Original subtitles

(brakes squeal)

(woman) ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO,

MY DAUGHTER NATALIE AND I SHOWED UP AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

AH, THERAPEUTIC DOUGHNUTS.

(toy squeaks)

(doorbell rings)

WHY ARE WE HERE?

ON... EARTH?

NO, AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S.

WE ARE HERE BECAUSE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD,

AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THEM,

AND THAT IS... FUN.

RIGHT?

(sighs)

HI, GRANDMA!

MOMMY, MAX...

HOPE THIS ISN'T A BAD TIME FOR YOU, 'CAUSE IT IS FOR ME.

MY STEPFATHER MAX IS A SUCCESSFUL NIGHTCLUB OWNER

WITH AN AVERSION TO TRADITIONAL WORKOUT CLOTHES.

(panting) DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE HE'S FLEEING A CRIME SCENE?

(siren whoops)

- MAYBE COME BACK IN AN HOUR? - IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I LEFT JULIAN.

I CAN'T TAKE HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE.

I MEAN, HE USED OUR RENT MONEY TO ADOPT A HIGHWAY.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT, IF YOU NEGLECT YOUR ADOPTED HIGHWAY,

THEY COME AFTER YOU.

I'M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT?

I MEAN, PLEASE TELL ME I'M THE NORMAL ONE.

IN THIS HOUSE, YOU ARE.

(exhales)

WHICH IS WHY I'VE COME HOME.

IT'S ABOUT SIX MONTHS LATER,

AND I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

I'M NOT A FAILURE. I'M... TRENDY.

(telephone beeps) EXCELLENT NEWS.

(singsongy) MAX'S FRIEND KENNY WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT. (cork pops)

KENNY'S 60.

SO? 60 IS THE NEW 30.

UH, 60 IS DOUBLE 30.

WELL, I'M NOT A MATHEMATICIAN. I'M A ROMANTIC.

(singsongy) AND KENNY IS A VERY TENDER LOVER.

MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE OF CENSORING HERSELF.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY THIS, BUT...

MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP. MOM, STOP.

BUT JELLY TASTES SO GOOD ON A (bleep).

ISN'T SHE FABULOUS?

(laughs)

THANKS. YOU JUST RUINED KENNY.

LOOK, IT MAY BE AN UNREALISTIC GOAL,

BUT I AM DETERMINED TO BE THE BEST SINGLE WORKING MOM

IN THE UNIVERSE.

BESIDES, NATALIE WOULD FREAK IF I WENT ON A D-A-T-E.

(whispers) THAT SPELLS "DATE."

MM. OH, GOOD JOB. YOU TOTALLY GOT THE POINT OF THAT.

OKAY, THE SCULPTURE WE BOUGHT IN NEW MEXICO FINALLY CAME.

(Polly) YAY! (claps)

YAY, GRANDPA! WHAT'S A SCULPTURE?

I JUST DON'T WANT NATALIE EXPOSED

TO THE SAME THINGS I WAS. NO OFFENSE.

WELL, I'M NOT OFFENDED

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

(chuckles)

WHAT? YOU HAD A PERFECTLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD.

MM-HMM.

(singsongy) HONEY!

WE'RE GOING OUT TO SEE MARTY.

NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT, HONEY.

I SAID WE'RE GOING TO A KEY PARTY. (gasps)

YEAH, SO IT WAS NORMAL FOR ME TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ORGY.

OH, ORGY. PLEASE. IT WAS SOME HALF-HEARTED GROPING,

AND THEN WE ATE A WHEEL OF BRIE.

I LOVE OUR MOTHER/DAUGHTER TALKS.

I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT SEX.

I MEAN, MAYBE IT'S GENERATIONAL,

BUTAM VERY PROUD OF MY ORGASM.

WELL, YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL. YOU SHOULD BE ON A STAMP.

(crunches)

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE AFTER YOUR DIVORCE,

YOU SLEPT WITH EVERY GUY IN YOUR IMPROV CLASS--

AND KAREN.

AND KAREN--DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M GONNA DO THE SAME,

BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE MOTHER

WHO PUTS HER DAUGHTER FIRST,

AND THAT MEANS SETTING HEALTHY, NORMAL... HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

YEP, IT'S A PUPPY FOR DADDY, HUH? LOOK AT THIS.

