Original subtitles

(whirring)

(whirring stops)

POLLY, WHAT IS WITH ALL THE NOISE?

IT'S 11:30 IN THE MORNING. WHAT THE HELL?

I'M MAKING AN ENERGY SHAKE. THE MAGAZINE SAID TO USE

SOMETHING CALLED WHEY.

NO WHEY. WHEY. (laughs) NO WHEY.

"WAYNE'S WORLD." NOTHING? YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS WITH ME? NO, THANK YOU.

GUESS WHAT? I AM GONNA RUN A 5K.

5K? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU RAN?

I WAS IN A PARKING STRUCTURE. IT WAS LATE,

AND I GOT A WEIRD FEELING.

HER, ELAINE. SHE WASN'T THERE. I WAS ALONE.

THAT'S WHY I GOT A WEIRD FEELING.

OH, OKAY. I'M NOT AWAKE YET.

ANYWAY, I WAS AT THE DRUGSTORE SHOPPING FOR... CANDY,

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

WHAT IS THAT DESK DOING IN FRONT OF ALL MY CANDY?

BUT THEN ALL THESE OLD FEELINGS JUST CAME FLOODING BACK.

I MEAN, REMEMBER WHAT AN ACTIVIST I WAS

BACK IN COLLEGE?

(Polly) WE DID A SLEEPOUT FOR THE HOMELESS.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR THIS. (siren wailing in distance)

WE CHAINED OURSELVES TO TREES TO SAVE THE RAIN FOREST. (woman) GIVE TREES A CHANCE!

OH, I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE BATHROOM FIRST.

WE HELD A QUESTIONABLE FUND-RAISER

TO SUPPORT THE EQUAL PAY FOR WOMEN ACT.

DOESN'T A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST KINDA CONTRADICT OUR MESSAGE?

WE TRIED DOING A PANCAKE BREAKFAST,

BUT WE DIDN'T RAISE A DIME.

(crowd cheering)

I USED TO BE AN INSPIRED AND PASSIONATE PERSON

WHO CARED ABOUT THE WORLD.

I MEAN, I HAD COOL CLOTHES

AND A SEXY, SARCASTIC STYLE OF FLIRTING,

AND I WANNA BE THAT AGAIN.

AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT IS TO GET OFF MY ASS

AND RUN THAT 5K. (snaps fingers)

IN THE LIFE COACH BUSINESS, WE CALL THIS A SPARK MOMENT.

AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF STAGNATION,

YOUR PASSION IGNITES, AND THEN YOU BURN IN THE FLAMES

OF YOUR OWN GLORIOUS POTENTIAL.

HMM, WELL, I THINK THIS IS A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY,

AND I, FOR ONE, AM FEELING A RUSH OF PARENTAL PRIDE. AW.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HELLO, HELLO.

HUH? LET'S DO THIS. LET'S DO IT.

DO WHAT?

I ASKED HIM TO COME TRAIN ME.

HIM? MM.

WHAT DOES HE KNOW ABOUT ATHLETICS?

HIGH SCHOOL FENCING TEAM, ALL-STATE.

(deep voice) HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

I DO NOT LIKE YOU NOW.

COME ON, MAXIE.

COME ON, MAN.

(inhales deeply) ANYWAY, I'VE, UH, ALMOST FINISHED

PROGRAMMING YOUR UNIVERSAL REMOTE.

GREAT. AND GUESS WHAT?

I CAN TAKE NATALIE TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JULIAN. YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU.

I REMEMBER PAYING A LAWYER A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MONEY

SO SHE COULD DO WITHOUT HIM.

OKAY, IT'S STARTING TO FEEL

LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE A STRESSFUL SHOWER.

LOOK, THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY TO CONDUCT A DIVORCE.

AND WHERE'S THE HATE? WHERE'S THE LAWSUITS?

WHERE'S--WHERE'S MY LOOFAH?

WELL, WHEN I WAS DIVORCED, THE FIRST THING I DID

WAS SLEEP WITH MY CHICANO. OF COURSE.

CLEANSE THE PALATE. UH-HUH,

AND YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADN'T SEVERED YOUR EMOTIONAL TIES

WITH YOUR EX, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE MET ME

IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOUR CHICANO.

YEAH. RIGHT?

