Original subtitles

Narrator: TONIGHT ON "HOT PACKAGE"...

OUCH!

Beckles: SUCCESSFUL! THE "HOT PACKAGE SUCCESS AWARDS!"

Roark: ONLY OUR CAMERAS WERE THERE

TO GIVE YOU THE EXCLUSIVE INSIDE PEEK.

AAH! Beckles: I SIT DOWN WITH BARBER

AND ALT COMEDY SUPERSTAR TEDDY BOY GREG.

PIZZA!

Roark: PLUS, THEN PLUS...

Narrator: HOLOGRAM MARK IS BACK,

AND THE BUFF BOYZ HAVE HIM WORKING BETTER THAN EVER.

McGrath: FINALLY WORKING PROPERLY.

Man: YEP.

Beckles: AND THEN...

Narrator: THE "HP" SCREEN TEST COMPETITION CONTINUES.

WHO WILL WIN TONIGHT'S SEMIFINALS?

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

* WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW?

* CAN'T FIND MY WAY

Beckles: PLUS, A "SUCCESS AWARD" DUET YOU WON'T FORGET.

UGH.

Narrator: WHICH MAJOR CELEB TAKES ON THE BIZ PIT?

WOW!

LET'S GET INSIDE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Narrator: YOU'RE WATCHING "HOT PACKAGE,"

THE ONE AND ONLY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS PROGRAM

WITH A HOLOGRAM CO-HOST.

WELCOME BACK, NORTH AMERICA.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES, AND I'M HERE WITH MY MAIN MAN

HOLOGRAM MARK.

HEY, EVERYONE! Man: YES.

AND NOW IT'S --

WELL, THE WORLD'S A-BUZZIN'

ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S "HP SUCCESS AWARDS,"

INCLUDING YOURS TRULY.

A LITTLE WORSE FOR THE WEAR, BUT I'LL SOLDIER ON.

LET'S GET STARTED.

SO -- SORRY. AND NOW --

MY BAD. [ BOTH LAUGH ]

WELL, IF LAST WEEKEND'S BOX-OFFICE TALLY

IS ANY INDICATION,

SUCCESS AWARD NOMINEE "QUIGLEY" FAILED...

TO LET ANYONE DOWN.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

WHOA!

WHOA!

Man: WHOA!

[ SKIPPING LAUGHS ]

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

Greg: COMING UP...

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.

NO ONE WILL KNOW.

I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR GAMES.

H-H-HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY GAMES?

LOOK, EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT

WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR NEW VIDEO GAME.

THESE GAMES ARE THE BEST WE'VE EVER SEEN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE LIKE THESE?

SEVERAL UNFINISHED ONES.

YOU GOT TO TRUST YOUR FRIENDS. AND WOMEN ARE LIKE DOGS.

JUST SHAKE YOURSELF DRY.

AND I GOT TO SAY CUJOS TO ALL THOSE INVOLVED

IN MAKING THIS MOVIE,

FOR ALL THOSE INVOLVED IN WANTING TO LAUGH.

[ REPEATING LAUGH ]

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

Roark: AND NOW...

Narrator: THE RUNDOWN FROM LAST NIGHT'S

8th ANNUAL "HOT PACKAGE SUCCESS AWARDS."

* A PLUS-SIZE, B-SIDE MODEL LIKE YOU *

WHOO!

* I NEED A BBW

WHOO!

* I NEED A BBW, YEAH

* OOH-OOH, OHH

STAY TUNED FOR MORE SUCCESSES.

WHAT A NIGHT IT WAS, AND THAT'S JUST THE START.

IS THAT YOU, DERRICK?

Roark: COMING UP...

IT STEPPED UP THE PARTY, IT WAS BRILLIANT,

AND I ADORED IT.

THE DANCERS WERE UNBELIEVABLE. MATTER OF FACT,

WE SHOULD BRING THEM RIGHT BACK ON AGAIN AND HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

I THINK IT'S SUPER.

I THINK IT WAS FABULOUS. FABULOUS, FABULOUS, FABULOUS.

AND NOW DERRICK BECKLES WITH A "ONES ON ONE."

Beckles: HE'S NOT JUST A BARBER.

HE'S ALSO ONE OF L.A.'s TOP ALT COMICS.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT TEDDY BOY GREG.

AND BEFORE WE COULD EVEN START THE INTERVIEW,

HE TOOK A LITTLE OFF HIS TOP.

WHEN I WATCH YOUR VIDEOS, I JUST THINK,

"HOW DOES HE GET ALL OF THIS DONE?"