THAT DOG'S SCARY!

OH, THAT'S NOT SCARY. THIS IS SCARY.

(imitates dog growling) (Natalie screams)

SHE'S AFRAID OF DOGS, AND THAT IS OKAY.

THAT'S NOT A DOG. THAT'S A SCULPTURE.

I'M AFRAID OF SCULPTURES. SHE'S AFRAID OF SCULPTURES.

NATALIE, IT'S FAKE. SEE? WATCH. YOU CAN KICK IT.

(thud) OW!

(bleep)

(Patrick & Eugene) * IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW

* IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW (laughs)

* IT'S YOU AND ME, AND HIM AND HER *

* WE'LL GET THROUGH SOMEHOW *

* IT'S ALTOGETHER NOW

WE'RE GOING OUT.

YEAH. YOU TWO LOOK SNUG.

WHEN NATALIE IS NOT AFRAID TO SLEEP ON HER OWN,

I WILL USE MY BED.

IT'S CALLED ATTACHMENT PARENTING.

YEAH. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. NICE.

LOVE YOU! BYE.

(sighs)

LAMBY, THIS FEELS HEALTHY, RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.

(doorbell rings)

MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN ALWAYS MEANS WELL.

HE JUST DOESN'T DO ANYTHING WELL.

GUESS WHAT I GOT.

A JOB.

(scoffs) A LIFE HAMMER, FINALLY.

BREAKS MY CAR WINDOW IN CASE

I GET TRAPPED IN MY CAR UNDERWATER.

HOW CAN WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

MM. SERIOUSLY, I WANNA RUN A TEST.

WILL YOU TIME ME?

TAKES ABOUT 90 SECONDS FOR A CAR TO FILL WITH WATER,

ACCORDING TO HorribleWaysToDie.com.

MAYBE LATER.

JULIAN LOVES MY FAMILY. OKAY.

LATER COULD BE TOO LATE.

(door closes) AND KEEPS FINDING REASONS TO SHOW UP,

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES MAX TURNS THE HOSE ON HIM. HI, GUYS.

HI! HELLO.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE A BRICK?

GOLD BRICK?

BRICK OF HEROIN. BRICK FROM "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."

(claps)

NO, J-JUST LIKE A BRICK. REGULAR BRICK.

YEAH, SOMETHING TO PUT BEHIND MY TIRE

'CAUSE MY BRAKES ARE SHOT.

THERE'S BRICKS OUT BY THE TOOLSHED.

THANKS, DAD.

OH. I'LL JUST BE A FEW MORE DAYS

UNTIL I'M ABLE TO GET POLLY'S PHONE WINNECTED.

WHAT'S THAT?

(scoffs) WIRELESSLY CONNECTED.

COME ON, BUD.

OKAY, HE'S USING ALL THAT PHONE INSTALLING CRAP

AS AN EXCUSE TO BE HERE SO HE CAN

WORM HIS WAY BACK INTO OUR FAMILY.

HE AND POLLY ARE DIVORCED.

WHY DOESN'T HE JUST SLEEP WITH ONE OF OUR FRIENDS

AND INVEST IN A TEQUILA BUSINESS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

OOH. TEQUILA. GOOD IDEA.

AND HE'S STEALING MY CREAM SODA.

THERE'S ONE LESS THAN YESTERDAY. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

OH, OKAY. HONEY, GO EASY ON THAT.

LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN, THIS IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

WE GOTTA KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, AND WE GOTTA CATCH HIM

IN THE ACT, AND WHEN WE DO, BOOM!

I'M NOT SURE WHAT COMES AFTER THE "BOOM,"

BUT SOMETHING GOOD.

SEE, YOU'RE JUST OVERLY SENSITIVE

ABOUT PEOPLE TAKING YOUR THINGS BECAUSE OF THE...

(whispers) TESTICULAR CANCER.

YOU LET THEM TAKE MY BALL. (monitor beeping steadily)

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD ME, LIKE A SENTRY.

(gasps) OH, I THINK IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER

WITH JUST THE ONE.

IT'S MORE DISTINCTIVE.

(both laugh) (monitor beeping rapidly)

DON'T PATRONIZE ME. LET ME MISS MY BALL.

