Original subtitles

Priority one. 1-5-1 in progress.

I repeat, 1-5-1 in progress.

We've got a code 7. I'm sending backup.

Car 72 responding.

We are heading south along Tenement Avenue,

heading towards location.

Code 7. It's a priority 1.

Car 72, come in.

- Almost there. - Nearly there, nearly there.

Use of deadly force is authorised.

- Straight through the lights. - Yep, yep, yep.

Right, right, right.

Oh, God.

Left here. Left, left. That's it. Left, left, left!

Where is he? Where is he?

Okay, I've got a visual on the suspect, first floor.

Shh! Got a visual on the suspect.

Stokes, are you sure?

- I'm sure. - We have the shot.

Take the shot.

Stokes, take the shot!

Pew! Pew!

- Head shot. - Okay, end of drill.

- Yes! - Yes.

- Nailed it. - Whoo!

- How did we go? - 17min 38sec response time.

- Not bad. - Not bad.

Yeah, it's not great either.

Yeah, but we had all the traffic at the Domain.

There was a Rock Eisteddfod on.

Lots of kids we had to try not to hit.

As long as you're happy with it, that's the important thing.

- I'm happy with it. - Me too.

- See you at the station. - Thanks, boys. Thank you.

Good job.

There's a nice little pho place around the corner.

- We just ate. - Oh.

- And it's pronounced "fuh". - What is?

Vietnamese soup. Is that what you're talking about?

- "Fuh". - "Fuh".

- There's a nice "fah" place... - Nuh.

There's a nice "farh" place around the corner.

- No. - There's a nice "fah"...

- "Fuh". - "Fah".

- "Fuh". - "Fuh".

- Ask me. - "Fah"?

Ask the whole thing.

- There's a nice "fah" place... - No, no.

There's a nice "fah" place around the corner.

- There's a nice "fah" place... - No.

- There's a nice "fah"... - No.

- Nice "furh"... - Come on.

All right. Nice "furh" place around the corner.

- Almost. - Nice "furh" place.

- Almost. - Nice "fuh" place around the corner.

- Again. - Nice "fuh" place around the corner.

- Yeah? - And it's "Cheap Tuesday".

- Okay, let's do it. - All right.

Sync & corrections by susinz resync by chamallow www.addic7ed.com

Businessman Bernard Doolan and his wife, Elizabeth,

have been reported missing from their home.

We're currently investigating the whereabouts of the Doolans.

At this stage, there is a missing persons case.

But rest assured, we have some of our finest detectives on the job.

This is such a waste of time.

I mean, they've... they probably weren't even kidnapped.

Missing persons?

It's... ridiculous.

Even if they were kidnapped, as if they're gonna walk back in here.

Bloody ridiculous.

I really should change this profile picture.

Would you... would you try taking a new profile pic for me, all right?

I'm just... This doe-eyed hipster one thing doesn't...

I... I've ploughed that field.

Exhausted all the women in that market.

Did you just refer to yourself as a hipster?

Yeah, it's just, like, the whole little bad-boy thing going on there.

You mean your moustache? Is that what you're talking about?

- Yeah, absolutely. - THAT moustache?

- This one. - That one?

Yeah. Don't touch it.

I don't see how that's hipster at all. Why do you think it's hipster?

Well, it is, because I read this funny thing the other day

about the 10 reasons you are a hipster.

- And number one... - Yeah?

Number one is if you participate in Movember all year round.

I do that.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- Do you? - Yeah, it funny.

I've never known you to contribute to research for testicular cancer.

Testicles? Why did you say that?

Because it's about donating money to testicular cancer research.

- It's... it's not. - Isn't it?

No, it's just about growing a funny moustache

and wearing it around the office and giving everyone a laugh.

Then you trim it down towards the end of it.

See, this is the thing that kills me about these fad charities.

- It's... it's... - Did you say fag charities?

Sorry.

- Charities. - Right.

Everybody forgets what the cause is

and it's just about being zany in the office,

being a good ol' boy around the office.

It's about testicular cancer research.

Drop the zaniness, just donate to AIDS research

because you're a decent person.

Yeah.

They've pretty much cured that one, though, haven't they?

Pretty much not.

If I said to you "full-blown blah", full-blown something,

what'd be the next word you would think of?

- Full-blown... - Dickhead.

- No. Full-blown... - Fuck stick.

- No! Full-blown... - Arse face.

- Full-blown AIDS! - Right.

'Full-blown' doesn't go with anything else.

There's three other things I just thought of that go well.

I've never heard that in the same phrase.

You'll hear them a bit more from now on, I think.

Neddy and that new bloke got the package?

Mate, safe and sound out west.

- Any heat? - Nah, the cops are clueless.

- Just poking around the harbour. - Okay.

Who's gonna notice that we're missing?

I have no idea, Elizabeth.

Someone from your office.

Fiona or Marcus, one of them.

- They'll... they'll clue in. - No.

It wouldn't be someone from my office

because I work from home half the time,

I have several offices.

I think it would probably be, er, Claudia when she comes on Thursday.

But we're never there. We're never there on Thursday.

No, she'll notice when she doesn't get paid, darling.

She's auto-paid, darling.

No, there's got to be someone else.

Um, er...

Oh, Grace!

- Who's Grace? - Grace is my best friend.

- Grace is your best friend? - My best friend.

Darling, I have never heard you mention the name Grace

in the entire time I have known you.

Excuse me! Grace, I met her at French cooking class last year.

- Oh, that woman. - December.

- Grace. - Oh, yes. The melted hobbit.

That's disgusting.

- Darling, she has... - That is absolutely disgusting.

The worst work done on her face.

Darling, there's no need to lash out

because you don't have a best friend and I do.

- I don't have a best friend? - No, darling, you don't.

Really? Well, that is going to be news to Elliot Gough.

Elliot Gough?

Yes, darling.

Elliot Gough, my best friend.

When was the last time you saw Elliot Gough?

It doesn't matter how often I see him, Elizabeth.

The point is he's my best friend.

Oh, really? He's your best friend?

Tell me, how many children does he have?

Oh! We're gonna do a quiz now, are we?

- He has three children, darling. - And what are their names, darling?

Test me on the names.

You are... beyond...

William, Kate and Jack.

Oh, Jack? Jack?

- Yes, his youngest. - Oh.

- Adorable little thing. - Really?

So Elliot Gough has a son named Jack?

Yes.

So his name is Jack Gough, "Jack Off"?

- Oh... - That's his name?

I'm sure they don't say it like that.

I think we can agree it won't be Elliot Gough or his son, "Jack Off".

I'm not best friends with his children, darling!

That would be weird.

If I was keeping track of the children's names of all my friends...

"Ooh, what's your children's names? What's your children's..."

"What's... Oh, what's his name?"

- You haven't spoken... - I don't know his children's names!

- I don't need to know... - to Elliot Gough since 1995!

What his children's names are for him...

Keep it quiet down there!

God, now they're angry.

- What did you do that for? - You started it.

Yeah, keep it down!

Neddy, when do you reckon the boss is gonna call me?

I don't know, mate.

That's what we're waiting for.

So when he calls, we're gonna do the ransom call then, right?

- After he calls and lets us know? - Mate, we don't do the ransom call.

What do you mean we don't do the ransom call?

We don't do the ransom call.

We're the kidnappers, we've done the kidnapping,

someone else does the ransom call.

- Who does the ransom call? - I don't know.

I'm not the ransom call guy, otherwise I'd know.

I'm the kidnapping guy.

I'm a really good ransom caller as well, man. I'm really good.

