Original subtitles

MOM, I'M FREAKING OUT.

I FIND OUT TODAY IF NATALIE'S A CANDIDATE

FOR THE GIFTED MAGNET SCHOOL PROGRAM.

MMM! I MEAN, IF SHE GETS IN,

SHE'LL GET AN AMAZING AND FREE EDUCATION,

PLUS IT PUTS YOU ON TRACK FOR ALL THE BEST COLLEGES.

DID I JUST EAT A CHICKEN'S ASS?

MY BROTHER AND I USED TO FIGHT OVER THOSE.

FUN. (smacks lips) UGH.

(bottles rattle) NATALIE IS SO TALENTED,

AND THESE DAYS, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR KID,

OTHERWISE YOU COULD END UP WITH AN EDUCATION

BASED ON, OH, I DON'T KNOW.

GEOGRAPHIC CONVENIENCE.

THANK YOU, SISTERS, FOR LETTING POLLY ENROLL MID-YEAR. (bell tolls)

AND SHE'S JEWISH, BUT SHE'LL PLAY ALONG.

THIS IS GONNA BE MY VIETNAM.

(bell tolls) (murmuring)

I WAS BLAMED EVERY DAY AT LUNCH

FOR THE DEATH OF THEIR SAVIOR.

(sighs) ALL I KNOW IS IF THERE IS AN ORANGE FOLDER

IN THAT BACKPACK, IT MEANS SHE IS ELIGIBLE.

THIS COULD BE LIFE-CHANGING.

I MEAN, LIKE WHEN CHARLIE BUCKET FINDS THAT GOLDEN TICKET

IN "WILLY WONKA," AND THEN GRANDPA JOE DANCES

OUT OF THAT GROSS OLD-PEOPLE BED LIKE THAT.

WELL, SHE'S DEFINITELY GONNA GET IN.

SHE'S A BRILLIANT GENIUS.

AT LONG LAST, IT'S HAPPENED.

I HAVE FINISHED... "MY VERY OWN BROOKLYN." AAH!

OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC! OH!

(Polly) MY STEPFATHER MAX HAS BEEN OBSESSED

WITH WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL PLAY

FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.

THE CUCKOO CLOCK IS A METAPHOR FOR HIS CHILDHOOD.

CUCKOO CLOCK.

HIS BEARD HAD COME IN, BUT DEEP INSIDE,

HE WAS STILL THE SCARED LITTLE BOY.

THANK YOU, DARLING.

BEARD...

"AN ADULT MAX PUTS HIS HAND ON THE SHOULDER OF YOUNG MAX.

'I'LL CARE FOR YOU,' HE SAYS. LIGHTS DIM."

THE END?

OF ACT ONE.

(sighs) "INTERIOR-- BROOKLYN APARTMENT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA GET TOGETHER SOME OF THE OLD COMPANY,

AND WE'RE GONNA STAGE A READING.

MM. RIGHT?

BUT WHO'S THE--UH, TANYA TO PLAY MY GRANDMOTHER.

TANYA'S OUT OF COMMISSION. HER BROW LIFT WENT HAYWIRE.

SHE CAN ONLY LOOK UP.

OKAY, THEN SHE'LL BE THE WOMAN

WHO POINTS TO GERMAN PLANES OVERHEAD.

UH... I...

I MEAN, COME ON. (speaks indistinctly)

(brakes squeal)

OKAY.

(gasps) LACEY GOT INTO THE MAGNET PROGRAM! WE ARE SO EXCITED.

YAY! UH-OH. YOUR "CHECK ENGINE" LIGHT'S ON.

UGH. "CHECK ENGINE. CHECK OIL." THIS CAR IS SO NEEDY.

WELL, F.Y.I.,

THERE'S 19 ORANGE FOLDERS THAT ALREADY WENT OUT,

SO THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

I WILL KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU,

SINCE I DON'T NEED TO CROSS THEM FOR ME ANYMORE.

OHH! THANK YOU.

(sighs)

(indistinct conversations)

HI, MOMMY. HI. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LET ME SEE THE BACKPACK.

(exhales deeply) (drum roll playing)

(dramatic orchestral score playing)

(gasps)

YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT THE LAST ORANGE FOLDER!