WHAT'S YOUR PROCESS?

I JUST FILM STUFF JUST ON A WHIM.

I'LL JUST SAY, "WELL, [BLEEP] IT."

ARE YOU READY FOR THE A-LIST?

WHAT'S THE A-LIST?

BEING A STAR. YEAH, I'M READY.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL [BLEEP] TMZ

AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE INTERVIEWING ME.

"TEDDY BOY GREG'S SMOKING A CIGARETTE OUTSIDE 7-ELEVEN.

HE JUST TOLD ME TO SUCK HIS [BLEEP] AGAIN."

AND SPEAKING OF HOT, WHAT ABOUT DEGREES?

THIS ONE IDIOT I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH

HAD A FULL RIDE TO HARVARD,

AND HE GOES AND GETS A DEGREE IN RELIGION.

LIKE, HE CAN [BLEEP] ABSOLUTELY DO ANYTHING

WITH THAT [BLEEP] DEGREE.

HE COULD'VE JUST DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL

AND WORKED AT McDONALD's AND MADE MORE.

A McDONALD's NEAR, LIKE, A CHURCH.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

AND I HAD TO ASK,

ARE THERE ANY OTHER TATTOOED-FACED BARBERS IN TOWN?

THERE'S ANOTHER BARBER. HIS NAME IS RICHIE THE BARBER.

HE HAS HIS FACE FULLY TATTOOED LIKE ME.

WHAT?

I PUT OUT A VIDEO JUST CALLING HIM OUT,

BUT HE HASN'T RESPONDED BACK TO MY CHALLENGE.

WELL, HE RESPONDED TO MY CHALLENGE

TO BE ON "ONES ON ONE." AND MY FIRST QUESTION...

WHEN YOU GOT YOUR PENIS TATTOOED,

HOW DID THAT FEEL, AND WHAT'S ON IT?

IT HURT LIKE HELL. BUT I DID NUMB IT, THOUGH.

BUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT WAS WEIRD.

I WAS ALL PILLED OUT, AND... AND IT'S A BARBER POLE.

YOU KNOW, STRIPES AROUND, AND THE HEAD'S YELLOW.

OKAY. TIME TO GET SERIOUS.

DO YOU THINK NICK CANNON'S TALENTED?

YOU GOT ME ON THE SPOT HERE.

AND SPEAKING OF BEING ON THE SPOT,

IS HE GOING TO FIGHT TEDDY BOY GREG?

I'M NOT -- I'M NOT A FIGHTER, I'M A LOVER.

[ HORN HONKS ]

GOT ME. BACK TO FUN.

DO ME A FAVOR -- JUGGLE SOME KNIVES IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

HANGING OUT WITH THIS BARBERSHOP DUET

REMINDED ME OF WHAT IT WAS LIKE

TO LIVE ON THE RAZOR'S EDGE.

AND I WANT TO THANK THEM BOTH

FOR GIVING ME SOME SERIOUS FACE TIME.

Narrator: STAY TUNED FOR...

AS WE ALL KNOW, SUCCESS COMES IN MANY SHAPES AND SIZES,

BUT WHEN WE SIZE UP THE SHAPE OF SUCCESS,

IT SHOULD BE WITH THE INTENT TO SIZABLY RESHAPE SUCCESS ITSELF.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND,

LET'S GET TO THIS WEEK'S "HP" RISING STAR FINALIST.

Beckles: I DUG THROUGH MY MARVELOUS

HOLLYWOOD MOVIE COLLECTION TO PAIR THE PERFECT SCENE

WITH THE PERFECT ACTOR...

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

...TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION POSSIBLE.

TONIGHT, ROD IVES AND LUCY MORGENSTERN

BATTLE-AX FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $40,000.

AND A WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE WINNERS --

THERE'S GONNA BE A LOSER.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CLIP -- CLIP -- CLIP.

Narrator: AND NOW THE ORIGINAL CLASSIC SCENE.

YOU OKAY? OH, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

HERE, LET ME HELP. THANK YOU.

I GUESS I SHOULD'VE ASKED MY WIFE TO COME ALONG AND HELP.

THIS IS MY VAN.

HERE, I'LL JUST PUT THESE IN HERE FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ]

GET IN.

[ STUN GUN ZAPS ]

WHAT WAS...THAT?

THIS IS A MYOTRON, AND TH IS A BADGE.

AND Y ARE UNDER ARREST.

WOW!

Narrator: AND NOW THE RISING STAR SCREEN TEST.

YOU OKAY?

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.

