Original subtitles

(Polly) WHEN YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS,

A PEACEFUL EVERYDAY THING LIKE READING

CAN BE INTERRUPTED BY SAID PARENTS

LEAVING FOR THE THEATER.

(Elaine) ...BOTTLENECK THE WHOLE WAY.

TAKE FOUNTAIN. DO YOU HAVE THE TICKETS?

I-I GAVE YOU THE TICKETS. YOU PUT 'EM IN YOUR PURSE.

WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME THE TICKETS? BECAUSE YOU SAID,

"GIVE ME THE TICKETS. I'LL PUT 'EM IN MY PURSE."

OH, WELL, WE SHOULD GO. IT'LL BE FINE.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT, 'CAUSE THEY'LL ALWAYS LET YOU IN

WITHOUT TICKETS. TICKETS ARE PRETTY MUCH OPTIONAL.

GETTING ANGRY WILL NOT BRING THOSE TICKETS BACK.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO MY ANGER, ELAINE, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES US HUMAN-- ANGER AND CARBON. LOOK IT UP.

BUT WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT?

DID SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE

LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO YOU?

YOU. YOU LOST THE TICKETS.

THERE'S NO DEEPER ANALYSIS NECESSARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST LET IT BE WHAT IT IS, OKAY?

THE NIGHT IS RUINED. WE'RE JUST PEOPLE NOW--

PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT GOING TO BE GOING TO THE SHOW.

OKAY, I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO YOU BOTH LEAVING,

SO LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

MOM, WHERE IS THE LAST PLACE YOU HAD THE TICKETS?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE TICKETS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

SHE WAS DOING HER HAIR. I HANDED THEM RIGHT TO HER.

MOM.

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

THERE THEY ARE.

(laughs) WE SHOULD GO.

YEAH, GIVE ME THE TICKETS. ELAINE. (sighs)

(door opens)

(whistles)

OKAY, ACCORDING TO... (sighs)

ACCORDING TO THIS TEST KIT,

THAT BROWN STUFF UNDER YOUR BED... (sniffs)

WAS NOT TOXIC MOLD.

THAT'S BECAUSE, AS I REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU,

IT'S CUPCAKE CRUMBS FROM WHEN I FELL ASLEEP

EATING A CUPCAKE. WHAT IF YOU CHOKE?

THEN I DIE THE HAPPIEST DEATH EVER.

LOOK, DADDY, IT'S YOU, ME, AND MOMMY

CAMPING AT GOLDEN BEAR. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO AGAIN.

UM, ACTUALLY, HONEY,

WE ARE NOT DOING ANOTHER

FAMILY TRIP TO GOLDEN BEAR THIS YEAR. WHY NOT?

WHEN YOUR KID ASKS YOU WHY YOU AREN'T GOING CAMPING

WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND,

YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES...

OR...

WELL, WE ARE NOT, UH, DOING IT BECAUSE

WE AS A NATION DECIDED TO GIVE GOLDEN BEAR BACK TO THE BEARS.

THAT'S WHAT THAT WHOLE LAST ELECTION WAS ABOUT.

SO THE BEARS ARE UP THERE. THEY'RE CELEBRATING.

THEY'RE DRINKING. THEY'RE HAVING HONEY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, BEARS.

HOW GREAT IS IT WE GOT OUR CAMPSITE BACK?"

EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY SAY IT, IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE...

(growls)

AND INSTEAD OF GOING CAMPING,

I WILL ALSO BUY YOU ONE OF THOSE ADORABLE PLASTIC BUNNIES

THAT POOPS JELLY BEANS.

OH. OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY.

AND LYING WINS AGAIN.

UH-HUH. NO.

I GOT IT. YES. THANK YOU. (beep)

WHAT WAS THAT? THAT WAS THE SOCIAL WORKER AT THE HOSPITAL.

YOUR AUNT FLORENCE HAS TAKEN A BAD TURN.

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND DRAMATIC, BUT THE END IS NIGH.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY,

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

I WILL NOT. THAT WOMAN WAS RELENTLESS WITH ME

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP-- VERY CRITICAL.

SHE WOULD EMBARRASS ME. YOU KNOW WHEN I STAYED WITH HER,

SHE WOULD SERVE ME BOILED STEAK.

