Original subtitles

[waves crashing]

♪[dramatic music]♪

- [gunshot]

♪[title music]♪

♪[music]♪ - [waves crashing]

♪[dramatic music]♪

- Hey!

- [panicked gasping]

- OK! OK.

- Do you need to get, like, to a hospital...

- No!! - OK!

- Um...

- J...j...just...jacket.

- [gasping] - Jacket. You look cold.

- Is...is there anyway I can help you?

- [exhausted gasping]

- [muffled radio commentary]

♪[music]♪ - [louder radio commentary]

♪[dramatic music]♪

- [screaming} - [plate smashing]

- Ow! - Who the fuck are you?!

- Jesus! Fuck! - Who the fuck are you?!

- Jack! I'm Jack! Ok?!

- I...I...found you on the beach yesterday and you...you were...

- [unintelligible]... You...you are in my flat!

- I...I, er, brought...it's... it's in the bag and...

- I gave you a towel...a towel for warm and...I, er, er...

- Toothpaste! I gave you a lot of you toothpaste...

A lot of toothpaste and, wait... I...I made you a Pop-Tart.

- Made you a Pop-Tart.

- [Gulp] [Sigh]

- Do you...have a name?

- Yes.

- May I hear it?

- No. - OK.

- Lucky.

- Seriously?... It's a lovely name! Um...

Erm...Pop-Tart?

♪[title music]♪

- [phone vibrating]

♪[jovial music]♪

- [phone vibrating]

- [rapid door knocking]

- Hi, sis.

- Mum said, you're, er...you're alright if I stay here for a while.

- What?!

- Ok, Jeremy...

- Here's the deal.

- Do you see my books, over there?

- Don't touch them!

- Do you see my DVDs, over there? Yeah!

- Don't touch them.

And do you see my equipment...

- There...there...and over there, in the corner?

- Don't touch them!!

- OK...New rule, Jeremy.

- If it's not the sofa, Don't touch it!!

- Can I have a snack?

- What?! - I'm starving.

- [spitting]

- What are you doing?!

- Your milk...gone bad.

- That was yogurt, you idiot!

- Really? [sniffing]

- Oh, yeah. Hmm.

♪[video game music]♪

- Ah, sweet, you've got Tekken!

- [video game music switched off] - Oh!

♪[piano music]♪ - Why are you here?

- Why do you own a Playstation?

- Cause I killed the person who owned it.

- Oh.

But...[sigh] Mum said I could stay here, until the...

- Chinese stop trying to kill me. - [laughing] What?! The Chinese...

- Why are the Chinese trying to kill you?

- [sigh] Look, I might...

- I might have told them that the Rape of Nanking was just a...

- a lie propagated by their immoral Communist Dictatorship.

- [snorting]

- The World War II atrocity where hundreds of thousands of...

- Chinese civilians were raped and murdered?!

- That Rape of Nanking?

- The winners of war write history, Sophie. Er...

- [deep breath] [sigh]

- Anyways, now they've sent their Chinese assassins after me...

So, Mum said I could stay with you because you...can project me.

♪[video game music]♪

- [video game V/O] Sophie wins!

♪[Asian inspired music]♪

- What are you doing?!

- [both screaming]

- You didn't leaving anything behind, did you?

- How do you mean?

- I mean, like, the tea and scones and English breakfast...

- Where are you from?

- Miami.

- Long way from home.

- So...

- [door swinging open, quickly] - [gasp]

♪[music]♪ - [twinkling]

- [magic wand spell] - [gasp]

- [fish bubbling and flopping] - [London bus]

- [DOCTOR WHO] Afternoon!

- [multiple gasps]

- [running and heavy breathing] - [coffee spilling]

- [deep breathing]

- I've....died...and...

gone to England!

Right. And you're not dead.

- [gasping]

- This...is my dream...and shooting me brought me here...

- to shoot myself again!

- [overlapping] No. No, no, no, no, no!... - And I'll wake up from this fucking nightmare!

- Shit!

- I lost my gun!

♪[jovial music]♪ - [swig]

- [refreshing sigh] - [deep breathing]

- Sis, I am so.... - Shut the fuck up!

- Shouldn't you go to the hospital for that?

- And what? And tell them what exactly, Jeremy?

- That I...fell down the stairs onto an axe at the bottom?

- That I...was...chopping tomatoes in the kitchen and I...

- dropped the knife?!

- That I was cutting grass with a fucking sycthe and...

- had a fucking whoopsie?!

- I am going to have to sell all of this bullshit to the hospital.

