Original subtitles

I JUST STARTED MY COURSE ON GLOBAL FEMALE OPPRESSION.

OH.

SAYS HERE IF YOU BEHAVE THE WAY YOU DO

IN MOST OF THE WORLD, HALF YOUR FACE WOULD BE GONE.

NO, NO, THEY'D LOVE ME EVERYWHERE. (click)

(blows air)

WELL, IT'S HAPPENED. THEY'RE CHARGING FOR BAGS.

FROM NOW ON, EVERY MEMBER OF THE HOUSEHOLD

WILL BRING THEIR OWN BAG TO THE DRUGSTORE.

(Polly) MY STEPFATHER'S COMEDY CLUB BUSINESS

IS BOOMING, SO HE'S CONVINCED THE UNIVERSE

IS GONNA REWARD HIM WITH DEATH.

I'VE GOT EVERY OVER-THE-COUNTER DIAGNOSTIC TEST

AVAILABLE TO MAN.

EVEN HAD TO FIGHT A CHILD FOR THIS THERMOMETER,

BUT I GOT IT.

GOES UNDER THE ARM, ON THE FOREHEAD, NO ORIFICE.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN THAT THE OTHER SHOE

IS NEVER GONNA DROP?

SHOES DROP, ELAINE.

REMEMBER WHEN BILLY CRYSTAL WAS ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW,"

AND HE MENTIONED MY NAME?

LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THE NEXT DAY.

BOOM. TESTICULAR CANCER.

UNIVERSE IS OUT TO GET ME. WE WILL STOP AT NOTHING.

THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? THE UNIVERSE.

GOD, YOU ARE SO STUBBORN.

I BELIEVE YOU WOULD GET CANCER JUST TO PROVE A POINT.

WELL, IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY.

MAX, SPEAKING OF MAKING POINTS,

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP

WITH THE MEDICAL PREPAREDNESS E-MAILS?

I AM BOTH TOO YOUNG AND TOO OLD TO BE TAKING DAILY BABY ASPIRIN.

LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S VERY IMPORTANT-- (doorbell rings)

BE ABLE TO CHECK SOMEBODY TO SEE IF THEY'VE HAD A STROKE. (monitor beeping steadily)

OKAY? THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. YOU INSTRUCT YOUR LOVED ONE

TO SMILE AND STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT. HUH?

LIKE THAT. YOU UNDERSTAND?

THAT WAY, YOU CAN TELL IF THEY HAVE A FACIAL PARALYSIS OR NOT.

SEE? HUH? GOOD. HUH? HUH? BAD.

HI. ELAINE GREEN?

OH, I JUST LOVE WHEN SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW SAYS MY NAME.

(laughs) MAKES ME FEEL FAMOUS.

(grunting)

SEE, NOW YOU'RE MOCKING ME.

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. NO, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

WE'RE BEING SUED.

(rapid beeping) WHAT?

(long beep)

WHY WOULD BARRY BERMAN SUE US?

MAX PUT TOGETHER A DEAL TO FILM COMICS FOR TV,

BUT HE NEEDED THEM TO SIGN A CONTRACT.

MY MOM WAS IN CHARGE OF CONTRACTS,

AND SHE MADE HERSELF VICE PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB.

HEY! (speaks indistinctly)

THERE WAS NO PRESIDENT.

I'M VICE PRESIDENT. I KNOW, ELAINE.

YEAH. THANK YOU.

OH, WHAT A FUNNY GUY.

IT'S HAPPENING. (sets down papers)

WE'RE BEING CRUSHED, ELAINE... OKAY.

BY A GIANT CRUSHING SHOE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD COME IN THE FORM OF AN AILMENT,

BUT THE UNIVERSE DECIDED TO MAKE IT FINANCIAL RUIN.

EXCUSE ME. AS VICE PRESIDENT,

I HAVE LEGAL CONTRACTS

GIVING US OWNERSHIP OF THAT MATERIAL.

THE CONTRACTS. OH, MY GOD. THE PUTZ DOESN'T HAVE A CASE.