IT WAS A HOSTILE GESTURE.

BUT THIS IS A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY

FOR YOU TO GET AT WHAT'S UNDERNEATH

ALL OF THAT ANGER.

UNDERNEATH ALL THAT ANGER, YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE?

MORE ANGER. GOES DOWN ABOUT A MILE.

THEN IT HITS A HUGE LAYER OF PISSED OFF.

I'M ENTITLED TO FEEL THAT WAY, ELAINE.

HOW ABOUT THIS? IT'S ON THE WAY.

YOU GO UP TO THE ROOM. YOU SAY A FEW WORDS,

AND THEN WE GO TO THE SHOW.

IF IT DOESN'T HELP,

YOU GET TO SET THE TEMPERATURE ON THE HOT TUB

FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

WHOLE MONTH? A-ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT I'M--

I'M GONNA GIVE HER TEN MINUTES, INCLUDING PARKING.

BUT IF I MISS THE PART WHERE TEVYE DANCES WITH THE BUTCHER,

OH, IT'S GONNA BE YOUR ASS.

**

OKAY, FOR TONIGHT'S STUFFED ANIMAL CHOICE,

WE HAVE MONKEY, TIGER,

OR AFRICAN-AMERICAN SOCK FULL OF RICE

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH AT THE FARMER'S MARKET.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN SOCK FULL OF RICE, PLEASE.

AH, EXCELLENT CHOICE.

MOMMY, THERE'S A MEAN GIRL AT SCHOOL NAMED BETSY.

SHE CALLED ME "STUPID."

HAS BETSY TEASED YOU BEFORE?

NO.

MAYBE SHE WAS JUST CRANKY AND HUNGRY.

THAT'S HOW I GET.

BUT YOU TELL ME IF SHE'S MEAN AGAIN, OKAY?

OKAY.

SHE ALSO SAID MY HAIR WAS UGLY.

WHAT? (scoffs) WELL, THAT IS CRAZY,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE MY HAIR, WHICH IS AMAZING,

AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

GUY AT A GAS STATION ONCE OFFERED ME 500 BUCKS

TO DO SOMETHING NAUGHTY WITH MY HAIR

WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. FORGET.

FORGET. FORGET.

SO SHOULD WE TELL HER TEACHER?

No way.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO TO A SNITCH?

In first grade?

IT'S EVEN WORSE IN THE FIRST GRADE,

'CAUSE THIS WILL FOLLOW HER ALL THE WAY THROUGH SCHOOL.

NATALIE TATTLE-LEE. IT'S TOO PERFECT.

THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO NAME HER "ORANGE."

Nothing rhymes with that.

YEAH, 'CAUSE A KID NAMED ORANGE

HAS NO PROBLEMS IN HER FUTURE.

Okay, so holding pattern--

SEE WHAT HAPPENS. CONTINUE TO MONITOR

the situation.

IS THAT A CUPCAKE ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND?

WHAT? (singsongy) GOOD NIGHT.

(monitor beeping steadily)

(woman over P.A.) DR. GORDON, PLEASE CALL...

HI.

HI. WE'RE THE FAMILY.

HI. SHE'S BEEN DRIFTING IN AND OUT.

IS SHE CURRENTLY IN OR OUT? BECAUSE WE HAVE A THING.

ATTENTION, 3-5-1.

OUT.

WE WERE NEVER HERE. (gasps)

OH, WE CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

WHY NOT? SHE'S RESTING.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LISTEN TO ME AS YOUR WIFE,

MAYBE YOU CAN RESPECT MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION

AS A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH.

I HAVE A CLIENT WHOSE ANONYMITY I RESPECT--

YOU KNOW MARIE BANISTER, BLACK HAIRDRESSER?

ALL RIGHT. (whispers) I HAVE BEEN HAVING

FANTASTIC SUCCESS WITH HER USING MY NEW C.L.E.A.R. METHOD.

IT STANDS FOR "CONFRONT, LET GO, REJOICE."

C-L-R SPELLS "CLuR."

I HAVE HELPED HER CONFRONT HER FEELINGS.

SHE LET 'EM GO, AND THEN WE REJOICED.

LISTEN TO ME. THESE ARE MY REAL FEELINGS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? MM.