Do you want to hear it?

- No. - Yeah, yeah.

I'll do it, you don't have to listen.

Why not just don't do it and I won't have to listen?

Hello. Yes, I am the kidnapper.

I have your people here. I will kill them.

You make a move. Ball is on your court. Ta-ta.

What the fuck is with that Indian accent?

Mate, that's it. That's the logic of it all, right?

- Ta-ta? - Like the English, colonial English.

Ta-ta. Right?

They're gonna know.

They're gonna not expect it to be a Subcontinent guy.

They're gonna expect it to be a white guy, right, doing an accent.

So, like, they're not gonna think it's me.

They're gonna look at me and they're gonna go,

"That guy doesn't sound Indian or Sri Lankan. That guy..."

No, they're not. They're gonna go, "It's an Indian guy."

They'll look at you, go, "A fucking Indian guy."

Racist.

They don't give a fuck if they're racist.

They'll go, "Here's an Indian guy on the fucking phone."

"Here's an Indian guy standing in front of me.

- "It's a fucking Indian guy." - They're not gonna think it's me.

They'll go, "Mate, he wouldn't be dumb enough"

"to put on an Indian accent as an Indian."

You know what else? I'm not Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.

So they've already fucked that up.

They'll be looking around going, "Hmm, who would be stupid enough"

"to put on an Indian accent?"

A white bloke.

Thinking ahead.

Forward planning.

How would you do it? You're gonna do a call. How?

I wouldn't do it.

- Yeah, but if you had to. - I don't have to.

But just imagine!

I wouldn't do a stupid fucking Indian accent!

Right, then, how would you do it?

It's not even intimidating. You do an intimidating accent.

Come on, just show me how you would do it.

How would you scare me? How would you intimidate me?

Give me the fucking... I'm gonna fucking do it now!

They're gonna fucking die! I'll fucking kill them!

Mate, if I got that call, I'd be scared.

But I wouldn't know what I was scared about.

- Anything turn up? - Negative.

Yes, I'm on the phone to him now, Lachy.

He's my boyfriend and you're my son.

I'm not taking sides.

Hang on. Just hang on a minute.

It's Lachy on the other phone.

He's... he's denying it.

So I... I don't know. It's just a mystery.

I... Well, hey, you can...

You're both just gonna have to wait until I get home

if you can't sort it out yourselves.

Beau and Lachy again?

Yeah.

Just standard World War III.

- Oh, standard. - Yeah.

Well, this time Beau thinks Lachy has done a turd in his work boot.

- So... - Okay.

There's obviously a turd in there.

Lachy knows nothing about it.

Beau thinks it's definitely Lachy's done it.

And we don't even know if it's a human turd.

It could be a dog turd.

We've had one good week

in the two months he's been living with us, I reckon.

You know, we had the incident with the sticky stuff in the toolbox

and then the hair in the sandwich.

- The pubic hair? - We don't know it was pubic hair.

Okay, yeah. Sorry, that's right.

- They just can't get along. - Yeah.

Now I'm just caught between Beau, my beau Beau,

you know, Lachy, and the turd in the boot.

You could always just take a bit down to the lab

and find out whose it is.

Oh, what? So I'll knock off tonight and then go home.

And, you know, instead of, like, just, you know,

putting the bag down and having a glass of wine or something and...

No, no, no!

I'll go to the work boot, get a bit of the turd out,

put it in a Ziploc bag and run it down to the lab.

That's... that sounds like a top night, that does.

That's a brilliant idea.

Well, it was just an idea.

Yeah. Would...

It would probably put a bit of closure

on the mystery, though, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

And they do owe me a favour, those boys at the lab.

Can you hang on a minute?

Yeah, have you still got it?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't touch it. Just leave it.

Maybe we should just do my profile picture,

you know, and get my gun.

- Oh, okay. - All right.

Maybe I should, um... Could I fire off a round?

- You reckon you could capture that? - We're not gonna do that.

- Maybe a... - Just hold it up.

You know, "The Deer Hunter" thing.

Yeah, what does he say when the guy's slapping him?

"Dickidy tie! Dickidy tie!"

- "Dick in a tie?" - No.

- Is that what you want to put? - Er, "Titty mau! Titty mau!"

- "Titty mau"? - Forget it.

You know, put it up in front, like, James Bond style.

- Like that, eh? - Close to your face.

Just a profile, profile. Sean Connery.

Lick it, lick it. Lick the whole length of it.

- Lick the full shaft of it. - No. I don't like...

- Okay, lose the gun. - All right.

All right, let's just go with the same idea.

You're a desperate... you're a desperado.

You know, you're on the run from the law. You're desperate.

You'll do anything.

You'll do anything. You're desperate for...

You're desperate to find something.

You're hungry and you're begging.

You're a desperate... desperate older man.

You're a desperate old man begging for love.

You're a desperate old man and you're begging love,

pathetically throwing yourself on the mercy of some...

- Errr! - Poor woman who is just...

Why would I do this? This is not the image that I was going for.

I think that's it. That's good actually.

- I'm not gonna use that. - No, that's it.

- Go back to the hipster one. - No, this is much better.

- Why? - Because it's you.

That's actually honest.

- That's not me. - Yes, it is.

That's not me.

You don't recognise it, but it is you.

And that'll attract the women you'll be most comfortable with.

- Which is not a bad idea. - No, that's a good idea.

To find the perfect match.

You know, you might not get a lot of hits.

- But the ones you get... - Will matter.

- Will be ready to accept you... - They'll stick.

- For what you are. - All right.

This.

God, these things are so soft.

My mum's booties.

Wait.

What are they doing, like, in this ransom house?

Like, did you bring them with you?

It's my mum's house.

This is your mum's house?

Yeah. Whose did you think it was?

I dunno. It feels like some kind of ransom house.

Ransom house? How do you get a ransom house?

Go up to a friend, say, "Can we kidnap some people"

"and put 'em down in your house?"

Where's your mum?

Mum's gone.

Gee, sorry to hear that, mate. When did she pass?

Hey?

When did your mum pass away?

Oh, she's not dead.

She's in a home.

Hardest thing I ever had to do.

The mind goes, doesn't it?

Oh, no, Mum's perfectly fine.

That... that made it harder.

Body? Like, she's in a wheelchair?

Like, arthritis? Just...

No, she's a health nut.

Still walks to work.

She walks to work?

Well, yeah.

I've got her car, so she has to.

Got, like, a little... little job? Canteen or something?

No, she's full-time.

How old is she?

57.

She's in a home and she's 57?

Well, there's never a good time.

Well, think about it.

You think you want to put your mum

through this kind of traumatic experience

when she's lost her marbles?

She won't even know what the fuck's going on.

This way, you can actually sit down

and have a reasonable conversation about it,

go, "Mum, you're going in the home."

So does she like it? She's having a good time?

Well, none of them like it.

I don't know how to say this, but I don't think she should be in a home.

We all make sacrifices, mate.

I've got to look after the house.

Got to look after her car.

That's life.

Car 72, please report.

- Car 72, please report. - Yeah, nah, that's April.

- I'll take that. - It doesn't...

Car 72, come in.

April, this is Detective Stokes here, not Hendy.

So no need for concern.

I know things got a bit weird between you there, so it's okay,

if you have any future correspondence you can deal directly with me.

Er, er... this... this is Hendy.

Car 72. No activity.

Thank you. Copy that.

Oh, Jesus.

- What's going on there? - Oh, it's just... it's awkward.

Oh, sounds awkward.

What... what happened?

April and I had a little misfire, as you remember.

