Original subtitles

LET THE CELEBRATION OF MY BIRTH BEGIN.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY.

OH, THANK YOU. MWAH. AH.

YOU'RE MORE BEAUTIFUL TODAY THAN THE DAY I MET YOU.

WELL, I HOPE SO.

IT WAS ST. PATRICK'S DAY, AND I WAS COVERED IN GREEN VOMIT.

I THINK IT WAS MINE. (laughs) (laughs)

WHERE'S POLLY? SHE'S GONNA MAKE US LATE.

WELL, I CAN GO INSTEAD. I MEAN, I KNOW I'M NOT A WOMAN,

BUT I HAVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE VERY FEMININE ANKLES. NO.

WELL, IT'S AN ALL-GIRL LUNCHEON.

WE CAN CELEBRATE WHEN WE GET BACK.

WE'LL HAVE CHAMPAGNE, AND WE'LL DO THE THING

WITH THE... THING.

WITH THE THING? (door opens)

OH, I'LL HAVE TO DO MY STRETCHES.

(Polly) SORRY, SORRY, SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

I'M LATE. THE PROGRAM I STARTED TO HELP

FEED THE HOMELESS MUST HAVE MADE THE COVER OF "THE HOBO TRIBUNE"

BECAUSE WE HAD A HUGE TURNOUT TODAY.

OKAY, I AM OFF TO WASH MY NETHERS,

AND THEN WE WILL GO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1979.

PLEASE. LIKE SHE COULD HANDLE THAT.

PLEASE. COULDN'T HANDLE 1989.

OR '82. '82. HELLO.

ASK 'EM, ASK 'EM, ASK 'EM, ASK 'EM!

(Julian) HERE WE GO.

HEY, GUYS, LISTEN, I WAS WONDER--

I AM NOT A BANK. DO I LOOK LIKE A BANK?

I WAS WONDERING IF IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF I BOUGHT NATALIE

A PLAYHOUSE FOR YOUR BACKYARD.

A PLAYHOUSE. FANTASTIC.

(gasps) WE CAN DO "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."

NO, HONEY, I THINK THEY'RE REFERRING

TO A DIFFERENT KIND OF PLAYHOUSE.

THOUGH YOU WOULD MAKE A STUNNING MAGGIE THE CAT.

I WOULD. I REALLY, REALLY... (whispers) REALLY WOULD.

PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE?

WITH CHOCOLATE ALMONDS ON TOP?

DAMN IT. SHE KNEW SHE'D GET ME WITH THE CHOCOLATE ALMONDS.

(whispers) NICE ONE. ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT IT. YAY!

COME ON. MM.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA.

IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?

THANK YOU. AW.

SEE YA, KIDDO. AW.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE I HAVE FINAL APPROVAL

ON THE DESIGN OF THE PLAYHOUSE.

WE'RE VERY PROUD OF OUR HOME,

AND I DON'T WANT TO END UP WITH AN EYESORE ON OUR PROPERTY.

SURE. GREAT. I WAS GONNA ORDER ONE TODAY.

HEY, WE COULD DO IT TOGETHER. IN FACT,

WE COULD HAVE LUNCH AND THEN MAKE A DAY OF IT.

OR... I EAT LUNCH ALONE, THEN I LOOK ONLINE

AT DIFFERENT PLAYHOUSES, THEN YOU CAN LEAVE.

THAT SOUNDS FUN, TOO.

OH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

MY DAUGHTER, THE CHILD I MADE, IS THE PRETTIEST

OF ALL THE DAUGHTERS. THANK YOU, MOMMY.

GAIL'S DAUGHTER EDEN USED TO BE THE PRETTIEST,

BUT THEN SHE WENT TO ARGENTINA,

DISCOVERED EMPANADAS, AND I DON'T KNOW--

STOPPED GOING TO THE DENTIST.

I WONDER THAT'D BE LIKE TO GO TO ARGENTINA... OR THE DENTIST.

OKAY, SO JUST BE YOURSELF. DON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE

WHEN JESSOOKA FLIRTS WITH ME, 'CAUSE SHE'S HAD A CRUSH ON ME

FOR, LIKE, 20 YEARS, AND DON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE

WHEN I FLIRT BACK. (chuckles)

'CAUSE I LOVE TO RIDE THE EDGE.

