Original subtitles

Beckles: TONIGHT ON HOT PACKAGE...

Roark: THE H.E.A.T. IS ON!

THE FABIO-LOUS STAR

OF "ACAPULCO HEMISPHERE EMERGENCY ACTION TEAM"

CHILLS ON OUR HP STAGE.

Beckles: AND ONLY HP HAS HIS EXCLUSIVE ON-SET PHOTOS.

Weaver: FABIO'S PHOTOS!

WE SALUTE CLASSIC TINSELTOWN HEROES

AND SHARE SOME LAUGHS ALONG THE WAY.

WELL, I CAN'T RETELL 'EM!

AND...

I SIT DOWN WITH MY MAIN MAN AND LEGENDARY FILMMAKER

KENNETH ANGER.

I REALLY HAVE A NOSTALGIA FOR GOOD ACID.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Beckles: AND, PLUS...

Roark: HP SCREEN TEST COMPETITION CONTINUES.

Weaver: WHO WILL WIN TONIGHT'S SEMIFINALS?

THIS IS BULLSHIT! Roark: PLUS...

Weaver: HOLOGRAM MARK IS BACK,

AND THE BUFF BOYZ HAVE HIM WORKING BETTER THAN EVER.

Roark: PLUS...

A JENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

Weaver: WATCH JENNY THINK ABOUT HOTTIES.

WHEN YOU HEAR JENNY SAY... DING!

Weaver: ...HE'S A HOTTIE.

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

Beckles: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET INSIDE.

Weaver: YOU'RE WATCHING "HOT PACKAGE," THE ONE AND ONLY

ENTERTAINMENT-NEWS PROGRAM WITH A HOLOGRAM CO-HOST.

WELCOME BACK TO "HOT PACKAGE."

I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

I'M ANASTAS-- I'M HOLOGRAM MARK.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 17 YEARS

SINCE "ACAPULCO HEMISPHERE EMERGENCY ACTION TEAM'S"

CURTAIN CALL?

A FINAL BOW WHICH LEFT A LOT OF FANS OUT IN THE ACAPULCO COLD.

YES. ACAPULCO. SO COLD.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND NOW, RUMORS ARE REACH--

NOW RUMORS ARE REACHING CRITICAL MASS.

ABOUT AN "ACAPULCO H.E.A.T." REUNION,

AND WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

YEAH.

YES, TEMPERATURE.

THE GREAT THING ABOUT "ACAPULCO H.E.A.T."

IS THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE,

WHETHER IT WAS BIKINI BABES, PHONES, FABIO, THE ACTING,

THE ACTION, HIGH-TECH GADGETS FOR THE GUYS,

ROMANTIC SUBPLOTS FOR THE LADIES,

THE HOFF, KILLINGS,

MURDERS, DEATH,

COMPUTERS, WOMEN, BABES, ASSES,

OR THE REST OF THE CAST,

EVERYONE HAD SOMETHING THEY ENJOYED.

ALL RIGHT.

AND IF YOU'RE GETTING HOT, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ALL HEAT

FROM THIS CLASSIC, GROUNDBREAKING MASTERPIECE.

ONE CLICK, OR YOU ALL TACKLE ME.

PLEASE, CALM DOWN. EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL, I ASSURE YOU.

[ LAUGHS ] CLASSIC.

IT'S A GREAT ROLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

Roark: AND NOW... Jenny: A JENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

Weaver: WHEN YOU HEAR JENNY SAY... DING!

HE'S A... HOTTIE.

[ SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ CRYING ]

[ DING! ] DING!

Weaver: COMING UP --

OUR SALUTE TO CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD HEROES.

WHO WILL WIN TONIGHT'S RISING STAR SCREEN TEST?

Roark: AND NOW...

Weaver: TIME FOR FABIO'S FOTOS.

FABIO, MY MAN.

DERRICK.

HEY. HEY, MAN.

THANKS FOR COMING BACK AND JOINING US.

GREAT. GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN.

[ BOTH SMOOCH ] WELCOME BACK. THANK YOU. THANKS.

SO, WHAT'S THE TEMPERATURE ON THE H.E.A.T.?

I HEAR WE HAVE SOMETHING.

OH, MAN. HOLY MACKEREL.

I-I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

UM...

COME ON, FABIO.

THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.

MAYBE -- MAYBE IT'S HERE.

DERRICK, I PROMISE, WHEN YOU SEE THIS PICTURE...

YEAH. YEAH.

...OH, MY GOD. [ LAUGHS ]

[ SMOOCHES ] OH, BABY.

OOH, I CANNOT WAIT.

I'M TELLING YOU. OKAY.

IT'S, UH --

I THINK I'M GONNA GO BACK AND LOOK OVER HERE.

GONNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME.

LET'S GIVE FABIO SOME TIME.

HE'S GONNA FIND HIS PICTURE. IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

I CANNOT WAIT.

SO, STAY TUNED.

Weaver: FABIO'S FOTOS. Roark: AND NOW...

AND NOW, OUR ROMEO OF RUMORS, DERRICK BECKLES,

TICKLES US WITH GOSSIP AND GABS ABOUT SATANIC HOLLYWOOD.