THERE'S NO CASE... FOR THE PUTZ.

POLLY'S BEDROOM USED TO BE MY OFFICE.

I'M SURE THEY'RE IN THERE. (exhales deeply)

UH...

WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY AB-ROLLERS?

WELL, WHEN YOU TAKE AN AMBIEN, YOU'VE GOT A WINDOW

IN WHICH YOU CAN EITHER GO TO BED

OR YOU CAN START SHOPPING ONLINE,

SO I STARTED SHOPPING ONLINE-- I DON'T NEED AN ANSWER TO THAT.

OKAY, THEY WERE IN THE CLOSET.

I PUT THEM IN THAT SHOPPING BAG

I USED TO USE AS MY IRONIC PURSE.

DID YOU TOUCH ANY IRONIC PURSES?

UH, WELL, I-I NEEDED ROOM FOR ALL MY COLLEGE STUFF,

AND THERE WAS A BUNCH OF CRAP IN THERE,

SO I JUST THREW IT OUT--THREW OUT IN THE GARBAGE. I THREW IT.

MAYBE NOT. IN ALL THE GARBAGE-- JUST THREW IT OUT. (whispers) OH, GOD.

OKAY, OKAY, EVERYBODY TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

I WASN'T VOTED BEST LIFE COACH

BY "INSPIRATIONAL MAGAZINE" FOR NOTHING,

SO EVERYBODY... (breathes deeply) THAT WAS A PROMOTIONAL MAGAZINE

THAT YOU SELF-PUBLISHED.

DON'T BE NEGATIVE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

POLLY, DID YOU SEE A PINK SHOPPING BAG

WITH BOW HANDLES... THE BOW HANDLE ON IT.

AND AN ODDLY SEXUAL CARTOON CAT ON THE FRONT? SEXY CAT ON...

YES, I REMEMBER THAT, AND IT'S GONE.

HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER TAKING US INTO THE ABYSS? ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, I-I DON'T KNOW. "ABYSS" MIGHT BE A LITTLE...

I NEED TO GO TO THE KITCHEN.

YES.

OH, SO THIS IS MY FAULT? HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?

SO YOU SEE A BAG FULL OF PAPERS, AND YOU DON'T DOUBLE-CHECK

TO SEE WHAT'S INSIDE? WHAT IF IT WAS A BAG OF MONEY?

OH, THIS IS SO MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE THAN FIGHTING.

LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN INSIDE THE BAG. (cabinets opening and closing)

I'LL GO FIRST. KITTENS!

WHO PUTS IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS INSIDE A SHOPPING BAG

LIKE HOMELESS PEOPLE

AND MENTAL PATIENTS AND REFUGEES?

WHY ARE YOU OPENING EVERY SINGLE CABINET IN THE KITCHEN?

BECAUSE I NEED A CRUNCHY AND SALTY SNACK

TO QUELL THE TIDE OF THIS PANIC.

ELAINE, WHERE IS THAT, UH,

THE CHEESY POPCORN WITH THE UNEXPECTED KICK?

BEST CHEESY POPCORN EVER? DENVER AIRPORT.

(bells jingling) HEY, SO YOUR CHRISTMAS PIÑATA NEEDS FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS--

OH, THEY'RE COVERED. YOU SEE THIS CRAZINESS?

YOU SEE? THIS IS THE DISRESPECT

OF OUR BELONGINGS, OF OUR SPACE,

AND OF THE FACT THAT WE WELCOMED YOU INTO OUR HOME

INTO WHAT HAS BECOME AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME.

(lowered voice) IS WHATEVER THIS MY FAULT?

NO. OH, I SEE.

SO THIS IS ABOUT ME LIVING HERE.

I'VE TRIED TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO YOU, POLLY.

I AM A MAN OF INTEGRITY, OF DILIGENCE.

I'M A HARD WORKER.

OKAY, HERE WE GO. MR. PERFECT.

(deep voice) OH, I BRING MY OWN SHOPPING BAGS TO THE DRUGSTORE.

YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, INSTEAD OF USING ME

AS AN EXAMPLE, YOU DEFY ME. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SELF-CENTERED.

(pats palms)

OH, I' SELF-CENTERED? UM, THE OTHER DAY

I SAW YOU SAYING HELLO TO YOURSELF

IN THE MIRROR FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.

(imitates Max) OH, HELLO. HELLO. HI. HI. I'M MAX GREEN.

(crunching)

I WAS PRACTICING BUSINESS VOICES.

BUT IF I WANNA DO VOICES,

I SHOULD HAVE THAT RIGHT TO DO THEM WITHOUT COMMENT,

JUST LIKE I WILL LIVE WITHOUT THE FEAR OF SOMEBODY

THROWING OUT MY IMPORTANT PAPERS

OR--OR--OR USING MY ITEMS WITH TOTAL ABANDON,

LIKE MY MAX MUG.

I MADE THAT FOR YOU. THAT IS MY MUG-- PRECISELY!

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO CONSIDER DE-ESCALATING. OKAY.

(coughs) (coughs)

IN MY LIFE COACHING... NOT NOW, ELAINE.

WE DO THIS EXERCISE. IT'S VERY SPECIAL. MOM.

NOT NOW. WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. STAY OUT OF IT!

(Polly and Max shout indistinctly) OH, MY GOD! STOP YELLING!

I LOVE YOU! OH. (exhales)

I ASKED YOU IF IT WAS OKAY IF I STAYED HERE

WHILE I TOOK COLLEGE CLASSES.

NO, NO. I BEG TO DIFFER. YES. YES.

YOU ANNOUNCED THAT YOU WOULD BE LIVING HERE

WHILE TAKING COLLEGE CLASSES.

SEE, LOOK, HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANNOUNCING AND ASKING.

OH. OKAY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELTON JOHN!

OR... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELTON JOHN? EW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GLAD THIS HAPPENED.

BECAUSE HAVING YOUR STEPDAD YELL AT YOU

ABOUT HOW YOUR TAMPONS SCREW UP THE PLUMBING

IS NOT MY IDEA OF THE HIGH LIFE.

ALL RIGHT, WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT TAMPONS? AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KINDA THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FACT

THAT A SINGLE MOTHER IN HER 30s LIVING WITH HER PARENTS...

EASY. IS MAYBE NOT AS FANTASTIC AN IDEA

AS WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, SO THANK YOU.... WHO SAID IT WAS FANTASTIC?

SO MUCH... YOU NEEDED HELP.

FOR TAKING ME IN, BUT I REALLY THINK IT'S BEST

THAT I LIVE ON MY OWN.

MY LAPTOP.

OKAY, THAT'S...

YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE TIME, SHE'S HAD SOMEPLACE ELSE TO LIVE?

(Polly) I CAN HEAR YOU!

GOOD!

SO I DID THE EASY PART-- THROWING A FIT

AND STORMING OFF TO MY ROOM. NOW I NEEDED A PLACE TO LIVE.

TWO BEDROOMS, ONE AND A HALF BATHS.

IT'S GORGEOUS, AND... TOTALLY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE.

THERE'S A CRACK HOUSE FOR SALE ON MY BLOCK.

IT'S A TOTAL STEAL IF YOU CAN GET PAST THE CRACKHEADS.

CRACKHEADS, YOU SAY? WHAT IS THE PARKING SITUATION?

I SPENT THE NIGHT IN A CRACK HOUSE.

MY EX TURNED OUT TO BE A CRACKHEAD.

NAIVE ME THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST AN UPBEAT ANOREXIC.

WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE, YOU SEE WHAT YOU WANNA SEE.

THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S NOT, I MEAN, SURE, I'M A LITTLE FREAKED OUT

'CAUSE I HAVE NOT LIVED ALONE IN EVER,

AND, NO, I DO NOT POSSESS THE SKILLS

THAT PEOPLE WHO LIVE ON THEIR OWN POSSESS, AND, YES,

HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT A WAY TO END THIS SPEECH,

BUT... THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE-- BET ON HER,

'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA MAKE IT.

