All language subtitles for First.Date.2021.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Tasha, baby?

Yeah, Tony, what is it?

Let's run away tonight.

Baby?

Hello? Hello?

- Hello, are you there?
- Yeah, I'm here.

Oh, did you lose service
or something?

No, it's got full bars.

Oh, okay.

I can hear you just fine.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, I'll pick you up in 20
and we can be in Baja.

- 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning...
- Wait, wait, hold on,

Tony,
what are you talking about?

Do you have any sunscreen?
I forgot to get some sunscreen.

Tony, are you being
serious right now?

Remember when I said that
I wanted to run away

with you to Mexico?

- Tony, what?
- You said... You said yes.

I thought.

Tony, why would you
believe anything

anyone says on the first date?

Because you said you knew from
the start

we were meant to be together
and we'd be together forever,

so, you know, I just thought we
should take the next step.

I was three margaritas in

by the time you showed up.

...filter over
your true emotions.

Tony, you don't even
have a car, how would...

No, no, no.
It's all good. It's all good.

I got a ride now.

What, your grandma's car?

No, no,
I'm borrowing my friend's car.

I just left it at his house
and I gotta go back and get it.

Tony...

Look, look, I got everything
taken care of, I swear.

Tony, listen,
I can't leave tonight.

I just ordered
a really big pizza.

- Like a really big pizza.
- Baby, look...

And I really wanna eat it
fresh. It's on the way.

I'm kinda committed
to this whole Mexico thing.

Committed? What do you
mean committed?

You told me on the first date

that you weren't a commitment
type of guy.

No, no, no.
It's all good.

I don't even have
a passport.

Do you have a passport?

You don't need one
for Mexico.

He's not alone anymore.

Are you sure
that's how it works?

Tasha.

Tasha, please.

The love I feel for you is like
nothing I've ever felt.

It is more warm and pure

than the sand on the most
beautiful fucking Mexican beach.

Just... Just come away with me.
Come away with me and I swear,

I swear that you will feel the warmth
of my love for the rest of your...

Hang on.
My pizza's here.

I'll be right back.

Are you sure he's home?

Jesus Christ,
what do you mean?

Of course, he's here.
What else does this idiot...

There he is! There he is!
There he is!

Kick it down.

No, I'm not gonna kick the
fucking door down.

I want the motherfucker to open
the door,

invite me in,
so, I can kick his ass.

What the fuck?
What the fuck are you...

- Hey! Hey!
- Get out of my way.

Get the fuck...

- Goddamn it!
- Will you just back off?

Kick it down,
you mother...

I said back off!

You're gonna
fucking shoot him. Wait!

All up in my shit.

Now back the fuck off!

Gotta fucking pull a gun out

all the goddamn time,
like it's your dick or something.

Yes,
get the fuck away from me.

It's my responsibility.

Hey, Tony, I'm back.

So, I've been doing
some thinking

and...
I think we should break up.

I just feel like we're not on
the same page.

Like, we live in two different
worlds, you know?

And, like, not just Mexico
and America.

Tony?

Hello?

Well, I'll just text you. Bye.

I don't really feel like doing
the homework.

That's like 15 minutes
out of my day.

I don't know.

You know, I was thinking about
dropping out of math.

I don't really like it.
English, too.

Let's drop out of English.

Actually,
I should just drop out entirely.

Save the taxpayers
a couple of bucks...

Mike, you might wanna watch out
for that car.

Mike!

Mike!

Mike, watch out!

Mike?

Kelsey, hi, how you doing?

Are you okay?

Whoa. You all right, buddy?
You know, you gotta watch out,

it's a blind corner right here.

You good?
Yeah, I'm good.

You're good, brother.
Yo, Kelsey.

Chet.

I imagine a busy girl like
yourself doesn't have too much time

to prep for the calc final,
am I right?

Well,
pointless chit chat with you

does kinda eat away
at my free time.

Let's study together.
Just name a day.

Sure, why not.

How about the second Tuesday
of next week.

What day is that?

Oh, it's the 15th... of never.

Is there two Tuesdays
next week?

Hey, Kelsey, for real though.

Hey, if you need a study buddy
let me...

I'll break her eventually.

Yeah, you'll break her
eventually.

- Cute ride.
- Cute ride, bro.

I'm hungry.
Fuck, let's go.

Dude, your mom makes bomb
chimichangas.

That's not the last one is it?

No, there should be some more
out there.

So...

when are you gonna ask her out?

Uh... What?

When are you going to
ask her out?

I mean, her names your freaking
email password, fuck's sake.

Why do you know my email...

Don't worry about semantics.

Listen, pick up your phone,
call her, get a date with her.

I... I don't,
I don't have her number.

It's cool, I do.

Wait,
how do you have her number?

Stole Janice's phone in bio.

You stole Janice's phone?

- Yeah. We worked it out.
- That's just not...

We're going on a date tonight.

Let's go, Mike, chop chop.

I lost my phone.

Underneath your clothes,
by the desk.

- How did you know it...
- They got an app for that.

Dude, why are you tracking my...

'Cause you lose
everything you touch.

You'd lose your ball sack if it
wasn't attached to you.

Look, you're still not doing
what I told you.

Call her, it's not hard.
Let's go step by step.

Dial 555-1138.

You're gonna press call,
you're gonna take the phone

up to your ear, it's gonna ring
once, twice, three times.

Don't be alarmed.

She might just be getting out of
the shower,

about to wrap that towel around
her upper body,

and then she's gonna pick up on
the fourth ring.

Mike, I don't have all day.

On that fourth ring,
you get to talk to her.

But if it goes on
for a fifth ring,

then she might not pick up,
'cause on the sixth ring

it clicks dead,
but I wouldn't worry about that

if I were you.

Hello?

Go, go, go.
Pick it up.

- Hello?
- Hello, Kelsey...

No, I'm not interested in buying
industrial strength

commercial size garbage bags.

- Thanks. Stop calling.
- Oh, no, no, no.

It's Mike. Mike from school.

Mike?

Yup.

Hey I didn't realize you
had my number.

- Give it to me...
- I can't lie to you.

Brett stole your phone number
from Janice's phone.

Oh, my fucking God.
Hey, Donna...

have you seen your son's
ball sack anywhere?

Did you just yell "ball sack"?

- No, no, no.
- I swear I just heard "ball sack."

It was Brett.

Brett has your ball sack?