- And when they see it's bullshit, they are going to search my house.

- And they will find the knives, and the guns, and the poison...

- and the bombs and the giant, fucking sword!

- And above all...my dear, baby, fucking Brother...

- they will find the idiot who couldn't make it 30 seconds...

- in a room, without slicing open his sister from hip to thigh!

- Now, go and get my phone!

- [computer typing and clicking]

- [phone vibrating]

♪[music]♪

- [videotape fast-forwarding]

-[scanning]

- [rifle loading]

- [case closing]

- Jack! How have you been, man? I haven't seen you in...

- Hello, beautiful.

- Friends call me 'David' but, er... you can call me...'Yours'.

- [JACK] David! Lovely... lovely to see you.

- Yeah. - What has it been?...

- 73 Hours? Something like that?

- More like three days, dude.

- So...plans for tonight then, love?

- Erm...actually...

♪[music]♪

- [gasps] - [yawn]

- [sigh] - [scratching]

- [shower running and turning off]

- [shower curtain opening] - [ruffling]

- [gasp]

- [muffled tv noise] - [sighing]

- [DAVID] Hmm...

- [gasp] [annoyed grunts]

- [squeak]

- David?

- Ooh! [laughter] Well, won't distract you anymore, M'Lady.

- You guys have fun now, yeah.

- Um...

- Remember the seperate classroom they sent the special kids to in high school?

- He burned one of those down last week.

♪[music]♪

- Um...is there anything you'd like to get at all?

- That is to say, um... would you like some new clothes?

- What, like a present?

No, no. Not...not really like a present...just...

- No, no, no, um... nothing like that.

- Um...it's not really a present. It's more of a gift, you know?

- There's a difference between those two?

- Well, yeah. Yeah, um...

- A gift is when a person just gives a person another thing...

- and, um, a present is when it's special.

- What's your deal?

- The problem is that the clothes have just been through...

- the fucking Atlantic, OK?

- Look at them. Look at them!

- They've got fucking salt crystals and shit.

- You cannot tell me you don't see a problem here!

- OK...

- Wh-what are you trying to get out of this little, symbiotic relationship?

- It's not really symbiotic, is it?

- It's...more... - Parasitic?

- It's not par...it's not like a parasite. It's...

- It's not about one taking, you know? It's about one giving...

- Not like a parasite. Like a... Like a...like a...like a...

- Like a salmon releases it's sperm onto a clutch of eggs, you know?

- He's...he's...he's...

- 'K... - No.

- This is what this is about.

- You want to release your sperm... - No!

- onto my eggs. - No. That...er, that...

- That was not what I meant... That was, er...That was...

- a metaphor! That was metaphor. - What the fuck is wrong with you?!

- Can you just accept I want to buy you clothes, OK? I...I...

- I don't want to release sperm on you or in you or any configuration of sperm.

- I want to bring you to a clothing store and you will look at clothes and...

- you will choose clothes and you'll take them to a little dressing room and...

- I'll be in a seperate room and I won't be looking and...and....

- I'll keep all my sperm with. And you will choose clothes and try them on and...

- Ok. I've, erm... I've screwed this up, Haven't I? Not that I was trying to but...

- I just wanted to make you feel comfortable. Because you're in England and shit is weird...

- and...Guess fish spooge wasn't the best...

- D...Do you want me to take you to the airport? Or...

- Is there someone, er, we can call? Or...Something like that?

- There's no one to call.

- ♪[music]♪

- Hello.

- So, are you finally going to come out tomorrow?

- I'll have you know I have a full evening already planned.

- Finally got some batteries for the baby monitor.

- Gonna listen to the neighbours duke it out.

- Are you kidding me? That...

- That's going to lead you to become the crazy cat lady, you know that.

- No, Candy, I hate animals.

- I already killed my cat, Gus. - No, no, no, Lucky...

- I'm sorry, OK, as your friend, it is my responsibility...

- to stop you from living alone like this, to end up some...

- crazy old bag with, er, saggy tits and a white puff of pubic hair.

- Well, at least I have pubic hair.

- That isn't something to be proud of. Are you coming tomorrow?

- Fine!

- OK, well, I'm gonna need you to not come in your work clothes.

- No stripper clothes!

- [car doors shutting]

- So...are you going to need a place to stay?

- 'Cause, er, if you want, erm, you could stay in my flat...

- Well, not...not my flat, the... the same flat as the one that I live in...

- 'cause there's a spare room and... So, you'd be sleeping in a different bed...

