Original subtitles

Narrator: TONIGHT ON "HOT PACKAGE"...OUCH!

Beckles: "HOT PACKAGE" TAKES ON SEX AND VIOLENCE

WITH OUR DEEP FOCUS GROUP.

Roark: AND WE CHECK IN ON OUR HERO,

CHRISTIAN, A NONDENOMINATIONAL DOUGHNUT.

THE DOUGHNUT IS DEAD.

BACK TO WORK. Beckles: ALSO,

WE'VE GOT YOUR TOP SEXIEST MOMENTS OF THE YEAR, SO FAR.

MM-HMM.

Roark: THEN, REMEMBERING MARK.

YOUR ON-GOING SUPPORT HAS BEEN OUTSTANDING

AND HAS GIVEN US THE HOT, RAW STRENGTH

TO NOT CARRY ON WITHOUT HIM.

Beckles: AND THEN, A CHILLING "ONES ON ONE"

WITH HOLLYWOOD PSYCHIC SLOAN BELLA

YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS.

IT'S LIKE I JUST FLASHED.

PLUS...

Roark: BREAST WISHES!

THE "HP" BUFF BABEZ ARE BACK AND HUNGRY FOR ATTENTION.

* HOT LET'S GET INSIDE!

Narrator: LET'S GET INSIDE!

YOU'RE WATCHING "HOT PACKAGE,"

THE BEST AND ONLY IN CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS PROGRAMMING.

WELCOME BACK, NORTH AMERICA. I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

ANASTASIA ROARK IS STILL SICK, BUT NOT TO FEAR.

JOINING ME TONIGHT IS MY GORGEOUS

SUBSTITUTE CO-HOST IN CRIME, THE ALWAYS LOVELY SHERRY.

MWAH. MWAH. GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.

I LOVE BEING HERE.

OH. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE HERE.

MNH. MNH.

SWAPPING SPIT, TONGUING, TONSIL HOCKEY, HOLE TO HOLE.

THESE ARE ALL EXPRESSIONS USED TO DESCRIBE THE GATEWAY

TO THE ULTIMATE GATEWAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, SHER.

AND NORTH AMERICANS HAVE BEEN YEARNING FROM THE LATEST

FROM THE PICASSO OF PURSED LIPS, WILLIAM CANE.

AND "HP" IS ABLE WITH THE EXCLUSIVE.

THIS IS WILLIAM CANE, AND THIS TAPE,

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

IS GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO FRENCH KISS. YES.

ONCE, WHEN I WAS FRENCH KISSING A BOY,

I COULD NOT BREATHE AND I WAS GAGGING.

AND AFTERWARDS, I COULDN'T TALK ANYMORE

FOR, LIKE, FOUR HOURS, AND IT WAS TERRIBLE.

I STARTED TURNING BLUE.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE OR SOMETHING.

AND I ALMOST HAD TO GET TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL.

IT WAS PRETTY BAD. I MEAN, GEEZ. WHAT THE HECK?

Beckles: TONGUE AFTER TONGUE, GROPE AFTER GROPE,

SNUGGLE AFTER SNUGGLE.

"THE ART OF KISSING" HAS IT ALL AND MORE.

YOU WANT TO TOUCH JUST THE TIPPY TIP OF THE TONGUES LIKE THIS.

WELL, I LIKE TO, UH, KIND OF IMAGINE MYSELF

FRENCH KISSING MY AUNT, IF YOU WILL.

KIND OF LIKE IN THE MOTHERLY FASHION, YOU KNOW?

TAKING CARE OF ME, SHOWING ME, LEADING ME, YOU KNOW,

JUST KIND OF WALKING ME THROUGH IT, IF YOU WILL.

JUST A REAL NICE MENTAL PICTURE OF ME MAKING OUT WITH MY AUNT.

AND MORE.

YOU BEGIN AND GO,

AND THEN THE LONGER IT GOES,

I LOVE STARTING TO PLAY THE GAME OF, LIKE, I GOT YOU,

YOU GOT TO GET ME, AND GOING AROUND HERE AND HIDING.

YOU KNOW?