FEELS A LITTLE PAT, BUT I GOT THERE.

(door opens, bells jingle) OH, LOOK.

IT'S THE HAPPY COUPLE.

HE GETS HER, AND I SLEEP WITH A PILLOW SHAPED LIKE A WOMAN.

OLIVIA IS THIS GORGEOUS, RICH SHE-LAWYER.

WHEN JULIAN'S WITH ME, HE'S LIKE THIS.

YEAH! UGH.

SEE? URBAN FISHING. NO MORE RELYING ON "THE MAN" FOR FISH.

THAT FISH HAS A CONDOM IN ITS MOUTH.

PROBABLY. HE'S A PLAYA.

UM... WHEN HE'S WITH HER, HE'S LIKE THIS.

DO YOU HAVE A NICE MORBIER? BECAUSE WE ARE LOOKING FOR

A CHEESE TO PAIR WITH PEARS.

OH. OH.

OH, OH, OH.

(laughs)

IT WAS JOKE OF THE MONTH IN "GOURMET" MAGAZINE.

SO HOW HAPPY I AM YOU TWO WALKED INTO HERE. WHY DID YOU? OH.

THIS IS CLOSE TO OLIVIA'S,

AND WE'VE BEEN CAMPED OUT THERE ALL WEEKEND.

ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN CLOTHES SINCE FRIDAY.

AND SINCE WE'RE PRACTICALLY LIVING TOGETHER,

JULIAN THOUGHT, WHY NOT MAKE IT OFFICIAL?

I MEAN, I'M WEARING HIS UNDERWEAR.

AH. YEAH.

AND I'M WEARING HERS.

AND I AM WEARING A BATHING SUIT, AS IT'S LAUNDRY DAY,

SO WE ALL HAVE THINGS TO BRAG ABOUT.

ANYWAY, POLLY, WHY DON'T YOU MOVE INTO MY APARTMENT?

SERIOUSLY. I MEAN, I CAN'T GET OUT OF THE LEASE.

IT'S SUPER CHEAP. I KNOW YOU GOT IN THAT FIGHT WITH MAX.

THIS COULD BE PERFECT.

HOLY CRAP. IT TOTALLY COULD.

ISN'T HE THE BEST? OH.

HOW MANY GUYS COULD HELP THEIR EX-WIFE AND DELIGHT

THEIR... FUTURE WIFE AT THE SAME TIME?

THIS IS... AWESOME! I... ARE YOU SURE? THANK YOU.

YEAH, YEAH. MOVE IN ANYTIME.

I JUST NEED TO STOP BY TO GET MY AMP AND MY FLARES.

OH, HONEY, NOBODY WEARS FLARES ANYMORE.

NO, NO, HE MEANS ACTUAL FLARES.

THIS ONE IS A KEEPER. AW.

YOU KNOW, FOR... YOU.

SO WE MOVED INTO JULIAN'S

VARIOUS SHADES OF BROWN APARTMENT.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, KID. (clicks teeth)

AND HIM.

(squeaking) AAH!

CLOSE THE DOOR!

CLOSE IT! CLOSE THE DOOR!

YOU DO IT! I'M THE CHILD!

YES, YOU ARE. (panting)

OKAY, SO THAT WAS HORRIFIC, BUT IT'S OVER.

AND NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND ANOTHER BATHROOM

TO USE FOREVER, WHICH I WILL NOT NEED FOR A WHILE

BECAUSE I JUST WENT A LITTLE.

MEANWHILE, MAX AND ELAINE SOUGHT SUPPORT

FROM THE GUY WHO MANAGED THE CLUB IN THE '90s. MAX GREEN!

UM, HANG ON. I GOTTA PUT ON SOME PANTS.

HE'S SEEN BETTER TIMES.

WELL... THOSE LOOK DELICIOUS.

TAKE ONE. I MADE IT MYSELF. SURE. SURE.

I REMEMBER. BARRY BERMAN SIGNED THE CONTRACT.

