks"

"that I've accumulated over
the course of these decades.

"Well, I can teach them to
you. I'm a wealth of knowledge."

"Take them home to your
wife, and who knows?"

"It might just fix your marriage."

I was a bit sceptical, of
course, I was like, well...

You know, little by little I
tried these moves on the missus,

and I'd just see the spark
that fucking came up in her eye.

You know?

You see, I was giving
her this attention, mate,

and I was fucking feeling
like a champion, mate,

feeling like a champion.

And so I'd go back and, you know,
get some more moves off the old lady,

and sooner or later, this
marriage just blossomed,

completely blossomed, mate, you know.

Sitting there one day and
looking each other in the eye

and simultaneously fucking came.

Never done that before.

Both tears fucking...

Fucking beaming, mate,
happiest day of our life.

Happiest day of our life.

Did you tell your wife about this?

I don't need to tell my
wife about Nancy, mate.

If I tell my wife that I've been
fucking a 70-year-old prostitute,

she's not gonna be
happy anymore, is she?

You're right, so Nancy
saved your marriage.

Yeah.

Yeah. Then she died.

- What, your wife?
- No, Nancy.

Oh.

Divorced my wife.

Ran out of tricks.

Car 72, please report.

Car 72, no activity.

So, he gives me my change.

There's a $10 note, $5
note and some coins.

How do you think he puts it in my hand?

Um, mmm, I guess notes, then coins.

- Notes THEN coins.
- Yeah.

Oops, the coins slippy-slidey,
fall down the thing.

- I see where you're going with this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- How hard is it? Coins then notes.
- Yep.

- COINS then notes.
- Coins, mmm.

Like, you've got a
pouch there for coins,

you've got a claw there for notes.

- Pouch. Claw. Pouch. Claw.
- Coins. Pouch. Coins.

- Pouch. Claw. Pouch. Claw.
- That was built for it.

Oh, mate, if you designed a
machine to receive change,

it would look just like a hand.

Ngoh-ohh. Gah-ohh.

We're the only country in the
world who does it like that.

Everywhere else in the world that
I've travelled, coins then notes.

Only here, notes, ee-ah-ung, coins.

Did you know that?
We're the only country.

- Yes, I did.
- How'd you know that?

Because you've told me
this entire story before.

You went to the service station,
you bought a sausage roll,

the guy gave you a tenner,
a fiver and some coins,

and the coins slipped down
into the chewie container.

Why didn't you stop me
if I've already told you?

Because I didn't realise
until you got to the end

about being in a different country.

We need new things to talk about.
This is happening way too often.

Yeah, it certainly is.

Like your jet ski story, I've
heard that about 15 times.

- Oh, that's a good one.
- Not really.

- You wanna hear it again?
- Nup.

Righto.

Moving units towards city. Car 22, okay?

Moving units, copy. Out.

Ooh!

- I've got a hearing to be, um...
- What for?

To be reinstated into the active duty.

Shhh!

Allegations of sexual misconduct...

Alright, we just want a quick apology,

make a donation to the
RSPCA and we'll all move on.

I take full responsibility

for my actions of last Saturday evening,

and apologise unreservedly
to all involved.

- Wait for it.
- Words can't express how awful I...

- Wait for what?
- Mental illness.

felt at learning that the fire
eel from the aquarium tank...

Is he crying already? It
sounds like he's gonna cry.

You'd expect more from a big footballer.

This is something that I'd actually...

- Look at him, he's like actually...
- Mental illness.

- He looks actually like...
- Mental illness.

cause any more damage
to this great club,

and that is why I'm standing
down from next week's grand final.

Oh, fuck!

That... that's us who
suffer, the supporters.

- Your team.
- My team!

Oh, God, that's bad.

I have a problem with alcohol.

- That's... Mmm.
- Oh, do you?

Or do the marine life in your area
have a problem with your alcohol?

Hah, he sleeps with the fishes.

dealing with the pressure
of the modern game.

Mental illness. Mental illness.
Depression. Mental illness.

Here it comes. Mental illness,
mental illness, mental illness!

I've battled depression
my entire career.

They've gotta do it, mate.