SO, AND THEN IT EVOLVES INTO WRESTLING, SLIDE, SLIDE.

Beckles: HOWEVER, SOME CRITICS CLAIM IT HAS TOO MUCH.

THE QUESTION IS, DOES IT OR DOESN'T IT?

AND THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.

SEX AND VIOLENCE.

Narrator: "HOT PACKAGE" GETS INTO IT.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

Beckles: ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS.

THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

MY BINARY BUDDY AND MATHEMATICALLY MANIFESTED

MAIN MAN FROM "THE MATRIX," HOLOGRAM MARK!

Narrator: HOLOGRAM MARK.

Man: YES.

Narrator: YOU'RE WATCHING HISTORY IN THE MAKING.

THE REVEAL OF THE FIRST AND ONLY HOLOGRAM CO-HOST.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

Sherry: COMING UP...

WHY DID WE BUILD THIS [BLEEP] PIECE OF SHIT?

[BLEEP] MARK.

[ GRUNTING CONTINUES ]

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S GET TO THIS LATER.

Narrator: STAY TUNED FOR MORE HOLOGRAM MARK.

Roark: AND NOW...

Narrator: SEX AND VIOLENCE. "HOT PACKAGE" GETS INTO IT.

Beckles: VIOLENCE. SEX. PLEASURE. PAIN.

YIN, YANG, ADD IT UP, AND SUBTRACT IT DOWN.

THE QUESTION STILL REMAINS...

HAS HOLLYWOOD GONE TOO FAR?

OR...

MMM.

NOT FAR ENOUGH?

JOEY?

WELCOME TO "HOT PACKAGE'S" DEEP FOCUS GROUP.

I'M JOEY GRECO,

AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT SOMETHING

THAT DERRICK AND I PUT TOGETHER.

LET'S TAKE IT ON.

[ MEN CHANTING ]

THAT'S THE FIRST ONE.

THANKS, JOEY. WE'LL BE BACK.

Narrator: STICK AROUND FOR THE RESULTS.

OUR CENTURION OF SMALL TALK,

DERRICK BECKLES DOES IT AGAIN IN OUR LATEST "ONES ON ONE."

Beckles: I SAT DOWN WITH "HOT PACKAGE" PSYCHIC

SLOAN BELLA AND GOT SOME JUICY SEX GOSSIP

FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

LET'S START WITH JOHN WAYNE GACY.

OKAY, HE WAS A SERIAL KILLER. WE KNOW HOW HE FELT ABOUT SEX.

[ Chuckling ] OKAY. LET'S DROP THE GACY AND GO WITH JOHN WAYNE.

WHAT'S YOUR IMPRESSION OF JOHN WAYNE?

WAS HE SEXUALLY VIOLENT? YEAH.

Y-YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT. I'M SEEING IN A ROOM

FULL OF, LIKE, NAKED BODIES, BOTH MALE AND FEMALE.

I'M GONNA USE THE WORD "ORGY." AND IT'S SODOMY, SODOMY, SODOMY.

[ LAUGHS ] AAH!

AND WHAT ABOUT

THAT ORGY OF TALENT, NICK CANNON?

WHAT ABOUT NICK CANNON? IS HE TALENTED?

UM...

STUMPED YOU! NEXT QUESTION.

WHO IN HOLLYWOOD'S GONNA DIE NEXT?

I'M GETTING GRUNGE ROCKER.

UM, SHORT HAIR.

CHRIS MARTIN.

[ Distorted ] CHRIS MARTIN. CHRIS MARTIN. CHRIS MARTIN.

IT'S NOT HIM. OH.

LITTLE BIT HEAVIER THAN HIM, LITTLE BIT DARKER HAIR,

BUT SIMILAR KIND OF VIBE. WHAT, LOUIE ANDERSON?

[ LAUGHS ]

CAN I PROVE THIS? I CANNOT PROVE IT.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF MY JOB. I CAN PROVE NOTHING.

AND IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED, IF I HAD HIRED SLOAN BELLA

IN THE PAST TO TELL ME WHAT A GREAT TIME WE'D BE HAVING

IN THE FUTURE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT UNTIL NOW.

