All language subtitles for How.To.Live.With.Your.Parents.S01E10_English

NOW, HEALTH IS IMPORTANT,
AND DESPITE ALL MY EFFORTS,

MY CHOLESTEROL IS UP.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHO'S
RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT?

THE CORPORATIONS.

NO. MY FATHER.

HE GAVE ME BAD GENES
AS A HOSTILE GESTURE.

(Polly) OH.
(clattering)

SANDWICH--CHECK.
JUICE BOX--CHECK.

UNDERWEAR... MOM?

(laughs)
THAT'S WHERE THOSE ARE.
(laughs)

WE WENT TO THE KESSLERS'
FOR A WINE TASTING.
YEAH.

AND I USED NATALIE'S
LUNCHBOX AS A PURSE.

FOR A POP OF COLOR.

IT WAS A CONVERSATION STARTER,
TELL YOU THAT.

OOH, I GOT OVERHEATED.

MM. LOVELY.

OKAY, NEW RULE--
HOW ABOUT WE DON'T PUT UNDERWEAR

IN THE SAME CONTAINER
THAT MY DAUGHTER EATS OUT OF?
(whimpers)

JUST FOR FUN.
FINE, BUT THAT DOES NOT
SOUND FUN.

FINE. "NO PANTIES
IN THE LUNCHBOX."

HAPPY?
(door opens and closes)

HELLO? HEY.

I HAVE TWO IMPORTANT
PIECES OF INFORMATION.

NUMBER ONE--YES,
NATALIE'S DOLL

WAS IN THE BACK
OF MY TRUCK,

AND ALL OF OUR LIVES
ARE IN DANGER.

HERE WE GO.
(Polly) JULIAN IS COMPELLED

BY FORCES UNKNOWN TO PREPARE
FOR UNLIKELY EMERGENCIES.

OH, HEY. I'M PRACTICING

MY HYPOTHERMIA
PREVENTION TECHNIQUES

IN CASE MY PLANE GOES DOWN
OVER MOUNT EVEREST.

(chuckles)
HMM.

I ATE THE SHEPHERD'S PIE,
BUT IF YOU CAN FI--

HE ALSO HAS A MAN-CRUSH
ON MY STEPFATHER MAX,

WHICH KIND OF EXPLAINS
HIS CONSTANT PRESENCE

IN OUR HOUSE.

SO, I SPOKE
TO YOUR NEIGHBOR SEAN,

AND IT SEEMS THAT A LARGE
FELINE RIPPED HIS FENCE TO HELL

BY CRAWLING THROUGH METAL MESH.

NOW, THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE
THAT IT IS A MOUNTAIN LION,

WHICH NOT ONLY THREATENS PETS,
BUT HUMANS, TOO.

HOW EXCITING!

SO, I THINK THAT IT IS
VERY UNWISE

FOR THE GIRLS TO ENTER OR EXIT

WITHOUT BEING ACCOMPANIED
BY A LARGE MALE.

WHAT ABOUT THREE LITTLE ONES?

(chuckles)
SORRY. GO ON.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
LIONS ARE SOLITARY ANIMALS.

IT'S NOT IN THEIR NATURE
TO ATTACK POPULATED HABITATS.

IT IS NOT A LION'S
MODUS OPERANDI.

WELL, SO FAR.
(sips, mouth full)
MM. NO. NOT "SO FAR."

THESE ARE THE FACTS
ABOUT LIONS.

WELL, UNLESS THEY'RE EVOLVING.

(normal voice) INTO WHAT?

SUPER LIONS.

***

AND, IN THE INTEREST
OF NATALIE LEARNING

ACTUAL SCIENCE...
(zips bag)

OKAY.
WE'RE OFF TO SCHOOL.

NATALIE.
OOP. I THINK
I'LL GO ALONG.

(laughs)
IT'LL BE FUN.

THREE GIRLS GOING...
WHERE ARE WE GOING?

SCHOOL.
I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

TAKE THIS GIRL WITH YOU.
TAKE--TAKE--TAKE HIM.

-- Captions by VITA --

ANOTHER BENEFIT
OF LIVING WITH MY FOLKS

IS THEIR HOUSE IS
IN A KILLER SCHOOL DISTRICT.