ALL THE COMICS DID.

OH, THANK GOD. YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE. YEAH.

AND YOU'LL BE WILLING TO TESTIFY TO THAT?

SURE.

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

(laughs)

WHAT DID YOU SAY? MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FIRED ME.

YOU WERE STEALING FROM ME.

MAX, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.

BACK IN THOSE DAYS, I WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE.

OKAY, ELAINE. WE'RE GOING. OKAY.

YOU KNOW, NIRVANA, I SEE SO MUCH FOR YOU THAN THIS.

(whispers) I'M A LIFE COACH. ELAINE.

CALL ME.

OKAY, THERE SHOULD BE A BIG TUBE UNDER THE PLATE

AT THE BACK.

HA HA! I SEE IT! DOES THAT MAKE FIRE HAPPEN,

ME SEEING IT?

CAN'T WE GO BACK TO GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S? (door closes)

DON'T YOU LOVE 'EM?

OF COURSE I LOVE THEM,

BUT WE WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO LIVE THERE

UNTIL I FOUND A PLACE, AND I DID.

BUT... EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE BUILT ON DEFIANCE

ISN'T AS STURDY AS EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE

BUILT ON LOVE.

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO GRANDMA?

NOPE.

I MEAN, WE BOTH WANT THE SAME THINGS.

CANDY?

YEAH. AND FOR YOU GUYS TO MOVE BACK IN HERE.

SEE, RIGHT NOW MOMMY AND MAX ARE IN WHAT ADULTS CALL

A PISSING MATCH.

I HAD ONE OF THOSE WITH THIS KID IN PRESCHOOL. OH, YEAH?

IT WASN'T FAIR, 'CAUSE HE'S A BOY. NO.

AND WHERE IS HE NOW?

FIRST GRADE.

EXACTLY. ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA WORK ON MAX.

YOU WORK ON MOMMY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY TO HER

ABOUT... EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE?

EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE...

IS BETTER IF IT'S BUILT ON LOVE.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL DO A PRETEND KIDNAPPING.

(sighs)

HONEY, I'M SURE YOU MISS THEM,

AND, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WANNA GO BACK, TOO,

BUT WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN

AND DO YOUR LAUNDRY IN A ROOM THAT SMELLS LIKE PEE.

(The Lumineers' "Ho Hey" playing)

MAX STARTED TO WONDER HOW HE COULD TAKE BACK

ALL THE THINGS HE NEVER MEANT TO SAY.

* HO! * SO SHOW ME FAMILY

* HEY! * ALL THE BLOOD THAT I WILL BLEED *

* HO! * I DON'T KNOW WHERE I BELONG

AS FOR ME, NOW THAT I WAS SETTLED,

I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD PARTS.

* I BELONG WITH YOU, YOU BELONG WITH ME *

* YOU'RE MY SWEETHEART

* I BELONG WITH YOU, YOU BELONG WITH ME *

* YOU'RE MY SWEET

* HO!

* HEY!

**

I WASN'T SURE IF I SHOULD GIVE UP

OR STICK IT OUT AND MAKE EVERYBODY PROUD.

YOU HAVE DONE AN AMAZING JOB.

I WAS KIND OF HOPING IT WOULD BE A DISASTER

AND YOU'D COME BACK HOME.

I MISS SOMEONE TALKING TO ME IN A FEMALE VOICE.

MAX TRIED IT ONCE, WENT STRAIGHT DOWN

THAT BAD DRAG QUEEN HIGHWAY.

HOW IS MAX?

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE'S STRESS EATING

BECAUSE OF THE LAWSUIT,

SO IT'S A LOT OF SWEATPANTS AND SIGHING

AND PRETENDING HE DOESN'T MISS YOU.

(voice breaking) I WASN'T GONNA CRY.

OH, COME ON. YES, YOU WERE.

YES, I WAS.

I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE DE-ESCALATING

AND MAKING EVERYTHING BETTER, BUT THIS IS BEST FOR EVERYONE.

