Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

♪ I CAN FEEL THE HEARTBEAT GETTIN' STRONGER ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HEARTBEAT GETTIN' LOUDER ♪

♪ I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M SOME GREAT MAGICIAN ♪

♪ OR A FAMOUS PRIEST OR POLITICIAN ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW A BIT ABOUT LOVE ♪

♪ AND WHAT IT MEANS TO ME ♪

♪ AND WHAT I FEEL IN MY HEART ♪

♪ IS MY REALITY, YEAH ♪

♪ I CAN FEEL THE HEARTBEAT GETTIN' STRONGER ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HEARTBEAT GETTIN' LOUDER ♪

♪ I CAN SEE YOU CRYIN' THOUGH YOU'RE SMILIN' ♪

♪ YOU WERE SO ALONE, IT FELT LIKE DYIN' ♪

♪ WELL, I'LL LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE WAKIN' ♪

♪ AND HOLD YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP ♪

♪ I'LL BE THERE WHEN YOU LAUGH ♪

♪ HOLD YOU WHEN YOU WEEP ♪

[TUBA BLOWS]

IF I HAD TO PICK A BEGINNING TO THIS BIZARRE STORY,

I GUESS IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE DREAM.

YEAH, DEFINITELY THE DREAM. THAT'S WHEN IT ALL STARTED.

THAT'S ME, JEREMY CAPELLO,

SITTING INSIDE THE TUBA.

IF I APPEAR DISORIENTED,

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY A TUBA

OR ANY OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.

I'M NOT IN THE BAND.

THAT'S CANDY ANDREWS.

SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.

I THINK SHE LIKES ME.

BUT FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON,

I CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OFF DARLA BLAKE,

MUSICAL PRODIGY, JULLIARD CANDIDATE PERHAPS,

BUT NOT WHAT YOU WOULD CALL CENTERFOLD MATERIAL.

IN FACT, DARLA BLAKE ISN'T SOMEONE YOU WOULD CALL...

PERIOD.

THEN COMES THE NOTE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT I'M FASCINATED.

IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME...

SO I WENT FOR IT.

SUDDENLY, I'M IN THE GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM,

NO MAN'S LAND, THE FORBIDDEN ZONE.

I'D HEARD THE HORROR STORIES.

MEN CAUGHT IN HERE WERE CASTRATED

AND MADE TO PASS OUT TOWELS FOR ETERNITY--

A LIVING HELL I COULD DO WITHOUT.

AND THEN, I SEE HER.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.

IS THIS THE SAME DARLA BLAKE?

WITHOUT BEING TOO OBVIOUS,

I CHECK OUT HER BIRTHDAY SUIT.

SHE ASKS ME TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH HER.

I TELL HER I'M CLEAN, BUT SHE INSISTS.

"MAKE LOVE TO ME," SHE SAYS.

I TELL HER WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST.

I OFFER TO TAKE HER TO LUNCH INSTEAD.

I--I--I...

SUDDENLY, THERE'S A NEW BABE IN MY ARMS.

I'M SHOCKED.

I EXCUSE MYSELF AND ASK, "WHERE'S DARLA?"

SHE TELLS ME TO KISS HER.

I SAY, "WHO'S DREAM IS THIS, ANYWAY?"

I'M LOOKING FOR DARLA.

SHE TELLS ME TO KISS HER AGAIN.

I REFUSE.

THEN THINGS GET UGLY.

AAH! AAH!

AH!

AAH!

Police radio: ALL UNITS, 7885.

CODE 6 ON KIRBY AND WESTHEIMER.

ROGER. REPEAT LOCATION.

LEWIS, CALL YOUR SON. HIS EGGS ARE READY.

JEREMY.

GOOD MORNING.

Mom: GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, DAD.

MM-HMM.

MOM, I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, JEREMY?

I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT DAD LOOKS LIKE.

WELL...HE'S STILL A VERY HANDSOME MAN.

DAD...

YOU'RE BALD!

GOOD MORNING, MRS. CAPELLO, MR. CAPELLO.

GOOD MORNING, RALPH.

I CAN'T STAY FOR BREAKFAST, BUT...

WE'RE RUNNING LATE AS USUAL.

RALPH'S RIGHT.

OH, RALPH, THERE'S A SPEED TRAP

OVER AT THE MONTROSE OFF RAMP.

THANKS, MRS. CAPELLO.

DRIVE CAREFULLY, BOYS.

WE ALWAYS DO.

THE SAME DREAM, FOURTH NIGHT IN A ROW.

DARLA BLAKE?

HOW CAN YOU IGNORE CANDY ANDREWS,

WHO, INCIDENTALLY, IS HOT AFTER YOUR TAILPIPE,

THEN HAVE PERVERTED DREAMS

ABOUT FRIGID AND RIGID BLAKE?

IT'S NOT PERVERTED.

YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S NOT. IT'S BIZARRE.

OK. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH

TO WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD WET DREAM ON DARLA BLAKE,

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I SEE A SIDE TO THIS GIRL THAT NOBODY KNOWS EXISTS.

I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THIS DREAM OF YOURS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT LAID?

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

CAN'T YOU REMEMBER?

NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS,

BUT PETERSON'S PARTY. JENNY CICERO IN THE CLOSET.

REMEMBER?

YEAH. YOU BOUGHT HER A DOZEN ROSES

AND INVITED HER HOME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

SHE'S A NICE GIRL.

YOU'RE CONFUSING TRUE LOVE WITH COMMON HOUSEHOLD GUILT.

YOU NEED AN INCREDIBLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER

WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED, NO EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENTS,

JUST PURE, UNADULTERATED LUST.

THAT'S NOT ME.

IT COULD BE.

A CAREFREE ROMP IN THE SACK WITH BUT A SINGLE PURPOSE--

TO USE AND TO DEGRADE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

TO SATISFY YOUR OWN SELFISH PLEASURES.

SORRY. NOT INTERESTED.

SEX WITHOUT GUILT IS THE GREATEST.

HI, PAM.

BUT PICK A GIRL

WHO DOESN'T GO TO THIS SCHOOL.

Blondie: ♪ ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ♪

♪ I'M GONNA FIND YOU ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GET YOU, GET YOU, GET YOU, GET YOU ♪

♪ ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ♪

♪ I'M GONNA WIN YOU ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GET YOU, GET YOU, GET YOU, GET YOU ♪

♪ ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SEE YOU ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MEET YOU, MEET YOU, MEET YOU, MEET YOU ♪

♪ ONE DAY, MAYBE NEXT WEEK ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MEET YOU ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MEET YOU, I'LL MEET YOU ♪

♪ I WILL ♪

♪ DRIVE PAST YOUR HOUSE ♪

♪ AND IF THE LIGHTS ARE ALL DOWN ♪

♪ I'LL SEE WHO'S AROUND... ♪

HI, FLO.

HI, JEREMY. HE'S IN THE BACK.

THANKS.

HIYA, GEORGE. HOW MANY TODAY?

OH, THE USUAL. A DOZEN OR SO.

GEORGE, WHAT WOULD ALL THESE OLD LADIES

DO WITHOUT ME?

PROBABLY DIE OF CONSTIPATION.

HA HA.

YEAH.

I WISH I COULD MAKE A DELIVERY

TO SOMEONE WHO STILL HAD ALL THEIR TEETH.

GOT A NEW ONE FOR YOU TODAY.

OH, YEAH?

HIGHLINE DRIVE?

YOU SURE ABOUT THIS ADDRESS?

THAT'S THE ADDRESS SHE GAVE.

THIS IS THE OLD GARDNER MANSION.

IT'S BEEN DESERTED FOR YEARS.

IT'S A DUMP.

WAIT A MINUTE.

NO POLYGRIP, NO GERITOL,

NO DEEP-HEATING RUB?

GEORGE, WE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A JOKE.

Woman: COME IN.

WHOA!

HELLO.

GROCERIES!

HELLO.

HELLO?

HEY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!

HI.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY, HUH?

THIS COMES TO $13.49.

I CAN TAKE A CHECK,

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE SOME I.D.

OW!

ARE YOU HURT?

I'M AFRAID NORA'S A BIT NERVOUS AROUND STRANGERS.

IS ANYTHING THE MATTER?

UH...NO.

UM...I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

I'M NOT SURE.

YOU'RE BLEEDING.

I FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

LET ME SEE.