I LOVE YOU.
HAVE THE BEST DAY.

MWAH! OHH!

(children shouting playfully)

MM.

DO YOU SEE THAT?

NATALIE'S SITTING
WITH THE CROSSING GUARD.

SHE JUST NEVER HANGS OUT
WITH ALL THE KIDS.

WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HER?

I MEAN, HOW CAN ANY OF THESE
KIDS HELP HER WITH HER CAREER?

JUST WORRIED THAT SHE'S HAVING
TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS.

MM.
I DID.

OH, YOU HAD... FRIENDS.

FOR OUR NEXT IMPROV,

WE WILL NEED AN OCCUPATION
AND A LOCATION

FROM OUR AUDIENCE.

TWO ACROBATS
AND A DENTIST'S OFFICE.

AND A THEATER STYLE.

KABUKI!

IT'S JUST THAT HANGING OUT
WITH YOU GUYS...

ALL THE TIME MADE IT
A LITTLE DIFFICULT

FOR ME TO RELATE TO KIDS
MY OWN AGE.

FOR MY NEXT IMPROV,
I NEED AN OCCUPATION

AND A LOCATION
FROM THE AUDIENCE.

GET HER!
(gasps)

AND A THEATER STYLE!
(girls shouting)

YOU WERE AN AMAZING
IMPROVISER.

THOSE KIDS DIDN'T GET YOU
BECAUSE THEY WERE ITALIAN.

I JUST WANT NATALIE
TO HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE

THAT INVOLVES LESS
SUDDEN FLEEING.

THOUGH SUDDEN FLEEING
IS GREAT CARDIO.
UH-HUH.

SEE, NOW, THOSE MOMS' KIDS
ALL PLAY TOGETHER.

IF I COULD GET TIGHT
WITH THEM,

NATALIE COULD HANG
WITH THEIR KIDS.
OH...

AND THEN NATALIE WOULD HAVE
AWESOME BONDING ADVENTURES

LIKE ALL THE CHILDREN
IN THE CEREAL COMMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY'RE, LIKE,
SLIDING DOWN RAINBOWS

AND TRICKING THE LEPRECHAUN.

IS "TRICKING THE LEPRECHAUN"
A COLLOQUIALISM,

OR ARE WE TALKING ABOUT
TRICKING A REAL LEPRECHAUN?

HOW COULD I BE TALKING
ABOUT THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M BEING SUPPORTIVE.

I JUST NEED TO FIND, LIKE,
A NATURAL-SEEMING WAY

TO BREAK THE ICE.

OW!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRICKING THE LEPRECHAUN.

HOW HAVE I BECOME
THE LEPRECHAUN?

FLY, LEPRECHAUN, FLY!

FAIL FLAG. OKAY?
LEPRECHAUNS DON'T FLY.

(chuckles) MM.

THERE THOSE ARE.

I AM NATALIE'S MOM.

SHE'S THAT LITTLE GIRL
SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.

GOD, I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

I COULD JUST SQUEEZE
THAT LITTLE HEAD UNTIL IT POPS.

(laughs) BUT I DON'T.
I DON'T POP HER HEAD.

SO... NO NEED TO CALL
THE AUTHORITIES.

I'M POLLY.
HI. I'M MORGAN.

MORGAN WAS MY FAVORITE
PRETEND NAME WHEN I WAS A KID.

SECOND FAVORITE--
DESIREE McCARTHY.

(laughs)

HEY, WHO WAS THE LADY
WHO THREW YOUR GLASSES?

OH, JUST SOME RANDOM
CRAZY LADY

THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

MY DAUGHTER IS TERRIFIC!

(scoffs)

SHE THINKS SHE'S MY MOTHER.
I BLAME THE SYSTEM.

***

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

WHATEVER IT IS,
I BET I WILL.

TOTALLY MOM'D OUT SO HARD
THAT MORGAN HAD US OVER

FOR HER LITTLE AFTER-SCHOOL
PLAYDATE THINGY.

I TOTALLY GATHERED
SOME VALUABLE INTEL

ON THIS WHOLE NORMAL MOM CRAZE
THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.

AND THIS IS THE PLAYROOM.

