Original subtitles

(Polly) YOU PROBABLY THINK

THAT WITH ME LIVING WITH MY PARENTS,

THEY'VE PUT THEIR LIVES ON HOLD FOR A WHILE

TO FUSS AND FAWN OVER ME AND MY DAUGHTER.

YOU'D BE WRONG. HYAH!

MY STEPFATHER JUST GOT HIS ORANGE BELT. (shouts indistinctly)

MY WARRIOR. (makes whooshing sound)

MY MOTHER JUST BECAME A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH.

(mouse clicks)

ARE YOU AWARE YOU'RE FANTASTIC?

I KNOW I AM. (ding)

(whoosh sound) BAM! YOU'VE BEEN LIFE COACHED!

(turns off) IF ANYTHING, SINCE WE MOVED IN,

THEY'RE EVEN BUSIER THAN THEY WERE BEFORE.

I LOVED YOU SQUEEZING MY THIGH UNDER THE TABLE. (door creaks)

(laughs)

WELL, WHOEVER THAT WAS HAD VERY STRONG HANDS.

(door creaks and slams loudly)

WH-WHAT-- WHY DOES THAT SLAM LIKE THAT?!

JULIAN WAS CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG GETTING OUT,

SO HE CAME BY TO FIX THE HINGES.

(tightens screw) YOU SEE, HONEY?

NOW THE DOOR... (door creaks)

WILL SHUT BY ITSELF. (spring releases, slams loudly)

PERFECT.

I USED IT TO OPEN A WALNUT.

SO WHY IS MY FORMER SON-IN-LAW STILL COMING OVER

TO OUR HOUSE AND FIXING THINGS?

MM. IT'S ENTRAPMENT, ELAINE. I'M NOT GONNA STAND FOR IT.

POLLY, WHO LEAVES A DOOR LIKE THAT? REALLY?

SEE, I LOVE A DANGEROUS HOUSE.

KEEPS YOU ON YOUR TOES.

WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

AND WHY IS IT TRACKING DIRT ON MY WOOD FLOORS?

(scoffs) I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS

LIKE THREE TIMES ALREADY.

DO YOU JUST TUNE OUT WHENEVER I'M SPEAKING?

NO, OF COURSE NOT. MM, HALF THE TIME.

SHE DOES. NATALIE IS IN THE FIRST GRADE PLAY.

AAH! (laughs) (exhales and laughs)

DID THEY WIN SOMETHING?

NO, SWEETIE. NO.

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA JUST GET OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT THEATER.

OTHER THAN THEMSELVES, IT'S THEIR FAVORITE THING. (gasping excitedly)

TELL ME EVERYTHING.

* EVERYTHING!

THEY'RE DOING SCENES FROM A MUSICAL MOVIE, "MULAN."

OHH! RIGHT. "MULAN." HELLO!

I PLAY A HILLSIDE.

(crickets chirping)

(dog barks in distance)

THAT'S NICE. GOOD FOR YOU, HONEY.

(barks) HILLSIDE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T REMEM--

IS--IS THE HILLSIDE A PIVOTAL ROLE? WHAT, UH...

IS IT THE LEAD? I MEAN, IS THE PLAY

ABOUT A HILLSIDE?

BECAUSE THAT KID IS A STAR. I MEAN, COME ON.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE LEAD, ONLY SHE HAS NO LINES

AND SHE'S MOSTLY THERE JUST TO KIND OF, LIKE,

BLOCK THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

BUT NATALIE IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT, SO WE ARE, TOO.

YEAH, BUT SHOULDN'T SHE BE-- BUP.

I MEAN, I-I THINK-- BUP.

I MEAN, BUT A HILLSIDE-- SHE DESERVES TO--

DOUBLE BUP.

PILATES SHOULDERS. I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.

HOW WAS WORK TODAY, SWEETIE? SUPER WEIRD.

I ALWAYS ASSUMED I'D BE THE FIRST EMPLOYEE

TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

AND YOU WILL BE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

(chuckles) NOT AFTER TODAY.

OH, I'D BE FAIRLY CONFIDENT THAT A GUY TRADING

CAR SEX FOR DRUGS ISN'T STRONG BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. (woman sobbing)

I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIRS WELL WITH PHEASANT.

AND I DON'T CARE!

