Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Tasha, baby?

Yeah, Tony, what is it?

Let's run away tonight.

Baby?

Hello? Hello?

- Hello, are you there? - Yeah, I'm here.

Oh, did you lose service or something?

No, it's got full bars.

Oh, okay.

I can hear you just fine.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, I'll pick you up in 20 and we can be in Baja.

- 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning... - Wait, wait, hold on,

Tony, what are you talking about?

Do you have any sunscreen? I forgot to get some sunscreen.

Tony, are you being serious right now?

Remember when I said that I wanted to run away

with you to Mexico?

- Tony, what? - You said... You said yes.

I thought.

Tony, why would you believe anything

anyone says on the first date?

Because you said you knew from the start

we were meant to be together and we'd be together forever,

so, you know, I just thought we should take the next step.

I was three margaritas in

by the time you showed up.

...filter over your true emotions.

Tony, you don't even have a car, how would...

No, no, no. It's all good. It's all good.

I got a ride now.

What, your grandma's car?

No, no, I'm borrowing my friend's car.

I just left it at his house and I gotta go back and get it.

Tony...

Look, look, I got everything taken care of, I swear.

Tony, listen, I can't leave tonight.

I just ordered a really big pizza.

- Like a really big pizza. - Baby, look...

And I really wanna eat it fresh. It's on the way.

I'm kinda committed to this whole Mexico thing.

Committed? What do you mean committed?

You told me on the first date

that you weren't a commitment type of guy.

No, no, no. It's all good.

I don't even have a passport.

Do you have a passport?

You don't need one for Mexico.

He's not alone anymore.

Are you sure that's how it works?

Tasha.

Tasha, please.

The love I feel for you is like nothing I've ever felt.

It is more warm and pure

than the sand on the most beautiful fucking Mexican beach.

Just... Just come away with me. Come away with me and I swear,

I swear that you will feel the warmth of my love for the rest of your...

Hang on. My pizza's here.

I'll be right back.

Are you sure he's home?

Jesus Christ, what do you mean?

Of course, he's here. What else does this idiot...

There he is! There he is! There he is!

Kick it down.

No, I'm not gonna kick the fucking door down.

I want the motherfucker to open the door,

invite me in, so, I can kick his ass.

What the fuck? What the fuck are you...

- Hey! Hey! - Get out of my way.

Get the fuck...

- Goddamn it! - Will you just back off?

Kick it down, you mother...

I said back off!

You're gonna fucking shoot him. Wait!

All up in my shit.

Now back the fuck off!

Gotta fucking pull a gun out

all the goddamn time, like it's your dick or something.

Yes, get the fuck away from me.

It's my responsibility.

Hey, Tony, I'm back.

So, I've been doing some thinking

and... I think we should break up.

I just feel like we're not on the same page.

Like, we live in two different worlds, you know?

And, like, not just Mexico and America.

Tony?

Hello?

Well, I'll just text you. Bye.

I don't really feel like doing the homework.

That's like 15 minutes out of my day.

I don't know.

You know, I was thinking about dropping out of math.

I don't really like it. English, too.

Let's drop out of English.

Actually, I should just drop out entirely.

Save the taxpayers a couple of bucks...

Mike, you might wanna watch out for that car.

Mike!

Mike!

Mike, watch out!

Mike?

Kelsey, hi, how you doing?

Are you okay?

Whoa. You all right, buddy? You know, you gotta watch out,

it's a blind corner right here.

You good? Yeah, I'm good.

You're good, brother. Yo, Kelsey.

Chet.

I imagine a busy girl like yourself doesn't have too much time

to prep for the calc final, am I right?

Well, pointless chit chat with you

does kinda eat away at my free time.

Let's study together. Just name a day.

Sure, why not.

How about the second Tuesday of next week.

What day is that?

Oh, it's the 15th... of never.

Is there two Tuesdays next week?

Hey, Kelsey, for real though.

Hey, if you need a study buddy let me...

I'll break her eventually.

Yeah, you'll break her eventually.

- Cute ride. - Cute ride, bro.

I'm hungry. Fuck, let's go.

Dude, your mom makes bomb chimichangas.

That's not the last one is it?

No, there should be some more out there.

So...

when are you gonna ask her out?

Uh... What?

When are you going to ask her out?

I mean, her names your freaking email password, fuck's sake.

Why do you know my email...

Don't worry about semantics.

Listen, pick up your phone, call her, get a date with her.

I... I don't, I don't have her number.

It's cool, I do.

Wait, how do you have her number?

Stole Janice's phone in bio.

You stole Janice's phone?

- Yeah. We worked it out. - That's just not...

We're going on a date tonight.

Let's go, Mike, chop chop.

I lost my phone.

Underneath your clothes, by the desk.

- How did you know it... - They got an app for that.

Dude, why are you tracking my...

'Cause you lose everything you touch.

You'd lose your ball sack if it wasn't attached to you.

Look, you're still not doing what I told you.

Call her, it's not hard. Let's go step by step.

Dial 555-1138.

You're gonna press call, you're gonna take the phone

up to your ear, it's gonna ring once, twice, three times.

Don't be alarmed.

She might just be getting out of the shower,

about to wrap that towel around her upper body,

and then she's gonna pick up on the fourth ring.

Mike, I don't have all day.

On that fourth ring, you get to talk to her.

But if it goes on for a fifth ring,

then she might not pick up, 'cause on the sixth ring

it clicks dead, but I wouldn't worry about that

if I were you.

Hello?

Go, go, go. Pick it up.

- Hello? - Hello, Kelsey...

No, I'm not interested in buying industrial strength

commercial size garbage bags.

- Thanks. Stop calling. - Oh, no, no, no.

It's Mike. Mike from school.

Mike?

Yup.

Hey I didn't realize you had my number.

- Give it to me... - I can't lie to you.

Brett stole your phone number from Janice's phone.

Oh, my fucking God. Hey, Donna...

have you seen your son's ball sack anywhere?

Did you just yell "ball sack"?

- No, no, no. - I swear I just heard "ball sack."

It was Brett.

Brett has your ball sack?

No, he was saying if my mom seen my ball sack.

