Original subtitles

♪[opening title music]♪

- [music playing] - [door opening]

- Vera, what the hell are you...

- Sophie! How are you doing, pet?

- I was just in the neighbourhood on business and I thought...

- Get out of my house!

- Aww, Sophie, what's wrong, hun? [gasps] Aww, trouble at work?

- No wait, that would actually mean you'd been employed by someone.

- Accidentally trip a mousetrap?

- Actually, crap-for-brains here went and... - I have just been great!

- Just took a trip to Russia. Business, of course.

- Oil Barons there. Very nice. Very generous.

- Very sensitive hearts though. Much too easy to...break them.

- [gasp] You know, you should really go there!

- I hear mail-order brides earn just hundreds of rubles.

- Oh, I didn't realise you were about to trim your nails. I'll leave you be.

- Oh, watch out for that one, he's a tiger! Roar! [laughing] Ciao!

- [door opening and closing]

- Careful with that, Soph. You'll hurt yourself.

- [knife chopping] - [LUCKY] [humming]

- [stirring]

- [JACK] Er...

- When life gives you lemons, squirt them in the fucker's face!

- Or...lemonade? Watcha gonna do when you get thirsty, aye?

- [glug] - [LUCKY] [gasp]

- Erm... - [JACK] [coughing and spluttering]

- I...I just don't know what to do! I don't know how to get out of this.

- Maybe you don't have to get out of it. Just keep your head down.

- No, Black has a real hard on to kill me. We're going to end up shooting each other's face off.

- Really? - Or spleens. Whatever.

- Oh, calm down, Black is harmless. Besides, Cameron really likes you.

- Not exactly reassuring me with that one.

- [rattling]

- Why does you purse sound like maracas?

- [CANDY] Lucky... - Holy shit.

- You've like enough Oxycontin to kill, like...twelve Anna Nicola Smiths.

- It's for a friend.

- You friends with bears now?

- I mean that in the, er... animal sense, not porn sense.

- Oh my god, there you go judging again. - I'm not judging anything!

- Yes you are. You're treating me like some...I'm some sort of fucking crack whore!

- Candy...you're way too needy to be a crack whore.

- Jeez, Lucky, I said it's for a friend. - Pill-popping bouncer douchebag?

- His name is Trevor. - His name is Commander Dickweed...

- and will remain Commander Dickweed. - You can be a real douche to people.

- And you love dating dicks! Big hard dicks!

- Yes, the bigger, the harder, the better!

- I'm gonna get going. - ...I'll go to.

- [car horn]

- Asshole.

- Afternoon, ma'am. Detective Rodriguez, FBI.

- Could I have a word? - Alright.

- So, been to any parties lately?

- I haven't. Way too much paperwork.

- Can you believe somebody tried to kill a drug lord at a party?

- Bodyguards and armed friends everywhere.

- Course, they probably got a helping of lead for their troubles.

- Probably at the bottom of a bay by now. - I don't know what you are talking about.

- Ms. Roja, I've already talked to the witnesses.

- They say that you shot him. Alvarez used you as a shield.

- I don't care about that. It's Alvarez that I want.

- I can't help you.

- You know, I talked to the eggheads that do the paper trails.

- They say Alvarez was trying to dump all of his helpings onto someone new in his circle.

- By the way, get any really big gifts lately?

- I've gotta go.

- Look, nobody wants to see you go down for this.

- But if you don't help me, or you won't help me...

-I'm gonna have to start looking at you in a whole nother light.

- I've gotta go.

- Alright, but if you change you mind, do give me a call.

- Thank you, Ms. Roja. - [car door closing]

- [blowing nose]

- [coughing]

- Erm, Jack?

- [JACK] Yep. - I think someone's kidnapped David.

- [sigh] Christ. - [LUCKY] Are we supposed to do something?

- Get something to eat, I suppose. [cough].

- Don't you normally, like, call, the police in this situation?

- [JACK] Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Can't do that.

- If we call the police, spelt with an 'X', then...

- "We will kill David real hard and then torture him bad and"...

- "we will know if you try cause our hackers have hacked the police cops,"...

- "so they can't get calls about David. But if something goes wrong"...

- "like there's a fire or something, then you can still call the police"...

- "and if the fire gets you then you should stop, drop and roll."

- [LUCKY] But... - Oh, it's very simple.

- David, our "badass and super-cool"... - [DAVID V.O.] best friend forever...

- [DAVID V.O.] has been kidnapped by an evil wizard.

- [DAVID V.O.] And if you still care about him, like, even at all anymore...

- [DAVID V.O.] then you have to do a real, epic quest to save him.

- [DAVID V.O.] like 'Lord of the Rings' but with less stupid talking and more ninjas.