No, he was saying if my mom seen
my ball sack.

Your ball sack or his ball?
I'm confused.

It was a metaphor. Uh...

Yeah, that's a...
that's a problem.

Okay, look, just think back.

Let's retrace your steps.

Where do you feel
like you last felt them?

I... I... I...

Tell me you found them.

Yup.

That was a close call.

I have my balls.

- So, is that why you called?
- No, no. Uh...

I, um...

I like your music.

It's Jackson and Jackie.

Here, listen.

It's an eight-track player,
by the way.

Eight-track?

Yeah.

Yeah, I actually pulled it out
of the dumpster this morning.

Secretly.

Why secretly?

Well, uh, my mom threw it away,
and when she throws things away

she never
wants to see them again.

She threw out
a bunch of old stuff, actually.

There's a VHS player
with a tape inside.

Oh, which... which, uh, tape?

Titanic, tape one.

Seriously, I mean,
how have we not talked

since, like, what, eighth grade?

I don't know, uh...

Kelsey!

Where the hell are you?
Get in here.

I wanted this kitchen clean.
This floor does not look clean.

How did I get stuck
with a kid...

I'll be right there.

Hey, Mike, I gotta go.

- Kelsey!
- Sorry.

Oh, yeah, no... no problem.

Do you... Are you busy later?

Uh... No.

No plans.

Do you want to hang out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pick me up at seven?

Yeah. Cool, I can do that.

Cool, I'll see you tonight.

See... See you tonight.

Kelsey!

Who the hell are you
talking to?

Get off the phone...

"See you tonight"?

You're seeing her tonight?

I'm seeing her tonight, dude.

- You picking her up?
- Yeah.

What car are you gonna use,
the invisible one?

- I'll just drive the van.
- Big back seat, nice.

- Except one problem.
- What?

Your parents are leaving for
Vegas.

No.

There's food in the fridge.
All right?

You know what, Brett ate your
last chimichanga, though.

I'm sorry. Have fun.

- There's beer in the refrigerator.
- Mm-hm.

If you want to have a party,
I'm okay with that.

But I'm...

I do not want any feet on my coffee table.
That's my one rule, okay?

I just...
I needed to borrow the car,

'cause I have...
I have a date.

You have a date?

- Michael!
- My man.

- That is great.
- Good for you.

You know what,
there's condoms upstairs

on your dads bedside table,
so if you need to use 'em, get to it.

Hey, we don't want
to become grandparents.

We sure don't, all right?

- But...
- You take care.

Have fun, baby.

Well, date's off.

No, it's not, dude.
You give up too quick. Check it.

Plain paint job, nice rims.

Got a working AC.

Not bad looking
for a starter car.

You can swing, uh, three grand,
right?

Can you just like stop being you
for like two seconds?

Is that doable, maybe?

I only have 2,700.

Uh... Check your dad's
condom drawer.

I think he has some cash
in there.

- What?
- Dude.

I have a date tonight.

I can't steal from my parents.

It's not stealing.

It's borrowing, and our whole
economy's built off that.

And... sent.

Some guy named Dennis expects
you in the morning,

or nowish, I don't know,
I told him "some time."

Are you ready to own a vehicle?

Are you ready to be
better than Chet?

Well, not better,
he's better looking,

has a better car,
and is probably gonna end up

taking your girl out,
wining, dining, 69-ing.

That's how my dad met my mom.

Are you my dad?

Or are you the guy
that could have been my dad?

- Hi there.
- Uh... Hi.

How's it going?

Good, good.

- That's mine.
- Oh, uh...

- Yeah.
- You, uh...

Mike? Mike!

Yo, hey, Mike.

Mikey, how you doing?
I just got your email.

Something with my modem.
I have to keep rebooting it.

You know how these freaking
cable companies are.

Yeah, it's Dennis, man, Dennis.
How you doing?

You must have been
on the way when I sent back.

What about the car?
Where is she taking the car?

I just sold that one.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

But I got three more cars out
here for you to see.

You're absolutely gonna love
'em.

Come on in,
make yourself at home.

Look out for the cats.

They're everywhere,
but they're fine.

You want a beer or something?

I'm fine. Thanks, though.

How 'bout a burrito?
Dude, they're great with mustard.

Some homeless turned me on to them one day.
He's out front eating it,

and I said,
"Hey, what are you eating?"

He says, "A burrito.
It's really good with mustard.

You want a bite?"

I said, "Well, what the hell,
I'm adventurous."

I tried it, I went in
and bought a dozen.

I'm telling you,
they're fantastic.

Like the chicken myself.
They're awesome, man.

So, uh...

Mr. Dennis.

Yo, what kid?
I got a bum ear.

Just the car.
I just wanted to know...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got two cars
outside you're absolutely gonna love.

Fine automobiles,
right up your alley.

Don't worry about it.

Say, you looking for
a watch upgrade?

- Uh...
- They're really good man.

Chinese construction,
Swiss movement.

- I'm good, I'm good.
- How 'bout a necklace? 28 karat gold.

Show your old lady
how much you love her.

Uh... Thanks, but no thanks.

Watch out. Your feet.

It's got a bad motivator.
Kinda got a mind of its own now.

It wound up in the backyard
last week.

Hey, uh, Dennis...
Hey, thanks for everything,

but I really...
I gotta get going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid.
Don't worry.

I got a car out here you're
gonna love.

Come on, come on.
Let me show it to you, let's go.

No finer car out here.
2,995.

Um...

Thanks and all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't go
anywhere without test driving it.

Come on, kid, we'll take it for
a little spin.

She's just warming up.

She's calling your name, Mike.
Come on.

Come on, don't be shy.
Have a look.

Come on in, kid.
Come on, come on.

What the fuck is this?

Go on, put your foot in it.

Feel that?

That's 440 cubic inches under
your right foot, baby.

She's got power to spare.

This thing runs
like a scalded dog.

Two-and-half tons of fine
American steel surrounding ya.

Who needs airbags when you got
that kind of security?

This is when they made 'em
solid and stout.

Baby, you hit something in this,
you don't need an airbag,

because they're gonna know it,
you're not.

You're gonna keep
flying down the road.

And I know what you're thinking.

The paints kinda faded
and the chromes not so bright,

but you don't want to
blind people,

you want to catch their eye.
You want to keep 'em glued to it.

This car right here will do it
and the room.

Can you feel it?

