Original subtitles

(Polly) THE ACADEMY AWARDS

IS MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

AW...

(laughs)

LET ME CLARIFY.

MY FAMILY THINKS THE ACADEMY AWARDS

IS AN ACTUAL HOLIDAY.

AND LIKE ANY HOLIDAY THAT INCLUDES FAMILY,

IT CAN BE FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.

(camera shutter clicks) (laughs)

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA INVITE

MY FRIENDS FROM WORK TO THE PARTY.

WELL, YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SOCIALIZE?

'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE A SMORGASBORD

OF SINGLE MEN HERE.

GARY JUST GOT HIS NEW KIDNEY, SO HE'S GOOD TO GO.

TED'S WIFE FINALLY DIED, SO HE'S BACK ON THE MARKET.

(laughs) IT'S THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

GUYS, GUYS--AND I MEAN THIS IN THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE WAY--

ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS LOOK LIKE VARIOUS STAGES OF KENNY ROGERS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH KENNY ROGERS?

I THINK HE LOOKS FANTASTIC. YEAH.

I'LL COME TO YOUR PARENTS' PARTY,

BUT I CHECKED OUT OF AWARDS SEASON

WHEN THEY SNUBBED "IRON MAN."

(door bells jingle) THESE SUPERHEROES COME HERE TO SAVE US,

WE DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.

IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

HOLY CRAP.

(door bells jingle) SCOTT MARCOS JUST WALKED IN.

OH, MY GOD. HOT SCOTT MARCOS?

AND HE'S IN DOCTOR CLOTHES. NOW HE'S DOCTOR HOT SCOTT?

WHO IS HOT SCOTT?

HE WAS THE GUY IN OUR DORM WHO WAS TOTALLY GORGEOUS,

PLAYED WATER POLO,

AND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY IN COLLEGE,

FOUND ME INTENSE AND OFF-PUTTING.

OH, GUYS FROM NEXT DOOR. YEAH. HOW'S IT GOING?

TERRIBLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY SPECIES

ARE BECOMING EXTINCT IN THE OCEAN

WHILE YOU SIT IN YOUR ROOM LISTENING TO SUGAR RAY,

WITH YOUR SHIRT OFF, LOOKING AMAZING?

OH, MY GOD, HE'S COMING OVER HERE.

(angelic choir vocalizes, harp plays)

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

EVERYONE IN COLLEGE THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE AMAZING

AND CHANGE THE WORLD.

AND NOW I WORK IN A MARKET AND CHANGE THE TOILET PAPER.

WHEN YOU REMEMBER.

I'M A DIVORCED SINGLE MOM

WHO LIVES WITH HER PARENTS, AND HE IS A DOCTOR.

HMM.

UM, COULD I GET A GRUYERE

AND A 1997 CALIFORNIA CABERNET?

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO WORK HERE?

SHH! POLLY?

OH... SCOTT MARCOS?!

WHAT--NO WAY!

HI. YEAH. (laughs) OH, YOU'RE HUGGING ME. OKAY. OH.

HOW ARE YOU, BESIDES VERY... FIT?

I'M--I'M GOOD. I'M REALLY GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. GOOD. SUPER GOOD. REALLY SUPER GOOD.

UM, I WAS JUST LOADING UP ON SOME WINE AND CHEESE, YEP. YEP.

AND, UM, WINE.

'CAUSE I GOT A BIG OSCAR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.

LOT OF FUN FOLKS. COOL.

YEAH, I SAID "FOLKS."

UH, WAIT A MINUTE. UH, GREGG, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT. HI, SCOTT MARCOS.

YOU KNOW, GREGG, I THINK, UH,

I THINK SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT YOU KILLED YOURSELF.

THAT WAS HEROIN GREGG. (mouths words)

I WAS ZIMA GREGG.

OKAY.

AND I WAS, UM...

JUST POLLY. PO--JUST POLLY. JUST POLLY.

OKAY, HERE IT IS--

THE MOCK-UP OF THE SAN DIEGO CLUB.

OH... ISN'T SHE A BEAUT? LOOK AT THIS.