- You know? Seperate room, all that kind of thing...Erm...

- It did use to belong to David.

- But I've got...I've got bleach, and it's got a really nice oven.

- Really nice oven.

- OK. Welcome to your new home.

- Er...there are somes rules.

- Basically, don't be like the last guy.

- What was wrong with the last guy? - Er...Er...

- Do you, erm...Do you like to leave...surprises...around?

- Surprises? - Yeah. Yeah, surprises.

- Packages, that sort of thing? - No...

- Typically, I am a... creature of habit.

- Shower daily and, erm, what not. - OK. Excellent. Er...

- What about hobbies? What do you like to do for fun?

- I like shooting.

- OK.

- Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?

- No. - It's a perfectly acceptable hobby.

- Yes, and er...and you know, a couple of centuries ago was...

- perfectable acceptable to own slaves and call dark skinned people bad names...

- But...that is just not the done thing anymore.

- The coloured folk run free now and we... - OK!

- I am going to need to stop you before you get into...

- anymore of your weird, little analogies.

- Well, we don't have any guns here...but...

- if you need to satisfy your American urge for destruct...

- I've got a board game actually called, er, 'Jenga'.

- Don't know if you've ever... Agh! Sorry, sorry!...I...Er...

- Shit...I-I-I...I forgot, I forgot, erm...

- 9/11. You, erm...D... Do you need to sit down?

- [sigh] You know that's not really a thing?

- 9/11's not really a thing in the states?

- OK, OK, er... Basically, what happened...

- [door opening] - ♪[music]♪

- [FOREMAN] [in Spanish] Hey. This isn't in English.

- [in Spanish] No. No. You need to write it in English.

- [in Spanish] The building is gonna blow. You have to write this in English!

- [MARCO] There's two.

- Alright. Second one's free.

- [FOREMAN V.O.] [in Spanish] Everything is ready. No one's in the building?

- [FOREMAN V.O.] Uno, dos, tres...

- [rumbling explosion]

- [Jenga falling] - Woo! I win!

- [building collapsing]

- ♪[music]♪

- [sigh]

- He's dead.

- Hey, sis. Guess who's updated their Facebook photos?

- Don't care.

- You better. It's...look...

- Oi, you little shit! You friended my ex on Facebook?!

- Oh, yeah! That guy was badass!

- Is it true he strangled a guy to death with toothpaste?

- I wish you guys got married? - Wh...Fuck! Shut the fuck up!

- Let me see those.

- Ugh! Oh my god. What is that skank?

- Her breasts...look like a...fucking...

- Beehive!

- [classical cartoon music on tv] - [cereal crackling]

- These cartoons...ducks are such assholes.

- I mean...

- Sylvester, I get why he hates Tweetie and Speedy Gonzales.

- It's nature. Cat eat mouse. Cat eat canary. Circle of life.

- But ducks don't eat canaries. Why are the ducks such assholes?

- Cartoons have soured my entire outlook of ducks.

- You need to get a job.

- Yeah....I'm gonna go shower.

- ♪[marching drum music]♪

- [deep breath]

- [door opening and closing]

- Hey, dude! I...I was in the area and needed to take a dump.

- The people at McDonalds, they are on to me.

- [ door closing] - David!

- [shower running]

- [DAVID] [whistling]

- ♪[dramatic music]♪

- [shower turning off] - [shower door opening]

- [squirting]

- [wet footsteps] - [door opening and closing]

- Ugh, fuck. Fuck it.

- [sigh] Dude, what is with the water pistol?

- She's American...Misses her guns.

- So, if she needs something, you know, I could hook her up...

- I know some dudes... - No! No, guns.

- They make me uncomfortable.

- Why have you always got to get a stick up you arse about this stuff, man?

- [panicked muffled breathing] - [LIZZIE] Never fear, Master Sapphire.

- I am but a vessel for the cosmic energies, and they shall guide 'The Bullet of Salvation'...

- into the 'Apple of Wickness', and you shall emerge unscathed and unharmed...

- with your faith finally restored.

- [muffled screaming]

- S...Studies have shown that people who...bring guns into...

- their house are more likely to shoot a loved one, than an intruder.

- [car pulling up]

- [CANDY] Okie dokie. Here we are.

- [LUCKY] [humming] - You are going to kill someone someday.

- [hand gun loading] - One can hope.

- Arlight, well, big smiles. - Mmm.

♪[theme music]♪

- [sigh] So, er, you Latin chicks...

- Meant to have, like, legendary arses.

