Original subtitles

(Polly) LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS

ALSO MEANS YOUR PARENTS ARE YOUR ROOMMATES,

BUT NOT THE GOOD KIND WHO STAYS AT HER BOYFRIEND'S EVERY NIGHT

AND DOESN'T KEEP TRACK OF HER EXPENSIVE SHAMPOO.

MORE LIKE THE ANNOYING KIND WHO EAT YOUR FOOD...

BORROW YOUR JEWELRY WITHOUT ASKING...

AND WATCH TV IN THE ONE TV AREA THAT WE ALL AGREED

WOULD BE MY TV AREA.

GUYS, GUYS, HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS CAN I SAY THE SAME THING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? TALK AT THE SAME TIME.

IT'S CLOSER TO OUR BEDROOM... THE REMOTE CONTROL IN OUR AREA'S TOO COMPLICATED,

AND NOWADAYS YOU CAN'T TURN ON BY HAND... THAT ONE PLAYS THE MUSIC LOUD,

BUT YOU CAN'T HEAR THE DIALOGUE. 'CAUSE THERE'S NO BUTTONS ON THE TVs TODAY.

I HUMBLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS IS YOUR HOUSE

AND THAT YOU ARE LETTING ME LIVE HERE

OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART,

BUT I NEED TO HAVE SOME, YOU KNOW, SOVEREIGNTY.

GOOD WORD. SMART... AND PRETTY.

I NEED TO FEEL LIKE THERE IS ONE PLACE

THAT IS MINE WHERE I CAN RELAX AND WATCH TV.

I NEED TO FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT MY CLOTHES, MY FOOD,

MY BATHROOM.

YOU KNOW, SHE WOULDN'T BE SO KEEN ON THAT BATHROOM

IF SHE'D KNOWN FREDDY HUNG HIMSELF THERE.

(whispers) DON'T. (under breath) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OKAY, POLLY, HERE'S THE THING.

I THINK WE GOT INTO THE HABIT

OF SITTING HERE WHEN WE BOUGHT THIS HOUSE WITH OUR OWN MONEY

AND LIVED IN IT FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? RATIONAL ARGUMENTS

ARE NOT GONNA WORK WITH ME, BECAUSE I AM THE CHILD.

HEY. AND THE WHOLE POINT OF BEING THE CHILD

IS YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE.

THEY JUST HAVE TO BE ADDRESSED.

OKAY, HONEY, WE GET IT. YOU NEED A LITTLE BIT

OF POLLY SPACE, AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S COOL.

THAT'S TOTALLY COOL.

YOU KNOW, DON'T EVEN GIVE IT A SECOND THOUGHT.

HMM, BUT... THAT'S NOT...

YOU MEAN TONIGHT? MM.

OH, I'M NOT LEAVING TONIGHT. NO, I JUST PUT MY FEET UP.

I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. MY ASS AND THIS COUCH ARE MAKING LOVE RIGHT NOW.

HMM.

(rustling)

MY WONTONS.

(whistles) THAT IS A LOT OF BALSAMIC VINEGAR.

OH, CRAP. I THOUGHT IT WAS A CHEAP BARGAIN PINOT.

(sighs)

WAS THAT A SIGH?

(sighs) I'M GOING NOWHERE, ELAINE.

I MEAN, I LIVE IN THIS SMALL APARTMENT.

I'M DATING THIS GREAT GIRL WHO I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD

TO TAKE OUT TO DINNER.

I GET NO RESPECT AT MY JOB.

YOGURT! (man) YOU SUCK, LOSER!

AAH! (horn honks)

(sighs) (laughs)

WHAT? WHAT? I'M SORRY.

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GET UPSET,

AND I HAVE THIS COMPULSIVE LAUGHING.

IT'S--IT'S ONE OF MY FAILINGS AS A LIFE COACH.

YEAH. LOOK, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE.

DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS.

I KNOW. JUST, SOMETIMES THEY SEEM PRETTY FAR AWAY.

YOU IDOLIZE MAX, RIGHT?

ONCE I HAD A DREAM THAT HE GAVE BIRTH TO ME.

AHH.

WELL, HE WASN'T ALWAYS THE SUCCESSFUL COMEDY CLUB OWNER

THAT YOU SEE TODAY.