AUNT FLORENCE HAS BEEN A MISERABLE (bleep) TO ME.

SHE IS THE POINT OF ORIGIN.

IF YOU CAN CONFRONT THESE FEELINGS,

IT'S GONNA HAVE SUCH A POSITIVE EFFECT

ON ALL OF YOUR DEEP ANGER ISSUES.

JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE WAKES UP, AND THEN YOU SAY...

(whispers) "AUNT FLORENCE, YOU ARE A MISERABLE (bleep)."

WELL, THAT'D BE PRETTY SWEET.

MM.

**

THE MEAN GIRL'S NAME IS BETSY?

SO PLAYED OUT.

I KNOW, RIGHT? HOW DARE SHE SAY MY BABY HAS UGLY HAIR? (clatter)

I BET HER HAIR'S ALL NASTY AND FILLED WITH SNAKES AND RATS.

WOULDN'T THE SNAKES EAT THE RATS?

IN THIS CASE, THEY'RE UNLIKELY FRIENDS,

UNITED BY THEIR MUTUAL HATRED OF BETSY.

(clatter) I TRIED TO IGNORE MY BULLY KEVIN MORAN.

IT ACTUALLY INSPIRED HIM TO COME UP

WITH CREATIVE NEW WAYS TO UNRAVEL MY LIFE.

THE LOCKER STUFFINGS BECAME MORE HUMILIATING,

THE PURPLE NURPLES MORE ATOMIC.

HE STOLE MY MEDICAL CHART FROM THE NURSE

AND USED MY OWN ALLERGIES AGAINST ME.

OH, MY GOD. GREGG, WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

WELL, IT ALL EVENS OUT IN THE END, YOU KNOW?

I MANAGE A SMALL GOURMET MARKET

WHILE KEVIN MORAN WAS RECENTLY ELECTED TO CONGRESS, SO...

(whirring) WAIT. IT DOESN'T EVEN OUT.

THERE IS NO JUSTICE,

AND LIFE IS A CRUEL, NEVER-ENDING RIDDLE.

(cash register beeping and whirring)

(cell phone buzzing)

NATALIE'S SCHOOL?

THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN HERE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS.

OH, I HEARD IT ALL ABOUT THIS BETSY STUFF LAST NIGHT,

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I INTEND TO PROSECUTE THIS

TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THE LAW IS.

UH, FULL DISCLOSURE.

I WORK IN A GROCERY STORE. I DID NOT FINISH COLLEGE.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BETSY.

(snickers) YEAH, HERE IT COMES.

THE SYMPATHETIC, LIBERAL BULL CRAP, HUH?

YEAH. BETSY'S EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED.

SHE'S BEING MAINSTREAMED,

BUT NOW OUR DAUGHTER HAS TO PAY IN BLOOD?

OKAY, THERE IS NO BETSY AT THIS SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO HAVE A CONFERENCE ABOUT BETSY.

I DO. BETSY DOES NOT EXIST. AND SINCE SHE DOES NOT EXIST,

I FELT A CONFERENCE WAS IN ORDER.

OKAY, JUST TO BE CLEAR, ARE YOU SAYING OUR DAUGHTER

CREATED AN IMAGINARY BULLY?

EXACTLY, AND I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE

TO ADDRESS IT BEFORE I SCHEDULE AN EVALUATION.

UH... BUT...

WELL, UH, ARE WE 100% SURE THAT THERE ISN'T ANOTHER CHILD

AT THIS SCHOOL WHOSE NAME SOUNDS LIKE "BETSY"?

YOU KNOW, LIKE BETTY OR... BITSY?

BOOTSIE. BOOTSIE.

NO?

IT'S GONNA BE 101...

THE REST OF MY LIFE. JUST HOW I LIKE IT.

WHY HAS MAX BEEN ANGRILY WORKING ON THE HOT TUB

FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS?

WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TENSION HERE.

I FINALLY GOT HIM TO SEE AUNT FLORENCE.

WE SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL.

SHE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING,

AND HE DIDN'T GET TO SEE THE SHOW.

I'M IN THE PROCESS

OF USING MY C.L.E.A.R. METHOD

TO SEE WHAT'S UNDERNEATH... (whispers) ALL THAT ANGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH ALL THE ANGER?

BONE, TO SUPPORT THE ANGER.