JULIAN'S FOUND SOMEONE HE LOVES.

I'M GROWING UP. IT'S LIKE THE NEXT STAGE. (snips)

WELL, I LOVE ANY SENTENCE WITH THE WORD "STAGE" IN IT.

SO... (door closes)

HEY. AHH.

(Julian) I GUESS THAT'S EVERYTHING.

YOU'RE ADORABLE. SINGLE MOM ON HER OWN.

YOU'RE LIKE A '70s SITCOM.

AND WE OWE IT ALL TO THE TWO OF YOU

AND YOUR CONVENIENT LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

YEAH. EVERYTHING WORKED OUT PERFECT.

COME ON, JU-JU. LET'S GO HOME.

THERE'S A LOT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY EX-HUSBAND--

WHY HE COLLECTS VINTAGE CELL PHONES,

HOW HE WOUND UP IN THIS SITUATION,

BUT WHEN I SAW HIM TURN FROM THAT KISS,

I KNEW HE DIDN'T LOVE OLIVIA,

AND HE WAS ONLY MOVING IN WITH HER FOR ME.

YOU SAW THAT. I SAW YOU SAW THAT.

UGH. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SEE ME SEE THAT?

SHE TRIED TO KISS HIM,

AND HE CHEEKED HER.

WELL, MAYBE SHE IS INTO BEARDS.

I MEAN, MAYBE HE HIDES FOOD IN THERE. HE USED TO.

WOMEN ARE INTO ALL KINDS OF WEIRD... STUFF.

OH, YOU DON'T WANNA PLAY THE "WEIRD STUFF" GAME WITH ME.

I MEAN, I CAN GO BLUER AND DARKER AND LOWER

THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE. THAT'S ENOUGH.

THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. HE DOESN'T LOVE HER.

YOU SAID THIS WAS ALL PART OF THE NEXT STAGE.

YEAH, WELL, IF HE DOESN'T LOVE HER,

YOUR STAGE IS... ROTTING AND CRUMBLING,

AND CHORUS BOYS ARE FALLING INTO THE PIT.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND... AAH!

YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT SO THAT MAYBE HE WILL LEAVE HER

AND THEN HE'LL HAVE TO MOVE BACK HERE,

AND I WILL COME BACK HOME.

WELL, MAYBE, BUT YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITH YOURSELF

IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE SACRIFICING JULIAN'S HAPPINESS FOR YOURS.

SURE, I COULD. I AM A... STONE-COLD BITCH.

PLEASE, YOU SAY "GESUNDHEIT" WHEN THE DOG SNEEZES.

I COULD. I-I WOULD JUST DRINK A LOT,

AND--AND MAYBE STOP PAYING AS MUCH ATTENTION TO MY HAIR,

AND I'D BE THIS TORTURED, INTERESTING PERSON

WITH DARK ROOTS AND A DARK SECRET.

(can tab pops)

OH, YOU DON'T WANNA PLAY THE DARK SECRET GAME WITH ME.

I ONCE WOKE UP IN A MANNEQUIN FACTORY

WITH A BUCKETFUL OF HOT WINGS AND A STEERING WHEEL IN MY HAND.

(pounds table) STOP TOPPING ME ON WEIRD THINGS!

JULIAN IS A GROWN MAN WHO IS CAPABLE

OF MAKING MATURE DECISIONS.

REALLY? SINCE WHEN?

HEY, BUDDY. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

HOLD THAT.

SINCE... THE... BEGINNING OF THIS CONVERSATION.

(door opens and closes)

ELAINE? YEAH?

I'M DYING.

I'M... LYING? (keys clatter)

NO.

MAX. (gasps) MAX. YEAH. COME HERE.

LISTEN TO ME. WHAT HAPPENED?

I'M DYING... ALONE. OH, NO, NO.

I'M HERE. I MEAN, YOU'RE HERE, BUT YOU NEVER PAINTED ME ONE OF THESE.

SOMETHING IS--I'M HAVING...

OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED?

(whispers) I'M HAVING A STROKE.