NO, NO. MAX CAME FROM NOTHING.

WHEN HE WAS GROWING UP, HE TOOK WHATEVER JOB CAME HIS WAY,

NO MATTER HOW DEMEANING.

AT ONE POINT, HE FOUND WORK CLEANING TOILETS

AT A PLUMBING SUPPLY STORE. THE ONES THEY WERE SELLING?

WHAT? THE ONES THAT THEY WERE SELLING OR THE ONES THE EMPLOYEES USED?

WHAT? DOESN'T MATTER. GO ON.

I FOUND MY MOM EATING MY FRIED RICE,

AND WHEN I CONFRONTED HER, SHE COUNTERED

WITH AN ANCIENT PROVERB ABOUT COMMUNITY,

WHICH SUCCESSFULLY MADE ME LOSE FOCUS AND GIVE UP.

I ASSUME YOU'VE TALKED TO THEM ABOUT RESPECTING YOUR SPACE.

(door bells jingle) I'VE TALKED. I'VE PLEADED. I'VE CAJOLED.

I'VE USED THE MAGNET POETRY ON THE FRIDGE.

HOW CAN THEY COLLECT RENT

AND STILL TREAT YOU LIKE IT'S THEIR HOUSE?

(stammers) I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE EASIER FOR THEM

BECAUSE, UM, I DON'T EXACTLY PAY... THAT WORD.

(cash register beeping and whirring)

(whispers) YEAH.

ANYWAY, HE HAD A DREAM OF BECOMING AN ACTOR.

HE WANTED TO GET INTO H.B. STUDIOS SO BAD,

HE DID EVERYTHING HE COULD.

HE SLEPT BACKSTAGE AT THE PLAYHOUSE,

CLEANED THE BASEMENT TO PAY FOR HIS ACTING CLASSES.

HE MAY HAVE EVEN DONE SOME HOMOSEXUAL STUFF,

BUT, YEAH, IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

BUT HE NEVER GAVE UP,

AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A DREAM. OH?

(packaging rustles) YEAH. I WANNA OPEN A ZOMBIE SURVIVOR FANTASY CAMP.

(gasps) IMAGINE YOU'RE BEING CHASED BY ZOMBIES.

ZOMBIES ARE COMING AFTER YOU.

IT'S A LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLE...

SURE. AND MAYBE SOME LUNCH, OKAY?

RIGHT WHEN YOU SIT DOWN TO EAT,

YOU THINK EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, WE ATTACK AGAIN.

(gasps) OH, SEE, NOW I WOULD GO TO THAT.

I THINK THAT IS A FANTASTIC AND BRILLIANT IDEA.

YEAH, IT IS. MM-HMM.

I SHOULD JUST GO FOR IT.

WHATEVER IT TAKES, JUST LIKE MAX.

YEAH. YEAH. (rustles)

WHAT WAS THE PLAN HERE?

I'M NOT SURE.

YOU'RE LIVING THERE FOR FREE?

YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE TREATING YOU LIKE A HOUSEGUEST?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A HOUSEGUEST. NOW I'M WORKED UP.

YOU ARE NEVER GONNA HAVE ANY SAY IN YOUR HOUSE

UNTIL YOU START COUGHING UP SOME RENT.

I HAVE SOME MONEY IN THE BANK,

BUT THINGS ARE ALWAYS PRETTY TIGHT.

IS THERE ANOTHER POSITION HERE WHERE I CAN MAKE MORE MONEY

BUT SOMEHOW HAVE, LIKE, LESS WORK?

LIKE... VICE PRESIDENT OF CHOCOLATES.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE... LITERALLY THE WORST EMPLOYEE, RIGHT?

OH.

IF YOU WANT, MY FRIEND ELI IS AN ARTIST.

HE PAYS WOMEN 1,000 BUCKS TO PAINT THEM... IN THE NUDE.

(snorts) SERIOUSLY? EW. YEAH. NO.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE QUITE THERE YET.

(mouth full) BUT THANK YOU.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT MAMA AIN'T FINE.

PLEASE DON'T REFER TO YOURSELF AS "MAMA."

MM.