NOW--NOW HE'S IN THE POOL. I JUST CLEANED IT.

I'VE MADE QUITE A NAME FOR MYSELF

BEHIND THE SMOOTHIE COUNTER AT FRESH SIDE MARKET & CAFE,

MOSTLY BECAUSE I'VE NAMED ALL THE SMOOTHIES AFTER ME.

(whirring loudly)

POLLY.

(loudly) NO CAN HEAR YOU, GREGGIE!

(whirring stops) I AM ON TO YOU WITH THE BLENDER.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BRINGING IN BUSINESS.

THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CAN USE THIS BLENDER TO IGNORE ME.

(whirring resumes)

(whirring stops) SORRY. I'M JUST MESSING. GO.

OKAY, WELL, I WANTED TO COME OVER HERE BECAUSE--

(whirring resumes)

(whirring stops) OKAY. WHAT?

ARE YOU GONNA?

NO.

YOU'RE MY BOSS.

THAT WOULD BE VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

OKAY--

(whirring resumes)

(whirring stops)

HE IS TRYING TO TELL YOU

THAT THE GUY WHO COMES IN HERE ALL THE TIME

SAID HE WANTS TO ASK YOU OUT.

JEWISH SUPERMAN?

(both) JEWISH SUPERMAN.

LOOK AT HIM PRETENDING TO LOOK AT THE CHEESES.

THAT MAN HAS THE BODY FAT OF HILARY SWANK.

HE'S NEVER TASTED CHEESE.

GET OVER THERE BEFORE JEWISH SUPERMAN FLIES AWAY.

UH, COVER ME.

I'M GOING IN.

SO... THURSDAY NIGHT.

I'LL PICK YOU UP.

GREAT. I WILL BE PICKED UP BY YOU.

GREAT.

(shaky voice) UH...

GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT?

I HAVE A DATE.

(squeals)

I'M BACK IN THE GAME, LADIES. NOT A LADY.

WELL, I HOPE THAT I'M THIS CUTE WHEN I'M OLD. WHAT?

I MEAN, "HEY, GIRL. (singsongy) HEY."

AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO ME, WHERE I WAS STANDING,

AND THE FACT THAT YOU KINDA SEE ME AS AN ASEXUAL BLUR.

EVERYBODY WINS. OKAY.

NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIND A BABYSITTER

WHO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY BECAUSE I MAKE SMOOTHIES FOR A LIVING.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS? (exhales) A WHOLE NIGHT?

NO, THEY'VE NEVER DONE A WHOLE NIGHT.

THEY DID DO A LONG TELEPHONE CALL ONCE.

I DID GO OUT TO GET THE PAPER.

BESIDES, NATALIE'S AFRAID OF ME DATING,

AND MY MOTHER IS INCAPABLE OF CENSORING HERSELF.

ON TOP OF THAT, I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IMPLIED

THAT SHE WAS AN UBER SLUT

AND THAT I WOULD NEVER BE LIKE HER.

AND IF I TELL HER THAT I'M GOING ON A DATE

WITH A GUY I JUST PICKED UP IN A GROCERY STORE,

I'LL LOOK LIKE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE.

SO THEN LIE TO HER, YOU KNOW?

TELL HER THAT YOUR FIRM BUT UNDERSTANDING BOSS

IS MAKING YOU GO TO A WORK-RELATED PARTY.

YOUR MOM IS HALF LOOPED MOST OF THE TIME.

I'M SURE SHE'LL BUY THAT. YEAH. I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT

OF LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS

IF YOU CAN'T USE THEM FOR UNPAID HELP?

SINCE DATES FOR SINGLE MOMS

WHO LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE NONEXISTENT, I WENT FOR IT.

SO... I NEED TO GO OUT THURSDAY. THIS THURSDAY.

GOING SOMEPLACE FUN? (gasps)

(whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA.

NO. UGH. IT'S WORK. I MEAN, IT'S A WORK-RELATED PARTY,

SO I'LL BE DRESSED UP AS IF IT'S FUN,

BUT IN REALITY, IT'S LIKE UGH. BLECH.

(singsongy) COULD BE FUN.

(whispers) CHA-CHA-CHA.

NO. NO. NO FUN. NOT EVEN ONE "CHA."