It's like the great outdoors
with leather.

This is Mikey's world
right here.

This is your universe
on four tires, baby.

Speaking of universe, look way out
there in the end of the galaxy.

You're not gonna find more room in a
backseat, if you know what I mean, right?

I got collectors
from here to Missouri

kicking down my door, begging me
to sell 'em this car.

Is...

What do you say?

...that an eight-track player?

What? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you got a good eye kid.

Yeah, this the latest and
greatest in high fidelity.

It's like the vinyl
of car audio.

You know, as a matter of fact...

I'll even throw in some tapes.

Hey!

My condolences.
You doing all right, hon?

Um... Yeah. Why?

Well clearly your grandpa
just died

and he left you this very sturdy
automobile here.

Um...

Or is that not how you came to
be in possession

- of this car, young man?
- No, no, I just bought it.

I just got it.

Funny.

Thought a kid like him
would get himself

some sort of... neon green
piece of shit sedan...

with spinning rims.

But voluntarily purchasing
himself...

- What is this?
- Chrysler, New Yorker.

A Chrysler New Yorker
that got crapped out by 1966.

Mm. It is a '65.

A 1965.

That just don't sound like sober
decision making to me, Davis.

We been doing
any drinking today?

Uh... No, nope.

Any drug use?

No.

Marijuana?
Because that does qualify.

I don't... I don't smoke.

Texting while driving.

No, see, I was just trying to...

Let me just take a look at your
phone, please.

Thank you.

We're also gonna need license,
registration,

- and proof of insurance.
- Yeah. Um...

6:42 p.m., looks like
Brett sent you a sext.

Yeah...

Registration, too.

And proof of insurance.

Oh yeah, I don't have it yet.

I just... I just bought the car.

But there is a registration card
in this vehicle, right?

Registered by the previous
owner.

Who is Kelsey?

Oh, um, Kelsey she's just
probably wondering where I am,

'cause...
...we have a date.

- Sorry?
- Just taking her out on a date.

- Oh, here you go.
- Don't let him answer that.

Mr. Duchovny, sir.

- Hey.
- Hey.

There's a thing called a GPS
now. Have you tried it before?

Just, uh,
gotta run a few errands.

I'll be there around eight,
if that's cool?

Yeah, no problem.

- I'll see you then.
- You better.

So, um...

Your running errands
on date night, huh?

Uh-huh.

- I gotta go get some, uh...
- Condoms.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Good boy.

Great.

Hey, uh, Dennis, I, um...

This stuff was in the car.

I think you left it
in the glove box.

Dennis?

Uh... Dennis?

Hey, Dennis?

Mm.

This is not what it looks like
at all.

Dennis.

I bought a car from here,
from Dennis

and I found this in
the glove compartment,

I just wanted to return it.

Hey!

No, please!

Damn, lady. I'm sorry.

Where's my husband?

I didn't...

Come on.
Just get it together.

Shut up.

Just gotta get it...
Just pull it.

I'm gonna shoot you anyway,

so you might as well just come
out and get it over with.

Where's my husband?

Where is he?

Hey!

- Oh, God.
- Hey! Get back here!

Whoa!

All right,
let's just back up here.

The vacuum cleaner got out on
the sidewalk how?

Um... I don't know.

I don't want your help.

I don't want your help!

Just get out of my house!
Just get out of my house!

Just get out!

Get out.

I'm not a criminal.

What did I do?
I didn't do anything.

Oh, yeah?

Don't answer that.

Kelsey!

Dinner.

Yo, Kelsey.

Shouldn't you be studying it up?

Kelsey, are you eating
or going out?

Michael,
thanks for calling us in

about knock on the noggin,
we really appreciate it,

but I can't help but wonder

why were you even here
in the first place?

I bought a car from Dennis.

Here's the paperwork right here,
actually. My...

You were meant to be out
romancing with Kelsey, right?

I...

I left my watch
and actually speaking of time,

- I do have to get going...
- If you don't take off your watch

and leave it at a complete
stranger's house,

you wouldn't be late.
Right?

I don't know how true that is.

Seeing as he hasn't taken off
his watch in two years

and he's still late.

I told you
I'd make it up to you.

Oh, yes, you will.

Who cares
about a freaking watch?

I want to know who went
to my house and took my husband?

Honey, we want those
answers the same as you

but we gotta come at this from
every angle, right?

'Cause your husband has got
himself a record,

and you know that.

Michael, let's talk turkey.
Got ourselves a missing person.

Got a burglary.

And we got you...
here at the scene.

I didn't, I didn't take
anything. I swear, I didn't.

You can check my car.

Okay, did you see anything
of any value in here

that maybe someone else would of
broken in for?

Anything.

Nothing out of the ordinary, no.

No?

Okay.

Is it okay if I leave though?

Yes, you're late.

- Michael.
- Yes?

You might want your phone.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it.
Go on, get out of here.

Would you get that?

So, Darla.

How do you know Tony?

- Missed a spot.
- Oh.

So, uh, you change your mind on
that study sesh?

Nope, taking out the trash.

Go on, that's your cue.

What?

I got it.
That's funny.

I'm good for a joke.
Not much else.

- Something wrong?
- No, fine.

You seem a little down.

Do I?

You know if you ever need
to get anything off your chest,

I'm your guy, right?

Something that I actually
really love.

You know,
being the sympathetic ear

for those who need it.

That must be a really hard life.

Being permanently attached to
the side of somebody's head.

I mean, how do you deal
with the earwax?

Do you, like, penetrate yourself
with a really big Q-tip?

Are you seriously judging me
based on my appearance?

Why can't a good looking,
tri sport athlete

love being the person who
shows up for a friend

when they need it?

All right, Chet.

Let's go for a ride.

Or should I leave you two alone?

Mike, money, check it out.

It's a secret.

No, we're not joining.
Don't get the pamphlets.

Mrs. Madison,
I'm here to pick up Kelsey.

Oh.

I see.

So you're the asshole
that stood her up?

Look...

- Earl.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Look who's here.
- What's up, dear? What?

- Look who's here.
- Yeah, what do you want?

Just looking for...

Come on, spit it out, kid.
What do you want?

I'm really sorry I'm late,
but I ran into an emergency,

and I promise
I can make it up to her.

Yeah, yeah.
What? Make it up to her?

What does that mean?

I... I just wanted to talk her.
Is it okay if I talk to her right now?

- Like really quickly.
- No.