UH...IT'S REALLY JUST A SCRATCH.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND SCRATCHED MY FINGER,

MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS KISS IT.

MY MOTHER USED BAND-AIDS.

I--I-- I'VE GOT ONE

IN THE CAR.

HOW'S THAT? BETTER?

MUCH BETTER.

UM...

I HAVE TO GO.

JEREMY, DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?

VERY.

I HAVE TO GO. MORE DELIVERIES.

I LIKE YOU, JEREMY. CAN YOU COME BACK LATER?

Y-YOU WANT ME TO COME BACK?

HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

I--I--I REALLY REALLY HAVE TO GO.

AROUND MIDNIGHT?

I'M A NIGHT OWL.

UH...NIGHT OWL.

SHE SUCKED YOUR WHAT?!

Finger, you jerk.

MY FINGER!

HE LETS HER GET AWAY.

THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD HAPPENING.

SHE'S THE WOMAN IN MY DREAMS.

GREAT. THEN SHE'S PERFECT.

NO, SHE'S NOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS.

THE WOMAN IN MY DREAMS.

SHE KNEW MY NAME.

SO WHAT?

I DIDN'T TELL HER MY NAME.

THIS IS LIKE AN OMEN FROM GOD.

YOU LIKE THIS WOMAN, RIGHT?

THERE'S AN ATTRACTION?

A SEXUAL ATTRACTION?

YEAH. I GUESS SO.

PERFECT.

COULD YOU IMAGINE MARRYING HER?

NO.

PERFECT. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

GO FOR IT, MAN.

NO.

I PROMISE NOTHING WILL GO WRONG.

I'LL DRIVE.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

DO IT, NERD!

OH...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.

PERFECT.

SHE'S STILL UP, STUD.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN

THIS WILL MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON?

IF NOTHING ELSE, YOU'LL SLEEP BETTER.

NO MORE NIGHTMARES ABOUT DARLA BLAKE.

WHAT IF I MISINTERPRETED THE ENTIRE SITUATION?

JEREMY,

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SUCKED YOUR FINGER

AND BEGGED FOR MORE.

THIS IS A DATE WITH DESTINY.

NOW GET IN THERE AND ENJOY IT!

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN. HA HA!

NO, I'M KIDDING.

RELAX. YOU LOOK GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE GOES NOTHING.

PROFESSOR, SHOULDN'T WE WARN HIM?

NO. MAYBE HE'S ONE OF THEM.

BUT WHAT IF HE ISN'T?

[WOLF HOWLING]

PROFESSOR, WHAT IF HE ISN'T ONE OF THEM?

EITHER WAY, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

HELLO.

HELLO.

IT'S ME.

HELLO.

[MEOW]

[MEOW]

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

[MEOW]

UP THERE?

YEAH?

WHY AM I TALKING TO A CAT?

HELLO.

HELLO, JEREMY.

I, UM... THE DOOR WAS OPEN.

I...I CALLED OUT, BUT--

I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

OHH, BOY.

GO AHEAD, LOOK AT ME, JEREMY.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

OHH...

WHO SAID DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE?

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

UM...I WANT YOU TO KNOW, UM...

THAT I'M USUALLY NOT THIS FORWARD WITH WOMEN.

JEREMY.

SHIT.

WHAT DO I DO?

[CRASH]

JEREMY.

JEREMY.

HURRY.

YOU ARE THE MOST INTENSE, GORGEOUS WOMAN

I EVER MET.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

CALL ME NORA.

NORA?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR CAT'S NAME.

WHATEVER.

[CREAKS]

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING ANYONE, ARE YOU?

STOP THIS OBSCENITY!

OH, GOD. OH!

GET HIM!

HEY, YOU! HEY!

HEY! STOP! HEY--

HEY! I KNEW IT!

DRIVE!

OHH.

WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?

SCREW MY CLOTHES! LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

AHHH!

MILTON HIGH SCHOOL, HUH?

WELL, WE'LL SEE.

PROFESSOR!

PROFESSOR!

[WOMAN SHRIEKING]

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT!

I'M HAVING THE MOST INTENSE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE

AND SOME WILD MAN KICKS THE DOOR DOWN.

WHO WAS HE?

HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND.

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY?

I SAW THIS WHITE VAN, BUT WHAT COULD I DO?

COME ON. THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD STICK TO YOUR DREAMS.

YOU'RE NOT READY FOR REAL LIFE YET.

HA HA HA.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT, OK?

WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS.

NO. OF COURSE NOT.

THIS WASN'T ONE OF MY PROUDER MOMENTS.

HEY, YOU'RE BLEEDING.

WHAT? OH, MY GOD.

WOW! LOOKS LIKE BITE MARKS.

HEY, I AM IMPRESSED.

TOLD YOU. SHE WAS INTENSE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LATER, MAN.

SEE YOU LATER.

WATCH YOUR SHEET.

HA HA HA!

WHAT NOW, PROFESSOR?

FIRST, WE FINISH HERE,

THEN WE LOCATE THE YOUNG MAN.

WHAT A NIGHT!

GO!

[HOWLING]

[BARKING]

HEY! HEY!

[BARKING]

[WHIMPERING]

JEREMY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED YOUR BREAKFAST.

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

LEWIS, JEREMY WON'T EAT HIS BREAKFAST.

EAT.

DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK A LITTLE PALE.

I'M FINE.

I'M JUST TIRED.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR NECK?

UH...I CUT MYSELF SHAVING.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. CAPELLO,

MR. CAPELLO.

I'M STAYING HOME TODAY.

YOU BETTER GO ON WITHOUT HIM.

I THINK HE'S CAUGHT SOMETHING.

I'M OK...SORT OF.

I'M JUST NOT HUNGRY.

ANY SPEED TRAPS TODAY, MRS. CAPELLO?

LUMKIN STREET AND FOUNTAIN.

THANKS.

SEE YOU LATER, PAL.

NOW, MAYBE IF YOU'D EAT SOMETHING--

MOM, PLEASE. I'M NOT HUNGRY.

ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD. STARVE YOURSELF.

SEE IF I CARE.

Police Radio: WE HAVE A CALL BACK.

HEY.

YOU DON'T FEEL WARM. I DON'T GET IT.

I HAVE TO GO.

BUT YOU'RE SICK!

DAMN!

WELL DONE, GRIMSDYKE.

YOU MANAGED TO HIT THE WALL.

SORRY, PROFESSOR.

DO YOU THINK WE'RE PLAYING GAMES HERE?

THE FATE OF THE HUMAN RACE IS HANGING IN THE BALANCE.

SORRY, PROFESSOR.

IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE CORRECT,

AND THEY ALWAYS ARE,

20% OF HUMANS WILL BE INFECTED BY 1990.

WITHIN THE NEXT DECADE,

WE'LL HAVE LOST THE ENTIRE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT.

BY THE YEAR 2000...

VAMPIRE ARMAGEDDON.

DAMN!

LUCKILY FOR US, THERE'S STILL TIME

WHILE THE THREAT IS STILL CONTAINABLE,

LOCALIZED.

SOMEDAY,

WE'LL BE REVERED AS HEROES, YOU AND I.

MEANTIME,

THE TEENAGER IN THE RED CONVERTIBLE MUST DIE.

WHAT ABOUT CASEY BOLGIN? WOULD YOU DO IT WITH HIM?

NO WAY! I HATE JOCKS.

WHAT ABOUT MATT NEWBURY?

GOD, I GET HOT JUST MENTIONING HIS NAME.

HE'S TOO STATUS CONSCIOUS.

DARLA, YOU WOULDN'T DO IT WITH ANYBODY.

WELL...

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT TOM CRUISE?

YOU CAN PUT HIM DOWN AS A MAYBE.

ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE HE'S NOT HERE.

HI, JEREMY. I HEARD YOU WERE SICK.

YEAH, HE HAD A BAD NIGHT.

EXCUSE US PLEASE.

RALPH, WE NEED TO TALK.

THAT GIRL'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T GO FOR HER.

NOT NOW, RALPH.

WELL, PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT GUY?

WHY?

HE KEEPS STARING AT ME IN ALGEBRA.

OOH, THAT'S JEREMY CAPELLO.

DON'T TELL ME YOU WANT HIM.

VERY FUNNY, GLORIA.

WE ARE IN DEEP SHIT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LAST NIGHT AFTER WE LEFT THE GARDNER PLACE,

SOMEBODY TORCHED IT.

