Original subtitles

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OK. What have we got?

Jerry, what's the latest on Eternal Blue?

I need to update Whitehall.

Well, I'm still analyzing the code

to see if I could get a fix on exactly where

the Russians are operating from.

- I may need to call Zuckerberg. - Mark Zuckerberg? Why?

- We're old friends. - Facebook friends?

How's Zuckerberg going to help?

Fuck if I know.

My gosh, I am so sorry that I am late.

I had a bit of an accident, so...

How's your mum, by the way?

Oh, she's still dead, sadly, Chris.

I'm talking to Mary.

Have you started to miss her yet?

Well, I was going through her old drawers back home,

and I did find a DNR form, which is a bit sad.

Why? What's that?

It means do not resuscitate.

Well, perhaps she's just thinking of the future

and doesn't want to be a burden.

No. This form had my name on it.

What was the name of that form again?

Davina, come over here if you please.

All right. I'm coming. Coming.

They activate my psoriasis. Sorry.

Oh, we also have a request in from Disney

regarding their new streaming service.

Oh, sweet. Will I be able to watch it from my office?

Some of their customers have been subject

to a data-protection breach.

So... yes?

Oh, and just come in from Analytics at GCHQ Bude,

they may have captured a signal

matching Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint.

Well, great. Can they send it over?

I should think no. It's not likely.

Why? With that data, I could immediately locate

where the Russians are operating from and end this thing.

Do they not understand how awesome that would make me look?

Exactly. Bude might want to claim

that victory as their own, which reminds me,

the board have expressed concern that any romantic relationships

between our sister organizations are to be actively discouraged,

as they may prove a security risk.

I hope that's not going to be a problem for anyone.

Does anyone have a knife?

There you go.

* See the line where the sky meets the sea? *

* It calls me, and no one knows how far... *

Hey.

Hey, Jerry, you got a minute?

* And I'll know if I go... know if I go... *

Hey. Sorry about that.

I was looking into that whole Disney thing.

Yeah.

So what's going on? Did you get the location data?

No. It's more pressing than that.

I've got a date tonight.

What? With who?

- OK, but here's the thing. - She's bald?

- No. - She's blind.

- No. - Rabies?

No, Jerry. It's about me.

- You've got rabies? - No, Jerry.

So I'm...

I'm still a virgin.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I kind of figured at that.

Oh, no. Is it obvious?

No. Uh-uh.

Listen, but I'm so sorry. I'm just super busy, OK?

Oh! Ah! Agh!

* If I don't, there's just no telling how far... *

Sorry.

It's pretty good, though, isn't it?

What, "Moana"?

Oh, my God, the Rock is, like, on fire.

No, that I finally got a date.

Yes. Oh, that's great, buddy. Yeah.

Oh, one final thing, just to go back

to what Chris said, it that it's Charlotte

from GCHQ Bude, so... rr!

As in she's on the team that captured

Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?

Yeah, think so.

Well, then this sounds like a perfect opportunity.

For me?

Yes. That's what...

Yes. That's what I... For you.

Evelyn!

Oh!

What?

OK. This is gonna sound strange,

but what if you wore an earpiece and I told you what to say?

Would I need to get them pierced?

No. See, I just think we can both get so much

out of this date, you know?

I don't... What do you mean by...

Nothing makes me happier than playing Cupid...

Oh...

And I just really want to see you score with Scarlett.

- Charlotte. - Margaret. Right.

Have you ever seen the movie "Roxanne"?

- With Steve Martin? - Yeah.

I just... It looked too scary for me.

Oh, it's a comedy.

Well, it's about this guy with a big nose, right...

Yeah?

Who has the hots for this girl,

but the problem is, she's into

this much, much better-looking guy.

Right. How is this helpful?

OK, so I don't really remember the rest of it,

but basically, they do what I'm proposing we do,

and in the end, the guy with the nose, he gets the girl.

The guy with the nose.

Right, while his buddy gets the intel he needs.

Right.

Yeah, and then I think you die.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Mm, and so, apart from the nose,

is there anything else I can do with my appearance to help?

- Stand up. - Yeah?

- All the way. - This is as far as I go.

Sorry. OK, so right off the bat,

I think you should wear something with vertical stripes

because that shirt makes you look even, like, more...

than you are.

You know what? Come over here.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah. Stop right there.

OK. I want you to close your eyes.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself 3 feet taller.

Your legs are growing longer,

and you can now reach a doorknob, OK?