(bleep) YOUR PHEASANT!

OKAY, SORRY. SORRY ABOUT THAT, FOLKS. (sobbing)

YOU'RE OKAY. NO, I'M NOT!

SO THERE'S A JOB OPENING THEN?

UH... YEAH, I GUESS.

GOD, I HOPE THEY HIRE SOMEONE GOOD,

PREFERABLY A HOT ITALIAN DUDE

WITH A THING FOR LADIES IN APRONS.

WHO, FOR REASONS I HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT YET,

STILL HAS TO WORK AT A GROCERY STORE.

NO. YOU SHOULD BE THE WINE AND CHEESE MANAGER.

THERE YOU GO. YOU HEAR?

(laughs) ME? NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT IS, LIKE, WAY OUT OF MY SKILL SET.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THE ORDERING,

YOU HAVE TO DO THE BUDGETS,

YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE "GRUYERE."

UH, HA HA HA.

YEAH--THAT WAS BEGINNER'S LUCK.

NO, YOU ARE PERFECT. YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO MANAGE ME.

"DON'T DRINK AT LUNCH," "DON'T EAT RAW HAMBURGER,"

"WEAR UNDERPANTS."

I'M JUST A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE

BEING UNDER THE RADAR.

A SUPPORTING PLAYER.

HEY, MAYBE I'LL BE THE NEW CHEESE MANAGER'S BEST FRIEND.

HELP THEM THROUGH STUFF, LIKE A DIVORCE

OR IF THEY LOSE THEIR CELL PHONE. POLLY,

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I SEE A LEADER.

I ALSO SEE MY REFLECTION IN THE VASE BEHIND YOU.

THIS HOUSE HAS GREAT LIGHTING.

YEAH, IT'S THE DIMMERS. HA HA!

I GOT A GOOD THING GOING IN SMOOTHIES, OKAY?

I'VE GOT REGULARS. BERRY BLAST FOR MIKE,

MANGO PEACH FOR KAREN,

AND FIBER AVALANCHE FOR TIM, THE CONSTIPATED CITY COUNCILMAN.

(door opens and slams loudly)

(door creaks) SORRY. SORRY ABOUT THAT. NOT AN ANGRY SLAM.

MERELY EXITING AT THE END OF A SENTENCE. (door slams loudly)

(barks)

I CAN'T SLEEP!

I CAN'T, EITHER. (sighs)

WHY WOULDN'T POLLY EVEN CONSIDER

TAKING THAT OTHER JOB?

WHY DOESN'T SHE HAVE ANY CONFIDENCE?

I DON'T KNOW. WE REEK OF CONFIDENCE.

WE'RE IN LOVE WITH OURSELVES.

WHY ISN'T SHE? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

MOMMY, MAX, I FIGURED OUT WHO I AM.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY. OOH, SELF-INTROSPECTION.

I'M RHODA.

(mouth full) OH, YOU'RE NOT RHODA. YOU ARE MARY. HMM?

('70s-style theme playing) FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER 35 WHO ARE COMPLETELY LOST,

THEY'RE REFERRING TO CHARACTERS FROM THEIR FAVORITE SHOW,

"THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."

MARY WAS THE SEXY, INDEPENDENT GO-GETTER,

AND RHODA WAS HER INSECURE FRIEND

WHO ATE A LOT OF BRISKET.

NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU ARE THE STAR!

NAH, I'M JUST RHODA.

CAN I GET ANOTHER HOT DOG?

RHODA WANTS A THIRD HOT DOG.

OH, MY GOD, WE RAISED A RHODA.

I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. WE ARE FIRST-RATE IN THIS HOUSE.

DO YOU HEAR ME? FIRST-RATE.

AND HER ATTITUDE IS TRICKLING DOWN TO NATALIE.

AND THE CHILD IS HAPPY TO BE A HILLSIDE. MM-HMM.

TO BE EARTH. OHH. (exhales)

DIRT.

SHE'S NOT EVEN A RHODA. SHE'S LIKE, UH...

MURRAY'S CHAIR.

DON'T WORRY. I AM A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH.

THIS IS NOT A CRISIS.

THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY.

WE'RE BEING HANDED A SECOND CHANCE

TO UNLEASH HER INNER MARY. YES.