Look, you know, I had no idea
about that. You poor fella.

You had no idea, he had
no idea until this morning

when they told him to say
it in his press conference.

Well, it's not depression.
You fucked an eel, mate.

- I'd like to...
- Sorry.

I mean, what about his
mate? Mate who filmed it.

That's fucking mental illness.

Well, that's it, I'm... I'm not
even gonna watch the grand final.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, but you were never gonna watch it.

Please, don't confuse
your apathy towards sports

with the sacrifice I will be making.

Alright. Sorry.

Fuck you, Burrows!

- You right, Lee?!
- Sorry.

Walking here!

Once again, we suffer, the fans suffer.

Mmm, and the eel.

Well, I mean but after
that, the fans suffer,

even more so because of the eel.

The eel suffered more
than the fans ever could.

You know, if the eel was not in
the right place at the right time,

the fans wouldn't suffer.

You sure you don't want
to hear the jet ski story?

I feel like you're gonna say it anyway.

Okay, so I'm jet-skiing
in tropical Fiji...

- No, you were in Bali.
- Was I?

- Yes, you were in Bali.
- Oh, right.

Anyway, they gave me a
ladies jet ski, right?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- You're scratching.
- No, I'm just...

You know, a bit itchy.

- What's going on?
- Well...

In an effort to stay ahead
of the old dating scene,

I've been consulting
a few male magazines.

And, uh, they're all into
this thing called manscaping.

- Oh, yes. I've heard of that.
- That's right.

So, you know, I've been,
uh, looking at a few designs.

Have you? What have you gone
with? Lightning bolt? Tiger?

- No, love heart.
- That's another way to go.

I figured that with my
Johnson, it'd look like

Cupid's arrow going
right into the heart.

- It's all the way around?
- Yeah.

- On top and bottom? Underneath?
- That was the hard bit.

You see, I had to put
my ankles behind my head

and back up along the floor
to the mirror to get that bit.

- Flexible hips, don't you?
- Very.

It's quite difficult to do, though.

I'm a bit worried it looks
like a... a deformed hedgehog.

Oh, 'cause you need to get the
symmetry just right, don't you?

- That's right.
- No angles in there, you'll ruin it.

- Let me have a look.
- Really?

- Just the top, yeah.
- All right.

- Oh, hang on. Yeah,
yeah. Bit lower. - Mm-hm.

- That's fine.
- Oh.

- That's better than I thought.
- Let's hope the ladies like it.

Well, good luck.

Car 72, please report. Car 72.

Car 72. No activity.

Copy that, car 72.

- Has he sung you a song yet?
- Who?

Lachy.

Oh, J... Jesus. I forgot he was there.

- Did you?
- No, I remembered.

Uh, no. N-no songs from Lachy there.
But he's going great guns there.

He's, uh... he's... he's got his
headphones in, so everything's good.

No, I don't.

Uh... No, he don't.

Copy that.

I'm... sorry. That freaks me out.

What... Hey?

- What does?
- Your hair, the cut.

- It's like looking in a mirror.
- Oh.

- Looks exactly the same.
- I wasn't trying to copy you.

Oh, no, no, no, it's...
No. It's flattering.

- Okay.
- Just a bit creepy.

Bit "Single White April".

Lachy? Sing the detectives a song.

I'm not singing a song.

I'm gonna count to three.

And if I get to three and
you're not singing a song...

Carol. It's fine. He doesn't
have to sing us a song.

But thanks for the thought.

Honestly, he... he's got
the voice of an angel.

- You know, you're missing out.
- What's going on with the song thing?

All right, Carol, car 72 out.

- Probably do your pants up now.
- Hm?

Oh, shit.

Mate, there is no update. The
package is just sitting there.

Where?

No, the package is
totally compromised, mate.

- It's a strike-out.
- Oh, shit.

We might have to call
our friend in Hong Kong.

- Has he called yet?
- No.

Got a bad feeling about this.

You have a bad feeling about this?

Do you think he's gonna
come in, like, top us off?

- Like, put us down the bottom...
- I don't know.

Jeez, you... you gotta
come up with something.

- Me?!
- Yeah. You've done this shit before.