She left with that neighbor kid.

Is that your heap
on the driveway?

Oh look at that piece of...
Wait, is that a '61 Impala?

What a piece of crap.

No, wait.

Okay, so he shoots Lenny
and then the story ends.

Since we're just sitting
around here waiting for shit.

Might as well talk about
why he does that.

- What are you looking at me for?
- You know why.

- Shut the fuck up!
- Let's talk about the fucking books...

Titanic on VHS.

It's got two tapes.

I don't want you
to think that...

Wonder where the VCR is.

That's what they do. The put a
fucking bullet in the back of the head.

So what, he's too lazy to
take care of a sick pet?

What?
Is that what you're saying?

No, no. This has
nothing to do with that.

Yes, it does.
Yes it fucking does.

All right,
George was too afraid.

He was too afraid to take care
of Lenny.

He's too afraid
to fucking man up,

put some hair on his fucking
chest, and take the fall.

He takes the easy way out.

That is not true!

Yes, it is.
It's right there in the book.

- He's fucking selfish.
- It was a mercy killing.

It wasn't
a fucking mercy killing.

George was covering
for his fucking self.

Covering for himself
for what?

In what world
did he commit a crime?

Oh, my God,
did you miss the part

where George does nothing while
Lenny murders Curley's wife?

It wasn't murder.
He's an idiot.

- How is he responsible...
- He's actually mentally disabled.

- Shut up!
- See, even he gets it. Asshole.

What the fuck?
Is this the fucking PC police?

You know if your one job
is to keep an eye one someone

that's not all there, then you lock
that shit down. You don't fuck around

- with that shit.
- What do you know about caring about anybody?

Oh, you've no fucking idea and an
idiot is totally fucking different.

How so, Ricky?

Textbook example.

Hey, Ricky, you wanna watch
Titanic?

Shut up.
You know, Vince,

you've got zero awareness
of how you effect other people,

- you know that?
- It's a romance.

With your fucking words,
with your fucking actions.

You just fly in like a big
fucking wrecking ball

and you smash up
everybody's shit

with no fucking regard.
And you know, I'm getting sick and tired

- of having to hold you accountable...
- Donnie!

Why the fuck are your feet on
the coffee table?

No, you don't come into
somebody's home

and disrespect the home by putting
your fucking feet on the coffee table.

- You literally broke into this house.
- It's common courtesy 101.

That is where people eat.

People don't eat
on coffee tables.

But people don't eat off it.
They just...

Do you like the taste of your
own shit in your coffee?

- You don't even drink coffee.
- Huh?

No.

When I pull my foot
out of your ass,

I'm gonna wipe my shoe all over
the fucking coffee table,

then you can taste
all the bullshit,

shitty-ass, fucked up coffee
that you want

and stop sucking face in front
of everybody,

it's fucking disgusting!

Get involved in this
goddamn book club,

or I'm gonna fucking start
killing people, God damn it!

Do I have to start
smoking inside?

Huh?

'Cause every time I step
outside, for my smoke break,

you know, as an act
of courtesy to you all,

when I come back in, everything
has gone to shit.

So, maybe, I need to make you

start inhaling my fucking
second-hand smoke.

You make them inhale your
second-hand smoke, huh?

Just for the 2,000th
fucking time...

just... tolerate each other

and then you can all go home,

and... we never have to
see each other again.

What about book club?

Please.

Please.

Help me out here.

So we can stop playing fucking
Brady Bunch.

Fucking Christ man!

Fuck, what do you do for an
encore, a fucking Brazilian?

What the fuck?

Look, what time is it?

Anybody, ten o'clock?

Roughly ten o'clock, right?
Ten o'clock on a Saturday night.

Where else do you think a kid
with a new car would be?

Out on a cruise, joyriding.
That's what these kids do.

That's what those cars are
designed for.

Joyrides, it be fucking criminal if he was
doing anything else, man. No pun intended.

That's what fucking concerns me.

- Dennis, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

'Cause Tony,
he was out on a joyride, too.

- Right?
- Okay.

In that same exact fucking car
that you let him borrow.

Remember what happened to Tony?

I didn't know all the shit
he was in to.

He wanted to borrow a car, fine.
It's a shit box, man.

It's worth 200 bucks. Think about it.
Just think about it.

If I'd have known what the fuck
Tony was up to,

you think for one fucking second

I would have sold that kid,
Mikey, the fucking car?

No, no, man.

It doesn't take a genius to
figure that out.

For fuck's sake, man.

I could be a sailor,
I could be a priest.

I could swear to you seven
different ways

to fucking doomsday,
but I swear to ya,

I don't know shit.

You don't know anything?

No.

Okay.

Well, let me tell you
what I know.

I know that... that five star
beach side resort

in the sky
that Tony checked into,

I know that they're always

accepting new clientele,
you know?

You know there's always a...
vacancy open there...

and... Dennis...

if that fucking car
does not show up...

I'm gonna check myself in.

But...

you're gonna check in first.

Come on, man,
what are you doing? I've got...

Somebody give me
a goddamn drill.

One second.

Excuse me.
See I think...

- We used to own this car.
- Right, yes, yes.

We used to own this car,
I think.

Hey, hang on.

Yeah, it's still there.
It looks good, too.

I redid the seat cover.

The blood wouldn't come out.

Oh, sorry.
This was 1982.

We were out on the highway
in the middle of nowhere.

No idea where I was,
the cops are hightailing after us.

- I'm screaming like you wouldn't believe.
- Right, right.

- And then my water broke.
- Right, right.

- So, I gotta pull over.
- It's our first born.

And the second I do,
there's cops everywhere.

- They got their guns drawn.
- They think he's a kidnapper.

They're hollering.

- They're telling us all...
- I'm yelling, "Stop!

Somebody's gotta grab this baby
coming out of me."

So, I'm just like, "Sorry, Officer,
I gotta help my wife right now,

- you can arrest me later."
- So at this point.

I've gotta...
I've gotta stretch out.

Right, good thing
it was a bench seat.

And I close my eyes
and push.

And our little girl...

she just falls out into my arms.

And then the placenta pops out
of me and hits him in the face,

and he falls backwards,
but he does not drop our baby.

That's when I knew.
World's greatest dad.

Oh.

Gosh.

- Time flies.
- Hm.

Hey, this might be
a little strange,

or, I don't know, rude,
but...

Could we take the car out
for a drive?