¿QUE PASO, AMIGAS?

(women) AAH!

AW. THE BIRTHDAY GIRL'S HERE!

* HA-- NO, FLORA, NOT YET.

DO YOU ALL REMEMBER MY STUNNING OFFSPRING POLLY?

STUNNING OFFSPRING HERE. HEY. HELLO.

REMEMBER DEIRDRE WITH THE BENIGN OVARIAN CYSTS?

OH! BENIGN. I THOUGHT YOU SAID NINE OVARIAN--

SO THAT IS... BETTER. AND JESSOOKA,

WHO MAKES THE GIANT WAX FIGURES. ELAINE.

I MADE A WAX MOLD OF YOU AS A TRIBAL WOMAN

THAT JUST SCREAMS "TASTE MY BOUNTY."

* HA-- FLORA, DO YOU SEE CANDLES?

OH, AND THE LOVELY CAROLINE, MY FORMER AGENT. HI.

REMEMBER ALL THE FUN WE USED TO HAVE WHEN YOUR MOM WAS ACTING?

OH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS. YES.

THEY CERTAINLY WERE.

DON'T MIND ME.

NICE HAT, KID. VERY PACINO IN "SERPICO."

MRS. GREEN. I'M JUST GONNA BE A MINUTE.

(whispers) ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TO GO.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE EXTRAS IN A VELVEETA COMMERCIAL

SO MOMMY CAN GET HER SCREEN ACTORS GUILD CARD.

WHAT ABOUT THE SPELLING TEST?

WELL, YOU CAN SPELL WORDS ON THE WAY TO THE SHOOT,

LIKE "VELVEETA."

V-A-- (door opens)

NO WONDER I CAN'T SPELL.

GOOD TIMES AUDITIONING, WORKING ON MY CRAFT.

WAKING UP ON THE SIDEWALK IN THE MEATPACKING DISTRICT.

YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR ME.

IT'S NO BIGGIE. I'M NOT ONE TO HOLD ON TO THE SPOTLIGHT.

REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN--

DID I EVER TELL YOU MY STORY ABOUT THE FISTFIGHT

WITH SHELLEY WINTERS?

NOT LITTLE SHELLEY WINTERS. BIG SHELLEY WINTERS.

FISTS LIKE HAMS.

(laughter)

FRIGHTENING. LOOKS LIKE A CRACK HOUSE.

MAX, WE'VE LOOKED AT LIKE A BAJILLION PLAYHOUSES ALREADY,

AND YOU'VE HATED ALL OF THEM.

ONE YOU EVEN CALLED "A BLIGHT ON SOCIETY."

THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH. OR NOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT "BLIGHT" MEANS.

JULIAN, A MAN'S HOME REPRESENTS WHO HE IS.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST BUILD IT OURSELVES?

I MEAN, WE COULD DO IT IN THE STYLE OF YOUR HOUSE

SO IT MATCHES.

I CAN'T DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW MUCH IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS,

BUT THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

TO THE LUMBERYARD!

SHALL WE DRIVE TOGETHER?

WE SHAN'T!

(laughter) POLLY, WHAT'S NEW?

OH, YOUR MOM FILLED ME IN ON THE MOVING BACK IN

AND THE CHEESE JOB AND THE RESISTANCE

TO KEEPING YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.

(chuckles) THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE PRETTY UP TO DATE,

ALTHOUGH YOU DID FORGET THE PART WHERE I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO COORDINATE ALL THE MARKETS

IN THE AREA TO DONATE THEIR LEFTOVERS TO THE HOMELESS.

LOOK AT YOU.

JESSOOKA, POLLY'S WORKING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.

THAT'S FANTASTIC!

BECAUSE... (laughs) THEY DON'T HAVE HOMES, AND WE DO?

MINE EVEN HAS AN OLYMPIC SWIMMING POOL.

ITALIAN TILE, HEATED YEAR-ROUND.

YOU SHOULD DROP BY SOMETIME IN A BATHING SUIT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT 4th OF JULY PARTY

WHERE I SANG "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"

IN AN AMERICAN FLAG BIKINI? (laughs)

JESSOOKA, YOU KEPT ASKING ME TO RUN SOMETHING UP THE FLAGPOLE.

(laughter)

I SHOULD PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH MY SON.