(laughs) (all speaking at once)

GO, POLLY! GO STRAIGHT HOME AND TELL YOUR PARENTS! GO!

(instrumental "(I've Got a) Golden Ticket" playing)

(music slows to a stop)

OH, CRAP. I FORGOT NATALIE.

HMM. OKAY, WE HAVE TO HAVE NATALIE'S APPLICATION IN

BY 3:00 TOMORROW, WHICH SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

BECAUSE I AM THE MOTHER OF A GIFTED CHILD.

YEAH. YOU PUT HER NAME IN THE ADDRESS LINE.

OH, YEAH, OFF TO A ROUGH START.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT NATALIE WAS GIFTED,

BUT WHEN, LIKE, THESE NERDY EXPERTS AGREE,

IT FEELS AMAZING.

LIKE WE ARE GIFTED. UH, YEAH.

LIKE, I'M TAKING GUITAR LESSONS ONLINE.

I CAN OPEN ALMOST ANY LOCK. MM.

I'M EXTREMELY BUOYANT.

AND I CAN PICK UP ANYTHING WITH MY FEET. (thud)

(whispers) WOW.

HUH?

NOW YOU'RE JUST SHOWBOATING.

OH, NO, SHOWBOATING WOULD BE, LIKE,

BRUSHING MY TEETH OR SOMETHING,

WHICH I CAN ALSO DO.

SHOULD'VE TAKEN MORE ADVANTAGE OF THAT FOOT THING

WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.

THE NEXT DAY, MAX GOT SOME BAD NEWS FROM LOIS... (barks)

THE FLAKY ACTRESS WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE PART

OF HIS GRANDMOTHER.

ONE ADULT DIAPER COMMERCIAL,

AND SHE'S TOO BIG FOR THE THEATER.

THIS IS VERY STRESSFUL, ELAINE. I KNOW.

PEOPLE FROM OUR OLD ACTING CLASS ARE COMING. MM.

PEOPLE WHO KNOW I DIDN'T MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR.

BUP, BUP. SH-SHE'S ASSUMING THE POSITION.

GIVE HER PRIVACY.

(dog yaps)

I COULD PLAY YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

HUH?

WELL, IT COULD--

IT COULD ADD A DIFFERENT DYNAMIC TO THE--TO THE--TO THE-- (whispers) YES.

THE REASON HE KEEPS REPEATING "TO THE"

IS BECAUSE OF HIS UNSPOKEN FEAR

MY MOM IS MORE TALENTED THAN HE IS.

"ELAINE GREEN'S BLANCHE IS EXTRAORDINARILY CAPTIVATING."

"AND A STARK CONTRAST...

TO MAX GREEN'S BIZARRE, EFFEMINATE STANLEY KOWALSKI."

OKAY. OH, HONEY, REVIEWS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

JESUS IS SO NICE.

I HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO HIM.

OH, BOY.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD BE BETTER AT THIS THAN ME?

I KNOW ALL THE GRANDMA STORIES GOING IN--

THE BAD BREATH PIANO LESSON, THE ICE CREAM BRIBE

TO GET YOU TO THROW THE DEAD CAT IN THE EAST RIVER.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE IN.

AAH! YOU'RE MY BUBBE MESCHEL.

OH, GOD, THAT'S FANTASTIC! OKAY, TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY, HONEY.

COME HERE. COME ON. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, YOU HAVE BAGGIES, YOUNG LADY,

ATTACHED TO THAT LEASH.

YOU KNOW, THE FRENCH NEVER CLEAN UP AFTER THEIR DOGS,

AND EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE SOPHISTICATED.

(sighs)

(keys jangle)

(engine grinding)

NO, NO, NO, YOU WHORE. DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

(engine resumes grinding)

OHH!

WHY?

(sighs) (beep)

OH, MY GOD. (panting)

WHOO!

* MADEMOISELLE, WELL, YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY *

* OR NO JOB

JULIAN, MY CAR WON'T START,

AND I HAVE TO GET NATALIE'S APPLICATION IN,

AND MAX AND ELAINE AREN'T HERE,

AND WHY AM I LEAVING YOU THIS MESSAGE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME THIS IS?!

DISREGARD. (beep)

(sighing)

HI. I'M JUST DROPPING OFF MY DAUGHTER'S APPLICATION.

