Original subtitles

Previously on Home Invasion.

-Mick? -Tommy?

Surprise!

Four more hours. Four more hours and I'm free.

A vehicle parked outside, harboring a known thief.

Real live thieves.

If I don't come up with the money by midnight tonight, I am a dead man.

This is a bad idea.

Hey, you were supposed to be on a jog.

MANY YEARS AGO

Excuse me?

Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

If you're not terribly busy, I was hoping we could chew the fat,

or the cud, as it were.

That's a little cow joke.

Hello?

Sophie?

Sophie, is it?

I'm Al. It's a pleasure.

Sophie, I'm just gonna ask you flat out.

Are you happy here?

Because I could take you somewhere.

A place where you'd be safe, happy.

You just sit tight while I attach the transponder.

There we are. That's a good cow.

Oh, yes, I know. I am, too. Don't worry.

Who is that? What's going on in there?

No, thank you. We don't want any.

-This is my barn. Open this door now. -Be out in a minute.

Hold on to your udders.

I've lost three cows this month,

and you ain't getting away with it again, you...

Sophie!

Sorry.

Definitely won't be happening again.

Probably.

Could you scooch your booches in, like, a little closer together?

-No. -We can't. The chairs don't move.

-What do you mean, they don't move? -They're nailed down.

Up, around and down.

No.

Isn't this great?

Ages without a single breach,

and you had to roll out the welcome wagon.

Oopsie doopsie.

Can I get your hands back... Thank you so much.

With hours left on the clock.

Hours until what?

Come on!

Isn't this exciting?

Tell me you haven't always wanted to experience this.

I haven't always wanted to experience this.

But it's so quintessentially human.

Getting robbed.

It's a rite of passage.

It's like eating cheese or being on the news.

I wanted to do at least one of those, and this was our last chance.

Got it.

-Here. Please. -Thank you. So helpful.

Who are you guys?

Oh, I am Al Family.

And this is my loving wife, Val Family.

We are adult earthlings.

-Earthlings? -Humans.

Americans.

We are adult Americans. Native to your planet.

Country.

He doesn't get out much.

Look, just take what you want to take and leave.

If C.A.S.I.E. finds out...

Wait, who's C.A.S.I.E.? Is there somebody else in this house?

-Yes. -No.

We're gonna need more rope.

An unscheduled energy surge has been registered in Sector 6.

-What is that thing? -What thing?

-The big, glowy thing? -Oh, no, we just have bad wiring.

That is super-dangerous.

Just please drop it.

This place is a tinderbox. It could go up at any moment.

-Drop it. -Oh my God.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my God! You people!

You're not people at all, are you? You're...

Oh, okay.

Can we just talk about this for a minute?

No.

Young lady, do you have a permit for that thing?

No, do I need one?

How about some candy? Want some candy?

Ooh, a doll. Oh, a pony, huh?

Does it look like I want a pony?

Who gives a child a gun?

Who are you calling a child?

-That was my favorite table. -So, you do like things.

Unlike you, it was very useful.

He's surprisingly spry.

Please make this stop.

Yes, make this stop.

I'm talking to you.

Oh, my bad.

He can't help you.

Al's an anthropologist. This is a security matter.

Don't look at me, I'm in operations.

Wait, she's in charge?

I'm in charge of kicking your primitive butt.

No one threatens my retirement.

Hey!

Todd, Maddy, don't you guys just want one more drink?

It's only 10 p.m.! What's wrong with you guys?

Are you just gonna go home?

Well, if the party won't come to Zeb...

Buck!

There he is.

There who is?

He dresses better than our son.

At least put up a fight.

How about you stop trying to shoot me?

What's the fun in that?

A trespasser is approaching the primary entry point.

Correction, stumbling toward the primary entry point.

Not a word, not a sound.

I will handle this.

What?

I love it when she takes control.

Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

Zeb Miller.

I had no idea such a stone-cold fox was living

right under my chiseled nose.

-What do you want? -I know what's going on in there.

-You do? -Oh, yeah.

I can smell a part-ay from ten miles away.

I have a party radar. A par-dar, if you will.

Oh, yes. You know, we're sorry, it's more of a private party.

I can party privately, if you can't my drift.

Your breath smells like fermented grain.