Your ball sack or his ball? I'm confused.

It was a metaphor. Uh...

Yeah, that's a... that's a problem.

Okay, look, just think back.

Let's retrace your steps.

Where do you feel like you last felt them?

I... I... I...

Tell me you found them.

Yup.

That was a close call.

I have my balls.

- So, is that why you called? - No, no. Uh...

I, um...

I like your music.

It's Jackson and Jackie.

Here, listen.

It's an eight-track player, by the way.

Eight-track?

Yeah.

Yeah, I actually pulled it out of the dumpster this morning.

Secretly.

Why secretly?

Well, uh, my mom threw it away, and when she throws things away

she never wants to see them again.

She threw out a bunch of old stuff, actually.

There's a VHS player with a tape inside.

Oh, which... which, uh, tape?

Titanic, tape one.

Seriously, I mean, how have we not talked

since, like, what, eighth grade?

I don't know, uh...

Kelsey!

Where the hell are you? Get in here.

I wanted this kitchen clean. This floor does not look clean.

How did I get stuck with a kid...

I'll be right there.

Hey, Mike, I gotta go.

- Kelsey! - Sorry.

Oh, yeah, no... no problem.

Do you... Are you busy later?

Uh... No.

No plans.

Do you want to hang out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pick me up at seven?

Yeah. Cool, I can do that.

Cool, I'll see you tonight.

See... See you tonight.

Kelsey!

Who the hell are you talking to?

Get off the phone...

"See you tonight"?

You're seeing her tonight?

I'm seeing her tonight, dude.

- You picking her up? - Yeah.

What car are you gonna use, the invisible one?

- I'll just drive the van. - Big back seat, nice.

- Except one problem. - What?

Your parents are leaving for Vegas.

No.

There's food in the fridge. All right?

You know what, Brett ate your last chimichanga, though.

I'm sorry. Have fun.

- There's beer in the refrigerator. - Mm-hm.

If you want to have a party, I'm okay with that.

But I'm...

I do not want any feet on my coffee table. That's my one rule, okay?

I just... I needed to borrow the car,

'cause I have... I have a date.

You have a date?

- Michael! - My man.

- That is great. - Good for you.

You know what, there's condoms upstairs

on your dads bedside table, so if you need to use 'em, get to it.

Hey, we don't want to become grandparents.

We sure don't, all right?

- But... - You take care.

Have fun, baby.

Well, date's off.

No, it's not, dude. You give up too quick. Check it.

Plain paint job, nice rims.

Got a working AC.

Not bad looking for a starter car.

You can swing, uh, three grand, right?

Can you just like stop being you for like two seconds?

Is that doable, maybe?

I only have 2,700.

Uh... Check your dad's condom drawer.

I think he has some cash in there.

- What? - Dude.

I have a date tonight.

I can't steal from my parents.

It's not stealing.

It's borrowing, and our whole economy's built off that.

And... sent.

Some guy named Dennis expects you in the morning,

or nowish, I don't know, I told him "some time."

Are you ready to own a vehicle?

Are you ready to be better than Chet?

Well, not better, he's better looking,

has a better car, and is probably gonna end up

taking your girl out, wining, dining, 69-ing.

That's how my dad met my mom.

Are you my dad?

Or are you the guy that could have been my dad?

- Hi there. - Uh... Hi.

How's it going?

Good, good.

- That's mine. - Oh, uh...

- Yeah. - You, uh...

Mike? Mike!

Yo, hey, Mike.

Mikey, how you doing? I just got your email.

Something with my modem. I have to keep rebooting it.

You know how these freaking cable companies are.

Yeah, it's Dennis, man, Dennis. How you doing?

You must have been on the way when I sent back.

What about the car? Where is she taking the car?

I just sold that one.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

But I got three more cars out here for you to see.

You're absolutely gonna love 'em.

Come on in, make yourself at home.

Look out for the cats.

They're everywhere, but they're fine.

You want a beer or something?

I'm fine. Thanks, though.

How 'bout a burrito? Dude, they're great with mustard.

Some homeless turned me on to them one day. He's out front eating it,

and I said, "Hey, what are you eating?"

He says, "A burrito. It's really good with mustard.

You want a bite?"

I said, "Well, what the hell, I'm adventurous."

I tried it, I went in and bought a dozen.

I'm telling you, they're fantastic.

Like the chicken myself. They're awesome, man.

So, uh...

Mr. Dennis.

Yo, what kid? I got a bum ear.

Just the car. I just wanted to know...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got two cars outside you're absolutely gonna love.

Fine automobiles, right up your alley.

Don't worry about it.

Say, you looking for a watch upgrade?

- Uh... - They're really good man.

Chinese construction, Swiss movement.

- I'm good, I'm good. - How 'bout a necklace? 28 karat gold.

Show your old lady how much you love her.

Uh... Thanks, but no thanks.

Watch out. Your feet.

It's got a bad motivator. Kinda got a mind of its own now.

It wound up in the backyard last week.

Hey, uh, Dennis... Hey, thanks for everything,

but I really... I gotta get going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid. Don't worry.

I got a car out here you're gonna love.

Come on, come on. Let me show it to you, let's go.

No finer car out here. 2,995.

Um...

Thanks and all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't go anywhere without test driving it.

Come on, kid, we'll take it for a little spin.

She's just warming up.

She's calling your name, Mike. Come on.

Come on, don't be shy. Have a look.

Come on in, kid. Come on, come on.

What the fuck is this?

Go on, put your foot in it.

Feel that?

That's 440 cubic inches under your right foot, baby.

She's got power to spare.

This thing runs like a scalded dog.

Two-and-half tons of fine American steel surrounding ya.

Who needs airbags when you got that kind of security?

This is when they made 'em solid and stout.

Baby, you hit something in this, you don't need an airbag,

because they're gonna know it, you're not.

You're gonna keep flying down the road.

And I know what you're thinking.

The paints kinda faded and the chromes not so bright,

but you don't want to blind people,

you want to catch their eye. You want to keep 'em glued to it.

This car right here will do it and the room.

Can you feel it?

It's like the great outdoors with leather.

This is Mikey's world right here.