IT'S TIME FOR "ONES ON ONE."

Beckley: HE'S THE GURU OF SALACIOUS GOSSIP

WHO WROTE "HOLLYWOOD BABYLON."

HE'S INSPIRED MARTIN SCORSESE,

HAS "LUCIFER" TATTOOED ON HIS CHEST,

AND COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM.

I SAT DOWN WITH KENNETH ANGER, AND I WISH NEVER ENDED.

IS HOLLYWOOD A SATANIC PLACE?

WELL, THE WHOLE THING CAN BE CONSIDERED

KIND OF A HELLISH SCAM...

like Scientology.

WHOA! CAN YOU SAY THAT ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY?

I -- I'LL SAY IT. IF YOU WANT TO CUT IT, YOU CAN CUT IT.

[ CHUCKLES ] SINCE I'M HALF SCIENTOLOGIST ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE,

I HAD TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT,

SO I ASKED KENNETH ABOUT ONE OF HIS MOST MACHO MOVIES,

"SCORPIO RISING."

THE FELLOWS THAT WERE IN IT,

THEY HAD THEIR OWN MOTORCYCLE CLUB,

AND THEY WERE ALL STRAIGHT.

AND THE WAY I FILMED IT,

THEY LOOK, MAYBE, GAY, OR QUEER, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

AND THEY HAD GIRLFRIENDS DURING THE FILMING,

BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE FILMED,

AND SO THE GIRLFRIENDS ARE ALL SITTING ON THE SIDELINES,

GIGGLING A LOT.

I NEVER SHOWED THEM THE FILM AFTER IT WAS DONE,

AND SO I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'VE SEEN IT

OR WHETHER THEY WANT TO KILL ME OR WHAT. [ CHUCKLES ]

AND, SPEAKING OF BEING MURDERED, THAT REMINDED ME...

YOU HAVE A GREAT DILDO STORY.

WHAT'S THAT ONE ABOUT?

RAMON NOVARRO BECAME SEXUALLY OBSESSED WITH YOUNG MEN

AND INVITED TWO BROTHERS OVER --

NOT A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE TWO CAN CONSPIRE AGAINST YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, HE WAS MURDERED WITH A DILDO STUCK DOWN HIS THROAT.

HOW ABOUT SOME HARD-TO-SWALLOW WALT DISNEY GOSSIP?

THERE'S THIS STORY THAT HE'S NOT REALLY BURIED,

HE'S, LIKE, FROZEN AND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO, YOU KNOW,

PUT SOME ELECTRICITY IN, LIKE IN "FRANKENSTEIN,"

AND BRING HIM BACK.

AND WHAT ABOUT BEING PART OF KINSEY'S SEX-PERIMENT?

HE WANTED TO SEE IF MY TOES CURLED

BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH MEN DON'T REMEMBER IT,

WHEN THEY HAVE AN ORGASM, THEIR TOES CURL.

WERE YOU MASTURBATING, OR --

WELL, YEAH.

HE WATCHED ME THROUGH A PEEPHOLE.

TURNED OUT THAT MY TOES DO CURL.

AND MY TOES CURLED TOO

AFTER TALKING TO THIS HOLLYWOOD LEGEND.

HEY, DID YOU GUYS LIKE THAT INTERVIEW?

[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT!

DO YOU LIKE WATCHING ME THINK?

Weaver: WHEN YOU HEAR JENNY SAY... DING!

HE'S A... HOTTIE.

[ PUNK MUSIC PLAYING ]

YOU WANT TO PLAY?

[ DING! ] DING!

[ SCREAMING ]

LET'S CHECK BACK INTO THE BIZ PIT

FOR THE EXCLUSIVE FABIO-LOUS UPDATE.

NOPE. [ SIGHS ] NOPE.

NICE BREASTS, HUH? [ LAUGHS ]

WHOO!

[ CHUCKLES ] IT'S NOT ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOPE. NOPE. I WISH.

THIS IS THE WRONG BOX.

THIS IS... YES, THIS IS THE WRONG BOX.

[ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW. I...

OH.

YEAH. [ SIGHS ]

THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE. DO YOU WANT TO...

UH, YEAH, CAN YOU HOLD IT FOR A SECOND BACK HERE? YEAH. SURE.

JEN, UH, DID YOU SEE A BOX WITH SOME OF MY PICTURES?

I KNOW IT WAS IN THE OFFICE.

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

ARE YOU SURE? POSITIVELY.

I -- [ SIGHS ] ANYBODY HELP FABIO BRING IN BOXES AT ALL TODAY?

NO?

THERE WERE A LOT OF PHOTOS IN THAT BOX.

I -- I KNOW -- LISTEN, I KNOW I HAVE IT, OKAY? PLEASE... AND...?

THIS HAPPENS. PLEASE, PLEASE, IT'S VERY FRUSTRATING.

Weaver: FABIO'S FOTOS. Roark: AND NOW...

WELL, I CAN'T RETELL 'EM! Beckley: [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S TIME TO SALUTE OUR FAVORITE HOLLYWOOD HEROES.

