Original subtitles

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So you'll be pleased to hear

Rupert has decided to promote you to divisional officer.

What?!

Do you mind if I take your photo?

It's for "GCHQ" magazine.

Uh, sure. Is it for the cover?

No. That's a picture of a horse drinking from a pond.

Wait, wait. I wasn't ready. Do it again.

Well, I can just keep taking them

if you want to carry on talking.

Oh, great. Yeah.

So is it specifically to do with last week's success

or more for generally being awesome all year round?

Hard to tell if it's either.

Still, it'll be nice to finally have you under me.

Not quite. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

What about a company car?

There's a department Toyota Yaris,

but the passenger seat's stuck in recline,

but you'll have unlimited access to Evelyn of course.

- These are so great. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Here. How about...

I saw this in a magazine once, just like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

More like Ryan Gosling.

Oh, yeah. I love that.

You carry on.

How's your mum doing by the way?

OK. She won't leave the house without an ax

and has started having flashbacks.

At least she's stopped humping everything.

Anything else?

Uh, yeah. Anything else?

A report just came in about a plane

trapped in a holding pattern above Heathrow

because of a cockpit bug.

So they may have to jump.

Well, I had a friend who survived a fall

from that height, but I think it was because

he landed in Lake Geneva.

That's impossible. Hitting water from that height

would be like hitting concrete.

Well, he landed in water.

Send it through to programming support.

Uh, yeah, Mary. Send it through to programming support.

As some of you may have noticed,

Jerry has been offered a promotion following

last week's victory.

Oh, let's...

I just want to say that up to a point

I really could not have done it without all of your help,

so thank you up to a point.

Gosh. I haven't been promoted in nearly 35 years.

Oh. I think that's just because

no one expected you to outlive the system.

Thank you.

So will you be above Chris?

- Certainly not. - Yeah. Maybe.

Well, we're just... it's still getting worked out,

plus you should know I'm also being considered

for an extremely senior position back at the NSA.

It's kind of like total vindication.

- Gosh. - How senior are we talking?

I think even older than Mary.

- Maybe I should apply. - No. Actually,

these kinds of roles are only available to men.

You'd be surprised.

Actually, Chris, you know, I don't

really see you as a woman anymore.

No. I'm beginning to see you as an equal.

Will you take the job?

I don't know. Why? Would you miss me if I did?

Yeah.

Ahh. Morning.

Joseph, you know you've been fired.

Oh, I know. Just my pass still works.

You can't just keep wandering in here

whenever you feel like it.

I know. I just... sorry.

Mary, do you mind if I just leave that with you?

- What's that? - Oh, it's I'm just organizing a little whip-round...

- For yourself? - Yeah.

These are not for personal use.

We only use these when there's been a domestic atrocity.

Is that why you're leaving?

Um, by the way, one thing I forgot to ask

just as another way around it, Chris,

would you have any objection to me working from home?

Yes! You've been fired!

- Even if I work from home? - Yes.

It as your inadequacy that you got you fired,

not where you sit in Cheltenham.

- Right. - Ouch.

But seriously, uh, you doing OK?

Yeah.

Maybe you and Jerry could have a joint party.

Why? Have you been fired, as well?

No. I've been promoted.

It's kind of like the opposite.

In fact, I get to put my own team together.

That'll be all, Joseph.

Uh, actually, Chris, I mean, as Joseph's here,

I could really use someone to help

categorize all the Korean chatter.

Joseph doesn't work here anymore.

I mean, I don't speak Korean,

but Jay Wu might give you a hand.

He works in the canteen.

He would have the correct clearance.

He's also completely blind.

Isn't that an advantage when you're handling sensitive material?

- Not always. - Maybe he could just

help me during his lunch break.

Sorry. Are we talking about me or Jay Wu?

Jay Wu. You've been fired.

He doesn't get a lunch break.

He works in the canteen!

Does he get any kind of break?

He's completely blind! OK. Back to work.

- I agree. - Not you!