OKAY. LET ME CHECK YOUR PULSE.

AM I SMILING?

YOU ARE SMILING. IS MY TONGUE STRAIGHT?

YOUR TONGUE IS STRAIGHT. (whispers) IT'S MY TONGUE.

IS MY TONGUE STRAIGHT? YES, IT IS.

I NEED TO HAVE BILATERAL SYMMETRY. (beeping)

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE NEVER REALLY HAD THAT.

YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD SORT OF A CHARACTERY FACE, TO BE HONEST. WHAT?

(whispers indistinctly) EMERGENCY PEOPLE?

I'M DYING. I'M HAVING ONE.

HELLO! HEY.

COME ON IN. (gasps)

I KNOW, RIGHT?

UM...

SO, NAT, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT DADDY NIGHTS?

YEAH. DID YOU KNOW THAT OLIVIA HAS A STABLE?

THERE ARE HORSES OUT BACK IF YOU WANNA GO PET THEM.

(gasps) COOL.

I CAN GET USED TO THIS.

A STABLE? UH, THIS IS KIND OF AMAZING.

YOU MUST BE SO HAPPY HERE, RIGHT? YOU'RE SO HAPPY HERE?

WELL, IT DOESN'T SUCK.

DOESN'T SUCK. AWESOME. OKAY, SO I WILL, UH,

PICK UP NAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. OKAY.

AH, HEY, POL.

JU-JU, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT THERE'S NOT REALLY

A PLACE FOR THESE OLD PHONES,

SO I'M GONNA HAVE JULIO TAKE 'EM TO THE DUMP.

(box thuds)

(strained voice) OKAY.

JU-JU... I HOPE I'M WRONG-WRONG,

BUT I'M KINDA GETTING A LITTLE BIT OF A FEELING

THAT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT SO INTO OLIVIA.

I MEAN, IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU'RE JUST LIVING HERE WITH HER

BECAUSE OF ME AND MY SITUATION?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE HER, OKAY?

SHE'S GREAT. I SAW YOU CHEEK HER, JULIAN.

SHE LEANED IN TO KISS YOU, AND... YOU CHEEKED HER.

IS THAT EVEN A THING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

OKAY, YOU BE YOU, AND I'LL BE OLIVIA. OKAY.

SO I LEAN IN, AND IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA KISS YOU,

LIKE THIS. LIKE, YEAH. MM-HMM.

MMM.

WHAT THE (bleep)?

NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. HONEY.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT.

I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO DEMONSTRATE TO HIM

WHY I THOUGHT HE WASN'T REALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. YEAH, AND--AND--

I DIDN'T GET IT. HE DIDN'T GET IT.

HE DIDN'T GET IT. SO I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT.

HE LEANED IN TO KISS YOU LIKE THIS...

YEAH. IT'S LIKE THIS. MMM.

STOP DOING THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!

I DON'T KNOW--OW! OKAY, BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT.

NO, OLIVIA, PLEASE, CAN NATALIE JUST RIDE THE HORSES

FOR A LITTLE BIT? I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK HER--

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GET HER. I'LL GET HER. HE'S GONNA GET HER.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THIS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (ring)

WHAT, HE HAS TO GO GET HER. (ring)

HEY, MOM. (sighs)

WHAT? WELL, WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU? GOT HER.

OKAY. UM...

(beep) WE HAVE TO GO.

WE HAVE TO GO. YEAH.

YEAH. I-I JUST SAID YOU HAVE TO GO.

BYE, LADY!

MY NAME'S OLIVIA. (Natalie) BYE, OLIVIA!

I'LL CALL YOU LATER AND EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

POLLY'S RIGHT.

I REALLY SHOULD BE GOING. OKAY? THIS WOULD NEVER WORK.

UNLESS YOU WANNA JUST HOOK UP EVERY-- JUST GO!

IT'S A BAD IDEA. I'LL SEE YA.

OKAY, I WANT YOU TO GET ME A PRIEST.

HONEY, WE'RE JEWISH.