THE POLICE THINK IT WAS ARSON.

DON'T YOU SEE? WE WERE THERE.

YEAH, BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WE WERE THERE...

EXCEPT THE GUY WHO BUSTED IN ON YOU.

RIGHT. EXACTLY. WHAT IF HE SETS US UP?

WHO'S GOING TO BELIEVE A COUPLE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS?

LET'S CALM DOWN, OK. LET'S NOT PANIC.

RALPH, I THINK SOMEONE'S FOLLOWING ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO?

I DON'T KNOW. SOME GUY.

MAYBE A COP.

COPS.

OUR LIVES ARE OVER.

WE'RE TALKING PRISON.

WE'RE TALKING HOMOSEXUAL RAPE

BY CONVICTS NAMED BRUNO.

HEY! LISTEN... WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

WE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

RIGHT?

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

THERE IT IS, PROFESSOR.

THAT'S THE DEMON'S CAR. REMEMBER?

BE PATIENT, MY FAT FRIEND. WE'LL GET HIM.

PARK OVER THERE.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

HERE, I CAN'T DRINK THIS.

I THOUGHT CHERRY WAS YOUR FAVORITE.

NOT TODAY.

THAT'S HIM.

FOLLOW THEM.

DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY!

DAMN!

TELL ME THAT ISN'T THE SAME WHITE VAN

FROM LAST NIGHT.

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, RIGHT?

WE'RE DEAD.

SEE...NOTHING.

I WASN'T REALLY WORRIED, JUST AFTER LAST NIGHT...

WELL, AFTER LAST NIGHT, YOU'RE PARANOID AS HELL.

DAMN RIGHT.

SHIT!

WHAT?

THAT'S HIM.

NORA'S HUSBAND.

WHERE'D YOUR MOM SAY THAT SPEED TRAP WAS TODAY?

UM...LUMKIN STREET AND FOUNTAIN. WHY?

HANG ON, MAN. HERE WE GO.

YEAH!

OWW!

[SIRENS]

I AM AN ANIMAL!

I KNEW IT.

UGH! GOD! I'M SORRY.

YOU!

HI. UM...

ARE YOU OK?

NOTHING'S BROKEN, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

I'M REALLY SORRY, OK?

HOW COME YOU STARING AT ME IN ALGEBRA?

I WASN'T STARING.

YES, YOU WERE!

ALL RIGHT, I WAS STARING.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

COME ON!

COME ON!

WHAT?

GO, GO!

IN HERE.

YOU'RE VERY WEIRD. DO YOU KNOW THAT?

SHH! JUST GET DOWN.

WHAT?

THERE'S SOMEONE FOLLOWING ME.

WHO?

I THINK HE'S A COP.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

NOTHING. IT'S A LONG STORY.

JEREMY, ARE YOU OK?

DO ME A FAVOR.

LOOK IN THAT MIRROR UP THERE.

AND TELL ME WHO YOU SEE.

NO ONE.

OK, GOOD.

LOOK OUT THAT GLASS DOOR AND TELL ME WHO YOU SEE.

NOBODY.

NOBODY!

[IMITATES EERIE WHIRR]

THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE. THERE WAS THIS WEIRD GUY.

OK, THAT'S IT.

THIS HAS BEEN ENLIGHTENING,

BUT I'M NEEDED BACK ON EARTH.

DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU LEAVE THE COOLER!

OH, NO PROBLEM.

I'M CARRYING INVISIBLE HAIR SPRAY.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, JEREMY?

I'M OK. I'M JUST TIRED.

DRINK PLENTY OF LIQUIDS. THAT'S THE THING.

YEAH, I THINK IT'S A PROTEIN DEFICIENCY.

I'M MAKING A PROTEIN SHAKE.

YOUR MOM SAID A GIRL NAMED CANDY CALLED.

MM-HMM.

THAT'S A GREAT NAME.

CANDY.

IT SOUNDS YUMMY.

YEAH, SHE'S A CHEERLEADER, BLONDE HAIR, ALL THAT STUFF.

BIG DEAL.

WOMEN CAN REALLY BE A BOTHER, CAN'T THEY?

CALLING YOU ALL THE TIME.

WANTING TO GO OUT.

IT'S MISSING SOMETHING.

WELL, IT'S BEEN NICE

HAVING THIS MAN TO MAN CHAT WITH YOU, SON.

PROTEIN DRINK, HUH?

[DOG BARKING]

WAKE UP, JEREMY.

JEREMY?

WE HAVE TO TALK.

SHIT!

I'M TOO YOUNG TO GO TO JAIL.

PERMIT ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I AM MODOC, AT YOUR SERVICE.

YOU'RE NOT A COP?

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION

THAT YOU'VE HAD A SORDID SEXUAL ENCOUNTER

WITH A STRANGE AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

IT WASN'T SORDID.

YOU WERE BITTEN BY THIS WOMAN, WERE YOU NOT?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.

JEREMY, THIS WOMAN WAS...

HOW SHALL I SAY?

INFECTED.

OH, GOD.

SHE LOOKED SO CLEAN.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL COOPERATE,

BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL MY PARENTS.

I THINK I'M MISSING SOMETHING

IN THE TRANSLATION HERE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT?

NO.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANYTHING STRANGE OR UNUSUAL

DURING THE PAST 24 HOURS?

JUST YOU.

[DOGS BARKING]

HOW ABOUT THEM?

A COUPLE STUPID DOGS. BIG DEAL.

THEY KNOW, JEREMY.

WHEN THAT WOMAN BIT YOU,

SHE TRANSFERRED A LEGACY ONTO YOU,

THE LEGACY OF A SECRET SOCIETY

WHICH HAS ENDURED FOR CENTURIES.

YOU'RE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

YOU HAVE NEW DESIRES. YOU FEEL IT, CAN'T YOU?

NO!

NO LONGER WILL YOU TREAD WITH ORDINARY MEN.

GET TO THE POINT!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

IN A NUTSHELL, YOU'RE ALIVE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT ALIVE.

YOU'RE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT DEAD.

DID YOU EVER HEAR THE WORD "UNDEAD"?

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE...

"VAMPIRE"?

I HOPE YOU'VE HEARD THAT ONE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

A V-VAMPIRE.

MM-HMM.

I WANTED TO BREAK IT TO YOU EASY,

BUT NO...EVERYTHING WITH YOU YOUNG PEOPLE

HAS TO BE FAST, FAST.

GET OUT OF HERE.

I KNOW IT'S A SHOCK.

Mom: JEREMY? I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!

[KNOCKING] HONEY?

GET OUT OF HERE!

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEBODY.

NO. THAT WAS THE RADIO.

IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE THE RADIO.

IT SOUNDED LIKE A MAN'S VOICE.

UM...

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

Radio: ♪ WAY DOWN WHERE WE WOULD GO... ♪

[HOWLING]

♪ I WENT OUT ON A LEDGE TO SPEND SOME TIME ♪

♪ WENT OUT OF MY HEAD, IT'S BEEN SOME TIME ♪

[HONK HONK]

YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. GET OUT OF HERE!

I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?

VAMPIRES DRINK VIRGIN BLOOD, RIGHT?

I'M NOT A VIRGIN.

ASK JENNY CICERO.

LEWIS, COME HERE.

HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED YOUR COMPLEXION TURNING PALE?

WHAT ABOUT IT?

HOW ABOUT THAT UNCOMFORTABLE GLARE YOU FEEL FROM THE SUN?

I CAN EXPLAIN THAT.

YOUR LOSS OF APPETITE?

PROTEIN DEFICIENCY.

YOUR CRAVING FOR RAW MEAT-- MORE PRECISELY, FRESH BLOOD?

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN?

YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER, JEREMY.

WAIT. THIS GUY'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME.

WE NEED TO TALK.

WHAT?

WHO'S THAT MAN?

GET IN THE CAR.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S NOT FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THIS MAN IS PROFESSOR LEOPOLD McCARTHY,

A NOTED HISTORIAN BY PROFESSION.

A RUTHLESS MURDERER BY CHOICE.

TOGETHER WITH HIS FEEBLE-MINDED ASSISTANT,

HE'S BEEN WAGING A WAR AGAINST OUR KIND.

AND HE WILL NOT REST UNTIL HE HAS WIPED THE LAST OF US

FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

US?

VAMPIRES.