HE WORKS AT FOOD CORPS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET INVOLVED WITH HIS ORGANIZATION

OR... HIM.

HIS SKIN IS CLEARED UP NOW.

THANK YOU. I-I WOULD LOVE THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE.

IT'S MY CROSS TO BEAR.

OH, MY GOD. THIS CROSS-- IT'S SO HEAVY.

(laughter)

I HELP PEOPLE, TOO.

WITH MY LIFE COACHING, I HELP PEOPLE.

I JUST HELPED A CLIENT LAST WEEK

FIND HIS INNER LIGHT...

AND HIS LOST CAT.

I BET THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

YOU'RE GONNA DO SO MANY GREAT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

WOW. YOU LADIES SURE KNOW HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FEEL WELCOME.

(laughter)

TO POLLY. YES.

PRETTY, PRETTY, PRETTY POLLY. (clinking)

(laughter)

(clatter)

(door opens)

(gasps) SO FUN AND INSPIRING.

I MEAN, THEY WERE JUST ALL SO, SO DELIGHTFUL.

GOOD. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

MUST HAVE BEEN SOME LUNCH, HUH? DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?

SHE STOLE MY LESBIAN. SO MUCH FUN.

I WHAT? I STOLE YOUR LESBIAN?

YES. THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER.

EVERYBODY FAWNED ALL OVER POLLY. NOBODY WAS INTERESTED IN ME.

(scoffs) MOM-- NO, WHY SHOULD THEY BE?

I AM CLEARLY NO LONGER FASCINATING.

I AM YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

I... AM A SACK OF DAY-OLD BAGELS.

OH. (sighs)

YEAH. I AM.

WELL...

(voice breaking) AND IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE BATHTUB.

(sobbing)

HOW WAS THE FOOD?

(sobbing continues)

I NEED TO GIVE MY MOM A BIG EGO BOOST.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WHENEVER I FEEL BLUE, I JUST PAY THE JUNKIES DOWNSTAIRS

TO TELL ME THAT I'M PRETTIER THAN A WEATHER GIRL.

HMM.

HEY, POLLY, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU STARTED THE FOOD PROGRAM,

BUT TWO HOMELESS GUYS OUTSIDE JUST OFFERED TO FEEL ME UP

IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE SHORT RIBS. DOUGIE AND RAY RAY.

(clicks teeth) YOU CAN DO BETTER.

OH, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE ANYWAY.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEBODY YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT

NEEDED AN EGO BOOST?

OH. OKAY. SO NOT EVEN THE PRETENSE OF WORKING.

(chuckles) WELL...

I GUESS I'D TALK TO A FRIEND OF THEIRS,

FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.

YES, YES. THANK YOU. (snaps fingers)

THAT GIVES ME A GREAT IDEA.

I WILL MAKE UP ALL THE HOURS THIS WEEKEND!

(door opens)

I AM AN IMPOSING AUTHORITY FIGURE.

(door closes)

OKAY, SO I'M THINKING,

ON THE OUTSIDE, MODERN LIKE THE HOUSE,

BUT ON THE INSIDE, WE GO COZY, PRINCESS-Y, AND PINK,

LIKE AN EXPLOSION OF GIRLINESS.

NO. ALL WRONG.

PINK AND PRINCESSES IS SO TWO MONTHS AGO.

NATALIE'S INTO RAINBOW GLIMMER PONIES NOW.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

MAYBE SHE FORGOT TO MENTION IT.

I SAY WE DO OPEN, CLEAN LINES

WITH HIDDEN CABINETS HERE AND THERE.

YEAH. THOSE DON'T REALLY SCREAM "FUN" TO ME.

IF ANYTHING, IT WHISPERS... (whispers) NOT FUN AT ALL.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. LET'S DO THIS IN A FAIR WAY.

OKAY? WHOEVER HAS ACHIEVED GREAT SUCCESS

DEVOTING THEIR LIFE TO ART AND CREATIVITY

WILL HAVE THE PROJECT.

THANKS.

HMM.

OH, YOU MEAN YOU.

OH. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK NATALIE SHOULD CHOOSE.

I MEAN, IT IS HER PLAYHOUSE.

FINE. AND I'M QUITE CERTAIN SHE WILL CHOOSE THE PERSON

WHO KNOWS HER INNERMOST WANTS AND NEEDS.