OKAY, I JUST SEARCHED THE WEB FOR ARTICLES

ON IMAGINARY BULLIES.

AND? NOTHING CAME UP.

WHICH MEANS THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

IT'S HAPPENED ANYWHERE, EVER.

YEAH. SO STARTED A WIKI PAGE ON IT.

WELL, WE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT.

BECAUSE THEY ARE GONNA DO AN EVALUATION,

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA CHUCK HER IN THAT CLASS WITH BOOGER TOM

AND KID WHO WON'T TAKE OFF THE SPIDER-MAN MASK.

THESE ADMINISTRATIVE FASCISTS

ARE JUST STAMPING OUT CREATIVITY.

BOOGER TOM COULD BE OUR NEXT PICASSO.

NATALIE IS WONDERFULLY INVENTIVE, JUST LIKE YOU WERE.

YOU'D SPEND HOURS GOING THROUGH MY PROP TRUNK.

(marching band playing on TV)

(grunting)

(humming) (man on TV) YEAH? WELL, THEN WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SUIT?

OW! (thud)

UHH!

I USED THAT CANE ON AND OFF FOR TWO YEARS,

AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS SO CUTE.

WE ALSO KNEW YOU WERE DOING IT FOR THE ATTENTION.

IF YOU KNEW THAT, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME ATTENTION?

WE WERE BUSY. I JUST BOOKED A NATIONAL PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL.

MAX WAS TEACHING STAGE COMBAT.

I MEAN, WE WERE FINALLY BREAKING THROUGH.

THAT'S IT. NATALIE NEEDS MORE ATTENTION.

TOMORROW MORNING, WE WILL FOCUS ALL OF OUR ENERGY ON HER.

BETTER IDEA--YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE "INCEPTION."

HERE'S WHAT WE DO. WE PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPLANT

AN IMAGINARY BULLY THAT'S BIGGER THAN BETSY

TO SCARE HER AWAY.

WE'LL DO THE ATTENTION THING FIRST.

YEAH.

(sighs)

(chair wheels roll)

FLORENCE.

(loudly) NICE TRY, ELAINE.

NOT GONNA BREAK ME DOWN WITH ONE OLD PHOTO.

(presses keys)

(woman) * MEMORIES

* LIKE THE CORNERS OF MY MIND

SHE ALWAYS JUDGED ME.

WHY DID SHE JUDGE ME SO HARSHLY, ELAINE?

CONFRONT. LET GO.

YOU--YOU--YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD DO, THE BEAST?

SHE WOULD FILL ME WITH SELF-DOUBT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? AND I WOULD COVER IT WITH RAGE.

MM-HMM. AND BY OCCASIONALLY EATING AN ENTIRE HAM.

(dog barking in distance) (breathes heavily)

YOU OPENED ME UP, AND I'M A MESS.

I'M A MESS. YOU ARE NOT A MESS. YOU ARE A STRONG MAN...

YOU KNOW YOUR FREUD.

WHO IS EXPRESSING HIS EMOTIONS.

(whispers) IS IT WORTH IT?

I FIND IT VERY PROVOCATIVE.

YOU DO?

I DO.

I WAS UP LATE EATING CUPCAKES AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

THE PERFECT WAY TO GIVE NATALIE ATTENTION

WHEN "DOWNTON ABBEY" CAME ON.

(imitates British accent) TEA PARTY TIME!

PULL UP A BLOODY CHAIR AND BLOODY JOIN US.

(under breath) DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE DOING BRITISH.

(under breath) THEY'RE FAMOUS FOR TEA. WHO ELSE LIKES TEA?

INDIANS, ASIANS, PASHTUNS?

I'VE GOT US GOING ON A ROAD.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST STAY ON THE ROAD. YEAH, OKAY. FINE.

BETSY SAYS WE HAVE TO GO WATCH TV.

BETSY? OH.

GREAT. DIDN'T REALIZE THAT BETSY WAS JOINING US TODAY.

MM-HMM.

BETSY'S HERE?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS STRICTLY A SCHOOL THING.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO? I DON'T WANNA INVITE BETSY

TO THE TEA PARTY. I DON'T LIKE HER.

(tsk-tsks) DO NOT UPSET BETSY BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T RULED OUT

WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S A GHOST.