- Yeah. I once fell down an entire...set of stairs and...

- it was the only thing that saved me from a broken spine.

- Like one of those big, huge, bouncing yoga balloons!

- Sure.

- It...did leave a bruise on the entirety of one of my butt cheeks...

- Can I see it?

- No...

- Because I...have to look for a job now.

- Well, if you need something, I can hook you up...

- I know some dudes.

♪[party music]♪

- [CAMERON] So, the squirrel says 'you do whatever you want with your nuts, buddy'...

- 'But I'm eating mine!' - [Laughter]

- Well, well, look what the cat dragged in. - Hi!

- I haven't seen you in a hot minute. They change your schedule at the club?

- Oh, no, I'm just busier.

- You wouldn't be avoiding me now, would you?

- Now, why would I do that? - Who's your friend?

- Oh, this is Lucky. Er, she's actually the chef at the club...

- but, er, it's kind of hard to drag her out these days, so...

- tonight is a special occassion.

- [LUCKY] Cameron...I hear you're a drug lord.

- OK, well, I am a businessman. And I do have several, different businesses.

- And you kill people. - Lucky!

- OK. Well, at least you've heard of me.

- Cameron, I need to speak with you. - What is it now?

- I've been hearing that Leon's telling... - Leon? That cooked up piece of shit?

- He's had the same bug up his ass... You know what...what the fuck does he want?

- Listen, I've been hearing that he's pushing all this hot, new...

- This is what you're gonna do. You are gonna get a drink...

- gonna to get laid and your gonna leave me alone for the rest of the night.

- Come on, Candy. You can get me a drink.

- So...I've got to work for it?

- Fuck off.

- Fucking jackass.

- [door opening and closing] - [sigh]

♪[muffled party music]♪

- I...was just...[gasp] ♪[dramatic music]♪

- [door slamming shut] - I...I...I am so...

- Now. Hold very still.

- [heavy breathing]

- I don't like parties...I'm just trying to get away from the noise.

- Hmm. Me too...You play chess?

- Good.

- If you beat me, then perhaps I won't follow you home...

- and slice open your throat.

♪[jovial music]♪

- ...and a failed state that stole from proud Japan...

- our martial arts and our sacred dragons...

- [phone vibrating] - and has given back nothing but communism,...

- the bubonic plague and confusing calenders, can only be solved by...

- sending back their lead painted baby formula and opium-laced puppy chow.

- Please do the world a favour and keep your one child policy in place...

- for all of time. Peace.

- Jeremy, aren't you even slightest bit worried someone, on there...

- ...might find you? - [laughter] It's the internet!

- No, I'm using a fake name. Sophie, it's genius, everyone does it.

- [door knocking] - Shit!

- [door opening] - [small fire burning]

- [heavy breathing] sinister laughter] - ♪[music]♪

- [chattering]

- Good morning slash afternoon.

- I am here to drop off what you people call a 'CV'.

- 'We people', aye? I take it you're not from round here then, darlin'?

- You got one of them work permits then?

- How dare you! How dare you make such a sweeping assumption based...

- on her speech impediment!

- That...I'll have you know, she received last year after a stoke.

- How dare you! - Well, only I meant to...

- I..I don't believe it! To walk into this establisment and...

- be greeted by fucking racism. It's fucking disgraceful!

- Racism now is it? I thought you said she...

- She had a stroke! Yeah!

- A medical disability which you are discriminating her for.

- Well, I will never give my patronage to this establisment...

- and I'll warn all the people in here, sir, that you...that you...

- Actually, actually! Listen, do you know how to pull a pint, love?

- Why, yes. Yes, I have.

- Well, maybe we can sort something out, aye?

- 'Ere, mate, why don't you get this down you, aye?

- [phone vibrating]

- Oh, work. I've gotta go. Gotta go.

- Later.

- Hey.

- [SUPERVISOR V.O.] Officer Evans, on account of last Thursday's 'incident' with the Korean Embassy,...

- you are hearby required to complete the following questionaire...

- before proceeding with any action at any time.

- [V.O.] Am I passing out any anti-immigrant propaganda?

♪[music]♪ [Passerby] Hmm. [grunt]

- [V.O] Am I protesting outside a legal place of business?

- [annoyed grunt] - Agh!

- [V.O.] Am I stalking a business simply for hirirng immigrants?

- [V/O] If the answer to all of these questions is 'no'...

- [V/O] call you Supervisor and proceed with caution!

- [door unlocking]

- [door opening and creaking]

♪[music]♪

- [birds tweeting]

- [LUCKY] It's sunny.