OH. I'M JUST TRYING ONE OF THOSE ALL NATURAL DEODORANT ROCKS.

IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO SWITCH BACK TO OLD FAITHFUL.

CAN I GET A SIP OF THAT WATER?

THERE'S ONLY ONE COPY.

HMM? SHOULD THERE BE MORE THAN ONE?

DO YOU HAVE A COPY MACHINE?

THERE'S ONE IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.

GREAT. (whispers) BUT IT'S FOR TEACHERS.

OH.

(papers rustle)

OH, I'M A TEACHER SOMEWHERE ELSE,

SO WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER, RIGHT, GUYS? HUH? LIKE COPS.

(panting)

OKAY. HERE YOU GO. I ALREADY LOCKED THEM IN DR. SKRUTZ'S OFFICE.

THE APPLICATION PROCESS IS CLOSED.

WHO MADE UP ALL THESE STUPID FORMS ANYWAY?

YOU--YOU DID. YOU DID, LINDA. YAY!

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?

DO I REMIND YOU OF SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE?

YES. OH.

MY PRETTY SISTER. SHE'S SO DISORGANIZED.

I CAN'T STAND HER.

TAKE IT. TAKE IT.

TAKE IT. TAKE IT.

TAKE IT.

TAKE IT, PLEASE.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT, LINDA.

SO, UM, I HAD A QUESTION FOR YA.

WHAT IF I WERE TO BRING MY GUITAR TONIGHT-- NO, THANK YOU.

NO, I-I-I MEAN, I COULD DO SOME INTERSTITIAL STUFF, YOU KNOW?

WANNA KEEP THE VIBE GOING BETWEEN ACTS.

LIKE IF THERE'S A SAD MOMENT, I COULD PLAY...

(hums melancholy tune)

THEN THERE'S A HAPPY MOMENT, IT'D BE... * DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO OKAY, LISTEN TO ME.

OKAY, THIS IS NOT TOM STOPPARD'S "ROCK 'N' ROLL,"

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS A SENTIMENTAL LOVE LETTER

TO MY FRACTURED YOUTH.

I'LL JUST KEEP THE AXE IN THE TRUCK IN CASE.

YOU WILL NOT. HONEY, HONEY, ABOUT BUBBE'S MONOLOGUE--

YOU WROTE IT AS WEEPY,

BUT WHAT MAKES HER REALLY COMPELLING

IS HER DEFIANCE.

OH, OKAY. SHE WAS NEVER COMPELLING.

READ ME IN. YEAH, OKAY.

"ALL THE PAIN, THE ANGUISH--

"YOU TOOK IT OUT ON ME, AN INNOCENT BOY...

(strained voice) WHEN YOU REALLY HATED YOURSELF."

(imitates Russian accent) WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

8 YEARS OLD,

MY FAMILY AWOKE TO THE SOUND OF THE APPROACHING COSSACKS.

IT WAS AN UGLY SOUND-- STRANGE MEN LAUGHING,

LOOKING TO DO THE DEVIL'S WORK.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS LIFE. IT WAS HANDED TO ME BY GOD,

AND I HAVE DONE WHAT I CAN TO MAKE IT WORK,

TO DO MY BEST TO SURVIVE. (sentimental violin playing)

INNOCENT BOY.

WHAT ABOUT MY INNOCENCE?

NEVER LOOK BACK.

(gasps)

NEVER LOOK BACK.

(normal voice) YEAH.

(whispers) WOW.

(exhales)

ELAINE. WOW. (exhales)

MAX, YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE HER. SHE'S GONNA STEAL THE SHOW.

YEAH, WELL, SHE'S A GOOD COLD READER.

YEAH. BUT I-I THINK WE SAW WHERE THE PROBLEMS ARE,

AND WE CAN ADDRESS THOSE. OOH.

NO, NO, NO, SHE'S GONNA TAKE IT TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

I FELT THAT ONE. IT WAS DEEP.

YOU...

CHAIRS. CHAIRS. YEAH.

CHAIRS. OH, CHAIRS. YEAH.

(door opens) OKAY, LET'S BRING OUT NUMBER TWO.

THAT'S NUMBER ONE.

