Original subtitles

Narrator: TONIGHT ON "HOT PACKAGE"... OUCH!

Beckles: "DADDY CAN'T DANCE" DANCED ITS WAY

INTO NORTH AMERICA 6.5 YEARS AGO.

WE TAKE A SPECIAL LOOK BACK.

Narrator: THEN THE BIZ PIT IS BACK

WITH ALL THE BIZ BUZZ WORTH NOTING.

PLUS, THE BUFF BOYZ HAVE ACCESSED HOLOGRAM MARK'S DISK

AND UPDATED HIS HELICAL CONSCIOUSNESS PROGRAM.

THIS IS IT -- IT'S THE "RISING STAR SCREEN TEST" FINALE.

WHO WILL WIN $40,000?

Beckles: THEN HEIDI FLEISS HELPS ME UNDERSTAND

EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO IN CASE THERE'S A SCANDAL.

THEY ASKED ME IF I HAD KIDS,

AND I SAID, "THANK GOD FOR ABORTION."

HEY, SPEAKING OF SCANDALS, WHAT DO YOU GUYS PREFER --

JUICY SCANDAL OR A SENSIBLE SCANDAL?

[ CLAPPING ]

ALL RIGHT! LET'S GET INSIDE!

Narrator: YOU'RE WATCHING "HOT PACKAGE" --

THE ONE AND ONLY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS PROGRAM

WITH A HOLOGRAM CO-HOST.

WELCOME BACK, NORTH AMERICA.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

I'M ANASTASIA ROARK.

BUDDY MEMORIES.

I'M MARK McGRATH. HELP ME!

[ CHUCKLES ] EXACTLY. DONE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S ONLY BEEN 6.5 YEARS

SINCE "DADDY CAN'T DANCE" BLEW MOVIEGOERS MINDS?

HELP ME!

Beckles: WRITER, DIRECTOR, ACTOR, AND -- DON'T FORGET -- DANCER,

PETE VINAL'S AT IT AGAIN.

FROM OUR SHARED TEARS...

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ICE CREAM TOGETHER.

WHAT ABOUT THAT, PAT? WHAT ABOUT THAT FRICKIN' PATTON?

YOU BETTER COME BACK, THEN.

...TO OUR LAUGH-OUT-LOUD LAUGHTER.

GOOD MORNING. MORNING.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF INFORMATION

FOR YOU THIS MORNING.

WHAT, ON [deep voice] HOW TO SMOKE A CIGARETTE

IN THREE EASY COUGHS?

[ COUGHS THREE TIMES ]

[ High-pitched voice ] "THE SMOKING SECRETARY"

BY THE PUFFING FREAK. [ PUFF QUICKLY ]

I DON'T SMOKE!

I CANNOT BELIEVE -- STOP!

[ Laughing ] GOLLY!

"DADDY CAN'T DANCE" DELIVERED

AND IT MADE AMERICA THINK...

I'M THE ILLEST. I'M THE BEST.

SOUND LIKE YOU'RE CONFUSED TO ME.

ILLEST, BEST?

...AND AMERICA THOUGHT ALL THE WAY TO THE BOX OFFICE,

INTO THEIR SEATS, AND BACK ONTO THE STREETS.

Weaver: SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU

WHEN YOU'RE COMPETING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

IT'S ADRENALINE...OR LOVE.

IT TAKES OVER EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BODY.

YOU HAVE TO WIN, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

Beckles: MAKING "DADDY CAN'T DANCE"

THE TOP-GROSSING SUCCESS AMONG BREAK-DANCING FATHERS

WHO HAVE FACED ADVERSITY TO WIN $40,000

FOR THEIR DAUGHTER'S OPERATION.

UGH!

I LOVE THAT MOVIE -- SERIOUSLY. ALL RIGHT.

AS A SPECIAL TREAT, TWO OF THE STARS OF "DADDY CAN'T DANCE" --

DIRECTOR-DANCER PETE VINAL AND THYM "WHITE GLOVES" KENNEDY --

CAN'T BE HERE WITH ME TODAY.

BUT, INSTEAD, I HAVE ANOTHER MAN

WHO SHARES MY PASSION FOR "DADDY CAN'T DANCE."

Narrator: MEDICALLY MANIPULATED MIRACLE,

A HUMAN KEN DOLL -- JUSTIN JEDLICA.

IT WAS A GREAT MOVIE. Beckles: YEAH, RIGHT?

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE MOVIE IS THE WHOLE IDEA

ABOUT A FATHER TRYING TO, LIKE, HAVE...

HE NEEDS TO SORT OF PICK UP HIS LIFE

THAT WAS REALLY FALLING APART.

THE WHOLE IDEA OF, LIKE, A FATHER TRYING...

THE WIFE THAT WAS PISSED OFF AT HIM, THE DAUGHTER THAT WAS SICK,

HE'D JUST LOST HIS FATHER, SO...