- I haven't.
- You're the one who fucked up.

You're the one who
fucking grabbed two of 'em.

- I didn't fuck up.
- Took the instructions and fucked it.

Ned, I got it, mate.

- What the fuck is that?
- Adderall.

What do we need Adderall for?

Well, you know, like,
it's... it's a drug for ADD.

- We don't have ADD.
- We might have ADD.

Look, you know when I was
driving trucks, right, dozing off,

I'd take one of these, couple
of these, mate, focused, clear.

Problem-solving. Sudoku
puzzles. Right, crosswords?

We're not fucking doing a
fucking Sudoku puzzle, mate.

We're trying to fucking
sort out this situation.

You're not getting my point, okay?
Like... I can't do Sudoku puzzles.

But I'm, like, smashing them
one at a time while I'm driving.

Taking a pill to find a solution
isn't an actual solution.

- Maybe...
- It's just taking a pill to find one.

Well, maybe it is a solution, maybe
if we're at a point and a place

where in our minds, we're
looking for a solution,

we might come up with a solution.

This is gonna help us get there.

It's not a solution, but I want to...

Go on.

Darling.

What?

- How long we gonna be here for?
- Oh, I have no idea, darling.

I've never been kidnapped
before. How would I know?

I don't know what they want,
don't know where they've taken us.

I don't know who they are.

It's like when we watch
"Game of Thrones", darling.

I know just as much as you do.

This has got to be something to do with

one of your shady deals
or failing businesses.

I've explained this to you
already a million times.

A couple of my companies haven't
been doing so well. Okay, fair enough.

That has nothing to do with me
and everything to do with Brexit.

- Here we go. Brexit.
- Darling.

Your entire lifestyle is funded by me.

- Let's not forget that, sweetheart.
- Okay, darling.

So let's not talk
about failed businesses.

- Okay.
- It's Brexit.

- "Brexit"? It's "Bregsit".
- "Bregsit"?

"Bregsit". One word. You're
breaking it up into two words.

No, I'm putting it together
as one word. It's "Brexit".

- You're saying "Breg-exit".
- Yes. That's what it is.

- It's "British exit". "Brexit".
- No, it's "Bregsit".

You're saying "Bregsit" like
it's some kind of breakfast.

- Bacon and Bregsit.
- "Bregsit".

- Say it after me. "Bregsit".
- I'm not saying it after you.

I don't think you can
say it. It's "Brexit".

- It's "Bregsit".
- It's "Brexit". "Brexit".

- "Bregsit".
- You're saying "Bregsit".

I'm saying "Bregsit",
how it's pronounced.

It's one word. "Bregsit".

- No, darling, it's "Brexit".
- "Bregsit".

No, "Brexit". Just try
and say it like that.

- "Brexit".
- I'm saying it correctly.

- No, you're saying "Bregsit".
- You're saying it incorrectly.

You're saying like you
would say "Gregsit".

- "Brexit".
- "Bregsit".

Oh, look, darling, I'm not
gonna talk about Brexit anymore

if you can't say the word properly.

City east clear on southbound.

- Confirming visuals.
- Copy. Out.

Sorry about, uh, all the, uh,

inappropriate conversation before, son,

about, you know, manscaping
and everything like that.

I hope your... your delicate
ears will handle that.

Don't think his ears are that delicate.

He's probably heard worse than that.
I think he's done worse than that.

Didn't you hear he put... poo in...

Didn't you put poo in
someone's boot, mate?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who... whose boot did
you put the poo in?

Beau. Mum's boyfriend.

Why would you do that?

Dunno.

He's a 16-year-old kid. He doesn't know.

I didn't do stuff like
that when I was 16.

You don't need reasons
for that sort of stuff.

It's just... You don't
think when you're that age.

It's just straight into the...
crocodilian part of your brain.

- Done worse than that.
- Oh, really? Do tell. Like what?

Jizzed in his thermos every
day for four and a half months.

- Oh, Jesus!
- Jizzed in his thermos?!

- For four and a half months?
- Fucking hell, mate!

How many days is that?

That's like...

- Four and a half months?
- Mmm.

4 times 30 is 120. Well, think about it.