SHE A BEAUTY? AND LOOK, SEE ON THE STAGE?

MINI JERRY SEINFELD. (laughs)

OH, HARRY SHOULD LOOK AT THIS.

MY STEPFATHER HAS HAD A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER

ABOUT MY MOM'S BROTHER EVER SINCE THEY MET.

MAX, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I'M AN ACTOR. OH, SURE. WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT MY SISTER AND MY NIECE

LIVING IN THIS DEATH TRAP FOREVER.

LOOK, THAT SHOOTING LAST WEEK WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.

(gunshot fires)

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT WAS A GUN.

WHY--WHY WOULD I SHOW HARRY THIS?

BECAUSE HE'S AN ARCHITECT.

HE DESIGNED A CHICKEN RESTAURANT.

I MEAN, BIG DEAL. COME ON.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE'S NO CONNECTION

BETWEEN A COMEDY CLUB AND A CHICKEN RESTAURANT?

PR-PRETTY MUCH. CLUB SELLS HOT WINGS.

TAKE AWAY THE COMICS,

YOUR CLUB IS A CHICKEN RESTAURANT.

IT--IT IS UNBELIEVABLE HOW YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE.

I AM NOT TAKING SIDES.

I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN SIDES.

WITHOUT SIDES, EVERYTHING FALLS APART.

REALLY? EVERYTHING'S FLAT, YES.

LIKE WHAT? A BOAT BECOMES...

A-A RAFT. UH-HUH?

A PYRAMID BECOMES SAND.

A BOWL OF SOUP BECOMES A STAIN.

CIVILIZED PEOPLE NEED SIDES, ELAINE.

(under breath) CIVILIZED PEOPLE NEED XANAX, MAX.

SO YOU'RE IN MEDICINE. FANCY.

OR ARE YOU AN EXTRA ON "GREY'S ANATOMY"?

(laughs) UH, YEAH. I'M--I'M--I'M IN MEDICINE,

AND, UH, IT'S LARGELY BECAUSE OF YOU.

ME? YEAH. YEAH.

OH, YOU WERE SO OBSESSED WITH SAVING THE PLANET,

THAT IT HAD THIS BIG EFFECT ON ME.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS SO CRAZY.

WE GOTTA HANG OUT. WE DO. GOT TO.

AND JUST CATCH UP ON ALL-- WE ARE ALL GOING

TO POLLY'S HOUSE FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

BECAUSE SHE'S KIND,

AND... SHE SHOPS HERE SO MUCH,

AND SHE INVITED ME. SO YOU SHOULD COME.

HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

OH, OKAY. UM, THANK YOU.

UM, YEAH. AND I GUESS I WILL SEE YOU THERE.

GREAT. OKAY.

OH, GREGG, UH, GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD.

ME, TOO.

BYE. BYE.

(lowered voice) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE WELCOME. NOW YOU CAN HIT THAT.

NO. IN ORDER FOR ME TO "HIT THAT,"

HE HAS TO WANT TO "HIT" THIS, WHICH HE DOESN'T. (door bells jingle)

(door closes) HE TOTALLY DOES.

OKAY, FREEZE IT.

(key clicks) SEE?

UNNECESSARY ARM TOUCH.

NOW NOTICE HOW HE'S NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF YOUR MOUTH.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOUR MOUTH?

IT MEANS THEY WANNA PUT THINGS IN YOUR MOUTH.

LIKE FEED YOU?

OH, THAT'S DIRTY.

O.M.G. I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT.

HE DID A BUTT CHECK. EVEN I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS HORRIFIC.

(gasps) I THINK YOU'RE USING THAT WORD WRONG.

I FINALLY HAVE A SHOT WITH HOT SCOTT,

BUT THE PERSON HE WANTS DOES NOT EXIST,

BECAUSE I DID NOT BECOME THE PERSON

I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GONNA BE.

HEY, AT LEAST PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE.

I WONDER WHERE I'M BURIED.

**

HMM.

OKAY, SO NATALIE'S IN BED,

AND I HAVE INTERESTING INFORMATION.

THERE'S A BOY WHO LIKES ME

WHO'S COMING TO THE PARTY TOMORROW.