After that, we got back in touch,

kind of started seeing each other, really casual, right?

And my car was in the shop and he'd just texted,

and I remembered he had the four-wheel drive, and so...

She goes, "Hey, my family's got a coast house.

- "Wanna come away for the weekend?" - "So I can have a lift."

So I can get a lift, totally.

We get there, right, on the Friday night,

whole family's there.

Ooh.

Anyway, the next morning we went for a swim in this creek nearby.

And we get there, we all take our clothes off, jump in.

- We're just splashing around... - What, just nude?

- having a nice time. - The whole family, nude?

Yeah.

- Completely nude. - Oh, God!

- Middle of the day? - Mate, it was bright summer.

Bri... Like, there was no shade. Everything was in HD.

- I just couldn't... - Ohhh!

It was like, "Oh, God!"

So it was, like, a nudie area?

No, it wasn't a nudist area.

This other family nearby

sees what's going on, pack up their stuff, leave.

And then we started the water Olympics that we do,

which is so fun, we got, like, um...

- That's in the nude too? - Yeah. It's all in the nude.

And they're all like, "Come on, Hendy!"

"Take your swimmers off! Come on! It's fun!"

- No! - No.

The dad comes up behind me, completely dacks me

and smacks me on the arse.

- Ooh! - It was hysterical.

Fuck, it was funny. But he got right into it.

And then, you know, you have handstand competitions, tunnel ball.

We're up on the bank playing tunnel ball, Granddad's right in front of me.

- You're at the back. - Oh, God!

Just looking right up the tunnel.

We all took turns looking at each other's bits.

- It was abuse. - Hmm.

We got, like, piggyback wrestling, and I'm on my dad's shoulders

and Mum's on Hendy's shoulders.

- Oh, what was that like? - Like a sodden taco.

Ohh.

We're all getting along, and then I start to notice

that Hendy's just, like, staring at something.

And I follow his eye line.

He's staring at my dad's dick.

Staring at your dad's dick?

Staring at my dad's dick.

At some point there we're playing Marco Polo. "Marco! Polo!"

I'm like, "Fuck this. I'm out of here." I leave.

- Fair enough. - Back to the house.

"Meet you later, weird family."

Anyway, later, in the bedroom, I sat him down.

I was like, "Can we just talk about the elephant in the room here?"

And she's like, "Hey, Hendy, I know today was a bit weird."

- Yes. - "Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit weird."

"Thanks for saying so, April." And she goes...

"Look, I know my dad's dick's bigger than your dick"

"and it doesn't matter to me."

- Oh. - Oh? Oh?

Yeah, now I understand why it was so weird now.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- That her dad's dick's bigger. - No!

- That's weird. - No, that's not the poi...

Did you hear everything that I just said?

They were nude and forcing me to be nude, and all the...

That's the weird thing.

But it was... bigger?

- He's not circumcised. - Oh.

Interesting.

I didn't ask for that point of, um, detail, but all the same...

The point is she's got a weird family, she's the weird one.

This isn't about me or my dick.

And it actually just kind of ruined the weekend.

After that, it was like, "What's happened to him?"

- Like he just... shut down. - Hmm.

I can understand why things are tense.

- But was it bigger? - No further comment.

All right, all right. Not even a little...

No.

Let's leave it at that.

- How about his balls? - Lower.

- Yeah? - They were lower.

- You'd see that. - I did.

There's gonna be someone who's gonna notice

or someone who's gonna, um...

- Silly how hard this is. - Yeah, a little...

- Um, er... er... - Oh.

No, no, no. I've got it.

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.

It's... it's, um...

- You don't have it. - I do, I do.

- I've got it. - Do you have it or not?

- Because otherwise I'll say one. - Just give me a minute.

Just give me a second.

Um, it would be, um...

My brother, I haven't spoken to for...

God, years.

Er... Mmm.

It's moments like these you wish you had parents who were alive.

- Um... - My mother IS alive.

Well, I know she's technically alive.

But she's certainly not someone who's going to notice us missing.

I mean, she wouldn't notice if her teeth were missing, darling.

Okay, you know, Bernie, please.

Who else? Um...

I've got it, I've got it. Of cou...

- Who? - The kidnappers.

The kidnappers. They have to get their money, their ransom.

They will contact someone and make demands

and that person will then realise and we will be set free.

Darling, I think you solved it.

Wait, who will the kidnappers contact?

- That's it. - Oh, no, wait.

Can I do it?

- Come on, please, please. - Go on, go on.

Great!

- Hey, boss. - You've done it?

Yeah, it's done. It's totally done.

Yeah. Right.

Downstairs. Downstairs. They're both tied up.

And, um, safe and sound. They're not going anywhere.

They?

The husband and the wife. They're both tied up.

What the fuck you saying?

You got them both?

Yeah, yeah. I got 'em both. Got 'em both, right here.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Who the hell is gonna pay the fucking ransom?

- N... - Hey? Oh, Jesus fucking...

Yeah, right. No, I thought...

You don't get paid to fucking think!

What?

He said to get one.

One?

He... he said... he said, "They?"

And I was like, "Yeah, the husband and wife."

And, like, that's what... He said, "Not they. Just the wife."

But when he told me when he... to do this job,

like, he was, like, "Go get her."

But then when he wanted both of us to do it,

I was like, "Obviously, you're gonna get one and I'm gonna get the other."

But then, like, right now, he's saying to me,

you know, he's meant to pay the ransom.

So, like, how's he gonna pay the ransom when he's down there and...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

No, look, look. Neddy, I'm sorry.

I didn't realise. I just...

They don't sound happy.

No, no, no. This isn't good.

Doolans now missing 36 hours.

Car 72 maintaining surveillance.

Oh, Jesus, listen to this.

"An intoxicated Burrows, who earlier in the day was man of the match

"in the victory that sent his team to next week's grand final,

"was celebrating at a team-mate's house

"when he performed acts of a sexual nature

"with an array of tropical fish,

"including neon tetras, angelfish, clown fish and fire eels"?!

Oh, Jesus, that doesn't sound good.

Oh, apparently there's a video. Do you wanna watch the video?

No, I don't want to watch the video, alright?

Come on, mate, you love this stuff.

Well, maybe I'm just a bit too old for this stuff now.

Maybe, you know, I'm a little more discerning in my taste.

I'm not interested in trash.

Oh.

Alright.

Car 72, please report.

Uh, car 72, no activity.

No activity at all?

Yep.

Not even in the glove box?

- Better check the glove box. - I'm not gonna open the glove box.

I don't know what this is about, but you'd better check.

- Just check the glove box. - Alright.

- Whoa-whoa. - Oh-hooo!

- Hey! - Happy birthday!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Stokes ♪ - ♪ Happy birthday, dear Stokesy ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ - Thank you.

- Hip-hip. Hooray! - Hooray!

- Hip-hip. Hooray! Hip-hip. Hooray! - Hooray! Hooray!

- Speech. - Oh, you know...

- Speech. - Thanks, guys.

- I thought you'd forgotten. - Did he get the cake?

Oh, yeah, there's a cake. There's cake. Get it.

- Look at that. - He's got it.

- Got a little cherry on top. - Yeah.

Thank you, Carol, it's very nice. Oh, I've popped your cherry, Carol.

Oh, oh, no, I didn't.

Anyway, look, let me just say 48 years ago in Maitland,

I was a little over...

- 48? I thought you said he was 50. - I thought he was 50.

- You're not 50? - No, I'm 48.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry, I thought 50.

Sorry.

- Well, I, you know, appreciate... - No, no, no, no.