- Not me. Sorry. - All right, buddy.

Thank you.

- Jerry. - Hyah! Ohh!

No. It's me.

- Man! - Close the blinds.

Ahh.

- No, no. - Oh, sorry.

Ahh.

What's going on?

Oh, I just fancied a little chat really.

So this new promotion, does it come

with, like, a big pay rise then or what?

Oh, yeah. It's, like, off the chart.

It's like silly money.

Oh, wow. How silly?

I might... I might buy The Citrus.

- What, the whole hotel? - Yeah.

Well, if I can't find another job,

I might genuinely need somewhere to stay, so...

Well, if we're not sold out, I mean...

You know of anyone hiring at the moment?

OK. So I don't know how you're gonna feel about this,

but I've been giving it a lot of thought...

You have?

And given your experience working here at GCHQ...

- Yes. - Well, I mean, how would

you feel about going undercover as a terrorist?

Wha?

I don't think I'd be tall enough, Jerry.

Oh, actually, from our point of view,

a short terrorist is a good thing

because you're always looking up,

which is great for CCTV.

Have you ever fired a gun?

No. No, no, no.

Well, there was one time when I was a Cub

and someone brought air rifles in,

but none of them worked, and Akela nearly exploded so...

Yeah. I didn't understand a word of that.

OK. Jerry, I'm just gonna throw this out there.

Given that you've been promoted and you're forming a new team,

would you consider hiring me?

Ha!

- You all right? - Ahem.

Uh... um... yeah. Yeah, I'd consider it.

I mean, I'd have to talk to Chris... first.

I'd worry about how that might look.

Because we used to be married?

No, and I swear to God, you bring that up one more time...

- OK, OK, yeah. - I meant more in terms

of your lack of ability.

Apart from GCHQ, what genuinely makes you happy?

Charlotte obviously.

Um...

and you.

Yeah.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

OK. I'll tell you what.

Listen. I'll talk to Chris.

Thank you, Jerry.

I just can't promise anything, OK?

Yeah.

Oh, I wish there was anything else you could do.

Think it would be OK if I took the cables?

Take what you like.

Hey. Uh, are you Joseph?

Uh, yes. Are you here to fix the photocopier?

No. You're in my seat.

Oh. Sorry. Gosh.

So... so you're like the... the new... the new me.

- What do you think? - I don't know.

What's that?

- You all right? - Yeah.

Does this go any lower?

Um, it should do.

There for a while I had the barrel blocked

because I read that if you adjust it too much

it gives you spina bifida.

- There you go. - OK. Wonderful.

Hello. I'm Mary, by the way.

Hi. That's a very realistic wig.

It's not a wig.

Do you need me to show you where the toilet is?

No. I need you to fuck off.

It's great to have you on the team, Jerry.

We'll celebrate when I'm back.

- Sounds good. - And, Chris...

you know where to find me if you need me.

- Yes. - Whoa.

The Canadian Rockies.

So listen. Would it make things easier

if from now on I sat in your chair?

- No. - I just thought now

that we're on the same pay grade...

We're not, and that's not how it works.

Well, do you think I can, like, have a little spin around in it, or...

- Jerry. - Fine. Go... oh, my God! A spider!

What do you want, Jerry?

Um, so, uh... got it.

So listen. Um, it's about Joseph.

Is he still in the building?

Yeah. I can't get him to leave.

Have you tried the window?

I was thinking there might be another way.

The roof.

You don't want that, do you?

- Sorry. I... - Can you fuck off?

Yes. Yeah.

Hey. Nice to see you again.

OK. I'll cut to the chase.

Assuming Jerry retains his elevated status here

at GCHQ, which given abysmal decisions like this

I'd say won't be for long, he has requested you as his new P.A.

- You're kidding. - Sadly not.

Does it require any formal training?

No. So far as I can tell, it doesn't require any training.

You were designed for this, buddy.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I got your back.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

I won't.

The NRA just called.

Oh. Has my membership lapsed?