- That's fucking weird.

- Usually it's grey.

- Usually.

- Usually, your clouds suck.

- Oh...they're not 'my' clouds.

- You do know I'm not English, right?

- You think my accent is English?

- I thought you were Australian.

- Australian?

- Yeah, you know? You know, Americans, we don't really differentiate accents.

- Just kinda throw them all into Australia. 'Cause we like Australia.

- Probably 'cause we love Steve Irwin...Until he died.

- Until he died?

So, by implication, you stopped loving Steve Irwin after he died?

- What, you were...disappointed in him?

- Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I mean, he was 'The Crocodile Hunter'...

- and then he was taken out via stingray.

- Who the hell saw that shit coming? - He's 'The Crocodile Hunter'!

If he dies getting taken out by a croc, he dies failing at the one thing...

- he built his name on, doesn't he?

- So...like, everybody? Everybody is Australian to you?

- 'Harry Potter'?

- Magical Australian.

- 'The Beatles'?! - LSD Australians.

- 'The Queen'?!

- Yeah. OK. Yeah, 'The Queen' is pretty much, iconically, English,...

- gonna have to give you that one.

- So, what?...You thought she just sort've sat off on...

- her own, little isle of Britain, all by herself?

No...musical accompaniment or dark wizards?

- It's just kinda easier if we combine everything into Australia.

- Nice, big country there.

- You do know that Australia is a separate nation from the U.K...

- Right? - Yeah...

- So much so you dedicated a fourth of your flag to it.

- I'm Irish.

- You do not sound Irish. - It's complicated.

- No, I mean, you really don't sound Irish...You're not even drunk.

- Well, that's because I'm Irish! Not one sixteenth Irish American...

- who shows up to the country once for a couple of weeks every few years...

- wearing a green shirt and cream pants, drinks nothing but Gunniess...

- kisses the Blarney Stone and dyeing everything green.

- 'Irish' Irish.

- Was it all that 'blowing up stuff', the Irish? - Who taught you about the outside world?!

- [sigh] Obviously television.

- Well...if I believed everything that television taught me about...

- the outside world...I'd think that Americans were nothing but...

- a bunch of insane, gun-toting maniacs.

♪[music]♪

- [multiple gunshots]

- [phone vibrating]

- Oh, Christ. - What?

- David's trying to get into the house.

- [door opening] - [thump]

- Dude, what are you waiting there for? We've gotta couch.

- You, er...you dropped your knife, man.

- You one of Jack's old mates?

- Er...Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes...

- Ah, cool, er...Your not one of those cult dudes, are you?

- Er...No! No, no. No.

- Alright, well, they should be home soon, d'ya want a beer?

- Yeah, yeah. - Come on then!

- [door creaking open]

- David!...I told you, I was coming to let you on.

- [tv noise]

- Couldn't wait eight minutes without resorting to property damage?!

- [DAVID] Well, techincally, dude, it was 'breaking and entering'.

- Oh, 'techincally', it was both! - [DAVID] If you just let me have my keys back.

- You don't live here anymore! You have to learn to...

- wait outside the door, like a goddamn human being!

♪[music]♪

- Another fucking book club buddy.

- Y'alright?!

- Er...

- [door opening]

- [clearing throat]

- [door closing] ♪[dramatic music]♪

- David. - Yeah?

- Remember that conversation we had about...

-bringing weird ass strangers home? - [DAVID] Yes.

- Do you remember, we agreed, we weren't going to do that anymore?

- [DAVID] Nah, nah...Don't worry I won't. - [phone ringing]

- [laughter]

- [phone vibrating]

- Jack?...I think that weird guy is standing outside of the bathroom.

- David...That guy's gotta guy.

- Get rid of him, will you. - Alright, yeah man. Your friends are weird.

- [grunting]

- Ugh, ugh! Agh, agh!

- You know, I've played 'Knifey Stabby' before.

- Used to be really popular back in the Army, er...

- Right before that fucking Court Martial incident!

- Ugh!

- Oh, fuck.

- [tv noise] - [sigh]

- No more book club buddies. OK?

- Nah, dude, quit book club months ago.

- Banged two of their housewives. People started to talk.

- Well, who was that then?

- I thought he was your friend?

- I don't have any friends.

- [laughing] I love it when randoms show up.

- [door knocking]

- I'll get it.

- Alright?

- [LIZZIE] Oh, Master Sapphire, you've returned to me!

- [panicked gibberish]

♪[ending title music]♪