(door closes) I MISSED THE MAGNET APPLICATION DEADLINE,

SO OUR DAUGHTER'S FUTURE'S SHOT,

AND SHE'S GONNA BE A FULL-NUDE STRIPPER,

BECAUSE THEY MAKE MORE THAN JUST TOPLESS,

AND THOSE ARE THE FACTS.

OKAY, CALM DOWN. HOW CAN WE FIX THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? BUT WE HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT,

BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF

IF SHE DOES NOT GET IN.

OOH, I HAVE A THEORY THAT MIGHT HELP.

AH, WHAT IF SUBCONSCIOUSLY, YOU ARE SABOTAGING NATALIE?

HOW DOES THIS HELP ME RIGHT NOW?

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW. I MEAN, IT'S A NORMAL HUMAN IMPULSE.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HER GOING TO COLLEGE,

WHICH MEANS SHE'S LEAVING YOU ONE DAY,

SO YOU'RE SABOTAGING HER NOW BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER,

AND YOU WANNA KEEP HER WITH YOU.

DO YOU REALIZE THE IRONY OF YOU SAYING THIS TO ME

AS I'M MOVING IN YOUR HOUSE AT MY AGE?

WELL, I DIDN'T, BUT I DO NOW.

STOP IT. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW.

I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD JUST SLIP NATALIE'S FILE

IN THERE WITH ALL THE OTHERS, BUT WE CAN'T,

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL LOCKED IN DR. SKRUTZ'S OFFICE.

(exhales)

WHAT KIND OF LOCK IS THIS GUY ROCKIN'?

DEAD BOLT? PUSH BUTTON? 7 PIN?

UH--

'CAUSE I CAN'T DO ANY OF THOSE. HMM.

BUT IF HE HAS SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE,

I THINK I CAN GET US IN.

HOW "BUBBE MESCHEL" IS THIS SCARF?

OH, IT'S--IT'S AMAZING. YEAH. LOOK AT IT.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

OKAY. (laughs)

THANK YOU. I'M JUST DOING SOME LAST-MINUTE REWRITES HERE.

(typing) WHAT? YOU CUT MY MONOLOGUE DOWN TO ONE LINE?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT FELT A LITTLE LONG,

AND I DIDN'T WANT IT TO, UH, YOU KNOW, GET IN THE WAY

OF MAX'S TRIUMPHANT MOMENT, YOU KNOW?

AND ALSO, YOU, HONESTLY-- YOU'RE KINDA PUSHING A BIT.

WHAT? YES.

REALLY? 'CAUSE... I FELT LIKE I KINDA NAILED IT.

I MEAN, I MADE JULIAN CRY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE CRIES WHEN HE DROPS A HOT DOG.

HONEY, I REALLY FEEL LIKE YOUR NEUROTIC ANXIETY

IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR ARTISTIC PERSPECTIVE.

AND I FEEL THAT YOUR MANIA FOR THE SPOTLIGHT

IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR RESPECT

FOR THE PLAYWRIGHT'S VISION. (paper rustles)

FINE.

(paper rustles)

I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

I CAN SELL ANYTHING.

TERRIFIC. THANK YOU.

PUSHING?

LIKE A TINY WOMAN HAVING A GIANT BABY.

HOW IS YOUR MOM, ANYWAY?

OKAY, YOU WATCH MY 6 WHILE I WORK ON THIS LOCK.

WHAT? 6, 9, 12, 3,

LIKE A CLOCK.

BUT THE CLOCK IS, LIKE, LYING DOWN FLAT?

(whispers) YEAH, THE CLOCK IS LYING DOWN FLAT.

YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY CHANCE THAT I WAS, LIKE,

SABOTAGING NATALIE SUBCONSCIOUSLY, DO YOU?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS.

I BARELY BELIEVE IN THE CONSCIOUS.

THANK GOD FOR YOU.

HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?

HOW LONG IS WHAT GONNA TAKE?

NICE! OH, YEAH.

(gasps) (door closes)

OH, LOOK AT THESE FRAMES. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED.

WHO CARES ABOUT THE FRAMES? HELP ME.

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT-- (footsteps approach, keys jangle)

(both) SKRUTZ.

OKAY, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

COME ON.

(door opening) OW.

(keys jangle)

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(beep) NEIL SKRUTZ.