No speech for 48, mate. Let's just get back to work.

Keep the airwaves clear.

Car 72, no activity.

You wanna watch this Burrows video now?

Oh, absolutely.

Onya, mate.

- Meat-heads, look at them. - Meat-heads.

- Time and time again. - Yep.

- Is the boss okay? - Yeah, he's fine, mate.

He sounded pissed off, mate.

He's pissed off but he'll call us back.

Fish have got a 3-second memory anyway, you know?

And what's to say the eel didn't enjoy that?

Look how he's got hold of its head like that.

- Oh! - Oh, Jesus Christ!

Come on!

- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Okay, the eel did not enjoy that. - No, it didn't.

Oooh.

Animal!

- Ohhh. - God, why would you even... Ah!

Two become one.

- How does it not, um... - They don't have teeth.

- Oh, don't they? - No, just clamp on with their gums.

- Like that. Mmm. - Oh, gummy eel.

- It's kinda perfect in that sense. - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, he's getting slammed on Twitter.

#FeelTheEel.

#PaedoEel.

- Was it a young eel? - No, I think it's just a joke.

- #SexualEeling. That's good. - That's clever.

That's... I mean, that's the beginning of the end,

that trial by social media.

You know, it used to be that the police would hand down punishment.

We would enforce the law, you know?

Now it's just all in the hands

of a whole lot of dickheads with smartphones.

Totally.

- Why would he do that? - Well, he's got to, mate.

- He's... he's got to do that? - It's a team bonding thing, mate.

How's that bonding?

- Alright, imagine this, alright? - Alright.

You and I here, we're fucking a cow, right, you and me.

- A cow around here? A cow? - It's hypothetical, mate.

Can we use something else instead of a cow?

- A fucking sheep? - No, no, no.

- Okay, you pick a fucking animal. - Alright, flamingo.

Great, it's a flamingo. Right? Happy with that?

- Pink, female, awesome. - Right? Okay, you and me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing, mate?

- We're fucking the flamingo, mate. - Here?

I've got this end, you get that end, okay?

Fucking a little flamingo, right?

No, you're giving it to him too. It's not just me. It's a group exercise.

- I've got to fuck the flamingo? - Okay, here we go.

Hey, hey, flamingo, here you go, want some of this?

- Hey, guess what we're doing. - Uh...

What are we doing? Buddy?

- Hey, fucking a flamingo, mate. Yeah? - Yep.

Yeah, getting right on there.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, fuck that flamingo!

- Shit. - Fuck it, mate! Stuff it all up!

Oh, fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck that fucking flamingo.

Hey, brother, look! Look! Hah! Fucking a flamingo, yeah?!

We're fucking a flamingo! Fuck it! Yeah, oh, you fucking...

- Yeah, you fucking prick. - Oh, shit.

- Right? - Yep.

- Got it? - Got it.

- Because we just... - We've got a bond, mate.

We fucked a flamingo. We crossed that line.

We crossed the line.

We've broke down the barriers of society.

We crossed the line that everyone else in the world deems uncrossable.

- Right. - Right?

Yeah, 'cause you know I fucked a flamingo so now you've got it on me.

- We've got a secret on each other. - It's not a fucking blackmail thing.

- Isn't it? - It's a bond thing.

It's like a philosophical thing. Okay, look at it this way, right?

No-one else in the world fucks flamingos, right?

Everyone else in the world is looking at you, going,

"You filthy pig-fucking flamingo-fucker," right?

I'm copping it, I'm fucking walking down the street,

"Hey, there's that fucking flamingo-fucker!"

- Right? - Yeah.

You and I come back together at training?

"Fuck, oh, fuck, what a tough day. Tough fucking day."

"Did you get all that flamingo fucking stuff?"

- Yeah, yeah. - "Fuck, me too. Fuck."

"Brother, you and I together against the world, mate."

Whistle goes. Peew-wit! Fucking kick-off.

They've gotta fucking do it, mate.

Bonding, right?

Can't win games if you don't bond.

Looking for an update on Bandicoot.

Yeah. What, the yoghurt? Oh, it could be off but give it a sniff.

Well, you can eat it if you want.

Alright, try to wait up, will you? Alright, ciao.

Funny, she is.

- This one of your Tinder girls? - Yes, my latest conquest. Linda.

- Is she at your house? - Yeah.

- Are you serious? - Absolutely serious.

I haven't heard about this one.

I was just waiting until things, you know,

firmed up a little bit before I spilled the beans.

- They sound pretty firm. - Well...

- Let's hear it. - Okay.

Well, we, uh... I took her out on this fantastic date, right?

And then out of nowhere, right, and this never happens to me,

she just drops the question and says, "I wanna come back to your house."

- Really? From zero to 100? - Yeah. Let's get amongst it.

We go running up through the city streets

like we're racing to get home.

She knew all these little back streets. It was amazing.

The whole way she's just, like, chattering on,

like, one minute it's the government and then it's conspiracy theories.

Anyway, we're back at my house, right?

And she's like... She looks beautiful, you know, windswept.

And she's got this little autumn leaf just tucked into her hair here.

And I just kind of pulled it out

and kissed it and let it fall to the ground.

- Yeah? - She laughed.

And I'm going in and we're just about to... just about to kiss...

And she goes, "Whoa! I wanna take this slow."

So, anyway, we, um... we go to bed,

no touching or anything because that's how she wanted to play it,

wake up in the morning and have breakfast.

And that was five days ago.

- And she's still there? - Yeah, still there.

- And you still haven't done anything? - No, not yet.

But like the... It's... Like, the atmosphere is fecund in the room.

- You can smell it. - Right.

Let me ask you this.

- Has she left the house? - No.

Pretty much just holes up in my room.

- Good appetite or...? - Well, you know, it's not too bad.

She doesn't leave anything on her plate.

Right.

- She loves soup. - Does she?

Does she ever change clothes? Many outfits, or...?

She hasn't been home so, you know, she only came in the one outfit.

- She mainly just wears my shirts. - Ha-hah.

She looks great.

- How does she smell? - Normal.

How did she smell on the first night?

I can't recall.

I don't quite know how to say this to you,

but... it sounds a bit to me like you've taken in a homeless woman.

No.

Think about it, she doesn't leave because she's got nowhere else to go.

She's got a fridge full of food, daytime TV.

She's wearing your stuff.

You said this never happens. Of course it never happens.

There's a reason for it. Back streets, you didn't know the way.

She had leaves in her hair!

But I met her on Tinder, she had a phone.

Yeah, she's homeless, she's not phoneless.

Prepaid plan, 10 bucks a month, five nights accommodation.

- That's not a bad deal. - Oh, shit!

Come to think of it, she's always commenting on how soft my bed is.

- How soft YOUR bed is? - Yes.

- The one I bought with you? - Mmm.

Mate, there's one thing firmer than that mattress, and that is...

- Concrete. - Probably what she's used to.

Oh, shit!

- She sleep on the floor? - Yes, all the time.

- Checkmate. - Oh, God.

- I'm having an anxiety attack. - It's alright. Hey, it's alright.

Hey, hey, hey, Stokes, Stokes.

- What? - Here's what we're gonna do.

Tonight after the shift, I'll come back with you,

I'll take care of it for you, I'll get her out of there.

Maybe on the weekend we'll get a new mattress for you too.

Yeah.

Surveillance pushing further east.

- Copy that. Um, travelling. - Affirmative.

Darling.

What now?

I just want to say, if they get sexual, just... look away.

Don't put yourself through it, okay? Just look away.

It's not going to get sexual, darling.