Oh, uh...

Well, you could go
with us, of course.

I... I... I...

Yeah,
we wouldn't run off with her.

We could pay you something.

No, no that's okay.
I honestly should be getting...

Three hundred.
What do you think?

Three hundred,
is that good for, I don't know,

20 minutes, half an hour?

Well, we can pay you more
if you want?

I don't know, a thousand?

- What?
- That's okay, um...

It's... 300 is fine.

Thank you.

That's more than 300.

Let's go.

Kinda cold,
do you want some heat?

You remember that?

How could I forget?

You wanna drive up there?

There's the turn.

Um... Where are we going?

The town's really changed.

I'll be darned.

I've never been up here before.

We came here on our first date.

Some things never change.

Is that it?

I'm sorry baby.

- Get off.
- I'm sorry.

Take care of myself later.

Donnie.

Donnie.

Is that that stupid car?

- Bro.
- What's up, Yoko Ono?

Fucking up somebody else's shit?

Calm down.

Hey, when's the last time you
did something not named Mikaylah?

Listen man, the kid,
his freaking car is right here,

right in front of my eyes, bro.

You know that spot,
that make out spot with the dope-ass view?

I'm just gonna handle it
real quick.

No, no, no you're not gonna
handle shit. Okay, brain trust?

You remember the last time I had
you handle something?

Do you remember Stanley?

My best friend in the whole
world, Stanley,

do you remember that?

Hamsters are not aquatic, Lenny!

What the fuck is happening?

Donnie found the car.

Fucking go get it.

Um...

Hi.

Fuck! Get off her!

Jesus!

What the fuck?

Hey, let go of me!

Sorry,
we're gonna have to kill you.

You saw our faces.

Should have wore a mask.

Shannon, knock it off.

Will both of you shut the fuck
up and get this done?

Will you stop yelling?

I got somewhere to be and we all
got a fucking book to read.

Yeah, well you can read it by
your own damn self,

'cause after this jobs through,
I'm fucking quitting.

You're quitting book club?

Yeah, I'm quitting book club

and being sucked into
one bone-head job

after another and watching you
fuck 'em all up.

- Real mature.
- Over and over again.

- Real fucking mature.
- I can set my watch to your fucking screw ups.

What are we gonna do
without you?

Anyone can do my job, dumb ass.

No, they can't.

You want to quit?
Then get the fuck out of here.

I'll do your part. I'll shoot all three of
these motherfuckers and load them in the car.

- You can't fucking shoot them. Of course you...
- Why are you still talking?

You just said you're gonna
fucking quit.

I don't quit
in the middle of shit.

You literally just said
you're gonna quit.

I said I'm quitting after.

- And leave us to do all the fucking work.
- I fucking said I quit after,

- you fucking asshole.
- What the fuck?

- That's exactly what you said.
- Do you not understand me?

Do you not hear the words that
are coming out of your fucking mouth?

- Chill out, Vince.
- Where the fuck is Donnie? I need to hit someone.

Should we help them?

Nope.

It's not like I could help,
anyway.

Why are you just regurgitating those stupid
shit comments that Vince makes about you?

I mean, what's Vince even doing?

Sitting around on his ass,
talking about that lame-ass book.

It's not even a book.
It's a novella.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, fucking... Jeez!

Babe, you're a badass.

That's generous.

Are you gonna kick some ass
for me?

Quit fucking fighting me.

You want this, huh?

Open your fucking mouth.

Hit 'em, baby, hit 'em.

What the fuck?

Get him in the car!

Get him in the car!

God damn it!
This fucking day is shit!

Goddamn it! My fingers.

Go! Just go!
Drive!

It's not starting!
It's not starting!

Go!

Brett.

You're never gonna guess where
we are right now.

No, no. No, Brett.

- Cosmic bowling, dude.
- Brett, I need your help.

Listen. Brett, Brett.

- Everybody here sucks.
- No, Brett, listen.

That's right! Pick it up!
Pick it up.

That's down.

That's a strike! Well, close,
but that's a strike!

Are you okay?

Roger?

Roger?

Mike?

Mike!

Hey.

The cops are gonna be here soon.
I'm just letting you know.

And your grandma's awake.

So, if you want to come back
and see her, you can.

What about grandpa?

He's dead.

I know, I know this is what
everyone says,

but I swear to you that...

It's not what it looks like.

You're holding it for a friend?

Spacemen made you do it?

Okay, hold on.

Okay, um...

You know that
I got the car today,

but that stuff must have been
in there before I got it,

and I swear to you,
it's... it's not mine.

It's not.

It's not his.

It's not his.

Thanks.

- It's ours.
- What?

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Good boy.

Thank you, Tony!

Wait.

My...

Yeah, that's my gutter queen!

Oh, my God, Jurassic Park.

I got a pet velociraptor.

What did you do for Kelsey,
Mike?

Hey, hey.

- Hey, stop, stop, stop.
- Hey, stop, stop.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you waving your goddamn
gun at the fucking thing?

Because I'm trying to get
the fucking idiot to stop.

Fuck's sakes!

- Fuck you, all right?
- In your wildest fucking dreams.

Oh, God, that makes me
want to fucking vomit.

Boom! I get knocked right
across the face with a flashlight.

I get...
I'm knocked down on the ground,

the other cop, he just starts
kicking me and kicking me,

and then right after that,
he snorts cocaine.

He just snorted cocaine,
then they just take the car

and throw my bike out
and then run it over,

and yeah, that's...

that's how I'm late.

At least you still
have your ball sack.

I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't have to third
wheel with Chet and the Porsche.

More like a fifth wheel.

So, there's a spare tire, then?

No, the donut.
That you really shouldn't even drive on.

That was me.

- You didn't even make it more than 50 miles, then?
- No, thank God

Are you sure you don't need like
an ice pack or something?

Um... I actually don't like it
when it's too cold

on the wound, it's weird.

- I don't know.
- What, why?

I don't know. Um...

- Like, 'cause...
- You're sensitive.

What?

Why are you embarrassed?

More people could use a little
more of that.

Like my parents.

Okay your mom did talk
about my car a lot.

It's ugly, but I honestly
just thought it was me...

showing up late.

No, they're great at reminding
me how shitty I am.

What makes you say that?

That doesn't sound like
something...

Something I would say?

Not really.

Why?

I mean, you...

You get a lot of things right
and I feel like you know that.