YES. PARTY OF ONE AT 7:30 P.M. THANK YOU--

(cell phone beeps)

LET ME GUESS. (cell phone clatters)

YOUR FOLDER'S LATE, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO SLIP IT IN.

YES.

LOOK, I'M NATALIE'S MOTHER,

AND MY DAUGHTER SHOULD NOT BE PENALIZED

BECAUSE I SCREWED THIS UP.

IS THERE ANY--PLEASE--WAY THAT YOU WOULD RECONSIDER?

OH, I COULD DO MANY THINGS.

I COULD PLAY SAMUEL BARBER'S "ADAGIO IN D"

ON THE PENNY WHISTLE.

I COULD RELEASE ALL THE BEARS FROM THE ZOO.

THAT'D BE WEIRD. I COULD RECONSIDER, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO,

BECAUSE WE MUST ALL LIVE WITH THE CHOICES THAT WE'VE MADE.

NO, PLEASE, NO. LISTEN, BUD, I GOT--

EASY, EASY, EASY. IT'S ALL GOOD. I AM NATALIE'S FATHER.

(whispers) YES, HE'S HER FATHER.

AND, UH, I THINK I HAVE A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM,

AND HIS NAME IS ANDREW JACKSON. SAY... HMM?

HELLO. ALTHOUGH IF I COULD GET A LINCOLN BACK,

THEN I COULD PUT SOME GAS IN MY TRUCK.

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE THE FIRST PARENTS

TO TRY TO GET AROUND THE SYSTEM?

NO. NO. YES.

YES. NO. YEAH, I DON'T-- UH, PROBABLY NOT.

I HAVE BEEN OFFERED GIFT BASKETS,

SEXUAL FAVORS...

(clenches teeth) DON'T PUSH ME.

I WAS EVEN OFFERED TICKETS TO "THE BOOK OF MORMON"

WITH THE ORIGINAL CAST.

(gasps) OH.

MM. I TOOK THOSE.

YOU'RE A THEATER BUFF. YOU'RE UP, BUDDY.

(under breath) GET OFF, GET OFF.

"BUFF"? I STUDIED WITH HERBERT BERGHOF.

(chuckles) MY MOTHER TRIED TO SLEEP WITH HERBERT BERGHOF.

YOU KNOW, ALL OF MY PARENTS' FRIENDS

ACTUALLY STUDIED AT H.B. STUDIOS,

AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA BE AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT,

BECAUSE MY STEPFATHER IS DOING A READING OF HIS NEW PLAY.

YOU SHOULD COME.

MIGHT BE A LITTLE AWKWARD.

IT WILL ONLY BE AWKWARD IF YOU SAY "NO."

AND NATALIE IS ACTUALLY IN IT.

SHE'S IN--IN THE PLAY. SHE'S IN THE PLAY.

IF--IF YOU SAW HER, AND YOU MET HER TONIGHT...

THEN YOU WOULD OVERLOOK ALL OF THIS

AND YOU WOULD CONSIDER HER APPLICATION.

8:00? (paper rustles)

I SUPPOSE I COULD MISS MY AROMATHERAPY WORKSHOP.

(exhales) THAT SOUNDS MISS-ABLE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, OUTTA HERE.

THANK YOU. YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS.

OH, AND IF YOU EVER DO KINDA LOSE YOUR MIND

AND RELEASE THE BEARS, LET ME KNOW,

'CAUSE I'M TERRIFIED OF BEARS. NO.

BUT I'M AFRAID OF BEARS. I KNOW I'M AFRAID OF BEARS. (indistinct)

(whistles) HEY, SWEET PEA. HELLO.

SO EVERYTHING IS SET IN THE LIVING ROOM.

ONE QUICK THOUGHT.

I THINK WE REALLY DO NEED SOME BACKGROUND MUSIC.

SHOULD I TURN ON THE STEREO, OR--

IF I SEE A GUITAR, YOUR RECTUM SEES A GUITAR.

COPY THAT.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAD TIME TO WRITE NATALIE INTO THE PLAY.

HER FUTURE IS DEPENDENT ON DAZZLING SKRUTZ.

OKAY, WELL, I RAN OUT OF TIME, SO I GAVE HER THE PART

OF BUBBE'S SISTER IDA.

NOW I KNOW IT'S A BIT OF A STRETCH,

BUT ANYTHING FOR OUR FUTURE HARVARD GRADUATE.