STOP THE CAR, FREAKO.

I'M HERE TO HELP MAKE THE TRANSITION

FROM YOUR OLD LIFE TO YOUR NEW LIFE

AS EASY AS POSSIBLE.

FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS, I'LL BE YOUR TUTOR

AND, HOPEFULLY, YOUR FRIEND.

IF YOU ARE A VAMPIRE,

HOW CAN YOU BE OUT IN THE DAYLIGHT?

UNDEAD VAMPIRES MUST REMAIN IN THE DARK,

BUT YOU AND I ARE LIVING VAMPIRES.

YOU'LL FIND THAT AND OTHER USEFUL INFORMATION

COVERED IN THIS.

"VAMPIRISM.

A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE"?

THAT IS YOUR BIBLE.

READ IT, LEARN IT, LIVE IT.

THAT'S IT.

AT LEAST TAKE THIS.

WHAT? WHAT IS THIS?

THE NAME OF A RELIABLE ALL-NIGHT BUTCHER.

THERE'S NO GETTING AROUND IT--

VAMPIRES DRINK BLOOD.

WE SUGGEST PIG'S BLOOD-- B NEGATIVE.

IT'S SURPRISINGLY FULL-BODIED,

WITH A SMOOTH FLAVOR.

JUST PULL OVER AND LET ME OUT, OK?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

BUT READ YOUR HANDBOOK, GET SOME SUNGLASSES,

AND DON'T FRET OVER DRINKING A LITTLE BLOOD.

THINK OF IT AS TAKING YOUR VITAMINS.

I AM NOT A VAMPIRE.

I'LL POP UP FROM TIME TO TIME

JUST TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

AND I'M NOT READING THIS BOOK!

AND I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!

I'M INTRIGUED BY HER.

THERE'S MORE TO THIS GIRL

THAN MEETS THE EYE.

I HOPE SO, FOR YOUR SAKE.

RALPH, AS MUCH AS I HATE IT,

IT'S YOUR TURN TO DRIVE.

YOU'RE NEXT, CAPELLO.

IN THE BACK.

THIS TIME, TRY AND STAY WITH THEM.

I WILL, PROFESSOR.

I WARN YOU. ANY NONSENSE,

AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR INSURANCE SKYROCKETS.

[TIRES SCREECH]

CONSTANT, GENTLE PRESSURE ON THE ACCELERATOR.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

TURN LEFT HERE.

YOU FAILED TO CHECK YOUR MIRRORS.

[CHUCKLES]

SHIT!

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

LOOK OUT! WHOO!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, MY GOD! WATCH IT!

WATCH THESE PEOPLE!

ENDANGERING PEDESTRIANS.

RALPH, LOOK OUT!

EASY, EASY!

WATCH THAT GUY!

HEY, LOOK OUT!

YOU'LL NEVER DRIVE IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

[TIRES SCREECH]

GRIMSDYKE.

THAT'S IT!

FINE. LET'S BOUNCE THIS BOZO.

GET BACK HERE, YOUNG MAN!

HEY!

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

HE'S ATTACKING!

HUH?

OH, SHIT!

UH...UH...

UH-OH. UH, RALPH?

YOUR DRIVING FRIGHTENED THAT MAN

INTO AN ACCIDENT!

MORE POINTS.

HEY, COME BACK HERE!

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

HI.

YOU'RE STARING AT ME AGAIN.

LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY.

I REALLY MADE A JERK OF MYSELF.

YOU MAKE ME VERY NERVOUS.

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU THE OTHER NIGHT.

ARE YOU GOING TO GROSS ME OUT?

NO! IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.

UM...WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME SOMETIME?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

YOU LET ME SLIP THROUGH YOUR FINGERS,

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS REGRET IT.

WELL...

OK.

REALLY?

YEAH.

GREAT!

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:00.

WAIT. TONIGHT?

WHY NOT?

WHAT DID HE WANT?

GUESS WHAT.

I'VE GOT A DATE FOR TONIGHT.

NOT WITH THAT GEEK.

DARLA, HE'S ALL WRONG.

OH, SHUT UP, GLORIA.

HE DREAMED ABOUT ME.

Craig Morris: ♪ I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA LIKE ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL I'M THINKIN' OF ♪

♪ YOUR LIPS, YOUR EYES, I'M HYPNOTIZED ♪

♪ OR MAYBE I'M IN LOVE ♪

HUH.

THE MIRROR'S NOT WORKING.

♪ I'M GOIN' THROUGH SOME CHANGES ♪

GREAT.

♪ SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT I CAN DO ♪

♪ ONE THING I KNOW, I CAN'T LET GO ♪

♪ WHEN IT COMES TO ME AND YOU ♪

♪ OH, WHEN IT COMES TO ME AND YOU ♪

DOESN'T ANYTHING IN THIS HOUSE WORK?

[DING-DONG]

YOU MUST BE JEREMY.

WE'RE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

DON'T BLOCK THE DOORWAY, HELEN.

LET THE BOY IN.

I'M DARLA'S FATHER, BUDDY BLAKE.

YOU CAN CALL ME BUDDY.

OH. OK...BUDDY.

THIS IS MY WIFE HELEN.

HI.

YOU'RE A SHARP-LOOKING BOY.

ISN'T HE, BUDDY?

HE CERTAINLY IS.

WELL, LET'S SEE IF DARLA'S READY.

PRINCESS!

YOUR ESCORT IS HERE.

Darla: COMING!

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK, JEREMY?

NO. I'M DRIVING.

OF COURSE.

GOOD ANSWER.

THERE SHE IS.

ISN'T SHE LOVELY?

COME ON, MOM, CUT IT OUT.

DON'T THEY MAKE A CUTE COUPLE, HELEN?

JUST LIKE US.

HI.

OK, KIDS, UP AGAINST THE WALL.

MOM!

OH, COME ON, NOW.

DON'T SPOIL YOUR FATHER'S FUN.

READY NOW? OK.

OH, WAIT, WAIT.

HELEN, THEY'RE PERFECT.

OH, THIS IS TOTALLY HUMILIATING!

OK, BIG SMILES, NOW.

WE'LL DO ONE MORE.

ONE MORE FOR GRANDMA.

WE'RE LATE. WE'VE GOT TO GO.

HAVE A GOOD TIME, PRINCESS.

PHEW.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I HAVE PARENTS, TOO.

DAMN.

WHAT'S WRONG? DIDN'T THEY TURN OUT?

PIECE OF JUNK.

Jukebox: ♪ THE FIRST MOMENT BETRAYED HER HEART... ♪

OK, YOU ORDERED ONE GARBAGE-CAN PIZZA,

DOUBLE ON EVERYTHING BUT ANCHOVIES.

THANK YOU.

BUT RALPH ISN'T REALLY A JERK.

HE'S A GOOD GUY AT HEART,

BUT HE THINKS

THAT I SHOULD ONLY DATE GORGEOUS GIRLS

WHO HAVE BIG...

UM...

BIG BOOBS AND LONG BLONDE HAIR

AND BEAUTIFULLY SUN-TANNED SKIN AND...

DITZY.

WHEN IT COMES TO GIRLS,

RALPH'S ONLY INTERESTED IN ONE THING.

YOU KNOW.

I KNOW.

RALPH IS, UH...

CAN BE A JERK SOMETIMES,

BUT HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

AND, UH...

WHAT CAN I SAY?

THAT'S OK. I UNDERSTAND.

GLORIA DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE HOT STUFF, EITHER.

YEAH?

YEAH.

I'M GLAD THEY DON'T PICK OUR DATES,

I GUESS.

JEREMY, ARE YOU OK?

UM...

YEAH.

I'M SUDDENLY, UH...

NOT HUNGRY.

YOU KNOW, I HEARD YOU'VE BEEN SICK LATELY.

IT'S NOTHING.

MAYBE YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S ON THIS PIZZA?

YOU ORDERED EVERYTHING.

THAT'S PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE, TOMATOES, MUSHROOMS,

ONIONS, OLIVES, PEPPERS, AND GARLIC.

♪ ...WILL MAKE US ONE OF A KIND ♪

GARLIC.

Oingo Boingo: ♪ I'M ♪

♪ I'M ♪

♪ NOT THE SAME MAN I WAS BEFORE ♪

THAT'S HIS CAR. WE'VE FOUND HIM.