DON'T EVEN FREAKIN' SAY THAT. YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE THINKS BETSY'S HERE. JUST GO WITH IT.

(dishes clatter)

(imitates Cockney accent) TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA, BETSY.

ARE YOU DOING ALL RIGHT, YEAH?

(imitates Cockney accent) AH!

MUM WENT OUT A LITTLE EARLY,

BOUGHT SOME CRUMPETS AND SPECIAL CHOCOLATE MILK

FROM THE... (gulps) PUB.

NAH, BETSY WANTS TO GO WATCH TV,

SO I'M GONNA DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

(woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)

OH.

WHERE'S FLORENCE?

OH, I'M SORRY. SHE PASSED AWAY LAST NIGHT.

SHE DIED WHILE WE SCHTUPPED.

(cartoon music and sound effects playing on TV)

WELL, THAT IDEA CRASHED AND BURNED.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

HEY. SO...

ABOUT BETSY...

SHE'S NOT REAL, RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT REAL.

OH, I'M REAL. (scoffs) I'M QUITE REAL.

CAN YOU PROVE IT?

YES, I CAN PROVE IT.

SEE, I HAVE A MOTHER AND A FATHER,

AND, UM, THAT'S NOT REALLY-- UH...

OH, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A MIRROR,

AND YOU SEE YOUR--OR THAT COULD BE YOUR REFLECTION REFLE--

UM... RENE DESCARTES, PHILOSOPHER.

HE SAID, "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM,"

WHICH... IS NOT CONCLUSIVE.

BUT, YEAH, IF I BIT INTO A HAMBURGER AND TASTED IT,

BUT IS... ANYTHING REAL IF I'M NOT?

WHAT?

YOU LET A 6-YEAR-OLD PAINT YOU INTO A PHILOSOPHICAL CORNER?

YEAH, BUT, POLLY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT'S REAL?

OKAY, THIS IS GETTING SERIOUSLY DESPERATE.

WE ARE GONNA HANDLE THIS LIKE RESPONSIBLE PARENTS.

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE TO MAKE BETSY GO AWAY? NEW BIKE?

A BOX OF KITTENS? A NEW SUPER LATE BEDTIME?

50 BUCKS? 50 BUCKS?

BETSY WANTS YOU, ME, AND DADDY TO GO CAMPING AT GOLDEN BEAR.

OH, BOY. WE ARE GONNA NEED A SEC.

GO AHEAD.

OKAY, I'M GONNA SAY IT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HER TO GOLDEN BEAR?

(scoffs) BECAUSE THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN, IT'S A HUNDRED MILES AWAY.

WE'D HAVE TO RENT CAMPING EQUIPMENT.

HOW CRAZY IS THIS GONNA GET?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST DON'T WANT HER TO GET EVALUATED.

I WAS EVALUATED,

AND LOOK AT ME.

(wolf howls in distance)

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

(sighs) BETSY'S A BITCH.

WHAT IS HER FASCINATION WITH THIS PLACE?

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, SHE HATED IT LAST TIME.

YEAH. OKAY?

SHE COULDN'T SLEEP. SHE FELL IN THE CREEK.

THE THREE OF US HAD TO DRIVE 10 MILES

TO GET HER CHICKEN NUGGETS.

YEAH, REMEMBER WHEN WE CAME BACK?

WE ALL GOT INTO THE SAME SLEEPING BAG,

AND THEN I HAD TO PEE, AND IT TOOK ME FOREVER

TO GET OUT. YEAH.

(laughing) AND THEN WE ALL COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING.

(snorts) IT WAS LIKE THIS AMAZING FAMILY...

IT WAS GOOD. OH.

SHE MISSES BEING A FAMILY, AND SHE WANTS IT BACK.

SO SHE CREATED A LITTLE JERK WITH A BIG MOUTH

WHO COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN FOR HER. MM.

IT'S GENIUS.

SHE KNOWS WE'RE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

I MEAN, I TOLD HER THAT THE DAY WE MOVED OUT.

(doorbell rings, rainfall)

WHY ARE WE HERE?

WE ARE HERE BECAUSE...

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE

IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

(Julian) YEAH, I'M NOT SEEING HOW WHAT YOU TOLD HER

EXPLAINED ANYTHING.