YOU MEAN YOU AGAIN.

OKAY. (exhales) STARTING TO GET THE HANG OF THIS.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN HE'S OUT OF REHAB. (door closes)

(gasps) POLLY!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME STOP BY.

WELL, I TALKED TO MY SON ABOUT YOUR WORK

WITH THE HOMELESS. HE LOVES YOUR IDEAS

AND WANTS TO SET UP A MEETING, BUT, YOU KNOW,

HE'S LEAVING TOWN TOMORROW, SO CAN YOU MEET HIM LATER TODAY?

YES. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I, UM, I'M ACTUALLY HERE ABOUT MY MOTHER, THOUGH.

HER FACE JUST LIT UP THE OTHER DAY

WHEN SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ACTING,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD FIND A ROLE FOR HER.

OH, SURE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M HER BIGGEST FAN.

WELL, BESIDES HER. AND, ODDLY, BOB BALABAN.

HUH. WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND CAN WE JUST KEEP THIS BETWEEN US?

MY MOTHER'S A VERY DELICATE FLOWER

WHO BLOOMS PRIDEFULLY IN HER OWN GLORIOUS WAY.

I'D BE SUCH A BETTER ACTRESS WITH ALL MY EXPERIENCE NOW. THAT'S TRUE.

UM... YOU ARE SMILING AND SPEAKING

AND NOT TOTALLY COVERED IN BUBBLES.

(chuckles) MMM. (New Age music playing)

I GOT AN AUDITION FOR AN INDIE.

(gasps) THAT'S "INDEPENDENT FILM" FOR YOU CIVILIAN TYPES.

PRETTY COMMON TERM, BUT WHAT?

THAT IS THE MOST... UNEXPECTED... MOST NEWS

YOU COULD TELL ME RIGHT NOW.

CAROLINE CALLED. SHE SAID,

"WELL, I KNOW YOU'VE QUIT ACTING,

BUT THIS GREAT PART CAME UP,"

AND I'M THE ONLY ACTRESS WHO COULD PLAY IT.

WELL, SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT IT WAS IMPLIED.

I AM JUST SO HAPPY TO BE HERE

TO SWIM IN THE WAKE OF YOUR HAPPINESS.

(chuckles) I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE.

SHE'S E-MAILING ME THE PAGES.

GOOD FOR YOU, DARLING.

(refrigerator opens)

CRAZY, RIGHT?

CRAZY SMART.

I DID IT. I MADE IT HAPPEN.

(singsongy) HELPING MY MOM. I'M HELPING THE HOMELESS.

YOU DIDN'T HELP WITH ANYTHING, 'CAUSE POLLY'S A-HELPIN'. (can tab pops)

UH-HUH. SO YOU'LL BE RESPONSIBLE IF SHE DOESN'T GET THE PART.

REMEMBER HOW FUN OUR LIVES WERE WHEN SHE DIDN'T GET A PART?

I DON'T WANNA LIVE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE.

I DON'T WANNA LIVE.

HONEY, IT WAS TWO LINES IN A CORPORATE VIDEO.

LIFE IS A CRUEL, SADISTIC OVERLORD.

SO I GUESS THE ROLLER RINK'S OUT.

OH, (bleep).

YEAH, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.

YOU HAVE REOPENED A SEALED PORTAL.

THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW. I MEAN, SHE IS OLDER AND WISER,

AND WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

(Polly) SPEAKING OF IMPENDING DISASTERS...

IN CONCLUSION, I FEEL MY VERSION OF THE PLAYHOUSE OFFERS

NOT ONLY BEAUTY AND COMFORT BUT A SANCTUARY,

A RESPITE FOR YOU FROM THE DAILY RIGORS

OF MODERN-DAY CHILDHOOD...

AND A BUILT-IN JUICE BOX RACK.

HUH?

THANK YOU. I LIKE IT.

LOTS OF PURPLE. PURPLE IS GOOD.

GRANDPA, YOU'RE UP.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A SANCTUARY,

YOU KNOW, IF YOU GOT A HUMP. YEAH.

(imitates Quasimodo) SANCTUARY!

BUT WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I SEE A GIRL ON THE GO.

I SEE SOMEONE WHO'S GONNA BE ENTERTAINING A LOT.