Now open your eyes.

- Oh, my God. - Right?

- Yeah. - Right?

- Wow. - Yeah. Yeah.

See, it's all about positioning yourself

to create the illusion of tallness.

Well, that's actually how they shot

a lot of "Lord of the Rings."

Exactly. Yeah. Feel it out.

Walk around. Try a doorknob.

- So easy. Yeah. - That's so easy.

OK, so Joseph has a hot date tonight,

and we're trying to figure out ways

to make him more attractive.

Want to borrow my jacket?

Oh, no. Well, I used to have a lucky top,

but I stopped wearing it because it was attracting wasps.

Lucky how? I thought you said you've never been laid.

- That's so hot. - Listen.

I know this might sound like a stupid question,

and I hope you don't mind me asking,

but just in case it comes up, where, exactly, is... it?

- The vagina. - The vagina.

Jinx. You owe me a root beer.

Yeah. I mean, just a rough ballpark.

Well it can vary.

- Can it? - Can it?

Oh, jinx again. Tuva, that's two.

Some days, I find mine can be quite high up.

Right. I'm not sure how helpful that is.

You want me to do a drawing?

Yes, please.

So did you never see your mum's?

Not really.

I mean, she died, like, 20 years ago.

And you never saw it before she died?

Not just before, no.

Here you go.

Oh.

Ah. It's a lot bigger than I thought.

It's not to scale.

Right. What's that?

That's the urethra.

Yeah. That's where pee comes out, buddy.

You don't have to worry about that, but, Tuva,

I think you got a lot of this wrong.

What's that little thing up there, for instance?

Yeah. That's explains a lot.

You know, I just think you got to keep things

as simple as possible for Joseph.

And there's no danger of me, you know,

accidentally ending up inside the urethra, say.

It's around 8 millimeters wide.

No. I'm good.

What's going on?

Oh. Um, nothing, just something

suddenly popped up in Joseph's in box,

and we're just trying to fix it.

Hardware or software?

Oh, hardware with any luck.

Well, so long as it isn't a virus...

Oh, no, no, no.

Joseph's equipment is totally clean.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah. It's Mary's we have to worry about.

Oh, gosh, really?

Maybe get someone to take a look at it in that case.

We don't want you infecting the whole department.

Ooh.

Maybe Quentin.

Ah.

Do you know what we're talking about?

Yes.

Computers.

Hey, how's it all going?

Good. Come on in.

I just want to test the earpiece.

Have you ever worn one of these before?

No. I did once get a marble stuck in my ear.

Did you ever get it out?

No, don't think so.

OK, so you want to take this one here

and put it in your other ear.

Right. By the way, it's very kind of you

to go to all this trouble, Jerry, for a first date.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'm just trying to help you out, buddy.

How does that feel?

You say something?

Yeah. OK, so put it back in.

Then I want you to go out there so I can test the range, OK?

Get out so I can test the range.

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Now?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Now?

OK. Can you hear me?

Yeah. It's kind of like I've gone mad.

OK. Don't say anything out loud.

Just wave if you can hear me.

Hey.

So does it work both ways, then?

If I say something out loud, can you hear me, as well?

- Yeah. - What do you mean?

Joseph, my office.

What do you want me to do?

No. No. Go for it. This would be a good test.

Are you OK?

Oh. No. Uh, yeah.

All right. You got this, buddy. Come on.

If I were to go on Scorpio

and see how much analysis you've completed this morning,

would I be pleased or disappointed?

Say anything but the truth.

I think pleased... for a bit...

and then growing more and more disappointed as you realized

just how much time I'd also spent on Moonpig.

Jesus.

I've honestly run out of things to say.

That makes a change.

That makes a change.

- No. - Excuse me?

Sorry. Nothing. I...

This really is your final warning.

I mean it, no more second chances,

no more, "Oh, but Jerry told me to do this,"

or, "Jerry told me to do that."

Wait a minute. Can she see the earpiece?

- No. - I give up.

Yeah, but turn your head away just in case.

No, the other way. No, your other... to the right.

No. Actually, turn... go back. Turn around.

Just get out.

Turn around again. No. Go back. Go back.

You know what? Get out of there. Just get out of there.

Get out!

Yeah. This is gonna work great.

OK. Let me see what you're wearing.

What do you think?

Did you choose that fabric yourself?

No. Do you think I should pretend that I did?

Definitely not.