A COUPLE PEOPLE JUST WALKED OUT.

COINCIDENTALLY, I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE

TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR SITUATION.

SO IF YOU LIKE IT, YOU CAN SUBLET IT FROM ME,

AND THAT WAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY THE SECURITY DEPOSIT.

(speaks French)

NO. NO SECURITY DEPOSIT.

NO SECURITE? (speaks French)

NO, NO, NOT THAT KIND OF SECURITY.

WE HAVE THAT... (sighs) THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

EITHER OF YOU SPEAK ANY ENGLISH?

UN PETIT PEU, COMME "REAL HOUSEWIVES,"

TIM TEBOW, OBAMACARE.

RIGHT. THIS JUST ISN'T GONNA WORK. UM... (pats hands)

(speaking French fluently)

C'EST TRES BIEN, MERCI, HUH? OKAY.

(under breath) SO ANNOYING.

(dog barking in distance)

OH, COME ON!

HEY. IN OUR DEFENSE,

WE WERE GONNA RACE OUTTA HERE

THE MINUTE WE HEARD YOUR CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY. THIS IS TRUE.

AND THEN WE THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, WHY SHOULD WE? WE--WE DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

AND NOW YOU'RE CAUGHT UP.

OKAY, OBVIOUSLY, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEE ME

AS AN EQUAL MEMBER OF THIS HOUSEHOLD

WHEN I AM FREELOADING AS A PERMANENT GUEST.

NO, WE DON'T THINK OF YOU-- AH, BUP BUP BUP BUP BUP.

MM. THAT IS WHY I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

YOU GUYS KINDLY TOOK ME IN DURING A VERY DIFFICULT TIME.

I GOT A JOB NOW. I'M MAKING A LITTLE MONEY,

AND IT IS TIME FOR ME TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET.

I... AM GONNA START CONTRIBUTING TO THE RENT.

IT'S A BIT. SHE'S DOING A BIT. (laughs)

THAT'S HYSTERICAL. (laughs)

WHAT? HONEY, YOU DON'T-- YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

YEAH, I KINDA DO. A LOT OF IT, ACTUALLY.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? AH--

WE'VE BEEN PUTTING SOME, YOU KNOW, SHEKELS

INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT TO KEEP YOU AFLOAT.

WHAT? WAIT. WHAT? WHAT?

NOT THAT MUCH. A STIPEND.

LIKE $200 A MONTH. $300, TOPS.

HOW MUCH?

500 BUCKS. $525.

YOU HAVE--YOU HAVE BEEN PUTTING SECRET MONEY

INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT?

IT'S NOT SECRET. YEAH.

IN NO SCENARIO DID I EVER THINK

THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

ALL THE INFORMATION IS READILY AVAILABLE ONLINE.

DON'T YOU GET A LITTLE SURPRISED WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR BALANCE?

"OH, IT'S JUST GOING UP." I CAN'T TELL YOU...

I-I JUST THOUGHT THAT I WAS VERY GOOD WITH MONEY.

WELL, THAT, IN AND OF ITSELF, IS CHILLING.

THIS CANNOT STAND. I MEAN, I'M NOT SOME CHARITY CASE.

CHARITY STARTS AT HOME.

OH, MY GOD. IS THAT HOW YOU SEE THIS?

WELL, THAT SOUNDS BAD, AND I WANT YOU GUYS

TO THINK I'M AWESOME.

I MEAN, I GUESS THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT

IS IF I PAY YOU BACK EVERY PENNY,

LIKE MAYBE I SHOULD GET A SECOND JOB.

WELL, WE ARE DOWN A WAITRESS AT THE CLUB. YEAH.

(snaps fingers) BOOM. DID THAT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

WAS SUPER OKAY AT IT. WATCH THIS.

CHECK OUT THIS TRAY ACTION. OH, LOOK.

I'M CARRYING IT. I'M WALKING. OH, OH.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? SWITCHING HANDS. UNDER THE LEG.

AROUND THE WORLD. LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT THE FIRE IN HER EYES, ELAINE, HUH?

SHE'S BECOMING SELF-ACTUALIZED.

THIS PASSION REMINDS ME OF ONE OF MY LIFE COACHING CLIENTS.