MM-HMM. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM,

THAT FELLA? DIED IN A TRAGIC DANCING ACCIDENT.

AT LEAST HE DIED HAPPY.

IT'S SO CRAZY. I MEAN, YESTERDAY,

I WAS A SINGLE MOM WITH A SECRET GUMMI WORM ADDICTION

AND TODAY, I'M BACK TO BEING AN ENVIRONMENTAL CRUSADER

LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE,

BUT MY HAIR'S SO MUCH BETTER NOW, RIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT? I WAS LISTENING TO "THE BEST OF CREAM."

OH, I WAS JUST SAYING, I'M SO PSYCHED TO RUN THIS 5K

AND RECLAIM MY FORMER ENVIRONMENTAL--

(thud) WHOA. DUDE.

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN TAUGHT ABOUT RUNNING

AND HARKEN BACK TO THE FIRST DAY YOU EVER RAN

AS A HUMAN ANIMAL ON THIS PLANET.

STILL NOT AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOU LAUNCHED

MY NEW KICKS OVER THE WALL.

LOOK, WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT FOR DECADES

TO LAND HEEL-TOE, HEEL-TOE,

BUT WE HAVE BEEN MISLED BY ORTHOPEDISTS,

PODIATRISTS, AND THE FOOTWEAR LOBBY.

YOU AND I HAVE TO STAND UP TO THE TYRANNY OF "BIG SHOE."

IS THERE ANY INDUSTRY THAT'S NOT INVOLVED

IN A CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU?

I THINK THE BREATHING STRIP PEOPLE

ARE GENUINELY TRYING TO HELP ME. YEAH. HMM.

COME ON. (clears throat)

IT'S KINDA LIKE PRANCING. OKAY? JUST KINDA FEEL IT.

GET YOUR FEET OUT AND...

UH, WHOA. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY ARE YOUR KNEES AND FEET POINTING OUT?

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A DICK VAN DYKE

"CHIM CHIM CHER-EE" THING GOING ON THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA BRING YOU A BLOCK OF WOOD.

HOLD IT BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR WOOD?

HEY, JULIAN, WHY DON'T YOU COME AND HAVE A SEAT?

YEAH?

YEAH.

OKAY.

JULIAN,

YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU.

JULIAN, YOU KNOW THAT ELAINE LOVES YOU,

AND I HAVE FEELINGS. YEAH, I DO.

AND WE APPRECIATE ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU DO FOR EVERYBODY,

BUT WE NEED YOU TO STOP DOING THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I'M A BIT CONFUSED.

POLLY SEEMS TO BE, UH, HOW WOULD YOU SAY? AT A CROSSROADS,

AND ELAINE AND I ARE CONCERNED THAT

SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET TO THAT NEXT PHASE OF HER LIFE

IF SHE'S CONSTANTLY LEANING ON YOU.

BUT I MEAN, ISN'T A GOOD THING THAT WE GET ALONG?

YES. NO.

NO.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY ARMS,

BUT I THINK I'VE GOT THE PRANCING THING DOWN, HUH?

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN, UM, I'VE GOTTA TAKE OFF.

WHAT? NOW I'M IN, LIKE, THIS WEIRD PLACE

BETWEEN RUNNING AND PRANCING.

I LOOK LIKE A POODLE IN A CARTOON.

COME ON. YOU DON'T NEED ME.

ANYWAY, I GOT A WHOLE CHECKLIST OF THINGS I HAVE TO DO,

STARTING WITH FIND THE CHECKLIST.

ANYWAY, WELL, SEE YA.

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS MY MOMENT!

YOU ARE LEAVING DURING MY MOMENT!

(pants)

WELL, CAN YOU AT LEAST GO GET MY SHOES?

SO WEIRD OF JULIAN TO JUST RUN OFF LIKE THAT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE'S A BUSY GUY. HE'S GOT A LIFE.

SINCE WHEN?

HOW MANY "K" IS THIS? I FEEL LIKE WE'VE DONE A LOT OF "K."

WE JUST GOT OUT OF THE CAR.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG A KILOMETER IS.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, I'M GONNA DO IT.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THOSE WHALES NEED ME.

AND AFTER I DEAL WITH THEM,

I'M GONNA RUN FOR THE OWLS. AND ARE WE STILL CLUBBING SEALS?

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE--AAH!

OW! AAH!

