Original subtitles

♪[opening title music]♪

- [laughing]

- [slam] - Fifteen violations in thirty days!

- Sir... - Shut up.

- Warrantless surveillance, illegal wire-tapping, and the slew -...

- the slew of the mountain of complaints against the racial profiling you've been doing.

- Sir, I must protest, that I monitor all immigrants evenly.

- Enough! This is why we don't let you carry a badge.

- [OLLIE] Oh, not to worry, sir. I made my own. Look.

- [sigh]

- Ollie, if you do so much as step one foot out of...

- the limited jurisdiction you already have, under the banner of this agency,...

- then so help me god, I will tear that badge off your Primark shirt...

- and use it to scrape up your ashes!

- Now get out.

- [car door opening and closing]

♪[marching drum music]♪

-I got you, sir. No badges.

- Time to do some undercover work.

♪[mexican standoff music]♪

- [nerf gun firing] - Ow!

- OK, look. I've got one of those horrible cravings for miso soup.

- Right, so I went to the store to get one... and those chink bastards were working there!

- What? - The Chinese!

- Sophie, there are Chinese working at the Japanese retaurant!

- The horror! - I know!

- Like, think about it, it's a blatant theft of culture, innit. It's right before our eyes.

- I knew I had to do something about it, I...I came here as fast as I could, Sophie.

- The internet must know!

- Jeremy...

- Did I ever tell you what my favourite way to kill people is?

- Well, the way it works is I use... this special nail polish.

- [choking] - [thud]

- [sigh] It's made from an extract of the pufferfishes liver.

- A pin size amount is enough to kill a man.

- But...I have my formula perfect...

- will last exactly three hours. Once I've done that...

- [whispering] I like to flay them.

- Like a catfish...peeling off the skin...inch by inch.

- But I'm not going to do that today, Jeremy.

- I am going to spend the next three hours taking a bubble bath, reading a cheesy romance novel...

- and attempting to forget that you and I share the same number of chromosomes...

- much less a strand of DNA. OK?

- OK.

♪[music]♪ [balloon modelling]

- [phone vibrating] - [KENNY] Hmm?

- Hmm! We have a gig!

- Another bar mitzvah? - No, a...erm...

- A wedding? I love weddings! - No, man, a 'special' event.

- Ahh!...Wait...it isn't another orgy, is it?

Because the last time we did that, Kenny, I'm not...

- It was really awkward.... Well, all those people were...

- Well, I don't really equate all touching with hitting...It was nontheless uncalled for!

- Well, I don't really equate all touching with hitting...It was nontheless uncalled for! -Touching me. - It's a hit!

- Well, I don't really equate all touching with hitting...It was nontheless uncalled for!

- An assassination, you moron! We've been hired to kill this girl.

- Ahh! - Hmm!

- Aww, she looks really funny, Kenny. - Hmm.

- Maybe before we, er...you know... I can, er...lay on the charm.

- You planning on flirting with the hit?

- Well, it's just that...in this job... this job in particular, I...

- I don't really get many chances to meet women.

- Do not flirt with the hit, Jets!

- It's 'The Jets' now! - What?

- Well, I thought by adding a 'The' in front of my name might give it an extra cool factor.

- Like "The Hulk" or...or "The Rock". What do you think?

- I think you might actually be retarded... Let's get ready.

- You won't believe how sick I was this morning, guys.

- I mean, I must have eaten something fierce 'cause I was dropping some, like,...

- mad telephone poles. OK, the donor meat looked greyer than usual but...

- when's that shit, like, ever looked...

- Guys?

- [muffled television noise]

- Oh.

♪[music]♪

- One...Two...Three...Four...Five...

- Draw!

- [nerf guns firing]

- [laughing]

- [panting] - [groaning]

- And now you die!...Ow!

- OK, OK.

- You win.

- Chest bump?

- Oh my god!

- How did you get inside my house?

- Through the door.

- You know, it's actually a lot harder to break into a childs toy chest.

- Why are you here?

- Picking you up for work. Is the safety on this thing?

- If it was, it never will be again.

- Are you going to get out?

- Hmm? Oh. [laughing] [clearing throat]

- Don't flatter yourself, you...fat, ugly, little girl.

- You know, there's absolutely nothing that you have...

- that can make me anything... [sniffing]...other...than nauseous.

- [laughing] Uh, uh, uh! Gotcha clip. - Got one in the chamber!

- [laughing] You're not as stupid as you look. You have fifteen minutes.

- And if I don't come with you in fifteen minutes? - [sighing]

- Fifteen minutes.

- What does David do? For like, money?

- You know, I've never been entirely clear on that.