I don't think it's that type of thing.

- But, okay, yep. - I don't want you to get upset.

And if it ends up getting sexual...

In the unlikely event that it gets sexual, I will look away.

And likewise.

Likewise?

Likewise, if it gets sexual with me,

then I'd probably prefer you to look away as well.

What's so funny about that?

Really, darling, I don't think there's any threat of that.

- I think you're safe. - Oh, really?

Why? Is that because I'm disgusting? That's really lovely.

That's... that's great. Thanks, darling.

Darling, I'm just saying I think you're safe.

- I think you're gonna be okay. - Because you know them?

You know their preferences, you know what they're into, do you, darling?

Darling, I think if I was a betting woman,

I would be betting on me rather than you, okay?

Okay, Elizabeth, uh, no offence, but I'm gonna say it.

This is a little bit homophobic, what you're saying now.

- I am the furthest from homophobic. - I was gonna go with narrow-minded.

I don't know, I don't know. It's 2016.

- I know what year it is, darling. - Elizabeth, I'm work...

Stephen from work just went to New York and married a man.

What has that got to do...

What it's got to do with it is that the world is a different place now

and anything can happen, and for you to jump to a conclusion

that there are two straight men in that room who wanna have sex with you

is a conclusion that is very 1950s, that's all I'm saying.

19... Really, darling? Darling, I hope they come.

Get your head out of the last century.

I hope they come down

and they give you what you want, darling, I really do.

- And I will not look away. - Good.

- I will be absolutely present. - Neither will I.

- Great. - Enjoy. Have fun.

- Kidnappers! Kidnappers! - Oh! Can you please... Stop it.

- Excuse me! - Stop it.

- Elizabeth, shut up. - Bernie wants to ask you something!

- Oh, I don't want to ask anything! - He does!

- I don't! - Keep it down!

- That's fine. - That's your last warning!

Can you shut up, please?

Unidentified vehicle on nearby street. Probably nothing.

Stand-by, we'll call you back.

- Why is it being filmed, you know? - Yeah.

And where's the team-mate saying,

"Hey, Jarred," you know, "get your dick out of the eel"?

I don't... It's just...

- It's Beau's. - The stool in the boot?

- It's Beau's poo. - How can that be?

Wow.

- Maybe he's trying to set Lachy up. - Maybe.

Beau does do his business, you know, number twos with the door open.

- Is that a clue? - I don't know.

I-I don't think so. I think it's very refreshing, I think it's very open.

You know, he's got nothing to hide, doesn't need to shut the door.

Sure. Sure.

Maybe it was Lachy, though.

Maybe he somehow, I don't know, got Beau's... waste

and put it in the boot.

Oh, okay, so you're saying that Lachy, my son...

Yeah.

has somehow managed to, I don't know...

he made a contraption that's captured Beau's poo

or, what, he's gone in there and fished it out himself

and he's put it in the boot,

all the while knowing that I will probably take a sample of that,

run it down to the lab, find that it actually is Beau's poo,

and then I'll be thinking, "Beau is trying to set Lachy up"?

That... that's what you think happened?

Sorry, yeah. It was... it was just a theory.

Now that I've said that out loud...

I am thinking that that is possibly what's happened,

and I've got Lachy's name ringing in my ears.

Yeah.

I mean, if he submitted that as a project at school...

I mean, I'm not condoning it, but what I'm saying is a lot of...

Yeah, it's clever, yeah.

He's clever.

In breaking news,

the eel at the centre of the Burrows sex scandal has died.

Stay with us now for a Robert Palmer double play.

Needed to know that.

- Not a surprise. - Fail, eh?

- So where we you... - Oh, here we go.

when Robert Palmer died?

Robert Palmer's dead?

- What, you didn't know? - No!

Oh, I'm sorry. You okay?

- When did this happen? - Like, ages ago. Over a decade. 2003.

- You're kidding?! - I'm not kidding.

- Robert Palmer, the singer? - Dead. The singer.

- 'Addicted to Love'. 'Heavy Nova'. - 'Simply Irresistible'.

- Definitely dead? - Dead. Paris.

- How did he die? - Heart attack.

- Paris? - Dead. Deceased.

- How did I not know that? - I don't know.

Hang on.

Uh, car 72. Come in, over.

Car 72, copy that. Carol here.

Um, Robert Palmer, do you think he's alive or dead?

Alive.

Apparently he's not. Apparently he's dead.

April, did you know that Robert Palmer's dead?

Nuh.

It was a great album, though, wasn't it?

- Oh, yeah, good film clips. - Oh, hot.

'Simply Irresistible', that's one of my favourites.

- Oh, yes! - Just did myself some serious damage.

- Did you? - I did.

You know, I remember at 2 minutes 15, that was a highlight for me.

- Oh, that was the moment for you? - Yeah, it's, uh...

- Did you pause it? - Mmmm.

And sometimes to mix it up, I'd also stop at 3:43.

That was another highlight, just...

You know the way they're... I just love that.

- They were just... - Bored, thinking, "I hate you."

- Yeah, sort of vague contempt. - Yeah.

Not that they know who you are.

Listless nothingness, like the shark eyes, just dead.

- You like that, don't you? - Yeah. Yeah.

You've got that now. Do that.

That's it, that's just like them.

But, mmm, that kind of stuff really turns me on.

I just wanted to crack it and make it smile, make them want me a bit,

but, you know, they didn't... they didn't... they didn't reciprocate.

- You've got a type, don't you? - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

- Vehicle's rego cleared. - Copy. Out.

Do you like being a kidnapper, eh?

You've done this before, haven't you?

I've done a lot of stuff, yeah.

- What did you do before kidnapping? - Bit of standover work.

Security at a brothel.

- You worked at a brothel? - Yeah.

Did you get to, like, you know, touch 'em?

- Of course you do. You got to. - Really?

If you don't touch them, you offend them.

Why?

That's their job, that's what they do. They get touched.

You go around not touching them,

they'd feel a bit weird, like, not good enough or something.

- Were any of them, like, hot? - Oh, yeah.

Julia Roberts 'Pretty Woman' hot?

- Yeah. - Wow.

I mean, not all of them are hot but...

Well, there was one that wasn't hot at all, 70-year-old Nancy.

I mean, some blokes are into that kind of stuff. I'm not into it.

But I tell you what, she changed my life.

I was in a... I was in a loveless marriage for a long time.

- Yeah. - You know?

Lost the spark, we didn't touch each other anymore.

And Nancy took me in one day...

She said, "Look, I've got thousands of tricks"

"that I've accumulated over the course of these decades.

"Well, I can teach them to you. I'm a wealth of knowledge."

"Take them home to your wife, and who knows?"

"It might just fix your marriage."

I was a bit sceptical, of course, I was like, well...

You know, little by little I tried these moves on the missus,

and I'd just see the spark that fucking came up in her eye.

You know?

You see, I was giving her this attention, mate,

and I was fucking feeling like a champion, mate,

feeling like a champion.

And so I'd go back and, you know, get some more moves off the old lady,

and sooner or later, this marriage just blossomed,

completely blossomed, mate, you know.

Sitting there one day and looking each other in the eye

and simultaneously fucking came.

Never done that before.

Both tears fucking...

Fucking beaming, mate, happiest day of our life.

Happiest day of our life.

Did you tell your wife about this?

I don't need to tell my wife about Nancy, mate.

If I tell my wife that I've been fucking a 70-year-old prostitute,

she's not gonna be happy anymore, is she?

You're right, so Nancy saved your marriage.

Yeah.

Yeah. Then she died.