OH, MY GOD, POLLY, ARE YOU OKAY?

NO, I'M NOT OKAY! I'M ON THE GROUND!

ALL RIGHT. WHEN SOMEBODY IS IN MOTION,

AND THEN SUDDENLY ON THE GROUND, SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED.

AAH! AAH! OKAY.

I DON'T THINK MY LAWYER WOULD WANT ME TO LIFT YOU.

WHERE THE HELL IS JULIAN?

HE'S ALWAYS THE ONE WHO TAKES ME TO THE DOCTOR.

AAH. EVEN DIALING MAKES MY BACK HURT.

OH, YOU DON'T NEED HIM. YOU NEED ICE. COME ON.

I NEED MORE THAN ICE.

JULIAN KNOWS A LOT ABOUT INJURIES, OKAY?

(ice rattles) YOU KNOW ALL THE WEIRD CRAP HE READS.

OH, YOUR MOTHER AND I CAN READ WEIRD CRAP. RIGHT, HONEY? MM-HMM.

I NEED HIS HELP, OKAY? I ROOM MOM THIS WEEK.

NATALIE'S ART PROJECT IS DUE,

AND SOMEONE HAS GOTTA TAKE CARE OF ME

SO I CAN THAT RACE AND IGNITE MY SPARK.

AND WHO'S GONNA DO ALL THAT? (slurps)

OH, MY GOD. SHE MEANS US.

AHH. AH, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR SCHOOL.

HOW'S NATALIE'S LUNCH COMING?

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY...

(clatter) THAT I CAN'T MAKE NATALIE PEANUT BUTTER FOR LUNCH?

WELL, KIDS HAVE ALLERGIES NOW.

OH, SO MAYBE THE TERRORISTS WILL DISABLE US WITH PEANUTS.

MAX, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, OKAY?

MAKE NATALIE LUNCH LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS EVER EATEN LUNCH.

NATALIE CANNOT BE LATE, AND I CAN'T MOVE.

NO. NATALIE'S IN HER ROOM.

WELL, DID YOU GET HER DRESSED?

(mutters)

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY

THAT A CHILD CAN'T PUT ON CLOTHES?

THE UNITED STATES ARMY IS GONNA BE NUDE AND KILLED BY PEANUTS.

DO THINGS. DO THINGS, OLD PEOPLE.

GOD.

(hums)

IT NEEDS SOMETHING.

(clinking) YOU KNOW,

THIS NECKLACE BELONGED TO MY GRANDMA FRANCES,

AND WHEN I'M GONE, IT GOES TO YOU.

UNLESS I RUN OUT OF MONEY AND NEED TO SELL IT.

WHERE DO PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY'RE GONE?

OH, IT'S A FANTASTIC PLACE,

FILLED WITH ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS--

DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED LOLLIPOPS,

DJANGO REINHARDT SERENADING YOU ON GUITAR,

CHAMPAGNE, TRUFFLES, CHOCOLATE, LIMOUSINES.

IS THAT WERE I WAS BEFORE I WAS BORN?

OKAY.

WHO TAKE CARE OF ME UP THERE WHILE YOU WERE ALL DOWN HERE?

SEE, YOU'RE SMART.

I'M GONNA SAY... (whispers) GRANDMA FRANCES.

(normal voice) GRANDMA FRANCES.

SEE, I'M SMART, TOO.

WAS I DEAD?

LET'S GO SHOW MOMMY.

BAGEL AND CREAM CHEESE OKAY, OR IS THAT TOO ETHNIC?

IT'S FINE.

SO... WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER TO SCHOOL.

I'M HAVING MY COFFEE. NOW?

YEAH. RIGHT NOW!

THIS IS... WHEN I WAS 6 YEARS OLD, I TOOK...

ENDLESS. IT DOESN'T END. FOUR CITY BUSES TO SCHOOL.

GRANDMA, GRANDPA, I'M GONNA BE LATE.

OKAY, NO, YOU'RE NOT. THERE YOU GO.

OH, AND DON'T FORGET.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ROOM MOM TODAY,

SO MIGHT WANNA WEAR SOMETHING BOOGER-RESISTANT.

WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE PARENTS WORKING AT THE SCHOOL?

MY MOTHER AND FATHER NEVER ONCE CAME TO SCHOOL.