(children shouting playfully)
(shutter clicking)

IN MY DAY, A PLAYROOM
WAS A WASHABLE SPACE

WITH AN ADULT-SIZED SWING.

MM.

HANG ON. I JUST NEED A MOMENT
TO DELETE THAT IMAGE.

NO. IT IS BURNED
RIGHT IN THERE.

(breathes deeply) MORGAN
EVEN CUTS HER SANDWICHES

INTO THESE, LIKE,
PLAYFUL SHAPES.

OH, AND GUESS WHAT
THE KIDS MADE.

SHOW HER, NAT.
IT'S A SHIP IN A BOTTLE.

ALSO KNOWN AS A CRAFT.
HMM.

YOU DID CRAFTS.

YOU DID WITCHCRAFT
WITH MY FRIEND GRETCHEN.

YEAH. I LEARNED A LOT
FROM HER.

MOSTLY THAT WITCHCRAFT
DOES NOT CURE CANCER.

WELL...

(growling loudly)
AAH! STOP!

(shouts indistinctly)
STUPID INBRED TRAILER TRASH!

(cell phone rings)

(whimpers)

MORGAN IS CALLING ME...
(beeps)

AT HOME.

WHAT'S UP, MAMA?

NO, I-I SAID "MORGAN,"
NOT "MAMA."

GRANDMA CAN DRAIN A BOTTLE
IN FIVE MINUTES

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

(playing violin)
SO I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
COULD HOST THE NEXT PLAYDATE.

HOST THE NEXT PLAYDATE?

ARE YOU USING, UM...
(Max and Julian shouting
indistinctly)

"HOST" AS IN THE, UH,
STANDARD DEFINITION,

AS IN IN ONE'S HOME?

POLLY, HERE'S YOUR WACKO
EX-HUSBAND AGAIN.
(Julian speaks indistinctly)

KNOW WHAT HE D--
HONEY, HONEY...
(Julian) OH...

HE JUMPS ON ME
RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE...
UNBELIEVABLE.

LIKE HE--LIKE HE'S
A MOUNTAIN LION,

AND HE--AND HE BROKE SKIN.

(groans)
LOOK AT THE BACK OF MY--
WHERE YOU GOING?

I WAS TRYING TO PROVE TO YOU

THAT IF I WAS AN ACTUAL
MOUNTAIN LION,

THEN YOU WOULD BE DEAD
RIGHT NOW!

(indistinct arguing)
SO DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO IT?

(Elaine) It's bad.
I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE
A GREAT OPPORTUNITY

FOR NATALIE TO BOND
WITH THE OTHER GIRLS

before Lacey's trip
to Disneyland.
(Max speaking indistinctly)

(Max) OKAY, JUST TRY THAT.
YEAH.
YEAH. TOTALLY.

CAN TOTALLY DO IT.
(Julian) YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

(Max) HMM?
WE HAVE BUILT HOUSES
IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

THEIR NATURAL HABIT--
I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE 20 YEARS.

IT'S MY NATURAL HABITAT!
WILL YOU TELL HIM?
MM-HMM.

(Elaine)
It's his natural habitat.
WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

(Julian) WHATEVER.
OH, IT'S JUST THE TV.

I'M JUST WATCHING
A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IDIOTS!

WHY ARE YOU CALLING US
IDIOTS?

(whirring)

YOU KNOW WHAT'S OFF-PUTTING?

I ASKED YOU TO RESTOCK
THE CRACKERS,

BUT INSTEAD YOU'RE
EATING CRACKERS

WHILE WRITING ON THE BOX.

I'M MAKING A LIST
OF FOOD I NEED

FOR MY GUARANTEED-TO-BE-FLAWLESS
PLAYDATE.

IT IS ALL PART OF
MY MASTER PLAN TO MAKE SURE

THAT NATALIE IS A NORMAL KID
WITH NORMAL FRIENDS.

OKAY, YOU'RE MAKING
EVIL GENIUS HANDS.

MM.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST EMBRACE
YOUR FAMILY'S WEIRDNESS?

TAKE IT INTO YOUR ARMS

AND STICK YOUR TONGUE
DOWN ITS THROAT,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

NO. I REFUSE.