OK, but the stripes help, though, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

You look like a well-dressed barcode.

- Aww. - Yeah.

Right, so here. Take one of these.

- OK. - OK.

I'm gonna give you a quick spray.

- Right. - What are you doing?

Close your mouth. It's cologne.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah. Women love this shit.

- Is that what it is? - All right.

- You're good to go. - OK.

And can you hear me OK?

Yeah, got one in my wallet.

That's gr...

Ooh! Whoops.

Oh, there we go.

- Hi, hi. - I got a reservation.

- It's Joseph Harries. - Yeah.

- Is she here, do you know? - Yeah. She's just over there.

Oh, great. OK. Thanks.

OK, so I might throw in the odd question about her work

to keep it light, but just go with it, OK?

Don't question anything.

Sure. Hey, Charlotte, you look lovely.

- Who are you? - It's Joseph.

- I'm kidding. - Oh, God.

- Ha ha ha! - Ah. Ha ha ha!

Thank you. Ohh... Can I sit down?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm a little bit late.

I was trying to find something nice to wear.

Oh, did you not find anything?

Ha!

Did you not find anything?

Oh. No.

Just because I heard that it's better for eye contact,

you wouldn't prefer a slightly smaller seat, would you?

What, like a child seat?

I could do it with a high chair.

- I can see you fine. - You know what? It's fine.

Sorry. You don't have, like, a booster seat, do you?

- Not for adults, no. - OK.

Could I get another menu, in that case.

- Won't be thick enough. - Can I get some more bread?

OK, so why don't you start by asking her about work?

See what she's working on at the moment...

Eternal Blue, that kind of thing.

So what are you working on at the moment,

anything exciting or...

Have you got a 6-pack?

Who, me?

Uh, Yeah. Yes. I mean, you can't see it.

Because of the stripes?

Oh, no. I just mean in general,

you can't really see it, but if you push hard enough,

you can feel roughly where it's meant to be.

Just ask her about work again.

So, I mean, what are you working on?

Right. What can I get you?

Can I get some more bread, please?

Yeah. I'd rather you just order.

We're very busy tonight.

OK. You know what?

You have to really impress her with what you eat,

so recommend a dish you've tried here before, OK?

Charlotte, that's really nice.

I had that last time I was here.

Apple juice.

What...

Yeah. It's just mind-blowing.

Would you like an apple juice?

Could you come to me last, please?

How big are your meatballs?

Tiny, but you get 3.

OK. I've got the menu up here.

Just order what I tell you.

I don't like mushrooms.

- What was that? - What was that?

Um, oh, nothing.

I just reminded myself that I really don't like mu...

OK. Tell him you'll start with the mushroom bruschetta.

Can I start with the mushroom bruschetta, please?

You trying to impress me?

I just fancied a bit of a challenge. That's all.

- Is it an allergy? - Yeah. It's quite serious...

Nope. No. Don't say that. It'll make you look weak.

But it's fine.

It's fine. I've got my EpiPen with me, so...

- You know CPR, right? - No.

- And for main? - Um...

The main? The lobster bisque.

- Say again? - And for main?

The lobster bisque.

- The lobster bits. - The what?

- Bisque! - Thank you.

All right, and for you, madam?

Can I get the mozzarella carottes,

the parmigiana, the salmon salad,

some more bread, please, and a bottle of red wine.

- Oh, do you want red wine? - Oh, I'd love red wine.

And two bottles of red wine, then, please.

Oh.

- Can you... - That's good. Yeah.

Give the menus, thanks.

OK, so let's shift the conversation

onto... I don't know... how much she knows about the intel

they captured on Eternal Blue today.

- Oh, shit. - What's wrong.

- Do you need the toilet? - Do you need the toilet?

No. It's just, the lady who cleans the office

has just walked in.

Who, Uma?

So?

OK. Just say it's awkward because you used to bang.

Just a little bit awkward that... hey...

just because my boss is trying to clamp down

on cross-divisional relationships,

and, what with you working a GCHQ Bude

and me working that Cheltenham, I just don't want...

Don't worry about it.

I used to do improv at uni. It'll be fine.

Oh, here we go.

Hi. How you doing?

I'm good, thank you, much, much better now,

thank you, so, yeah, you all right?

Yeah. Good.

- So this is... - Suri, his sister.

What?

Yeah. This is my... This is my sister.

- Half? - No.

No. No. 100% full sister.

Right. You'd never be able to tell. Ha ha ha!

