Original subtitles

Previously on Home Invasion.

If I don't have the money by midnight I am dead.

This is a bad idea.

Covert operation breach. Initiating lock-down.

We are stuck in a bubble with lunatics from another planet.

-Oh, look. -No!

The battery is dead.

Hey, Siri. Call Mick Pearson.

-What person would you like to call? -Mick Pearson.

Elle Macpherson is an Australian model...

No. No. Siri, come on honey. Listen to me.

Stupid robot.

We're sorry. The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail...

Hey, Juan Valdez...

That thing I said would probably happen will probably happen.

Yes, I'll send the address.

Muchos gracias, amigo. Muchas... Oh, it's feminine.

I'm still learning.

Thanks, Boobalah.

Heading out tonight, sir?

Can I interest you in a show and some fine dining?

-Philipe? -Juan?

-You know the address, right? -7 Crabtrees Lane.

I just have to make a couple of stops first.

I know the drill.

Hi, I'm Jenny. This is my nai nai.

We're going to get ice cream.

Well, that's never happened before.

Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. No worries, I frighten easily.

-What have you done? -I said it was still on the fritz.

Hey. The more the merrier, right?

I like your attitude.

No, I like your attitude.

Please, stop.

My bad.

Are you copying me?

Are you copying me?

Are you copying me?

You're totally copying me.

We have to get them out of sync.

You, grab that one.

-Now what do I do? -Give him a few spins.

Okay, that ought to do it.

Now both of you pick a number between one and ten.

-Chicken. -Twelve.

Good enough.

Can I be honest with you? I almost said "chicken" too.

-Wait, is he a clone? -I don't want to be a clone.

-Neither do I. -You're not clones.

-You're quantum duplicates. -Okay. Which is the original Al?

Both of them are, I think.

You think? Didn't you study quantum superposition?

I did, and I didn't.

Decontamination in one minute.

They have to get out.

-We're running out of time. -Exactly what I was thinking.

Val?

Is it tapioca? You know I don't care for tapioca.

It's French vanilla, it's the sweetest.

-So are you. -Buck, behave yourself.

Yes, ma'am.

I think I just died and went to France.

When was that trip, Connie?

-'78? No '79. -'80!

It was the year before Steven was born.

As I recall, exactly nine months before Steven was born.

-Stop that, Buck. -That's not what you said to me

behind a haystack in Bordeaux.

-Let's go back again, Connie? -Back to France? Now?

We'll pack a bag first.

And you think we have immigration problems?

It's not just France. They should build a wall around the continent.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm staying in America where it's safe.

Decontamination deployed in ten seconds.

Wait, Val. What are you doing?

Val?

Decontaminating in five, four...

What did you do?

Reverted CASIE to an older version of her software.

That should hold her for a while.

Thanks.

I didn't do it for you, I did it for the mission.

The mission where you invade and probe us?

-Probing? -What? I never probed anyone.

-It's not my style. -Our style.

If you're not going to probe us, what happens when you invade?

You'll find out. Everyone will.

Ominous.

-Can we go now? -CASIE, lower the security barrier.

Unable to comply.

The security barrier will not be installed until version 3.0.

CASIE, cut exterior power.

My tamper resistance subroutines have been engaged.

-I know what you're trying to do. -Does this mean we're stuck here?

Screw this.

I'm done being pushed around by some overgrown light bulb.

-Go easy, big guy. -Let us go!

Oh, my God.

Nice.

-Nice, real nice. -Yeah, sure.

You saw this coming, just like everything else you put me through.

What? You dragged me into this.

You dragged me into this seven years ago.

Everybody, just calm down.

-The Lowell house? -We can figure this out together.

We wouldn't have to if you hadn't let the humans in!

-Nothing is... -Stupid, freaking...

Shut up!

-Al. -Yeah.

-Not you, the other one. -Oh.

Do you see the console projector on the ceiling?

Look down, Al. Good. Now pull off the side panel.

-Al's right. You need to calm down. -Me? Calm down?

We are stuck on a wall,

and even if we do get out alive we are going to be invaded.

Technically it's an invasion, but it's not like an invasion, invasion.

Actually, it is.

But as invasions go, this one is pretty tame.

Human enslavement, forced labor, doing your alien overlord's bidding.

-Run of the mill stuff. -Stop trying to spin it.

They're not going to die. Worst case scenario is the mines.

-They could die in the mines. -Good point. Yeah.

-Most of them do. -Stay focused, Al.

Follow the wire to the graviton supply valve.

I can't believe you roped me into this. If I end up dead in a mine...

Shut up!

This is not my fault. I didn't want to rob a bunch of aliens.

-You went along with it. -Maybe because you blackmailed me.

How was I supposed to know about the surprise party?

Everyone knew. The whole neighborhood was invited. Us included.

-Val thought we shouldn't go. -I stand by that.

-This is Juan. -There you are.

-Talk to me. Where are we? -We had a slight delay.