- Back when we used to live together, he'd always have this...

- brand new, hair-brained, get-rich-quick scheme every week.

- They ever work?

- I think so. He's been good for money for as long as I've known him anyway.

- What did you used to do?

- Erm...I was a personal chef. Came with a lot of strings attached.

- Strings? Like, what kind of strings?

- [slurping] [refreshing sigh] - Can I get another one of these?

- Be right back.

♪[marching drum music]♪

- ♪[music]♪

- Why are you following me?! - Uh?!

- I...think you're...really...pretty.

- OK, there's the girl. And that must be her dopey associate she, er...associates with.

- Alright, "The Jets", get the tickets ready.

- What the hell do you think you're doing?!

- This is why we're not allowed in the park anymore! - Sorry, Kenny.

- You think I'm pretty?

- Yes, and I...I was following you to...to...to tell you!

- Lovely couple!

- It's your lucky day. We're giving away a free magic show!

- Magic!

- For one night only. - Only!

- And we have two tickets just for you. - For!

- There's one for you...and for you.

- What a cute couple you make!

- Erm...do you want to... maybe...go to this thing tonight?

- With me on a...a...a...a...

- A date? - [OLLIE]...Yeah.

- O...K? - Wonderful! Oh, don't forget...

- show starts at 8pm sharp. Address is on the back of the ticket and don't be late.

- Oh, and erm...no mobile phones. Disturbs the show and what-not.

- What's going on?

- I think I have a...date.

- [slurping] That' s Nice

- [slurping] That' s Nice

♪[marching drum music]♪

- Plans to infiltrate the target seemed to have work rather...too well.

- We'll utilise this incident to extract valuable information in a casual setting.

- Also, get better shirt.

- [gulping] - [door opening]

- Oh, well I see you two have finally decided to show up.

- Hi, David. - You ditched me today!

- [JACK] Didn't know we had plans. - You forgot about me!

- This is literally the first I'm hearing of this.

- What the hell, bro?! I brought you beer.

- Well, then you drank it!

- Well, excuse me, Mr. Marley and Mrs...Ro...Ro-ja!

- Ro-ja. Ha, like an 'H'.

- Oh yeah, Spanish. Well, Mr. Marley and Ms. Ro'Ha', you arseholes abandoned me today.

- And for what? A nice pair of titties, that promises she's totally...

- going to meet you at some sushi restaurant. Oh, but when you text her...

- she suddenly finds herself with a familiar case of amnesia. Oh, but...

- "I swear we'll meet tomorrow. Yeah, I swear we'll meet tomorrow!"...

- because that's the lame arse excuse every woman gives to why...

- she can't ditch her trout-of-a-friend. "Oh, but what if someone rapes Cassie, aye?!"

- "What if someone rapes Cassie?!" No one's going to rape Cassie!

- Cassie looks like my stepdad after he graduated from crack to meth!

- Lucky...has a date.

- Oh! [inaudible excited grunting] Yes!

- [JACK] Not...me....Jesus.

- You whore!

- I fucking never say no to anyone! [sigh] I miss my old job.

- God, I know, you were so good as making cheese fries.

- Ernesto just doesn't know how to heat the oil right.

- Fucking Cameron and his freaky ass "man-servant". - Yeah...Black.

- He's pretty weird, but you're werrd too. I'm surprised you don't get along better.

- Yes, I'm sure under that rough exterior of a murderer is someone wanting...

- to be my best friend and give me a basket of muffins!

- Always pretending to be above it all. Did you forget about the guy you shot at the party?

- No...that guy had it...you know what, I don't need to jusify myself to someone...

- who takes off their clothes for money! - Exactly, above it all!

- The most uppity strip club cook you'll ever meet.

- The term is "chef". A job that I liked doing by the way.

- Now, I've no idea what my job even fucking is! Doubt I'll be sending the IRS my W-2 form this year.

- So...want to hang out later?

- [LUCKY] You have a date? Who?

- Please do not get all judgy on me, alright?...Trevor.

- Gah! Trevor, that...fucking roided up, pill popping bouncer...

- Why do you have to be like that about people?! - God, because he's a fucking dick!

- "Fucking dick!" Everybody's a fucking dick then! - Well, you know what, you just love them...

- You just love dicks, and douchebags and assholes... - Yeah, I do love dicks, why do you think I'm a stripper?!

- Oh my god!...Jesus Christ! - What?!

- This is...this why you always get like this!... - No, I don't! He's a good boyfriend, OK?!...

- [BLACK] "Now" means...right now! Dumb bitch!

♪[music]♪

- [LUCKY] This is ridiculous! Where are you taking me?

- To work. We're taking the scenic route. It relaxes me.