Oh, so you're calling me
arrogant?

- No, no. I just...
- I'm over confidant.

- No, Kelsey, you're...
- I'm...

Kelsey, you're perfect...
perfectly confident.

Nobody's perfect, Mike.

Okay, well, if we were all made
out of oatmeal...

What?

Listen, and like Goldilocks
walked in, okay,

- she'd pick your bowl.
- Oh, okay, yeah.

- Be the bowl she picked.
- So, the asshole, arrogant, swollen head oatmeal

- is over there?
- Exactly. And then, I'm on the other side of that.

- Well, that's not fun.
- You're in the middle.

Oh, okay,
so we're next to each other?

- Yeah, totally, yeah.
- Okay, well...

This bowl right here is big
enough for both of us.

I mean, that's Goldilocks' bowl.
I can't touch that. That's...

Yeah, but it's nice over here.

Not too warm?

- Not too cold.
- Yeah?

Well, uh...

Actually, um...

- Do you want to...
- Come in?

Do you want... Yeah.

Finally.

Could of swore
I locked the door.

- This is it.
- Nice place.

This is our humble abode.

- Welcome.
- Oh, wow.

Who is this?

That's...
That's me.

So, this was taken
yesterday, obviously.

You want like a beer or
something?

Yeah, sure.

Wow, two sinks, huh?

Oh, yeah,
we're kinda fancy out here.

- Should I take my shoes off?
- No, no, you're fine.

Just don't put your feet
on the coffee table,

'cause my mom will have, like,
a heart attack,

and yeah, so no feet.

Um, I think, yeah,
Brett took all the beer,

but we have soda...

Please stop goddamn moving.

Don't... Don't fucking move.

Get out from behind
the fucking fridge.

Move... Move from behind...

Move from behind the fridge!
And close the goddamn door.

You're letting
all the cold air out.

Now, where's the fucking car?

Um...

I, um...

I don't have it.

I swear, I'm not lying.
I don't have the car.

I swear,
just don't point it at her.

Well, I'm feeling a little bit
fucking confused.

A little confused right now,

because this patron saint
of the neighborhood,

he swore to me that he sold it
to you... today.

Well, technically,
it was yesterday,

it's past midnight, so...

Hey, hey I swear.
I don't have the car, man.

A couple of cops, they came and they
took it from me and they jumped me...

Just don't, no.
Just stop speaking.

I have been listening
to idiots speaking,

and excusing
for the last week-and-a-half,

and now,
when all I want to do...

is just drown myself in hard
alcohol, I can't.

'Cause one fucking idiot shot
another fucking idiot,

fucking up instructions
so goddamn simple,

my poor sweet nana,
who had Alzheimer's by the way,

she could have rolled out of
the goddamn grave

and done it herself.

I swear to Christ.

It's just like that fucking
short story, Of Mice and Men,

with the fucking...
the big guy...

It's a novella, actually.

Oh, God.

Am I the fucking idiot?

I'm the fucking idiot.
It's me.

I'm the fucking idiot.

Excuse me.

Don't fucking move.

Hello?

- Oh, you finally pick up.
- Yeah, what?

Yeah, we need fucking...

Well, what the fuck is going on?

I'm losing you. Do you have...
Hello? Hello?

I can't...

I know how to find the car!

I know how to find the car!
I know... I know how to find it.

What?

My phone...
I dropped it in the car

before the cops took it.
I can track it on that app.

I lose my phone all the time.
Anyways, I can track it,

it can tell us exactly
where they are, but, um...

sir, if we show you,
you have to...

you have to let us go
and you can't kill anyone.

Mikey, is it?

Mike.

Mike. Thank you.

Mike.

If I don't get
my fucking drugs...

I'm gonna kill everyone.

Mm-hm.

Um... Okay.
So, give me one sec.

Looks like it's
in the middle of nowhere.

Not fucking good enough.
An address.

Okay, all right. Sorry.

Do you see that?

Do you know what,
I just wiped my feet

all over you
with a single fucking sentence?

That's why you are
where you are right now.

I bet you let your friends treat
you like shit, too, huh?

Like you know anything
about friends.

What?

What?

- What?
- Hm? Friends?

I know plenty
about fucking friendship.

Goddamn...
What's your name?

Kelsey.

Kelsey, why don't you take a look
at this motherfucker right here?

Hm? And see what happens
to rude goddamn fucking people

who fuck with people who have
goddamn guns in their hands.

Hey, Mike,
take it from me, this one,

she's going to steamroll
over you,

I swear to god, she is.

Oh, my God.

- What the fuck are you...
- Kid's got a fucking point.

Oh, my God.

You walk in the room
and all you do

is sour the fucking atmosphere
like a fart in church, man.

Hey, look in the...
I've got duct tape.

Oh, phone call.
Must be the book club.

- Hey, what's their next book?
- Hey, look at me.

- Hello?
- Where the fuck are you guys?

Oh, I don't know. Trying to
hitch a ride at 3:00 a.m.

on the scenic road
to east of fucking Eden

while Donnie's playing
demolition derby...

- Sounds like Vince. Double digit IQ.
- Huh?

So excuse me for not picking
up the phone. I was fucking...

Shut the fuck up and listen to
me for a second.

We are tracking the car
right now.

Where are you?

Listen to me,
we're tracking the fucking car.

Cap, hello?

The fucking...
Show me the fucking screen.

- Come on! Where... Where...
- Cup of coffee.

No cream, no sugar.
I'll take it black. I don't care.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

What are you talking about?
Find it!

Okay, it's still loading.

- Ten...
- Okay. Whoa! Whoa!

...nine, eight...
Hey! What the fuck?

- You see that?
- I'm gonna find it.

Work the fucker.

- Okay, okay.
- This thing got autopilot?

Oh, it's right here.

Give it to me.
It is off of Wilson Road.

Five miles past Maury's Diner.

- What's the address?
- Huh?

What's the fucking
address?

Use the odometer and
your fucking eyeballs,

and figure it the fuck out!

What the fuck
is going on now?

Fuck!

Take the fucking mask off.
It's got mace on it, stupid.

It's all right.
It's just in my eyes.

All right, come on.

I'm gonna wash it for ya.
Come on.

Really?

I don't want you breathing in
that toxic shit.

It might kill you or something.

How am I supposed to find it
without a fucking address or a car?

My car just fucking...

Donnie!

Donnie! Donnie!
Stop that truck!