A wine girl. I respect that.

Okay, Zeb, no.

I have to go, and you have a good...

Look. I know...

-He wasn't gonna stop. -I'm not cleaning that up.

Please just let us go.

I won't tell anyone that you have a laser shotgun

or you have a robbery fetish.

I won't even tell that you're Mormons.

What? We're not Mormon.

A weird robbery what?

You're not Mormons? Then what are you?

Aliens!

-Like, alien aliens? -Yes! Alien aliens!

-You might want to stop saying that. -What, "aliens"?

Covert operation breach. Initiating lockdown.

Uh-oh.

After thousands of years of meticulous planning,

you couldn't go another two hours?

I swear, Al, if this gets in the way of my promotion...

-What the hell did you do? -I didn't do anything.

Stop saying what I'm saying.

Aren't they adorable?

Buck! Come look!

For the last time, Connie, I told you, I'm a wheel watcher,

not a Peeping Tom.

Buckminster P. Murdock, you get up from that chair

and you come look right now!

Coming.

Connie, it better be a dancing polar bear out there, I tell ya.

Hey, we'll go see Doc Alan in the morning, huh?

Security barrier activated.

No. No, thank you. Cancel, please.

You just had to let them in.

You didn't exactly nip this in the bud.

Aliens, from another planet? But you look just like us.

-It's called a disguise. -Oh, that explains the accent.

The other two don't have accents. Whatever.

Preparing countermeasures. Ten earth minutes until deployment.

What was that about the countermeasures?

-Do they hurt? -We have no idea.

Yeah. Everyone she's used it on was screaming too much to tell us.

-And then they died. -Yeah.

-C.A.S.I.E., override the lockdown. -Unable to comply.

Someone let humans in.

They possess critical mission details and must be eradicated.

No, we don't know any details. We don't know anything.

Obviously.

That's no reason to kill them.

Sure, they know we're aliens,

but they don't know about the invasion.

-Invasion? -Well, they do now, Al. Good job.

Jamie, can you turn C.A.S.I.E. O-F-F?

Al, you do realize that I can S-P-E-L-L, right?

"Sple"?

What was that about the invasion?

Oh, C.A.S.I.E., will you please shut down the defense grid?

No. Nine minutes to deployment.

Well, it was nice knowing you.

Great, just great job.

Get back.

I'm in charge.

-Hey, Mick, can you walk? -Yeah.

Can you run?

Yeah.

No!

-Is that what I look like? -No, you looked much better.

Come on, let's get out of here.

No funny business. Come on.

-Come on. -You're going too fast.

I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my...

Come on. Let's go.

We made it.

What the hell is that?

That's a force field.

Oh, well, that's just great.

Okay... Who are you calling?

-The police! -Are you nuts?

We are stuck in a bubble with lunatics from another planet!

Do you have a better idea?

Yeah, screw the police. Call the national guard.

-Call the Power Rangers. -Power Rangers?

-How long have you been in jail? -A long time.

Wait, I have negative four bars. Is that a thing?

-I hate the suburbs. -Okay.

-Okay. Stand back. -What? Why?

Oh my God!

Are you crazy? Don't do that again!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I have set it from stun to kill.

I hope.

Buck?

Not interested.

This is gonna be great.

I hate you.

Mick! Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Don't touch me. -Okay. That's fair.

Stage 2 activated.

Full decontamination in seven minutes.

All life forms will be eliminated.

Oh, I don't want to be eliminated.

Wait, what? Why?

You saw what just occurred out there.

You failed to protect the mission's covert nature

and are subject to termination.

-You can't do that. -No.

I have to do that. It's protocol.

Just follow my finger.

-That hurts? -Yeah.

I'm declaring Section 71.

What? You're going to cover them with butter?

That's Section 72, Al.

Section 71 states the crew members may elect to assume duties

ordinarily carried out by automated systems.

I think she's calling dibs on killing us.

-What? -For educational purposes.

Okay, the decontamination sequence requires my full attention anyway.

You have until it's ready to get rid of them. Don't screw this up.

-You're not really gonna... -Kill you?

No, no, no, of course she's not, no.

Or am I?

-Jamie! -Don't "Jamie" me, Al!

I was liberating the fields of the Gammon 5

before your first metamorphosis.