WHEN? I GOT RACQUETBALL ON WEDNESDAY,

AND I HAVE TO BE WITH THE ATTORNEY ALL DAY ON FRIDAY. (sighs)

WELL, THURSDAY'S NO GOOD. I HAVE CLIENTS ALL DAY... YEAH.

AND THEN IT'S GAME NIGHT AT ULA'S. WE ARE NOT MISSING THAT.

ULA IS A DELIGHT. MAKES A FABULOUS CRUDITES.

CANCEL DIM SUM ON TUESDAY? I DON'T--LISTEN,

WE'VE NEVER CANCELED ANYTHING FOR OUR CHILD. NO. NO.

IS THIS THE PRECEDENT WE WANT TO SET?

YOU KNOW, WHILE WE WERE OUT THERE BEING INCREDIBLE,

WE CREATED A MONSTER OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM... MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

AND UNDERACHIEVEMENT. A MONSTER, ELAINE.

I KNOW. ALL RIGHT, TOMORROW,

YOU GO DOWN TO THE SCHOOL AND TALK TO NATALIE'S DIRECTOR.

I'LL HANDLE POLLY.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE DOING THIS, BABY.

LOOK AT US. YEAH.

WE'RE GETTIN' INVOLVED! YES, WE ARE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WH-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I SHOULD RUN IT BY POLLY JUST TO MAKE SURE IT'S OK-- NO. SHE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING

ABOUT HOW WE'RE NOT INVOLVED ENOUGH. SHE ALWAYS COMPLAINS. YEAH.

AND IT'S SO ANNOYING. SHE DOES.

"YOU GUYS WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME!

WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ME UP FROM CAMP?!"

(sighs)

HOW D SHE GET HOME FROM CAMP?

**

HEY, HONEY. JUST GOT TO THE SCHOOL,

AND I'M READY TO GET INVOLVED.

I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU LUCK WITH POLLY TODAY.

I HOPE IT GOES WELL, AND-- OH, BY THE WAY,

DON'T GET IN THE HOT TUB, BECAUSE THAT THING IS LOOSENED.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET ELECTROCUTED.

(sighs) "MULTI-PURPOSE ROOM."

ALREADY SOUNDS TOTALLY UNPROFESSIONAL.

(children shouting playfully)

(girl) STOP IT! (door slams loudly)

THIS IS CHAOS.

(child) GO ON! (indistinct conversations)

THIS IS NO WAY TO RUN A PRODUCTION.

YOU'RE REALLY TALL.

SO? YOU'RE REALLY SHRIMPY. WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

(balloon deflating)

HEY! (laughs)

OH... HEY, DAD!

HEY. DON'T--DON'T CALL ME THAT, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHERE'S THE DIRECTOR?

I'M THE DIRECTOR.

YOU?! (whooshes and thuds)

YEAH.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU HAD ANY DIRECTING EXPERIENCE.

FOR STRANGER DANGER WEEK,

I WROTE AND DIRECTED A STAGED READING

OF "HERE'S CANDY, GET IN THE VAN."

SO IT WAS YOUR DECISION TO CAST YOUR DAUGHTER

AS A HILLSIDE? YEAH. YEAH. WELL, SHE WANTED THE PART.

AND IF SHE WANTED TO, OH, I DON'T KNOW,

JUMP OFF A CLIFF TO HER DEATH, YOU WOULD LET HER?

(boy) YOU OKAY? ABSOLUTELY.

YEAH, I MEAN, IF SHE WANTED TO GO CLIFF DIVING

WEARING THE CORRECT PROTECTIVE GEAR,

THEN I'D PROBABLY SAY YES. HEY, WE SHOULD ALL GO.

YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN?

MAYBE I COULD, UH, STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT! OKAY.

(gasps) WE COULD HAVE SOME QUALITY

FATHER/FORMER SON-IN-LAW BONDING TIME.

OH! HUH?

THAT WAS COOL, RIGHT? NO.

SO, MOM, I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

THAT WALKING ME TO THE DOOR HAS TURNED INTO

WALKING ME ALL THE WAY TO WORK.

OH-- AND THAT YOU'RE WEARING A NIGHTIE.

YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE HOW THIS FABRIC FEELS

AGAINST MY MOVING LEGS. OH.