HEY, HONEY, HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?

WHAT'S... CHAZERAI?

NO, NO, HONEY. (guttural voice) CHAZERAI.

YOU HAVE TO HIT THE "CH." CHAZERAI.

CHAZERAI.

(chuckles)

(chuckles) OY.

IT'S JUST, I'M SUPPRESSING ANGER ABOUT MY MONOLOGUE BEING CUT,

AND I HAVE NO PLACE TO PUT IT RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT TO MAX.

COME ON.

AND I'M PERFORMING TONIGHT.

SO I CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE PILL OR ANYTHING.

(horn honking) JUST LEFT OUT ON MY OWN.

HEY, HEY, HEY. HELLO. HELLO.

DID YOU JUST LEAVE THAT DOG POOP?

(dog yapping) YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I AM SUPPRESSING MY ANGER.

MADAM, YOU ARE A LUNATIC.

OH, I'M A LUNATIC, AM I?

(blows raspberry)

(continues blowing raspberry)

(blows raspberry)

(blows raspberry)

(doorbell rings)

DR. SKRUTZ, YOU ARE JUST IN TIME.

WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START. I'M SORRY. I'M A BIT FRAZZLED.

I WAS JUST PULLING UP WHEN I GOT INTO THIS ALTERCATION... (door closes)

WITH A CRAZY, CURLY-HAIRED WOMAN

WALKING HER YORKIE. PEOPLE ARE JERKS.

RIGHT? I MEAN, COME ON IN. HAVE A GLASS OF WINE.

YES, SKRUTZ IS IN THE HOUSE.

WE ARE GOLDEN-- SHUT UP. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

THERE'S A SITUATION A-BREWIN', AND THESE PEOPLE

HAVE ALREADY TORN THROUGH THE SMOKED SALMON

LIKE SEAGULLS ON A TRASH BARGE. OH.

DO SOMETHING--ANYTHING TO KEEP THEM OCCUPIED.

HELLO, MY LADY. (clears throat)

IT IS SHOWTIME. (plays guitar)

I WANT! MA-MOO-MEE-MOO.

I... WANT. I WANT! EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.

EVERY FEATHERY BIRD. EVERY FEATHERY BIRD. I... WANT, I WANT, I WANT.

I-- I--

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE WALKING THE DOG?

BECAUSE THE MAGNET DIRECTOR WHO KINDA HOLDS MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE

IN HIS HANDS RIGHT NOW SAID HE GOT FLIPPED OFF

BY A CRAZY WOMAN WITH A YORKIE.

OHH. UH-HUH. MM-HMM. YEAH. UH-HUH?

UH, WELL... (laughs) WHAT IS HAPPENING?

MOM, IF HE FINDS OUT THAT YOU'RE NATALIE'S GRANDMOTHER,

THIS WHOLE THING IS BLOWN.

MOM CANNOT BE IN THE PLAY NOW. SKRUTZ CAN'T SEE HER. NO!

AND THERE IT IS.

YOU CAN'T LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT

WITHOUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY SABOTAGING ME.

(strums chord) THIS FIRST SONG

IS ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND OLIVIA WHO CAN'T BE HERE TONIGHT.

SHE'S STUCK IN SANTE FE ON BUSINESS. HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

**

* YOUR TURQUOISE JEWELRY SPARKLES IN THE SUN *

* YOU PUT A SMILE, MM, ON EVERYONE *

* YOU TOOK AWAY MY OLIVIA

* NOW I'LL HAVE A HARD TIME FORGIVIN' YA *

* SO BURN, BURN, BURN

* MM, YEAH, SANTA FE, BURN, BURN, BURN *

* SANTA FE

OH, YOU SABOTAGED YOURSELF.

I OFFERED TO BE IN YOUR PLAY.

I GAVE A GREAT PERFORMANCE, AND YOU JUST CUT IT OUT,

CAUSING ME TO SUPPRESS MY ANGER.

INEFFECTIVELY. INEFFECTIVELY.

YOU KNOW, I WANTED YOU TO SHINE, MAX,

BUT I AM A SENSITIVE PERSON. I HAVE CREATIVE NEEDS

I WANTED TO EXPRESS IN THIS PLAY, TOO, YOU KNOW. EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.