No. No. A few people have said that,

I think just because, obviously, you know,

you're quite that much lighter.

Yeah. Yeah. No.

It's just because I'm just very, very frightened.

Yeah, because she's just always so frightened.

- Right. - Mm.

- Well, have a good night. - Thank you. You take care. Bye.

See? Ha ha!

Very good, very impressive.

OK. Listen.

You're not getting anywhere with this chick, OK?

You need to ask her more about work.

So what's it like working at GCHQ Bude, then?

I love it.

I mostly just deal with sex trafficking,

but I can do a lot of that from the beach, so...

- Right. - What about you?

Well, gosh, we moved to Cheltenham

shortly after my mum died.

No kidding. Mine, too. How old?

- What, her or me? - No. How old were you?

- 12. - Me, too.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God.

How did yours die?

Mechanical engineer at B.A.,

got sucked into a jet engine.

Oh, Charlotte, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. It was over really quick.

She went in faster than the speed of sound,

didn't even have time to scream.

What about yours?

Oh, really boring... bowel cancer.

- Oh, that's not boring. - Really?

- No. - Oh. OK.

Are you serious? Give me a fucking break.

Get that down you.

Oh, wow. Ha ha ha! Mm.

Everything all right with your food?

It's absolutely delicious. Thank you.

You haven't touched it.

I'm just leaving room for dessert.

Is it possible to get some more...

bread, please?

OK. OK. You know what? Let's try a different approach.

Tell her you're thinking of applying for a job

in analytics at GCHQ Bude.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before.

I'm actually thinking of applying for a job

in analytics at GCHQ Bude.

Because you want to see me again?

Oh, well, I mean, that would be lovely.

Scrap that.

All these positions require you to speak Mandarin.

- Can you speak Mandarin? - Eh, comme ci, comme ca.

- Ha ha ha! - You like that?

- Yeah. - Comme ci, comme ca.

OK. Look. Just ask her

about the digital fingerprint they captured, OK?

Tell her I need it to get a fix on a location.

- I need the toilet. - Why?

Got to come out somewhere.

- Oh. - OK, buddy.

This is going so bad, you really need to stick

with what I'm telling you to say.

Jerry, I'm not going to ask her a departmental secret.

She might get fired.

Just say it's the only way you'll know if you can trust her.

- I already trust her. - Oh, come on, man!

You know how important

all this Eternal Blue shit is to me.

This could be my ticket home.

Oh, is that the only reason you're doing all this?

What do you mean?

I was just ordering dessert.

That guy is...

Someone's locked themselves in the loo,

gonna have to hold it in.

- Oh. - Come on, man. You can do this.

So what brings you to Cheltenham, then?

Is it, like, a work thing?

No, had to see you.

What, that's it?

Why? What's wrong with that?

No. No. That's... No. That's great.

Just, no one's ever travelled that far to see me before.

It's only 3 hours. It's just straight up the M5.

- You don't stop? - No, no.

I got on the M5, I'm like a rocket.

So where are you staying tonight?

Yours.

No. This is going nowhere.

Heh.

What's that noise? Are you eating soup?

Shh. We're kissing.

I know.

I do, too.

See? I told you this would work. OK.

Now she's onside, ask her to send you the signal analysis.

Did you get a bit of Wrigley?

I don't think it's fully dissolved.

Right. Who wants dessert?

- We've already ordered. - When?

Sorry. Do you mind just giving us one minute?

Thank you.

OK.

Charlotte, I'm gonna say something right now,

and I'll completely understand if you just want to get up

and leave as a result, but if you don't mind hearing me out,

- that would be... - Great. Go for it.

I'm wearing an earpiece.

What? No. Don't tell her that.

A guy from my department wanted me to try and get

the intel GCHQ Bude captured on Eternal Blue this morning,

but I swear, I didn't know that until now.

He was just meant to be helping me out

because this is my first date in 15 years.

I'm actually still a virgin.

Oh. Can't tell.

- That I'm still a virgin? - You're wearing an earpiece.

Well, I am...

but you're not mad?

Joseph, buddy... buddy, I'm...

Hello?

- Shall we... - Yeah.

I really need some more bread.

- Oh, Yeah. - Yeah.

Sorry, but do you mind

not saying anything to anyone?

We just don't want people at work finding out.

No. That's... understandable.

Thank you. Great. Bye.

You haven't paid!

Ugh.

Want to grab a beer?

No.

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