SHE MADE IT BIG IN A PONZI SCHEME,

AND THEN SHE WAS MURDERED BY HER HUSBAND.

RABBI BERNARD. YEAH.

STILL IN JAIL.

WHAT?

(whirring)

OH... EXCUSE ME?

(whirring continues)

I-I ONLY WANTED A QUARTER-POUND.

I... DO NOT REMEMBER TALKING TO YOU.

(whirring stops) OKAY. WHY DON'T WE, UH, GET YOU AWAY

FROM THE MOTORIZED RAZOR WHEEL THERE, HUH, TIRED LADY?

WHAT HAS BEEN WITH YOU THIS WEEK?

SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLE ARE REALLY TIRED,

IT MEANS THEY'RE ABOUT TO DIE.

JUST SAYING. IT HAPPENED TO MY AUNT.

I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE LISTENING TO THE TWO OF YOU

AND INSISTING THAT I PAY RENT.

NOW I'VE GOT TWO JOBS, AND I AM DANNY GLOVERING HARD.

WHAT IS THAT?

I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS (bleep).

TRIED WAITRESSING. SUCKED AT IT.

(man, amplified voice) THEN AGAIN...

OH. OH!

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

(laughter)

THEY PUT ME ON BARTENDING.

(cheering) (laughs)

HEY, KEV, LET ME TRY.

(clangs) OH!

(clatter)

(amplified voice) UH... AND I TRIED EMCEEING.

AND, UH, AND NOW COMING TO THE STAGE,

UH, YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON THE... "TONIGHT SHOW,"

LET'S GET A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR BARRY BERMAN.

(cheering) BARRY BERMAN. IS BARRY THERE?

(mouthing words)

NO PROBLEM. (chuckles) I'VE SEEN "EDDIE MURPHY DELIRIOUS,"

LIKE, A MILLION TIMES, SO I GOT THIS.

UM... WOW, THIS IS REALLY IN THERE. (microphone feedback)

THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID. (chuckles)

UH...

HEY, YOU... (thud)

OH. (clatter)

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO?

MEET A RICH OLDER GUY AND MARRY HIM.

ATTEMPTED.

HOW 'BOUT I STICK ANOTHER STRAW IN THAT SMOOTHIE?

(woman) ALL SET?

(mouths word)

I NEED TWO JOBS IF I'M GONNA PAY MY PARENTS BACK

AND PAY RENT, BUT I SEEM TO LACK THE NECESSARY SKILLS

REQUIRED FOR UNSKILLED LABOR.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN AT IT FOR THREE DAYS.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA FIND SOMETHING... (snoring)

THAT FITS YOUR SCHEDULE, THAT...

POLLY?

POLLY?

POLLY? (snorts) PROVOLONE!

YOU KNOW, POLLY IS REALLY HANGING IN THERE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER SO DETERMINED TO BE INDEPENDENT.

SHE REMINDS ME OF A YOUNG ME.

NO, SHE REMINDS ME OF A YOUNG ME,

WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE CURRENT ME,

BECAUSE I REALLY HAVEN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH.

TOUCHE. MM.

IS THAT SMOKE COMING FROM NATALIE'S PLAYHOUSE?

(sizzling)

HEY, HOT LINK?

I'M GONNA KILL HIM. OH.

YIKES.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU.

HOW IS COOKING WIENERS IN A KID'S PLAYHOUSE

BEING LIKE ME?

HEY, LOOK, ELAINE TOLD ME

HOW YOU USED TO SLEEP IN THE THEATER

TO SAVE MONEY FOR YOUR DREAMS. (gasps)

AND YOU DID SOME GAY STUFF.

(clangs)

WHICH I COULD SEE ME DOING DOWN THE LINE. YEAH.

I JUST GOTTA GET MYSELF SET UP. (taps playhouse)

HE HELPED ME UNLOAD GROCERIES-- THAT IS NOT AN EXPLANATION.

LOOK, I AM SUBLETTING MY APARTMENT

TO SAVE MONEY FOR MY DREAMS.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

(timer bell dings)

WHAT IS THAT?

(gasps) MY COUSCOUS. GIVE ME A SECOND.