I WILL PULL THIS OFF
LIKE A NORMAL-ASS MOTHER.

MY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS--
SANDWICHES.

IN PLAYFUL SHAPES.
MM.

OOH. MAYBE JENN CAN HELP.

OOH. WHY DON'T YOU
ASK HER NOW,

WHILE I'M PAYING YOU BOTH
TO DO OTHER THINGS?

OH. THANK YOU.

JENN IS MY HIP YOUNG FRIEND
WHO PRIDES HERSELF

ON NEVER HAVING USED HER PHONE
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

WHAT UP, J-MONEY?

STRUGS, POLLY.

MAJOR STRUGS. (sobbing)

STRUGS?

(chuckles) YOU'RE 25.

IF YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY,

JUST TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF
AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

MY BOYFRIEND INDIO
ISN'T TEXTING ME BACK

BECAUSE I'M NOT AS "EXCITING"
AS MARGO.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE
THAT YOU'LL HELP ME

WITH MY PLAYDATE TOMORROW?

SURE, WHY NOT?
(exhales)

MY LIFE IS OVER.

I MIGHT AS WELL
JUST THROW IN THE TOWEL

AND... MAKE SANDWICHES
FOR TINY DOUCHE BAGS.

SUPER ATTITUDE.

(crying)

***

HOLD ON, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT
THE PUTZ CHECK THE FENCE,

AS IF I DON'T CHECK THE FENCE.
I CHECK MY FENCE, ELAINE.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM
WITH HIM?

MY PR--

YEAH.
FROM THE MOMENT WE MET,

HE SET THE TONE
WITH A HOSTILE GESTURE.

THIS IS MY STEPFATHER MAX.

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE.

YEAH. (exhales)

SO, WHAT--

(moans)

THAT WAS DELIBERATE.

HE WAS PUTTING ME ON NOTICE
OEDIPALLY.

HE WAS NOT PUTTING YOU
ON NOTICE.
HE WAS.

HE CAN'T EVEN PUT HIS SHIRT ON
RIGHT SIDE OUT.

LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM
STEPPING ON THE BOUGAINVILLEA.
POLLY AND NATALIE

ARE LIVING HERE NOW.
(stammers)

JULIAN IS NATALIE'S FATHER.
HE'S HERE TOO MUCH.
THEY'RE DIVORCED.

HE'S GONNA BE AROUND A LOT.
HE'S--HE'S AROUND TOO MUCH.

NO, I NEED YOU TO MAKE
AN EFFORT WITH HIM.

I CAN'T TAKE THE TENSION!

LOOK!
YEAH, WHAT? I DON'T
HAVE MY GLASS--

WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? WH--

(cell phone rings)
WHAT, IS YOUR HEAD
ON FIRE?

WHAT--OKAY.

(beeps)
MAX GREEN.

Hey, Dad?
Uh, I need help.

(clattering)

I... UH...

WH-WHAT DOES IT SAY?

(beeping)

(exhales) CHECK OUT THE CRAFT

I GOT FOR THE PLAYDATE.

YOU PUT A CATERPILLAR
INTO THIS, UH,

SHRUB-FILLED ENCLOSURE,

THEN, BING-BANG-BOOM,
OUT COMES A BUTTERFLY.
(snaps fingers)

(beeping)
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
TWO WEEKS LATER,

THEY ARE STILL THINKING
ABOUT MY PLAYDATE.

SUCK IT, SHIP IN A BOTTLE.

WHAT THE HELL IS ANYONE
TALKING ABOUT?

OUR DOING THIS FAKAKTA
PLAYDATE HERE AT THE HOUSE

'CAUSE EITHER
NATALIE NEEDS FRIENDS,

OR POLLY NEVER HAD FRIENDS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
POLLY NEVER--

YOU NEVER HAD FRIENDS?

WHY AM I JUST HEARING
ABOUT THIS?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S GONNA BE
FOUR KIDS AND THEIR MOMS.

THERE WILL BE A CRAFT,
THERE WILL BE A SNACK.

ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO
IS BE NORMAL FOR TWO HOURS.

"BE NORMAL."

A PLAYDATE? HERE?

OKAY. IN CASE
YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

THIS BACKYARD
IS A POTENTIAL KILL ZONE.