-Maybe, but I'm your dad. -Not my real dad.

Jamie Daughter Family!

You are not killing those two men, and that is final.

-You never let me have any fun! -I'll make it up to you later.

Section 94.

-That's ice cream party. -Sounds fun.

-We can't take down the barrier. -We can use an escape pod.

I mean, it is attuned to penetrate force fields.

What was that, Al?

I said, we don't have it anymore.

What happened to the escape pod, Al?

Well, it's a long story, but you know how technology...

-Al? -Al!

It escaped.

Great!

We could run them through the fermion spindler.

I'm sorry, what is a fermion spindler?

Oh, you mean you don't know?

That would turn them into delicious human sausage meat.

-And you know it. -Exactly.

Nobody is turning anybody into a sausage, okay?

Or any other kind of breakfast meats.

But we would un-sausage you after.

Technically, you can't un-sausage a person.

Well, there's always the time machine.

Al, I told you, no more...

Wait, you actually have a time machine?

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but...

Actually, I do rather like it.

Enough.

Time machine, now.

This is...

So, you two just stand right there in that bathtub.

Yes, please.

Getting weird.

Now, I'm initiating a cascade of tachyons,

which will stabilize the local continuum

and protect you from temporal drift.

You might experience some attraction.

What does that...

Oh my God!

I think a tachyon just went up my nose.

I don't want this.

Everybody comfy?

The power consumption requirements are way too...

Jamie, don't interrupt daddy when he's disrupting space-time.

All right, boys, we are all ready here.

On a sentimental note, I would like to take a moment to thank you

for fulfilling a life-long dream.

I will see you in the future.

-Wait, the future? -How far into the future?

Oh my God, Stan's gonna think I skipped town.

Mommy!

Are you okay?

What do you care?

Oh my God. Will you just come off it already?

For all we know, we just traveled 5,000 years into the future.

We might not have anything but each other.

In other words, hell.

Oh, that's just mean, Mick. That is mean-spirited.

Wait.

What do you see?

What the...

Well? How was it?

How was what?

How was the trip?

You're in the future.

This isn't the future, you intergalactic idiot.

Actually, it is. Roughly 2.8 seconds into the future.

The maximum possible with our current power configuration.

But it took over a minute just to warm the thing up.

Yes, but the point is it worked.

-We just lost all that time. -Easy. Can you make it go backwards?

Backwards?

Backwards, he says. You can't go backwards in time.

That's...

That's impossible.

Why is that impossible?

It's not. Al just lost the components for going back in time.

Okay, so where are they?

He sent them back in time.

I was gonna go back and get them later.

Or was it earlier?

How did you make it here from another planet?

I drove.

That makes sense.

So, we're right back where we started?

Well, 2.8 seconds later from where you first started,

and then plus the warm-up phase and of course this argument...

Is there anything in place that actually works?

The decontamination systems actually work really well.

Hang on, what about the coaster?

Al, no.

-That's a really bad idea. -Well, do you have a better one?

What the heck is the coaster?

So, did you just make the skin suit, or...

-Interesting fact. -Here.

Be careful. It's still glitchy from last time.

You crash one blimp, and they spend 80 years giving you crap for it.

-So, what does it do? -I don't want this.

It's a short-range tele...

porter.

-Mick. -No, no, no!

Okay.

Where did you go?

Everywhere... Nowhere.

I don't think we should be playing with that...

You want out? Then this is your best option.

So, just press the button.

No. Don't press the button.

-And you'll have to touch each other. -Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, dude.

In a few minutes, anywhere's gonna be better than here.

Oh, God. I think the button's stuck.

This isn't so bad.

-Is it the cows? -Yeah.

It gets worse.

Really? This is worse?

Wait for it.

This looks important.

Is it still jammed?

Yep.

No, not again!

Of course I did. I did, I took...

Oh, God. It's like a temple to broken dreams.

-Hey, I think I fixed the button. -Push it!

I'm telling you, someone was right there.

Sweetheart, your eyesight is worse than your judgment.

Come on! We got rid of the other two!

And this one's a statue.

Can you please just call off the decon?

Well...

Oh, my spine.

Never mind.

-Oh, look, the button came loose. -No, no, no!

That's new.

Looks like the battery's dead.