This is your universe on four tires, baby.

Speaking of universe, look way out there in the end of the galaxy.

You're not gonna find more room in a backseat, if you know what I mean, right?

I got collectors from here to Missouri

kicking down my door, begging me to sell 'em this car.

Is...

What do you say?

...that an eight-track player?

What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you got a good eye kid.

Yeah, this the latest and greatest in high fidelity.

It's like the vinyl of car audio.

You know, as a matter of fact...

I'll even throw in some tapes.

Hey!

My condolences. You doing all right, hon?

Um... Yeah. Why?

Well clearly your grandpa just died

and he left you this very sturdy automobile here.

Um...

Or is that not how you came to be in possession

- of this car, young man? - No, no, I just bought it.

I just got it.

Funny.

Thought a kid like him would get himself

some sort of... neon green piece of shit sedan...

with spinning rims.

But voluntarily purchasing himself...

- What is this? - Chrysler, New Yorker.

A Chrysler New Yorker that got crapped out by 1966.

Mm. It is a '65.

A 1965.

That just don't sound like sober decision making to me, Davis.

We been doing any drinking today?

Uh... No, nope.

Any drug use?

No.

Marijuana? Because that does qualify.

I don't... I don't smoke.

Texting while driving.

No, see, I was just trying to...

Let me just take a look at your phone, please.

Thank you.

We're also gonna need license, registration,

- and proof of insurance. - Yeah. Um...

6:42 p.m., looks like Brett sent you a sext.

Yeah...

Registration, too.

And proof of insurance.

Oh yeah, I don't have it yet.

I just... I just bought the car.

But there is a registration card in this vehicle, right?

Registered by the previous owner.

Who is Kelsey?

Oh, um, Kelsey she's just probably wondering where I am,

'cause... ...we have a date.

- Sorry? - Just taking her out on a date.

- Oh, here you go. - Don't let him answer that.

Mr. Duchovny, sir.

- Hey. - Hey.

There's a thing called a GPS now. Have you tried it before?

Just, uh, gotta run a few errands.

I'll be there around eight, if that's cool?

Yeah, no problem.

- I'll see you then. - You better.

So, um...

Your running errands on date night, huh?

Uh-huh.

- I gotta go get some, uh... - Condoms.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Good boy.

Great.

Hey, uh, Dennis, I, um...

This stuff was in the car.

I think you left it in the glove box.

Dennis?

Uh... Dennis?

Hey, Dennis?

Mm.

This is not what it looks like at all.

Dennis.

I bought a car from here, from Dennis

and I found this in the glove compartment,

I just wanted to return it.

Hey!

No, please!

Damn, lady. I'm sorry.

Where's my husband?

I didn't...

Come on. Just get it together.

Shut up.

Just gotta get it... Just pull it.

I'm gonna shoot you anyway,

so you might as well just come out and get it over with.

Where's my husband?

Where is he?

Hey!

- Oh, God. - Hey! Get back here!

Whoa!

All right, let's just back up here.

The vacuum cleaner got out on the sidewalk how?

Um... I don't know.

I don't want your help.

I don't want your help!

Just get out of my house! Just get out of my house!

Just get out!

Get out.

I'm not a criminal.

What did I do? I didn't do anything.

Oh, yeah?

Don't answer that.

Kelsey!

Dinner.

Yo, Kelsey.

Shouldn't you be studying it up?

Kelsey, are you eating or going out?

Michael, thanks for calling us in

about knock on the noggin, we really appreciate it,

but I can't help but wonder

why were you even here in the first place?

I bought a car from Dennis.

Here's the paperwork right here, actually. My...

You were meant to be out romancing with Kelsey, right?

I...

I left my watch and actually speaking of time,

- I do have to get going... - If you don't take off your watch

and leave it at a complete stranger's house,

you wouldn't be late. Right?

I don't know how true that is.

Seeing as he hasn't taken off his watch in two years

and he's still late.

I told you I'd make it up to you.

Oh, yes, you will.

Who cares about a freaking watch?

I want to know who went to my house and took my husband?

Honey, we want those answers the same as you

but we gotta come at this from every angle, right?

'Cause your husband has got himself a record,

and you know that.

Michael, let's talk turkey. Got ourselves a missing person.

Got a burglary.

And we got you... here at the scene.

I didn't, I didn't take anything. I swear, I didn't.

You can check my car.

Okay, did you see anything of any value in here

that maybe someone else would of broken in for?

Anything.

Nothing out of the ordinary, no.

No?

Okay.

Is it okay if I leave though?

Yes, you're late.

- Michael. - Yes?

You might want your phone.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it. Go on, get out of here.

Would you get that?

So, Darla.

How do you know Tony?

- Missed a spot. - Oh.

So, uh, you change your mind on that study sesh?

Nope, taking out the trash.

Go on, that's your cue.

What?

I got it. That's funny.

I'm good for a joke. Not much else.

- Something wrong? - No, fine.

You seem a little down.

Do I?

You know if you ever need to get anything off your chest,

I'm your guy, right?

Something that I actually really love.

You know, being the sympathetic ear

for those who need it.

That must be a really hard life.

Being permanently attached to the side of somebody's head.

I mean, how do you deal with the earwax?

Do you, like, penetrate yourself with a really big Q-tip?

Are you seriously judging me based on my appearance?

Why can't a good looking, tri sport athlete

love being the person who shows up for a friend

when they need it?

All right, Chet.

Let's go for a ride.

Or should I leave you two alone?

Mike, money, check it out.

It's a secret.

No, we're not joining. Don't get the pamphlets.

Mrs. Madison, I'm here to pick up Kelsey.

Oh.

I see.

So you're the asshole that stood her up?

Look...

- Earl. - Yeah, yeah.

- Look who's here. - What's up, dear? What?

- Look who's here. - Yeah, what do you want?

Just looking for...

Come on, spit it out, kid. What do you want?

I'm really sorry I'm late, but I ran into an emergency,

and I promise I can make it up to her.

Yeah, yeah. What? Make it up to her?

What does that mean?

I... I just wanted to talk her. Is it okay if I talk to her right now?