AND WE'VE STARTED OUR LIST
OF WORDS TO AVOID.

"KILL," "ZONE."

OKAY.
(exhales)

WELL, I WOULD
JUST DOUBLE-CHECK

BECAUSE IF ANY OF THE MOMS
ARE MENSTRUATING,

THAT MOUNTAIN LION WILL
DETECT IT FROM 2 MILES AWAY.

AND "MENSTRUATING"
MAKES THE BOARD.

SO...
(grunts)

(breathing heavily) DON'T WORRY.
WE CAN BE NORMAL.

SEEMS SO SIMPLE, DOESN'T IT?
AND YET YOU'RE

WILDLY PUMPING YOUR LEGS
WHILE WEARING LOOSE UNDERWEAR

IN A RECUMBENT POSITION.

IT'S THE MALE ORGAN.
DO NOT SHAME IT.

THINK OF THIS AS
AN ACTING CHALLENGE.

YOU'RE NORMAL PEOPLE
IN A NORMAL ENVIRONMENT

DOING NORMAL THINGS.

OKAY, RELAX. WE KNOW
HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO YOU.

WE CAN PULL THIS OFF.

(stilted voice) LOOK, HONEY,
I'M MAKING SUPPER!

(stilted voice) AND I'M
DRIVING A MINIVAN.

YES, YES. MORE OF THIS.
MAX, WHERE ARE YOU DRIVING?

UH, I'M DRIVING TO THE MARKET,

WHERE I'M GONNA GET FLOWERS
FOR MY BEAU-TEE-FUL WIFE.

WHILE I MAKE A POT ROAST
FOR MY BLACK LOVER.

(laughs)

(dog barks in distance,
knock on door)

SO I PUT A BUTTERFLY THINGY
TOGETHER TO PRACTICE.

NAILED IT!

OH, AND F.Y.I., MOM,
THERE'S A JAR OF CATERPILLARS

IN THE FRIDGE,
SO IF YOU HAVE

ANY SLEEPING PILL-INDUCED
NIGHT EATING, BE AWARE.

IF THEY'RE IN THE FRIDGE,
THEY'RE FAIR GAME.

(laughs)
(Max laughs)

GOOD NIGHT.
(door closes)

THIS HAS "FLOP"
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

BIG NEON LETTERS.

SHE IS BECOMING
AN OVER-PARENTING...
YES.

PEANUT ALLERGY-OBSESSING...
YES.

GERMAPHOBIC FASCIST.
ABSOLUTELY.

PLAYDATES SHOULD BE
ORGANIC, NOT SCRIPTED.

YEP.

"EAT THE SANDWICH.

DON'T EAT THE CATERPILLARS."

(laughs)
THAT'S CONFUSING.

OF COURSE.
IT'S BORING! I HATE IT.

YEAH. YOU GOTTA DO
SOMETHING, ELAINE.

SOMETHING BIG.

MM-HMM.

***

(clattering)

(mutters)

(clattering)

OKAY, LOOK, WHOEVER'S HERE,
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT I'VE BEEN TRAINED
IN STAGE COMBAT.

(animal yowls loudly)

(panting)

(beeps)

JULIAN, IT'S MAX.
IT WAS HERE.

THE MOUNTAIN LION, YOU IDIOT.
NOW LISTEN TO ME.

WE HAVE A BUNCH OF 6-YEAR-OLDS
COMING HERE TOMORROW,

AND POLLY WILL FROWN ON
ONE OF THEM BEING CARRIED OFF

IN THE JAWS OF A JUNGLE CAT,
YOU UNDERSTAND?

GOOD.

UH, JENN, YOU ARE
THE APPETIZER FAIRY.

OR GODDESS.
OR SOME FORM OF, UH...

HORS D'OEUVRES-RELATED
CELESTIAL FIGURE.

THANK YOU.

(lisping) I GOT
MY TONGUE PIERCED. SEE?

CUT TO ME SCREAMING
INSIDE MY HEAD.

I WANTED INDIO TO KNOW
THAT I'M AS EXCITING AS MARGO.

OH.

OH, IT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE YOUR TONGUE

MORE STIMULATING... SEXUALLY.