I SEE A GIRL WHO'S GONNA WANT A SHOWPLACE

FOR HER IMPORTANT PIECES LIKE HANG TEN BARBIE

AND MR. FOOFOO BEAR.

TO THAT END, I PROPOSE A CLEAN, OPEN SPACE

WITH DISPLAY SHELVES,

MAYBE A DRESS-UP CLOSET, AND A BUILT-IN TABLE

FOR IMPORTANT PROJECTS, MEETINGS, OR A LIGHT NOSH.

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.

(clears throat)

YOU'VE BOTH DONE GREAT WORK.

BUT GRANDPA KNOWS WHAT I LIKE THIS WEEK.

THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT, DADDY?

SURE.

WE'LL GET RIGHT ON IT, SCOOTER PIE.

DON'T DISAPPOINT ME, BOYS.

(Elaine) ANYWAY, I WAS JUST WAY TOO NERVOUS TO DRIVE.

I HOPE I'M NOT PULLING YOU AWAY FROM ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

OH. NO, NO. JUST A MEETING ABOUT WORLD HUNGER...

(gasps) THAT CANNOT BE RESCHEDULED. IT MAY HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE

AND THE LIVES OF STARVING PEOPLE THE WORLD OVER.

IT'S NO BIGGIE. (telephone ringing, women speaking indistinctly)

I'M SURE THE FOOD CORPS I BLEW OFF

WILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT DRIVING YOU TO AN AUDITION

FOR A MOVIE CALLED "TRACY'S PROMISE"

IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT.

OH, I'M SURE HE WILL.

OKAY, LET ME SEE WHAT I'M UP AGAINST HERE.

(under breath) HACK.

"IT'S NOT. I'M..."

TOTAL NUTCASE.

SHE'S JUST A JERK.

(gasps) OH.

ALL RIGHT.

(snorting) I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE SO GREAT, OKAY?

OKAY. BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THERE,

THIS IS ALL ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.

NO. SHH. JUST FIND MY CENTER.

GO INTO A FUGUE STATE.

APPLY LIP GLOSS.

ADJUST MY BOOBS.

THEY LOOK GREAT. THANK YOU.

(whirs)

HER NICKNAME IS "PEANUT BRITTLE."

(whirs) "SCOOTER PIE"? STUPID.

HEY, JULIAN.

LISTEN, NATALIE'S STARTING TO GROW UP,

AND I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT THE PLAYHOUSE

GROWS WITH HER, YOU KNOW?

IF WE DO IT YOUR WAY, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT

SHE MAY NOT USE IT DOWN THE ROAD.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE THAT-- (whirring)

OHH! OHH! AAH!

YOU CUT OFF THE TIP OF MY FINGER! YOU CUT IT OFF!

OKAY! I GOT BLOOD ON MY NEW POLO! BLOOD ON MY NEW POLO!

CALM DOWN. OKAY, CALM DOWN.

I'M GONNA TAKE NATALIE-- CALMING!

I'M GONNA TAKE NATALIE TO THE NEIGHBORS,

THEN I'M GONNA BRING YOU HOME.

THEN I'M--THEN I'M GONNA BRING YOU TO THE HOSPITAL. (grunting)

AAH! WHERE IS IT?

OH! (gagging) THE FINGER. YOU DROPPED MY FINGER.

HELP ME FIND IT! AAH! OKAY! DO YOU SEE IT?

TELL ME. IT WAS ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE. I GOT IT!

BRING IT UP. WE GOT ABOUT 30 MINUTES. AAH!

I GOT IT. YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT ON ICE! YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT ON ICE!

I'M GONNA THROW UP! ON ICE!

I'M GONNA THROW UP! PUT IT ON ICE!

NOT TO WORRY. I HAVE THE REST OF THE FINGER RIGHT HERE.

I AM GONNA TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE WE SHOULD GO?!

IS THERE A FINGER DEPARTMENT?!

HERE, SIR.

YOU CAN HELP?! (panting) OKAY. THANK YOU.

HERE. FILL THAT OUT. HE WAS-- I'M A LEFTIE.

SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW AT WHAT POINT THE TISSUE OF THE FINGER... (barks)

THE DOG HAS MY FINGER! HEY!

THE DOG HAS MY--

GET IT!