THE PARENTS CAME TO SCHOOL,

IT MEANT, OH, SOMEONE'S GOT RINGWORM.

WE'RE BEING MANIPULATED BY POLLY'S SUBCONSCIOUS.

WE REMOVED JULIAN, THEN SHE HOBBLES HERSELF

TO INTENTIONALLY DRAW HIM BACK, AND WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. (car door closes)

IT ISN'T ALL THAT EASIER FOR US.

OKAY, LISTEN TO ME. YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THIS ONE TO SCHOOL.

I'M GONNA TAKE POLLY TO THE DOCTOR.

TOGETHER, WE WILL REPLACE JULIAN UNTIL SHE'S WEANED OFF OF HIM.

OKAY. I'M IN. UNLESS YOU WANNA GO TO THE MOVIES.

CALL JULIAN. HAVE HIM COME BACK,

'CAUSE IN THAT CASE, I'M REALLY IN. NO.

(jangles) WORTH A SHOT.

**

"AND THE RABBIT SAID TO THE CHICKEN,

IT IS BETTER TO BE FRIENDS."

OH, WELL, WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING?

GRANDMA? YEAH.

TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR GRANDMA FRANCES

AND HOW SHE TOOK CARE OF ME BEFORE I WAS BORN. RIGHT.

SOMEONE TOOK CARE OF YOU BEFORE YOU WERE BORN?

YEAH, AND IT'S AN AWESOME PLACE.

LIKE HEAVEN?

WELL, UM, WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

O'BRIEN.

OH, YEAH. YOU GOT HEAVEN.

YOUR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER TOOK CARE OF YOU IN HEAVEN

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

SEE, THAT'S THE WHOLE SYSTEM THAT... GOD SET UP.

MY FAMILY DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN,

SO WHO TOOK CARE OF ME?

WELL, WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

GUPTA.

GUPTA.

I BELIEVE IT WAS A COW-- A SUPER SPECIAL COW

WITH MAGIC COW... (whispers) POWERS.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?

GREAT.

MM-HMM.

OH.

YOU'RE GOING TO LIE DOWN, KEEP YOUR HANDS AT YOUR SIDES,

AND DON'T MOVE. THE M.R.I. MACHINE

IS VERY LOUD, AND IT'LL TAKE ABOUT 30 MINUTES.

WOW, THAT IS A LOT OF MINUTES

TO BE IN A LOUD, COFFIN-LIKE STRUCTURE,

BUT I AM GONNA DO IT BECAUSE

THIS TABLE LOOKS LIKE IT'S A FIXED SIZE

THAT IN NO WAY COULD SQUEEZE ME TO DEATH.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO SUCH THING

AS A HOSPITAL THAT TRICKS YOU INTO DOING THINGS

THAT COULD KILL YOU, RIGHT?

I MEAN, UNLESS THIS IS LIKE AN ELABORATE SCHEME

TO HARVEST MY ORGANS. (laughs)

(chuckles) GET IN THE TUBE. YES.

OH, GOD.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T LIKE THIS!

I DON'T WANT THIS! I DON'T WANT THIS!

YOU'RE HAVING AN IRRATIONAL RESPONSE.

I KNOW! I AM AWARE OF IT!

AHH!

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.

I AM RETHINKING THIS.

I'M NOT READY YET. NOT READY. NOT READY. NOT READY.

TAKE YOUR FEET. NO, NO.

(singsongy) I HAVE A DAUGHTER!

BE RIGHT BACK, CAROL. AHH! AHH!

MY BACK!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. LISTEN.

OKAY. LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

THE MIND IS POWERFUL, BOY.

IF MY MIND WAS THAT POWERFUL,

I WOULD USE IT TO SET YOU ON FIRE RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT FEELS TO ME THAT YOU'RE PROLONGING

THIS EPISODE SO YOUR EX-HUSBAND CAN RIDE IN HERE ON HIS TRUCK,

WHICH IS HELD TOGETHER BY ROPE, TO SAVE YOU.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH JULIAN? IS THERE ANYTHING-- ALL RIGHT, L-LOOK.

TUBE TIME. HERE WE GO. (sighs)

ARE WE GONNA DO THIS, OR AM I GONNA HAVE MY SANDWICH?

DO YOU HAVE ANY, UH, NARCOTICS FOR HER?