I GOTTA GET THAT OFF THE HEAT.

I DON'T WANT IT TO BURN.

WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM ABOUT CHAZ?

I CAN'T HELP IT IF I TELL STORIES,

AND IT MOVES PEOPLE TO ACTION.

ISN'T THAT WHAT JESUS DID?

NOBODY GOT MAD AT HIM.

HOW IS HE GETTING MAIL HERE?

HEY, WENDY. SORRY, I SNEEZED IN THE COFFEE.

EVERYONE HERE HATES YOU.

(laughs and snorts)

HUH?

YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING.

YOU ONLY KEEP YOUR JOB BECAUSE YOUR STEPFATHER OWNS THE CLUB.

UM...

DOES EVERYONE HERE HATE ME FOR THAT REASON,

OR IS THERE ONE GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE HATES ME,

BUT REALLY HE'S KIND OF INTO ME?

YOU KNOW, LIKE IN A ROM-COM STORY,

LIKE RACHEL McADAMS?

DO YOU MEAN THE BUSBOY THAT LISTENS WHEN YOU PEE?

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S A POSITIVE THING.

**

(exhales)

(glasses clatter)

HOW WE DOIN'?

UM... GREAT.

SHE IS NOT NICE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER. SHE USED TO BE A HE.

YEAH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT, POLLY?

YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD.

YOU SHOULD BE REALLY PROUD OF YOURSELF,

'CAUSE I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'VE HAD A TOUGH YEAR, YOU KNOW?

BETWEEN THE DIVORCE AND HAVING TO UPROOT NATALIE.

NOW YOU'RE TAKING A SWING AT A SECOND JOB.

IT'S NOT EASY. YOUR COURAGE HAS REALLY HELPED YOU

RISE TO THE OCCASION.

YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS THIS WEEK.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

UM, I JUST HAVE TO MARRY THE KETCHUPS QUICKLY, SO...

(sighs)

IT'S ELECTRIC. IT'S ELECTRIC.

(crying) OH, MOMMY.

OH, HELLO. WHAT IS THIS?

OH, JEEZ. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS

OR KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

(voice breaking) EVERYBODY HATES ME.

NO.

BUT I CAN'T QUIT,

BECAUSE I MADE SUCH A BIG STINK ABOUT PAYING MY OWN WAY,

AND NOW MAX KEEPS LOOKING AT ME WITH PRIDE IN HIS EYES,

AND IT'D BE SO MUCH EASIER

IF HE WAS, LIKE, SOME STUPID, ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC

LIKE MOST STEPDADS.

THAT WAS THE GUY I DATED BEFORE MAX. SORRY.

I SUCK AT THIS. NO.

I'M EXHAUSTED. I DON'T HAVE ANY ENERGY FOR NATALIE.

(snoring)

NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW HOW BABAR GETS OUT OF JAIL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I MEAN, I'M TRYING TO HOLD DOWN TWO JOBS

AND BE THERE FOR NATALIE,

AND I'M NOT DOING ANY OF IT WELL.

ONCE I WAS IN A SITUATION THAT I COULDN'T SEE ANY WAY OUT OF.

MAX AND I HAD PLANNED THIS BIG TRIP TO ITALY,

AND ON THE DAY OF THE TRIP,

I MISPLACED THE PASSPORTS.

I KNEW MAX WAS GONNA BE FURIOUS,

SO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I DID?

YEAH.

I FAKED A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

FROM YOUR TONE AT THE BEGINNING,

I REALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE USABLE ADVICE AT THE END.

(sighs)

(knock on door)

OH, HEY.

UM, WE NEED TO TALK

ABOUT YOU LIVING HERE.

OH, YEAH? MM.

(gasps) YOU KNOW,

I HAVE THE PERFECT CHEESE FOR THAT GEWURZTRAMINER.

(exhales)

(thud) AAH! OW!

THAT'S IT.

I...

AM DONE.

(buzzing)

(buzzing stops)

HEY, MAX.

THIS IS COOL, RIGHT?

ELAINE SAID IT WAS.

JULIAN IS LIVING AT THE CLUB IN MY OFFICE.

WELL, YOU WANT HIM BACK IN THE PLAYHOUSE?