(laughs) OH! OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC!

THERE'S A BOY THAT LIKES HER COMING TO THE PARTY.

I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S VERY EXCITING.

IF I HAD YOUR ABANDON AND LACK OF AWARENESS

THAT I JUST TOLD YOU THERE'S A CHILD SLEEPING NEARBY,

I WOULD BE SCREAMING, TOO.

(squeals) OKAY, BUT IT'S EXCITING.

OH, WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

NO, NO, HOW TALL IS HE?

OOH! WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

GUY I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH. 6 FEET.

MAYBE A YOUNG GEORGE CLOONEY. SCOTT.

ACTUALLY, UH, WE CALL HIM "HOT SCOTT."

HOT SCOTT, THEN. SCOTT.

(both gasping)

FANTASTIC.

YOU KNOW, A GUY LIKE THAT DOES NOT STAY ON THE MARKET FOR LONG.

SO YOU GOTTA PLAN.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT.

YOU SEE, SCOTT ALWAYS SAW ME AS SOMEONE

WHO WAS GONNA GO ON TO DO GREAT THINGS.

AND SINCE, INCONVENIENTLY, I DID NOT,

THE OBJECT HERE IS TO CONTROL THE ROLLOUT OF INFORMATION,

SO I CAN GET SCOTT ON THE HOOK

BEFORE HE SEES WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME,

WHICH I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IS A MESS.

YEAH. IT IS NOT A MESS.

NO, SHE'S RIGHT. IT IS A MESS.

SO I WILL MOVE NATALIE'S SLEEPOVER WITH JULIAN

TO TOMORROW NIGHT,

YOU WILL SAY THE WORDS, "POLLY HAS A LOT

OF IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL PROJECTS IN THE WORKS,"

AND WE WILL TELL HIM THIS IS MY HOUSE,

AND YOU ARE GUESTS, AND HE WON'T KNOW I LIVE HERE

UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED,

AT WHICH POINT, WON'T REALLY MATTER,

BECAUSE I'LL BE LIVING IN A DOCTOR CASTLE.

WHOO! DEEP BREATH. THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PASS OUT.

SO CAN I COUNT ON YOU TWO?

YES. ABSOLUTELY. WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE.

WELL, I AM. YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SIDES, APPARENTLY.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN SIDES. NO.

I MEAN, I'M ON EVERYONE'S SIDE.

OKAY, SEE THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,

'CAUSE IF YOU WERE ON EVERY SIDE,

YOU WOULD BE A LIQUID OR A GAS.

OH? AND SINCE I AM MARRIED TO YOU,

I KNOW YOU ARE NEITHER.

I THINK I CAN MAKE THE ARGUMENT

THAT MOM IS AT LEAST PARTIALLY LIQUID.

OOH! SNAP.

CHEERS TO THAT.

SINCE THIS WAS NATALIE'S FIRST NIGHT AT HER DAD'S APARTMENT,

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS CHILDPROOF,

NOT APOCALYPSE-PROOF.

BRACE YOURSELF.

MM?

OH, MY GOD.

JULIAN, THIS IS AMAZING.

GOOD. GOOD.

'CAUSE I MEAN, IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT THE FIRST TIME,

SHE MAY NOT WANNA COME BACK.

YOU GOT ALL HER FAVORITE BOOKS,

DOLLS, A PINK BED?

TRIED TO THINK OF EVERYTHING A 6-YEAR-OLD MIGHT NEED.

OH, I EVEN PICKED UP A HAND-CRANK SOLAR RADIO

AND A FILTER THAT TURNS YOUR PEE INTO DRINKING WATER.

SHE IS GONNA HAVE THE BEST TIME. DON'T WORRY.

PLEASE DON'T LET HER DRINK HER OWN PEE.

UH, NO.

(orchestral fanfare playing)

HEY. I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.

GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT.

OH, NO. THIS IS JUST, LIKE,

SOMETHING A COUPLE CARTOON BIRDS

MADE UP SPECIAL FOR ME THIS MORNING.