- What, your wife? - No, Nancy.

Oh.

Divorced my wife.

Ran out of tricks.

Car 72, please report.

Car 72, no activity.

So, he gives me my change.

There's a $10 note, $5 note and some coins.

How do you think he puts it in my hand?

Um, mmm, I guess notes, then coins.

- Notes THEN coins. - Yeah.

Oops, the coins slippy-slidey, fall down the thing.

- I see where you're going with this. - Yeah. Yeah.

- How hard is it? Coins then notes. - Yep.

- COINS then notes. - Coins, mmm.

Like, you've got a pouch there for coins,

you've got a claw there for notes.

- Pouch. Claw. Pouch. Claw. - Coins. Pouch. Coins.

- Pouch. Claw. Pouch. Claw. - That was built for it.

Oh, mate, if you designed a machine to receive change,

it would look just like a hand.

Ngoh-ohh. Gah-ohh.

We're the only country in the world who does it like that.

Everywhere else in the world that I've travelled, coins then notes.

Only here, notes, ee-ah-ung, coins.

Did you know that? We're the only country.

- Yes, I did. - How'd you know that?

Because you've told me this entire story before.

You went to the service station, you bought a sausage roll,

the guy gave you a tenner, a fiver and some coins,

and the coins slipped down into the chewie container.

Why didn't you stop me if I've already told you?

Because I didn't realise until you got to the end

about being in a different country.

We need new things to talk about. This is happening way too often.

Yeah, it certainly is.

Like your jet ski story, I've heard that about 15 times.

- Oh, that's a good one. - Not really.

- You wanna hear it again? - Nup.

Righto.

Moving units towards city. Car 22, okay?

Moving units, copy. Out.

Ooh!

- I've got a hearing to be, um... - What for?

To be reinstated into the active duty.

Shhh!

Allegations of sexual misconduct...

Alright, we just want a quick apology,

make a donation to the RSPCA and we'll all move on.

I take full responsibility

for my actions of last Saturday evening,

and apologise unreservedly to all involved.

- Wait for it. - Words can't express how awful I...

- Wait for what? - Mental illness.

felt at learning that the fire eel from the aquarium tank...

Is he crying already? It sounds like he's gonna cry.

You'd expect more from a big footballer.

This is something that I'd actually...

- Look at him, he's like actually... - Mental illness.

- He looks actually like... - Mental illness.

cause any more damage to this great club,

and that is why I'm standing down from next week's grand final.

Oh, fuck!

That... that's us who suffer, the supporters.

- Your team. - My team!

Oh, God, that's bad.

I have a problem with alcohol.

- That's... Mmm. - Oh, do you?

Or do the marine life in your area have a problem with your alcohol?

Hah, he sleeps with the fishes.

dealing with the pressure of the modern game.

Mental illness. Mental illness. Depression. Mental illness.

Here it comes. Mental illness, mental illness, mental illness!

I've battled depression my entire career.

They've gotta do it, mate.

Look, you know, I had no idea about that. You poor fella.

You had no idea, he had no idea until this morning

when they told him to say it in his press conference.

Well, it's not depression. You fucked an eel, mate.

- I'd like to... - Sorry.

I mean, what about his mate? Mate who filmed it.

That's fucking mental illness.

Well, that's it, I'm... I'm not even gonna watch the grand final.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, but you were never gonna watch it.

Please, don't confuse your apathy towards sports

with the sacrifice I will be making.

Alright. Sorry.

Fuck you, Burrows!

- You right, Lee?! - Sorry.

Walking here!

Once again, we suffer, the fans suffer.

Mmm, and the eel.

Well, I mean but after that, the fans suffer,

even more so because of the eel.

The eel suffered more than the fans ever could.

You know, if the eel was not in the right place at the right time,

the fans wouldn't suffer.

You sure you don't want to hear the jet ski story?

I feel like you're gonna say it anyway.

Okay, so I'm jet-skiing in tropical Fiji...

- No, you were in Bali. - Was I?

- Yes, you were in Bali. - Oh, right.

Anyway, they gave me a ladies jet ski, right?

- You okay? - Yeah.

- You're scratching. - No, I'm just...

You know, a bit itchy.

- What's going on? - Well...

In an effort to stay ahead of the old dating scene,

I've been consulting a few male magazines.

And, uh, they're all into this thing called manscaping.

- Oh, yes. I've heard of that. - That's right.

So, you know, I've been, uh, looking at a few designs.

Have you? What have you gone with? Lightning bolt? Tiger?

- No, love heart. - That's another way to go.

I figured that with my Johnson, it'd look like

Cupid's arrow going right into the heart.

- It's all the way around? - Yeah.

- On top and bottom? Underneath? - That was the hard bit.

You see, I had to put my ankles behind my head

and back up along the floor to the mirror to get that bit.

- Flexible hips, don't you? - Very.

It's quite difficult to do, though.

I'm a bit worried it looks like a... a deformed hedgehog.

Oh, 'cause you need to get the symmetry just right, don't you?

- That's right. - No angles in there, you'll ruin it.

- Let me have a look. - Really?

- Just the top, yeah. - All right.

- Oh, hang on. Yeah, yeah. Bit lower. - Mm-hm.

- That's fine. - Oh.

- That's better than I thought. - Let's hope the ladies like it.

Well, good luck.

Car 72, please report. Car 72.

Car 72. No activity.

Copy that, car 72.

- Has he sung you a song yet? - Who?

Lachy.

Oh, J... Jesus. I forgot he was there.

- Did you? - No, I remembered.

Uh, no. N-no songs from Lachy there. But he's going great guns there.

He's, uh... he's... he's got his headphones in, so everything's good.

No, I don't.

Uh... No, he don't.

Copy that.

I'm... sorry. That freaks me out.

What... Hey?

- What does? - Your hair, the cut.

- It's like looking in a mirror. - Oh.

- Looks exactly the same. - I wasn't trying to copy you.

Oh, no, no, no, it's... No. It's flattering.

- Okay. - Just a bit creepy.

Bit "Single White April".

Lachy? Sing the detectives a song.

I'm not singing a song.

I'm gonna count to three.

And if I get to three and you're not singing a song...

Carol. It's fine. He doesn't have to sing us a song.

But thanks for the thought.

Honestly, he... he's got the voice of an angel.

- You know, you're missing out. - What's going on with the song thing?

All right, Carol, car 72 out.

- Probably do your pants up now. - Hm?

Oh, shit.

Mate, there is no update. The package is just sitting there.

Where?

No, the package is totally compromised, mate.

- It's a strike-out. - Oh, shit.

We might have to call our friend in Hong Kong.

- Has he called yet? - No.

Got a bad feeling about this.

You have a bad feeling about this?

Do you think he's gonna come in, like, top us off?

- Like, put us down the bottom... - I don't know.

Jeez, you... you gotta come up with something.

- Me?! - Yeah. You've done this shit before.

- I haven't. - You're the one who fucked up.

You're the one who fucking grabbed two of 'em.

- I didn't fuck up. - Took the instructions and fucked it.

Ned, I got it, mate.

- What the fuck is that? - Adderall.

What do we need Adderall for?

Well, you know, like, it's... it's a drug for ADD.

- We don't have ADD. - We might have ADD.

Look, you know when I was driving trucks, right, dozing off,

I'd take one of these, couple of these, mate, focused, clear.

Problem-solving. Sudoku puzzles. Right, crosswords?

We're not fucking doing a fucking Sudoku puzzle, mate.

We're trying to fucking sort out this situation.

You're not getting my point, okay? Like... I can't do Sudoku puzzles.