- Like really quickly. - No.

She left with that neighbor kid.

Is that your heap on the driveway?

Oh look at that piece of... Wait, is that a '61 Impala?

What a piece of crap.

No, wait.

Okay, so he shoots Lenny and then the story ends.

Since we're just sitting around here waiting for shit.

Might as well talk about why he does that.

- What are you looking at me for? - You know why.

- Shut the fuck up! - Let's talk about the fucking books...

Titanic on VHS.

It's got two tapes.

I don't want you to think that...

Wonder where the VCR is.

That's what they do. The put a fucking bullet in the back of the head.

So what, he's too lazy to take care of a sick pet?

What? Is that what you're saying?

No, no. This has nothing to do with that.

Yes, it does. Yes it fucking does.

All right, George was too afraid.

He was too afraid to take care of Lenny.

He's too afraid to fucking man up,

put some hair on his fucking chest, and take the fall.

He takes the easy way out.

That is not true!

Yes, it is. It's right there in the book.

- He's fucking selfish. - It was a mercy killing.

It wasn't a fucking mercy killing.

George was covering for his fucking self.

Covering for himself for what?

In what world did he commit a crime?

Oh, my God, did you miss the part

where George does nothing while Lenny murders Curley's wife?

It wasn't murder. He's an idiot.

- How is he responsible... - He's actually mentally disabled.

- Shut up! - See, even he gets it. Asshole.

What the fuck? Is this the fucking PC police?

You know if your one job is to keep an eye one someone

that's not all there, then you lock that shit down. You don't fuck around

- with that shit. - What do you know about caring about anybody?

Oh, you've no fucking idea and an idiot is totally fucking different.

How so, Ricky?

Textbook example.

Hey, Ricky, you wanna watch Titanic?

Shut up. You know, Vince,

you've got zero awareness of how you effect other people,

- you know that? - It's a romance.

With your fucking words, with your fucking actions.

You just fly in like a big fucking wrecking ball

and you smash up everybody's shit

with no fucking regard. And you know, I'm getting sick and tired

- of having to hold you accountable... - Donnie!

Why the fuck are your feet on the coffee table?

No, you don't come into somebody's home

and disrespect the home by putting your fucking feet on the coffee table.

- You literally broke into this house. - It's common courtesy 101.

That is where people eat.

People don't eat on coffee tables.

But people don't eat off it. They just...

Do you like the taste of your own shit in your coffee?

- You don't even drink coffee. - Huh?

No.

When I pull my foot out of your ass,

I'm gonna wipe my shoe all over the fucking coffee table,

then you can taste all the bullshit,

shitty-ass, fucked up coffee that you want

and stop sucking face in front of everybody,

it's fucking disgusting!

Get involved in this goddamn book club,

or I'm gonna fucking start killing people, God damn it!

Do I have to start smoking inside?

Huh?

'Cause every time I step outside, for my smoke break,

you know, as an act of courtesy to you all,

when I come back in, everything has gone to shit.

So, maybe, I need to make you

start inhaling my fucking second-hand smoke.

You make them inhale your second-hand smoke, huh?

Just for the 2,000th fucking time...

just... tolerate each other

and then you can all go home,

and... we never have to see each other again.

What about book club?

Please.

Please.

Help me out here.

So we can stop playing fucking Brady Bunch.

Fucking Christ man!

Fuck, what do you do for an encore, a fucking Brazilian?

What the fuck?

Look, what time is it?

Anybody, ten o'clock?

Roughly ten o'clock, right? Ten o'clock on a Saturday night.

Where else do you think a kid with a new car would be?

Out on a cruise, joyriding. That's what these kids do.

That's what those cars are designed for.

Joyrides, it be fucking criminal if he was doing anything else, man. No pun intended.

That's what fucking concerns me.

- Dennis, right? - Yeah, yeah.

'Cause Tony, he was out on a joyride, too.

- Right? - Okay.

In that same exact fucking car that you let him borrow.

Remember what happened to Tony?

I didn't know all the shit he was in to.

He wanted to borrow a car, fine. It's a shit box, man.

It's worth 200 bucks. Think about it. Just think about it.

If I'd have known what the fuck Tony was up to,

you think for one fucking second

I would have sold that kid, Mikey, the fucking car?

No, no, man.

It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

For fuck's sake, man.

I could be a sailor, I could be a priest.

I could swear to you seven different ways

to fucking doomsday, but I swear to ya,

I don't know shit.

You don't know anything?

No.

Okay.

Well, let me tell you what I know.

I know that... that five star beach side resort

in the sky that Tony checked into,

I know that they're always

accepting new clientele, you know?

You know there's always a... vacancy open there...

and... Dennis...

if that fucking car does not show up...

I'm gonna check myself in.

But...

you're gonna check in first.

Come on, man, what are you doing? I've got...

Somebody give me a goddamn drill.

One second.

Excuse me. See I think...

- We used to own this car. - Right, yes, yes.

We used to own this car, I think.

Hey, hang on.

Yeah, it's still there. It looks good, too.

I redid the seat cover.

The blood wouldn't come out.

Oh, sorry. This was 1982.

We were out on the highway in the middle of nowhere.

No idea where I was, the cops are hightailing after us.

- I'm screaming like you wouldn't believe. - Right, right.

- And then my water broke. - Right, right.

- So, I gotta pull over. - It's our first born.

And the second I do, there's cops everywhere.

- They got their guns drawn. - They think he's a kidnapper.

They're hollering.

- They're telling us all... - I'm yelling, "Stop!

Somebody's gotta grab this baby coming out of me."

So, I'm just like, "Sorry, Officer, I gotta help my wife right now,

- you can arrest me later." - So at this point.

I've gotta... I've gotta stretch out.

Right, good thing it was a bench seat.

And I close my eyes and push.

And our little girl...

she just falls out into my arms.

And then the placenta pops out of me and hits him in the face,

and he falls backwards, but he does not drop our baby.

That's when I knew. World's greatest dad.

Oh.

Gosh.

- Time flies. - Hm.

Hey, this might be a little strange,

or, I don't know, rude, but...

Could we take the car out for a drive?

Oh, uh...