Donnie, no, don't let her leave!
Donnie, don't let her leave!

If I'm gonna die,
I'd like to at least die

at the hand's somebody
that would know

how to pour piss out of a boot
without having to read

the instructions
on the fucking heel.

Hey, reach in the glove box.

There's duct tape in there,
give it to me.

- Hand it to me.
- Oh, great, more tape.

- Thanks, sport.
- Shut the fuck...

Go around.

Hit the lights.

Hand me the fucking keys.

The keys.

Okay.

Everybody out
of the fucking car.

All right.
I'm not supposed to say anything

but between me and you,
word on the street is

one of Tony's dumb ass dudes
shot him through a door.

You gotta be fucking
kidding me.

Look, you can't
make these things up, right?

Are you saying
his own dude?

Look, okay, first of all.

I was talking to the boss,
he said, on the phone,

this dude sounded like
the biggest idiot he ever heard

and you know...

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

That noise out there.

Mike.

Probably coyotes,
or werewolves, or something.

I fucking heard it.

Go.

What the fuck?

What are you gonna do?
Crawl through a vent somewhere?

I don't know, maybe.

Do like a human shield,
or something.

Yeah, you can go first.

Eye contact.

You are very fucking rude,
and let me tell you something,

it's not gonna get you far.

Just give me a fucking idea.

Hey, be fucking quiet.

Ow!

Go to sleep. God damn it!

Go to sleep. That's it.
That's it. That's it. Shh!

God! Fucking Christ!

Hey, stop.

Stop.

Are you... Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah,
just got to get his keys.

Where... Where's Dennis?

What is he doing?

Date night just keep getting
better and better, don't it?

Look at this.

Hammer time.

Good shit right here.

Nice.

Michael.

Thought we were done with you.

Ah, Tony.
Son of a bitch.

Dennis, your wife is worried
sick about you, by the way.

And you look familiar.

Think There's a photograph
on a file on my desk.

You get a break.

You get a break, we all get a break.

- Tony's file.
- Fuck off, doughnut!

Excuse me?

Hey.

Sir, hey, hi.

Hey, sir.

Hello.

That... That is my score.

Me! I'm the one that brought
that to you.

We've been talking for weeks.

All right,
so I don't know how...

what the fuck happened?

UPS, FedEx.

Fucking Pony Express.

I don't care who delivers
my product.

The key word there, though,
is "delivery."

Ah! Ah! See that's bullshit.

Hey, doughnut. What was the name
of the guy, his gang member,

the one he shot
through the door?

That was Tony.

Tony. Now that...
that's just poor leadership.

Fucking love the boss.

That... I didn't...
That wasn't me that shot him,

that was a guy that works for
me.

Open it up, show her.

Just like a fucking cop.

Wiping your ass with
a hard-working civilian.

Whoa, whoa.
Did I just hear him right?

Did he just volunteer to die
first?

- Mm-hm.
- I was tuning him out, I wasn't listening.

I assumed you would
want to kill Michael first.

Oh. Excuse me, sorry.

we're just trying to get out
to clear the mess.

We got a lot
of body weight

for just a couple trash bags.

Oh, these are not
just trash bags.

These are industrial strength,
commercial grade,

- contractor bags.
- Really?

Yeah.
Man, we got these from Lowes.

Hold a big load,
no tears, no spills.

They don't leak at all?

No ma'am.

I've used these.
They fucking leak.

- $3.99 a box on aisle three.
- Very good.

Right next to
the industrial hardware.

Don't touch him!

Sorry, do we need a bag
underneath him before we shoot?

Five miles past
the fucking diner?

This is fucking weird.
I don't like it.

Looks like fucking...
"Hills Has Eyes" or Deliverance.

- Hills Have Eyes.
- Uh, hey, guys.

- I think he's over there.
- What the fuck?

Everybody, get down!
Everybody, get fucking down!

Motherfucker!

- What took so goddamn long?
- I don't know.

What the fuck are you doing?
What's all this shit?

- Jesus Christ!
- Get the fuck away.

Put your guns down or I'll explode.

Wait a second!

Everybody, just wait one second.

We need to take a moment
to think and be civil,

and I assure you,
we can all get what we need...

from this situation.

- What do you want?
- The coke.

And the product
is on the premises,

- we have an arrangement.
- Absolutely.

All of you, what do you want?

We want our boss.

Yeah. This man?

- Yeah.
- That's right.

Yeah, we're not
leaving here without him.

- That's right.
- That's right. - Yeah, all right.

Yeah, and you know what, we're not
leaving without the money either.

- That's right.
- Oh, I think there's money enough for more than one party.

- What the fuck?
- No, hear me out, okay.

We both deserve to be compensated
for the work we've done,

but since we actually did
deliver the product,

- I propose 60/40 split.
- That's fucking bullshit!

Are you kidding?

Do you know how much
fucking work

I just did to get this fucking
shit together?

I got my fucking hand slammed in the fucking door.

- I had to hitchhike...
- Who fucking cares?

Okay, we can just kill him now.
It's no skin off my nose.

No, no,
you're not gonna kill any.

You know what? You know what?

I dare you
to pull the fucking trigger.

I'll just kill him right now.

Guys, shut the fuck up!

I'll fucking waste you,
you fucking pig.

- How do you feel about that?
- ...the fucking shot.

Hey! Can we do 50/50 plus a long
term partnership?

Donnie...

I'll put your fucking nuts
in a jar.

Shut up!

We already did this on accident.

They were able to bring the
drugs easy because they're cops.

If we let them deliver for us
in the future, it'd be safer...

for all of us, right?

That's a fine proposal.

He must be the genius of
their group, boss.

Donnie, that's...
that's actually not a bad idea.

Are we fucking good?
Can I... Can I go now?

What about these three? They seen
our faces, they still need to go.

You should have worn
a fucking mask!

They're our responsibility...

and we will handle them as soon
as we all take a breath...

and lower our weapons.

On three.

One...

...two...

three.

Go ahead and lower.

- Easy 'em down, guys.
- Bring 'em down, boys.

Oh, Jesus!

Dennis!

Get me the fuck outta here!

All right give me
your shell. A fucking shell!

Donnie!

We have to get out of here.

- Motherfucker.
- Fucking light 'em up!

Come on.

Shannon.

Look at me.

Get the fucking money.

The bag!
Get the fucking bag!