- But we've got some time. Lunch?

♪[jovial music]♪

- [SOPHIE] I was the best. People...begged...me.

- Men fell on their knees to hire me.

- And now, look at me now. Now, I'm...

- [slam] - Listen to me while I bitch about my life!

- Ugh!

- Sophie, maybe...maybe it's time you got back on the horse, you know?

- Thought about...thought about dating?

- I mean, someone with better impulse control?

- [JEREMY] I'm just saying! Maybe if you had someone who...

- was a bit more...obedient. Less irrational, irresponsibile and...

- totally not fun, then you might not sink into your armadillo armour of despair...

- every time something goes wrong. Now...

- Important things.

- What are we playing?

- There's a riddle on the back.

- [JACK] Ugh!!

- Go ahead.

- "You must find the guy with one eye who says "Arr" at the Pav-lion."

- Pav-lion? "Is where he...'arr'?!"

- [sigh] It's a bloody enigma.

- What's up?

- Mmm, nothing. It's just kinda nice to do something normal.

- Normal?

- You're on a scavenger hunt to rescue your kidnapped friend from a dark wizard.

- What the hell were you doing before you came here?!

- [SUIT GUY] It's everything. The houses, the accounts...

- the boats, the companies, the businesses. It doesn't matter how clever you accountants are.

- There is too much to hide. The paper trail's too long.

- Change it! Hide it, burn it, fix it! I don't care!

- What do I pay you?! Do something!

- Fuck. Isn't there anything we can do?

- What if we put it under somebody else's name?

- You mean, transfer everything to somebody else? Put everything under their name?

- Yeah, we'll make it look like they are running the show.

- Maybe. It's wouldn't fool anybody. But it will get rid of a lot of evidence.

- Has to be plausible though. Has to be somebody close.

- Do you have anybody in mind? - Yeah, I've got an idea.

- [heavy breathing] - [knife slicing]

- Hey, somebody's a little bit jumpy, huh?

- Nicotine craving.

- Why don't you get a cigarette from Black? He's around here somewhere.

- No, thank you. - What's the matter? You don't like Black?

- No, I don't like Black. He's the type of guy who can...

- kill someone and then make himself a fucking sandwich.

- [CAMERON] Alright, that's true, but he's a useful guy to have around when you need him.

- Everyone's a useful guy to have around when you need him.

- So, do you want me to get rid of him for you?

♪[title music]♪

- Er, actually...

- I was thinking that, maybe I...

- I think... I should look for another job.

- What's the matter? You're not happy here?

- [CAMERON] Don't I make you happy?

- Erm... ♪[dramatic music]♪

- I'm...I'm your cook.

- I don't even know how that's relevant.

- Don't be so fucking stupid! - [glass smash]

- You think I fucking hire you to be my cook?!

- No. I hired you 'cause you're what I need right now.

- You're honest with me. I'm surrounded by fucking groupies, yes-men, little, lying motherfuckers.

- But not you. I can trust you.

- And you. You can trust me.

- Don't you turn away from me! - [slap]

- [gasp] - Not you, Lucky. Not you.

- [CAMERON] Clear up this fucking mess.

- Get in the car.

- [LUCKY] That actually is really pretty.

- Once you get inside it looks like a cheap Chinese restuarant.

- [clearing throat] Greetings...

- [pirate voice] Arr! Greetings, yeh landlubbers!

- D'ya seek yer best doubloon, David?

- Arr, well on your quest ye shall 'ave a need o' this!

- But before we can have it...

- Arr! But before ye can have it, ye must solve a riddle!

- Or your first mate will be damned to Scurvy Jones Locker!

- 'Arr'right then.

- The riddle?

- Arr! It is greater than God, is more evil than the devil...

- the poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it, you'll die. What is it?

- [LUCKY] It's nothing. It's nothing.

- [LUCKY] Nothing is greater than God, nothing is more evil than the devil...

- the rich need nothing, the poor have nothing and if you eat nothing, you'll die.

- Arr! Ye be true! Take ye prezzie and present it to the green fairy...at the pier!

♪[gaming music]♪

- [V.O.] Jeremy wins! - [SOPHIE] This is bullshit!

- This game is bullshit!

- Practise makes perfect, dear sister.

- [laughing] Practise? What the fuck kinda loser practises this shit?!

- I've spent my life acquiring actual skills that can be used to kill actual people.

- Not this made-up, bouncy...bullshit!

- The artful, Yoshimitsu.

- Yoshi-fuck-you!

- Yes, studying how to kill people. Mum must be so proud.

- Proud enough to beg me to protect you against some stupid, imaginary internet dangers...

- Hey! Now those Chinese students, they're a real threat, Sophie!