WELL, HEY, YOU'RE HER DAD. WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

DADDY, WHY DON'T YOU LIVE WITH US ANYMORE?

UH... I-I THINK A BETTER QUESTION IS

DO YOU WANT 15 BALLOONS?

OH, SO BASICALLY YOU JUST SIDESTEPPED THE ISSUE

AND BRIBED HER WITH A BUNCH OF BALLOONS?

WELL, AT LEAST SHE GOT SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

I MEAN, ALL YOU DID WAS SELL HER SOME FAIRY TALE

WHERE EVERYTHING'S AWESOME AND FUN?

YOU DID THE SAME THING WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

LOOK, I THOUGHT THINGS WERE FINE,

BECAUSE YOU SAID, "EVERYTHING'S FINE."

CUT TO--I COME HOME, MY FAMILY'S GONE,

AND THERE'S A NOTE ON THE FRIDGE.

I-I WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME UNTIL THE VERY LAST MOMENT

BECAUSE THAT MADE IT LESS AWKWARD.

BESIDES, YOU KNEW THINGS WEREN'T WORKING OUT,

BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON IT, YOU JUST DISTRACTED YOURSELF

WITH SOME STUPID PETITION TO MAKE PLUTO A PLANET AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL, I'D RATHER BE A DISTRACTER

THAN BE A SUGAR-COATER.

OH, YOU KNOW IF THEY WERE SUPERHEROES,

SUGAR-COATER WOULD KICK DISTRACTER'S ASS.

(speaks indistinctly) NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE DISTRACTER'S DISTRACTER GUN

WOULD RENDER SUGAR-COATER COMPLETELY UNFOCUSED.

OH, NOT IF THE DISTRACTION GUN'S TRIGGER

WAS ALREADY FROZEN OVER WITH SUGAR.

UH, GOOD POINT.

JULIAN, OUR MARRIAGE FELL APART BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF US

WAS WILLING TO TALK ABOUT THE REALITY

OF THE SITUATION.

AND WE'VE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING WITH NATALIE,

AND WE HAVE TO STOP.

BUT IF WE BREAK IT TO HER NOW,

WE'LL BE TURNING HER GREAT MEMORIES OF GOLDEN BEAR

INTO GOLDEN BEAR: WHERE LITTLE GIRLS' DREAMS GO TO DIE.

(chuckles) THEN WE'LL WAIT TILL WE GET HOME.

OUR CONVERSATION WILL BE MADE A LOT EASIER

WITH A GLASS OF WINE.

(door opens)

HI!

HEY, SWEETIE. HI.

(door closes) UH, NOBODY TOUCH HER.

NOBODY HUG HER. SHE'S COVERED IN TURTLE TURDS AND BUG SPRAY.

STRAIGHT TO THE BATH, YOUNG LADY.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT A NIGHT.

YOU WERE GONE? HMM. FUN.

HOW'S THE KID DOING? STILL SEEING FAKE PEOPLE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DID FIND OUT

THAT SUGAR-COATING OVER MY DIVORCE

WAS NOT A SOLID WAY TO GO.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I DID. WANNA KNOW HOW?

YOU SPENT A WEEK IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

FOUR DAYS WAS NOT A WEEK, AND I ESCAPED... ESCAPED IN A LAUNDRY BIN.

TO FILM THAT PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL.

WHAT IS UP WITH YOU TWO?

YOU ARE EATING TINY JAMS WITH YOUR TINY JAM SPOON,

AND MAX IS VIOLENTLY GRATING CHEDDAR.

YOUR MOTHER UNLEASHED A WELLSPRING OF EMOTION IN ME,

AND I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO PUT IT.

SO I'M PUTTING IT IN THIS CHEESE.

I MIGHT MAKE QUESADILLAS.

(whispers) MIGHT NOT.

WELL, I THINK IT IS TERRIFIC THAT MOM MADE YOU CONFRONT

YOUR DEEPER EMOTIONS.

TAKE IT FROM ME, YOU DON'T DEAL WITH THAT,

IT'S GONNA COME BUBBLING UP TO THE SURFACE

AND SCREW EVERYTHING UP.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GIVE ME CLOSURE IS DEAD,

SO TOO LATE. I WILL NOW BEGIN

A VERY UNSIGHTLY BURST OF EMOTIONAL EATING.

