Original subtitles

O'Brian: TONIGHT ON "HOT PACKAGE"...

Beckles: OUCH!

WHAT TO DO IF HOLLYWOOD GOES ON STRIKE

AND THE UNTHINKABLE BECOMES A THINKABLE REALITY?

IS YOUR FAMILY PREPARED?

GLORY HOLE!

KID FAV CHRISTIAN THE NON-DENOMINATIONAL DONUT

IS BACK. HI, KIDS. IT'S ME!

AND WE MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE GLAZE.

DISH DELISH.

JEFF DEAN TURNER DISHES UP A...

THE GOSSIP IS BOILIN' OVER. [ WATER BUBBLES ]

O'Brian: THEN... IT'S MY "P.O.B. P.O.V."

ONLY "HP" HAS ANOTHER

VIVACIOUS VACATION VIDEO-DIARY ENTRY FROM PAT.

THEN THIS...

WHAT'S UP?

ARE YOU HOLDING?

HOPE YOU GOT YOUR "GRAM" FOR THIS WEEKEND.

BECAUSE "HOLOGRAM MAN" TICKETS ARE SOLD OUT.

YOU ASKED FOR IT, LADIES.

Both: THE PECtacular "HP" BUFF BOYZ...

ARE BACK.

THEN...

IT'S MARK'S LAST DAY.

WE SEND HIM OFF "HP" STYLE.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET INSIDE.

STOP AFTER BARS. I WANT A CLEAN ROLL ON THE OPENING.

O'Brian: YOU'RE WATCHING "HOT PACKAGE,"

THE BEST AND ONLY IN CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS PROGRAMMING.

WELCOME BACK TO "HOT PACKAGE," NORTH AMERICA.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

AND I'M MARK McGRATH IN FOR PAT O'BRIEN,

WHO'S IN DEEP VACATION MODE.

I'M ANASTASIA ROARK IN THE "HP" BIZ PIT.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

D., IT'S BEEN ALL BLUE JEANS AND ROCK 'N' ROLL

REPORTING THE BIZ WITH YOU THIS WEEK, MY FRIEND.

GREAT MEMORIES.

TEE-HEE! I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.

I'D DIE FOR YOU.

THANK YOU, CHRIS. LIKEWISE, MY FRIEND.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, WE WERE JOKING AROUND BACKSTAGE,

SAYING YOUR NICKNAME SHOULD BE "SPIKE"

BECAUSE THERE WAS A SPIKE IN THE RATINGS THIS WEEK.

YOU ARE TOO KIND, MY FRIEND, BUT I'LL TAKE IT.

[ CHUCKLES ] ANYWAYS...

WHAT A WEEK IT'S BEEN FOR YOU TO FILL IN FOR PAT.

SO MUCH HAS GONE DOWN.

AND HOW, BIG D.

WE ARE IN DAY 12 OF "FED UP."

A HOLLYWOOD STRIKE IS IMMINENT,

AND THE PUBLIC IS IN PANIC MODE.

TOO VERY TRUE.

AND HOLLYWOOD IS HOLDING OUT,

CALLING FOR "BETTER REVIEWS," "PACKED THEATERS,"

AND "COMPLETE CELEBRITY RESPECT," OR CCR.

AND WHAT'S AT STAKE?

WELL, SIMPLY PUT --

TELEVISION SIRLOIN.

IF HOLLYWOOD GOES ON STRIKE...

[ PEOPLE WHOOPING, CHEERING ]

...WE COULD LOSE THIS SHOW...

...DEFINITELY COULD LOSE THIS SHOW...

LEAVE ME ALONE! OHH!

...AND WE COULD LOSE THIS SHOW, TOO...

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

...AND THIS SHOW, AMERICA'S FAVORITE

TEEN-DISCIPLINE REALITY SERIES WOULD BE GONE.

THINK ABOUT IT. THAT'S WHAT'S AT STEAK.

SO TRUE.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE "HOLOGRAM MAN" PREMIERE

OPENING THIS WEEKEND.

SPEAKING OF "HOLOGRAM MAN," WE GOT A SNEAK PEEK

AT THE PREMIERE LAST NIGHT, AND "HOLY GRAM"!

WHEW!

ELECTRIFYING.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

IT'S A "HOT PACKAGE" SNEAK PEEK.

WHAT'S UP? Beckles: WHAT'S UP INDEED?!

[ Deep voice ] I LIKE THIS.

"HOLOGRAM MAN" IS HERE, AND YOU ARE GONNA SHIT YOURSELF.

YES.

Beckles: IT HAS EVERYTHING FROM SOUPED-UP FACE PEELS

TO HOT HOLOGRAM BODS, PLUS...