Oh, no, sorry. I mean, the NSA.

- Jesus. - Did I get the job?

- What job? - The job at the NSA.

What job at the NSA? Is this the same as my new job?

- What new job? - I've been given a P.A.

- No. You've been made a P.A. - Is that not the same thing?

- What about me? - What do you mean?

- Do I get a P.A.? - You are a P.A.

Never mind any of that.

What did they say?

- Who? - The NRA.

NSA!

Oh. You got the job.

Yes!

Well, that didn't last long.

It was a blast.

Hey. I didn't think you'd come.

Neither did I.

Oh, wow. Wow!

We couldn't work out what to wear,

so we thought we'd play it safe.

Jerry's gonna love it.

Thank you.

I'm on antidepressants.

Have you got a bowl for these keys?

Um...

Just, uh, some little...

Help yourself to them.

So wait. Is this a surprise party or a leaving do?

I'd just rather we didn't really call it anything

until we definitely know who's leaving.

Well, you for starters.

You're leaving again?

Is that the surprise?

I just thought it might be a nice way

to show Jerry how appreciative we are of him being here.

- Before he leaves? - Yeah, or if he decides to stay.

What, and make you his P.A.?

I should think that's unlikely now.

Well, anything's possible.

Conjoined twins are unlikely,

but we've actually got 4 sets in our church.

Well, there you go. Yeah.

I'm actually so confused.

- Hey. - Oh. Hey.

I didn't know if I had the right place.

So, I mean, are all these buildings finished?

Y... yeah. Come in.

- Yeah. Can you, uh... - Yeah. Sure.

So, you know, I'm actually glad

it's just gonna be the two of us

because, um, I wanted you to the first to know that I decided...

- Surprise! - Jesus! Fuck!

No. It's Mary, it's Mary, Jerry.

Thought it was The Purge or something.

What...

What... heh. You guys, you shouldn't have.

Is this my going away party?

Well, at first, it was gonna be mine,

and then it wasn't gonna be anyone's,

and now I guess it's... well, it's...

well, it's up to you.

So yes. Ho! That is so sweet.

Sorry. I'll... sorry.

Two seconds.

Quentin's here. Yay.

Ooh. What's that muck there?

I don't know. Everyone's been clomping

around in their shoes and stuff.

So who here do you already know?

Only Superman and Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah. Just so you're not disappointed,

they're not the actual ones.

When do you want to set light to this?

Oh, and you're absolutely sure it's a celebratory thing?

Yeah. People are doing it on the Internet all the time.

OK. I think just save it for the end then.

Nice way to finish off.

So we got celery, carrot, cucumber.

So you've made your final decision?

I don't know. Maybe I'll stay just to piss you off.

That would be very fitting.

Heh heh. Yeah.

As long as you know who you can trust.

You know, despite your cold, brittle,

impenetrable shell, Chris,

I at least suspected there was something

soft, warm, and gooey lurking inside.

Easy mistake to make.

Heh.

Well, at least this time,

I'll be heading back on my own terms

instead of them trying to extradite me.

That actually happened to one of my African Brownies.

Are you allowed to call them that?

Thankfully, she ended up catching up sepsis on a tree stump,

so she wasn't allowed on the plane.

- Shall we get a drink? - Oh! Thank you.

Hey. You all right?

Hey. What's that?

Oh. That is a, uh, hummus fountain thing.

Ahh. It's nice. You having a good time?

Yeah. I just wish we'd done this more often.

Well, we can if you stay.

Where do you keep your bread?

- Oh. Um... - Hello.

- Sorry. Yeah. - Jerry Bernstein.

- You must be Charlene. - Charlotte.

- Char-lot. - As in the potato.

What... what... what's that?

You not heard of potatoes?

I... heh heh.

You're, um... so you're tall.

Yeah. Always have been.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Your poor mother.

Hmm. She was even taller than me.

Oh. Well, of course obviously.

Otherwise, how would you have, you know, like, pfff?

Come out is what I...