I GUESS I SHOULD'VE ASKED MY WIFE FOR HELP.

H-HERE, LET ME JUST -- LET ME JUST HELP --

JUST PUT IT IN THERE.

LET ME JUST...

THIS IS MY VAN.

HERE, LET ME JUST PUT IT IN THERE FOR YOU.

GET IN!

BZZT! BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

THIS IS A MYOTRON! AND THIS IS A BADGE!

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

[ SCREAMING ]

GOD!

WOW!

Narrator: LET'S GET OUTSIDE.

GOT TO CONFESS -- I'M STILL MAJOR-LEAGUE BUZZED

FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SUCCESS AWARDS."

HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?

LET'S GET BACK INSIDE!

...A "SUCCESS AWARD" DUET YOU WON'T FORGET.

Narrator: IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT WHO DROPS BY THE BIZ PIT.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

I'M A HOLLYWOOD INSIDER. I KNOW WHAT GOES ON.

RIGHT. "DOGSTAR" IS ACTUALLY KEANU REEVES.

IT IS? OH, F-- YEAH.

YEAH.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

THERE'S ANOTHER INCARNATION BEFORE THE --

UH, I'M PARANOID ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE.

I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.

I'VE NEVER MET ANY OF THEM.

I always have more material. [ CHUCKLES ]

Can I say some more material?

No. Okay. Gotcha.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Narrator: SUCCESSEE FOR ALWAYS HAVING MORE MATERIAL --

JEFF DEANE TURNER.

THERE WERE THREE WORDS FOR LAST NIGHT'S

"SUCCESS AWARDS" -- WHAT A --

[ VOMITS ] AND HOW, DERRICK.

THE 8th ANNUAL "SUCCESS AWARDS"

WAS A SIZZLING BLAST SENSATION

FROM COAST TO COAST. WHAT...A...PARTY.

AND NOW TONIGHT'S LOSER IN THE RISING STAR ALERT FINALS

IS LUCY --

[ VOMITING ]

Narrator: AND NOW MORE WINNERS FROM "HOT PACKAGE'S"

8th ANNUAL "SUCCESS AWARDS."

HANNAH'S FIELD, FEATURING BONGO BLISS.

* PASS THE DUTCHIE ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE *

* SO COME ON, PUFF, PUFF, GIVE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN *

* SO PASS IT AROUND, BABY

* 'CAUSE IT'S OBSCENE TO HOG THE GREEN *

* PUFF, PUFF, GIVE, PUFF, PUFF, GIVE *

* COME ON

* SHARE AND LIVE,

PUFF, PUFF, GIVE *

* GROWS FROM THE EARTH, THE EARTH CAN'T HURT *

THE GUY LOOKED UP AT ME, AND HE SAYS,

"DON'T STAB ME ANYMORE, MAN. I'M DEAD ALREADY."

NOW, BAM! YOU'RE OUT OF THERE!

THAT'S THE END OF THAT STORY.

LET'S TALK ABOUT ONE MORE THING HERE.

I-I LOST MY CAT. I CANNOT FIND MY CAT.

WOULD YOU HELP ME FIND MY CAT?

WOULD YOU COME WITH ME AND HELP ME FIND MY CAT?

AND THIS LITTLE GIRL WHO LOVES CATS, SHE SAYS,

"I'M GONNA MAKE THE DOPE DEAL.

YOU HOLD THE DOPE. I'LL HOLD THE CAT."

NOW THERE'S A SONG. IT GOES LIKE THIS --

THEY'LL ASK SOMETHING LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHERE THE SMITH PEOPLE LIVE?

YOU KNOW?"

AND THEN, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

AND THEN THE LITTLE GIRL GETS A LITTLE CLOSER --

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU. COME A LITTLE CLOSER."

AND SHE GETS A LITTLE CLOSER --

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU. COME A LITTLE CLOSER."

AND SHE GETS A LITTLE CLOSER..."

Narrator: BEST EROTICALLY CHARGED PIANO INFLUENCE DUET

AT THE 8th ANNUAL "SUCCESS AWARDS" --

JENNIFER DAY AND JEREMY EBENSTEIN.

* OOH, OOH

* SUCCESS IS THE PLACE TO BE *

* SUCCESS IS THE PLACE TO BE *

* WHY EXIST ANYWHERE ELSE?

* WHY EXIST ANYWHERE ELSE?

* DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT INSIDE *

[ BECKLES VOMITING ]

* NO --

[ LAUGHING ]

GOOD NIGHT, NORTH AMERICA. KEEP WINNING.