I DON'T WANT HIM ANYWHERE.

I WAS TRYING TO DO A NICE THING.

PLEASE. NOW I FEEL STUCK.

(crying) AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.

(hyperventilating)

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I CAN'T... I CAN'T... I CAN'T CATCH MY BREATH.

OH, OKAY. WELL... RELAX. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!

I WANT YOU TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, WOMAN.

I CAN'T GO ON!

I CAN'T GO ON! I CAN'T GO ON!

I CAN'T GO... I CAN'T GO, UH...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(whispers) HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

UH, I'M... HAVING... A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

OH, THIS IS A LOW MOMENT.

YEAH, YEAH.

SERIOUSLY, MOM?

NOW YOU'RE JUST MOOCHIN' MY BREAKDOWN?

LADIES, DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW

WHAT A REAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN IS?

WHEN YOUR MOTHER FORGOT THE PASSPORTS TO ITALY,

THAT WAS A REAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

YES.

LOOK, IF YOU WANTED TO QUIT,

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME.

HOW COULD I? YOU COMPLETELY LIT UP

AT THE PROSPECT OF ME GETTING MY ACT TOGETHER.

I'M JUST BACK TO BEING THE LOSER FREELOADER... (refrigerator opens)

WHO CANNOT SEEM TO LABEL HER FOOD CLEARLY ENOUGH.

THAT IS MY FALAFEL!

WOULD YOU HAVE SEEN THAT?

(scoffs)

POLLY, IF YOU DON'T WANNA WORK AT THE CLUB,

DON'T WORK AT THE CLUB. IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.

I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED. I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR FACE.

I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED. STILL SEE IT.

I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED. I'M NOT.

IT'S TOO LATE. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

BUT I AM STILL GONNA PAY RENT.

SOMEHOW, I'M GONNA PAY MY OWN WAY. SO...

I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED.

I'M NOT.

YOU ARE.

LITTLE BIT.

AND EVERYBODY SENSES IT.

YOU CAN'T JUST BE THIS OMINOUS PRESENCE

WHO FRIGHTENS PEOPLE INTO NEUROTIC ACTION.

YOU NEED TO BE... A LIGHT

THAT ILLUMINATES PEOPLES' PATHS TOWARDS POSITIVE ACTION.

WHAT?

I'M SORRY. I GOTTA WRITE THAT DOWN,

BECAUSE I THINK I JUST FOUND THE OPENING TO MY BOOK.

NO RUNNING!

THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY I COULD PRESERVE MY DIGNITY,

AND THAT WAS TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES.

SO IS THIS DEGRADING OR SHOWING GRIT?

FUNNY STORY SOMEDAY,

OR THE BEGINNING OF A CAUTIONARY TALE

THAT ENDS WITH ME DOING STUFF TO GUYS FOR CRYSTAL METH?

I'M GONNA GO WITH FUNNY STORY.

OH, DEAR GOD.

YEAH, IT'S NOT BAD. NOT BAD.

OY. HMM. HMM.

OKAY.

(singsongy) I'M READY.

OH!

OH, MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DON'T KNOW! WHAT ARE-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I PAINT WOMEN IN THE NUDE! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT? I'M NUDE!

I PAINT WOMEN IN THE NUDE! I'M NUDE! WHO PAINTS IN THE NUDE?

ME! I PAINT IN THE NUDE! DIDN'T GREG TELL YOU?

NO, NO, NO, HE DIDN'T, AND NOW WE'RE BOTH NUDE.

I KNOW!

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME CLOTHES BACK ON!

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!

(laughs)

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT RESPECTING MY AUTHORITY.

OH, YOUR REVENGE IS TO LEAVE OUT IMPORTANT DETAILS

ABOUT ARTIST'S ECCENTRIC HABITS?

MM-HMM. BURN.

(laughs)

AT LEAST YOU CAN PAY YOUR RENT FOR A MONTH.

YEAH, AND THEN WHAT?

I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT REALLY SOLVING THE BIGGER ISSUE HERE--

WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE.

MAYBE THE ANSWER IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT SECOND JOB,

IT'S FINDING THE RIGHT FIRST JOB.

EVENTUALLY. DO NOT FIRE ME.