Narrator: SEX AND VIOLENCE. "HOT PACKAGE" GETS INTO IT.

WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND VIOLENCE,

THEY SAY, "SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL."

BUT TASTE NO EVIL?

NOW I'M GONNA PLAY SOMETHING FOR YOU.

AS YOU LISTEN, TRY TO NOTICE

HOW IT AFFECTS THE TASTE OF THE SAMPLES.

Woman: [ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ PANTING ]

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ SINGING CONTINUES ]

[ AIR HISSING ] [ GASPING ]

Narrator: STICK AROUND FOR THE RESULTS.

MM-HMM.

Woman: MM.

MM.

[ SIGHS ]

THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

Roark: STILL TO COME...

Narrator: STICK AROUND.

WE'RE GONNA GET HOLOGRAM MARK WORKING.

Man: YES.

NOW JEFF DEANE TURNER GIVES THE SKINNY

WITH A FATTENING, DELICIOUS, DOUBLE SCOOP

WITH A CHERRY ON TOP.

Turner: HERE'S THE SCOOP --

JOHNNY DEPP IS A SATANIC HIGH PRIEST.

Beckles: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M SERIOUS. I'M -- I'M STATING THE FACTS HERE.

REMEMBER, I AM A HOLLYWOOD INSIDER.

[ LAUGHS ] JEFF?

DO YOU HAVE THE DOUBLE SCOOP?

THE DOUBLE SCOOP, UH, IS...UH...

WHAT'S THE SCOOP, JEFF?

YEAH. HERE IT IS.

UH...

WELL, UH...

LET'S SEE, UH, UH,

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS A SATANIC, MURDERING DUKE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT? YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ]

UH...

YOU GOT TO TELL ME. WHAT'S THE CHERRY ON TOP?

HERE'S THE CHERRY ON TOP.

[ CHUCKLES ] LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CLIP.

THAT'S HOW THE MOVIE ENDS!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M SERIOUS.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, YEAH.

I HATE THIS PLANET.

Narrator: SEX AND VIOLENCE. "HOT PACKAGE" GETS INTO IT.

CHARLENE AND CINDY HERE ARE DISTRIBUTING "HP" STIMU-METERS.

NOW, IF YOU HAVE A PARTICULAR REACTION, TUG UP TWICE.

IF YOU HAVE A REACTION DIFFERENT FROM THAT PARTICULAR REACTION,

TUG DOWN ONCE.

LETS GET INTO THIS.

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ COMPUTER BEEPING, DINGING ]

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S HAVE A PEEK AT THE RAW DATA.

JOEY? ISOLATING.

[ COMPUTER BEEPS, DINGS ]

HMM.

LOOKS LIKE THIS IS WHERE MEN BOTTOMED OUT ON SEX.

AND THIS IS WHERE WOMEN BOTTOMED OUT ON VIOLENCE.

VERY INTERESTING.

Narrator: LET US KNOW IF YOU AGREE WITH THE RESULTS.

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]

TURNS OUT THAT SOME DOCTOR WROTE IN

AND SAID IT WAS A GUY SKELETON BECAUSE OF THE CROTCH BONE,

SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I THINK THE EDITOR WROTE BACK AND SAID,

"HEY, THE JOKE'S ON ALL YOU JERKS WHO HAVE BEEN

JACKING OFF TO THE SKELETON."

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T JACK OFF TO THE SKELETON.

IF YOU GUYS DID, YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

WOW.

SEX AND VIOLENCE.

WE TOOK IT ON.

AND WE DID IT.

THANKS, MY MAN. I WANT TO THANK JOEY GRECO,

THE BUFF BABEZ, AND SHERRY, OF COURSE,

FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

AND HOPEFULLY WE GET HOLOGRAM MARK

UP AND RUNNING. TONIGHT WAS THE BOMB.

McGrath: [ Echoing ] TONIGHT IS THE BOMB.

[ MACHINE WHIRRING ]

MARK!

THIS IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE.

KILL ME!

HELP ME!