Well, you could go with us, of course.

I... I... I...

Yeah, we wouldn't run off with her.

We could pay you something.

No, no that's okay. I honestly should be getting...

Three hundred. What do you think?

Three hundred, is that good for, I don't know,

20 minutes, half an hour?

Well, we can pay you more if you want?

I don't know, a thousand?

- What? - That's okay, um...

It's... 300 is fine.

Thank you.

That's more than 300.

Let's go.

Kinda cold, do you want some heat?

You remember that?

How could I forget?

You wanna drive up there?

There's the turn.

Um... Where are we going?

The town's really changed.

I'll be darned.

I've never been up here before.

We came here on our first date.

Some things never change.

Is that it?

I'm sorry baby.

- Get off. - I'm sorry.

Take care of myself later.

Donnie.

Donnie.

Is that that stupid car?

- Bro. - What's up, Yoko Ono?

Fucking up somebody else's shit?

Calm down.

Hey, when's the last time you did something not named Mikaylah?

Listen man, the kid, his freaking car is right here,

right in front of my eyes, bro.

You know that spot, that make out spot with the dope-ass view?

I'm just gonna handle it real quick.

No, no, no you're not gonna handle shit. Okay, brain trust?

You remember the last time I had you handle something?

Do you remember Stanley?

My best friend in the whole world, Stanley,

do you remember that?

Hamsters are not aquatic, Lenny!

What the fuck is happening?

Donnie found the car.

Fucking go get it.

Um...

Hi.

Fuck! Get off her!

Jesus!

What the fuck?

Hey, let go of me!

Sorry, we're gonna have to kill you.

You saw our faces.

Should have wore a mask.

Shannon, knock it off.

Will both of you shut the fuck up and get this done?

Will you stop yelling?

I got somewhere to be and we all got a fucking book to read.

Yeah, well you can read it by your own damn self,

'cause after this jobs through, I'm fucking quitting.

You're quitting book club?

Yeah, I'm quitting book club

and being sucked into one bone-head job

after another and watching you fuck 'em all up.

- Real mature. - Over and over again.

- Real fucking mature. - I can set my watch to your fucking screw ups.

What are we gonna do without you?

Anyone can do my job, dumb ass.

No, they can't.

You want to quit? Then get the fuck out of here.

I'll do your part. I'll shoot all three of these motherfuckers and load them in the car.

- You can't fucking shoot them. Of course you... - Why are you still talking?

You just said you're gonna fucking quit.

I don't quit in the middle of shit.

You literally just said you're gonna quit.

I said I'm quitting after.

- And leave us to do all the fucking work. - I fucking said I quit after,

- you fucking asshole. - What the fuck?

- That's exactly what you said. - Do you not understand me?

Do you not hear the words that are coming out of your fucking mouth?

- Chill out, Vince. - Where the fuck is Donnie? I need to hit someone.

Should we help them?

Nope.

It's not like I could help, anyway.

Why are you just regurgitating those stupid shit comments that Vince makes about you?

I mean, what's Vince even doing?

Sitting around on his ass, talking about that lame-ass book.

It's not even a book. It's a novella.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, fucking... Jeez!

Babe, you're a badass.

That's generous.

Are you gonna kick some ass for me?

Quit fucking fighting me.

You want this, huh?

Open your fucking mouth.

Hit 'em, baby, hit 'em.

What the fuck?

Get him in the car!

Get him in the car!

God damn it! This fucking day is shit!

Goddamn it! My fingers.

Go! Just go! Drive!

It's not starting! It's not starting!

Go!

Brett.

You're never gonna guess where we are right now.

No, no. No, Brett.

- Cosmic bowling, dude. - Brett, I need your help.

Listen. Brett, Brett.

- Everybody here sucks. - No, Brett, listen.

That's right! Pick it up! Pick it up.

That's down.

That's a strike! Well, close, but that's a strike!

Are you okay?

Roger?

Roger?

Mike?

Mike!

Hey.

The cops are gonna be here soon. I'm just letting you know.

And your grandma's awake.

So, if you want to come back and see her, you can.

What about grandpa?

He's dead.

I know, I know this is what everyone says,

but I swear to you that...

It's not what it looks like.

You're holding it for a friend?

Spacemen made you do it?

Okay, hold on.

Okay, um...

You know that I got the car today,

but that stuff must have been in there before I got it,

and I swear to you, it's... it's not mine.

It's not.

It's not his.

It's not his.

Thanks.

- It's ours. - What?

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Good boy.

Thank you, Tony!

Wait.

My...

Yeah, that's my gutter queen!

Oh, my God, Jurassic Park.

I got a pet velociraptor.

What did you do for Kelsey, Mike?

Hey, hey.

- Hey, stop, stop, stop. - Hey, stop, stop.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you waving your goddamn gun at the fucking thing?

Because I'm trying to get the fucking idiot to stop.

Fuck's sakes!

- Fuck you, all right? - In your wildest fucking dreams.

Oh, God, that makes me want to fucking vomit.

Boom! I get knocked right across the face with a flashlight.

I get... I'm knocked down on the ground,

the other cop, he just starts kicking me and kicking me,

and then right after that, he snorts cocaine.

He just snorted cocaine, then they just take the car

and throw my bike out and then run it over,

and yeah, that's...

that's how I'm late.

At least you still have your ball sack.

I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't have to third wheel with Chet and the Porsche.

More like a fifth wheel.

So, there's a spare tire, then?

No, the donut. That you really shouldn't even drive on.

That was me.

- You didn't even make it more than 50 miles, then? - No, thank God

Are you sure you don't need like an ice pack or something?

Um... I actually don't like it when it's too cold

on the wound, it's weird.

- I don't know. - What, why?

I don't know. Um...

- Like, 'cause... - You're sensitive.

What?

Why are you embarrassed?

More people could use a little more of that.

Like my parents.

Okay your mom did talk about my car a lot.

It's ugly, but I honestly just thought it was me...

showing up late.

No, they're great at reminding me how shitty I am.

What makes you say that?

That doesn't sound like something...

Something I would say?

Not really.

Why?

I mean, you...

You get a lot of things right and I feel like you know that.