GREGG INSISTS I GO. ARGH, THE OGRE.

THE POINT IS, I'LL BE OUT, LIKE, THE WHOLE NIGHT.

CAN YOU BABYSIT?

OF COURSE WE CAN. WE'RE SEEING "LOVE, LOSS, AND WHAT I WORE."

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO CANCEL. IT'S GOT PATTY LuPONE.

SHE'S OUR GRANDDAUGHTER. WE CAN SELL THE TICKETS.

IS... THAT A "YES"?

YES. I JUST SAID "YES."

HE JUST SAID "YES."

YAY!

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE GREAT BABYSITTERS.

YOU KNOW, IN THE "NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL,

NO PEOPLE COMING OVER" KINDA WAY.

NO MARTY, NO KENNY.

HMM.

OKAY, HERE'S A LIST

OF NATALIE'S FAVORITE TV SHOWS,

AND I MADE HER DINNER, SO JUST NEEDS TO BE HEATED UP.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER?

(laughs)

I'M JOKING.

(gasps) MAX, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN I'M JOKING.

NEITHER DO I.

OKAY, SO SHE GETS HER BATH AT 7:00,

AND THEN SHE HAS TO BE IN BED BY 8:00,

AND WHEN I SAY 8:00, I MEAN 8:00,

AND WHEN I SAY BED,

I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO JUST STAY WITH HER UNTIL SHE FALLS ASLEEP.

BLECH. THIS IS ENDLESS.

OKAY, HERE ARE ALL THE MEDICINES,

BUT JUST IN CASE, OKAY?

CALL ME FIRST. DON'T OVERMEDICATE. YEAH.

(pills rattle)

OH, NOW THESE DON'T LOOK LIKE ANY FUN AT ALL.

WELL, THAT ONE DOES. IT'S BLUE.

HERE'S THE NUMBER OF THE PEDIATRICIAN. MM-HMM.

AND, UM, I'M SURE YOU WON'T NEED IT. HERE'S MY CELL NUMBER.

WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE, IDIOTS? WE HAVE YOUR CELL NUMBER.

OF COURSE. (rips paper off pad)

GIVE IT TO ME. OKAY.

WHEN YOU SAY "BATH AT 7:00," DO I JUST CHECK THE TIME...

OKAY. (laughs) I ADMIT IT. THE JOKING'S FUNNY.

MM-HMM.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SERIOUS. WAIT. DIDN'T YOU...

EVER GIVE ME A BATH?

WELL, I WORK NIGHTS. I...

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU KNOW?

I REALLY FEEL LIKE ONE OF US SHOULD REMEMBER THAT.

ONE NIGHT. NO BATH. IT'S FINE.

WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUTTING THE SCARY THING AWAY.

OH. SO THAT'S HOW WE DEAL WITH THINGS WE'RE AFRAID OF, HUH?

SEE, THIS IS WHY WE DON'T WIN WARS ANYMORE.

YOUR GENERATION DIDN'T WIN ANY WARS.

HEY, THOSE BASTARDS HAD A HEIGHT CUTOFF.

I WAS READY TO GO.

AND WATCH THE LANGUAGE AND THE CONVERSATION TOPICS.

NOTHING BELOW THE WAIST.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK TO HER ABOUT?

I MEAN, KIDS ARE BORING.

THAT'S TRUE. I MEAN, WE'RE THE FASCINATING ONES.

OKAY, SWEETIE, I'M JUST WRITING DOWN MY CELL NUMBER. SEE?

AND YOUR DAD'S.

AND LOOK, YOU DON'T NEED TO, UH, TELL GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

THAT I'M DOING THIS, BUT IF YOU EVER FEEL SCARED IN ANY WAY,

YOU JUST CALL ME, OKAY?

WHY WOULD I BE SCARED?

OH, YOU KNOW, IF YOUR GRANDPARENTS

PULL OUT A WHEEL OF BRIE, JUST CALL ME... IMMEDIATELY.

I GOTTA GO. (kisses)

(whispers) BYE.

(under breath) AND MOMMY'S A BIG SLUT.

WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT?

OH, SHE IS ON A DATE. SHE'S ON A DATE! SHE'S ON A DATE!

(Max laughs)

CHA-CHA-CHA.