- "30 days hath September, April..."
- 93 workdays.

Workday... What about the weekends?

Well, no, workdays is when
he takes his thermos to work.

Oh. Course. He'd have to, like,
store up a load over the weekend.

I don't think he has
any trouble with storage.

- He's got a big week ahead.
- He's ready to go at any moment.

Wouldn't the... the coffee
be dangerous, though, a bit hot?

I doubt he would have done it with
the coffee right there, near his...

He would have put it
before the coffee go...

Did you put it
before the coffee goes in?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

See?

How do you get it into the thermos?

Well, let's think about it.
That's the thermos shape.

That's all good. Screw-top,
nice big opening.

- I see it.
- Easy as you like.

Or he could have done it in his bedroom.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Put it in a cup.

And, you know, transported it down
and put it in the... thermos.

Is that what you did, mate,
you just took a cup,

put it in the cup
and put it in the thermos there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You'd have to get up early too to
do it, because Beau's on the tools.

- Yeah.
- Getting up at 4:00, 4:30.

Like, that takes real discipline,
to get up.

- Set an alarm.
- You set an alarm, Lachy?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's good.

Wouldn't he... wouldn't he
recognise the taste, though?

Not after a while. I mean...

Now, think about it, 93 days.

It'd taste weird now
if he stopped doing it like that.

Be like, "Oh! Coffee tastes weird.
What have you done to my coffee?"

You know?

Probably shouldn't do it anymore, Lachy.

- Time to stop?
- Nah.

- Oh.
- That's that.

We tried.

Car 21,
looping back around the perimeter.

Oh, great.

That's useless.

- What happened? What is it?
- Oh...

- I've put in for some extra shifts.
- Yeah.

'Cause... I've got to take Beau
to Fiji for a bit of a holiday.

- Nice.
- Just give him some space from Lachy.

You know? I wanted some extra shifts.

- Mm-hm.
- They've put me on with Lee.

Which Lee? Lee who?

Disabled Lee.

What's wrong with him?

He's a total wanker.

No, he's not!

I went to the disabled
toilet the other day, right?

- Yeah.
- I came out.

And he's just sitting
there in his wheelchair.

- Yeah.
- You know, "Hi, Carol."

I couldn't believe it.

- I know what that means.
- Okay.

I mean, why can't disabled
people wait for the toilet?

- Mm-hm.
- Are their bladders disabled?

- No.
- Yeah. They're already sitting down.

- Okay.
- Oh, he's just on...

You know, like, he's on every committee.

He, like, organises all the social
club stuff. He's just a tosser.

I don't know. I think
he's... he's all right.

I've never... I've never had
any weird run-ins with him.

Yeah. Yeah, 'cause...

Someone in a wheelchair couldn't
be an arsehole, could they?

- I mean, you know, can't say that.
- Well...

- Anyone can be an arsehole.
- Yeah.

It doesn't matter what
race, age, religion you are.

There are arseholes everywhere.

How about babies?

- Yes. Yes. Babies can be arseholes.
- Really?

There's scientific proof.

- Is there?
- Yeah.

- Babies born by caesarean section...
- Yeah?

They couldn't even be bothered
to go down the birth canal.

So, you know, once they're
born, they're just...

They're just sort of
some entitled little shit,

which then, obviously, grows up into
an adult and becomes an arsehole.

I was a C-section baby.

- Is that right?
- Yeah. Oh, he's coming. He's coming.

He's coming.

Hi, April.

- Hi.
- Hey, Carol.

- Hi, Lee.
- Here are last week's time sheets.

I've already put your hours in
for you. Hope you don't mind.

Just thought you might want to have
a look at 'em before I submit them.

- Yeah, no, they're all right.
- I did some baking last night too.

So there's a nice lemon ginger
Bundt cake in the kitchen.

- Promise me you'll try some.
- Yeah. Sounds yummy.

Okay.

- Mmm.
- Wanker.

- Sorry?
- Hey?

- Did... Oh! Sorry.
- I didn't say anything.

No?

- Yeah.
- Cheerio.

Wanker.

"Lemon ginger Bundt cake".

Just... He's got such
a chip on his shoulder.