YOU DON'T SAY? THAT'S SO FUNNY,

'CAUSE THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT-- ALSO MADE BY BIRDS.

(laughs)

UM, COME ON IN.

THERE'S--THERE'S FOOD, THERE'S DRINKS.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, A NORMAL PARTY

LIKE ANYONE IN AMERICA WOULD HAVE.

(Max, amplified voice) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

(cheering)

DID I MENTION MY PARENTS WOULD BE HERE?

OH, OH, AND LOOK,

HERE IS OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER POLLY, EVERYBODY.

(Elaine) SHE IS BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT! (cheers and applause)

AND SHE HAS MANY ENVIRONMENTAL PROJECTS IN THE WORKS. HI, HONEY. YES.

RIGHT. SHE'S SAVING ALL THE...

SPERMS. WHALES.

(mouths words) AND SHE'S WITH A FRIEND TONIGHT.

SHE IS. WHO SHE REFERS TO AS "HOT SCOTT."

(guests) OOH! DR. HOT SCOTT.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

IF POLLY ENDS UP WITH DOCTOR HOT SCOTT,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HEARING ANY COMPLAINING OUT OF US.

THERE'S NO COMPLAINING OVER HERE! (laughs)

LOVE YOU! IT'S GONNA BE A MITZVAH,

IS WHAT IT'S GONNA BE TONIGHT. LOVE HIM ALREADY. (mouths words)

OKAY. ENJOY THE PAD THAI. IT'S SHOWTIME. (cheering)

UM, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO GRAB US SOME DRINKS. OH.

BY THAT, I MEAN I NEED A DRINK.

(laughs) GREAT.

WHAT?

HOW'S IT GOING?

TERRIBLE. HE FLED TO THE BAR TO ANESTHETIZE HIMSELF.

WE KNEW IT WASN'T GOING WELL.

WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I'M NOT HANDSOME DOCTOR MATERIAL.

I AM SWITCHING TO EMERGENCY PLAN "B."

YOU'RE GONNA BE HONEST

AND BUILD A RELATIONSHIP ON TRUST?

NO. I'M GONNA WAIT TILL HE'S DRUNK, GET HIM ALONE,

AND FIND A GRACEFUL WAY TO GET MY TOP OFF.

UNGRACEFUL IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE.

THE POINT IS, I CALL THESE BABIES KYRA AND SEDGWICK.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE "THE CLOSER."

(giggles)

I THOUGHT IT WAS "THE CLOSE-R."

BUBBLY! BUBBLY! WHO WANTS BUBBLY?

(pops)

HARRY!

WASN'T AWARE I HAD MY HANDS ON A GUSHER.

(squeals) HEY, HARRY, HOW ARE YOU?

OH! ELAINE ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY CLIFT HUXTABLE

LARUE DIAMOND PHILLIPS!

HARRY DAVID HYDE PIERCE MORGAN FREEMAN.

AND IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU,

I'D SAY YOU'RE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU REALLY ARE.

BUT SINCE I DO KNOW YOU, I'D SAY...

(singsongy) YOU'VE HAD AN EYE LIFT.

ACTUALLY, THEY SWITCHED MY CHEEKS.

OH. IT'S LIKE GETTING YOUR TIRES ROTATED.

IT'S WHAT THEY DO IN FRANCE.

(French accent, amplified voice) YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME

HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE.

BET I DON'T, YOU BAD GIRL!

(laughs) (laughs) LAINEY!

(indistinct conversations)

(champagne splatters)

AND DRAW.

(imitates gunshot)

UHH! (thud)

YOU GOT ME, KID. UGH.

(grunts) YOU'RE THE FASTEST BANANA IN THE WEST.

OH.

THIS IS FUN, DADDY.

I KNOW. SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO NEXT?

GO HOME.

HI, YEAH. CAN I GET A RE... FILL. WOW.

THANK YOU. SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE A MILLION AMAZING THINGS

SINCE COLLEGE.

MM, YOU KNOW, ONE DOESN'T LIKE TO BRAG,

SO ONE WILL NOT.

BUT, UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU? FAIR ENOUGH.

BIG TIME DOCTOR. ALL THE LADIES AFTER YOU.