YEAH. YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY.

I WAS SO MOTIVATED BACK IN COLLEGE

WITH ALL MY STUPID CAUSES.

I JUST WANTED TO MARCH DOWN THE HALLS OF THE CAPITOL

AND LOBBY A CONGRESSMAN TO STOP DUMPING OIL ON PENGUINS.

PELICANS. ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THE BIRDS.

BUT THE PEOPLE GOT THOSE JOBS FINISHED COLLEGE.

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT. I CAN BARELY AFFORD RENT.

I KNOW A GUY WHO'D PAY 5 GRAND

TO SLEEP WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

OH, LET ME GUESS-- JUST SLEEP, RIGHT?

NO, YOU'D HAVE TO (bleep).

MM, NOT THERE YET.

OKAY, LET'S LOOK AT YOUR PLAN, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIVING IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S PLAYHOUSE. (whispers) YEAH.

AND, UH, YOU'RE SUBLETTING YOUR APARTMENT,

SO THAT GETS YOU $200 A MONTH.

MINUS THE $25 I GIVE NATALIE.

YOU PAY NATALIE $25?

LANDLORD?

I'M NOT A MATHEMATICIAN,

BUT IT SEEMS MORE LIKELY

THAT THEY'LL BE AN ACTUAL ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

BEFORE YOU EVEN SAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO OPEN THE CAMP.

(sighs) YOU'RE RIGHT. STUPID. I'M AN IDIOT.

DON'T DO THAT. LOOK HERE'S THE THING--

YOU NEED A BUSINESS PLAN, A HOME ADDRESS,

AND A STEADY JOB.

AND IF YOU PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL NEVER, EVER LIVE

ANYWHERE I LIVE... OR WORK,

I WILL HELP YOU OUT.

OKAY. HERE. WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

AND TELL ELAINE I LIT YOUR PATH.

AND YOU CAN WORK. START HERE TONIGHT.

SECTION FIVE.

FIVE. THANK YOU. OKAY.

MAX, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(door closes)

DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?

OH, YEAH.

I JUST DOUBLED THE AMOUNT OF TIME I GET TO SEE JULIAN.

HMM. SO I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.

AW, YOU'RE A BIG MAN. I LOVE YOU. DO YA?

MM.

MY RENT...

FOR THIS MONTH.

REALLY?

WHICH I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME BACK.

YOU REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MONEY WORKS, DO YOU?

I WOULD LIKE TO USE THIS

TO FINISH COLLEGE.

BUT SOMEBODY WHO DOES THAT NEEDS A SUPPORT SYSTEM

THAT PROVIDES FOOD AND MONEY AND CHILD CARE.

AND INSTEAD OF THAT, I HAVE YOU GUYS.

AND I'M REALLY LUCKY, TOO,

BUT I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING SOMEDAY

TO MAKE YOU REALLY PROUD OF ME,

AND ME REALLY PROUD OF ME.

OKAY? I KNOW IT'S REALLY A LOT TO ASK.

NO. WE'RE ALL YOURS. YOU KNOW THAT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE MOSTLY YOURS.

2- OR 4-YEAR COLLEGE? WE'LL FIGURE OUT THE RATIO.

THANKS, GUYS. THANK YOU.

(static crackles)

(crackles)

(roars)

(roaring, screaming)

(crackles)

EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE

TO LIVE IN A...

WELL, WONDER NO MORE.

HERE AT ZOMBIE SURVIVOR,

YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LEARN WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE

TO FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE AGAINST SOULLESS MONSTERS

HELL-BENT ON YOUR DESTRUCTION.

IT'S GREAT FOR OFFICE PARTIES, TOO.

AND FOR THE LITTLE ONES, WE'VE GOT ZOMBIE SURVIVOR, JR.

BRAINS AND A JUICE BOX!

BOOK NOW, AND WE'LL INFECT A MEMBER OF YOUR PARTY

WITH THE SAME KILLER VIRUS THAT HAS DEVASTATED HUMANITY.

OH, NO! BOB FROM ACCOUNTING'S GOT IT! KILL HIM!

HERE THEY COME!

BOOK YOUR ADVENTURE NOW!

**