GET HIM!

OH. OH. OH. (barking)

I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. (panting)

THE ONLY FINGER OF MINE THAT I'LL BE GIVING YOU

FROM HERE ON OUT IS THE ONE I GAVE YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

THE REAL QUESTION IS,

DO I HAVE TIME TO DEVOTE TO ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL CAREER?

I MEAN, THIS ROLE IS GOING TO LEAD TO OTHERS.

THERE'LL BE PRESS TOURS, TRAVEL,

A HOSPITAL STAY DUE TO EXHAUSTION.

MOM, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF...

(refrigerator opens) BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE SO FAR AHEAD OF YOURSELF

THAT YOU ARE NOT ON THE PLANET EARTH ANYMORE. (refrigerator closes)

OH, THE REAL DILEMMA'S GONNA BE

MY LIFE COACHING CLIENTS WORSHIP ME.

(gasps)

DO I JUST ABANDON THEM?

YEAH, SURE. (bleep) 'EM.

LISTEN, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GONNA

TAKE THIS LIKE A CHAMP.

IN AN UNRELATED QUESTION,

HOW ARE YOU FIXED FOR ANTI-ANXIETY MEDS?

(cell phone rings) OH! OH! AAH!

THIS COULD BE IT. (ring)

OH, NO, YOU TAKE IT.

YOU TAKE IT. MMM. MMM.

(beep) HELLO?

UH, YOU KNOW, THIS IS HER DAUGHTER.

SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE IT.

OH. OKAY.

NOPE. SHE'S NOT-- UM... MM-HMM.

(laughs) OH, THAT IS--

OH, THAT IS--WELL, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WILL TELL HER.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

(beep)

SO, UM... (gulps) YOU DID NOT GET IT.

BUT THEY SAID THAT YOU DID A GREAT JOB,

AND YOU HAD A VERY... INTERESTING TAKE ON THE ROLE.

SO THAT'S... GOOD, RIGHT?

PACK A BAG. YOU'RE DRIVING ME TO SEDONA.

(laughs) I AM NOT DRIVING YOU TO SEDONA.

(clenches teeth) I NEED TO DEAL WITH THE HEALING POWER

OF THE RED ROCKS.

MOM, IT WAS A TINY PART IN A LITTLE INDIE FILM

THAT NO ONE WILL SEE UNLESS THE MOVIE THEY WENT TO SEE

WAS SOLD OUT AND THEY'D ALREADY PAID FOR PARKING. (glass clatters)

OH, MY GOD. YOU ARE BEING SO UNSUPPORTIVE.

(scoffs) ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? NO.

ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO IS HELP YOU.

I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO ASKED CAROLINE

TO GET YOU THE AUDITION. (gasps)

OH, MY GOD. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU'RE MISERABLE,

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO... (groans)

SPRING INTO ACTION LIKE SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL SUPERHERO.

STEP ASIDE, CITIZENS. I MUST RESTORE MY MOTHER'S EGO

AND STEM THE TIDE OF UNNECESSARY BATHING.

YES, AND UNFORTUNATELY YOU HAVE MADE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE.

WELL, YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE FOR ME.

OH, YEAH. I TURNED MY BACK ON THE ACTUAL NEEDY FOR YOU.

UH-HUH. AND WHO'S MORE NEEDY THAN ACTORS?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. THE HOMELESS?

MOST OF THEM--EX-ACTORS.

I AM SO SICK OF ALWAYS PUTTING YOUR NEEDS AHEAD OF MINE.

I AM FINALLY DOING SOMETHING THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME,

AND ALL YOU CAN SEE IS YOUR OWN STAR RISING AND FALLING.

THAT'S BECAUSE MY MOTHER DRILLED INTO MY HEAD... (taps table)

THAT LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER ONE SPELLS SUCCESS.

WELL, I GUESS I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT SPELLS SUCCESS,

BECAUSE MY MOTHER MADE ME MISS TOO MANY SPELLING TESTS.

OKAY, YOU'RE ALL GOOD.

REMEMBER TO CHANGE THE BANDAGES,

AND YOU SHOULD BE COMPLETELY HEALED IN ABOUT FOUR WEEKS.

HE MIGHT TAKE MUCH LONGER.

THANK YOU.