(whispers) IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, BABY.

JUST HOPING THIS IS WORTH THE 25 BUCKS

I SLIPPED THE ORDERLY.

I AM A BRILLIANT WIFE AND LIFE COACH.

OKAY. YOUR JOURNEY IS NOT OVER UNTIL YOU REJOICE.

SO GO AHEAD.

BUT THE SPIRITS CAN HEAR YOU.

OKAY.

I BELIEVE THAT.

FINE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A CHINESE GENTLEMAN.

OOH. AHA. HA HA HO. UH...

WHAT? (gags) GO ON.

OKAY. LET'S GO ON.

ALL RIGHT, THIS ROOM IS FULL OF DEAD BODIES, OKAY?

SO WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

(nasal voice) I DON'T KNOW.

OH, OKAY, LOOK, THERE'S TOENAIL POLISH ON THIS ONE

AND A CORN. I-I BET IT'S-- I BET IT'S HER.

(whispers) YES!

(whimpers) OKAY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. UH... (wheezes)

AUNT FLORENCE, I--

UH, JUST HOLD ON A SECOND. (laughs)

I'M S-- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I-I JUST MUST HAVE MISCALCULATED MY REACTION... THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.

TO DEAD PEOPLE. PLEASE.

I'M SORRY. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. (whines)

YOU--WHEN I WAS-- NO CAN MOVE.

(breathes deeply)

(strained voice) NO CAN BREATHE.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING LIKE OUR CLEANING LADY?

I DON'T KNOW. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, D-DO YOU NEED TO GO OUTSIDE?

I NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE.

OKAY, BUT-- OH!

OKAY, JUST...

WHAT ARE YOU-- ALL RIGHT. HELPIE.

"HELPIE, HELPIE," OKAY. OKAY, BREATHE.

(inhales deeply) OKAY, AUNT FLORENCE, GOOD-BYE.

(whimpers and cries)

I LOVE YOU. I FORGIVE YOU.

EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU-- (laughs)

FROM NOW--FROM NOW ON,

I'M GONNA THINK OF MY NUTJOB WIFE

AND HOW SHE LOST HER MARBLES, AND I'M GONNA LAUGH. (sobbing)

I'M FREAKING OUT HERE, FLORENCE.

NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE NOT-- YOU'RE NOT FREAKING OUT.

(sobbing) I'M REALLY FREAKING OUT, FLORENCE. YOU ARE--SHH. YOU ARE--

I'M REALLY SORRY. PLEASE, DON'T. WAIT.

YOU'RE A BRILLIANT LIFE COACH

AND AN EVEN BETTER WIFE,

WHO IS ABOUT TO FAINT ON A CORPSE!

(owl hoots in distance)

SO YOU AND DADDY JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS,

LIKE ME AND BILLY AT SCHOOL.

IS... BILLY REAL?

UH-HUH. WHEW.

THEN YES, JUST LIKE YOU AND BILLY.

MOMMY, ARE WE GONNA BE OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA BE FANTASTIC.

AND WE ARE STILL A FAMILY,

AND WE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY

AND LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

HA HA! * TA DA

SO WE CONFRONTED, WE LET GO,

AND WE REJOICED WITH CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES.

HOW COME THERE ARE FOUR?

I BROUGHT ONE FOR BETSY. IS SHE HERE?

SHE STAYED IN GOLDEN BEAR.

OH. OH, GOOD.

(chuckles) HEY, NOW THAT SHE'S GONE,

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

IS SHE A GHOST?

JULIAN.

HEY, MOM,

I FOUND YOUR OLD PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL ONLINE.

HEY, 54 VIEWS. NOT TOO SHABBY.

(man) AFTER A LONG DAY IN THE OFFICE,

YOUR LEGS MUST BE TIRED AND ACHING.

NOT AT ALL. IN FACT, THEY FEEL FRESH, LIVELY,

AND READY FOR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT COME UP.

(woman) * WHEN YOU'RE ON THE GO ALL DAY * (horn honks)

* "PIZAZZ" FOR YOUR LEGS (bell chimes)

(both laughing)

SORRY. YOU WERE SO GOOD. I WAS GOOD.

NO, YOU'RE SO GOOD.