Oh, so you're calling me arrogant?

- No, no. I just... - I'm over confidant.

- No, Kelsey, you're... - I'm...

Kelsey, you're perfect... perfectly confident.

Nobody's perfect, Mike.

Okay, well, if we were all made out of oatmeal...

What?

Listen, and like Goldilocks walked in, okay,

- she'd pick your bowl. - Oh, okay, yeah.

- Be the bowl she picked. - So, the asshole, arrogant, swollen head oatmeal

- is over there? - Exactly. And then, I'm on the other side of that.

- Well, that's not fun. - You're in the middle.

Oh, okay, so we're next to each other?

- Yeah, totally, yeah. - Okay, well...

This bowl right here is big enough for both of us.

I mean, that's Goldilocks' bowl. I can't touch that. That's...

Yeah, but it's nice over here.

Not too warm?

- Not too cold. - Yeah?

Well, uh...

Actually, um...

- Do you want to... - Come in?

Do you want... Yeah.

Finally.

Could of swore I locked the door.

- This is it. - Nice place.

This is our humble abode.

- Welcome. - Oh, wow.

Who is this?

That's... That's me.

So, this was taken yesterday, obviously.

You want like a beer or something?

Yeah, sure.

Wow, two sinks, huh?

Oh, yeah, we're kinda fancy out here.

- Should I take my shoes off? - No, no, you're fine.

Just don't put your feet on the coffee table,

'cause my mom will have, like, a heart attack,

and yeah, so no feet.

Um, I think, yeah, Brett took all the beer,

but we have soda...

Please stop goddamn moving.

Don't... Don't fucking move.

Get out from behind the fucking fridge.

Move... Move from behind...

Move from behind the fridge! And close the goddamn door.

You're letting all the cold air out.

Now, where's the fucking car?

Um...

I, um...

I don't have it.

I swear, I'm not lying. I don't have the car.

I swear, just don't point it at her.

Well, I'm feeling a little bit fucking confused.

A little confused right now,

because this patron saint of the neighborhood,

he swore to me that he sold it to you... today.

Well, technically, it was yesterday,

it's past midnight, so...

Hey, hey I swear. I don't have the car, man.

A couple of cops, they came and they took it from me and they jumped me...

Just don't, no. Just stop speaking.

I have been listening to idiots speaking,

and excusing for the last week-and-a-half,

and now, when all I want to do...

is just drown myself in hard alcohol, I can't.

'Cause one fucking idiot shot another fucking idiot,

fucking up instructions so goddamn simple,

my poor sweet nana, who had Alzheimer's by the way,

she could have rolled out of the goddamn grave

and done it herself.

I swear to Christ.

It's just like that fucking short story, Of Mice and Men,

with the fucking... the big guy...

It's a novella, actually.

Oh, God.

Am I the fucking idiot?

I'm the fucking idiot. It's me.

I'm the fucking idiot.

Excuse me.

Don't fucking move.

Hello?

- Oh, you finally pick up. - Yeah, what?

Yeah, we need fucking...

Well, what the fuck is going on?

I'm losing you. Do you have... Hello? Hello?

I can't...

I know how to find the car!

I know how to find the car! I know... I know how to find it.

What?

My phone... I dropped it in the car

before the cops took it. I can track it on that app.

I lose my phone all the time. Anyways, I can track it,

it can tell us exactly where they are, but, um...

sir, if we show you, you have to...

you have to let us go and you can't kill anyone.

Mikey, is it?

Mike.

Mike. Thank you.

Mike.

If I don't get my fucking drugs...

I'm gonna kill everyone.

Mm-hm.

Um... Okay. So, give me one sec.

Looks like it's in the middle of nowhere.

Not fucking good enough. An address.

Okay, all right. Sorry.

Do you see that?

Do you know what, I just wiped my feet

all over you with a single fucking sentence?

That's why you are where you are right now.

I bet you let your friends treat you like shit, too, huh?

Like you know anything about friends.

What?

What?

- What? - Hm? Friends?

I know plenty about fucking friendship.

Goddamn... What's your name?

Kelsey.

Kelsey, why don't you take a look at this motherfucker right here?

Hm? And see what happens to rude goddamn fucking people

who fuck with people who have goddamn guns in their hands.

Hey, Mike, take it from me, this one,

she's going to steamroll over you,

I swear to god, she is.

Oh, my God.

- What the fuck are you... - Kid's got a fucking point.

Oh, my God.

You walk in the room and all you do

is sour the fucking atmosphere like a fart in church, man.

Hey, look in the... I've got duct tape.

Oh, phone call. Must be the book club.

- Hey, what's their next book? - Hey, look at me.

- Hello? - Where the fuck are you guys?

Oh, I don't know. Trying to hitch a ride at 3:00 a.m.

on the scenic road to east of fucking Eden

while Donnie's playing demolition derby...

- Sounds like Vince. Double digit IQ. - Huh?

So excuse me for not picking up the phone. I was fucking...

Shut the fuck up and listen to me for a second.

We are tracking the car right now.

Where are you?

Listen to me, we're tracking the fucking car.

Cap, hello?

The fucking... Show me the fucking screen.

- Come on! Where... Where... - Cup of coffee.

No cream, no sugar. I'll take it black. I don't care.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Find it!

Okay, it's still loading.

- Ten... - Okay. Whoa! Whoa!

...nine, eight... Hey! What the fuck?

- You see that? - I'm gonna find it.

Work the fucker.

- Okay, okay. - This thing got autopilot?

Oh, it's right here.

Give it to me. It is off of Wilson Road.

Five miles past Maury's Diner.

- What's the address? - Huh?

What's the fucking address?

Use the odometer and your fucking eyeballs,

and figure it the fuck out!

What the fuck is going on now?

Fuck!

Take the fucking mask off. It's got mace on it, stupid.

It's all right. It's just in my eyes.

All right, come on.

I'm gonna wash it for ya. Come on.

Really?

I don't want you breathing in that toxic shit.

It might kill you or something.

How am I supposed to find it without a fucking address or a car?

My car just fucking...

Donnie!

Donnie! Donnie! Stop that truck!