HOW MUCH MORE STIMULATING
DOES A TONGUE HAVE TO BE?

PSST!

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP
YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXCITING,

PIERCE HIS TONGUE
NEXT TIME. (laughs)

WITHOUT WARNING.

(children speaking indistinctly)

OKAY, I'M SEEING
A STEPLADDER,

I'M SEEING FABRIC,

I'M SEEING ALL THE WAY
UP YOUR DRESS.

I HAVE A WONDERFUL PLAN.

ON THE OUTSIDE,
OUTSIDE CHANCE

THAT YOUR BUTTERFLY CRAFT,
UM, IS A SNOOZE,

I HAVE A BACKUP.

WE HANG SOME CURTAINS,

PAINT THE KIDS' FACES,

SCARE UP SOME BAMBOO HATS.

TA-DA! WE PERFORM
"MADAME BUTTERFLY."

FEEDS RIGHT INTO
YOUR ORIGINAL THEME.

THAT IS NOT A CRAFT.

WELL, IT IS WHEN I DO IT.

NO. NO, NO, NO.
THERE WILL BE NO BACKUP.

I SPECIFICALLY WANT TO DO WHAT
I SPECIFICALLY WANT TO DO,

WHICH IS A NORMAL CRAFT
IN A BOX.

BOXES ARE BORING.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY
TO THINK OUTSIDE OF THEM.

OH, WELL, MAYBE IF YOU THOUGHT
INSIDE THE BOX

WHILE I WAS GROWING UP,

I WOULDN'T BE STARTING
MY LIFE OVER AT 32.

I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU.

DON'T. I-IF YOU WANT TO HELP,
HELP IN SMALL WAYS.

YOU COULD BE AN ACCENT.

LIKE, UH, OREGANO
IN A MARINARA SAUCE.

THERE'S A REASON THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS OREGANO SAUCE.

BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY.

I AM NOT AN ACCENT.

I AM AN ENTREE.

I'M TIRED OF BEING BLAMED
FOR YOUR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.

YOU LEFT THIS HOUSE
WHEN YOU WERE 18.

YOU'VE HAD PLENTY OF TIME
TO FIX WHATEVER I SCREWED UP.

CLEARLY NOT.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,

I HAD TO SEE YOU
IN "MADAME BUTTERFLY" 19 TIMES.

I GIVE YOU A SOFT 7.

HOW DARE YOU!

THE "PHILADELPHIA GAZETTE"
CALLED ME...

"ENTHRALLING."

THAT'S IT.

I'M DONE.

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL
HANGING THE CURTAINS?

SO I CAN DO THIS.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR NORMAL
(bleep) PLAYDATE.

(mothers gasp)

THIS IS SO FUN!
RIGHT? WHO WANTS GRAPES?

YES, PLEASE.
I WANT SOME.

(rustling, animal chittering)

(sets bottle down)

(whispering) OKAY. OKAY.
(whispering)
WHERE YOU GOING?

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FLANK ME.
(normal voice) OW.

OH...

(breathes deeply)

(whispering)
WHAT? I-I...

SO WE'LL BUILD THE CAGE,
AND THEN, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

YOUR LITTLE CATERPILLAR
WILL BE...

(shuddering) HA-A-AHH...

(children) EW!

EW!
EW!

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW HAIRY
AND SLIMY AND CREE--

OH.

OKAY. YAY, SURPRISES!

UM, ANYWAY, LET'S JUST
GRAB OUR TWO PLATES,

WHICH WE'VE MADE
OUR GORGEOUS DESIGNS ON,

AND STAPLE...
THEM TOGETHER, THUS...

(stapler clicking)
THUS...

OKAY, IT APPEARS SOMEONE
HAS USED UP ALL THE STAPLES.

***

(clicking)

(smoke alarm beeping)

WHAT'S THAT, MOMMY?

IT'S A SNACK ALARM.

(girl speaks indistinctly)
"SNACK, SNACK, SNACK!"

EW!
(screaming)

JENN?

AHH!

(beeping continues)

OH, GREAT! BLOOD!

(lisping) IN RETROSPECT,
I DON'T THINK

THAT I SHOULD HAVE
PIERCED IT MYSELF.