But I'm, like, smashing them one at a time while I'm driving.

Taking a pill to find a solution isn't an actual solution.

- Maybe... - It's just taking a pill to find one.

Well, maybe it is a solution, maybe if we're at a point and a place

where in our minds, we're looking for a solution,

we might come up with a solution.

This is gonna help us get there.

It's not a solution, but I want to...

Go on.

Darling.

What?

- How long we gonna be here for? - Oh, I have no idea, darling.

I've never been kidnapped before. How would I know?

I don't know what they want, don't know where they've taken us.

I don't know who they are.

It's like when we watch "Game of Thrones", darling.

I know just as much as you do.

This has got to be something to do with

one of your shady deals or failing businesses.

I've explained this to you already a million times.

A couple of my companies haven't been doing so well. Okay, fair enough.

That has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Brexit.

- Here we go. Brexit. - Darling.

Your entire lifestyle is funded by me.

- Let's not forget that, sweetheart. - Okay, darling.

So let's not talk about failed businesses.

- Okay. - It's Brexit.

- "Brexit"? It's "Bregsit". - "Bregsit"?

"Bregsit". One word. You're breaking it up into two words.

No, I'm putting it together as one word. It's "Brexit".

- You're saying "Breg-exit". - Yes. That's what it is.

- It's "British exit". "Brexit". - No, it's "Bregsit".

You're saying "Bregsit" like it's some kind of breakfast.

- Bacon and Bregsit. - "Bregsit".

- Say it after me. "Bregsit". - I'm not saying it after you.

I don't think you can say it. It's "Brexit".

- It's "Bregsit". - It's "Brexit". "Brexit".

- "Bregsit". - You're saying "Bregsit".

I'm saying "Bregsit", how it's pronounced.

It's one word. "Bregsit".

- No, darling, it's "Brexit". - "Bregsit".

No, "Brexit". Just try and say it like that.

- "Brexit". - I'm saying it correctly.

- No, you're saying "Bregsit". - You're saying it incorrectly.

You're saying like you would say "Gregsit".

- "Brexit". - "Bregsit".

Oh, look, darling, I'm not gonna talk about Brexit anymore

if you can't say the word properly.

City east clear on southbound.

- Confirming visuals. - Copy. Out.

Sorry about, uh, all the, uh,

inappropriate conversation before, son,

about, you know, manscaping and everything like that.

I hope your... your delicate ears will handle that.

Don't think his ears are that delicate.

He's probably heard worse than that. I think he's done worse than that.

Didn't you hear he put... poo in...

Didn't you put poo in someone's boot, mate?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who... whose boot did you put the poo in?

Beau. Mum's boyfriend.

Why would you do that?

Dunno.

He's a 16-year-old kid. He doesn't know.

I didn't do stuff like that when I was 16.

You don't need reasons for that sort of stuff.

It's just... You don't think when you're that age.

It's just straight into the... crocodilian part of your brain.

- Done worse than that. - Oh, really? Do tell. Like what?

Jizzed in his thermos every day for four and a half months.

- Oh, Jesus! - Jizzed in his thermos?!

- For four and a half months? - Fucking hell, mate!

How many days is that?

That's like...

- Four and a half months? - Mmm.

4 times 30 is 120. Well, think about it.

- "30 days hath September, April..." - 93 workdays.

Workday... What about the weekends?

Well, no, workdays is when he takes his thermos to work.

Oh. Course. He'd have to, like, store up a load over the weekend.

I don't think he has any trouble with storage.

- He's got a big week ahead. - He's ready to go at any moment.

Wouldn't the... the coffee be dangerous, though, a bit hot?

I doubt he would have done it with the coffee right there, near his...

He would have put it before the coffee go...

Did you put it before the coffee goes in?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

See?

How do you get it into the thermos?

Well, let's think about it. That's the thermos shape.

That's all good. Screw-top, nice big opening.

- I see it. - Easy as you like.

Or he could have done it in his bedroom.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Put it in a cup.

And, you know, transported it down and put it in the... thermos.

Is that what you did, mate, you just took a cup,

put it in the cup and put it in the thermos there?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You'd have to get up early too to do it, because Beau's on the tools.

- Yeah. - Getting up at 4:00, 4:30.

Like, that takes real discipline, to get up.

- Set an alarm. - You set an alarm, Lachy?

- Yeah. - Yeah. That's good.

Wouldn't he... wouldn't he recognise the taste, though?

Not after a while. I mean...

Now, think about it, 93 days.

It'd taste weird now if he stopped doing it like that.

Be like, "Oh! Coffee tastes weird. What have you done to my coffee?"

You know?

Probably shouldn't do it anymore, Lachy.

- Time to stop? - Nah.

- Oh. - That's that.

We tried.

Car 21, looping back around the perimeter.

Oh, great.

That's useless.

- What happened? What is it? - Oh...

- I've put in for some extra shifts. - Yeah.

'Cause... I've got to take Beau to Fiji for a bit of a holiday.

- Nice. - Just give him some space from Lachy.

You know? I wanted some extra shifts.

- Mm-hm. - They've put me on with Lee.

Which Lee? Lee who?

Disabled Lee.

What's wrong with him?

He's a total wanker.

No, he's not!

I went to the disabled toilet the other day, right?

- Yeah. - I came out.

And he's just sitting there in his wheelchair.

- Yeah. - You know, "Hi, Carol."

I couldn't believe it.

- I know what that means. - Okay.

I mean, why can't disabled people wait for the toilet?

- Mm-hm. - Are their bladders disabled?

- No. - Yeah. They're already sitting down.

- Okay. - Oh, he's just on...

You know, like, he's on every committee.

He, like, organises all the social club stuff. He's just a tosser.

I don't know. I think he's... he's all right.

I've never... I've never had any weird run-ins with him.

Yeah. Yeah, 'cause...

Someone in a wheelchair couldn't be an arsehole, could they?

- I mean, you know, can't say that. - Well...

- Anyone can be an arsehole. - Yeah.

It doesn't matter what race, age, religion you are.

There are arseholes everywhere.

How about babies?

- Yes. Yes. Babies can be arseholes. - Really?

There's scientific proof.

- Is there? - Yeah.

- Babies born by caesarean section... - Yeah?

They couldn't even be bothered to go down the birth canal.

So, you know, once they're born, they're just...

They're just sort of some entitled little shit,

which then, obviously, grows up into an adult and becomes an arsehole.

I was a C-section baby.

- Is that right? - Yeah. Oh, he's coming. He's coming.

He's coming.

Hi, April.

- Hi. - Hey, Carol.

- Hi, Lee. - Here are last week's time sheets.

I've already put your hours in for you. Hope you don't mind.

Just thought you might want to have a look at 'em before I submit them.

- Yeah, no, they're all right. - I did some baking last night too.

So there's a nice lemon ginger Bundt cake in the kitchen.

- Promise me you'll try some. - Yeah. Sounds yummy.

Okay.

- Mmm. - Wanker.

- Sorry? - Hey?

- Did... Oh! Sorry. - I didn't say anything.

No?

- Yeah. - Cheerio.

Wanker.

"Lemon ginger Bundt cake".

Just... He's got such a chip on his shoulder.

- Feeling anything yet? - Nope.

- Have another one? Yep. - Yeah.

Oh, Lachy, you know, I was a bit of a tearaway when I was your age too.

Yeah, we've all done things we're not proud of. Haven't we, Hendy?

- Yep. - Yes. My word.

I mean, I remember when I was a young lad, I...

I had a, uh... a book I was very proud of.