♪ I'VE CHANGED MY PERCEPTION ♪

♪ I HAVEN'T LOST MY PROTECTION ♪

♪ I HAVEN'T LOST, EVER LOST ♪

♪ BUT I HAVE LOST ATTENTION ♪

♪ 2 BY 2, COMING TO THE SHORE ♪

♪ BOYS AND GIRLS, VOICES JOINED IN SONG ♪

♪ FIRECRACKERS MAKING SO MUCH NOISE ♪

♪ THEY ALL START YELLING AT ME "EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG!"

SHIT!

[MOANING]

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

YEAH. I LIKE THE DARK.

I THINK I'M A NIGHT PERSON.

JEREMY, WHY DID YOU ASK ME OUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU SEE SOMEONE YOU LIKE,

YOU WANT TO KNOW THEM BETTER,

YOU ASK THEM OUT.

AND BECAUSE I WANT TO PROVE

I'M NOT THE BIG JERK THAT YOU THINK I AM.

OH, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A JERK.

GLORIA DOES, BUT I DON'T.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, RALPH THINKS YOU'RE A MUSICAL FREAK.

WELL, GLORIA SAYS

YOU'RE A REPULSIVE, SICKLY SLIME BALL.

YEAH? YEAH!

RALPH SAYS--WAIT. THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

YOU'RE SPECIAL.

I AM?

YEAH.

GRIMSDYKE.

YES, SIR?

I THINK I'LL GO AND LIE DOWN FOR A BIT.

YES, PROFESSOR.

I'LL TAKE THE FIRST WATCH.

CALL ME IF YOU WITNESS ANYTHING UNUSUAL.

I WILL, PROFESSOR.

[HUMMING LOUDLY]

GRIMSDYKE.

[STOPS HUMMING]

OUT.

NOW.

YES, PROFESSOR.

PFFT!

JEREMY...

JEREMY, WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU'RE WHEEZING.

OH, NO.

JEREMY, WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'RE NOT SICK, ARE YOU?

I HAVE TO GO.

JEREMY, WHAT'S WRONG?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

STOP!

WAIT. YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

STOP! PLEASE DON'T GO.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!

COME BACK!

UH!

WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

DARLA.

WHAT HAPPENED?

DAMN IT!

JEREMY CAPELLO, YOU BLEW IT!

[HUMMING]

FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

NO. THE EVIL SLIME HASN'T SHOWN HIMSELF.

OH, YES, HE HAS.

NO!

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHY ARE YOU WATCHING MY HOUSE?

STAY BACK!

YOU DON'T WANT ME.

I'M OLD!

MY BLOOD IS POLLUTED WITH CHOLESTEROL!

WHAT?

PROFESSOR!

GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.

SLOW DOWN, YOU MANIAC!

YOU MAD LITTLE BASTARD! WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS HORRIBLE, PROFESSOR.

THE MONSTER SNUCK UP BEHIND ME.

HOW?

HIS EYES BURNED LIKE COAL...

FANGS 3 INCHES LONG

GLISTENING IN THE MOONLIGHT!

THAT SCUM!

HE HAD ME TOTALLY UNDER HIS SPELL!

THANK GOD FOR THIS!

P.A.: CHECK APPROVAL ON 4.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

YES. HA HA!

I'D LIKE, UM, A...

A...

2 OF THOSE.

P.A.: CHECK APPROVAL ON 4.

3 T-BONES.

UH, AND...

6 CHICKENS, PLEASE.

UH, WHAT ELSE?

A-A QUART OF PIG'S BLOOD.

WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?

A QUART OF PIG'S BLOOD.

A QUART OF PIG'S BLOOD.

A PINT.

A PINT OF PIG'S BLOOD.

HOW MUCH FOR...

JUST THE BLOOD?

$2.59.

THANK YOU.

FIRST TIME, HUH, KID?

I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE.

IT'S NOT BAD.

IT'S NOT BAD!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M A VAMPIRE!

♪ WELL, I'M HEAVENLY BLESSED AND WORLDLY WISE ♪

♪ I'M A PEEPING-TOM TURKEY WITH X-RAY EYES ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOIN' GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTIN' BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOT A JOB WAITIN' FOR MY GRADUATION ♪

♪ 50 THOU A YEAR WILL BUY A LOT OF BEER ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOIN' GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTIN' BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'VE GOT MY VOTE

FOR VAMPIRE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I'VE BEEN GOOD. NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL.

I DO MY HOMEWORK.

WHY ME?

LOOK, TRY NOT TO THINK OF THIS

AS A HANDICAP.

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING A VAMPIRE.

ONE OF THE PAST PRESIDENTS

OF THESE UNITED STATES

WAS A VAMPIRE.

WHICH ONE?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

I'M TRYING TO ILLUSTRATE

THAT LIFE CAN STILL BE FULL,

IT CAN STILL BE REWARDING.

THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN ADVANTAGES

TO BEING A VAMPIRE.

YEAH? NAME ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

I DON'T KNOW.

40? 50? SO WHAT?

[AHEM]

THIS COMING OCTOBER,

I SHALL CELEBRATE MY 265th BIRTHDAY.

FOR EVERY DECADE,

YOU SHALL AGE BUT A SINGLE YEAR.

IT'S NOT A BAD DEAL.

WHAT?

YOU'RE SAYING I'LL BE A TEENAGER

FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS?

ARE YOU GOING TO SIT AROUND

AND SULK FOR THE NEXT CENTURY?

NO...

BUT I DESERVE A FEW MINUTES.

I HAPPEN TO LIKE GARLIC.

WELL, IT'S A MINOR LOSS.

GARLIC JUST DOESN'T GO WITH BLOOD.

BUT THERE ARE COMPENSATIONS.

WITH A LONG LIFE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A CHANCE TO MEET

SOME OF THE MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE.

OVER THE YEARS,

I'VE KNOWN PEOPLE LIKE PABLO PICASSO,

SIGMUND FREUD,

ISABEL WATSON, MADAME CURIE.

WHO'S ISABEL WATSON?

TRUST ME, SHE WAS FASCINATING.

WHAT'S MORE, WITH TIME ON YOUR SIDE,

YOU'LL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO PURSUE YOUR INTERESTS TO THEIR FULLEST.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

WHETHER YOU'RE A VAMPIRE OR A REGULAR PERSON,

YOU MUST SET GOALS, MAKE PLANS,

LIVE A FULL LIFE.

YOU CAN LIVE SEVERAL OF THEM.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE THING--

I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF WITH DARLA

BECAUSE I'M A VAMPIRE.

MEN HAVE BEEN MAKING FOOLS OF THEMSELVES

FOR CENTURIES

WHERE WOMEN ARE CONCERNED.

LUCKILY FOR US, THEY RATHER LIKE IT.

SHE'LL COME AROUND

AS SOON AS SHE THINKS YOU'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH.

NO, NO. YOU DON'T KNOW DARLA BLAKE.

THEN AGAIN, THERE ARE THE POWERS.

POWERS?

I WISH YOU'D READ THAT BOOK.

MIGHT FIND SOME PLEASANT SURPRISES IN THERE,

LIKE HOW TO EMIT A CERTAIN...

IRRESISTIBLE CHARM.

WHAT PAGE?

TRY THE INDEX UNDER "TRANCES."

MM-HMM.

HEY, CAN I TURN INTO A BAT?

DON'T BE SILLY.

[BAND PLAYING]

DARLA, HI.

I WANT TO EXPLAIN ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

YOU CAME THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES.

IT'S CALLED PUBERTY, JERK, AND SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.

GLORIA, GIVE IT A REST.

DARLA, HE MADE A FOOL OUT OF YOU.

GLORIA'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW? AND YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

WHY SHOULD I?

BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.

I DON'T WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO END

BEFORE IT BEGINS.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO PRACTICE.

DARLA.

COME BACK.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS,

YOU WILL AWAKEN.

YOU WILL ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

AND YOU WILL GO OUT WITH ME

ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

UGH...

D.J.: OUR NEXT SELECTION IS FROM BARRY MANILOW,

THE MAN WHO WRITES THE SONGS...

BARRY MANILOW. SAVE IT.

ARGH!

Blondie: ♪ ...OR ANOTHER, I'M GONNA LOSE YA ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE SLIP... ♪

OH, NO!

♪ ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I'M GONNA LOSE YA ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE SLIP ♪

♪ ONE WAY ♪

HI, MRS. CAPELLO.