(sighs) SCREW IT.
I'LL JUST ORDER PIZZA.

(screaming continues)

(girl shouts indistinctly)

***

(pops)

(Elaine)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

NOW, ON THE MAIN STAGE...

OH, DEAR GOD.

THE IMPROVISATIONAL
COMEDY STYLINGS OF...

ELAINE GREEN!

(cheering)
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
SETTLE DOWN, PLEASE.

I'M GONNA NEED...

A PLACE AND A JOB.

A BOOGER AT DISNEYLAND!

(giggling)
A BOOGER AT DISNEYLAND.

(girl) YEAH!

POLLY, JOIN US ON THE STAGE!

MMM... NO. MNH-MNH.
(girl) YEAH!

(cheers and applause)

(giggling and murmuring)

BOOGER AT DISNEYLAND.

UM... (clears throat)

WHO SNEEZED ME OUT AND HOW DID
I WIND UP ON SPACE MOUNTAIN?!

(laughter)
YEAH!

A... MOUSE AT A DISCO.

UH...
(dance music playing)

(laughter and applause)

***

(cheering)

I WASN'T RUNNING
BECAUSE I WAS SCARED.

IT-- (gasps)
NO--

IT JUST... WOW.
OH, GOD.

NO, I--LOOK.
WE WERE STARTLED.

THAT'S A NORMAL
HUMAN REACTION.
THAT'S RIGHT.

AND DON'T EVEN WORRY
ABOUT PUSHING ME DOWN.

(whooshes)
IT'S JUST, I MEAN,
THEY HAVE FANGS

AND--AND CLAWS.
I KNOW.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT
A GERBIL HERE.

(chuckles) NO.

HEY, LOOK, I'M JUST GLAD
WE GOT THIS--

(pops)

(woman)
* "L" IS FOR THE WAY...

"WANT A SHOT, POLLY?"
YES, I DO.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

SO HERE'S A TOAST TO ME,
THE PLAYDATE...

AHH!
AND MY MOM AND I COMING
TOGETHER

TO DO SOMETHING FANTASTIC.

UH-OH.

* EXTRAORDINARY

(water splashing)
* "E" IS EVEN MORE...

(door opens, knock on door)

MOM, I SAW YOUR JOURNAL.

WHICH YOU LEFT OPEN
IN THE FRONT HALL

WITH ARROWS POINTING
TO THE QUESTION.

I'M CLEVER, AREN'T I?

I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.

LOOK, I DON'T THINK THAT...

YOU WERE A BAD MOTHER.

I'M JUST WORRIED THAT I'M
GONNA SCREW EVERYTHING UP.

(laughs) OH, YOU ARE.

YOU CAN SCREW EVERYTHING UP,

AND STILL HAVE A DAUGHTER
WHO TURNS OUT AMAZING.

THANK YOU.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT
MY MOTHER AND ME.
(chuckles)

I MEAN,
YOU ARE IN THE MIX.
(laughs)

I THINK THAT WE SHOULD
BOTH FEEL REALLY GOOD

ABOUT OURSELVES RIGHT NOW.
MM.

AND EVEN IF WE SHOULDN'T,
I'M GOING TO.

AND I DIDN'T MEAN THAT
ABOUT "MADAME BUTTERFLY."

YOU WERE PERFECT.

OH, HONEY!

OH. OKAY.
MMM...

MMM. I WAS PERFECT.

(laughs)

SEE? IF YOU LIVED
WITH YOUR PARENTS,

YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
MOMENT WITH YOUR NAKED MOTHER.

UHH.
OH. THAT'S GREAT.

(laughs)
THAT'S GREAT.

UHH. OOH!
(laughing)

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
CAME THROUGH FOR POLLY.

I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.
AW.

AND THANK YOU FOR TRYING
WITH JULIAN.

OH. JULIAN THE PUTZ WITH HIS
MOUNTAIN LION FANTASIES.

I KEPT TELLING HIM THERE ARE
NO MOUNTAIN LIONS IN THIS AREA.
I KNOW.

RIGHT?

YOU'RE MY MOUNTAIN LION.

OOH.
MARK YOUR TERRITORY.

MWAH!
MWAH!

(growling)

MMM.

(continues growling)

(growls)