(hip-hop dance music playing)

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YES. OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.

I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY NEWS REPORTS

INVOLVING SMALL CHILDREN AND OLDER CRAZY PEOPLE?

BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST THEM--

I MEAN, I DON'T TRUST THE... RECEPTION IN HERE.

IT IS WAY TOO DARK.

OKAY.

I'M SORRY. I'M SO... (laughs) I JUST...

YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DATE NEEDS?

COCKTAILS. WAITER?

UH, I-I-I DON'T KNOW. I WAS TENSE,

SO... I TOOK A DAZEDAN.

**

IT'S FINE. THOSE GO GREAT WITH COCKTAILS.

MY MOM CALLS THEM DAZEDAN-TINIS.

GIVE ME MY CROWN BACK, PRINCESS.

OH! WELL, IF WE'RE BEST FRIENDS AND PRINCESSES,

WHY DO WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME?

(laughs)

I'M A MERMAID.

OKAY, WE'RE MERMAIDS NOW. I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE PLOT.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT POLLY DIDN'T WANT US OR...

(mumbles)

TO KNOW ABOUT HER... (whispers) D-A-T-E?

OH, WHO CARES?

AS LONG AS SHE MOVES ON FROM J-U-L-I-A-N

AND I GET MY SODA BACK.

THEY'RE SO ENMESHED. THEY SHOULD VISIT A T-H-E-R-A-P-I-S-T.

VISIT "THE RAPIST"?

(exhales)

THERAPIST.

OH, I'M NOT A SPELLER. I'M A DREAMER.

IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE WE KILLING IT WITH THIS BATHTUB?

OH, WE ARE. (singsongy) BEST GRANDPARENTS EVER.

(normal voice) COME ON. BOOM.

SHE DIDN'T TRUST US TO BABYSIT.

(laughs)

YOU'VE GOT SOME GREAT MOVES!

WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THEN

WAS THAT LUKE CAN'T HOLD HIS DAZEDAN-TINIS

AS WELL AS MY MOM CAN.

(woman) * O-O-ON THE FLOOR, DANCE

AAH! BAD! BAD DOGGY SCARED ME!

NO, IT DIDN'T.

NATALIE, HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY BEEN WITH A REAL DOG?

ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THAT.

(barking) (Elaine) HI, BABY.

I'M SCARED. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YES, I AM, YOU DOODYHEAD.

I'VE ASKED YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.

I WANNA CALL MY MOMMY.

OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T, 'CAUSE YOUR MOM IS ON A DATE.

UH, ELAINE.

I MEAN A D-A-T-E.

MOMMY'S ON A DATE?

SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO A WORK PARTY.

YEAH, WELL, SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT YOU TO WORRY

ABOUT GETTING A NEW DADDY. (clenching teeth) ELAINE! ELAINE!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER THERE'S NO SANTA? THERE'S NO SANTA?!

WE ARE BLOWING THIS!

LOOK, LOOK... LOOK AT THE ADORABLE LITTLE...

LOOK, NATALIE, SEE? (baby voice) LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PUPPY.

HELLO. WHO'S THE GOOD FELLA? WHO IS THE GOOD FELLA, HUH?

(barking) AAH! (bleep)

CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! IT'S A DOG.

CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY! CALL MOMMY!

(dogs barking) WE NEED A VERY CUTE PUPPY,

AND WE NEED IT NOW.

WHO RUNS THIS JOINT?

SOMEBODY IS GONNA DRIVE YOU HOME. OH, CRAP.

IT'S MY EX-HUSBAND.

STAY HERE.

OKAY. STAY.

OH, I AM SO WASTED.

HEY! HI! WHY ARE... YOU HERE?

NATALIE CALLED. WOW, YOU LOOK HOT.

NATALIE CALLED? YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A DOG.

MAX'S DAMN DOG SCULPTURE. THAT'S IT.

I AM TAKING THE OTHER BALL.

HOW YOU DOING? TOO MUCH CHARDONNAY?

SWEETIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

HI, MOMMY. HI.

LOOK, MOMMY HAS A BOYFRIEND.

(falsetto voice) OH, A BOYFRIEND.

LUKE.

WHO TOLD HER ABOUT THE DATE?