I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

I THINK MY FAVORITE THING

WAS THE "GONE WITH THE WIND" FABULOUS TURN,

WHEN HE RUNS AFTER HIS DYING FATHER IN THE HOSPITAL.

WOW. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT TO WRAP THIS UP,

BUT LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BODY

THAT TOOK A LOOK AT "DADDY CAN'T DANCE."

[ CHUCKLES ] LOOK AT THAT.

WHERE AM I?

WHAT DID YOU HAVE DONE, EXACTLY?

CAN'T FEEL MY HEART BEAT.

PECS, UH, BUTTOCKS...

TONS ON MY FACE HAD TO BE DONE.

WOW.

[ ALARMS BLARING ]

GUYS, GUYS, WHAT DO WE GOT?

GOT A GUY IN NEW YORK.

VERY NICE. DOING WHAT?

* HE'S CRYING

HEY, DON'T DO THAT. OKAY.

JUST GIVE ME YOUR LINES STRAIGHT.

DON'T [BLEEP] SING. OKAY.

I LIVE HERE. I LIVE HERE.

AND [SNIFFLES] I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL HERE.

[ Voice breaking ] AND I JUST DON'T -- I CAN'T BELIEVE

ANYBODY'D WANT TO CLOSE THIS DAMN THING DOWN.

AND I'M A CARPENTER. I-I COULDN'T -- AH, SHIT.

WHAT ELSE WE GOT? WHAT ELSE?

WE GOT DERRICK...

NICE.

...TAKING TAPES... WHAT?!

...OVER TO, UH...L.A. SHRED,

AN L.A.-BASED TAPE-SHREDDING FACILITY...

JEFF. ...IN LOS ANGELES.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JEFF?

I MEAN, WE HAVE DERRICK LAST NIGHT

TAKING VIDEOTAPES...

I HEARD YOU, JEFF. WHERE ARE MY TAPES?

UH, THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA AIR 'EM.

JEFF, LISTEN TO ME.

WHO SAID THEY'RE GONNA AIR THOSE TAPES?

Narrator: WHAT'S DERRICK HIDING?

WHAT IS ON HIS TAPE?

UM...OKAY.

WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL TWO

IN "HOT PACKAGE'S RISING STAR SCREEN TEST"...

HELP ME!

Beckles: AND NOW THE ORIGINAL CLASSIC SCENE

FROM MY MARVELOUS MOVIE COLLECTION

FOR THE FINAL BATTLE...

OH, CHARLIE -- WHAT ARE YOU,

TRYING TO SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME?

WHAT'S THE DEAL, BOY? I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S THE DEAL, BOY?

AND TELL IT TO ME STRAIGHT, OR HE GON' TEAR YOU APART.

OOH.

Narrator: AND NOW THE FINAL BATTLE -- SCREEN TEST.

OH, CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME?

WHAT'S THE DEAL, BOY? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT IS IT, BOY?

AND YOU BETTER TELL ME STRAIGHT,

OR HE'S GONNA RIP YOU A NEW ASS!

[ SMOOCHES ]

WHO WILL WIN $40,000? [ BELL DINGS ]

SCANDAL AT "HOT PACKAGE"... WHAT'S ON THE TAPE?

Narrator: WE TAKE A PEEK AT THE POTENTIAL POSSIBILITIES...

POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY...

...POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY...

...ANOTHER POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY.

[BLEEP] W-WHAT'S ON DERRICK'S TAPE?

Roark: AND NOW, DERRICK BECKLES,

OUR INSPECTOR OF INQUIRIES AND THE PHARAOH OF FACTS,

WITH A "ONES ON ONE."

Beckles: SHE'S BEST KNOWN FOR DOING TIME

AFTER HER HIGH-CLASS HOLLYWOOD PROSTITUTION RING WAS SHUT DOWN.

BUT NOW SHE'S ON "HP" OPENING UP

ABOUT LESBIANS, POT, DILDOS, AND SCANDALS.

THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S MY PAL, HEIDI FLEISS.

ANY ADVICE FOR SCANDALS

OR ANYONE WHO'S GONNA BE IN A SCANDAL?

I THINK IF YOU'RE INVOLVED IN A SCANDAL,

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY TRY AND AVOID PRISON.

THAT WOULD BE MY FIRST SUGGESTIONS.

AND, GIRLS, IF A GUY COMES IN YOUR HAIR, JUST LEAVE IT.

WHEN THEY SAY, "HERE, WANT A TOWEL?"

SAY, "NO, I'M OKAY."

DO YOU THINK O.J.'s SCANDAL

TOOK THE LIMELIGHT AWAY FROM YOUR SCANDAL?

ARE YOU KIDDING? HE CUT OFF HIS WIFE'S HEAD.

[ CHUCKLES ] HOW CAN YOU COMPARE THAT?

AND WHO EXACTLY WAS ORDERING "IN"

OFF OF HEIDI'S TAKEOUT MENU?