- Feeling anything yet?
- Nope.

- Have another one? Yep.
- Yeah.

Oh, Lachy, you know, I was a bit of
a tearaway when I was your age too.

Yeah, we've all done things we're
not proud of. Haven't we, Hendy?

- Yep.
- Yes. My word.

I mean, I remember when
I was a young lad, I...

I had a, uh... a book
I was very proud of.

It was... it was a girlie magazine.

- A nudie magazine, actually.
- Really? Which one?

Uh, "Oui".

"Wee"? "Wee"?

No, like as in... as in
the French word "oui".

- Oh, "oui". Yeah.
- Oh, "wah". Yeah.

Very fond of a young lass
on page 23 named Jacqueline,

who was kind of in this
mysterious kind of...

- She would cover her goods here.
- You couldn't see anything?

So you couldn't see anything.

And I liked the coy
mysteriousness about it.

- It really took my fancy.
- Mmm.

Anyway, we... I used to go up
to Grandy and... and Papa's house

on the... up at Armidale for
the school holidays, and...

this one particular time, I'm up
there, and I... I'm bailed up on a...

on a hay bale in the corner of
the shed with my... with my "Oui",

just fantasising about
Jacqueline there, and, um,

anyway, I frolicked off
down the... the fenced area

to play with some sheep,

and Grandma's ringing
the... the triangle there,

goes, "It's dinnertime. Come
in for your curds and whey."

So I walked in the front
door, and she's standing there,

holding my "Oui", furious.

She says, "Whose filth is this?"

I almost shit myself, you
know. I was so terrified.

'Cause she was into corporal punishment,

she being an ex... you know, the
headmistress at the local school.

- Mmm.
- She was to rail on me.

And then, out of nowhere,
Granddad just pops up behind her,

and he goes, "It's my filth!"

- Did he?
- Mmm.

She turns and she rails on him and
starts smacking him about the head

and drives him towards the...
the front door and says,

"Get out of my house with your filth,"

and flicks the magazine at him.

He... he gave me a little
wink on the way out,

just as if to say,
"I'm on your side, son."

Really?

Anyway, Granddad comes back from
the pub, you see, very late at night,

but Grandma, she's
locked the front door.

You see? Which is rare. You
don't do that in the country.

Particularly in those days.

- Crime rate, very low.
- Mmm.

Actually, a lot of the
times, you'd come home,

you'd have other visitors in your house,

they'd already have the fire
going for you, before you...

and... and have half the
table set before you'd, uh...

Does this have an ending, this story?

Yep. Anyway, she didn't open the door.

And he froze to death
on the front porch.

- Fucking hell!
- And I... found him the next day.

He was... he was blue.

He was, uh... he'd obviously
been trying to keep himself warm,

'cause it was so cold out
there, so he's kind of huddled up

in a little ball and...
with his arms over...

here, and he... he just...

He just looked like
Jacqueline on page 23.

Stokes, I had no idea.

You killed your granddad.

I didn't kill my granddad.

You were just a kid. You didn't mean to.

No. This... It had
nothing to do with me.

- No, no.
- I mean...

I mean, inadvertently, maybe, 'cause
I brought the "Oui" magazine up,

but, you know... you can't...

You know, a little bit of
cause-and-effect involved,

but there's no way you can point
the finger at... at someone,

you know, who's... who's doing
quite a natural teenage thing.

That's what I'm trying
to... get across here.

I didn't...

Listen, you can't...

He ejaculated semen in a thermos.

I never killed anyone.

Put your headphones on, Lachy.

That's an order.

Little shit.

Operation Bandicoot.

Still no leads on the
couple's whereabouts. Over.

I feel so focused now.

So clear.

- Do you feel clear?
- Yep.

- I've got it.
- Got what?

We'll let him go.

Soon as he gets out to fucking there,
the street, fucking give him a call.

"Hey. Your fucking wife.
We've got your fucking wife!"

"Motherfucker, we've got your wife..."

What's happening?

Something happening?
Are they doing something?

Okay?

Don't answer it.

- We have to answer it.
- Don't answer it.

Put it down. Put it down. Don't
answer it. Don't answer it.