Donnie, no, don't let her leave! Donnie, don't let her leave!

If I'm gonna die, I'd like to at least die

at the hand's somebody that would know

how to pour piss out of a boot without having to read

the instructions on the fucking heel.

Hey, reach in the glove box.

There's duct tape in there, give it to me.

- Hand it to me. - Oh, great, more tape.

- Thanks, sport. - Shut the fuck...

Go around.

Hit the lights.

Hand me the fucking keys.

The keys.

Okay.

Everybody out of the fucking car.

All right. I'm not supposed to say anything

but between me and you, word on the street is

one of Tony's dumb ass dudes shot him through a door.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Look, you can't make these things up, right?

Are you saying his own dude?

Look, okay, first of all.

I was talking to the boss, he said, on the phone,

this dude sounded like the biggest idiot he ever heard

and you know...

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

That noise out there.

Mike.

Probably coyotes, or werewolves, or something.

I fucking heard it.

Go.

What the fuck?

What are you gonna do? Crawl through a vent somewhere?

I don't know, maybe.

Do like a human shield, or something.

Yeah, you can go first.

Eye contact.

You are very fucking rude, and let me tell you something,

it's not gonna get you far.

Just give me a fucking idea.

Hey, be fucking quiet.

Ow!

Go to sleep. God damn it!

Go to sleep. That's it. That's it. That's it. Shh!

God! Fucking Christ!

Hey, stop.

Stop.

Are you... Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah, just got to get his keys.

Where... Where's Dennis?

What is he doing?

Date night just keep getting better and better, don't it?

Look at this.

Hammer time.

Good shit right here.

Nice.

Michael.

Thought we were done with you.

Ah, Tony. Son of a bitch.

Dennis, your wife is worried sick about you, by the way.

And you look familiar.

Think There's a photograph on a file on my desk.

You get a break.

You get a break, we all get a break.

- Tony's file. - Fuck off, doughnut!

Excuse me?

Hey.

Sir, hey, hi.

Hey, sir.

Hello.

That... That is my score.

Me! I'm the one that brought that to you.

We've been talking for weeks.

All right, so I don't know how...

what the fuck happened?

UPS, FedEx.

Fucking Pony Express.

I don't care who delivers my product.

The key word there, though, is "delivery."

Ah! Ah! See that's bullshit.

Hey, doughnut. What was the name of the guy, his gang member,

the one he shot through the door?

That was Tony.

Tony. Now that... that's just poor leadership.

Fucking love the boss.

That... I didn't... That wasn't me that shot him,

that was a guy that works for me.

Open it up, show her.

Just like a fucking cop.

Wiping your ass with a hard-working civilian.

Whoa, whoa. Did I just hear him right?

Did he just volunteer to die first?

- Mm-hm. - I was tuning him out, I wasn't listening.

I assumed you would want to kill Michael first.

Oh. Excuse me, sorry.

we're just trying to get out to clear the mess.

We got a lot of body weight

for just a couple trash bags.

Oh, these are not just trash bags.

These are industrial strength, commercial grade,

- contractor bags. - Really?

Yeah. Man, we got these from Lowes.

Hold a big load, no tears, no spills.

They don't leak at all?

No ma'am.

I've used these. They fucking leak.

- $3.99 a box on aisle three. - Very good.

Right next to the industrial hardware.

Don't touch him!

Sorry, do we need a bag underneath him before we shoot?

Five miles past the fucking diner?

This is fucking weird. I don't like it.

Looks like fucking... "Hills Has Eyes" or Deliverance.

- Hills Have Eyes. - Uh, hey, guys.

- I think he's over there. - What the fuck?

Everybody, get down! Everybody, get fucking down!

Motherfucker!

- What took so goddamn long? - I don't know.

What the fuck are you doing? What's all this shit?

- Jesus Christ! - Get the fuck away.

Put your guns down or I'll explode.

Wait a second!

Everybody, just wait one second.

We need to take a moment to think and be civil,

and I assure you, we can all get what we need...

from this situation.

- What do you want? - The coke.

And the product is on the premises,

- we have an arrangement. - Absolutely.

All of you, what do you want?

We want our boss.

Yeah. This man?

- Yeah. - That's right.

Yeah, we're not leaving here without him.

- That's right. - That's right. - Yeah, all right.

Yeah, and you know what, we're not leaving without the money either.

- That's right. - Oh, I think there's money enough for more than one party.

- What the fuck? - No, hear me out, okay.

We both deserve to be compensated for the work we've done,

but since we actually did deliver the product,

- I propose 60/40 split. - That's fucking bullshit!

Are you kidding?

Do you know how much fucking work

I just did to get this fucking shit together?

I got my fucking hand slammed in the fucking door.

- I had to hitchhike... - Who fucking cares?

Okay, we can just kill him now. It's no skin off my nose.

No, no, you're not gonna kill any.

You know what? You know what?

I dare you to pull the fucking trigger.

I'll just kill him right now.

Guys, shut the fuck up!

I'll fucking waste you, you fucking pig.

- How do you feel about that? - ...the fucking shot.

Hey! Can we do 50/50 plus a long term partnership?

Donnie...

I'll put your fucking nuts in a jar.

Shut up!

We already did this on accident.

They were able to bring the drugs easy because they're cops.

If we let them deliver for us in the future, it'd be safer...

for all of us, right?

That's a fine proposal.

He must be the genius of their group, boss.

Donnie, that's... that's actually not a bad idea.

Are we fucking good? Can I... Can I go now?

What about these three? They seen our faces, they still need to go.

You should have worn a fucking mask!

They're our responsibility...

and we will handle them as soon as we all take a breath...

and lower our weapons.

On three.

One...

...two...

three.

Go ahead and lower.

- Easy 'em down, guys. - Bring 'em down, boys.

Oh, Jesus!

Dennis!

Get me the fuck outta here!

All right give me your shell. A fucking shell!

Donnie!

We have to get out of here.

- Motherfucker. - Fucking light 'em up!

Come on.

Shannon.

Look at me.

Get the fucking money.

The bag! Get the fucking bag!

- Go, go, go! - Out there. Go, go!