EVERY FEATHERY BIRD. I HAD A VERY HARD LIFE!

OH, PLEASE, I HAD A HARD LIFE AS WELL.

HOW MANY CATS HAVE YOU THROWN INTO THE RIVER?

HOW MANY? YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER HAD ELECTRIC SHOCK SEVEN TIMES.

I WAS 5'10" WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.

I WAS-- TALLER THAN MY FATHER!

I WAS 300 POUNDS. I WAS A FREAK OF NATURE!

THEY HAD TO MAKE A SPECIAL OUTFIT FOR ME

JUST AT CAMP. I DIDN'T HAVE SPECIAL OUTFITS. LOOK--

I COULDN'T EVEN WEAR THE BLUE SHORTS.

OH, NO. THEY HAD SPECIAL GREEN SHORTS JUST FOR THE FATTY!

AND YOU ACCESS THAT PAIN IN YOUR ACTING,

WHICH IS SOMETHING I COULD NEVER DO. (sighs)

DON'T... YOU SEE IT'S WHY YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN ME?

AND...

THAT'S WHY I CUT YOUR PART.

WELL, MAYBE I SOMEHOW SUBCONSCIOUSLY...

SABOTAGED YOU.

OH, MAX, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, TOO, BABY. OH.

YOU'RE FANTASTIC. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE CUT YOUR MONOLOGUE.

YOUR WORDS GOT ME THERE, BABE.

YES. YES, THEY DID.

(crying)

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WELL, THE TWO OF YOU TALKING

ABOUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY SABOTAGING EACH OTHER

MAKES ME THINK MAYBE I DID THAT TO NATALIE.

I MEAN, IT'S POSSIBLE.

YOU RAISED ME, AND YOU PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

IT IS POSSIBLE. SEE?

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SAID THAT TO YOU.

COME HERE. COME HERE. I'M NOT...

MAYBE I WAS JUST PROJECTING A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH, WE WERE-- YOU--YOU CAN'T...

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT PROJECTING.

NO, NO. NO MORE THEORIES. (clicks teeth) LISTEN, POLLY,

YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

(voice breaking) THANKS. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE MOM CAN'T BE IN THE PLAY,

BECAUSE SHE FLIPPED OFF SKRUTZ, SO WE HAVE NO BUBBE MESCHEL.

OKAY, THAT PART WASN'T CLEAR TO ME--

YES, WE... (gasps) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? (humming)

UM, I'M GONNA-- MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO HEAR HER READ FIRST. USE THAT EMOTION.

(imitates Russian accent) I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

BUBBE, I KNOW I PROMISED TO CLEAN THE BASEMENT,

BUT THE GUYS ARE WAITING FOR ME AT THE BASEBALL FIELD.

ELSIE, THE BOY IS TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU!

(laughter)

TAKE THIS LAST COIN, MAXIE,

SO MY MEMORY WILL LIVE ON.

TAKE IT. I'M SICK OF THIS CHAZERAI.

OKAY, BUBBE.

(whispers) OKAY.

THAT IS THE END.

...OF THE FIRST READING.

BELIEVE ME, WE'LL BE DOING THIS PLAY AGAIN,

BECAUSE EVEN IF WE SABOTAGE EACH OTHER,

WE NEVER GIVE UP TRYING. (mouthing words)

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FAMILY THAT WANTED TO BE GIFTED SO BADLY.

LET'S JUST ASSUME THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

WELL, WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU'RE STILL A GREAT MOM,

AND NATALIE IS A GREAT KID.

AND A GREAT OLDER JEWISH WOMAN.

BUT LET'S HURRY THIS UP.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITHIN 50 FEET OF DR. SKRUTZ.

OKAY. HERE GOES.

(sighs) WHAT IS THIS?

SORRY. THEY REALLY DRILL THAT STUFF INTO YOU.

WELL, IT CAN'T HURT. I NEVER KNOW IF IT'S RIGHT TO LEFT OR LEFT TO--

I'M GONNA DO A STAR.

(mouthing words)

(gasps) THERE.

(Elaine) OH! (all screaming)

(all cheering and laughing)

PART OF MY BRAIN, PART OF YOUR BRAIN,

EQUALS YOUR BRAIN!