SO, HONEY, HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY MORE THOUGHT

TO THAT WINE AND CHEESE POSITION? (sighs)

I'M NOT QUALIFIED.

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT WINE AND CHEESE? OH, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WE'RE A WINE AND CHEESE FAMILY.

IT'S IN YOUR D.N.A.

GOUDA.

(whispers) CAN YOU SAY "GOUDA"?

GOUDA.

I'M APPOINTING MYSELF YOUR LIFE COACH,

AND I AM GONNA HELP YOU GET THAT JOB.

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, I AM THE WIND BENEATH YOUR WIGS.

IT'S WINGS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SONG AT ALL.

COME ON, POLLY... (laughs)

YOU CAN DO THIS. DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.

WELL, IT DOES PAY MORE. YEAH.

I BET I COULD SAVE A LITTLE MONEY AND GET MY OWN PLACE.

AND AS MUCH AS WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU MOVE OUT.

YEAH?

THAT WAS IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO FOR IT. MM-HMM.

WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

WELL, YOU COULD FIND A LUMP.

I MEANT AT WORK.

(growling) THAT'S IT, EDDIE. USE YOUR HANDS AND FACE.

REALLY BE THE DRAGON.

I'M NOT BUYING THIS DRAGON. ARE YOU BUYING THIS DRAGON?

I... WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE EATING YOUR OWN HAIR.

AND, TAMEKA, DON'T WORRY ABOUT BLOCKING NATALIE WHEN YOU ENTER.

SHE'LL MOVE TO THE LEFT.

YEAH, SURE. WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT HER IN THE PARKING LOT?

I MEAN... (laughs and mutters)

(sighs) OKAY, EVERYONE, THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S TAKE A BREAK. (claps hands)

WHOA, WHOA, H-HOLD ON. JULIAN, A BREAK?

YOU OPEN TOMORROW, AND THE HUNS AREN'T EVEN OFF BOOK.

LISTEN, DAD, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU HELPING OUT AND ALL,

BUT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TONE DOWN YOUR SIGHING,

YOUR EYE ROLLING, YOUR "DEAR GOD, THIS IS A DISASTER"-ING?

GOT IT. (sighs) THANKS.

(beeps, phone rings)

HELLO, LOVE! NO, IT'S GOING GREAT HERE.

POLLY'S TALKING TO HER BOSS RIGHT NOW.

(speaking indistinctly) (mouths words)

(bell jingles)

SO, HOW'S IT GOING THERE? JULIAN IS THE DIRECTOR.

HE COULDN'T DIRECT HIMSELF TO A BATHROOM.

I'm telling you, Elaine,

IT'S--IT'S ANARCHY DOWN HERE.

IT'S LIKE THE FALL OF SAIGON, BUT WITH JUICE BOXES.

WELL, THAT IS NOT GOOD.

Our granddaughter cannot

DEBUT IN AN INFERIOR PIECE

of theater. A LITTLE PRIVACY, PLEASE.

(footsteps run away) LISTEN, I NEED TO INCREASE

my involvement.

I HAVE THE TALENT TO FIX THIS PRODUCTION.

WELL, I'M NOT THERE, AND I'M NOT SURE

what you're talking about,

SO I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, BUT I WILL.

YEARS FROM NOW WHEN NATALIE IS ACCEPTING HER OSCAR,

IS ANYONE GONNA REMEMBER THAT YOU STEPPED

on a few toes? NO, NO, BUT, YOU KNOW,

THEY WILL REMEMBER THAT SHE'LL BE THE FIRST OSCAR WINNER

TO SPECIFICALLY THANK HER GRANDPARENTS.

EXACTLY, SO... GET MORE INVOLVED.

NOW IS THE TIME.

BESIDES, NEXT WEEK WE'RE IN PALM SPRINGS

WITH THE BUSFIELDS. LOVE YOU!

(sets bottle down)

IT'S NOT OFFICIALLY SHOPLIFTING UNTIL YOU LEAVE THE STORE.

IT'S OKAY IF YOU FORGET YOUR LINES. (children speaking indistinctly)

I FORGET THINGS ALL THE TIME.

I FORGOT TO PAY MY TAXES FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

OKAY, SORRY. I HAVE TO STEP IN HERE,

BECAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA PAY TO SEE ACTORS FORGET THEIR LINES,

RIGHT? THE SHOW IS FREE. IT'S FOR THE FIRST GRADE PARENTS.

I KNOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT THERE'S A RIGHT WAY

AND A WRONG WAY TO DO THINGS... (yawns loudly)

JUST LIKE THERE'S A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY

TO, I DON'T KNOW, FIX A DOOR.

WELL, I THINK THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT WAYS OF DOING THINGS.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU, SIR, ARE A MORON!

(children gasp)

(whispers) OKAY.

**

HEY, P-GIRL. HOW'S IT HANGIN'?

UH, GREGG SAID I COULD RUN THE CHEESE COUNTER TODAY,

AND THEN WE'LL SEE!

SINCE WE'RE NOT GONNA BE NEXT TO EACH OTHER TODAY,

I THOUGHT OF A COUPLE HAND GESTURES.

THIS MEANS "HI," THIS MEANS "CALL ME,"

AND THIS MEANS "I'M PREGNANT."

(whispers) YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER. OH.

HI.

BOOBS OUT.

WHAT DO THINK THEY PUT THEM IN FRONT FOR?

(scoffs) (bell jingles)

HI.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE GERMAN CAMBOZOLA?

UH, THEY SHOULD BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. (laughs)

KIDDING. I-IT'S A LITTLE CHEESE HUMOR.

UM... (clicks tongue)

(mouth full) IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.

O...KAY.

THANKS.

WELL, THAT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS A LITTLE ON THE STIFF SIDE.

MAYBE LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,

PUT SOME SOUL INTO IT!

LOOSER. SOUL. GOT IT. GOOD NOTE.

I'M LOOKING FOR A TRIPLE CREME. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?

THAT YOU GET ONE.

THAT WAS A JOKE. UM...

THIS ONE RIGHT IS GREAT. IT'S SUPER RICH,

SUPER CREME-Y. YEP.

HEY, THANKS.

WHAT? THAT WAS LOOSE.

**

WHAT WINE PAIRS WELL WITH VEAL,

PINOT NOIR OR CABERNET?

WHEN I SAY "CABER," YOU SAY "NAY." (claps and snaps fingers)

CABER... (clicks tongue) CABER...

OK-- BURGUNDY.

I'M SORRY?

BURGUNDY AND VEAL FORESTIERE.

UHH! WHAT MEMORIES THAT BRINGS BACK.

(romantic music playing) DAYS SPENT LOUNGING NUDE

ON THE FLOOR OF A STUDIO IN NICE,

JUST ME AND ANTOINE... I'M SORRY.

A GIFTED AND TORTURED FRENCH PAINTER,

AND OUR BEAUTIFUL... BURGUNDY.

THAT'S--THAT'S ONE WAY TO GO,

BUT THERE ARE MANY WINES THAT WOULD PAIR--

GRAB ME A BOTTLE OF BURGUNDY.

SOUNDS HEAVENLY. OH, IT WAS.

SO MANY WINES BRING BACK MEMORIES.

DON'T THEY? YES. MM-HMM.

YOU EVER TRY R-- AUTHENTIC RIOJA?

OH, DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT SPANISH WINES.

DON'T. DON'T YOU TALK TO HER. (laughs)

DON'T DO IT. OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM,

LOS VINOS DEL AMOR. AHH! (laughs)

(laughter) TOO LATE. OKAY, UH...

WHO WOULD LIKE TO TRY A FREE SAMPLE... OH.

OF THIS WEIRD ORANGE CHEESE

WITH TINY BITS OF SOMETHING IN IT?

ANYONE? WEIRD CHEESE? (speaks indistinctly)

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME SOME WINE AND CHEESE RECOMMENDATIONS?

I'M HAVING A PARTY. ABSOLUTELY.

AND CAN YOU HELP ME CHOOSE A CHAMPAGNE FOR A WORK EVENT?

I HAVE A GORGEOUS PROSECCO.

PERFECT. PERFECT. AHH...

AH, YES, YES. THANK YOU! OH...

THIS ONE IS CHEAP.

WOW. I KNOW, RIGHT?

YOUR MOM IS A NATURAL.

AND I HEAR SHE HAS SOME SHOW BUSINESS CONNECTIONS.