Man: I ACCESSED YOUR DISC AND ACTIVATED

YOUR HELICAL-CONSCIOUSNESS PROGRAM.

...TONS OF SCIENCE... YOU OKAY?

YOU TELL ME. ...AND TONS OF DEFIANCE.

SHIT!

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB, DECODA?

ALSO, A SURPRISE ENDING WHEN ROOKIE COP KURT DECODA

BECOMES A HOLOGRAM, TOO, AND KILLS THE HOLOGRAM BAD GUY.

IT'S AMAZING.

SLASH IS GONNA ATTACK THE GOVERNOR TODAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE. SHIT.

AND IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, THEY EVEN KILL A GOVERNOR.

PUT THIS ON YOUR TO-VIEW LIST.

MOSES! MOSES INDEED.

WHEW! YOU KNOW, WHEN MY TIME COMES,

I DON'T THINK I'D MIND BEING A HOLOGRAM.

THAT MAKES ONE OF US, MY FRIEND.

'CAUSE IF I WAS A HOLOGRAM, I'D BE IN HELL.

YOU MEAN IN HELLO-GRAM. AW. GOOD ONE.

DULY NOTED.

I DON'T THINK I'D MIND BEING A HOLOGRAM.

I'D BE IN HELL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A HOLOGRAM WHEN YOU DIE?

LET US KNOW.

Roark: COMING UP, WE MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE GLAZE.

AND NOW, WHAT TO DO IF HOLLYWOOD GOES ON STRIKE?

IS YOUR FAMILY READY?

Man: PEOPLE ARE GONNA BEGIN SCREAMING AND YELLING.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNA GET UP, PANIC,

AND START RUNNING IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

RESIST THIS URGE TO JOIN THEM AND STAY WHERE YOU ARE,

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS CLEAR... [ GLASS SHATTERS ]

...AND THEN GET DOWN LOW IF YOU DETERMINE...

[ ALARM BLARING ] GUYS, WHAT DO WE GOT? WHAT DO WE GOT?

DERRICK, IT LOOKS LIKE HOLLYWOOD HAS OFFICIALLY GONE --

Turner: IT'S THE BIG ONE.

CONFIRMED BY JEFF DEAN TURNER, HOLLYWOOD ON STRIKE.

AND THIS CAME -- IT SAYS, "ENJOY THE 'P.O.B. P.O.V.'"

O'Brian: IT'S MY "P.O.B. P.O.V."

SOME CLASSIC PAT TO EASE THE TENSION.

I CANNOT WAIT.

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

PAT! [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

ANYBODY CALLED THE COPS? Man: THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

MAYHEM.

HE'S GOT A MANIFESTO, DERRICK.

AAH!

SHIT!

YEAH, HEY, MAN, HEY.

IT'S COOL, RIGHT? WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.

WE'RE ALL FROM HOLLYWOOD.

"WE ARE THE NEW HOLLYWOOD LIBERATION ARMY.

"HOLLYWOOD IS ON STRIKE. IGNORE THEIR DEMANDS.

"WE HAVE DEMANDS -- HOLLYLAND, A NEW HOME FOR SHOWBIZ.

"IT'LL BE IN CYCLOPS, PENNSYLVANIA.

EVERY NEW LIFE WILL BE SCRIPTED." Mamma mia.

"EVERY LIFE WILL BE A SERIES.

ONLY THE COUNSEL OF 12 CAN CANCEL A SERIES." [ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

HOLY SHIT. "RESPECT THE COUNSEL, AND IT WILL RESPECT YOUR SERIES."

THIS LOOKS VERY, VERY REAL.

"REFUSE, AND MORE HEADS ROLL."

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] Day: HELLO?

OKAY, UH, JUST A SECOND.

DERRICK, IT'S THE COPS.

NO COPS.

NO COPS.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?

MARK, YOU OKAY?

IT'S OKAY, CHRIS. I GOT THIS.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD, BUDDY.

HEY, MAN, HE'S GOT SOME VIDEO DEMANDS, TOO.

YOU GOT IT, MAN. YOU GOT IT.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT. Mamma mia!

[ Distorted ] WE INSIST THE FOLLOWING NHLA BAD BOYS

BE RELEASED FROM PRISON. THEY ARE...

FINALLY, I REALIZED, LIKE, "WOW, THIS CAN REALLY GET GIRLS."

[ CHUCKLES ] 'CAUSE THIS IS LIKE A SKILL

THAT MAYBE ONE OUT OF 15 GUYS POSSESS.

[ LAUGHS ]

Bruce: SO I CAN SAY, "HEY, GIRL, HOW ARE YA?"

IF I S-- OR, YOU KNOW, "WHAT'S UP, GIRL?"

YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

Gord: I THINK STORYTELLING'S A LOST ART.

"CHEER," CHEERED THE 400 MILLION SPECTATORS,

AS THEY NODDED AND SAT DAZED ON THEIR WOVEN-STRAW MATS.

[ Distorted ] RELEASE THE BAD BOYS!

HMM.

[ STATIC ]

HE SAYS HE'S GOT TO PEE, SO YOU JUST DO YOU.

YEAH. RIGHT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

NO!

OKAY, GREAT. WELL, LET'S, UH, GO TO A "ONES ON ONE," SHALL WE?

Woman: ROLL PLAYBACK.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]

Beckles: TIME FOR MY EXCLUSIVE WITH JIM CARREY.

KIDDING! IT'S PATRICK O'SULLIVAN.

DON'T WORRY. YOUR FUNNY BONE WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

[ As Jim Carrey ] HELLO, DERRICK.

PERHAPS YOU KNOW ME. I'M MEGA MOVIE STAR JIM CARREY.

GUESS WHAT MR. BECKLES, SPECKLES, FRECKLES -- HO!

I FELT LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL...

WHAT, DERRICK? WHOO!

...ALL OVER AGAIN.

LET ME SHOW YOU MY TEETH! [ LAUGHS ]

THEN I ASKED HIM THE QUESTION THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO ASK.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO JIM?

[ Normal voice ] I'D STEAL HIS JOB.

GOOD TO KNOW IF SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS TO JIM...

[ LAUGHS ] [ As Jim Carrey ] HEY, I'M BACK!

...NOTHING HORRIBLE WILL HAPPEN TO OUR LAUGHTER.

THEN IT WAS TIME FOR A LAUGH BREAK.

[ RECORD SCRATCHES ] NOT!

CUT IT! WE'RE BACK.

CUT. [ STATIC ]

Aw, shit.

WE'RE BACK. NO!

RIGHT NOW HE WANTS EVERYONE ON A PLANE TO CYCLOPS, PENNSYLVANIA.

OF COURSE. LET'S DO THAT.

LISTEN, THOUGH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

IF WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE, I GOT TO CALL MY FAMILY.

Hey, yo! It's the McGrath house! [ Barking ]

WHOA, WHOA. GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

ATTEN-- ATTENTION. THERE'S A LOT OF TENSION HERE,

AND THE GREAT THING FOR "A-TENSION" IS A MAKEOVER.

JUST SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS

AND PUT SOME HOOPS ON YOUR EARS AND...

DERRICK, STOP IT, MAN. HE'S IN FREAK-OUT MODE.

HEY! HEY. HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

MARK, DON'T DO IT, BUDDY.

DON'T DO IT! DON'T SHOOT!

[ GUNFIRE ]

MAMMA MIA!

[ GROANS ]

MARK! DERRICK.

[ Crying ] MARK, WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOOT HIM WHEN HE PEED?

LISTEN, EVERYTHING IS HOLLYWOOD, AND HOLLYWOOD IS EVERYTHING.

[ Sobbing ] NO, PLEASE. AND HOLLYWOOD WILL ALWAYS BE HOLLYWOOD.

MARK.

BUT YOU NEED MORE OF THIS.

TAKE IT. MARK.

IT'S MY HOLLYWOOD. TAKE IT.

TAKE IT.

[ GAGGING ]

AAH! AAH! AAH!

HOLLYWOOD!

[ Deep voice ] YES.

[ SOBBING ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

GOD, MARK!

DERRICK, WHAT DID HE SAY?

[ Sobbing ] HE SAID -- HE SAID HE WANT...

HE SAID HE WANTS TO BE MY HOLOGRAM CO-HOST

FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT'S INTENTIONAL OR NOT.

[ BOTH SOBBING ]

Woman: WE COVER NEWS STORIES LIKE THIS EVERY DAY,

ONLY THIS TIME, WE ARE THE NEWS STORY.

[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]

THE STRIKE IS OVER?

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

FIVE NEW PROJECTS HAVE BEEN GREEN-LIT.

OH, NO, 20!

Cee Lo GREEN WAS SEEN AT THE CHATEAU MARMONT.

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

HEY. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY, LITTLE GUY, YOU HEAR ME?

[ Weakly ] IS MARK OKAY? [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

HEY, BUDDY. I'LL BE OKAY.

WHO WAS THAT DOUCHE-BAG, ANYWAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

AND I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

GOOD NIGHT, NORTH AMERICA.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.

[ RINGING, DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]

NOW, HOW 'BOUT THAT?

THAT WAS EXCITING, WASN'T IT?

All: YEAH.

[ Deep voice ] YES.

[ UPBEAT '80s MUSIC PLAYS ]