(monitor beeping steadily)

WILL YOU STOP CRYING?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, A RIDICULOUS ACCIDENT--

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

I MEAN, WHAT IF I... MAIMED YOU ON PURPOSE

AFTER THE DARKNESS TOOK HOLD,

SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE SO PERFECT,

AND NATALIE WOULDN'T DOTE ON YOU SO MUCH?

I'M NOT PERFECT, JULIAN.

I'M VERY, VERY CLOSE, BUT SO WHAT?

SO I GUESS I DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE

MISSING THE DAY-TO-DAY OF MY KID'S LIFE.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THERE ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE THERE WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING.

GUESS I'M AFRAID THAT YOU'LL BE HER ROLE MODEL,

AND I'LL BE SOME PUTZ WHO HANGS AROUND SOMETIMES.

YOU'RE NOT THE PUTZ WHO HANGS AROUND.

COME ON. THEY NEED THE BED. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER.

YOU WON'T.

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I GOT BETWEEN YOU.

I'LL TRY TO BE MORE CONSCIOUS OF IT, OKAY?

OKAY. (scoffs)

THANKS, MAX. EASY.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR FINGER. GOD.

SILVER LINING--

I FEEL REALLY CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

OKAY. ME, TOO.

BUT IT'S PROBABLY THE PRESCRIPTION PAIN KILLERS. (chuckles)

I FEEL CLOSE TO THAT JAR OF COTTON BALLS OVER THERE.

THERE'S NO JAR OF COTTON BALLS THERE.

MOM, IT'S LATE. I AM SO TIRED.

I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

WHY DO I HAVE CHEESE IN MY LAP?

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT, SO I AM TAKING YOU TO SKID ROW.

AND LEAVING ME THERE?

WE'RE GOING TO FEED THE HOMELESS.

WE ARE? MM-HMM. I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOUR DREAMS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, POLLY.

I AM SO PROUD OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING. (siren wailing in distance)

YOU'RE JUST SPECTACULAR.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS I FEEL...

COMPETITIVE.

WELL, DON'T. YOU'RE A FORCE OF NATURE.

AND THE DIRECTOR OF THE MOVIE

EVEN ASKED ME IF YOU WERE SINGLE.

WHAT? (brakes screech)

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING SOONER?

(gasps) HE'S, LIKE, HALF MY AGE.

(men speaking indistinctly) OH, MY GOD. I'M ATTRACTIVE TO A WHOLE NEW GENERATION.

MOM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD KEEP MOVING. (laughs)

KEEP MOVING. OH, LOOK, HE'S ALREADY GOT A CHEESE KNIFE.

LET'S JUST DROP--LET'S DROP IT OFF AT THE FOOD BANK. OKAY.

MOM, THIS IS NOT REALLY-- COMING THROUGH. FOLLOW US! WE HAVE CHEESE!

(Polly) MIDNIGHT... (horn honks)

(laughter) AND THE WHOLE AUDITION

THIS GUY WAS JUST UNDRESSING ME WITH HIS EYES. NO.

SOME PEOPLE LIVE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

(women speaking indistinctly and laughing)

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO HANG BACK

AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE THE SPOTLIGHT.

(squeals)

THANK YOU! YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I LOVE IT.

**

ME--I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE WHEREVER I'M NEEDED.

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO INCLUDE A NAPKIN?

WHAT ARE YOU, HOARDING NAPKINS NOW?

YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE TIME.

(woman) * GONNA MAKE A CHANGE TODAY

I'M ELAINE GREEN,

AND I WILL BE READING THE ROLE OF JIMMY'S MOTHER.

(man) OKAY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

JIMMY, MOMMY IS HERE.

I KNOW THAT THE TUMOR IS GROWING AND THAT YOU'RE SCARED,

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

OKAY. UH, WE'LL-- WE'LL TRY IT AGAIN.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SEDUCE--

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A KID WITH CANCER.

OKAY.

SO IT'S NOT SEXUAL AT ALL.

(whispers) NOT SEXUAL... (normal voice) OKAY.

JIMMY, BABY, MOMMY IS HERE.

I KNOW THAT YOUR TUMOR IS GROWING

AND THAT YOU ARE SCARED,

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

BETTER?

I'M SORRY. I WAS DISTRACTED.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE DONE. RIGHT?

UM, LET'S CUT.