Anyway, I'm so, so glad you're gonna be

looking after my buddy here.

That's a long commitment.

- Well... hopefully. - Could be.

- No, it is. It is. - OK.

I might just, uh, go to the toilet.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Oh.

- Fuck. I'm so sorry. - No, it's all right.

- I totally messed that up. - It's not... not...

- Hi. - Hope you don't mind,

but I just did a wee in your garden.

I don't have a garden.

I... Quentin?

Hopefully it was just a wee.

I don't know if now is a good time,

but here you go.

Aw. That's so kind.

Sorry it's not much.

With what's his name who I like.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

I love him.

Yes. She loves him.

Is that about the guy in the wheelchair?

That's Stephen Hawking.

Such a great actor. Did he used to work at GCHQ?

No.

I think he passed away quite a few years ago now.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

So did you guys get anything for me?

- Therapy. - Cool!

What?

I don't know about you,

but I'd like to propose a toast.

Chrissy, come on. You don't have to do that.

To Joseph.

To Joseph.

"Departed at last with mutual civility

and possibly a mutual desire of never meeting again."

Aw, Chris.

That's so sweet.

Was that Britney?

- Not quite. Jane Austen. - Yes, of course.

Either way, I knew it had to be written by a woman.

Well, I'd like to say something if I may.

About me or you?

Yep. Uh, this is open to interpretation. Ahem.

"We go together

Like rama lama lama

Ka dinga da ding dong

Remembered forever

As shoo-bop

Sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom

That's the way it should be

Wha ooh, yeah."

Wha ooh, yeah.

- So is that Britney? - Yeah.

So is it your birthday then?

Oh. Um, no. Heh. Not quite. No.

I... I... I got fired.

Sorry.

What for?

Gross incompetence.

No. What are you sorry for?

Oh. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me, that's all.

Don't be silly. Couldn't give a shit.

Heh.

Hey. Jerry: Hey.

- You all right? - Yeah.

What?

Ahh. Ohh.

OK, OK. Ah!

- Listen. I wanted to... - Listen. I just wanted to... oh, no. You.

- No. Go ahead. - No. Honestly.

- Go, go, please. - Please.

- Heh heh. - Ha ha!

I just want you to speak.

Just go. Go!

I mean, this... this might sound completely mad,

and obviously I'd need to check with Charlotte first,

but do you think I should go with you?

Yeah. I mean, the only issue I think we'd have with that

is... is in proving that no one else in the States

could do what you do,

you know, just from a visa point of view.

Right. And how... how many people

are there in the States?

Right now, uh, 328 million, not including me.

Oh, it'll... it'll be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

- Yeah. - You know?

We can still Zoom every 5 minutes.

- Yeah! - Yeah?

Yeah. I mean...

obviously, you know, I'll be busy at times.

Well, you know what? I'd be more than happy

to just sort of leave Skype on all day.

You know, even if we're just going about

our normal business, we can still

sort of check in every so often, say hello.

Um, I'm sure we'll... we'll figure something out.

And there's Facetime, and there's WhatsApp,

and there's Houseparty.

Can you... can you... sorry.

- I'm just feeling a bit... - Yeah.

lightheaded.

Oh, eh?

Hmm.

You know what you remind me of?

- No. - A pilot fish.

Do you know the one I mean?

It's... it's one of those fish that swim under sharks.

Oh, yeah, yeah. For added protection. Yeah.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

It's also huge benefit to the shark

because that tiny, little fish eats all the little bits

of dead, dry skin, keeping that shark healthy and tall.

Are you saying that's what you'd like me to do?

No. I just... I just want you to remember that when I'm gone.

Um, Wonder Woman's been sick.

Oh, God. Well, I better...

are... are you coming in, Jerry, or were gonna...

- Oh, give me a minute. - She OK?

No. It's, like, all in her wig.

Oh, God. Does Superman know?

I don't know.

- Push. - Stop crowding me, Joseph.

What am I doing?

You order pizza?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Um, let me just go get my...

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