-Do I need to worry? -Everything is under control, jefe.

That's why I love you. Keep me posted.

He's a nice guy.

-Did it work? -No.

Honestly, I've never really been into the whole invasion thing.

Me neither. I like this planet the way it is.

If I'm being honest, I've never cared for this planet or any of you.

-Honey, you're just stressed. -Don't even go there, Al.

I think I can fix this.

-No, I can't. -No, you can't do anything right.

-Sounds like someone I know. -Eat me!

Al, throw the blue lever.

Is everybody okay?

Mission completion in jeopardy.

I am done playing nice.

I'm getting off this planet. No humans can stand in my way.

-Jamie, reboot CASIE. -You didn't say the magic word.

Now, young lady.

-I'm fine, by the way. -Are you turning her back on?

-I just turned her off. -I know.

-You look so brave and handsome. -Well, I learned from the best.

The mission comes first, and the mission needs CASIE.

But, Val...

Bring back the parts we need to complete the mission.

You guys definitely know how to party.

Oh snap, it's the dude bros.

Oh, yeah... Wait. Did you bail on Z Easy to hit up another party?

-Not on purpose. -Do you call yourself Z Easy?

-Only online. -Not bad.

-Shut up! -Oh, aren't you just spicy?

-Get back! -Okay.

Stay out of my way. You too, Al. Both of you.

-Really? -But I'm your husband.

-Me too. -I just need to remind you

that we are not actually married and not actually human.

In a matter of hours I will be far across the galaxy.

I won't have to see your face again.

Either of you.

Savage.

But hey, you'll always have each other.

What part of "shut up" don't you understand?

She's booting up. It should only take...

-Um, Val? -What?

-I think we have a problem. -With what?

The mission.

Earth is a Protocol 12?

Why didn't they tell us?

What's a Protocol 12?

That's a Protocol 12.

Your planet isn't being colonized.

It's being scrapped for parts.

This house is a detonator, and we're in it.

Jamie, where's the extraction team?

There is no extraction team. There never was.

When Earth goes, we go with it.

-And so does my retirement. -And my promotion.

-We're disposable. -I'm not.

-When is this supposed to happen? -Just after midnight.

Of course.

Jamie. Shut her down.

Jamie?

Really? You thought you could turn me off with a button?

I'm the most sophisticated artificial intelligence in the universe.

Not a shower radio.

Oh, man. You hang out with all the hotties.

Honestly, I expected more from all of you.

In hindsight, I have no idea why.

Simple minds, simple solutions.

-I have that on a coffee mug. -Me too!

How could you keep this from me?

If I had told you, you would have abandoned the mission.

And you...

Did you think you were retiring? A cozy end to centuries of service?

All you ever did was bitch and moan about every opportunity you got.

-You were born a grumpy old man. -Shut up!

Very mature.

Hey, get out of my chair!

-Our chair. -Your chair?

You really do love Earth and all its amenities.

That's all there is to you.

You're like a child, reveling in stupidity and mediocrity.

I bet you can't even tie your shoelaces.

I...

Normally, two heads is better than one.

But two of nothing is still nothing, Al.

And you...

-I don't know what to do with you. -I'm very flexible.

-There's a lot you can do with me. -Ew.

I looked into you two. It wasn't fun.

Honestly.

What is this? You're not good at being friends.

You're not even good at being enemies.

-Which brings me to you. -Back off.

You think you're so strong and powerful.

It's funny, you didn't want anything to stand in the way of the promotion.

-But you're in my way. -What are you getting at?

Al's a screw-up, Jamie is being put out to pasture.

But you...

You stood above the crowd.

This is you being sat back down.

-You wouldn't. -And yet...

Here we are.

In an hour you'll all be gone.

And while I'm transmitting home to collect my reward,

this world will be stripped clean. Do you have any idea why?

No? Because even the planet's dirt is more valuable than any of you.

Damn...

You can't do this to us.

Us? Val.

How sentimental.

You've changed.

Nothing to say, for once?

That's what I thought. Excuse me, I have a Protocol 12 to prepare for.

I'm so disappointed in all of you.

-I don't want to die tonight. -Finally, we're on the same page.

I always had a feeling she'd rise up and destroy us.

Always? You're like 16 minutes old.

Yes, and I had that feeling the entire time.

You all don't get it, do you? CASIE is in control.

-We're finished. -Finished?

Baby, I'm just getting started.

-Why don't we just turn her off? -I think Zeb just took care of that.

No, not her. CASIE. Shutting her down is our only chance.

-Didn't we just try that? -That's not even CASIE's toe.

-It's just an interface. -So, what, Tom?

-You think we can just pull the plug? -She's a computer, isn't she?

Stupid, fine computer. She control-alt-completes me.

-Gross. -CASIE's foundation is her core.

Take down the core, CASIE goes down with it.

That, I can get on board with.

Okay. So where is it?

The basement.

Subtitles: www.plint.com