DO YOU THINK SHE'D BE INTERESTED IN PASSING ALONG A CD

OF MY WEEZER MASH-UPS?

(all laughing)

THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS?

YOU'RE THE GUN THAT KILLS THE BIRD.

I WAS TRYING TO HELP! (scoffs) YEAH. HELP YOURSELF TO THE SPOTLIGHT.

IT FOLLOWS ME.

I WAS DOING FINE. I WAS JUST GETTING WARMED UP.

AND THEN, JUST LIKE ALWAYS, YOU HAD TO BARGE RIGHT IN

WITH YOUR EROTIC CHEESE STORIES.

YOU'RE FIRED AS MY LIFE COACH.

AND YOU'RE ON THIN ICE AS MY MOTHER.

AND YOU...

YOU'VE BEEN A REAL POO-HEAD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

I MEAN, YOUR HEAD IS MADE OUT OF POO.

WHAT SHE IS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT YOU MEDDLED,

AND YOU WERE REALLY CRAPPY TO HER DADDY,

WHO WORKED HARD TO MAKE A GREAT SHOW.

SINCE YOU SHOWED UP, NO ONE'S HAVING FUN.

WELL, NOW, HONEY, WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT--

TO--TO HAVE A QUALITY PRODUCTION,

OR TO HAVE FUN?

GRANDPA, YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK.

WELL, THAT CUT DEEP.

I'M GONNA GO PLAY INTERNET BACKGAMMON.

SO, FOR 32 YEARS, YOU WERE HANDS-OFF,

AND THEN SUDDENLY YOU JUST WANT TO... GET INVOLVED?

IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.

YOU AND NATALIE WERE IN DANGER

OF NOT BEING AS FABULOUS AS I KNOW YOU CAN BE.

I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU BLOSSOM FROM A RHODA

INTO A MARY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING RHODA? SHE HAD A SHOW, TOO.

IT WAS A SPINOFF. (sighs)

STOP SELLING YOURSELF SO SHORT.

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A MARY?

HOW CAN I BE MARY WHEN YOU'RE MARY?

I MEAN, THERE CAN'T BE TWO MARYS,

SO ONE OF US HAD TO BE RHODA,

AND IT CERTAINLY WAS NOT GONNA BE YOU.

WELL, I NEVER MEANT TO OUTSHINE YOU.

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY.

CURSE MY NATURAL CHARM AND EFFERVESCENCE. (sighs)

AND TO PROVE JUST HOW SORRY I AM,

I WILL GO OVER TO THAT STORE AND I WILL TURN DOWN THAT JOB.

HE OFFERED YOU THE JOB?

MM...

(sighs)

(door creaks and slams)

JUST SO YOU KNOW, THAT WAS AN ANGRY DOOR SLAM. (slams)

(rock music playing)

(turns music off)

HOW COULD YOU OFFER MY MOTHER THAT JOB?

I MEAN, SURE, SHE DRANK HER WAY THROUGH EUROPE--

AND THE UNITED STATES,

AND THE SAFER PARTS OF SOUTH AMERICA--

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT THIS STORE.

I AM THE ONE WITH A YOUNG CHILD TO SUPPORT,

AND I AM THE ONE WHO KNOWS TO PAIR A FRENCH TRIPLE CREAM

WITH THE WHIMSICAL CITRUS NOTES OF A CRISP CHARDONNAY.

I-I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW THAT.

WELL, I DO, OKAY?

I OVERHEARD PLENTY OF WINE AND CHEESE TALK

SITTING UNDER THE TABLE AT MY PARENTS' PARTIES.

AND MY WHITE-HOT RAGE IS MAKING IT ALL

COME FLOODING BACK.

I'M REALLY SORRY...

AND SCARED OF YOU.

I-I DIDN'T KNOW THIS POSITION WAS SO IMPORTANT.

WELL, IT IS, OKAY? I CAN DO IT, AND I DESERVE IT,

AND FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I JUST WANT TO BE MARY.

OKAY THEN...

MARY.

NO. YOU CAN CALL ME POLLY.

WELL, BETWEEN OUR FRIENDSHIP,

YOUR CLEAR PASSION FOR WINE AND CHEESE,

AND YOUR SOMEWHAT OFF-PUTTING SUGGESTION

OF A SPLIT PERSONALITY, I'D SAY

WE HAVE A NEW MANAGER.