- I called them out on their propaganda lies and now my life is in danger.

- So yeah, maybe I wouldn't need your help if I could do some of the things...

- that you can do. It's not the point.

- Alright then. - Alright then, what?

- Alright, I'm gonna teach you some skills you can use.

- Thank... - No.

- Check me out! [battle scream]

- OK. Now turn this crap off.

- [car engine running]

- Pass me the gun. Back seat.

- Wait here. - [car door opening]

- [car door shutting] ♪[dramatic music]♪

- [grunting] [heavy breathing]

- [boot shutting]

- [car door opening] - [heavy breathing]

- [car door closing] - Let's go.

- Hello, my turtle doves! My young loves!

- What brings such a beautiful couple to this pier of whimsy?

- We're searching for our friend, David.

- Oh, might you be searching for your friend, David?

- I...yes.

- Well, to find him you must see, and to see, you must stop not seeing.

- [JACK] What? - Eye patch.

- Oh, right... - [FAIRY] Oh, frabtitionous joy!

- Now, my wiggly-squigglyens, you may answer my little riddle-diddle...

- and get these adorable little glasses!

- [FAIRY] I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space.

- I'm essential to creation and surround every place. What am I?

- The Letter 'E'. - [FAIRY] Yes, yes, that's it!

- [FAIRY] Now, my loves, you must go to the ferris wheel.

- There's a precious, little princess there! A bundle of joy! You must go and speak to her.

♪[marching drum music]♪

- Suspects intergrating with a number of bizzare vagrants.

- Seem to be in search of their missing 'David'.

- [OLLIE] People in bizzare costumes are exchanging strange substances in glasses.

- Probably some sort of brand-new superdrug.

- Could this be the elusive 'David'...

- Ooh! Oysters!

- [SOPHIE] Now, Jeremy. You remember what happened the last time...

- you got hold of a weapon?

- Yeah, took down one of the world's most deadliest assassins.

- [blade slashing] - [screaming]

- [laughing]...Sorry.

- Well, since you managed to screw up a simple blade,...

- we're going to start very slowly.

- Now, before I let you touch anything, we're going to go over some basic safety precautions...

- Oh sweet! Is this one of those sleeping darts you lob at people?!

- Like...[throwing sound]. And they're like...just...

- [sigh]

- Then you bring back the grain and bring the chicken over.

- Greetings, wanderers. I am a princess from a far-away country.

- Behold my magic stick...Which will grant ye access to your final destination.

- [PRINCESS] But first, ye must...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, riddle. Riddle. Come on.

- The man who makes it doesn't want it. The man who wants it doesn't use it.

- The man who's using it doesn't know he is using it. What is it?

- A coffin.

- [groaning and spluttering]

- Hello, Leon.

- Now, Cameron didn't really appreciate your little gatecrashing.

- [punch] [groaning] - Found it rather impolite.

- So, we thought we'd come pay you a little visit.

- [punch] [groaning] - See how you like it!

- [in Spanish] You son of a bitch! [English] I'm gonna kill you!

- [LEON] You wouldn't fucking dare!

- [gunshot] - [LUCKY] [scream]

- Here's your magic stick.

- Now you have to find the evil wizard. He's on the beach somewhere.

- [WIZARD] Ho there, wanderers!

- Impressed art I that thou have gained such wisdom!

- Surely thou musteth loveth thine friend most indubitably to have travelléd so fareth!

- [gasp] A bargain! Thine friend shall be released, if thy doth parteth with yon sceptre.

- What? - [WIZARD] Yon sceptre.

- Giveth for thy friend.

- Aha! Alas, you foolish cad! I wrought deception!

- Now, with yon sceptre, I can ruleth the universe!

- Beholdeth my ninja army!

- [DAVID] Nooo!! ♪[battle music]♪

- [slashing] - [groaning]

- [slow motion] Nooo!!

- No! - [WIZARD] [evil laughter]

- [WIZARD] But this doth be impossible! What dark power doth thou possesseth?!

- The power of friendship!

- Agh! Alas, my nefarious plans thwarted!

- However did I thinketh I could conquer thee, O magnificent and badass one?!

- [DAVID] Victory! - [WIZARD] Agh! I am vanquished!

- [sobbing] If only I hadeth a friend as valiant and bitchin'!

- Thine friends shouldeth be grateful to haveth such an awesome, chill dude sucheth as thee!

- They shouldeth stop doing stuff and ditching thou doing cool stuff withouteth thee.

- I think you're right, wizard. I think you're right.

- [JACK] Well, conquering hero...

- D'ya wanna come back and play Call of Duty?

- Fuck yeah!

♪[piano music]♪

♪[ending title music]♪