Go, go, go.

Fuck you!

Shannon! Shannon! Go get the money.

You can do it! You can do it!

- What the fuck? - Jesus Christ!

- All right, Captain. - No wait, Shannon, stop!

Fuck.

I'm out! I'm out!

Fuck!

Fucker!

I'm out.

Yeah.

Fuck!

- Shannon! - Fuck!

Come on, bring him back, come on!

- What do we do? - Who's left over?

Who do we got?

We could take that truck right there.

What if it's locked?

What if there are no keys?

I got you. You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be fine, don't worry about it.

Fuck!

- Leave it. - You're gonna be fine.

- Leave my mask on. - Shannon.

Leave it.

Hey, lot of books to read, all right?

You can come over to my place.

We'll watch fucking Titanic, all right?

Shannon?

Shannon?

- No. - No!

Fuck!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck! Fuck you!

I'm out! I'm out! I'm out!

You're gonna get fucking shot, you crazy bitch.

Fuckers! Come on! That's right.

Oh, shit.

Go, go. Get the fuck out of here! God damn it!

You can thank me later for saving your fucking life.

No, Vince!

You motherfuckers!

I'm gonna fucking kill every one of you.

Donnie.

Motherfucker!

Fucking shoot them. Fuck you!

We gotta get those keys.

Mike.

We can do it.

Let's do this.

It's not good enough.

Where are the keys?

Reload.

Oh, shit. We gotta go.

Let's go! Go, go!

Oh, shit!

Fuck 'em, I'm leaving.

What... What do we do?

We don't call the cops, that's for fucking sure.

Yeah, I totally agree.

You should have let me drive, Davis.

I drive. I always drive. You shoot.

- Mike! - Yeah?

They have a gun.

On a scale of one to ten,

how much fun are you having right now?

Eight point six out of ten.

That's how bad it hurts right now, bro.

- Nice guys finish last. - I thought we had something.

It's like, it's like girls speak in code.

And I'm no Nick Cage.

I'm no Nick Cage, I can't crack codes that fast.

No one can.

I'd fail in a National Treasure scenario.

We all would.

We all would.

What's the plan, Mike?

Um... Stay alive. I don't know. I don't...

Well, is there something we can throw out the window?

- Uh... - Pop a tire or something?

- You shoot them? - I am shooting them.

You're shooting around them. Shoot them.

Kid! Hey, Mike!

You are not the fucking man for this job.

Give me the...

Oh, shit. God damn it.

Let me drive the fucking car!

Hey, get off!

Jesus! Watch the fucking road.

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

Fucking maniac!

- Fuck! - Just get in the car, sit down.

- I'm out. - Sit down.

I'm out, Davis.

What are you doing?

I got more rounds in my pistol.

- I said get back in the car. - Davis, I got it.

I said, sit down.

Sit.

Now.

I'll do it myself.

Mike! Throw something out the window.

Let me drive the fucking car.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

Get off me.

Jesus!

You started this.

I told you you should have let me drive.

I told you... I would do this myself.

Whoa!

Holy shit!

No!

You are so fucking rude!

Mike! Mike!

Oh, shit!

Kelsey.

Are you... You okay?

Yeah.

Is that?

Mike?

Mike?

Get out of the car! Put your hands up!

You gotta have a horseshoe up your ass, man.

Where are the others?

You're like the luckiest son of a bitch I know.

- Money, drugs, where is it? - It's in the car.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What is it?

Baby, what is it?

Is that the guy?

What do we do?

We gotta do something. We gotta...

That's the guy who did it. What do we do?

Dennis, what do we do?

Do you want to kill him?

Do you want to?

Stop!

Stop!

I... I, um...

I can't... I can't let you kill him.

Hey, um...

Don't...

Don't be like them.

I know you're scared, okay. I...

I've been scared my whole life.

It's okay.

You heard him.

Take a walk.

Well, I hope you're feeling all fucking warm and fuzzy

and all that good shit, kid.

'Cause I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Baby, we happy?

- Yeah. - We are happy.

Keys.

You know, kid, we're kinda doing you a huge favor here.

You're walking off with a scot-free record.

As far as anybody else is concerned,

you ain't ever seen this fucking car.

Let's go, baby. I'm following you.

I got no GPS in here.

Tony, I love you forever, brother.

Come on, baby, let's hit it. We got daiquiris to drink.

Adios, Mikey.

I think we should call Brett now.

Yeah.

Um... Shit, um...

I left my phone in the car.

Sorry.

Are you finished with the phone, dear?

Uh... Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Would you like some coffee?

Yes, please.

It's our special roast.

Night's still young.

You know, if you would have just told me

you didn't have a car,

I could have picked you up.

Um... Brett said he's on the way

to come pick us up and take us home... soon.

- Hm. - Yeah.

But... it's Brett....

so...

He'll take forever.

Mike.

Mike, come on!

It's late, you woke me up for this.

Mike, I broke 30 laws just to get here for you.

You come out now. I don't have all night.

You interrupted my REM cycle.

Bring me that coffee, right now.

Two sugars, Mike.

I need two sugars in that coffee.

Mike.

Two sugars, Mike.

Hey, Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Stop, I've got a backseat.

Mike, get out here!

I hope you're thinking of me while kissing her.

Kelsey, he's inexperienced.

Don't trust him, he doesn't know what he's doing.

Mike!

Can I at least join?

Mike. Mike, I saw that smile.

You, me, Janice, Kelsey.

We've all had the thought, like.

I swear, Mike, Janice will be a lot more into it.

Bro, there's pancakes.

Mike, give me the pancakes.

Mike, bro. Bro, turn around.

Get those pancakes for me.

I gotta get up in like two hours.

Mike!

Mike, Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Quick, hurry.

I'm gonna fill her up, okay?

Oh, the only way to do it, right?

We're not shy in this family.

Mm-hm.

Honey, should we call the house?

- Why? - Just to check in...

Whoa, no, no, no. No, no, no.

- It's fine. - What?

He's fine.

I hope no one has their feet on my coffee table, I know that.

Mm. Sweetheart, relax. It's Michael.

What could possibly be going wrong?

Seriously?