SHE DID. I HAD NO IDEA.

WELL... NO, YOU DID.

THE WHEELS JUST CAME OFF THE EVENING.

WHO'S TO SAY WHO SAID WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD HER I WAS GETTING A BOYFRIEND.

I DIDN'T. YEAH.

I DIDN'T. I JUST SAID THAT IF YOU DID... OH, SHE DID.

IT COULD BE INCREDIBLE. SHE WOULD BE... (speaks indistinctly)

I MEAN, HOW IS SHIELDING HER FROM THE INEVITABLE

A GOOD THING? YEAH, THAT NEVER WORKS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS INSIST

ON CONFRONTING PEOPLE WITH THINGS THEY'RE AFRAID OF.

WHAT DID WE DO THAT WAS...

LIKE DOGS?

(dog yapping) RUN FOR SAFETY!

YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF DOGS!

WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?!

THAT'S IT, YOU GUYS! AAH!

(continues yapping)

POLLY, IT'S JUST A PUPPY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE BIG TO KILL!

HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A JOE PESCI MOVIE?!

(barking continues) CAN YOU MAKE IT STOP THAT?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE VIOLATION OF MY PARENTAL...

DADDY, YOUR CAR IS DRIVING ITSELF!

WOW. THAT...

(Polly shouting indistinctly)

I FORGOT MY BRICK!

HE FORGOT HIS BRICK. THAT'S MY BRICK.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! (crash)

OY.

IS THE DOG GONE? (barks)

(whines and barks)

OH! (gasps)

THERE GOES USING THE TRUCK AS COLLATERAL.

OH. I THINK I MAY NEED A DOCTOR.

OHH. (thud)

DAD, WOULD I BE COVERED UNDER YOUR INSURANCE?

LIKE MOST TERRIBLE DATES,

THIS ONE ENDED WITH A FAMILY CARAVAN.

I THINK IT'S TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE

TO USE A BRICK AS A BRAKE.

MM, ACTUALLY, I THINK TONIGHT PROVES IT'S MORE IRRESPONSIBLE

NOT TO USE ONE, RIGHT? (imitates crash)

COME ON, DAD. DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE.

OKAY, I'M NOT YOUR DAD, AND THIS MAY NOT BE MY PLACE,

JULIAN, BUT I THINK IT'S UNHEALTHY

THAT YOU'RE AROUND POLLY SO MUCH.

THERE. I SAID IT.

I'M HELPING HER SET UP HER PHONE, WHICH TAKES TIME.

MM, DOES IT? OR ARE YOU PURPOSEFULLY BREAKING IT

SO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE TO COME OVER? AH.

WHAT?

NOT CONSCIOUSLY. I DIDN'T SAY "CONSCIOUSLY."

IN--IN--IN, UH, SUBCONSCIOUSLY.

LOOK, YOU'RE DIVORCED. YOU GOTTA GET ON OUT THERE,

BANG A COLLEGE GIRL, BANG A BUNCH OF 'EM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE

TO HAVE TWO PERFECTLY WORKING BALLS?

DON'T SQUANDER 'EM.

I'M NOT SQUANDERING MY BALLS.

OKAY, THEN WHY DON'T YOU LET POLLY GO?

I NEED TO BE THERE FOR HER AND NATALIE,

BECAUSE I WASN'T BEFORE, OKAY?

NOW CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GET OFF MY BACK?

I'M NOT ON YOUR BACK.

JUST TAKING CARE OF MY FAMILY.

SO AM I.

SOMEBODY BETTER TAKE CARE OF ME, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA THROW UP AGAIN.

GO AHEAD AND VOMIT.

YEAH. IT'S YOUR CAR ANYWAY. (chuckles)

WHAT AN EXCITING EVENING.

WE SHOULD DO MORE FUN STUFF LIKE THIS.

FUN STUFF LIKE YOU COMPLETELY DISREGARDING

ALL OF MY INSTRUCTIONS?

YES.

BUT I'M NOT JUDGING IT LIKE YOU ARE. SEE?

(singsongy) I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

OH, THAT MUST BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE FOR YOU.

YOU ARE PROJECTING YOUR FEARS ONTO...

I HAVE A VERY VALID REASON TO BE AFRAID OF DOGS.