- I...I have legs, you know? I can use them.

- Hmm. Well, considering how pudgy they are and how quickly you were moving them...

- I'm sincerely beginning to doubt it. - [groan]

- Listen. You think just 'cause some rich guy gives you a gun and...

sends you on some, obviously, 'tiny-penis enduced power trip'...

- you can do whatever the fuck you want? You're not as scary as you think you are.

- [laughing] Oh, I haven't even begun to scare you yet.

- In fact, if you're feeling so brave, why don't you just stay here? Hmm?

- Or even run back to your little friend, er...Candy, was it?

- She seems nice.

- [car door closing] ♪[dramatic music]♪

- [car door opening and closing]

- [BLACK] It's time to feed the dogs.

- [car starting up]

- [door knocking]

- [door opening]

- You know usually, some people don't answer their knocks, it means not to come it.

- Or...it means nobody's in there and you can safely steal their stuff.

- [clearing throat] Erm... Sorry about how all that went down.

- I think when I was explaining it to David, I might've given across the wrong impression...

- A bit. It wasn't meaning to sound like...like, erm...like a thing, you know?

- [door opening and closing]

- [tap running]

- [sliding door opening and closing]

♪[dramatic music]♪

- [GIRL] I didn't say anything, I swear! - [BLACK] Oh?! Oh, you swear?! So, on your...

- on your mother's grave? - Yes!

- Or in the lord's name? - Both!

- You know what, it's irrelevant. Would you like to know why?

- Because, your innocence...bores me.

- So...Let's play a game. Hmm? Let's play 'pretendzies'. Hmm?

- Please, no, please, I swear! - Let's pretend that...

- you opened your big mouth, and I am sent here to close it!

- No! Please, I'll do anything! Please!

- No. [laughing] - [sobbing]

- [humming] - [gasping and crying]

- No? No?...I'm just kidding. I'm just fucking with ya.

- [laughing] Yes! Yes. Yes.

- [water running] - [acid burning]

- [GIRL] [shrieking]

- [gunshot]

- [gasping] [heavy breathing]

- [laughing] Not so quick with the draw there. Hmm?!

- You're sick!!

- No...I'm creative.

- Now...that, my girl, is what you're going to beg me for...

- if I catch you running away or having a little chat with the police!

- Now, in this situation, I usually threaten some...violent fate...

- upon your family, but...I'm surprised to find that...you have no one!

- How sad...but it's OK, really. No one left to miss you, once I'm done with you!

- Now, my girl, you're going to learn to beg. Beg me for your sad, pathetic, little life!

- Go fuck yourself!! - [CAMERON] The fuck you two doing out here?

- [CAMERON] Lucky...

- Why don't you go inside and make me a drink?

- And put some ice in it.

- You...do not fucking listen, huh?! Still not fucking paying attention.

- I guess I'm gonna have to teach you a little lesson.

- [tap running]

- Jack, I know you've always looked up to me.

- And as your mentor, I feel I should give you some advice.

- Stop being such a fucking pussy!

- Do you know what girls like?

- Do you know what they don't like? Like [mock crying].

- Dude, I try and help you out the best I can. I mean...

- Do you remember that stuff I showed you. - Yeah...

- Yeah, I'm on some kind of watchlist now. - Yeah, well that stuff works!

- But, you know, you...you can't rely on good, old David forever.

- I know I'm the closest thing you've had to a father. - My Dad and I are great...

- I spoke to him yesterday. - And like every son, you want to be just like me.

- But you can't...'cause I'm fucking David!

- But, you can be second best.

- First, you've gotta go through what my dad did to me, and that's to...

- tell you everything that's wrong with you. - I...really don't...

- I do this from love...but, dude... What the fuck is with that shirt?!

- You're not at a funeral or anything.

- Your hair...it's retarded as balls.

- What's with that smell you've always got?

- I don't know, David. I shower? - Yeah, man!

- None of that bullshit! You've gotta... [sniff] let your natural pheromones run free!

- Your choice of beer is terrible. - You bought this!

- Man, your accent's an idiot. You write crosswords in with a pencil.

- [JACK] You done? - Yeah, think so...

- Gotta save something for your wedding!

- OK. David... - Yeah?

- I am not...taking...any of your advice! Ever!

- For any reason! - But I'm fuckin' David, man!

- Well, fuckin' David, your last girlfriend to kill you!

- Let's not start getting into that! No...No. - Yeah...Yeah, let's start getting into that.

- Your last girlfriend set your car, your house and your favourite pub on fire.

- On fire!

- You...are literally the last person I am ever going to turn to for relationship advice!

- OK?