UH... YOU PROBABLY BROKE A COUPLE HEARTS.

AND THEN SEWED THEM BACK TOGETHER

BECAUSE YOU'RE A DOCTOR. (laughs)

(laughs)

UH, IT'S REALLY JUST THE SAME OLD STORY. MM.

BUT, UH, THIS HOUSE IS GREAT. OH.

WHEN'D YOU BUY IT?

LET'S GO SWIMMING.

WON'T THAT BE WEIRD?

AT FIRST, BUT THEN IT WILL BE FANTASTIC. (cell phone rings)

(ring)

OH. I GOTTA... IT'S, UM... (ring)

IT'S GREENPEACE.

I, UH... YEAH. NO, OH, YEAH.

UM, HELLO? POLLY GREEN.

Hi. Listen,

NATALIE MISSES HER DOG, SAYS SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP,

BUT I CAN'T HAVE DOGS HERE, SO WHAT DO I DO?

I, UH, I WOULD SAY...

FISH. FISH ARE ENDANGERED, AND THEREFORE BY ADOPTING FISH,

WE CAN PROTECT THEM FROM POLLUTION.

THANK YOU. THAT'S ACTUALLY A GREAT IDEA.

YES, YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.

QUOTE YOU TO WHO?

(beep)

WOW.

OH. (scoffs) IT'S NOTHING.

COME ON. LET'S GET YOU SUITED UP. WOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MAX'S NEW CLUB?

UH, IT'S A DEATH TRAP. OH.

YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS A DEATH TRAP.

YOU'RE LIKE THE BOY WHO CRIED DEATH TRAP.

(chuckles) THE CEILINGS ARE TOO LOW.

THAT IS SO THE LAUGHTER IS LOUDER.

ACOUSTICS, MY FRIEND.

REMEMBER, HARRY IS AN ARCHITECT.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. TAKE HIS SIDE.

LISTEN, ELAINE, IF HE WANTS TO BURN

THROUGH YOUR LIFE SAVINGS IN SAN DIEGO... HERE WE GO. YOU READY?

YOU CAN COME LIVE WITH ME. HERE'S A GOOD IDEA--

WHY DON'T YOU REDESIGN IT, ARCHITECT?

DON'T SHOVE ME WITH YOUR MOCK-UP.

THEN DON'T MOCK MY MOCK-UP.

I LOVE HER. CAN WE NAME HER IVY?

I DATED AN IVY IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE WAS SUPER CRAZY.

AND SHE COULD NOT SWIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? AS LONG AS WE DON'T NAME HER

IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN, WE'LL BE FINE.

DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING. FISH, UH, THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW HOW HUMANS JUMP INTO WATER?

FISH LIKE TO... SO IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. FISH DO THAT, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE... JUST LIKE HUMAN IVY.

AH... OH...

THESE'LL FIT. THESE ARE MY EX...

...CELLENT EXTRA MALE SWIM TRUNKS,

FOR WHEN I HAVE MALES OVER.

OH.

YOU KNOW, IF WE WERE TO SKIP THE SWIMMING PART,

WE COULD MOVE TO THE KISSING PART THAT MUCH FASTER.

I HATE SWIMMING.

(glass shatters)

(Max and Harry shouting indistinctly)

TAKE IT! YOU TAKE IT!

TAKE IT! I DON'T WANT IT!

TAKE IT, YOU NIT-PICKING MAN-BABY!

OW! OUCH!

UM, IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

(mouths words)

(Harry) OH, MY-- OW! AAH!

OH, GOD. OH.

WHAT IS THAT THING IN HIS FACE?

OH, IT'S THE TINY MIC STAND FROM THE TINY COMEDY CLUB.

NOW CAN YOU FEEL THE MIC ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR CHEEK?

IS HE GONNA BE OKAY? DO YOU NEED TO STERILIZE THAT?

I HAVE A LOT OF ALCOHOL.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I REALLY DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TREATING HIM HERE.

NO. I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE--WHOA.

HEY, IT'S OUT.

(snoring)

(splats, flaps)

BRAVO.