(barking and snarling)

(TV playing indistinctly) (growls and barks)

I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S MY FAULT THAT

THAT DOG TURNED OUT TO HAVE HEREDITARY INSANITY.

THE DOG'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.

YOU NEED TO PULL IT BACK. YOU KNOW?

YOU NEED TO ACT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

I WANT THEM TO WATCH. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ABOUT ME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY Y DON'T WANNA WATCH.

I'M SO DELIGHTFUL.

YOU ARE. IT'S JUST...

I'M SCARED NATALIE WILL TURN OUT LIKE ME, OKAY?

I MEAN, I'M A DIVORCED WOMAN

LIVING WITH HER PARENTS.

THERE ARE SO MANY CHOICES I MAKE EVERY DAY

THAT COULD SCREW NATALIE UP,

AND I WON'T KNOW WHICH ONE WAS BAD

UNTIL SHE'S GROWN UP AND MAD AT ME.

NOT EVEN THEN.

PFFT.

LOOK, YOU ARE... FANTASTIC.

I MEAN, YOU ARE THIS GREAT MOM.

YOU'RE VERY THIN.

(laughs)

AND EVEN THOUGH I HAD YOU WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG,

YOU'RE STILL THE BEST THING I EVER DID.

AND I ONCE HAD SEX WITH A CHICAGO BULL.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHICH ONE BECAUSE...

I DON'T REMEMBER, BUT IT WAS A GOOD ONE.

(laughs)

YEAH, HERE IT IS.

I'M SO SORRY TO DRAG YOU INTO THIS.

NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT.

(laughs)

I AM GLAD THAT I COULD BE THERE FOR YOU.

HEY, ROCK STAR. YEAH.

COME ON. WHAT'S YOUR CODE?

UH... IT'S MY SOBRIETY DATE, WHICH...

(grunts and coughs) (scoffs)

HERE. HOLD HIM.

IF ONLY WE COULD FIND A WAY OF BREAKING THAT GLASS.

(grunts) LIFE HAMMER.

OH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T BREAK IT. DON'T BREAK--

(glass shatters, alarm wailing) OH.

OKAY, WE GOTTA GO, WE GOTTA GO. WE GOTTA GO.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH HIM?

LEAVE HIM. LEAVE HIM. PUT HIM AGAINST THE WALL.

PUT HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL. HERE WE GO.

OKAY. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU GONNA KISS HIM GOOD NIGHT?

(laughs)

SO I'VE TAKEN MY FIRST STEP FORWARD,

AND IT WASN'T AS FRIGHTENING AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

AND I'D LIKE TO THANK MY INSANE FAMILY

FOR HELPING ME THROUGH IT.

(bottles clink) I'D LIKE TO THANK MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN

FOR HAVING A GOOD HEART,

WHICH ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HIM HAVING EXTREMELY BAD CREDIT.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY STEPFATHER MAX.

I WASN'T HAPPY WHEN HE SHOWED UP IN MY LIFE,

BUT I'M HAPPY HE STAYED...

OR AT LEAST... MOST OF HIM STAYED.

(Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros) * HOLY MOLY

* ME, OH, MY, YOU'RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE *

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY DAUGHTER FOR MAKING ME BRAVE.

I SWEAR SHE SAID SHE WAS AFRAID OF DOGS.

NOW SHE'S JUST MAKING ME LOOK BAD.

* TO NOTHINGNESS

* THERE AIN'T NOTHING THAT I... *

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY BED.

YEAH, IT WAS ME WHO WAS AFRAID TO SLEEP ALONE,

BUT YOU PROBABLY FIGURED THAT OUT ALREADY.

(switch clicks)

* JEEZ, YOU'RE SOMETHING TO SEE *

* UH-HUH

LASTLY, I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MOM FOR BEING A ROMANTIC

AND A DREAMER AND APPARENTLY A CHICAGO BULLS FAN.

IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID?

IT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT.

* WITH YOU (door closes)

(Max grunts)

(strained voice) DO IT.

(panting)

GROSS!

(moans)

HEY, POLLY.

20 MINUTES, MAX. I PROMISE.

(exhaling)

I WONDER IF THEY HAVE Wi-Fi AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER.

UGH.

* COMING HOME