I UNDERSTAND. I'M COVERING ALL MY BASES.

I NEED FOR SOMEONE TO HEAR ME SAY GOOD-BYE

TO POLLY AND NATALIE IN MY MIND.

I WOULD LOVE SOME CHIPS.

I'M DYING FOR SOME CHIPS AND SALSA.

ASK HER. ASK HER. NURSE, MY HUSBAND NEEDS CHIPS AND SALSA.

(curtain rings swoosh) OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ARE YOU OKAY? OH! OH, YES, YES.

OH, MY GOD. I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE--

WE'RE HERE. LOOK, YOU ARE HERE. SO HAPPY YOU'RE--

I WAS WORRIED THAT THE LAST THING

YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD ME DO WAS YELL.

HI, GRANDPA.

HI, GORGEOUS.

(chuckles and kisses)

LOOK AT THESE EARS.

THOSE ARE BUNS.

OH, MY. AND YOU, WHERE IS YOUR SEXY SUGAR GIRL MAMA?

OH. POLLY HELPED ME REALIZE THAT I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE.

YEAH, WELL, OF COURSE SHE DID, BECAUSE YOU ARE SELFLESS.

OH. AND YOU PUT EVERYBODY BEFORE YOU.

AND I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF THAT STUFF THAT I SAID.

I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF IT.

OH, MAX, I LOVE YOU. I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I'M THE-- I LOVE YOU. NO, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

COME HERE.

(whispers) SAGE WORKS.

POLLY, IF I DIE HERE... MM-HMM?

(whispers) I NEED YOU TO ERASE THE HISTORY ON MY COMPUTER.

(normal voice) EVERYBODY, COME ON.

OH. CAN WE DO THIS? YEAH?

GET IN RIGHT HERE. GET IN. COME ON. NURSE.

NO, THAT'S SOMETHING--

COME. OKAY. THANKS.

UH, WE GOT YOUR BLOOD WORK BACK, MR. GREEN. YES.

YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE JUST REALLY, REALLY HIGH.

I'M WHAT? OH. (chuckles)

(laughs) YOU'RE HIGH.

THAT IS... (snorts) YOU'RE HIGH?

CRAP.

SO I MOVED BACK IN WITH MY PARENTS.

ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED? AND ON THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAPPEN REGULARLY,

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST...

OKAY, NAT...

TO MY DAUGHTER NATALIE.

I GUESS SHE WANTED MY IRONIC PURSE, TOO.

THE IRONIC PURSE. THE CONTRACTS. OH!

OH!

OH! HA HA!

OH, THE CONTRACTS!

MWAH!

(both laughing)

(Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros) * MAN, OH, MAN

* YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND

TO MY STEPFATHER MAX-- WHEN HE CAME DOWN,

I KNEW THINGS WERE BACK TO NORMAL BETWEEN US

WHEN HE WROTE ME AN E-MAIL SUBJECT LINE--

"FIVE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR PASTRY HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH."

* PLEASE ME MORE THAN YOU

* HOME, LET ME COME HOME

TO MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN... (ring)

I MAY NOT WANNA BE MARRIED TO HIM,

BUT I'M LUCKY HE'S IN MY LIFE. (ring)

HELLO? YOUNG JULIAN?

* HOME

IS THAT YOU?

* HOME IS WHEREVER I'M WITH YOU *

AND FINALLY, TO MY MOTHER-- WHOEVER THOUGHT

SHE'D FINALLY DE-ESCALATE THINGS

BY ACCIDENTALLY DOSING MY STEPDAD?

I'M SURE I'LL GET MY OWN PLACE ONE DAY,

AND NOW I KNOW I CAN DO IT.

BUT UNTIL THEN, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE

THAN LIVING WITH THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU THE MOST.

(door closes)

I LOVE HAVING HER BACK,

BUT STARING AT US WHILE WE'RE SLEEPING?

I KNOW. WHAT IF WE WERE NAKED? OR WHAT IF--

(Polly) I CAN HEAR YOU!

GO TO YOUR ROOM! WE KNOW!