OH, HI, RALPH.

RALPH.

JEREMY'S BEEN ACTING PRETTY WEIRD LATELY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

NOT REALLY. HE'S PRETTY COMPLICATED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE'S HAVING SOME GIRL PROBLEMS.

THAT'S PROBABLY ALL IT IS.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT'S BOTHERING HIM, OK?

I WILL, MRS. CAPELLO.

OK.

MY SON HAS A PROBLEM WITH GIRLS?

THE GODDAMN WHITE VAN

IS STILL FOLLOWING ME.

WHAT? WHY IS IT FOLLOWING YOU?

IS HE GONE?

YEAH.

I DON'T GET THIS!

RALPH, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

I'M...

I'M A VAMPIRE.

THAT'S COOL, MAN.

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY-- "THAT'S COOL"?

YOU WANT ME TO SAY YOU'RE CRAZY?

REMEMBER THAT COP THAT WAS TRAILING ME?

HE TOLD ME THAT WOMAN WHO BIT ME WAS A VAMPIRE.

HE TOLD ME I WAS A VAMPIRE.

A COP TOLD YOU THAT.

HE WASN'T A COP. HE'S A VAMPIRE, TOO.

WOW. YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, DO YOU?

TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M KIND OF TORN.

I HAVE THIS PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRISM.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

GO IN.

WHAT?

WATCH THIS.

WELL?

IT'S A TRICK.

A TRICK?

YEAH, DAVID COPPERFIELD DOES THIS STUFF.

I ONCE SAW HIM

MAKE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DISAPPEAR.

OK.

BUT LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING

DAVID COPPERFIELD DOESN'T DO.

YEAH, IT'S RED AND IT'S LIQUID.

IS IT BLOOD?

HEY, RALPH.

WELL?

WHAT DID HE SAY?

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

RALPH, I'M HIS MOTHER.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING HIM.

NO, YOU DON'T. TRUST ME.

SOME THINGS...

ARE TOO PERSONAL.

TOO PERSONAL?

OH, MY GOD!

[WOLF HOWLS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

JEREMY.

JUST DROPPED IN TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

MY WORK IS FINISHED HERE.

TERRIFIC!

MY LIFE IS RUINED, AND YOU'RE GOING ON.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

AH, WELL, THAT'S ENTIRELY UP TO YOU.

MY PURPOSE WAS MERELY

TO POINT YOU IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

NOT TO HOLD YOUR HAND FOREVER.

YOU WILL BE A VAMPIRE FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

I KNOW.

THERE'S JUST...

STILL SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IF I SCREW UP?

WHAT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT?

EVERYBODY SCREWS UP, DEAD OR UNDEAD.

PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU WILL ALWAYS PROTECT YOU.

REMEMBER THAT.

I JUST GOT USED TO HAVING YOU AROUND.

DON'T GET SENTIMENTAL ON ME.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

I'M GOING TO NEED TO PARK MY CAR

FOR THE NEXT CENTURY OR SO.

YOU THINK YOU CAN LOOK AFTER IT FOR ME?

YOU'RE KIDDING.

THIS IS GREAT!

WAIT TILL RALPH SEES THIS!

THE PROFESSOR'S AFTER RALPH NOW.

HE THINKS HE'S ONE OF US.

WELL, IT'S A RATHER UNSAVORY TRAIT OF MAN,

THAT WHENEVER HE STUMBLES ACROSS SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

OFTEN HIS FIRST IMPULSE IS TO DESTROY IT.

VAMPIRES ARE LIKE ANY OTHER MINORITY

THAT'S BEEN PERSECUTED DOWN THROUGH THE AGES.

OUR REPUTATIONS ARE A BIT MORE TARNISHED THAN THAT.

I MEAN, PEOPLE THINK WE'RE BLOOD-SUCKING MONSTERS.

I'M AFRAID A FEW BAD APPLES BACK IN THE DARK AGES

SPOILED IT FOR THE REST OF US.

PROFESSOR McCARTHY IS NOT ONE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET.

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS GUY? WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

HE'S QUITE MAD, OF COURSE.

BUT DON'T BE MISLED.

HE POSES A VERY REAL THREAT.

WHAT DO I DO?

YOU'RE A VAMPIRE, JEREMY.

USE IT.

LEWIS,

JEREMY'S BEHAVIOR IS JUST TOO PECULIAR TO IGNORE.

RALPH SAYS HE HAS SOME PROBLEM WITH GIRLS.

YES, AND I KNOW I HEARD A MAN'S VOICE

UP IN HIS ROOM THE OTHER NIGHT.

THE MAN IN THE BMW.

GOOD NIGHT.

JEREMY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OUT.

YOUR FATHER AND I ARE HERE

TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE BOTHERING YOU.

THAT'S GREAT, MOM.

LEWIS.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?

JUST GOOD NIGHT.

WHERE DID HE GET THAT CAR?

IT'S THAT SAME ARCTIC-BLUE BMW 735.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

WHAT DOES THAT LICENSE PLATE MEAN?

NOT GETTING ANY OF MY BLOOD.

HEY!

GO AWAY!

COME ON, OPEN UP. I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S FAR ENOUGH, COUNT DRACULA.

LOOK, RALPH, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?

I HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY.

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME?

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

I NEED YOU.

SO I CAN LURE YOUNG VIRGINS

BACK TO YOUR LAIR FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK?

NOT ME, PAL.

DON'T BE A JERK.

THIS IS TOO MUCH, MAN.

RALPH, I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON.

I'M NOT SOME MONSTER.

OK. LET ME THINK.

OK, WE'RE IN THIS THING TOGETHER, ALL RIGHT?

MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

JUST MAKE SURE YOURS STAY THAT WAY, TOO.

I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP A FEW PINTS LOW.

GREAT.

SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

[LOUD PUNK MUSIC]

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

IF VAMPIRES REALLY HAVE SECRET POWERS OVER WOMEN,

YOU CAN'T HOLD OUT ON YOUR BEST FRIEND.

LOOK AT THESE GIRLS.

I HAVEN'T EVEN READ THIS YET.

YOU'LL DO FINE. JUST WING IT. LOOK, I'M NOT CHOOSY, OK?

TALL BLONDE, SKINNY BRUNETTE.

I'LL TAKE ANYTHING.

ALMOST ANYTHING.

COME ON. LET'S GO OVER HERE.

THAT GIRL.

LIKE HER? YEAH.

GO TO IT, COUNT CAPELLO.

DO YOUR THING.

WHAT A HUNK!

HIM?

THAT FACE.

THAT BODY.

NOW HE'S A WALKING SEX MACHINE.

MISSED BY THAT MUCH.

MY GOD, IT'S AN ENTIRE SATANIC CULT!

GRIMSDYKE, YOU TAKE THE BACK.

BE CAREFUL.

THE BLONDE AT THE BAR.

AND NOTHING FANCY, OK?

A SIMPLE LOVE SLAVE WILL DO.

LOVE SLAVE!

Jeremy: ONE LOVE SLAVE TO GO!

HEY, NICE GLASSES.

IS IT OK IF WE GO TO YOUR PLACE?

MY PARENTS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

ALL THE SCREAMING AND MOANING

COMING FROM MY BEDROOM.

WELL...

SATISFIED?

HER.

IF I BLOW IT, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

WELL, JUST NAIL HER.

MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE!

OH, MY GOD!

GET THE HELL OFF ME, MAN!

GRIMSDYKE!

PROFESSOR! NO!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!

WHO IS THAT GUY, MAN?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

DID YOU GET HIM?

OOH!

UHH!

HERE, HOLD THIS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T JUST SIT THERE, GRIMSDYKE.

THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!

RALPH, THERE'S SOMETHING I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

YEAH?

THERE'S SOME NUTCASE RUNNING AROUND

TRYING TO WIPE VAMPIRES OUT OF EXISTENCE.

HE'S THE GUY WHO TORCHED THE GARDNER PLACE.

DON'T WORRY.

I WON'T LET HIM GET TO YOU.

HE DRIVES THE WHITE VAN--

THE GUY THAT'S BEEN FOLLOWING YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THEY THINK I'M A VAMPIRE?

THEY CAN'T BE THAT STUPID.

IF THEY KILL ME, I'M DUST.

IF THEY KILL YOU, IT'S MURDER, RIGHT?

YEAH. GREAT. THANKS A LOT.