HELP! HELP! REMEMBER THIS ONE?

SHIRLEY TEMPLE GOT HERSELF INTO SOME HOT WATER -- LITERALLY.

AND THESE LITTLE FELLAS --

THEY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HOW SHE TASTED.

BUT THEY KEPT LOOKING AND COOKING

AND REALIZED ALL SHE NEEDED WAS A LITTLE SALT.

WELL, IT'S THAT PERSISTENCE THAT MAKES THEM MY HOLLYWOOD HEROES.

AND JOINING ME TONIGHT IN BLACK AND WHITE...

[ GONG CRASHES ] HEY, DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME.

...ORIENTAL ARTIST... Weaver: ...DAVID CHOE,

CELEBRATING HIS FAVORITE HOLLYWOOD HEROES...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL HIM.

...WOMEN IN THE WORKFORCE.

HE SAYS TO REMIND YOU THAT THE CHINAMAN'S NAME IS WONG.

[ Shakily ] AH, LET ME OUT!

Beckley: CELEBRITY SPECIALIST AND CREATURE OF THE NIGHT...

Weaver: ...DRAC DEANE TURNER...

Beckley: CELEBRATING HIS HOLLYWOOD HERO...

AND THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A VAMPIRE.

Weaver: ...TEEN DRACULAS. WE TERRORIZE LITTLE CHILDREN.

IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

HEY, GUYS, GUESS WHO I AM.

UGH.

Weaver: OH, SHIT!

[ ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS ]

[ Rapping ] * SOUTHTOWN WRECKERS

* WE'RE IN THE CLUB HEY, GUYS.

* I'M EASY MONEY

* BUCKWILD * EASY MONEY STUNNAZ ON

[ LOW PULSING TONE ] * HIT UP -- I'M GOING DUMB, GOING CRAZY *

* WE CAN HAVE A BALL

* I WANT IT ALL

[ SILENCE ]

[ SIREN WAILS ]

Weaver: RISING STAR ALERT.

LET'S MEET OUR SEMIFINALISTS.

Beckley: I DUG THROUGH MY MARVELOUS HOLLYWOOD-MOVIE COLLECTION

TO PAIR THE PERFECT SCENE WITH THE PERFECT ACTORS...

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

Beckley: ...THAT MAKE THE BEST DECISION POSSIBLE.

Weaver: TONIGHT, GEORGE THIBAULT VERSUS JOHN PEREZ

FOR A SHOT AT $40,000

IN THE "HOT PACKAGE" RISING STAR SCREEN TEST SEMIFINALS.

AND NOW THE ORIGINAL CLASSIC SCENE. JACK, WHAT THE WORLD YOU DOING HERE?!

I'M COMING TO WORK. I STILL WORK HERE, DON'T I?

WELL, SOME OTHER GUY CAME IN AND SAID YOU WAS SICK.

DO I LOOK SICK TO YOU?

WHO IS THIS FRUITCAKE THAT CAME IN HERE FOR ME?

I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S THE MAIN QUESTION.

HOLD ON. I'LL CHECK.

I'VE WORKED HERE FOR 20 YEARS.

YOU HEAR ME? 20 YEARS!

AND NOW THE SCREEN TEST.

JACK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

I'M COMING TO WORK.

I STILL WORK HERE, DON'T I?

SOME OTHER GUY CAME IN AND SAID YOU WERE SICK, MY MAN.

DO I LOOK SICK TO YOU?

WHO IS THIS FRUITCAKE THAT CAME IN HERE FOR ME?

THAT'S THE MAIN QUESTION.

LET ME CALL. I'LL CHECK.

WHO SAID --

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN!

[ SIGHS ] OH, MAN...

FIND OUT LATER WHO WON THE SEMIFINALS

AND WILL GO ON TO ACT MORE.

MAN. HOW MUCH HARDER CAN THIS DECISION GET?

I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL A-LISTERS TO ME,

BUT ONLY ONE OF THEM CAN BE A-LISTERS FOR ALL OF US.

[ LAUGHS ]

SOMEBODY, KILL ME.

CLASSIC.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, NORTH AMERICA,

AND THANKS FOR LETTING US

BE HOLLYWOOD HEROES FOR ALL OF YOU.

I'M STILL THINKING!

THIS IS FOR JENNY. [ DING! ] HOTTIE.

I DIDN'T DO IT! [ DING! ] HOTTIE.

[ DING! DING! ] HOTTIE, HOTTIE.

[ DING! ] HOTTIE.

[ DING! ] A HUNK SO NICE,

I THOUGHT OF HIM TWICE.

[ LOW PULSING TONE ]

COME ON, FABIO!

AAH!

AAH!

OKAY, MARK.

DON'T FLIP YOUR WIG, BUT IT'S GETTING LATE.

YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED. I WANT TO GO HOME.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I --

I COME BACK TOMORROW AND LOOK FOR SOME MORE.

FABIO...

YOU WILL STAY AND SEARCH.

[BLEEP]

Weaver: FABIO'S FOTOS.