- Go, go, go!
- Out there. Go, go!

Go, go, go.

Fuck you!

Shannon! Shannon!
Go get the money.

You can do it!
You can do it!

- What the fuck?
- Jesus Christ!

- All right, Captain.
- No wait, Shannon, stop!

Fuck.

I'm out! I'm out!

Fuck!

Fucker!

I'm out.

Yeah.

Fuck!

- Shannon!
- Fuck!

Come on, bring him back,
come on!

- What do we do?
- Who's left over?

Who do we got?

We could take that truck
right there.

What if it's locked?

What if there are no keys?

I got you.
You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be fine,
don't worry about it.

Fuck!

- Leave it.
- You're gonna be fine.

- Leave my mask on.
- Shannon.

Leave it.

Hey, lot of books to read,
all right?

You can come over to my place.

We'll watch fucking Titanic,
all right?

Shannon?

Shannon?

- No.
- No!

Fuck!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck! Fuck you!

I'm out! I'm out! I'm out!

You're gonna get
fucking shot, you crazy bitch.

Fuckers!
Come on! That's right.

Oh, shit.

Go, go. Get the fuck
out of here! God damn it!

You can thank me later for
saving your fucking life.

No, Vince!

You motherfuckers!

I'm gonna fucking kill
every one of you.

Donnie.

Motherfucker!

Fucking shoot them.
Fuck you!

We gotta get those keys.

Mike.

We can do it.

Let's do this.

It's not good enough.

Where are the keys?

Reload.

Oh, shit. We gotta go.

Let's go! Go, go!

Oh, shit!

Fuck 'em, I'm leaving.

What... What do we do?

We don't call the cops,
that's for fucking sure.

Yeah, I totally agree.

You should have let me drive,
Davis.

I drive. I always drive.
You shoot.

- Mike!
- Yeah?

They have a gun.

On a scale of one to ten,

how much fun are you having
right now?

Eight point six out of ten.

That's how bad it hurts
right now, bro.

- Nice guys finish last.
- I thought we had something.

It's like, it's like girls speak
in code.

And I'm no Nick Cage.

I'm no Nick Cage,
I can't crack codes that fast.

No one can.

I'd fail in a National Treasure
scenario.

We all would.

We all would.

What's the plan, Mike?

Um... Stay alive.
I don't know. I don't...

Well, is there something we can
throw out the window?

- Uh...
- Pop a tire or something?

- You shoot them?
- I am shooting them.

You're shooting around them.
Shoot them.

Kid! Hey, Mike!

You are not the fucking man
for this job.

Give me the...

Oh, shit. God damn it.

Let me drive the fucking car!

Hey, get off!

Jesus!
Watch the fucking road.

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

Fucking maniac!

- Fuck!
- Just get in the car, sit down.

- I'm out.
- Sit down.

I'm out, Davis.

What are you doing?

I got more rounds in my pistol.

- I said get back in the car.
- Davis, I got it.

I said, sit down.

Sit.

Now.

I'll do it myself.

Mike!
Throw something out the window.

Let me drive the fucking car.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

Get off me.

Jesus!

You started this.

I told you
you should have let me drive.

I told you...
I would do this myself.

Whoa!

Holy shit!

No!

You are so fucking rude!

Mike! Mike!

Oh, shit!

Kelsey.

Are you... You okay?

Yeah.

Is that?

Mike?

Mike?

Get out of the car!
Put your hands up!

You gotta have a horseshoe up
your ass, man.

Where are the others?

You're like the luckiest son of
a bitch I know.

- Money, drugs, where is it?
- It's in the car.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What is it?

Baby, what is it?

Is that the guy?

What do we do?

We gotta do something.
We gotta...

That's the guy who did it.
What do we do?

Dennis, what do we do?

Do you want to kill him?

Do you want to?

Stop!

Stop!

I... I, um...

I can't...
I can't let you kill him.

Hey, um...

Don't...

Don't be like them.

I know you're scared, okay. I...

I've been scared my whole life.

It's okay.

You heard him.

Take a walk.

Well, I hope you're feeling
all fucking warm and fuzzy

and all that good shit, kid.

'Cause I'm feeling pretty good
right now.

Baby, we happy?

- Yeah.
- We are happy.

Keys.

You know, kid, we're kinda doing
you a huge favor here.

You're walking off
with a scot-free record.

As far as anybody else
is concerned,

you ain't ever seen
this fucking car.

Let's go, baby.
I'm following you.

I got no GPS in here.

Tony, I love you forever,
brother.

Come on, baby, let's hit it.
We got daiquiris to drink.

Adios, Mikey.

I think we should
call Brett now.

Yeah.

Um... Shit, um...

I left my phone in the car.

Sorry.

Are you finished
with the phone, dear?

Uh... Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Would you like some coffee?

Yes, please.

It's our special roast.

Night's still young.

You know,
if you would have just told me

you didn't have a car,

I could have picked you up.

Um... Brett said he's on the way

to come pick us up
and take us home... soon.

- Hm.
- Yeah.

But... it's Brett....

so...

He'll take forever.

Mike.

Mike, come on!

It's late,
you woke me up for this.

Mike, I broke 30 laws
just to get here for you.

You come out now.
I don't have all night.

You interrupted my REM cycle.

Bring me that coffee, right now.

Two sugars, Mike.

I need two sugars
in that coffee.

Mike.

Two sugars, Mike.

Hey, Mike! Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Stop, I've got a backseat.

Mike, get out here!

I hope you're thinking of me
while kissing her.

Kelsey, he's inexperienced.

Don't trust him, he doesn't know
what he's doing.

Mike!

Can I at least join?

Mike. Mike, I saw that smile.

You, me, Janice, Kelsey.

We've all had the thought, like.

I swear, Mike, Janice will be
a lot more into it.

Bro, there's pancakes.

Mike, give me the pancakes.

Mike, bro. Bro, turn around.

Get those pancakes for me.

I gotta get up in like two
hours.

Mike!

Mike, Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Mike!

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Quick, hurry.

I'm gonna fill her up, okay?

Oh, the only way
to do it, right?

We're not shy in this family.

Mm-hm.

Honey, should we call the house?

- Why?
- Just to check in...

Whoa, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

- It's fine.
- What?

He's fine.

I hope no one has their feet on
my coffee table, I know that.

Mm. Sweetheart, relax.
It's Michael.

What could possibly
be going wrong?

Seriously?