(snoring)

(whirring)

(continues snoring)

(Max) OH, DAMN UNIVERSAL REMOTE.

UH-HUH.

PACINO IS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO JAMES LIPTON,

AND I CAN'T GET THIS TO FUNCTION. (clicks)

I LOVE DOING PUZZLES WITH YOU, GRANDMA.

YEAH, WELL, GRANDMA'S HAVING A BLAST.

UH, YOU FINISH THE BARN,

AND I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND. OKAY.

I FEEL THE MINUTES OF MY LIFE ARE SLIPPING

INTO A BLACK ABYSS FULL OF CRAYONS

AND NON-TOXIC GLUE.

THERE'S A GOAT IN MY CLEAVAGE.

I WAS KING LEAR IN A 19-CITY TOUR,

AND NOW I'M STANDING HERE MAKING MAC AND CHEESE

AND NOT WATCHING AL PACINO.

I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HE WORE TO BED.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANNA SAY THIS, BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL--

NO. NO, NO. L-L-LISTEN, WE NEED TO PUSH THROUGH.

JULIAN HASN'T BEEN HERE IN DAYS.

I THINK WE'RE ON THE PRECIPICE

OF GETTING SOMEWHERE.

SO THAT WAS THE DOCTOR.

I HAVE AN INFLAMED DISK AND A BRUISED COCCYX.

HE WANTS ME OFF MY FEET FOR, LIKE, TWO TO THREE WEEKS.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THE END OF THE LINE

FOR THE NEW "SAVE THE WORLD" ME...

(hands drop on lap) AND PROBABLY FOR A COUPLE WHALES.

WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU'RE MOTIVATED

AND MOVING FORWARD, AND W ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU

UNTIL YOU'RE BACK ON YOUR FEET AGAIN.

TWO TO THREE WEEKS

OF THIS LUNCH PACKING, NOODLE BOILING (bleep)?

WE'LL BE DEAD BY THEN.

SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO DROP EVERYTHING

AND COME RUNNING BACK?

EVERYTHING? WHAT ARE YOU, TEACHING AT HARVARD?

JULIAN, WE CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER THREE WEEKS OF THIS.

WE REALLY NEED YOU.

YOU CAN DO THINGS AND TOLERATE THINGS.

WE SIMPLY CAN'T.

LIKE NATALIE'S SPIRIT-CRUSHING BARNYARD PUZZLE. OH. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

THE HORSES ARE BROWN. THE DOG IS BROWN.

FARMER BROWN IS BROWN.

I MEAN, WHAT SADIST DESIGNED THAT PUZZLE, YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OUT OF THE UNIVERSAL REMOTE. NO.

IT JUST DOESN'T WORK, AND NOWADAYS, THE TVs--

THEY DON'T HAVE A PHYSICAL "ON" BUTTON,

SO IT'S NEITHER UNIVERSAL NOR REMOTE.

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS. ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, MAYBE THIS WAS A WAKE-UP CALL.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GONNA BACK OFF,

TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME FOR JULIAN.

NOW IF YOU'LL HAND ME MY GIANT SPOON...

I CAN'T REALLY BEND OVER IN THIS THING.

PICK UP THE SPOON.

(clears throat)

OH. DON'T BLAME THIS ON ME. YOU HAVE RUINED US.

I HAVE FOUR WORDS TO DESCRIBE OUR FUTURE.

DINOSAUR-SHAPED CHICKEN NUGGETS.

DON'T MAKE ME CRY.

SO FOR THE NEXT WEEK,

MY PARENTS REAPED WHAT THEY SOWED.

I'M AWAKE. WHO WANTS TO PLAY?

IT'S TOO EARLY. LET IT PEE IN THE HOUSE.

(Elaine) IT'S THE CHILD, NOT THE DOG. OH.

TURN THE TV ON. I CAN'T.

TURN THE TV ON, DAMN IT.

TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! AAH!

HERE YOU GO.

OHH. IT HURTS TO MOVE.

CAN YOU FEED ME?

MM. (slurps) (mouth full) THAT'S TOO HOT.

BLOW ON IT.

(fast-forwarding sound)

(blows air)

(indistinct conversations)

OH, I FORGOT! IT'S RAINBOW WEEK.

EVERYBODY HAS TO WEAR BLUE TODAY.

(sighs)

(indistinct conversations)

HAVE A NICE DAY, HONEY!