- [JEREMY] Sophie... - [SOPHIE] Yeah?

- [JEREMY] I...I really, really need to go to the toilet.

- Well, I guess you should've thought of that before then, Jer.

- [JEREMY] Honestly, I... I'm gonna pee my pants!

♪[jovial music]♪ - [door opening and closing]

- Oh, and try and keep it all in one spot.

- [phone vibrating]

- My lady!

- Please, sit, dear, sit!

- We have quite a show for you!

- Hello...I'm Ollie. - Lucky.

- Oh, er, I got this for you.

- Why is there no one else here?

- No idea...So, Lucky, your accent is very...foreign.

- Exactly how and when did you come into this country?

- Erm, October 1st...and I swam!

- [laughing] I'm sorry, what?

- Ladies and Gentlemen, our performance is about to begin.

- We ask you to remain seated at all times because tonight is going to get a little bit...

- ♪[music]♪ - [flowers ruffling] [lighter clicking]

- [KENNY] [laughing]

- So...how long and how often would you say you came to the United Kingdom?

- [phone scrolling and texting]

- What's the matter, you don't like scotch?

- I know what it is. You're still thinking about what happened outside, right?

- Alright, how do I explain this to you?

- [CAMERON] That girl... see, she was a talker.

- And, it's not a thing I like to do, you understand, but...well, people talk...

- things they...they get complication, you know? You see, that's why I like you.

- You're a nice girl. A nice, quiet girl.

- And quiet girls, they're good listeners.

- And listening...that's a characteristic that I find invaluable.

- [CAMERON] Listening is one of the things I like best about you.

- What, have you got a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

- That's what I like about you. You're always ready. I really like...

- in fact, I love it. I love that about you. I love it almost as much as I love...

- teaching deserving assholes valuable life lessons.

- For example...see when I tell this son of a bitch to listen...

- what I really mean is to listen to everything and anything I fucking say.

- ♪[dramatic music]♪

- [punch] [groaning] - [CAMERON] That's for you. Cheers.

- [KENNY] Now, for our next illusion...

- we're going to need somebody from the audience. A volunteer!

- You!

- Yes, you! Come up here!

- Don't be shy. There we go. Now, this helpful young man will...

- disappear before your very eyes!...in the box.

- [OLLIE] Erm, if I could... - [box shutting]

- [phone vibrating]

- Ah, I see you've finally got your balls back.

- [JACK] Yeah.

- Well?

- Well, what? - [DAVID] You're not going to invite me?

- Invite you?

- Oh I get it, you're gonna go punch this guy in the face with your dick.

- But we are bros, and you don't ditch bros twice in one day!

- No...Sit...Stay.

- I know where you live, Jack...Here!

- When I say the magic words, "piff paff poff!"...

- our helpful, young friend here will disappear before your very eyes.

- Piff. Paff. Poff!

- [box opening] - Perfect! Jets...my knives!

♪[music]♪

- [surprised whimper]

- Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure and a privilege...

- to have been your hosts this evening. But, er...before we part one another...

- Myself and my associate, wish to present you one final performance...

- A capstone, to send you off, into that sweet goodnight!

- For myself and my associate, "The Jets", we wish to end the night by...

-Raping You

- What? No! Damn, it, man, we talked about this!

- We're going to rob you. - [KENNY] No!

- [THE JETS] And then rape you! - [KENNY] For godsake man!

- There's no rape, my lady.

- After we, erm... you know, once we kill her...

- maybe then we can... - Do I even know you?!

- [KENNY] Jets, what part of this are you not getting?

- [THE JETS] Well, I... I suppose most of it, really.

- We were in such a rush before we came and, well, you know, sometimes I get into these dazes...

- Do you even know what the purpose of tonight was?!

- To do...something...to the girl, erm... and her friend?

- We're going to kill them!

- We're going to take those knives and throw them at the girl and her associate...

- And we're going to make them dead!

- Bereft of life... - But, Kenny...Kenny!

- What?! - The girl has gone.

♪[music stops]♪ - Oh.

- ♪[sinister music]♪

- [box unlocking and opening] - [heavy breathing]

- Phone. Phone.

- Actually, it was the best date I've been on in, like, three years.

- It might be the only date I've been on in, like, three years.

- Ahh, well...maybe if you tried dating someone a bit taller, a bit more handsome, dashing...

- Irish.

- Are you asking me out, Jack?

- Honestly, sir, I was here. I was undercover with a foreign girl and...

- there were these two strange magicians, and they locked me in the box, and...

- when I came out of the box, she was gone, and they were dead! I swear to you...

- there was one there, and there was one there and...[heavy breathing]

- Wh...you kee...

♪[ending title music]♪