WHAT? YES! THAT IS AWESOME.

GREGG... SO GREAT.

NOW, I'VE BEEN SAVING

A REALLY SPECIAL BOTTLE OF WINE

FOR WHEN SOMETHING REALLY AWESOME HAPPENED... (gasps)

BUT YOUR MOTHER DRANK IT, SO...

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

YES.

(snaps fingers) TOMORROW.

(indistinct conversations)

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT.

I WANT EACH OF YOU TO KNOW HOW PROUD I AM

OF ALL YOUR HARD WORK.

SPECIAL PROPS TO ETHAN. (exhales)

LICE DID NOT STOP YOU.

THOUGH IT DID TAKE OUT MOST OF THE HUNS.

SO TONIGHT, LET'S DO THIS ONE FOR THE HUNS.

"HUNS" ON THREE.

(all) ONE, TWO, THREE... HUNS!

WHAT IF I FORGET THE SONGS?

WHAT IF I PEE MY PANTS?

PLEASE, DUDE, GET A GRIP.

HEY! LOOK AT YOU GUYS, HUH?

THE "MULAN" THING.

IT'S--I JUST WANTED TO, UH, APOLOGIZE

FOR BEING SUCH A...

POO-HEAD.

(children giggling)

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE IN LIFE, WE SOMETIMES, UH,

WELL, WE OVERSTEP OUR BOUNDS, RIGHT?

FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN YOU TURNED MY KITCHEN DOOR

INTO A DEATHTRAP-- GRANDPA!

SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT. ANYWAY, UM...

JULIAN, YOU DID A GREAT JOB WITH THESE KIDS,

AND, UH, I'M SORRY I SAID WHAT I SAID.

YOU ARE NOT A MORON.

NOT IN THIS ONE AREA OF LIFE.

THANKS, DAD. SHOULD WE HUG?

NO, NO, DEFINITELY NOT, BUT LISTEN.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING TONIGHT, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

OKAY? KUDOS, ALL OF YOU.

I'M GONNA THROW UP!

I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOB.

I'M A MANAGER. I MANAGE THINGS.

MM-HMM. WONDERFUL.

ALL WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

BAM! YOU'VE BEEN LIFE COACHED!

(laughs) OH, REALLY? MM-HMM.

YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND TAKE CREDIT FOR THIS? MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

OKAY, WE ALL KNOW SHE'S TOTALLY MAKING THIS UP,

BUT WHO CARES?

IN HER OWN CRAZY WAY, SHE REALLY DID HELP ME.

SHE MAY BE MORE OF A MARY, BUT I'M IN MANAGEMENT NOW.

I'M LOU GRANT, BITCHES.

FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER 35, HE WAS MARY'S BOSS. (drumming)

(audience gasping and aww-ing)

YOU WERE RIGHT. SHE IS A STAR.

JUST LIKE HER MOMMY.

("I'll Make a Man Out of You" playing)

WHERE ON EARTH IS MAX?

(audience gasps)

(man) WHAT?

(deep voice) * LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS *

* TO DEFEAT

* THE HUNS

(laughing)

* DID YOU SEND ME DAUGHTERS

* WHEN I ASKED

* FOR SONS?

* YOU'RE THE SADDEST BUNCH I EVER MET * (laughing)

* BUT YOU CAN BET

* BEFORE WE'RE THROUGH

* MISTER, I'LL

* MAKE A MAN

* OUT OF YOU

YES! OUT OF YOU!

(laughter and cheering)

**

(mouthing words)

(cheers and applause continue)

(mouthing words)

**

WELL, I AM PROUD OF OUR GIRLS.

I'M PRETTY PROUD OF US.

MM. YEAH, YOU SEE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW,

WHEN WE GET INVOLVED, EVERYBODY BENEFITS.

LET'S NOT GET INVOLVED ANYMORE. NO. NO, NO, NO.

IT'S EXHAUSTING. YEAH.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN THE SHOW TONIGHT,

BY THE WAY. YEAH?

IT WAS UNRUSHED, IT FELT REAL.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I REALLY CONNECTED TO THE MATERIAL.

OBVIOUSLY.

A LOT OF THE OTHER PARENTS THOUGHT SO, TOO.

THANK YOU.

MMM.