It was... it was a girlie magazine.

- A nudie magazine, actually. - Really? Which one?

Uh, "Oui".

"Wee"? "Wee"?

No, like as in... as in the French word "oui".

- Oh, "oui". Yeah. - Oh, "wah". Yeah.

Very fond of a young lass on page 23 named Jacqueline,

who was kind of in this mysterious kind of...

- She would cover her goods here. - You couldn't see anything?

So you couldn't see anything.

And I liked the coy mysteriousness about it.

- It really took my fancy. - Mmm.

Anyway, we... I used to go up to Grandy and... and Papa's house

on the... up at Armidale for the school holidays, and...

this one particular time, I'm up there, and I... I'm bailed up on a...

on a hay bale in the corner of the shed with my... with my "Oui",

just fantasising about Jacqueline there, and, um,

anyway, I frolicked off down the... the fenced area

to play with some sheep,

and Grandma's ringing the... the triangle there,

goes, "It's dinnertime. Come in for your curds and whey."

So I walked in the front door, and she's standing there,

holding my "Oui", furious.

She says, "Whose filth is this?"

I almost shit myself, you know. I was so terrified.

'Cause she was into corporal punishment,

she being an ex... you know, the headmistress at the local school.

- Mmm. - She was to rail on me.

And then, out of nowhere, Granddad just pops up behind her,

and he goes, "It's my filth!"

- Did he? - Mmm.

She turns and she rails on him and starts smacking him about the head

and drives him towards the... the front door and says,

"Get out of my house with your filth,"

and flicks the magazine at him.

He... he gave me a little wink on the way out,

just as if to say, "I'm on your side, son."

Really?

Anyway, Granddad comes back from the pub, you see, very late at night,

but Grandma, she's locked the front door.

You see? Which is rare. You don't do that in the country.

Particularly in those days.

- Crime rate, very low. - Mmm.

Actually, a lot of the times, you'd come home,

you'd have other visitors in your house,

they'd already have the fire going for you, before you...

and... and have half the table set before you'd, uh...

Does this have an ending, this story?

Yep. Anyway, she didn't open the door.

And he froze to death on the front porch.

- Fucking hell! - And I... found him the next day.

He was... he was blue.

He was, uh... he'd obviously been trying to keep himself warm,

'cause it was so cold out there, so he's kind of huddled up

in a little ball and... with his arms over...

here, and he... he just...

He just looked like Jacqueline on page 23.

Stokes, I had no idea.

You killed your granddad.

I didn't kill my granddad.

You were just a kid. You didn't mean to.

No. This... It had nothing to do with me.

- No, no. - I mean...

I mean, inadvertently, maybe, 'cause I brought the "Oui" magazine up,

but, you know... you can't...

You know, a little bit of cause-and-effect involved,

but there's no way you can point the finger at... at someone,

you know, who's... who's doing quite a natural teenage thing.

That's what I'm trying to... get across here.

I didn't...

Listen, you can't...

He ejaculated semen in a thermos.

I never killed anyone.

Put your headphones on, Lachy.

That's an order.

Little shit.

Operation Bandicoot.

Still no leads on the couple's whereabouts. Over.

I feel so focused now.

So clear.

- Do you feel clear? - Yep.

- I've got it. - Got what?

We'll let him go.

Soon as he gets out to fucking there, the street, fucking give him a call.

"Hey. Your fucking wife. We've got your fucking wife!"

"Motherfucker, we've got your wife..."

What's happening?

Something happening? Are they doing something?

Okay?

Don't answer it.

- We have to answer it. - Don't answer it.

Put it down. Put it down. Don't answer it. Don't answer it.

Ball's in our court.

- Right? - Yeah.

- Who's thinking clearly? - We are.

We're thinking clearly. Is he thinking clearly?

- How many Adderall has he had? - None.

- How many have we had? - A lot.

- Right. - Yeah.

So? We go see him, man to man.

Don't talk on the phone.

Got to look him in the eye with our Adderall eyes.

Give him the Adderall eye. Hey.

- Wow. - Hey, mate.

Here we are. Look. Hey. Who's got the golden egg?

- We have. - Who's got the golden egg?

- We do. - Who's got the solutions here?

- We have. - We have. Who needs the solutions?

- He does. We've got them. - He needs the solutions.

- Who's got them? We've got them. - We've got the solutions.

- He needs them. - He needs them.

- Who's got the upper hand? - We have.

- We're a fucking team, you and me. - Let's go do it.

Let's do this.

We're together.

Let's go!

Hey, hey! Um... Hold tight!

Hold tight!

Um, regroup at headquarters.

Copy. Travelling.

We'll head by Central. Out.

- April. - Hey, Lee. Hi.

- Internal mail. - Oh! Thank you.

Apple?

- Oh. Thank you. - Yep?

- Cheers. - Carol?

- No, thanks. - Banana.

Mandy. Here's one.

- No... fruit. - Okay. All right.

- Cheerio. - Thanks.

Oh, my God!

- What? - My appeal... was successful.

You know, from the... the tasering incident.

I'm back on active duty, like, effective immediately.

What, so you're leaving Dispatch?

Well, for now.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I knew you probably wouldn't be here for...

forever, but... just kind of got used to... having you around.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- We'll stay in touch and everything. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Just...

I might just put a mirror in here, for a new partner,

so when I turn, it's...

- Think it's you, 'cause the same. - The hair. Yeah.

No.

Knowing my luck, they'll probably put me with Lee.

Dickhead.

Carol?

I think Lee is a dickhead as well.

- Thank you. - That's all right.

I've got to... got to go call, um, Big Boy.

- My dad. - Your dad. Yeah, I know.

- It's your dad. - Oh. It's exciting.

Operation Bandicoot coming up empty thus far.

Nothing on the Doolans.

Nothing on our end. We'll go through the usual channels.

This has been going on for some time.

- Who have we got there? - Car 72 at house location.

Yeah, right. Unlikely to yield anything. Leave them there.

Copy that. We'll leave them there.

- This is a fucking waste of time. - Hey.

- No, it is. - Just steady on. Language.

Oh, 'cause of him? Mate, he's done far worse than you and I ever could.

Or have.

It's pointless.

What a shit night.

Nothing's happened. Nothing's gonna happen.

Silence is deafening.

Do you want to hear a song now?

Not really. No.

- Yeah. - Oh, really?

Well, let him sing.

Fine.

Yep. Okay, Lachy. We'd love to hear your song now.

Whenever you're ready.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Come yon virgin mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night... ♪

- Come in, Dispatch. - Dispatch here.

Car 54 here. We've got two bodies at the reservoir.

Uh, Caucasian male. Asian, possibly Indian, male.

Both 30s to 40s.

Single gunshot wound.

No ID. We've got them on ice. Um... I'll be at the morgue in 20.

Roger that.

♪ Heaven afar ♪

♪ Heavenly hosts sing "Hallelujah!" ♪

♪ Christ, the Saviour, is born ♪

♪ Christ, the Saviour, is born. ♪

I killed my grandfather.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Someone's here. Someone's here.

- You can hear it. You hear that? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

They're back.

- You want to sit in the chair? - No, mate, no.

I don't care where I sit. Sit on the couch.

You sit wherever you want. I'll sit wherever... wherever you don't want.

OK, well... I don't care.

- I don't really give a shit. - You sit in the chair.

I'll sit in the chair. You want the couch, sit on the couch.

I don't want the couch, but you sit in the chair.

Oh, well, I'm in the chair now, aren't I?

Where are they?

Downstairs.

- We'll check on 'em in a minute. - Okay.

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