WE HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS, HONEY.

OUR SON IS GAY.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

I REALLY WANTED GRANDCHILDREN.

Linda Moore: ♪ WHOA, OH ♪

♪ THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE, THE SILENT FINESSE ♪

♪ CUTS THROUGH THE MAGNETIC BOND ♪

♪ CLEARING A PATH FOR THE FLOW OF YOUR BREATH ♪

♪ YOUR SPEECH IS A GOLD, MAGIC WAND ♪

♪ YOU CALL FOR THE... ♪

OH, MY GOD! THERE HE IS.

SHE'S HERE, STUD.

CORNER TABLE. DON'T LOOK.

DON'T LOOK!

DON'T LOOK.

♪ ...SPLENDOR ♪

♪ NEVER LETS YOU ESCAPE... ♪

THIS IS DUMB.

♪ FROM THE ♪

♪ THE POWER ♪

♪ THE POWER OF YOUR SUGGESTION ♪

♪ YOUR HYPNOTIC... ♪

HI, DARLA.

YOU NEVER GIVE UP, DO YOU?

NO.

DARLA?

YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

I DON'T KNOW, JEREMY.

I LIKE YOU, BUT YOU'RE SO WEIRD.

HE'LL FREAK OUT AGAIN.

I WON'T FREAK OUT, I PROMISE.

LOOK, I HAD SOME PROBLEMS BEFORE, OK,

BUT I'M FINE NOW.

DON'T MAKE ME BEG.

MAKE HIM BEG.

I'M BEGGING.

DON'T MAKE ANY FOOLHARDY ATTEMPT TO RUN AWAY.

THIS REVOLVER IS POINTING AT YOUR NAVEL.

IT'S LOADED WITH SILVER BULLETS.

YOU WILL SLOWLY GET UP AND WALK

TO THAT VAN PARKED IN THE STREET.

IF YOU SO MUCH AS BAT AN EYELID,

I WON'T HESITATE TO USE THIS.

IS THAT CLEAR?

VERY. VERY.

LET'S GO.

OK, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.

YAH-HOO!

HOO-HOO!

THAT WASN'T TOO WEIRD, WAS IT?

YOU THINK I'M GONNA GO BANANAS ANY MINUTE,

BUT I'M NOT.

WHERE'S RALPH?

HE JUST LEFT WITH A COUPLE OF FREAKS.

WHAT?

THAT'S THEM OVER THERE IN THAT VAN.

COME ON.

♪ POWER OF YOUR SUGGESTION ♪

WAIT! DON'T GO!

HURRY! GET IN!

ARE WE STEALING THIS CAR?

HEY, LOOK.

YOU GUYS ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE.

I'M NOT A VAMPIRE. I HATE THE TASTE OF BLOOD.

I HATE THE SIGHT OF BLOOD.

PROFESSOR,

MAYBE HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

LIES! ALL LIES! DON'T LISTEN, GRIMSDYKE.

THESE BASTARDS WILL SAY ANYTHING

TO PROTECT THEIR BLACK HEARTS.

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T FREAK OUT.

SORRY. MY BEST FRIEND'S ABOUT TO BE MURDERED.

MURDERED? BY WHOM?

IT'S A LONG STORY.

IT'S REALLY ME THEY SHOULD BE AFTER ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

PROFESSOR McCARTHY. HE'S A MANIAC.

THINKS RALPH'S A VAMPIRE.

THAT'S CRAZY.

OF COURSE IT'S CRAZY.

RALPH'S NOT THE VAMPIRE.

I'M THE VAMPIRE.

OH, MY GOD.

THERE THEY ARE!

PROFESSOR,

SOMEBODY'S FOLLOWING US.

THAT'S RIGHT, PAL.

THE FBI, THE CIA, THE NATIONAL GUARD,

AND WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER,

MY DAD IS GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

EVASIVE ACTION, GRIMSDYKE.

YES, PROFESSOR.

I'M NOT CRAZY, OK?

PLEASE BELIEVE ME. I NEED YOUR HELP.

MODOC TOLD ME,

"SOMEONE THAT REALLY CARES WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN."

MODOC?

HE'S--HE'S MY VAMPIRE ADVISER.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL US!

REMEMBER WHAT WE SAID ABOUT BEING DIFFERENT?

DIFFERENT, YES.

LIKE BEING TALLER OR SKINNIER

OR WEARING BRACES

OR MAYBE EVEN BEING A LITTLE BIT WEIRD.

BUT NOT BEING A VAMPIRE!

COPS! ALL RIGHT! HANG ON, RALPH!

Police radio: BMW. LICENSE PLATE NITEMAN.

WESTBOUND ON ALLEN PARKWAY.

32 X-RAY REQUEST ASSIST.

ALL UNITS IN VICINITY OF ALLEN PARKWAY

ROLL TO ASSIST 32 X-RAY,

PURSUIT OF A BLUE BMW WESTBOUND--

[SIRENS]

OH, MY GOD!

OH! OH!

YOU OK? STOP!

HA HA HA!

AAH!

HANG ON, DARLA.

OH, SHIT!

GOOD WORK, GRIMSDYKE.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CAVALRY

HAS BEEN CUT OFF AT THE PASS.

FREEZE!

YOU KIDS ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. I THINK SO.

WE HAVE TO STOP THE WHITE VAN!

THEY'RE GOING TO KILL RALPH!

TAKE IT EASY, KID. YOU'RE IN SHOCK.

THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER HIM.

RELAX. WE'LL GET YOU AN AMBULANCE.

LISTEN TO ME.

THEY'RE CRAZY. THEY'RE VAMPIRE HUNTERS.

THEY THINK MY FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE.

THEY'VE KIDNAPPED HIM, AND THEY WILL KILL HIM.

HEY, WALLY, LOOKS LIKE WE GOT

ANOTHER VAMPIRE HUNT ON OUR HANDS.

ANOTHER ONE?

SEE?

WE BETTER CALL IN A CODE V AND GET AFTER HIM.

GO ON, KIDS.

LET'S GET TO THE CAR.

LET'S GO!

COME ON!

HEY!

YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

YEAH, RIGHT.

SOBER UP, KID.

HEY!

RALPH'S GOING TO DIE, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

MAYBE NOT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS!

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT?

[ENGINE STARTS]

HOLY SHIT!

COME ON! HURRY UP!

HA HA HA!

THAT WAS GREAT!

I COULD BE FALLING FOR YOU.

DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.

THIS IS 1-ADAM-12.

PUT OUT AN A.P.B. ON A WHITE FORD VAN

SEEN HEADING NORTH ON HENDERSON WAY.

OH, AND MOM,

Radio: THIS REALLY ISN'T MY FAULT.

I HAD TO STEAL THIS POLICE CAR

IN ORDER TO SAVE RALPH.

AND, MOM, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DARLA BLAKE.

HELLO, MRS. CAPELLO.

SHE'S GREAT, MOM. YOU'LL LOVE HER.

HURRY UP, LEWIS! RUN!

OUR SON'S IN TROUBLE!

COME ON.

WHERE ARE YOU, BUDDY?

I THINK THEY WENT THAT WAY.

WHERE?

THAT WAY.

Radio: STOLEN POLICE UNIT TRAVELING NORTH ON HIGHWAY 41.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

PERPETRATOR IS PRESUMED ARMED AND DANGEROUS.

REPEAT. PERP PRESUMED ARMED AND DANGEROUS.

THAT'S OUR BABY!

TURN THERE!

WE'LL RELEASE THE CREATURE'S SOUL

ON SANCTIFIED GROUND.

YOU PIECE OF JUNK! HAUL ASS!

YOU HEARD HIM! HAUL ASS!

HANG ON, RALPH.

[ORGAN PLAYING BACH'S TOCCATA & FUGUE]

GRIMSDYKE!

WILL YOU STOP THAT?

COME HERE.

YOU DO THIS ONE.

ME, PROFESSOR?

YES, YOU.

RIGHT. NOW...

YOU HIT THE STAKE IN THE CENTER,

HARD ENOUGH TO DRIVE THE SHAFT

THROUGH THE RIB CAGE, INTO THE CHEST CAVITY,

PIERCING THE HEART.

GO ON.

[MUFFLED CRIES]

GO ON.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I'VE NEVER HURT A HUMAN BEING IN MY LIFE.

WAIT! THERE IT IS!