(singsongy) HA HA!

I'M DONE, ELAINE. (grunts)

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

LET'S JUST GET IN THE CAR, DRIVE TO THE GRAND CANYON,

AND "THELMA & LOUISE" THIS BITCH.

(doorbell rings) (singsongy) DOORBELL! GETSIE, GETSIE!

(door squeaks) HI. UH, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. ARE YOU NATALIE'S GRANDMA?

OH, I'M SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. (laughs)

YES.

MY SON CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL

SAYING HE WANTS TO CLIMB BACK INSIDE MY WIFE

AND MEET THE MAGICAL COW WHO TOOK CARE OF HIM

BEFORE HE WAS BORN.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

OH, I WAS JUST RIFFING.

ON WHAT?

YEAH, WE HAVE A PRETTY SPECIFIC RELIGION.

AT THIS POINT, I THOUGHT IT BEST

TO JUST LET MY PARENTS OFF THE HOOK,

ESPECIALLY SINCE I KNEW SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T.

HI, MR. GUPTA.

GO, OLD PEOPLE, GO.

NAMASTE. I AM SO, SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE POWWOW WITH MY PARENTS,

AND WE'LL FIX THIS. I DID NOT SAY "POWWOW"

BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE THE OTHER KIND OF INDIAN.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF INDIAN.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO SEE YOU AT SCHOOL.

OKAY. UH, BYE.

TERRIFIC.

(scoffs) JEEZ, I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON THE TWO OF YOU

TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS WHILE I WAS LAID UP.

THIS IS PRETTY TOUGH,

TRYING TO DO IT ALL WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HELP.

ISN'T IT?

POLLY, WE ARE SO VERY SORRY.

UM, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE DONE SOMETHING-- WELL, MORE YOU.

YOU WERE IN THAT SHOWER, TOO. WELL...

OKAY, THE POINT IS, WE'VE DONE SOMETHING

THAT WE'VE COME TO REGRET ON A NIXONIAN LEVEL.

YOU TOLD JULIAN TO STAY AWAY.

DID WE TELL YOU THAT ALREADY? I'M NOT SURE ABOUT NIXON.

WELL, WHEN JULIAN SUDDENLY STOPPED COMING AROUND,

IT BEGAN TO OCCUR TO ME THAT SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.

OH, AND ALSO, PHONES EXIST.

WHY DON'T YOU FINISH THE BARN? AND I'LL BE BACK IN A SEC. OKAY.

(lowered voice) THEY TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY?

YEAH. THEY SAID I WAS PREVENTING YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD,

BUT, UH, I STARTED TO GET WORRIED, SO I CALLED YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

That is horrible and unacceptable.

I AM SO SORRY.

IF MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, THEY ARE HILARIOUSLY STRUGGLING

WITHOUT YOU AROUND TO PICK UP THE SLACK.

WELL, I CAN'T WAIT TILL THEY TRY AND TAKE ON ROARING '20s DAY

AT NAT'S SCHOOL NEXT WEEK.

Who's got bowler hats?

I'VE GOT BOWLER HATS. Well, we could

CONFRONT THEM ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE DONE,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE WAY MORE FUN TO STRING THEM ALONG

AND TORTURE THEM TO TEACH THEM A LESSON.

OH, YOU ARE NAUGHTY.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU MISLED US? YOU LIED TO US?

YOU CREATED THIS WHOLE 2-TO-3-WEEK SCENARIO

TO PUNISH US?

OH, MY GOD.

(whispers) YES.

IT'S OVER! * FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST *

* THANK GOD ALMIGHTY WE ARE FREE AT LAST * * WE ARE ON OUR OWN

LISTEN, WE ARE SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

WE--WE HAD NO IDEA ALL

THE THINGS THAT YOU AND JULIAN DO.

AND MAY I SAY, YOU ARE AMAZING.

NOW WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA GO OUT TO DINNER.

HOW ABOUT A WELLNESS RETREAT IN SEDONA?

YES. YES TO THAT. OF COURSE.

UH, NOT SO FAST.

THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA DO IS APOLOGIZE TO JULIAN

AND BEG HIM TO COME BACK.

THIS IS OUR DIVORCE, AND WE'RE GONNA DO IT OUR WAY,

AND I WANT YOUR SOLEMN VOW

THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNA MEDDLE ANYMORE.