I HAD A BILLIONAIRE GUY, NO NAMES MENTIONED,

WHO, HE WOULD HAVE A FEW GIRLS,

AND ONE WOULD DRESS UP AND BE THE DILDO SALESWOMAN

WITH A BRIEFCASE AND KNOCK UP

LIKE SHE'S SELLING WATCHES OR TUPPERWARE

AND BE JUST YOUR LOCAL DILDO SALESWOMAN.

I JUST CARED ABOUT MY MONEY.

THAT'S THE PART I CARED ABOUT.

SPEAK OF THE DILDO, ANY LESBIAN STORIES?

OH, I WAS GROWING MARIJUANA LEGALLY

WITH THESE LESBIANS IN TEMECULA, AND THEY SCREWED ME OVER.

AND I HAD MY HOUSEKEEPER WHO HELPS WITH MY BIRDS,

AND HERE SHE WAS, LIKE, FILTERING THEM INFORMATION

OR, LIKE, WHERE I'M GONNA BE.

YOU CANNOT TRUST TEMECULA LESBIANS.

OH, NO. I MET THEM IN PRISON. OF COURSE NOT.

SO, I PLANTED A GOOD CROP.

DONKEYS -- WILD DONKEYS CAME AND WIPED ME OUT.

SO, I PLANTED ANOTHER CROP, AND SOME OFFICER COMES TO MY HOUSE,

AND I JUST WALK STRAIGHT AHEAD, AND I HEAR ONE OF THEM BE LIKE,

"HEY, HEY, MS. FLEISS!" OR WHATEVER, "COME OVER HERE!"

AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

HEIDI'S CHARM AND BEAUTY ARE STILL ARRESTING.

I NEVER WOULD KILL A COP.

IN FACT, IF I HAD KNOWN HER BACK THEN,

THEY WOULD HAVE THROWN AWAY THE KEYS AND CALLED ME "JOHN."

Narrator: DERRICK'S SCANDAL. WHAT IS ON HIS TAPE?

HERE'S JEFF DEANE TURNER WITH THE EXCLUSIVE LIVE LOOK.

HERE'S THE TAPE.

WARNING -- THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU SAY "MAMMA MIA!"

WHAT MORE DO THEY HAVE TO SAY?

ROMANCE IS ALL THEY NEED, RIGHT?

WRONG. IT'S NOT...

[ ALARM BLARING ]

THIS HAS BEEN A SCANDAL SIMULATION.

THERE WAS NO TAPE, NO SCANDAL.

I WANT TO THANK JEFF DEANE TURNER

FOR COMING UP WITH THE IDEA.

VIBRATORS, DILDOS -- I'M FASCINATED WITH DILDOS.

HOLY COW.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YES. PEOPLE LOVE A SCANDAL, EVEN IF THERE ISN'T ONE.

NO, I DON'T THINK... ALL THE SHOWS ARE DOING IT.

YOU CAN TRY IT AT HOME, AND, PLEASE, IF YOU DO, SEND US YOUR TAPE.

SEX TOYS. NOW, WHAT ABOUT ANAL SEX?

I MEAN, IS ANAL SEX SOMETHING THAT JUST SHOULD -- MM!

[ CLICKS ] * HE-E-EY!

OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

I THINK I SMELL AN A-LISTER.

SAY WHAT?!

Narrator: THIS IS IT.

IT'S THE "RISING STAR SCREEN TEST" FINALE.

THIS IS A BADGE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! [ YELLS ]

WINNER -- DIVISION 1.

DO I LOOK SICK TO YOU?

WHO IS THIS FRUITCAKE THAT CAME IN HERE FOR ME?

THAT'S THE MAIN QUESTION.

WINNER -- DIVISION 2.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME?

WHAT'S THE DEAL, BOY?! THIS IS IT.

WHO WILL WIN?

INCREDIBLE.

OKAY, THE WINNER IS...

[ DRUMROLL ]

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

ROD... I NEVER WANTED TO BE A HOLOGRAM.

...IVES! KILL ME. KILL ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ GUNFIRE ]

SAID HE WANTS TO BE MY HOLOGRAM CO-HOST

FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

[ Echoing ] IF I WAS A HOLOGRAM, I'D BE IN HELL.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

[ DING! ]

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A HOLOGRAM!

[ SIGHS ] I-I DIDN'T KNOW.

DUDE, I TOLD YOU I'D BE IN HELL.

[ SOBBING ]

I TOLD YOU! [ SNIFFLES ]

[ SIGHS ] PLEASE UN-GRAM ME, BRO.

UN-GRAM ME, BRO.

[ SOBBING ]

BYE, PAL.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] [ SCREAMS ]

GOODBYE!

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

OW! THAT HURTS!

OW! BYE-BYE.

OW!

THAT HURTS!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ SOBS ]

[ SNIFFLES ]