YOU SPINELESS CREATURE, GRIMSDYKE.

NOW I'VE GOT TO DO IT MYSELF.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!

STOP!

HI.

I KNOW WHAT THIS MUST LOOK LIKE.

HOW ABOUT ATTEMPTED MURDER?

NO. YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

WE'RE JUST PERFORMING A LITTLE EXORCISM.

THIS IS A VILE, DISGUSTING CREATURE OF THE NIGHT.

A VAMPIRE.

WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!

YOU KILL HIM,

AND YOU'LL FRY FOR MURDER ONE, PAL.

GUARANTEED.

NO WAY. THERE WON'T EVEN BE A CORPSE.

HE'LL CRUMBLE TO DUST BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

IF HE IS A VAMPIRE, THAT'S ONE THING.

IF HE ISN'T, AN INNOCENT GUY IS DEAD.

THAT'S A CHANCE I'M PREPARED TO TAKE.

FORGET IT!

LET'S SEE SOME PROOF.

WHAT'S IN YOUR LITTLE VAMPIRE HUNTER'S KIT?

YOU HAVE A CRUCIFIX, RIGHT?

MAYBE HE'S A JEWISH VAMPIRE.

RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT?

A STRING OF GARLIC.

AND YOU WERE GOING TO KILL THIS GUY?

HOLY WATER, RIGHT?

GOOD IDEA. NOTHING WORSE THAN A DIRTY VAMPIRE.

IF I KILL HIM WITH A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART,

HE'S DEFINITELY A VAMPIRE.

A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART WOULD KILL ANYTHING.

THIS EVIDENCE WOULDN'T BE TOO PERSUASIVE

AT YOUR MURDER TRIAL.

GRIMSDYKE, YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

LET HIM GO.

A MISTAKE?

THAT'S ALL?

NO APOLOGY?

NO "I'M SORRY, RALPH"?

"I BEG YOUR PARDON, RALPH."

"SORRY ABOUT THAT STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEART, RALPH."

YOU SLY LITTLE BLOOD-SUCKER YOU.

OW!

AAH!

AAH!

RALPH!

COME ON!

LET'S GO!

RALPH! THE CAR!

RALPH!

WAIT!

THE CAR IS OVER THERE.

NO PROBLEM. FOLLOW ME.

RIGHT.

COME ON.

FREEZE!

YOU KNOW SILVER BULLETS SERVE THE SAME PURPOSE

AS A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART.

PROFESSOR!

OK.

YOU HAVE ME.

LET THEM GO.

THEY'RE ONLY INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

YOUR HEROIC PLEA HAS BEEN NOTED

AND REJECTED. DO YOU REALLY THINK

I'LL LET YOU KILL ME, MY FRIENDS?

I DON'T SEE HOW CAN YOU PREVENT IT?

YOU FORGET, PROFESSOR.

I'M A VAMPIRE.

THAT HAS CERTAIN ADVANTAGES.

YOU'VE ABANDONED YOUR PRECIOUS TOOLS.

YOU HAVE NO CRUCIFIX,

NO GARLIC, NO HOLY WATER.

GRIMSDYKE! SHOOT HIM!

I CAN'T!

LUCKILY FOR YOU,

I DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

AREN'T YOU GONNA DRAIN MY BLOOD?

YOU SOUND DISAPPOINTED.

NO. JUST SURPRISED.

PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?

I'M LETTING YOU GO.

I'LL NEVER STOP COMING AFTER YOU.

WHY? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, KILL YOU?

RIP YOUR HEART OUT?

DO IT, JEREMY.

LET'S SHARE A TOAST WITH HIS BLOOD.

NORA!

YOU'VE RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE.

OF COURSE. I'M A VAMPIRE.

WHO'S SHE?

JOIN ME, JEREMY,

IN A TASTE OF IMMORTALITY,

STARTING WITH THE PROFESSOR'S BLOOD.

SURELY, YOU WOULDN'T--

YOU WERE EAGER ENOUGH TO KILL ME.

THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

GO, PROFESSOR.

YOU SEE, WE'RE NOT ALL THE INSIDIOUS CREATURES

YOU'D LIKE TO BELIEVE.

ALL WE WANT IS A CHANCE TO LIVE IN PEACE

WITHOUT SOMEONE TRYING TO RAM A STAKE THROUGH OUR HEARTS.

[APPLAUSE]

BRAVO, MY BOY, BRAVO.

I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME

TO GET YOU INTO MY SIGHTS, OLD MAN.

MY DEAR PROFESSOR,

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?

WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M NOT YOUR ENEMY?

[GUNSHOTS]

GRIMSDYKE, WHERE DID YOU GET THESE BULLETS?

NOW I'LL HAVE TO RIP HIM APART WITH MY BARE HANDS.

BUT FIRST, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE SOME FRIENDS.

[CLAP CLAP]

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING.

OH, NO! NOT THAT!

GRIMSDYKE.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO TO ME?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

NO, DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY!

DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY!

GRIMSDYKE, HELP ME!

GRIMSDYKE! AAH!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HIM?

WHAT BETTER WAY TO VANQUISH AN ENEMY

THAN TO MAKE HIM AN ALLY.

McCarthy: HELP ME!

HEY, ARE THOSE CHICKS COMING BACK OR WHAT?

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WERE SHOT...

WITH SILVER BULLETS!

JEREMY, ONCE AGAIN,

YOU'RE GUILTY OF NOT READING YOUR HANDBOOK.

SILVER BULLETS ARE AN EFFECTIVE MEANS

OF DISPATCHING WEREWOLVES, NOT VAMPIRES.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET INTO WEREWOLVES.

PROFESSOR!

WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?

WELL, THIS IS AN IRONIC TURN OF EVENTS.

ISN'T IT, GRIMSDYKE?

WHAT'S TO BECOME OF YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I'LL RUN WITH THE PACK FOR AWHILE,

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I FEEL 20 YEARS YOUNGER.

BYE, GRIMSDYKE.

[SIRENS]

I'M AFRAID THAT'S OUR SIGNAL.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US, JEREMY.

YOU'D BE AMONG FRIENDS, WITH OTHERS LIKE YOURSELF.

THANKS, MODOC,

BUT I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.

BESIDES,

I HAVE A FEW FRIENDS RIGHT HERE.

GOOD-BYE, JEREMY.

GOOD-BYE, MODOC.

OK, LISTEN, NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN TOWN,

GIVE ME A CALL.

WE'LL GO OUT FOR A DRINK.

BLOODY MARYS.

COME, CHILDREN. AWAY!

THIS HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT.

[WOLF HOWLS]

I'VE GOTTA READ THAT BOOK.

BOO!

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

[SIRENS]

OH, LOOK, LEWIS!

THERE THEY ARE, OVER THERE!

LOOK, HONEY! TURN AROUND!

JEREMY?

UH, HI, MOM. HI, DAD.

GUESS I'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

WE KNOW YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS CHANGE LATELY.

YOU KNEW? YOU KNEW ALL ALONG?

WE'RE NOT BLIND, JEREMY.

WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD.

WE DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR PROBLEM.

JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE.

INCREDIBLE.

OH! MOM, DAD.

THIS IS DARLA BLAKE.

SHE'S MY NEW GIRLFRIEND.

OHH!

WE'RE VERY, VERY HAPPY TO MEET YOU.

UNBELIEVABLE!

Timbuk 3: ♪ I STUDY NUCLEAR SCIENCE ♪

♪ I LOVE MY CLASSES ♪

♪ I GOT A CRAZY TEACHER, HE WEARS DARK GLASSES ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOING GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTING BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOT A JOB WAITIN' FOR MY GRADUATION ♪

♪ 50 THOU A YEAR WILL BUY A LOT OF BEER ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOING GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTIN' BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ WELL, I'M HEAVENLY BLESSED AND WORLDLY WISE ♪

♪ I'M A PEEPING-TOM TURKEY WITH X-RAY EYES ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOING GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTING BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

♪ OW! OW! OW! ♪

♪ OW! OW! ♪

♪ I STUDY NUCLEAR SCIENCE, I LOVE MY CLASSES ♪

♪ I GOT A CRAZY TEACHER, HE WEARS DARK GLASSES ♪

♪ THINGS ARE GOING GREAT ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE ONLY GETTING BETTER ♪

♪ I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT, GETTIN' GOOD GRADES ♪

♪ THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.