SURE. OKAY.

SHOULD WE CALL THAT RESORT WITH THE MINERAL HOT TUB,

OR SHOULD WE GO TO THE ONE WITH THE RED ROCK VIEW?

IT'S SEDONA. WE GOTTA SEE THE ROCKS.

WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

OH, JEEZ, IT'S LIKE A KNIFE COMMERCIAL.

THE 5K IS TODAY, AND I'M GONNA DO IT.

HOW? YOU'RE WALKING AROUND LIKE YOU'RE HIDING AN EGG

BETWEEN YOUR BUTT CHEEKS.

JULIAN IS GONNA HELP ME, BUT HE HAS TO WORK,

SO THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

(Max) COOL, REFRESHING YOGURT!

MAKE YOUR YOGURT BOY A BOY, BOY.

HOW ABOUT SOME--HEY, CHEAPSKATE, BUY A YOGURT.

HOW YOU DOING? YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, THIS IS A LOT EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS BAREFOOT RUNNING--

ACTUALLY QUITE LIBERATING.

I GOT A SMALL PIECE OF GLASS IN MY LEFT FOOT,

BUT MY LEGS AREN'T HURTING.

OOH, WATER STATION. LET'S PULL IN. HEY.

OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. YOU'RE DOING GREAT. (spits)

(mouth full) THIS IS CHARDONNAY.

OH, SORRY. THAT'S MINE. KEEP GOING! THANKS, MOM!

(Elaine) LOVE YOU! LIGHT THAT FIRE!

(woman) KEEP GOING! DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANYTHING

TO WHAT MY PARENTS SAID ABOUT US?

I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT US RIGHT NOW FROM THE OUTSIDE,

I LOOK INCREDIBLY DEPENDENT ON YOU.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M PUSHING YOU IN A WHEELCHAIR.

HA. THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

BEING AROUND YOU NOW MAKES UP FOR THE TIMES

I WASN'T AROUND WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.

IT'S LIKE MY VERSION OF ALIMONY.

THE ACTUAL VERSION WOULD BE REALLY NICE, TOO.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I JUST THINK IT'D BE SO EASY FOR ME TO RELY ON YOU FOREVER,

AND THAT WOULD NOT BE HEALTHY FOR EITHER ONE OF US,

SO... I'M GONNA DO THIS.

(wheels squeak) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

GOTTA WARN ME WHEN YOU DO THAT.

(grunts)

THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT. I WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

(trumpet fanfare plays)

(bleep)

(crowd cheering)

HA HA! ALL RIGHT!

YAY! WHOO-HOO! WAY TO GO, POLLY.

(Elaine) YAY!

WOW, 5 KILOMETERS IS A LOT LONGER THAN 3.2 MILES.

WELL, ACTUALLY THOSE ARE EQUAL DISTANCES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THE IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT YOU FINISHED ON YOUR OWN,

AND THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

NO, THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I HAVE THIS

AMAZING SUPPORT SYSTEM AROUND ME,

AND IF I'M GONNA BE THE ME THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE,

I'M GONNA NEED ALL OF YOU. INDEED.

INSPIRATIONAL WORDS TO THINK ABOUT

ON OUR WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. JUST ONE THING. UH, JULIAN?

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. IT'S TV-POWER, CABLE-POWER, 2-6-7, ENTER.

ALL RIGHT.

GRANDMA, GRANDPA, TOMORROW'S HAWAIIAN DAY,

SO I NEED A GRASS SKIRT AND COCONUT BIKINI.

OKAY, LOVE YOU.

OW. MM-KAY. MM. GOOD JOB. ALOHA.

LATELY THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT RELIGION

AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE'S BELIEFS

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER WE PASS AWAY.

I'VE HEARD WORDS LIKE DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED LOLLIPOPS,

CHAMPAGNE LIMOUSINES, AND, FOR SOME REASON,

DJANGO REINHARDT.

I'VE EVEN HEARD SOME KIDS EXPRESS THEIR DESIRES

TO VISIT DEAD RELATIVES,

WHICH IS WHY WE'VE INVITED NATALIE'S GRANDMOTHER

TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS SHE MAY OR... MAY NOT HAVE SAID.

WELL, THE THING IS, KIDS...

I'M CRAZY.

(laughs)

OOH!