YOU DOCTORS REALLY KNOW HOW TO SPRING INTO ACTION.

YOU MUST HAVE THIGHS LIKE A... HUMAN FROG.

(cell phone rings) OH.

(ring, beep)

HELLO? HELLO, WHO'S THAT?

(speaking indistinctly) (speaking indistinctly)

HEY, POLLY, IT'S YOUR EX.

THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND IF YOU'RE GONNA LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SPRING FOR YOUR OWN PHONE LINE. OW.

(chuckles nervously)

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER AND AN EX,

AND YOU LIVE HERE, AND YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR OWN PHONE LINE?

I DECIDED TO CONFESS.

YES, YES, YES, AND YES.

* TA-DA

ONE SECOND.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN IS DEAD.

YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND IS DEAD?

No, no.

IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN, THE FISH I BOUGHT FOR NATALIE.

SHE WOKE UP AND SAW IT LYING ON THE FLOOR,

AND NOW SHE WANTS TO GO HOME.

And she's crying like crazy.

JULIAN...

UGH.

IT'S FINE.

UM, I WILL BE RIGHT THERE. (beeps)

(laughs) WELL, THIS IS HUMILIATING.

UM, YOU PROBABLY GUESSED BY NOW

THAT I DID NOT GO ON TO DO AMAZING THINGS AFTER COLLEGE.

I WORK IN A MARKET.

I'M DIVORCED, AND I HAVE A GREAT KID

WHO REALLY NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW, SO I GOTTA GO.

IT WAS REALLY GREAT SEEING YOU AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

UM, SORRY TO BE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.

HEY, FELLAS. WHO WANTS TO GO ON A FIELD TRIP?

YOU STABBED MY BROTHER IN THE CHEEK,

AND THEN YOU LIFT WEIGHTS?

YES, THAT'S WHAT I DO.

AND WHATEVER I DO, YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND IT.

I NOTICED YOU CHECKED ON HIM FIRST.

YOU THINK I WANNA BE OUT HERE

MISSING THE IRVING THALBERG AWARD?

HE HAD PART OF A BUILDING IN HIS FACE.

YOU ARE SO UNNATURALLY CLOSE TO YOUR BROTHER. WHAT?

YOU ARE UNHEALTHILY ENMESHED... OH.

WITH UNDERTONES OF SUBCONSCIOUS INCESTUAL DESIRES.

YES. NO, WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE TWO VERY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

WHAT--HAVE YOU MET HIM? YOU KNOW MY FAMILY'S SITUATION.

MY FATHER WAS SICK.

AND HARRY FELT IT WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY

TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

(clank) RIGHT, AND EVERY TIME HE SAYS THAT,

IT MAKES ME THINK THAT HE THINKS

I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHAT?

I THINK THAT IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION,

YOU WOULD CHOOSE YOUR BROTHER OVER ME.

IF A GUNMAN CAME IN HERE WITH A GUN

AND MADE YOU PICK WHICH ONE OF US TO KILL,

YOU WOULD SAVE YOUR BROTHER'S LIFE OVER MINE!

WHAT KIND OF A GUNMAN IS THIS?

JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION.

WHAT, HE GOES INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES

AND FORCES THEM TO MAKE DIFFICULT EMOTIONAL CHOICES?

THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, ELAINE. THAT'S HIS BREAD AND BUTTER.

AND WHY DOESN'T HE WANT OUR CLOTHES

OUR OUR MONEY OR JEWELRY?

MAYBE YOU CAN ASK HIM AFTER HE SHOOTS ME IN THE FACE.

WELL, MAYBE I WILL.

FINE.

(knock on door)

(lowered voice) HI. HEY. HEY.

I GOTTA HURRY. I'M DOUBLE PARKED. SHH.

I JUST GOT HER TO GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT?

I REALIZED I CAN'T KEEP CALLING YOU TO SOLVE EVERYTHING.

SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH.

WE HAD A FUNERAL. FLUSH. (whistles)

SHE WENT TO SLEEP.

YOU LOOK FANCY.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB.

I JUST WISH YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT.