Ball's in our court.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Who's thinking clearly?
- We are.

We're thinking clearly.
Is he thinking clearly?

- How many Adderall has he had?
- None.

- How many have we had?
- A lot.

- Right.
- Yeah.

So? We go see him, man to man.

Don't talk on the phone.

Got to look him in the
eye with our Adderall eyes.

Give him the Adderall eye. Hey.

- Wow.
- Hey, mate.

Here we are. Look. Hey.
Who's got the golden egg?

- We have.
- Who's got the golden egg?

- We do.
- Who's got the solutions here?

- We have.
- We have. Who needs the solutions?

- He does. We've got them.
- He needs the solutions.

- Who's got them? We've got them.
- We've got the solutions.

- He needs them.
- He needs them.

- Who's got the upper hand?
- We have.

- We're a fucking team, you and me.
- Let's go do it.

Let's do this.

We're together.

Let's go!

Hey, hey! Um... Hold tight!

Hold tight!

Um, regroup at headquarters.

Copy. Travelling.

We'll head by Central. Out.

- April.
- Hey, Lee. Hi.

- Internal mail.
- Oh! Thank you.

Apple?

- Oh. Thank you.
- Yep?

- Cheers.
- Carol?

- No, thanks.
- Banana.

Mandy. Here's one.

- No... fruit.
- Okay. All right.

- Cheerio.
- Thanks.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- My appeal... was successful.

You know, from the...
the tasering incident.

I'm back on active duty,
like, effective immediately.

What, so you're leaving Dispatch?

Well, for now.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I knew you
probably wouldn't be here for...

forever, but... just kind of
got used to... having you around.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- We'll stay in touch and everything.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Just...

I might just put a mirror
in here, for a new partner,

so when I turn, it's...

- Think it's you, 'cause the same.
- The hair. Yeah.

No.

Knowing my luck, they'll
probably put me with Lee.

Dickhead.

Carol?

I think Lee is a dickhead as well.

- Thank you.
- That's all right.

I've got to... got to
go call, um, Big Boy.

- My dad.
- Your dad. Yeah, I know.

- It's your dad.
- Oh. It's exciting.

Operation Bandicoot
coming up empty thus far.

Nothing on the Doolans.

Nothing on our end. We'll go
through the usual channels.

This has been going on for some time.

- Who have we got there?
- Car 72 at house location.

Yeah, right. Unlikely to yield
anything. Leave them there.

Copy that. We'll leave them there.

- This is a fucking waste of time.
- Hey.

- No, it is.
- Just steady on. Language.

Oh, 'cause of him? Mate, he's done
far worse than you and I ever could.

Or have.

It's pointless.

What a shit night.

Nothing's happened.
Nothing's gonna happen.

Silence is deafening.

Do you want to hear a song now?

Not really. No.

- Yeah.
- Oh, really?

Well, let him sing.

Fine.

Yep. Okay, Lachy. We'd love
to hear your song now.

Whenever you're ready.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Come yon virgin mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night... ♪

- Come in, Dispatch.
- Dispatch here.

Car 54 here. We've got
two bodies at the reservoir.

Uh, Caucasian male.
Asian, possibly Indian, male.

Both 30s to 40s.

Single gunshot wound.

No ID. We've got them on ice.
Um... I'll be at the morgue in 20.

Roger that.

♪ Heaven afar ♪

♪ Heavenly hosts sing "Hallelujah!" ♪

♪ Christ, the Saviour, is born ♪

♪ Christ, the Saviour, is born. ♪

I killed my grandfather.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Someone's here. Someone's here.

- You can hear it. You hear that?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

They're back.

- You want to sit in the chair?
- No, mate, no.

I don't care where I sit.
Sit on the couch.

You sit wherever you want. I'll sit
wherever... wherever you don't want.

OK, well... I don't care.

- I don't really give a shit.
- You sit in the chair.

I'll sit in the chair.
You want the couch, sit on the couch.

I don't want the couch,
but you sit in the chair.

Oh, well, I'm in the chair now,
aren't I?

Where are they?

Downstairs.

- We'll check on 'em in a minute.
- Okay.

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resync by chamallow
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