BUT OF COURSE, YOU COULDN'T,

BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING A BIG, TRIUMPHANT FATHER MOMENT.

SO I WILL JUST GO HOME AND START OVER AGAIN TOMORROW.

YOU CARRYING A FISH?

OH, YEAH.

I WAS GONNA CONVINCE NATALIE TO SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.

SHE NEEDS HER FATHER.

AND YOU'RE A GREAT FATHER TO HAVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? A BACKUP CAN'T HURT.

OH, HEY--

HOW'S YOUR NIGHT?

UM, I WAS KIND OF HOPING IT WOULD TURN OUT A LITTLE BETTER.

IT'S ACADEMY AWARDS NIGHT. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

(keys jangle) YES.

(applause on TV)

OH, THE "IN MEMORIAM" IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW.

WHY IS ANDY GRIFFITH IN THIS? HE'S A TV GUY.

ANDY GRIFFITH WAS IN

ELIA KAZAN'S "FACE IN THE CROWD."

IT WAS A BRILLIANT, BREAKTHROUGH, STAR-MAKING TURN.

ANDY IS A LEGEND

WHO STARTED OUT AS A COMIC IN THE SMALL CLUBS,

LIKE THE ONE I SMASHED INTO YOUR FACE.

ELAINE, BACK ME UP HERE.

HARRY, YOU'RE MY BROTHER, AND I LOVE YOU,

BUT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT ANDY GRIFFITH,

I'M GONNA SET MYSELF ON FIRE.

(orchestra playing melancholy score)

**

I WISH THAT GUNMAN WOULD COME IN RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE I THINK I DID A PRETTY FANTASTIC JOB.

(kisses)

LOOKS LIKE I WAS GOING HOME A LOSER,

WHICH MAKES SENSE,

BECAUSE LOSERS TYPICALLY LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS.

(blows raspberry) OH, GOD.

BLAH.

(imitating gunshots)

HI, POLLY. OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M JUST HIDING FROM YOUR FAMILY AND WAITING FOR YOU.

I SHOULD PUT MY DRESS BACK ON.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU REALLY SHOULD,

BECAUSE...

I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

WHAT?

I'M A MURSE.

I'M A MALE NURSE.

I'M A DIVORCED MALE NURSE WITH TWO BOYS.

AND I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS SOONER,

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS INCREDIBLE PERSON

WHO WOULD HAVE NO INTEREST IN ME.

I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M, LIKE, A TREMENDOUS DISAPPOINTMENT.

OH, WELL, SO AM I.

THIS IS FANTASTIC! WE BOTH DIDN'T BECOME ANYTHING. AHH...

WELL, I MEAN, I THINK YOU DID.

BESIDES CULTIVATING AN INCREDIBLE RIGHT ARM,

I THINK IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE A GREAT MOM,

YOUR FAMILY IS HILARIOUS, AND YOUR BOOBS ARE INSANE.

THEY ARE. THEY HEAR VOICES.

LET'S BE KISSING NOW.

SO MY MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING--

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN

ON THE NIGHT OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

A FATHER CAN FIND HIS CONFIDENCE...

A WIFE CAN TAKE A SIDE...

TWO BROTHERS-IN-LAW CAN LEARN TO SHARE

THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THEIR LIVES.

AND I GOT TO HAVE AN AMAZING KISS

IN MY PUSH-UP BRA AND CONTROL TOPS,

WITH AN INCREDIBLY TOLERANT NURSE

WHO'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER.

ON OSCAR NIGHT, THEY USUALLY PLAY YOU OFF AFTER 45 SECONDS.

HOPEFULLY, THIS LASTS LONGER THAN THAT.

ANOTHER ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY FOR THE BOOKS.

DID ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE?

UH, YOU COULD SAY THAT.

SCOTT WAS FANTASTIC. YOU THINK HE'LL CALL AGAIN?

(chuckles) HE WILL IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM.

(laughs)

(door closes)

(laughs)

OOH.

BUT TELL HIM TO MOVE HIS CAR, 'CAUSE IT'S STREET CLEANING DAY.

(whispers) RIGHT.

UGH.